


Let Me Be Your Hero

by NiamsPotato



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cancer, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pop Star! Niall, Smut, ziall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 07:05:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 202,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2220006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiamsPotato/pseuds/NiamsPotato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is in need of a hero... but then again, so is Niall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. O-N-E

**Author's Note:**

> So, after uploading 2 chapters, someone finally pointed it out to me.. (thank you, @alteringegoism ) I dunno what happend.. because obvs I swear I checked this (albeit on my phone..).. So, this is an original fiction written by my good friend, Silje Johansen. She gave me permission to translate it and upload it as a Niam fan fiction. A friend of mine in England (Chris Wright) beta'd it this for me, as in looking over the grammar and spelling.  
> Any mistake remaining is of course my own!

"The reasons behind the famine. Mr Payne, please enlighten the class." Shit. Fuck. I was day dreaming. Again. The class fell about in giggles. Mr. Jones was waiting, an evil look in his eyes. I bit my lip.

"I take it silence means you can’t!"

I shook my head. "No, sir."

"No, sir. Is that all you can say? No sir. Where is your interest in your country’s glorious history?"

I shrugged, wrong move. Big time wrong move, he exploded. I closed my ears. I’d heard it all before, anyway. I didn’t mean to cause trouble. Be rude, or whatever. I guess my mind was just on a different plane. I did however catch the words ‘detention, one hour, every night.’ Shit, shit and double fuck, the day wasn’t going well.

So when the clock struck 3.30pm I found myself sitting in a classroom with my beloved history teacher. You’d think he would want to get home and not give up an hour of his free time to punish a very bored 16 year old for a simple gesture. But no. He was relishing this.

I was meant to be writing a 6,000 word essay on the Great Famine. I was doodling, writing odd lines that one day I might turn into a song. He didn’t care as long as I looked like I was doing something. That had been my first mistake. I should have been doodling in his class, giving the impression that I was intently taking notes. I would know in the future.

There was a knock on the door and Father Drake came in practically dragging a small blond boy in. The priest turned to Mr. Jones. "Can I leave Horan here for the detention period? I have a meeting."

Jones looked at the boy and nodded. The priest practically threw him on to a chair. "Don’t forget I want the whole of the chapter translated into Latin by tomorrow or we will have words."

The boy gave him a defiant glare. I recognised him as Niall Horan. He was in my year. In fact he was in some of my classes when he turned up. We had never really spoken. It was a big year and Niall wasn’t the most popular kid around. I knew he’d been beaten up a few times. If I saw him round the streets of Mullingar, which wasn’t very often as I lived out of the town and Niall lived near the actual town, he was usually with his brother or a girl from the local convent school. Usually a different girl. He was quite a ladies man I gathered from local talk, which kind of explained the other lads' dislike.

It soon became apparent that Niall had no intention of any translating. He didn’t even open the book. He just sat looking round the room. Then he met my gaze. I blushed. Conscious that I was staring but to my surprise he smiled. It was a lovely smile, and I found myself smiling back.

He scribbled something on a piece of paper and glanced at Jones. He was marking, no doubt ripping some poor bugger’s history homework to shreds. You could see from his expression he was enjoying every minute of it. Niall slid the paper across to me and returned to looking innocent. Come to think of it - that’s the first thing I noticed about Niall. The way he could look so innocent, so angelic and be a somewhat real bad boy underneath.

I opened the note. ‘What crime have you committed then? And how long did you get?’ I smiled and scribbled the answer.

‘Daydreaming. Insolence. One hour for a week. How about you?’ Heart thumping I pushed the note back. Jones was on a roll, red pen criss-crossing furiously! If Niall had stripped stark naked I don’t think he would have noticed. I felt myself blush at the thought and I mentally changed the subject.

Niall grinned at me as I reached for the note. ‘I was in RS. Asked about . SEX. Got a fucking great Latin translation and an hour tonight. But I bet I’ll be in all week.’ I had to stifle the laughter. Niall looked like some choirboy, sat there, uniform neat and tidy. I was getting to like him.

I got to know him pretty well that detention, though we never spoke a word. You can say quite a lot in an hour’s worth of notes. especially when the vindictive bastard taking the detention is hell bent on failing 90% of his pupils.

"OK you two, you can go now. Don’t forget Payne, same time same place. Tomorrow."

"Yes sir!" Jesus I’d die of boredom.

 

To my surprise, Niall was waiting for me. "Hi. I’m Niall Horan, in your maths group."

"Liam Payne." I took his outstretched hand. It was cool and his grip was surprisingly strong. He was much smaller than me. Nicely styled blond hair and amazing blue eyes.

"Thanks for keeping me company."

I laughed. "I had no choice."

"But you didn’t have to join in."

"I was bored too. Will be bored for another 4 nights, in fact."

"Jesus, just for daydreaming."

We stood talking a while. I was late anyway as there wasn’t another bus. Niall didn’t seem to be in a hurry either. I learnt he was almost exactly two weeks younger than me and the youngest of him and his brother, and that he his parents were foster parents to two younger kids. Oh and that he liked music and performing. He kept talking about that. I liked him from that first moment. He had so much get up and go, so much life and energy. I wondered why I had never noticed it before. I had no idea of how long we stood there but we were interrupted by his mobile ringing.

"It's OK mam. I got detention, then I got talking. I’m fine. No, no one’s had a go at me. I’ll tell you later. No. I wasn’t rude. OK I’m coming."

He hung up and gave me an apologetic smile. "Sorry. Mam gets worried since I got beat up. She wondered where I was. I should be going."

"That’s ok. You’re pretty lucky to have your own phone." I blushed when I realised what I'd said. Practically _everyone_ had their own phone, except for me that is.

He grinned. "Not really. It was because I got thumped so many times."

"Oh. Why? Why do they pick on you?"

He shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe because I’m a little... different. Anyway, I hope I’ll see you around Liam."

"Me too. You know I actually enjoyed that detention."

Niall nodded. "Same here. See you."

"See you." And I really hoped I would.

 

I didn’t see Niall the next day as we didn’t have maths. Normally that pleased me. I hated maths, but today I was kinda disappointed. I wanted to see Niall again. You never get what you want, though.

So I sat in detention. Bored, as I didn't have Niall to distract to me this time. Jones was decimating another class’s Leaving Cert. hopes. Then the door flew open with a lot of force. It was Principal Richards dragging Niall in with him. Niall looked pale and certainly not as cocky as the night before.

"Mr Jones. Horan shall be joining you in detention for the rest of the term." I dropped my pen in shock. Shit, what had Niall done?

Jones’s big ears pricked up, and an evil smile spread over his face. He looked at Niall, Niall stared back proudly. I never saw Niall back down from anything. Whatever it was - he faced it head on.

"Oh, and if he doesn’t sit still, it's because he’s just had a good thrashing too. Sitting’s going to be painful for a while."

Niall eased himself onto the seat and laid his head on the desk. I figured he didn’t feel like communicating. I couldn’t have said why, but I felt sick at the thought of him hurting. So I just watched him. He was pale, and I could see red welts on his palms. I hoped he was OK. Jones was ignoring him. Whatever he’d done must have been major. That was a slow hour. Niall didn’t lift his head from the desk. Finally the hands clicked to 4.30pm.

"OK gentlemen, until tomorrow."

Niall didn’t move. I gently touched his shoulder. "Niall. We can go. Do you need a hand?" He shook his head and carefully stood up. Staring straight through Jones, he walked out of the room and into the school yard. Then he threw up in the flower bed!

"Are you OK?"

"I will be. Fuck, that hurt. It feels like I’ve been used for footy practice. Oh shit, there goes my place on the team this term."

That was Niall. All he could think about was how a term’s detention would affect his sporting success.

"Niall. What the fuck did you do?"

He smiled. "I upset Drake in RS again."

"Jesus what did you do? Tell him you weren’t a virgin, ask him if he was?"

Niall laughed. "No. I asked what was wrong.. what was so evil about being gay?"

I looked at him. "Just to upset him?"

Niall bit his lip, no longer smiling. "No, not really. I just, I wanted to know. After all that’s all we hear.. that being gay’s the worst, dirtiest, most evil thing to be. I just wanted to know why."

"Oh." I was a bit thrown. I didn’t know what to say.

But Niall hadn’t finished. "Because - because I think I’m gay."

I never knew silence could be so loud. We stood looking at each other, for an eternity.

 

 

It was Niall who broke the silence. "I guess, I shouldn’t have said that. Bye Liam."

He turned to walk away but I had to stop him. "Niall, wait."

He faced me. "Liam. Please."

"Niall, you shouldn’t walk home alone. I’ll walk with you."

"You don’t have to be nice to me. You must hate me. Everyone else does."

"Do.. do they know?"

He shook his head. "No. Not yet, but they will. Won’t they?"

I shook my head. "Not from me."

"Why?"

"Why? Because you trusted me with a secret. And it will stay a secret. That’s what friends are for, and I hope we’re friends."

There was a questioning light in his eyes. "You want to be friends with me?"

"Yes."

"Jesus Liam. Are you sure?"

"Of course. You’re funny and smart and we both love music. I think we’ll make great friends." I was shocked at myself. Niall thought he was gay - and I wanted to be his best friend. If it got out, we’d both be outcasts. But the truth is - I didn’t care.

Niall smiled. "Thanks Liam."

"There’s nothing to thank me for. Now, lets get you home."

 

Niall lived in a comfortable semi. It appeared Richards had been in touch with Niall’s parents. His mum looked curiously at me and then turned to Niall.

"Oh son. You OK?"

He grinned. "No. It bloody hurts, but I’ll be fine. Don’t fuss. This is Liam Payne. My friend." There was pride in his voice.

"Pleased to meet you, Liam. Will you stay for tea?"

Niall’s eyes were pleading. I nodded. "Can I let my mum know?"

"Sure. Phone’s there."

Mum was OK. She wouldn’t have been if she’d known about Niall. Mum and dad are a little.. old fashioned in their views. As are most of Mullingar. If Niall was gay - he wouldn’t have it easy! That was a certainty.

"Mam. What did dad say? He isn’t going to belt me, is he?"

"What for? Asking a simple question? No, of course not. He was worried about you, that you were OK."

"I’ve told you. There’s no need to fuss. But if he wants to kick Richards teeth in, I won’t stop him."

"Niall!"

"Will I have to do the detentions?"

"Yes. That’s the bit of the discipline I didn’t have a problem with."

"Well, I bloody do! I’ll be off the teams this term."

"It's not the end of the world. You might actually catch up on your studies. Now stop sulking. Eat your tea. Remember, you have a guest."

Niall’s house was warm, welcoming and friendly. After tea, he took me into the music room.

"Do you like singing, Liam?" I nodded and he sat down at the piano. The first of many times he played for me.

Later on I sat in his small room. He shared it with his brother Greg, but Greg was at uni. So it was Niall’s. And his stuff was everywhere.

"You’ve got a great voice Liam."

"So have you."

He shook his head. "No. Not really. I can hold notes because I’m musical, I know how they should sound but you. You’re something else. When you sang I wanted to cry. One day, you’ll be famous Liam."

"So will you."

He laughed. "I doubt it."

"I’ll make you a bet. A fiver says we’ll both be famous by the time we’re 21."

"OK you’re on! Lets put it in writing."

Laughing - we signed the paper. Then Niall looked at me. "And will we still be friends then?"

I hugged him. A quick unconscious gesture, but one that meant the world to him. "Of course we will be! Friends for life." He hugged me back. Just as briefly.

"Friends for life." I had never seen a smile so sweet.

 

 

I enjoyed that evening at the Horan’s and it was the first of many. They made me feel welcome. I also met Niall's younger foster sister and foster brother, yet in some ways he was treated as though he was the youngest. Something I found strange but never got round to asking. It was so different to my home. I was the oldest, so it was always "You have to set an example to your sisters Liam!" OK I didn’t want to be bad, but I couldn’t be perfect. I didn’t want to be perfect. I wanted to be me. I wanted someone to love me for me. In the Horan’s noisy, relaxed house I could be whatever I wanted to be and I realised even from that first night that the reason behind Niall’s confidence in himself was all because of his parents.

  
"I’d better go." It was getting late.

Bobby, Niall’s dad smiled at me. "I’ll run you home son."

"You don’t have to. I’ll be fine walking."

"No. I want to. I’ve seen Niall get thumped too many times. It's no trouble." Niall bounced into the car with me. He seemed to have forgotten the belt he’d had. He was a bundle of energy and I felt part of that. It was a wonderful feeling. One I couldn’t ever remember having around any of my other friends.

  
"This is it." We pulled up outside the cottage I lived in. It was a quieter, more exclusive area than the Horan's. "Thanks for the lift Mr. Horan. See you tomorrow Ni!"

"See you Liam. And thanks."

I waved, knowing what he meant.

 

So that was how NIall and I got to be friends. Through a detention. We saw a lot of each other that term, mainly in detention. I didn’t TRY to get detention. It just happened. My daydreaming skill saw to that. And of course Niall’s smart mouth had ensured he was a regular visitor. But we saw each other after school and at weekends too. For the first time I had a reason to go into Mullingar town.

I’m sure we both had had friends before but we clicked in a way that rarely happens. Suddenly I was spending all my spare time with Niall. We were both doing junior cert. that year. It was only natural we studied together. Or more truthfully, spent the time listening to music or writing songs.

He never mentioned his sexuality again and I never asked him. When he wanted to talk, he would. I knew that. And I never felt uncomfortable around him either. Of course he hadn’t said he _was_ gay. Just that he thought he was, but deep down I knew the truth. So we had a wonderful summer, getting to know each other. Only looking back, we never really managed that. Not until the year we both began studying for leaving cert. It was the autumn term, and I guess we both came of age.

 

 

  
"I’m just off to Niall’s mum." I picked up my bag. "I’m staying over so don’t expect me back." I didn’t think she’d have a problem with it, but she looked at me.

  
"You’re spending a lot of time with Niall these days. Don’t you have any other friends?"

"Yes, of course. But Niall and I have a lot in common."

  
"You should mix more. It's not good to be totally wrapped up in one person. And isn’t it about time you started dating?"

  
"Mum! Drop it. Niall’s my best friend. Didn’t you have a best friend? And dating? I go to an all boys school. It doesn’t happen that easily." I turned to the attack. "Don’t you like Niall or something?"

"I think he’s a well mannered and charming boy." There was a reservation in her voice. I waited for the ‘but’, but it never came. I remembered that conversation months later though.

 

 

Niall was sat at the piano. He was studying for his grade 7. As Maura let me in, he flashed that amazing smile. My heart lurched. God he was gorgeous.. and I almost fainted with the shock that I thought like that. I wasn’t gay, I had never given my sexuality a second thought. I fancied girls, even if they didn’t fancy me. I couldn’t be attracted to my best friend.

"So are you going to this dance on Saturday?" He made me jump.

"Don’t know. I can’t get home."

"Don’t be stupid. You can stay here. I think it will be a laugh. The Loreto’s girls are going." It would be a chance to meet girls socially. It made up my mind for me. I nodded.

  
Almost all of the upper school of St. Mary's College were there, as well as the Loreto’s girls. It was a good night. I lost sight of Niall pretty early on – he was usually surrounded by girls. But that night I came over as pretty popular as well and I had more than my fair share of dances. As the music slowed down, I found myself in the arms of Danielle Peazer. A pretty brunette. I knew I was going to get my first kiss that night.

The earth didn’t move and that’s not to say she wasn’t a good kisser, because I guessed she was. It just didn’t turn me on. I couldn’t wait to make my excuses and leave. Then of course I ‘lost’ Niall. I found him sat on the low wall outside the Arts Centre, looking very pissed and very miserable.

 

  
"Whats up mate?" I hiccuped – I’d had a bit to drink as well.

"Nothing."

‘Come on Ni. I know you." I put an arm round him. something I had done a thousand times. To my surprise he pushed me away with force. "What the fuck was that for?"

  
"Leave me alone." I was tempted to say 'with pleasure', but two things stopped me. One, I had to share a room with him that night and two; well, he was my best friend and he was hurting big time.’

"No, Niall. I won’t. What's bothering you?" He didn’t answer for a long time. just sat staring at the outline of Mount Street, biting his lip. I sat down on the wall next to him, giving him space. Just as I had given up he turned to me.

"Me! I’m what's bothering me."

"I don’t understand."

"Tonight. I felt so out of place. Alone."

"Niall, everytime I looked, you were surrounded by people. I couldn’t even get near you."

"People I didn’t want to be surrounded by. It's so easy for you, Liam. I saw you with Danielle. I could never dance with the person I fancied like that in a million fucking years." I realised then it was about his sexuality. In 5 months, he had never mentioned it, but of course he must fancy people – just as I did.

"So there was someone there you liked." There was no point in asking whether they were male or female. He’d answered that question. He nodded sadly.

"Oh Niall!" What could I say? Briefly I wondered who it was. There were lots of good looking lads. Sean Cullen, Harry Styles, Andy Samuels. It went on and on. But it didn’t matter who. They were off limits to Niall. I saw the first tears sparkle in the moonlight and pulled out a tissue.

He took it and blew his nose loudly. "I’ll never be able to do that. Dance with the person I love here in Mullingar."

I shrugged. "Ni. I don’t love Danielle Peazer. I hardly know her."

"You had your tongue down her throat and your hands all over her arse." Niall sounded.. Jealous? Why the fuck was he jealous?  He didn’t want Danielle Peazer, or any other girl!

"It was a dance Niall. We’d had a bit much to drink. You know what it's like."

"No, I don’t. I never have the urge to kiss a girl because I’m pissed." He wasn’t making much sense here. "Oh god Liam. I’m sorry. It's just.. I didn’t ask to be gay.. and its so hard. So fucking hard." He looked so lost. So alone that I wanted to cry. I couldn’t say anything. Words wouldn’t make it any better. I reached out and tried to rub his shoulder, but he still flinched away from me. Not as violently as before, but it hurt me just the same.

"Niall."

"Liam. Please don’t. Just don’t. You don’t understand."

"I understand you’re my best friend and you’re hurting."

He muttered something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch. "Niall, what did you just say?"

"I said its time we were getting home. Come on!" He hadn’t said that. But I didn’t want to argue with him. He was sad enough. Luckily no one was up to see the state we arrived home in. Niall said very little. He flopped onto his bed and lay with his back to me.

"Ni. You haven’t undressed."

"Can’t be bothered."

I lay in the dark watching him. I knew he wasn’t asleep. The moonlight shone through the crack in the curtains and illuminated his blond hair. The soft curves of his body. His shoulder. His hips. I noticed everything about him. The little noises he made. The almost imperceptible shaking of his body. I felt I was seeing him for the first time.

  
I ran through the night in my mind. How my first real full on kiss had left me wanting. How Niall had watched me. How I had watched Niall. Hurt at his pain and the rejection I’d felt when he pushed me away. And suddenly it hit me. What he had said. "You can’t understand that its you." Or something like that. He had been telling me I was the one he loved, and could never have.

I lay on my back, heart beating wildly. Niall loved me. It was obvious now. But what about me? How did I feel? I loved him as my best friend. More than I loved my sisters at times. But did I love him like that? Because I had to be sure. I couldn’t take his heart and then give it back.

I had never considered the possibility of loving another boy, that I could be gay. It just wasn’t an idea that would ever occur in our house. It was wrong and you would burn in eternal damnation for it. But then I thought about Niall. I had known he was gay from the start, and it hadn't put me off him. In fact, I had a closer friendship with Niall than any friend I had ever had. He was everything I’d want in a partner. We had a laugh. We liked the same things. We saw things the same way. 99% compatible  
And physically I had often looked at him and thought how beautiful he was. His thick blond hair (OK he dyed it but it looked natural. The Lord had slipped up, he should have been a natural blond.) His small slim yet muscular body, with a delicious milky coloured skin, and those eyes. Oceanic. He was gorgeous, and I did find him attractive. Almost casually, I wondered what it would be like to kiss him.

And then I knew. I loved Niall in every sense of the word. As a friend. and as a would be lover. I didn’t think I was gay. Nine boys could have walked in the room and I wouldn’t have been interested but if the tenth had been Niall. I was lost.  
I remembered his words. ‘I’ll never be able to do that. Dance with the person I love here in Mullingar.’ I slowly stood up.

  
"Niall!" I whispered.

  
"Liam. Go to sleep."

  
"No. Niall." I walked over to his bed and shook him gently. "Dance with me Niall."

He turned over. ‘What the fuck are you on about?"

"Dance with me. I just realised that.. that.."

He just looked at me. "Liam, you’re not making any sense whatsoever."

‘ _Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?_ ’ 'Hero' by Enrique Iglesias came to mind, as I softly sang that line to him, before I blurted out something entirely different. "Niall. I.. I.. love you."

He went pale. "Liam. Please. You don’t realise.."

I cut him off. "Realise what? That you love me? I can see it Niall. I can feel it."

To my surprise he burst into tears and turned away burying his face in the pillow. "No. Liam. Don’t do this to me. You don’t have to say you love me out of pity. You’re making it worse."

"Niall, I do love you. Why do you think we get on so well from the very beginning? I’ve always felt differently about you to any of my other friends. I just didn’t know why! But now I do. Niall, please look at me."

He rolled over, and my heart leapt. He was so vulnerable. So in need of someone – me!

"Liam. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to fall in love with you. I’m so sorry."

"Niall. Please believe me. I’m so glad you did." I gently touched his cheek, an unconscious gesture, just so that I could catch his teardrops. "Now will you dance with me?"

 

He gave me a puzzled look. "Why?"

"Because you didn’t get to dance tonight. And I didn’t get to dance with the person I loved. Please."

He smiled through his tears. "You’re so beautiful when you plead, Liam. I can’t resist you."

He got out of bed and turned the radio on very low. There was some late night station playing love songs which was perfect. He stood before me and I was conscious of the fact that this was really happening. That I had just told my best friend that I loved him and was now going to touch him and hold him in a way that I had never dreamt of.

Slowly I wrapped my arms around him. His narrow waist. I could feel him shaking with nerves and with desire. His arms reached up and encircled my neck, resting on my shoulders. We started to move slowly to the music still hesitant and a little space between us. My hands travelled up his back and he shivered. Then he leaned forward and buried his face in my neck.

"Liam." It was only a whisper, but I felt like I had waited all my life to hear it. Without any more hesitation I pulled him close. So close that the lengths of our bodies touched, that his legs were in between mine. So close, I could feel his heart beating against my chest.

I kissed the top of his head, and I kissed his soft silky hair. I actually burried my face in its softness and in the clean smell, then I reached his forehead and planted a gentle kiss there as well. His whole body seemed to surge forward. It was strange. Niall was the one who had always been certain about his sexuality, but he was the uncertain one now. Well maybe uncertain isn’t the right word. Nervous or hesitant. I had no hesitation. I loved this person before me and I wanted to show him in every way possible.

His hands tightened on my neck, pulling me down towards him. His face was upturned towards me and in the moonlight that shone into the room, his eyes sparkled. There was a slight, almost nervous smile on his lips. The moist soft lips I wanted to feel so much.

Slowly, with infinite care, our lips met. Niall’s mouth was soft and sweet. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but it wasn’t this. Wasn’t the moist gentleness. The unique taste. The slowly increasing pressure as his delicate pink tongue sought entry to my mouth.

My hands were tangled in his hair, holding him so I could continue the relentless onslaught. I opened my eyes for a brief moment, just so I could fully appreciate the moment. Niall’s eyes were closed in ecstasy. His hair falling over them. With a sigh I opened my mouth slightly accepting the questing tongue and giving my own in return which he accepted eagerly. Our tongues battled happily before he conceded defeat and his mouth was mine. I explored it curiously. This was heaven. This was so right.

Of course we had to break for air, although I still remained close. I was unable to pull away, anyway. He was panting for breath. Even in the dark I could make out his flushed cheeks and his wide sparkling eyes.

"Oh Liam.." he breathed. and buried his face in my chest.

"Oh Liam, what?" I gently teased.. "Oh Liam, you’re a lousy kisser. Oh Liam, you’re wonderful. Oh Liam, I made a mistake." The last part was said with dread.

"Oh Liam, just shut up. And kiss me again."

"Gladly." My heart surged as I tilted his face towards me, and our lips met again.

 

We kissed most of the night, gradually getting bolder. My hands travelled up and down Niall’s back, finding the bottom of his shirt and slipping under it. His skin was warm and satiny soft. I slowly ran my palm over his flat stomach. He quivered violently, and began to breathe erratically as the tips of my fingers met with his hard nipples. I knew how aroused he was. I could feel his hardness against my thigh, and I was sure he could feel mine too. To be honest I wanted nothing more than to lay him on his bed and give him blessed relief from the throbbing in his groins and then relieve my own relentless surging in his beautiful body. But I didn’t want to rush it. Not this first time. I wanted our love making to be the sun and moon and stars, and I wanted us both to be sure. To know what we wanted. And not just be carried away with the lust of the moment. So all too soon, I broke apart.

"Liam?"

"Niall. I want to make love to you, but I want it to be the right time. Not rushed. You understand?"

"I guess so." He seemed kind of down, but I kissed his nose.

"Niall, I want to lose my virginity to you. And remember it for all the right reasons. We have all the time in the world."

He nodded. "I’d better go to the bathroom."

I heard his soft cry as he reached his climax, then he came out from the bathroom. I pulled him to me in a gentle hug. "Next time I’ll do that for you."

He smiled back wickedly. "I’ll hold you to that."

I went to the bathroom and quickly relieved myself, all the time imagining Niall’s ethereal beauty as I did so. When I came back Niall was laid on his bed, his duvet only half covering him. "Come here and hold me Liam. All night."

I never thought I’d be able to do that. Climb into bed with my boyfriend (yes I was thinking like that already) when his parents were just upstairs above us. But with Niall - it was just simple. So simple and right. I squashed up against him. Not a lot of room in a single bed and I wrapped both my arms round him tightly. Feeling his heart beating rapidly. My legs rubbed against his. It would have been so easy to lose control again, but what was even better was the feeling of completeness that lying next to Niall brought me.

"Liam?" I had thought he was asleep.

"Yes?"

"You are sure, aren’t you? That this is what you want?"

"More than anything. Are you?"

"Oh yes, but.."

"Then no buts, Niall. Just sleep. OK?" I kissed his hair once more. He snuggled against me contentedly.

"Liam, I.. love you!"

"And I love you too, babe."

"Forever?"

"Yes."

 

It's easy to say. Easy to mean. But far harder to keep, as we were both to find out! But that night all that mattered was Niall – in my arms. And in my heart.

 


	2. T-W-O

A tickling of my nose and a sudden noise from above woke me with a start. The tickling was Niall’s hair and the noise was his parents coming downstairs.

"Niall. Let go. I got to get back to my mattress!" I whispered urgently in his ear. It wouldn’t do to be caught before the relationship had even really started, but Niall just smiled.

"Liam, they’d never just come in. They respect my privacy too much."

I held my breath as there came a knocking on the door. "Lads, if you want breakfast before you go to church then you’ll have to get up now."

"OK mam. We’re coming." Niall gave me another smile. "Told you so." He gave me a quick kiss on the lips before jumping out of bed.

I watched him dress. Many was the time I had tried to sneak a peek at his body in the changing rooms – now I could just watch him. He took his time, teasing me as he slowly pulled on his shirt and trousers. I wanted to pull him back into the bed and tease him with my tongue. I couldn’t though as there wasn’t time. And his parents were fully awake and in the next room.

It felt strange sitting at the dining table with the Horans' just as I had done many times. Nothing had changed yet everything was different. It's funny how one kiss can change two people’s worlds. I looked at Niall across the table. It was hard to believe it had really happened. That I had kissed him, held him and confessed my love. That I was in love at last. It was going to take some time to get used to.

I met Niall’s eyes. So blue. So innocent. He gave me a quick wink. It was all I needed to be convinced that it was happening.

I went to church with Niall and his family, then left him reluctantly to sit with mum and dad and my kid sisters. Niall was a couple of rows in front of me. I watched him constantly, the way his hair slightly curled in his neck. The way his head bowed when he prayed. The shape of his shoulders. And the curve of his back. I was definitely on a one way road to hell loving a boy, my best friend and then daydreaming about it in church. But if I got to keep Niall, I couldn’t get to hell fast enough.

 

"Mum. I might go back to Niall’s after dinner."

"What for? You spent all night with him!" Great phrase mum. Talk about hitting the nail on the head.

"I know but we’ve.. got homework.. and I promised to help him."

"I think you’ll be outstaying your welcome. It's not fair. You’re always at the Horan’s"

I seized my chance. "Then can he come here?"

She had walked right into it! I rarely had friends round. I lived too far out of town, but I knew Niall’s dad would pick him up. As we left church, I pulled Niall’s arm. "Mum says you can come round to do homework after dinner."

He smiled. "Great! I was dreading this afternoon, not being near you."

"Well this is my parents we’re talking about. Not like yours. No touching. No footsie under the table."

"Hey, I can handle that. Besides, I’m sure my mam and dad wouldn’t exactly encourage it."

"Well we can slip out for a walk. I can show you Sherwood Park. It's very romantic."

He smiled. "Can’t wait."

 

I watched how my parents were towards Niall in a different light. The light of them meeting my lover (hopefully!). Maybe one day I could introduce him as my partner. I was kidding myself. I could never see myself telling them I was gay, that I loved Niall. But why not, I argued with myself. They loved me. I was their son. They should accept who I loved. Maybe I was just naïve.

And they were OK with him. They didn’t make him as welcome as Maura and Bobby made me but that was how they were – they weren’t as relaxed. But mum sat and chatted to him. Poor Niall!

"Liam tells me you’re very musical Niall."

"I’m OK." He blushed. The faint pinkness made him look adorable. "My uncle Bressie’s the real talent. He teaches music in England."

"And what do you want to do Niall?"

"I don’t know, really. Be happy and healthy. Fall in love with an amazing person." Now I blushed. "I’ll probably teach music, if I pass Leaving Cert."

 

We escaped to my room. I switched on some music and got my books out . We sat at the desk pretending to work. In reality I was just enjoying Niall’s thigh resting on mine and his wonderful smell. The little noises he made unconsciously. Was this love? When you could find pure bliss in just sitting next to that one person? If so, I was in love!

We actually did some work. Suddenly neither of us wanted to waste precious time that we could have spent together in detention. But around 5 o'clock I stretched and yawned.

"Come on. Let's go get some fresh air."

"I thought you’d never ask." Niall was already pulling on his jacket.

"Mum." I stuck my head through the kitchen door. "We’re just going for a walk."

"What about your teas?"

"I’ll make us a sandwich when I get back." Suddenly I couldn’t wait to be alone with Niall.

 

 

It's not far to Sherwood Park from our house. We walked together, not saying anything. There was no need to. The October air was chill which gave me the excuse to pick up Niall’s hand and hold it tight, then place it alongside mine in my pocket. He didn’t move it away!

"So?"

"So what, Niall?"

"I guess we need to talk."

"Yeah I guess so." My heart was pounding. What if he was going to say it was all one huge mistake? I knew that would destroy me. I could live without it never happening but now that it had happened I couldn’t live without it. I was sure.

Niall bit his lip. "Liam. I never intended to fall in love with you. I just couldn’t help it. And I feel.. I feel as though you were pressured into.. what happened last night. I mean, I’ve known I was.. gay for a while now, but I don’t think.. think it was anything you suspected you were. If you’ve changed your mind, then I understand."

He was scared! Scared I didn’t want this relationship. Scared that I felt I had to love him, when all the time I wanted him so desperately. I stopped dead. And as I was holding his hand, he had to stop too. I turned to face him. I wanted to drown in his eyes. They were so very, very blue and so clear. I was seeing the real Niall. Open and vulnerable.

"Niall!" My mouth was suddenly dry. I licked my lips. "Niall, I can’t say I’m not surprised by this because I am. It all happened so fast. I knew I loved you, but I didn’t know how until last night. But surprised doesn’t mean.. uncertain! I know I love you. In every sense of the word. And I want you. I don’t know if I’m gay Niall. I mean, I’ve never even looked at another lad and to be honest I can’t see me doing so. But I don’t want to look at girls either. All I want is you!" Niall’s face relaxed. I realised he’d been holding himself tense. How deep his feelings were. He gave a sweet smile.

"Thank God."

I laughed. I was still holding Niall’s hand in one of mine. With the other I reached round and pulled him close to me. Our lips met and our love was sealed. We lost ourselves in kisses for quite a while. After all, there wouldn’t be many places where Niall and I could kiss in public, or hold hands as we walked. Most of that would be done behind closed doors, if it happened at all. But that day, it was blissful. Our sexuality was awakening yet in a curiously innocent way.

"It's not going to be easy." Niall broke reluctantly away from me. "We’ll have to be careful."

"I know that, Niall."

"We’ll end up in hell for it."

"Niall, are you trying to jinx it before it begins?"

He laughed. "No. Of course not. Jesus, Liam. I’m happier at this moment in time than I can ever remember being. But.. I don’t want you to think that its all.. romance. That everyone lives happily ever after."

"Do I look as though I believe in fairy tales?"

He laughed again. "No. Oh, I just can’t believe, accept, that I’m allowed to be so happy. I keep thinking there must be some terrible price to pay for this."

"Jesus, Niall. Of course you’re allowed to be happy. You’re the most wonderful person on earth. You have to be happy."

"No, I’m not Liam. I have faults. I’m quite quick tempered, especially when I haven't got enough sleep. I can also be very impatient. A perfectionist."

"You snore, and your feet smell!"

He gave a me a look. "Do I? Do they?"

It was my turn to laugh. "No, they don’t. I was just winding you up. But yes, you do snore."

"Have I kept you awake?"

"Nah. They’re only little snores. They’re really cute. Like a little piglet."

"Liam. I’ll flatten you in a minute."

"I’d like to see you try."

"Right then."

He dived on me. We wrestled happily for awhile. I was much taller than Niall, but he was strong and quite muscular. But  
eventually I had him pinned underneath me. "Surrender."

"Never."

"I’ve got you. You won’t win."

"Won’t I?" He made a sudden move, and the next thing I knew, our positions were reversed and he was sat on my stomach. "What were you saying, Liam?"

I was to see that a lot in Niall. He never ever gave in. Whatever he was doing or whatever the odds against him. He fought on. He was a tiger and I loved him for it. Even if it caused heartache for me.

I remained there, quite happily with Niall sitting on my stomach. I could feel his excitement, pressing into me. I wanted to hold him close. Make love to him. Yet at the same time I wondered where these feelings were coming from. I had never ever considered I could love another boy but I did. And it was happening so easily.

My train of thought was interrupted by Niall's soft lips meeting mine. As he released my arms I wrapped them round his body and held him . "Ni."

"I know." I hadn’t had to finish the words. "Because I feel the same."

We stood up. Jesus, we were covered in mud and bits of trees. "How the hell do we explain this?"

Niall wrinkled his little nose in thought. "Let's just tell them we were playfighting and got a bit carried away."

I laughed. "You’re right there." I slipped my hand back into his and studied them. They fit together as though they were meant to be. As though we were meant to be.

"Come on. Let's get back."

As we walked to the edge of the woods, I turned to Niall. "Ni. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything!"

"Are you a.. virgin?"

He nodded.

"So am I!" I didn’t wait for him to ask me, although I didn’t think he would – he knew. Just as I had known deep down that he was.

"That’s going to make it really special. Sealing our love. First lovers." He squeezed my hand. "I'm really nervous about it though."

I smiled at him. "Me too. We don’t have to rush though. We can wait until we’re both ready." I felt he was more apprehensive than I was, which was strange. He had been the one so sure of his sexuality.

"I’m not scared. Only scared that I won’t live up to your expectations."

"Oh Niall, you’ll always live up to my expectations. You’re everything I could ever want." He leaned over and kissed me, but not before I saw the tears in his eyes.

 

 

So Niall and I fell in love, and that was the easy bit. The hardest bit was building the relationship, and maintaining it. Not because of any lack of commitment on our parts but because of the circumstances we lived in. Mullingar, even in the 21st century, is not the place to nurture a homosexual relationship.

So it was slow to develop, in the physical sense I mean. Mentally and emotionally it was full on from that first kiss! Niall was always in my thoughts every second of the day. Never quite pushed out by trigonometry or biology or what ever should have been foremost. And he occupied my dreams. Wonderful passionate dreams, the kind you dream of having! But physically we took our time.

We got together in the September of our first year of Leaving Cert. – a happy time for me. And Niall of course. That was when we shared our first kiss. To others our friendship got stronger. To us, it was our love for each other strengthening.

I imagine it was circumstances that prevented our love becoming physical much sooner, at least partially. There weren’t many places we could just drop our pants and go for it - to be crude. Not that we would have, I’m just illustrating what I mean. I daren’t even kiss Niall at my house, not even in the privacy of my room. Mum had a habit of ‘dropping in’ without knocking – to check we were ‘all right’ and ‘didn’t need anything’. She seemed, even back then, to be reluctant to leave Niall and I alone together for too long. Were we that obvious? Anyway, my house was far away from town too and too well ordered to be comfortable in.

 

Niall’s house was the total opposite, but even there I don’t think the idea of Niall and I sleeping together would have gone down easily. But Mr and Mrs Horan found nothing out of place in the idea of Niall and I as best friends, inseparable, sharing a room, spending hours ‘listening to music’ and Niall’s small untidy room was the place for many of our first physical encounters.

"Oi Liam. Put the other CD on!"

"Do it yourself, you lazy bugger!"

"You’re nearer!" I was laid on the bed. Niall was sat at his desk, trying to finish a music assignment that HAD to be in the next day. Music, drama and music were the only subjects Niall made any effort in, voluntarily anyway. He just did enough in any other subject to avoid getting belted and spending every free moment in detention. But he wanted a career in Performing Arts and knew he’d have to work for it.

"Oh, OK." I found the CD and groaned – Bon Jovi ‘What About Now’. Niall and I didn’t have compatible taste in music. I loved R’n’B and hip/hop whereas he was more of an avid rock fan. But I wanted to please him, so I put it on. It wasn’t too bad.

I was drifting to sleep when Niall let out a loud and satisfied sigh. "Finished at last! Liam, wake up! I’ve finished."

"And you expect me to come running?" I teased.

The bed sank with a groan as he threw himself alongside me. "Why’d you sit there for the last two hours then?"

"Oh, I had nothing better to do." I gave him a sideways look. Jesus, he turned me on so much. His blonde hair was flopping in his eyes and he had his head on one side, studying me. He was wearing a baggy T shirt and old faded jeans, but he still looked as gorgeous as ever, and I felt a throbbing in my groin at the sight of him. Then he gave me a puppy dog look. He was good at those!

"My neck’s killing me, bent over that desk for hours. Rub it better please."

He was fucking irresistible. (Later on I’d find out that was literally as well!) I moved behind where he was sat and began to rub his shoulders. He shivered as my hands massaged him firmly. He was tense and the muscles knotted, but I could feel him loosening up under my fingers. I bent closer, so I was breathing on his soft sensitive neck. He shuddered again. His hair was so silky there.

"Feeling better?"

"Oh. God. Yes!" He breathed. "Don’t stop. Please. Don’t stop." His breathing was becoming more and more ragged. I leaned forward and flicked his cute pink ear with my tongue. He stifled the scream to a more acceptable yelp.

"Liam! Fucking hell."

"Have. I. Ever. Told you. How. Beautiful you. Are?" I was panting myself. "And that.. the back of you neck.. fucking drives me.. crazy." To emphasis this last remark I placed a light kiss on it. He whimpered, but regained his composure – what little he had!

"N-No! What’s.. so.. special?"

"I don’t know. But I sit looking at it in assembly or in maths or sometimes even in church. Thinking how I can’t wait to do.. this." I kissed him that little bit harder, but being careful not to leave a mark – that would be hard to explain. Niall who hadn’t had a girlfriend in months to appear with a great love bite on his very visible neck.

Niall shuddered harder. "Oh." He seemed to be lost for words.

"And sometimes, I dream about your ears. Nice and cute." I licked one just to let him know what I was thinking.

He yelped again, louder as I sucked his earlobe into my mouth and grazed it with my teeth. "Liam. I’ll be fucking cumming in my pants in a minute."

"No, you won’t. You can hold it." I nibbled that little bit harder. Then released his hypersensitive ear. He turned his head and managed to capture my bottom lip in his mouth. His tongue beginning to probe. We exchanged a deep kiss.

All the time my hands had still been rubbing his shoulders but now were sneaking over them and down his front. I could feel his erect nipples through the thin fabric of the shirt and I massaged them almost lazily.

I had never done any of this before and I don’t think Niall had either. We were just going on instinct, and instinct was a damn good teacher.

Realizing he was getting even more of a crick in his neck by the angle he was twisting to kiss me, he twisted his body in my arms so he was fully facing me. We both knelt on the bed. My legs slightly apart so his fitted in between them. His hands were round the back of my neck and mine were still rubbing his nipples through the shirt. He was sweating slightly.

"You know something Niall. You’re way too overdressed!" My hands found the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head.

"Oh Jesus."

I had seen Niall topless before. In the changing rooms and in his room when he’d been getting ready to go out. But it had never seemed like this. Maybe it was because all the other times had been coincidental and now he was half naked just for me. His eyes were shining in the dim light of the desk lamp. Dark blue with need and passion. There was a fine sheen of sweat to his skin which bore the last hint of his somewhat summer tan. His nipples were dark and hard, inviting sucking and biting.I just sat marvelling at his beauty and enjoying the idea that he was mine. That the body in front of me was for me to pleasure. To show him how wonderful love was. To enjoy!

"I’m not wearing a sign ‘look but don’t touch’ Liam!" He joked.

"Good, because I think you need a careful inspection." I touched a nipple lightly, almost hesitantly. He leapt like a fish out of  
water. "Shh, Niall."

"Do.. you.. know.. what that.. feels like..?" He demanded.

"No!"

"Like.. like fire running through my body. Like there’s a cord connected to.." He glanced down at his very noticeable erection. "down there. That I’m going to fucking come when you touch me."

"Sounds good." I circled the nipple with my fingers, feeling his nerves jump and cry. Ignoring his frantic twitching as I let my fingers trail down his abs to his belly button and circled that. I lowered my wet eager mouth onto the hard nipple and swirled my tongue around it. Sucking lightly and teasing it.

Niall’s whole body leapt towards me. "L-Liam." He was almost delirious with pleasure. Suddenly I wanted to share that feeling. To know what his satiny skin felt like, pressed against mine. I broke apart.

"LIAM!" He wailed.

"Just taking my shirt off, babe!" I threw it against the wall and pressed my warm eager body against his. My fingers finding where they had left and my mouth latching on to the other nipple. He wrapped both his arms round me and pulled me close.

Niall’s skin felt wonderful pressed against mine. Warm. Soft. I wanted to be closer and closer. My nipples were hard against his flesh and his hands moved into my hair. Holding me to his nipple like a baby.

We kissed each other like this for a while. I would occasionally move my mouth lower to his belly button to vary the assault on his erogenous zones, then back to his nipples. He was pleading and crying out now, in between running his fingers up and down my bare back. I guess we could have carried on for quite a while but both our wandering pairs of hands were working lower and lower, they were at the waistband stage now and we could both feel our erections digging into each other’s groins  
Yet instinctively I knew neither of us were ready for actual sex. There was a lot we had to discuss. And we were just getting to know each other’s bodies. But there were other things we could do to relieve the unbearable aching.

I made the first move. Unusual for me, but someone had to take the lead. With nervous fingers I fumbled at the fastening on Niall’s jeans. They actually gave surprisingly easily and I slid them down to his knees. Then I looked at my boyfriend.  
His excitement was obvious. From the bulge in his boxers and the large wet patch on the front of them. I glanced up at his face. He was smiling. Pink lips slightly parted and glistening, looking through lowered lashes.

"May I?" He nodded. and I slid the boxers down to join the puddle of his jeans. With a relieved sigh at the sudden release from the confines of his underwear he sprang free.

Of course I had nothing to judge him against (not that I would have anyway), except quick snatched glances in the shower. The ‘am I adequate’ or ‘above or below average’ kind of glances, but to me he was beautiful all over. The cluster of dark hair that gave away his natural hair colour and his perfectly proportioned shape. Glistening with copious amounts of precum. Breathing heavily. I was nervous. I had never touched anyone as intimately as I was about to touch Niall. I reached out.

He gasped as my fingers closed gently around his shaft. I was afraid of hurting him with too much pressure and his whole body seemed to thrust into my hand. Lightly, oh ever so lightly at first, I stroked him. Judging by his responses how firm I should hold him. My speed and pressure. His hand closed around mine, increasing the pressure. I remembered my own late night bathroom sessions. I was being too gentle, remembering with a faint flush of the pleasure a firm hold gave me. So I squeezed just a fraction more and he sighed with relief.

He was already well lubricated with his own juices and to be honest it wasn’t going to take much to push him over the edge he was balancing on. I reached down with my other hand to cradle his balls. He was panting violently now, I risked a glance at his face. He was sweating, and his eyes were closed. Murmuring almost inaudibly, but I was pleased to hear my name – over and over again.

He came suddenly. The cry was soft, but the force of his orgasm was violent. He shook forcefully and his juices flowed over my hand and over his stomach and chest. A seemingly incredible amount considering what had leaked out beforehand. Then he went limp and fell back on the bed, drained.

"Fucking hell, Liam. That was incredible."

My own erection was pounding, demanding release. Not expecting anything from Niall I quickly, impatiently, shed my own jeans and boxers. Sighing with relief at the freedom this gave me. I was incredibly aroused. It was almost impossible to believe that giving Niall pleasure had excited me this much, but it had. I reached down, but a sudden movement from Niall prevented me doing anything else.

"Please. Let me." His breathing was rapid. I nodded.

I had never had anyone touch me down there. But it was a.. the word for it is beautiful sensation. Beautiful in the sense of the love it conveyed. Not just a quick ‘getting off on it’, but love in every sense of the word.

Niall’s touch was very gentle. I began to see why he had taken control of my hand. It was a lovely sensation but not enough!

"Niall!" I hissed. "Harder."

"I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you!" I realised for certain that not only was he as inexperienced as I was, but he was nervous. Nervous as hell! I took his hand and gently, lovingly showed him what made me feel good. And boy did it make me feel good.

I came too quickly. Far too quickly, and like Niall had, all over. Not that it mattered. We both fell back on the bed together until we came down from the amazing high our orgasms had produced. I looked at Niall and my heart tightened with love. I had been ‘with’ him for a matter of weeks yet I didn’t want to, couldn’t imagine life without him, however much easier his absence would undoubtedly make my life.

Finally Niall spoke. "Jesus, Liam!’ He didn’t say anything else, he didn’t have to. The experience had been incredible. He got up to his washbasin and rinsed a face cloth. Then he gently cleaned my stomach and hands. His eyes never leaving my face.

He made to rinse the cloth to clean himself, but I wordlessly took it off him and wiped him as tenderly as he had cleaned me. It was part of the experience, and it felt so good just to be able to do some small thing for him.

The air crackled with our emotions, but they were impossible to put into words. Any fears I’d had about me and Niall had gone. I wrapped my arms round his soft warm body. "I love you, Niall."

"I love you. Totally." He kissed me.

Suddenly there was a shout outside the door. "Hey you two. Have you fallen asleep? You’ve been in there for hours." It was Niall’s mum. We jumped apart, hoping and praying she wouldn’t come in. We were both still naked.

"Liam had! I was finishing my music assignment." Niall sounded normal.

"Well, wake Liam up! It's dinner time." And then I heard her footsteps retreat!

Niall sighed with relief. "Close one! Get dressed then." We scrambled into our clothes and gave each other a last kiss before going into the world where we could only be friends. Niall gasped as he opened the door.

"Fucking hell. I never locked it." We exchanged glances, we’d been so intent on pleasuring each other we’d never thought to make sure the door was locked. But we’d had the luck of the devil. Laughing we went to eat, suddenly starving!

 

 

Our relationship was blossoming. I was practically living at the Horan’s! It was so much easier. No ‘but you must have other friends’ conversations. No ‘you should be dating girls by now Liam.’ No ‘you are spending too much time with Niall.’ Just acceptance that Niall and I were best friends and did everything together.

Of course I had the perfect excuse. I lived out of town. If I wanted to do anything in Mullingar and that was where all the ‘action’ was - I had to stay over. So I ‘invented’ social activities that made it necessary to stay with Ni. I just neglected to mention to mum that they ONLY involved me and Niall. It was just easier than trying to defend it but if she’d tried to stop me seeing Niall, I’d have defied her. Plain and simple. Niall was the centre of my universe.

I never told Niall that she wanted me to see less of him. That she didn’t ‘approve’ of our close friendship. I didn’t want to hurt him and besides I was probably being paranoid – she was always perfectly nice to his face.

And it was going well between Ni and me! We were slowly exploring each other’s bodies and also exploring our emotions and feelings. We talked a lot about the future. We agreed the two of us wouldn’t be able to exist as a couple in Mullingar. We’d have to move. Maybe get to university in Dublin or even the UK – it didn’t matter as long as we were together.

And we talked about sex. How we both wanted it. We both wanted to lose our virginity to each other. How we were nervous. Scared even. I had never imagined it would be as scary. But I wanted it to be right, to make Niall happy.

"It's not going to be easy, Liam. To find somewhere we won’t be disturbed."

"That puts my place out of the question then!"

"It's just getting a time in my house when there’s only us. And then, of course being in the mood for it!" He gave me a smile.  
I grinned back. "I really don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Do you?" A few minutes alone with each other excited the pair of us beyond belief.

"And then of course, getting protection." I looked at him. "Safe sex, Liam!"

"I know, but I thought.. Why do we need it, Niall? We’re hardly going to get pregnant and we're both virgins. So there’s no risk of catching anything!"

"Liam. It's best to be careful. But where the fuck do we get condoms?"

"The chemist?"

"Here in Mullingar? Liam, use your brain. It would be back to our parents in no time. I don’t know about you, but I have no desire to spend the rest of my life in front of a priest confessing. It needs some thought."

I leaned over and kissed him. "Too much thinking is bad for you! And all this talk of sex is making me extremely randy. What’s your parents doing?"

"Watching TV."

"Turn up the music a bit then, and lock the door."

Even without actual sex - we had a great love life. Mainly in Niall’s room. It was the beginning of December and far too cold to be stripping in Sherwood Park. And we were learning all the time. What turned each other on, different ways of giving each other pleasure. And going just that bit further each time!

 

 

"Will you be ok Niall, on your own?" Niall’s mum and dad were going to Dublin for the night, and not coming back till the next morning. Marielle and Charlie (Niall's foster siblings) were staying with Niall's Nan, but Niall had a football match in the evening and hadn’t wanted to miss it.

"I’ll be fine. Liam’s going to stay over. We’ll watch some videos."

"All right – but don’t get drunk!"

"As if." Niall grinned. His mam and dad were pretty relaxed about the whole going out/drinking deal.

"And have a good match."

He did, star of the team. Niall’s ability at football amazed me. He was so small, but he hung on like a terrier! And I knew from experience just how strong he was. He was covered in mud when he came out of the changing rooms.. I raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"No hot water! And I ain’t getting a cold shower. We’ll go home. I’ll clean up real quick and then we’ll go for something to eat. And then some videos, if that’s OK?"

"Sure!"

 

I lay on Niall’s bed, listening to him sing in the shower. I loved to hear him sing. Part of me wanted to strip off and join him under the hot water. To hold his soapy slippery body and make him scream my name in passion. But I restrained myself. We’d never get anything to eat at this rate. He wandered into the bedroom. "Told you it wouldn’t take long." I turned at the sound of his voice.

"Oh fuck, Niall."

He was stood in front of me with just a towel wrapped around him waist. His body sparkled with the water that dripped from his wet hair. I was transfixed by the sight of him. "Niall, you’re fucking gorgeous."

He blushed, a faint flush of red. "Liam."

"I mean it. And I have to fucking kiss you – NOW!"

He didn’t move away. I wrapped my arms round him and pulled him close. His skin was warm from the heat of the shower and it penetrated my thin shirt. Our lips met. Wasting no time with niceties, I forced his lips apart with my tongue and explored his mouth. Reaching up and tangling my hands in his wet hair, holding him while my tongue slowly and intimately caressed his entire mouth. He was excited. His erection rubbing against my thigh through the towel.

We broke apart for air. Niall was panting. His eyes wide and I knew he was as aroused as hell. Gently, yet firmly, I pushed him against the wall, so his back was pressed against it. I had forgotten all thoughts of food. All I wanted was Niall.

I lightly kissed a trail down his collarbone.. Then down to his nipple. It was hard already and I hadn’t touched it – yet! I circled it lazily with my tongue. Feeling his whole body thrust against me. I grazed it with my teeth. He yelped and grabbed my hair, gently twisting his fingers into it. Moaning as I sucked on the nipple and used my hands, one to trace the other nipple that I guessed was feeling neglected, and the other to run lightly up and down his sides.

"Liam!" He managed to gasp. I couldn’t reply – my mouth was busy! But I blew gently on the nipple and listened to his whimpers. This was heaven.

I spent a long time on his nipples. It was wonderful to know we weren’t going to suddenly have to jump apart and be filled with frustrated, unfulfilled longing. Then I began to kiss a trail down his stomach. Niall tasted wonderful. Just showered fresh and that unmistakable ‘Niall-ness’ I teased the soft flesh gently between my teeth, biting lightly on it. Then my hands had reached the top of the towel. Slowly I unfastened it, letting it fall to the floor.

I steadied his hips with my hands. He was very excited. My tongue was at his belly button now, lapping and caressing. Then I kissed a line down to the soft hair at the base of his belly. His breath was coming in short gasps and I risked a glance up at his face. His eyes were wide, as if he couldn’t believe this was happening to him, and they were dark blue with passion.

I had always been repulsed by the idea of oral sex. Maybe it was my strictly religious background. But the idea of actually sucking someone down there, or having someone’s mouth around my own private parts was .. yuck! But as I looked at Niall’s throbbing erection, glistening with a touch of precum, I wanted to taste him. So bad. To feel him in my mouth. It was a strong desire and at that moment stronger than my repulsion. I couldn’t feel repulsion about anything to do with Niall.

It was the most natural thing in the world. I kissed the tip of Niall’s cock. He gasped. A physical response but also I heard the note of surprise that I had actually done that – remember he had had the same narrow education that I had! I wanted to ask him if he was OK with this but my mouth was busy. And he wasn’t struggling to get away. I knew Niall so well now – he didn’t do anything he didn’t want to. So I flicked my tongue over the slit, tasting his juices for the first time.

It wasn’t unpleasant. Slightly salty, very ‘Niall’! My confidence grew and I slid my mouth over him, being careful not to touch him with my teeth. He moaned loudly and thrust forward. For a minute I was frightened I was going to choke, but then I relaxed and let nature and instinct take its course. Niall seemed to be enjoying it. I had no idea what it felt like - but by the cries and moans it was good! He was getting louder and louder and it was a good job the house was empty. Then I heard him gasp. "Liam.. going.. going.. to.. cum."

Oh shit, what the fuck did I do now? I didn’t have time to think. "LIAM!!!!" Niall cried my name in a way I’d always wanted to hear and his body shuddered violently. My mouth filled with warmth which, without thinking, I swallowed. Accepting part of Niall gladly. Niall slid down the wall, drained. I was now knelt between his outstretched legs. He opened his eyes. "Jesus, Liam!"

"Like it?" My voice was slightly hoarse.

He nodded. "I wasn’t fucking expecting it!"

"I didn’t plan it! It just sort of happened." I touched his face.

"Well, it was great." He smiled that heartbreaking smile. I leaned over and kissed him deeply. He looked at me as we broke apart.

"You taste different."

"That’s you, honey." His eyes widened.

I laughed. "Was it really better than when I use my hand?"

"Oh yes." A wicked smile crossed his face. "Come on!"

I was puzzled as he led me to the bed, but as he undid my trousers and pulled my shirt off, I knew what was coming. I shivered in anticipation.

"Ni. Do you want to..?"

"What sort of fucking question is that? Of course I want to. You’re not having all the fun." He began kissing my chest. To be honest, my nipples were nowhere as near sensitive as Niall’s. Different people, different places. But I was pretty aroused.

Watching and feeling Niall cum had done that, and his mouth was heavenly. A soft, warm, wet cavern.

It was even more heavenly as it wrapped itself round my pulsing erection. I tried not to thrust too hard. I didn’t want to scare Niall, but soon I was crying and moaning. His tongue teasing the end of my cock, probing into the slit was more than I could stand and without warning I came violently. Niall took it all, and then reached up for a kiss.

It’s the strangest feeling, really. Tasting yourself on someone else, but it was so intimate. It was the farthest Niall and I had gone and I felt part of him! I was sure he felt part of me too. We lay exhausted in each other’s arms.

"Niall?"

He smiled up at me. "What babe?"

"I love you."

"Love you too." He yawned – he looked cute. His hair had dried and it was fluffy, which he hated, but I thought made him look adorable. His skin was bathed in a post orgasmic glow and my heart tightened. I loved him so much. More than anything. Yet that caused a pain. Because to love so completely was bound to cause sorrow. Nothing ever was perfect, things happened. But that moment was perfect.

"Are you tired?"

"A little."

"Then you sleep. I’ll hold you."

"But what about something to eat?" Niall was trying to be the host.

"Oh, I just had a little snack." I gave him a cheeky wink. "Look, let's have a rest. Then we can have supper. Hey!" He’d reached between my legs and squeezed.

He smiled innocently. "Just checking dessert!"


	3. T-H-R-E-E

"So, how long will you be gone for?" I tried to keep the accusing note out of my throat. The truth was I was gutted. Niall had just told me he’d been picked for the St. Mary's Senior football team and they had an away tournament to play in Derry.

"We go Friday night and get back Sunday night. I’m sorry Liam."

"You don’t have to be sorry." I felt guilty now. It was a big moment. Nearly all the team were lads in their last year, Niall would be one of the youngest – it was an honour! But I was choked because it meant a weekend without him. We usually either went out Saturday night or ‘studied’, but I would have to stay home this weekend. I had no right to make Ni feel bad though. "You knock ‘em dead." I winked at him – I couldn’t do much else as we were just walking out of school grounds.

He grinned back. "They’ll probably knock me dead – have you seen the size of them?" Niall hadn’t grown much, he was probably only about 5’7" and around 9 stone. But he was a fighter.

"You’ll be great." I heard a car horn and groaned – mum had decided to pick me up. Which meant I couldn’t go home with Niall. "Want a lift, Ni?"

"No, it's only a short walk." Was Niall picking up on the fact that mum didn’t ‘approve’ of our friendship? "I’ll call you later."

The team left on the Friday night and I was lost. Mum noticed. "Staying in tonight?"

"Yep." I popped the 'p' whilst I flicked through the channels on the TV.

"Fallen out with Niall?"

"No. He’s playing football in Derry for the school this weekend." She looked marginally impressed and quite relieved.

It was the longest weekend. Niall called when he could, but he was in a dorm full of lads and could hardly whisper sweet nothings. Plus mum seemed to want the phone every time he called. I made up my mind that I’d have to ask for a mobile for Christmas or get a job to pay for one! Then I started to worry. Niall was sharing with all those muscular attractive sporty types. One of them was bound to be gay. What if..? I tossed and turned, full of dreams where Niall just walked away from me.

Sunday night came at last. I didn’t expect to see Niall until Monday at school, so when there was a knock on the door at about 7 pm I didn’t expect it to be him. But it was. "Hiya. I got dad to bring me. He’ll pick me up about 10, if that’s OK?"

"That’s great!" I couldn’t keep the smile off my face, then I noticed the bruise on his cheek. "Christ, what happened?"

"They play rough." Then he grinned again. "But they found out I play rougher. We won. We fucking won!"

"Fantastic." I picked him up and swung him around, then I realised mam was watching. "They.. uh.. Niall.. uh.. St. Mary's won the tournament!"

"Oh. I see." Obviously not seeing at all.

Dad however understood, he ruffled Niall’s hair. "Good on you lad."

We eventually escaped to my room – nothing naughty though, my room didn’t lock.

"I’m covered in bruises and I missed you like hell. I was in such a bad temper. I took it out on them. That’s why we won. The coach couldn’t believe it! All season he’s been telling us to be more aggressive, and I went out there and kicked their arses." Niall smiled.

"SO, how was freedom?" It was the first time either of us had been away without our parents.

"Cool. I think we should think of going to live there. Oh and I went shopping on Saturday morning. Got you a present." He handed me a parcel.

"Ni, you shouldn’t have!" I knew he had less money than I did. The Horan's had raised/were raising 5 kids, and though they weren’t spoilt - they had everything to give them a good start in life. And Mrs Horan didn’t work.

"It's not much. And it's a bit soppy!" It was a little cuddly bear. I smiled at Niall.

"He’s sweet – just like you!"

"And I got us something else." He checked to make sure the door was closed, and took a small packet out of his pocket.

"What the..?" Then I realised. "Niall.. how the fuck did you get condoms?"

"Went to the chemist. Told them I needed travel sickness pills. I faked being sick the whole way there."

"You just went into the chemist and bought them?" I looked at Kian in amazement!

"Yes."

"How? Why?" I was speechless.

"Well, I got them off the shelf and paid for them, like you do! And I thought why was obvious. I want to sleep with you, Liam." His eyes took on a hurt look. "And I thought you wanted to sleep with me. That you wanted us to get closer. Be truly together... but.."

"Niall. No buts. Of course I do. It's great! You’re great. I’m just.. shocked. What if Mr. Connor had caught you?"

"I’d have been in big trouble! But he didn’t! I was terrified, though. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done - but I did it and now we’re all prepared. We just need the right time. The rest will be a piece of cake." I laughed at him and risked a quick squeeze of his knee. My boyfriend was quite something.

 

We actually got the perfect opportunity the following Saturday night. Mr. And Mrs Horan were invited to a wedding in Cork. They were taking Marielle and staying over but after much soul searching decided to leave Niall to take care of Charlie.

"You sure you can manage him, Niall?"

"Of course. Go and have a great time."

Charlie was two, and soon was ready for bed. I listened to Niall reading him a bedtime story and felt a lump in my throat.  
"He’s fast asleep."

Niall led me into the piano room and began to play softly, songs he was working on. I watched his fingers placed carefully on the notes. The muscles in his arms tensing. The way his blond hair fell in his eyes. The way the tip of his pink tongue peeked between his lip when he concentrated. I had noticed this often (and given myself a raging hard-on) in class, when he was doing something he was totally absorbed in. Luckily for my sake there wasn’t much at school that absorbed him that much!

 

I couldn’t take any more. I walked over to him and put my arms over his shoulders rubbing the front of his body and his nipples through the soft sweater he wore. He groaned.

"You’re distracting me."

"That was the plan.. to distract you. Turn you on and have my wicked way with you. Sound good?"

"Uh-huh." He didn’t have to say any more. I saw the tent forming in his combat trousers. I kissed the back of his neck.

"Where?"

"How bout right here?"

I nodded. There was no saying it had to be in a bed. "You got the..?"

"Upstairs. I’ll go and get them."

I turned on some music very low. It was instrumental. One that Niall often played and drew the curtains. I was so excited. This was it. Niall and I were going to seal our love. Consummate the relationship.

Niall came back with the condoms. He looked nervous. I felt nervous. "Uh.. Liam, who does what?" I had never thought of that. I just assumed. I didn’t actually have that much of a knowledge of gay sex and I knew Niall didn’t either. After all we were discouraged from asking about heterosexual sex, and that must be pretty simple – you knew who did what. I looked at Niall.

"Look, let's just kiss and hold each other – see where it leads?" He nodded with relief. I pulled him to me. Our tongues met. I had no fear. Everything else with Niall had been perfect. Every other ‘first’ – this would be the pinnacle!

We knew each other’s bodies so well now - it didn’t take long for us to be rolling around in a state of half naked ecstasy. Well, almost naked except for boxer shorts ecstasy! I didn’t know who was going to lead but then Niall reached for his jeans and pulled out the condoms. He handed me one.

"Put that on."

"On you?"

"On yourself." I realised then. I suppose it was a natural progression. I had always ‘led’ in our other sexual encounters. I opened the condom and looked at it. Then at Niall.

"Oh Jesus. Here, let me." He took hold of me firmly but gently and I smiled as I became aroused instantly. His touch had that effect on me. Then he slid the condom on.

It felt funny. A bit.. restricting, but I’d have to get used to that. Niall turned on his stomach. "OK."

I had automatically assumed that because everything was always so good between us that losing our virginity would be too. That it would ‘happen’ instinctively. But it’s the real world. We were two virgins and, looking back, it was a complete and utter failure.

I positioned myself over Niall. He was tense with nerves. "Relax baby." I began kissing the back of his neck and length of his spine down towards where I was going to enter him. I wanted him to relax but I was rushing because I sure as hell didn’t want to lose my arousal and have to go through the whole condom business again. "Right Niall. I’m going to enter you."

Of course we didn’t know about how Niall would be tight inside, how I should have loosened him up. That he would need some lubricant. And that even with all that it would have hurt. I just edged myself into him.  
I felt him flinch under me and heard his sharp intake of breath. "Niall? You ok, babe?"

"Y-yes. It's just.. a.. bit.. strange. Go on."

The first nagging doubts were hitting me. I reached under him to find his erection. Maybe I should take his mind off it by making him climax. He was aroused all right. I began to stroke him and also continue to work my way in. I heard him muttering under his breath but he kept urging me on. But when he let out a pained yell, I stopped.

"Liam.. Why.. you..?"

"Because I’m fucking hurting you, aren’t I?" I was having problems myself – I couldn’t seem to get any further in without really forcing it and I guessed Niall was hurting enough.

"Yes." He finally admitted it and burst into tears. I went limp immediately at the thought of causing Niall pain and slid out of him.

"Fuck"’

"I’m sorry Liam." Niall’s voice was soft and full of tears. He was still on his stomach.

"It's not your fault Niall."

"It is. I’m useless. Can’t even fuck properly."

"It's as much my fault as yours." Niall still wouldn’t face me so I turned him gently over. He was crying. "Oh, Niall."

  
"I shouldn’t have stopped you, shouldn’t have said anything.. but.. but it.. hurt Liam. It hurt!"

Now I felt a bastard. I had hurt Niall, and that was one thing I never wanted to do. But I wasn’t good enough in bed and I’d hurt him. He was laying on his back looking at me with tear filled eyes which made his eyes look deeper blue.

"Oh baby. I’m sorry." I pulled him into my arms and kissed his wet face. He clung to me and cried. We stayed on the floor like that a long time. Then Charlie started to cry upstairs.

"Shit! I bet he’s had a nightmare." Niall struggled to get up, and let out a cry. "Fuck, it hurts."

I led him to the living room and laid him on the sofa. "But Charlie?"

"I’ll go, babe. Just rest."

Charlie had had a nightmare – I felt as though I was in one. He sat up in bed. "Want Ni-all!"

"Niall’s not feeling too well, kiddo. It’ll have to be your uncle Liam!" I got him a drink and sang him to sleep. Niall hadn’t moved. He was curled on his side, but he wasn’t asleep – I knew that!

"How are you, babe?" I brushed his damp hair away from his eyes.

"OK, if I don’t move."

"I’m really sorry."

"It's not your fault Liam. We both wanted it. I didn’t think it would hurt like this though. Am.. am I bleeding?"

I had never thought of that! What if I had injured Niall? Like, properly injured him - as in he would need medical help? With a pounding heart I gently turned him over. There was a little dried blood round his opening and a trickle, also dried, down one thigh. But there was no sign that he was bleeding now.

"Well.. you’ve bled a bit, but it's dried, so I don’t think it was much."

"Hope not. Christ."

I sat stroking his hair. "Niall, I know it hurts but, I think you’ll need a bath."

To my surprise, he agreed. I helped him up the stairs and ran the water. "Can you manage?" He nodded.

"I’ll make us some hot milk."

A sad look crossed his face. "Liam, aren’t you staying here?"

"I didn’t think you’d want me to."

"Of course I do. Please."

I smiled. "Ok."

He yelped a bit when the water touched his arse. but I could see from his face that it was easing the soreness. And when I helped him out and dried him on the thick cream towel there was no blood so I guessed it wasn’t serious.

We sat together on the sofa sipping hot milk and cuddling. I held Niall close – he looked vulnerable to me. The thought of him in pain was unbearable. The thought I had caused it however, was even worse. He lay his blond head on my shoulder.

"Liam, that wasn’t what we expected, was it?"

I had to smile. "Not really. I’m so sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to hurt you."

"I know that.. and I’m ok. Just sorry I let you down."

"No, you didn’t. Look Niall, it wasn’t what we thought. It will be eventually.. we just have to wait until the right time." I planted a kiss on his forehead. "And if its any consolation, if losing my virginity had to be such a bloody awful experience.. I’m glad it was with you. Because I think it would have finished me with anyone else."

It was clumsy but he knew what I meant. "Me too."

 

If there was one good thing to come out of that disastrous night it was the certainty of our love! And the fact it was so much more that physical. I loved Niall more than ever.and I was sure he loved me as much – we just needed more practice at physically demonstrating it!

 

 

  
We didn’t try to have sex again. We went back to the tried and trusted methods of giving each other pleasure. But I was curious. I wanted to have sex with Niall. What had we done wrong? So I began to do research.

It wasn’t easy – as I’ve said Mullingar wasn’t a place where you could just ask some one. You can’t just pop down to the local youth worker and say 'Hey, me and my boyfriend want to fuck each other, but we don’t know where to start.’ No, information had to be gained in more subtle ways. And what’s more subtle than the internet?

I didn’t have internet access at home and neither did Niall. I hadn’t even told Niall I was preparing for us trying again – after all he was the one who had been hurt and he would probably be very reluctant. But we had internet access at school.. even though it was risky.

I wasn’t a fool. I didn’t want to be caught with information like that in my logon history. So I chose someone in my class who I hated and hacked into their file – it was easy to guess the password! Then I selected a computer in the corner where I could see anyone approaching before they saw the screen and typed in a few choice keywords. And wow!

I read the pages of info totally hooked. I had never given some of this stuff a second thought but of course it was obvious. I learnt (in theory anyway!) how to open Niall up, stretch his walls. That I would need some kind of lubricant. That it might be better for Niall and a more intense emotional experience for us both if he was on his back. How to locate and stimulate the prostate which should send Niall wild and make it as good as experience for him as for me. This was heavy stuff, but I left the ICT room feeling confident. All I needed to do was persuade Niall and get the house to ourselves.

I didn’t get the discussion with Niall that Friday night because we were going to watch Marielle in her school play and I didn’t get the right moment alone with him. And I wouldn’t see him during the day on Saturday because he had recently got himself a job at TopMan to earn extra money for Christmas. But I always went round on Saturday night, so we could discuss it then!

 

Except that it didn’t happen. I was looking for something nice to wear for him when mum came into my room – without knocking!

"Mum. Can’t you knock?"

"Why? Have you got something to hide?"

"No, but I’m an adult now. Niall’s mum always knocks." Wrong thing to say!

"Maybe Niall has something to hide."

"Like what?"

"I don’t know. Liam, this friendship.. you’re very close."

"He’s my best friend!"

"I’d prefer it if you’d mix more. Anyway, I came in to say don’t make any plans for tonight. Mr and Mrs Smith are coming for dinner, and they're bringing their daughter Sophia. She’s your age."

"Mum, I have plans. I’m going to Niall’s like I do every Saturday."

"Exactly, then it won’t matter if you give it a miss this week."

"Mum."

"Liam, you need to meet girls."

"Then why the hell did you send me to an all boys school?"

"I’m not discussing it. But you aren’t going out tonight!"

"We’ll see about that!"

So, what did she do? She sent my father in. "Liam, see reason. It's one night."

"I’ve made plans. Niall’s expecting me."

"You can call him."

"I don’t want to. I’m going!"

"Put it like this, Liam. You step out of this house, and you don’t see Niall again!"

"What?" I couldn't believe it.

"We mean it. We think your friendship with Niall is becoming too exclusive. You need to make other friends. I don’t want to stop you seeing him full stop, but if I have to, I will. Now go and ring him, tell him you’ve made other plans."

"Like fuck I will."

My father’s jaw dropped – he’d never heard me swear before. Then he slapped me across the face. "I never want to hear that language in this house again. Now get changed for dinner. Or you and Niall don’t see each other.. again!"

I looked him in the eye, it was the first time he had hit me, ever! And he was serious about Niall. I could tell that. I moved towards the door.

"And where do you think you are going?"

"To call Niall, ok?"

"Oh no, you blew that option. You get dressed and be nice to our friends."

"But Niall won’t know where I am!"

"He’ll realise you aren’t coming. Now hurry up."

I sat and cried. Niall would be waiting. I didn’t know what he’d think. That I’d had an accident or wasn’t well maybe. Or heaven forbid wasn’t interested. I could see his face, him looking at his watch, biting his lip. Then I heard the phone ring.

"I’m sorry Niall," My mum’s voice was cold. "But Liam’s having dinner with friends of ours and their daughter. He must have forgot. I don’t know why he didn’t ring you!"

"NIALL!" I dashed downstairs, but I was too late, she’d hung up. "Why did you say that?"

"Does it matter? He’s only a school friend, Liam. You’re getting way too worked up about this."

I paused to think. She was right and wrong. Wrong about the school friend bit. He was my world but right that I was getting too worked up. I’d give the game away at this rate.

"Well you taught me not to let people down." Then I went and changed.

It was an awful evening. Mr and Mrs Smith were probably OK. I just didn’t give them or Sophia, who was quite pretty, a chance. I wasn’t exactly sparkling company, and I knew mum and dad were angry. I slunk off to bed to dream of Niall as soon as I could.

 

I got up for church. I could see Niall, explain, even though mum and dad were still furious with me. I didn’t care. As long as I could let Niall know the truth. But Niall wasn’t there. His mum and dad were, but not him. I was anxious. Where was he? After mass, I tried to slip away but my mum stopped me and hurried me out of the church.

"Mum. Let me go and see Niall." It was after lunch and I was fretting.

"After last night’s behaviour? No way Liam. You’re grounded for the week!"

"But he wasn’t in church."

"So? He’s probably turning into a heathen. Now, do your homework."

"Can I just call him, for 2 minutes? Just to see?"

"No! Grounded includes phone privileges." I defiantly did no homework, which ultimately would land me in more trouble and then I cried myself to sleep. 48 hours without Niall, and I was hurting so much.

 

I was eager to get to school the next morning. It meant Niall. We weren’t in the same tutor group, but we had maths together second period. I looked anxiously for him, but he wasn’t there. The panic started to rise. I asked a lad in his tutor group. "Where’s Niall this morning?"

He shrugged. "No idea. He didn’t register. My guess is he’s sick, or bunking off!"

That did it. I didn’t care what trouble I got into. I _had_ to see Niall. As soon as the lesson ended I was through the gates, and heading towards Niall's house.

Mrs Horan opened the door. "Hi Liam, shouldn’t you be at school?"

"Yes.. but I was worried about Niall.. with him not being in church yesterday, and school this morning. Is he sick?"

"He says he is. I don’t know exactly what's wrong though. It started late Saturday night. He had a really bad night’s sleep and said he felt sick. He hasn’t eaten and I worry about him."

So did I. "Can I see him?"

"Of course. You might cheer him up. Because I’m going to get the doctor if he isn’t any better. Go on in."

I pushed Niall’s door open. The room was in darkness. I could make out Niall’s shape under the duvet. I sat on the edge of the bed. "Ni, its me. What's wrong babe?"

"Fuck off!" It was indistinct. Bearing in mind his head was under the duvet, but I knew that’s what he’d said.

"Not a chance Niall. Now bloody look at me!" I pulled the duvet down. He was pale and I could see he’d been crying, but his eyes were blazing now.

"I told you, Liam! Fuck off."

"What have I done?"

"You know. Stood me up for some friend of the family and you didn’t even have the guts to call me!" I heard the sob in his voice.

"Ni, I didn’t even know they were coming until mum stopped me going out."

"You could have called. Don’t make excuses if you’ve having second thoughts about us. Just tell me!"

"I’m not. Christ, Niall. I couldn’t call, because they wouldn’t let me use the phone. I said ‘fuck’."

"You’re always saying ‘fuck’."

"Not in front of them. They were looking for an excuse to stop me." I shut up.

"Do they know about us?" Niall was perceptive.

"No. I wouldn’t be standing if they did. They think I should have more friends.. not be as ‘exclusive’."

"So that’s why your mam was a cow to me on the phone?"

"Yeah, I heard her. Ni, I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world."

He lay silent for a minute then smiled. "I’m sorry too. That I jumped to the wrong conclusion but.. but.. I thought it was because of .. y'know, me being hopeless in bed. That you wanted to dump me."

"Jesus Niall, no. And you’re not hopeless. Am I forgiven?"

He smiled and held out his arms. "Yeah. As usual, I didn’t think." We hugged. Platonically, sexually – that hug was everything. My heart beat slowed down for the first time since church yesterday, then I looked at him.

"So are you sick?"

"No.. but I felt it. I couldn’t eat. I wanted to vomit. I guess I was lovesick."

"And your mum believed you?" I had to be practically dying to get a day off of school

He looked a bit. embarrassed. "Yeah.. she’s.. easy to fool. Doesn’t like to take chances with any of the kids health." He changed the subject. "So, you bunked off. Are you staying?"

"Might as well! I ought to make it worth the detentions I’ll get, not to mention that I won’t see you any evening this week. I’m grounded."

"I never knew your mam hated me."

"It's not hate, Niall. She’s just.. over possessive."

"Uh-uh." He didn’t sound convinced, maybe it was a sixth sense. "Shall I see if mam will make us any bacon sandwiches?"

I spent the rest of the day with Niall. His mum was anxious about me getting into trouble, but she was pleased that Niall was ‘feeling better.’ I really had a job getting my head round this treating Niall like a baby. But then again, that was how my mum treat me only in a different way. Mrs Horan was concerned - but she didn’t try to control Niall’s life for him. She let him live it for himself. It was a big difference.

I was curiously happy as I went home that night despite the trouble I’d be in. Niall and I had come through our first major row and were just as strong. if not stronger. I loved him so much. it was meant to be. But I’d have to get a job and fast. This relationship needed a mobile phone if it was to survive my mum’s meddling!

 

 

I didn’t see much of Niall the following week.. I was grounded and then mum found out about the bunking off. I knew she would do. I had hardly been subtle, doing a runner through the main gates! But it was worth it! Niall and I were still together, still in love. It was worth the fortnight’s detention, the lecture, the month of housework mum gave me to do which would overlap the Christmas holidays. Niall was worth it all - and much more.

Despite this, I was happy! I managed to get a job in a local pizza place. Friday and Saturday nights. Niall wasn’t too happy at first but then I informed him that I couldn’t get home at the time I finished, so would have to legitimately stay with the Horans over the weekend if his parents didn’t mind. Of course they didn’t, so I got to stay with Niall Fridays and Saturdays. He did his homework while I worked, I did mine on the Saturday while he worked – it was great! Plus I earned enough to get the mobile phone so we could speak to each other every night! Laid in our separate beds. Mulllingar town between us, and we could tell each other of our love, it was great!

Of course mum and dad weren’t too happy about me staying at the Horans. They made the excuse I was taking advantage, becoming a nuisance, but Mrs Horan went to see mum and told her it wasn’t a problem. I was like an extra member of the family. Probably didn’t ease mum’s fears, but it took away her excuses.

So I was actually looking forward to Christmas. I had money for once and more importantly someone to spoil with that money, someone to kiss under the mistletoe. Niall!

"So babe, do we go to the school Christmas dance?" It was 1.30 am and I had just got in from the pizza place. I was laid next to Niall in his single bed running my fingers through his soft blond hair. I never tired of that.

"I don’t know if I want to. We can’t go together, dance together. Kiss under the mistletoe. There’s not a whole lot of point."

"I know that Niall, but we’ve always gone. Won’t it look strange if we suddenly don’t?"

There was a long silence as he thought about it. "I guess so. But I won’t enjoy it."

"No, but we can have a private party afterwards." I kissed him on the lips. Another thing I never tired of. His lips were so soft – as soft as any girls. So delicate and sensitive. He kissed me back and soon I felt the familiar pressure of his tongue, I conceded willingly and let him caress my mouth because it felt so good. Then I felt his hands tugging at the waistband of my boxers. neither of us ever wore pyjamas. Niall always took the initiative when I came in from work. I was usually a bit hyped, unable to sleep and Niall could relax me. Big time. I smiled as I felt his hand round my already hard cock. "I love you, Ni."

 

It was an OK dance, but my mind was focused on what was happening afterwards. I saw Niall nod to me and slip away early and I made my excuses and met him outside. He was smiling. His first genuine smile of the evening. I could tell the difference, always had been able to.

It was a cold frosty night. the stars shining brightly. No one was around so we slipped an arm round each others waist – it wasn’t as risky as it sounded, if anyone had seen us we would have looked like 2 drunk friends helping each other home. We let ourselves silently into the Horan house and slipped into Niall’s room.

I put the hi-fi on low and selected some Christmas music. Niall found the bottle of vodka he’d hidden and got some orange juice – and paper cups. Fore some reason this made me giggle.

"Liam, sshhh!"

"Sorry." I tried to keep a straight face. "Really stylish, Ni!"

"Shut it! I’m not risking a journey to the kitchen to get glasses." He handed me a cup without ceremony.. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas love." I swallowed the vodka and orange – shit it was strong, thank god he worked in a clothes shop and not a bar. When I had got my breath back I pulled the mistletoe out of my pocket. "I want a Christmas kiss."

We kissed deeply, then broke apart. The music changed to a slow song and Niall held out his arms. "Dance with me." So once more we danced in the dark of his room. A beautiful moment yet curiously sad because all I wanted was to dance with Niall in public, tell people of our love. Something I could never do. We were both awkward dancers, but to each other that didn’t matter. All that mattered was the feeling of closeness that it gave us.

"I guess you won’t be able to come over on Christmas day?" Niall sounded sad.

"No, I’m sorry." Mum would go bananas. I knew without even asking.

"I know. I’ll miss you so damned much though."

"I’ll be over Boxing Day. I promise you."

We held each other a long time that night. "This will be the happiest Christmas of my life.. because I have you." Niall touched my face. "Let's promise to spend every Christmas together."

I nodded. I couldn’t imagine any time without Niall, not any more. We fell asleep but I noticed the song playing as Niall’s eyes closed ‘Lonely this Christmas’ and a shiver ran down my spine.

 

It was an OK Christmas day. Only Niall would have made it good. But I got some new clothes and stuff plus a course of driving lessons for when I turned 17 the following August. And dad promised me a car too. I knew the reasoning behind that one – I would be able to get home and not have to stay with Niall.

Niall had bought me a Jay Z CD. He told me he had my real present to give me the following day, which was the same as I was planning. But I had given him a poetry book. He was really into poetry and would love it. And of course, I could talk to him only not for long. Mum was wielding the knife over the turkey and I didn’t want to risk her wrath in fear of being prevented from going the next day. I could barely hear Niall any way – his house was far noisy than mine.

I fell asleep listening to the CD and was up bright and early to walk the 2 miles plus to Niall’s. It was a crisp bright morning and I was happy. So was Niall. He was looking out of the window for me. I smiled. Love was the best feeling in the world.

"Merry Christmas!" He hugged me briefly. His parents were around, but he had time to whisper "I love you" before pulling back. He looked very pleased with himself. I didn’t know why!

"Hiya Liam." Mrs Horan gave me a hug. "Had a good Christmas, love?"

"Yes, thank you." She was so different to my own mother, but how would she be if she knew the truth? That me and her son were in love. She’d probably hate me.

"Well me, Bobby, and the rest of the family are going to my family in Roscommon for the day. I told Niall you’re welcome to come or you and he can stay here and amuse yourselves."

"I told you mam. We’ll stay here."

"You’ll be bored stiff."

"We won’t. There’s plenty on TV, the playstation and my new guitar – don’t worry I WON’T disturb the neighbours."

"Does Liam want to stay here?"

"Yes. It's fine with me." My heart was pounding at the thought. A whole day - alone with Niall.

"Well, there’s plenty of food in. And Niall, don’t drink too much. Make sure he behaves, Liam."

 

We watched them drive off and Niall locked the door. "Make me behave then, Liam." He teased with mischief twinkling in his eyes. We wrestled happily. I loved any excuse to place my hands on his body. So warm and smooth.. and I had a feeling this was leading to something big.

We had a relaxing morning. In the early afternoon we ended up in Niall’s room, in his bed. A couple of vodka and oranges later and we were rolling in each other’s arms. Kissing, exploring our bodies with a frenzy neither of us had ever felt before. I had Niall’s boxers off and was running my fingers down his bare back enjoying the squirming of his body. Somehow my fingers ended up at the top of his entrance.

I didn’t even fully realise what I was doing. I held my fingers to his mouth. "Lick them Ni, make them wet."

He hungrily sucked on my fingers, but tensed as my hand went round his arse again. "Liam." His voice was fearful.

"Shhh, Niall. I’m not going to hurt you. Let me try something. If it hurts, I promise I’ll stop." To my surprise he nodded. Maybe the alcohol was relaxing him, but I realised it was the sheer amount of trust he had in me. I wanted to cry at that. I’d hurt him and he still trusted me.

The first finger slipped in quite easily. He tensed in my arms, but didn’t seem to be in pain. I guessed it was the unfamiliar sensation. I moved it about a bit, realising what the internet had meant about ‘tight virgin walls.’ Niall was very tight, and I could only get the next finger in half way.

"Sorry Ni. I’m not slippery enough."

"Liam.. bathroom, third shelf.. there’s some of Charlie’s baby lotion. Will that do?" His voice had a strange urgency to it.

I got the bottle and took it back. Niall was very aroused. "You sure, Ni?"

"Certain."

I slicked my fingers in the pink goo - then rubbed a bit round Niall’s entrance for good measure. He jumped and gasped. "That’s fucking cold."

"Well this bit will be colder." I eased the first finger back in, and he yelped. Not with pain but with shock.

Slowly, carefully I inserted my second finger. It went in much easier and I began to see how we’d fucked up before. Niall held his breath.

"Does it hurt, Niall?"

"No. It isn’t exactly comfortable, but bearable."

"Do you want me to stop, babe?"

"No. No." He sounded desperate.

I moved my fingers within him gently trying to stretch the walls without causing pain. He moaned a little, but insisted it didn’t hurt. I knew from his body language that it was nothing like that first time.

I was trying to find his prostate. Everything I’d read said that if I hit that, he’d be in seventh heaven. But it was like finding a needle in a haystack.. blindfolded! I decided to relieve him by hand and then see if he wanted to go for the whole sex thing again. He was very hard and dripping precum. As I stroked him up and down firmly I decided to try another finger because I didn’t know if he’d be able to accommodate me .

The third finger slipped in, aided by the pink stuff.. and suddenly my fingers touched something. I didn’t have to ask if it was the right spot because Niall’s body leapt like a fish on a line and he yelped.. and came over my hand.

"You ok, Niall?"

"Fucking hell, Liam! That was amazing." Laughing, I probed the spot again to an even better reaction.

"Ni, do you want to..?" I didn’t finish the question, he was nodding. "Have you still got the condoms?" He nodded to his top drawer and I got one out. I was hard already, the sight of Niall in orgasm had done that for me. He slipped it on.

"Lay on your back Ni, and lift your legs back. I got into position between his legs. They were laid over my shoulders. I slicked him and myself with more of the pink stuff, then I looked into his eyes. They were dark with desire and love, not a trace of fear.

Finally ready I edged myself into him. I’m not saying it was perfect. My cock was a lot different to my fingers and I saw the pain on his face but when I made to withdraw he shook his head. And I instinctively knew it was OK to continue.

I took it very slowly and his face lost its pained look and he began to smile. It was the most amazing feeling. Warm and tight and extremely stimulating. But even more amazing and beautiful was the feeling of togetherness. We were one. Never would we be any closer than this. I was at the edge when I must have hit Niall’s prostate because he shivered and his walls tightened around me. I came endlessly. Niall’s legs so smooth and strong were round my waist pulling me closer. His erection was trapped between us and he came again, calling my name.

I slid out of him and removed the condom then we lay in each other’s arms. Exhausted, but happy. So very happy. I pulled Niall close. His head against my chest. "Babe, I love you so much."

"I love you." I kissed his hair.

After a while, he looked at me. "And I love sex too." He winked at me.

"Me too. No going back now."

"I wouldn’t want to." He suddenly realised he was covered in pink lotion. "Yuck."

"Did the trick though. Let's go and shower."

We washed each other under the hot water, pausing to kiss every few seconds and then dried each other. I borrowed a pair of shorts and a T shirt and he pulled on his robe. I was the happiest man on earth, watching Niall make us a sandwich and I realised that’s what I wanted for my future. A little house somewhere. A stable job and Niall to come home to every night.

 

"I almost forgot your present." He handed me a little box. It was a plain silver ID bracelet, beautiful in its simplicity. I kissed him as he fastened it round my wrist. "God Ni, its lovely."

I got the box out of my pocket and watched him open it excitedly. His whole face lit up. "Oh Liam." It was a silver Celtic talisman I bought. I knew Niall loved anything Celtic. It was on a fine silver chain.

"Liam." He said again his voice full of emotion.

"It's an old design that gives the wearer ultimate protection. It will keep you safe." I fastened it round his neck, and kissed the nape of his neck. "You have to keep it on though."

"I will," he breathed. "But you protect me, Liam. Our love protects us."

A lump came into my throat. "Well, it’s a little insurance policy for when I’m not around you." I turned him round and looked deep into his eyes. "I can’t bear to think of my life without you in it. Can’t bear the thought of losing you."

He closed his eyes quickly, then opened them, kissing me. "You won’t, Liam. I’ll be here forever, with you. I promise."

I held him, trying to pretend I hadn’t seen the a solitary tear in his eyes before he’d closed them. I concentrated on me and Niall instead. Best friends, partners and now lovers – in every sense of the word!

 

 

I won’t go into the beginning of the new year. The first six months in fact. Because they were pretty uneventful and boring. Not to Niall and me, see. They were filled with love. Talking, laughing and kissing, but nothing of interest to anyone else really happened. My mum and dad still hated Niall, but they hid it well and we were careful not to give them any reason to keep us apart. No one else learnt about us. Niall’s mum and dad let me stay any time and we made love whenever possible.

It wasn’t always mind blowing orgasmic sex. We had our ‘off’ days but we learned about our bodies and more importantly about our emotions. And we loved to explore our bodies. we knew each other so well.

School was as fucking boring as ever. We both hated it - yet realised the importance of doing well. I had decided to become a teacher and Niall wanted to study performing arts. We appeared in school shows. That was the best bit about school – and avoided trouble if we could. Mr. Jones still had it in for me and Priest Drake for Niall, but we got by.

As we turned 17, I learned to drive immediately, I needed the independence. And I was good at it, passing first time. Niall’s lessons were less successful. He didn’t concentrate enough and had many rows with his dad and mum who used to take him out for practice. I used to sit in the back but after a couple of extremely close calls, decided to wait at the Horans. But other than that it was a good time. Nothing special at the time but looking back I wanted those carefree days again so much.

It was the final half term before the summer break when it all started to fall apart. I was waiting for Niall at the gates. We’d had a different last lesson and so we always waited to walk home together. But that afternoon he was late. I asked David Connelly who was in his class where he was.

"I saw him disappearing into the loo." Still not worried I went to the boys room. It was deserted apart from Niall who was scrubbing at his shirt. He didn’t hear me come in..

"What the fuck are you doing, Niall?"

"Liam!" He jumped a mile. "Shit, you scared me."

"What's up?"

"Nothing. Let's go." He wrapped his blazer around his waist. I knew he was hiding something.

"Come on, Niall. Why were you washing your shirt?"

"No reason." He was lying. I opened his blazer and gasped. The front of his shirt was covered in blood.

"What the fuck? Are you all right?"

"Yes."

"Then where did that come from..? Did someone have a go at you?" He shook his head.

"Then where..?"

"I had a nosebleed, ok?" He almost snapped my head off. "Didn’t you ever have one?"

"Yes but.. I thought that's what kids had. Did you hit your nose..?"

"No. It started to tickle and bleugh! All over ...Drake couldn’t get me to nurse quick enough." He laughed at that.

"And what did she say..?"

"Nothing. It’s common, maybe I blew my nose a bit hard. Stop fussing, Liam. It's nothing."

"Then why are you cleaning your shirt?"

"Because.. you know how mam fusses.. Come on, let's go." I looked at the blood. It must have bled a lot. He did look a bit pale. but he seemed fine and I never gave it another thought.

 

We were sat in biology. Our usual teacher was sick and Niall let out a groan when Drake walked through the door.

"Good day gentlemen. I will take the lesson today. Page 73. The questions."

Niall raised his hand. "Sir?"

"Yes Horan?"

"We haven’t studied to answer these. We’re doing reproduction." He barely hid the smile and I knew Drake had seen it.

"I know that Horan, but it can be on hold until Mr Green returns. Page 73."

Niall closed his book. "Sir. We can’t do them, it’s a waste of time."

The class fell silent. Niall and Drake’s confrontations were legendary. Drake froze. "Are you questioning my ability to teach Horan?" 

"No, sir. Just pointing out that we haven’t studied this."

"You ARE questioning me."

"Ok, I am. I’m questioning why you’re covering this lesson when you’re clearly afraid of the subject. It's only sex."

The class’s collective sharp intake of breath echoed round the room. Drake pulled himself up tall and stood over Niall. "Get up now."

"Why..? All I’ve done.."

"Is be insolent as usual. Get up!" He grabbed Niall’s upper arm and hauled him to his feet. He was holding Niall so hard his knuckles were white. He dragged Niall over to the wall. I watched in horror as the bastard made him stand about 3 feet from the wall facing it.

"Now bend over, and place your palms on the wall." To do this Niall's upper body was parallel to the floor, and his backside stuck out. I closed my eyes imagining the beating he would get, but the man just smiled. "All right then class. Page 73. And if anyone else wants to argue they’ll be joining Mr Horan."

I realised he was going to leave Niall there like that for the lesson. I felt sick. Niall’s back and legs must be killing him, the strain on the muscles that the position was causing. "Sir." I couldn’t keep quiet, but Niall shook his head.

"Yes, Payne?"

"Nothing, sir." 'You sadistic bastard' I thought. It was a long lesson, an hour. About halfway through, Niall started to shake with the effort.

"Is it hurting, Horan?"

"No, sir."

"I think you’re lying. If you agree to a public apology in front of the school, you can sit down."

"No sir."

"You’re sure it's not hurting."

"No sir."

"Good." He turned to a boy on the front row. "What subject have you next?"

"Maths, sir."

"Go and tell your maths teacher that Horan will be spending the next lesson with me, correcting his behaviour."

"Yes, sir."

I couldn’t believe the bastard was going to leave him like that, but he was. The minutes ticked slowly. As soon as the bell rang, I ran back to Drake’s room. Niall was still leaning against the wall, shaking openly. Drake had placed a chair so Niall was leaning on its back just under his ribs. It took some of the strain out of Niall’s back muscles, but was supporting his weight - so it still hurt. Drake glanced at me.

"Take him home."

Niall shrugged off my help and straightened his body. Then he lifted his head high and looked Drake in the eyes.. and walked out of the room. He collapsed into my arms outside the gates. I sat him down on the bench.

"Niall."

"The fucking bastard. Spanish inquisition have nothing on that bastard. Jesus, my back."

"Can you walk, or shall I call your mum?"

"No! I’m not telling her."

"But she can complain."

"What about? They’re not supposed to hit us and they do. Standing me against a wall wouldn’t even be considered punishment, that’s why he did it. Bastard! Just help me home."

I did. We went straight to Niall’s room under the good old pretence of homework. He lay on his bed. I gasped as he took his shirt off. There was a livid bruise from the back of the chair under his ribs, and even more violent bruising round his upper right arm where Drake’s fingers had grasped him. Niall gasped too, and went paler.

"Ni, you have to tell your mum and dad."

"NO!"

"But look.. I can see his finger marks."

"Don’t dare mention it Liam. They’re just bruises. Can you get me a cold compress?" I did as he asked. They weren’t ‘just’ bruises. I had never seen bruises like them, a deep purple shade. He winced as I lay the cold cloth across his ribs but smiled. "Don’t worry baby, I’m tough. He’ll never break me." It wasn’t Drake I was worrying about!

But bruises fade. A couple of weeks later I was changing for PE with Niall. To me he looked a little pale and sweaty. He’d been coming down with something the previous Saturday, he’d had a fever and woken me with his sweating but it had seemed to go.

"You ok Ni..?"

"Yes."

"You don’t look so hot."

"I’m a bit drained."

"Tell Mr Connor."

"And lose my place on the team? No way!"

We were just going out when Connor stopped Niall. "Horan, what's that round your neck?"

It was my talisman. Niall usually hid it under his shirt, but it had slipped out. "Nothing sir?"

"You know the rules. Give it to me. You can have it back after PE!"

"But sir.. I never take it off."

"I didn’t hear that Horan. Give it to me!" Unusually for Niall, he didn’t argue. Just unfastened the chain and gave it him. He gave me an ‘I’m sorry’ look and ran out to join the team.

We were divided, it was basketball and us less sporting-enthusiasts just played a nice easy game. Niall was on the team, so it was a training session. Although I was on another court, I gathered Niall wasn’t playing his best from the furious shouting of his name. I looked over. He was stood as if fighting for breath, bent double. Something was wrong. I had a bad feeling. Then suddenly he collapsed. Just like that. It was so sudden, no one had a chance to catch him and he hit the ground.

"NIALL!" Fear hit me, more intense than ever. I ran over to where the crowd was beginning to collect. Shoving them out of the way. "I’m here, Niall."

Mr Sykes, the other teacher, tried to hold me back. "Please. He’s my.. best friend."

"He’ll be fine, lad. We’ve sent for the medics. There’s nothing you can do."

"Let me see him, please?" He let me go. Niall was laid very still. Still obviously out of it. Mr Connor was knelt next to him, speaking gently and rubbing his hands. I couldn’t speak. It was my worst nightmare come true. "Niall." I breathed. kneeling down myself, touching him. He was ice cold despite the blanket someone had laid over him. Drenched in a cold sweat that made him clammy.. He moaned slightly.

"W-what's wrong with him, sir?"

"I don’t know, Liam. His parents are coming. He’ll be fine." The man’s gentle voice and the way he used my first name let me know he was worried. I blinked back the tears.

The paramedics were there and despite begging to be allowed to go with him, I was sent back to the changing room, not daring to risk a scene. I changed on autopilot. My plan being to sneak out and get to Midland Regional Hospital. Mr Sykes called me back.

"You OK lad?"

"Yes, sir."

"So you’re Niall’s friend. Take this for him." He handed me Niall’s talisman. I stared at it numbly. I was a little scared of it. Niall had taken it off and something bad had happened. And it was my fault. I gave him it. I was scared. Maybe if I took the talisman to the hospital and put it back on, he would be protected again.. and maybe it was too late already. I was scared, more scared than I had ever been, something was wrong with Niall!


	4. F-O-U-R

As soon as I got changed I raced to Midland Regional – fuck school! My mind wasn’t thinking straight. All I could see was Niall laid on the floor unconscious. "Please god, let him be all right. Please."

I slowed down as I entered the A&E reception. What did I say.. would they even tell me anything? To hell with it, I approached the desk.

"Excuse me. Er.. I wondered if you could help. My friend was brought in from school. He collapsed and.. and I wondered how he was?"

The receptionist smiled. "What’s your friend’s name?"

"Niall. Niall Horan." She typed into her computer.

"He’s being examined now. His parents are with him. I’m afraid you can’t go in."

"That’s ok. I’ll wait." I sat down in the waiting area, oblivious to everything around me. I prayed like never before. I guess the receptionist must have told someone about me because I became aware of a gentle hand shaking me. I looked up into the kind eyes of Mrs. Horan.

"Liam. What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about Niall. How is he?"

"He’s okay, he woke up on the way here." 

"What's wrong with him?"

"They’re not sure, they think some kind of virus or flu. Nothing serious. We’re waiting a prescription for some antibiotics, then we can take him home."

I sighed with relief. "Thank God. I was so worried." She smiled sympathetically. "Can I see him?"

"Not here! Look Liam, go back to school. No sense in getting into even more trouble. Come round this evening."

I nodded. He must be ok for her to say that. I stood up. "Thanks Mrs. Horan. And you will tell him I came won’t you?"

"Of course. I know how good friends you two are. I’m sure if it was you, he’d be the same."

I went back to school for the afternoon session - luckily in the confusion after Niall’s collapse - no one seemed to have missed me. I was relieved for that. I didn’t want to get a detention, nothing had to stop me seeing Niall that evening. Mum tried of course. "Liam, what about your homework? You spend every weekend with Niall." 

"Mum.. Niall collapsed at school today, they took him to hospital. But I.. rang his mum and he’s home tonight. Please, let me go see how he is." Damn, I nearly gave my bunking off away!

She looked a little ashamed. "Ok then, just tonight.. and don’t stay too long!"

"Thanks mum." If only I could tell her how worried I’d been, cry into her arms, and let her soothe me. But that was the penalty for a forbidden love, I had to shoulder all the worries alone.

 

"Hi Liam, we wondered how long it would be before we saw you?" Mr Horan was smiling.

"Not long! How is he?"

"Tired. He’s in bed. The hospital seem to think its some kind of virus.. so it looks like he’s got the week off school! Go on in."

"Maybe I shouldn’t disturb him.. if he’s resting."

"Nah, he perked up when we told him you were coming. Go on in." Niall’s room was darkened, the curtains shutting out the evening sunlight. Niall was laid on his side, hugging a pillow. Eyes closed. I sat down, to wait for him waking up.

After about 30 minutes he started to whimper and move. 'Not again.. please.'

"Shhh Ni. It’s a dream.. wake up babe!" I stroked his forehead – it was cool but very sweaty. His blue eyes opened, blinked then focused.

"L-Liam."

"How you doing, babe?"

"Shit!"

"That good, hey? I told you you were getting something last weekend."

"Ok, Dr. Payne." He turned on his back and tried to sit up. "Fuck. I’m so weak."

I helped him up and got him a glass of juice. He looked at me. "Mam says you bunked off to come and see me today."

"I was so worried. Jesus, when you collapsed.. do you remember it?"

He nodded. "I was screwing up big time. Connor was yelling at me.. and then.. Jesus, everything went away from me then it went black. Next thing I was in an ambulance."

"Niall.. you scared the shit out of me."

"Well, I’m ok. I was going to ask for a kiss, but I don’t want to give you this."

I leaned over and kissed his forehead. "That will have to do until you’re better." He smiled. I looked at him. He was very pale, paler than I had seen him and he had dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t look well.

I remembered the talisman. "I collected this for you. I must say it scared me shitless. It's supposed to protect you whilst you wear it, then those twats make you take it off and this happens."

He grinned. "It's their fault then! I’d better put it back on sharp-ish like. I feel like I need all the protection I can get!" I fastened it round his neck.

"There you are! Safe again." I squeezed his hand. It was hot and sweaty. I tried to make conversation, but it was obvious he didn’t have the energy.

"Niall, lay down and get some sleep."

I could see him fighting it. "But, Liam.."

"No buts. Lay down babe." He did with a groan and I pulled the duvet up to his neck. "Sleep tight, baby."

"Liam, will you stay? Just until I fall asleep?"

"Sure." I took his hand. "Go to sleep."

He was soon out for the count. I bent over and kissed his hair. "May God protect you."

I said good night to the Horans. "I’ll be off now. Niall’s asleep. Is it ok if I call tomorrow?"

"Sure. He’ll probably be much better then."

 

 

I woke early from a somewhat troubled sleep, wanting to go and see Niall in the worst possible way.. but I resisted. The Horans wouldn’t want me on their doorstep at the crack of dawn and Niall wouldn’t appreciate being wakened at this hour, especially if he was feeling better – it would be the waste of extra sleeping time. 

I also resisted the urge to call for the same reason. In fact, I got to morning break before I rang. I rang the house phone, not wanting to wake Niall if he was asleep by calling his mobile. There was no answer which was curious, I’d imagined Mrs Horan would be there taking care of Niall. Maybe she’d nipped out to the shops while he was sleeping. But I tried again at lunch time and still no answer. Fear began to creep in my body, a very bad feeling.

But I waited till home time, then belted down to Niall's house. I knocked on the door, praying, then it opened.

I was surprised to see Niall’s older brother Greg. He should have been at uni in Dublin. He looked.. drained, and I thought he’d been crying.

"Liam." He sounded uneasy

"Greg, what are you doing here? I came to see Niall. How is he?"

"Come in. Dad!" he called. "Liam’s here.. to see Niall." I didn’t understand what Mr. Horan was doing home at this time, or where Mrs Horan was.. but the bad feeling was growing worse. I followed Greg into the living room. Niall’s dad joined us. He sat beside me.

"Liam, we had a bit of bad news today.. That’s why Greg’s home to help out like.. it’s Niall." My brain scrambled a thousand thoughts and scenarios – not one of them good.

"Wh.. what's happened?"

"He’s in the hospital." I breathed a sigh of relief. OK it wasn’t good but I had been expecting the very worst.

"Is it the flu..?"

"No. Ni had a very high fever all through the night. He started to hurt a lot.. and then he had a really bad nosebleed. We couldn’t stop it, so we sent for the ambulance. We spoke to the doctor that saw him yesterday. They were going to contact us anyway. They’d found some.. abnormalities in his blood." A tear slid down Mr Horan’s face. I watched in shock. What was he telling me?

"Abnormalities?"

"Liam, did Niall ever tell you about being sick when he was a little kid?’

I shook my head. "No. What do you mean? Sick?"

Mr Horan shook his head. "Trust Niall. He always did act as if it was something to be ashamed of. When Niall was 3 he was ill, stopped being the hyperactive kid he had been. They did lots of tests. He had childhood leukaemia." I sat back stunned. "He had treatment for 2 years and did brilliantly. Remission and they told us if he was clear for 5 years. He got the all clear just before he started St. Mary's."

Only half of this was sinking in. Leukaemia. That was a form of cancer. Niall. "No. Not Niall." I didn’t realise I had spoken out loud. I felt Greg’s hand on my shoulder.

"Liam. It is curable. He beat it before and he’s even more of a tiger now. Plus they think they’ve caught it early." I looked at him and realised he was hurting too, this was his kid brother.

Mr Horan wiped his eyes. "Maura’s with him now. They’re testing him to see if it’s the same type as before. My sister’s got Marielle and Charlie, and Greg and I were going for evening visiting. You’d be very welcome to come with us, lad. Niall will appreciate you more than us, I’m sure." He forced a smile.

I nodded. I was numb. Niall had a life threatening disease. He could die. The only person I truly loved on this earth, who really understood me, who loved me unconditionally.. not because he had to. I could lose him.

In a daze I waited for Greg and Mr Horan. I hadn’t told my mum where I was, and no doubt she’d go mad.. but that was a world away. A different time zone. I sat in the back of the car as it made the short journey to Midland Regional Hospital. My world had fallen apart in a couple of hours.

I followed Greg up the stairs and into a waiting room. Mrs Horan was looking out of the window, she turned and I could see tears. Her husband pulled her close. "How is he?"

"Fighting on, you know Ki! They’re setting up a transfusion now, that’s why I’m in here. They did the bone marrow biopsy earlier."

"Have they had the results?"

"Yes it's.. it's acute myeloid.. like before."

"Shit!" None of it meant anything to me. Only that it was my Niall they were talking about. I bit my lip and prayed. Then Mrs Horan noticed me. She hugged me.

"Liam. Thanks for coming. I feel awful I didn’t let you know, but it happened so quickly."

"I wouldn’t have expected you to. Maybe I shouldn’t have come." I felt I was intruding on a family only situation.

"Of course you should, you’re like a brother to Niall. We know how much you care for each other." Oh no they didn’t. Didn’t have a clue. "And he’s going to need his friends."

"Does.. does he know what's wrong with him?"

"Yes. The doctors said he ought to. He’s almost an adult."

Just then a young nurse came in. "You can go in now, we’re sorted."

"All of us?"

She smiled. "Go on. It's not strictly allowed, but he’s wide awake. Just don’t excite him too much." I dreaded walking into that room. I wanted to run a thousand miles away. I didn’t want to see him ill. But I had to go through with it. He was in a small room of his own, off the children’s ward. It was pale green, why are hospitals always pale green? I grew to hate that colour!

Niall was laid in a narrow bed covered by a thin white sheet and pale green blanket. I focused on the details rather than think of the truth. A nurse was fussing round him, wiping his face.

"Sorry, the nurse said we could come in."

"And so you can! I’ve just finished. Niall had a bit of a nosebleed again, didn’t you?" Niall murmured something. I kept my eyes on one tile on the floor.. but I had to look eventually. Slowly, I raised my eyes.

The first thing I noticed was all the machines.. and the drips, one was obviously blood. For some reason I didn’t know; the other was a colourless fluid. Then I noticed how pale he was. Almost invisible against the white pillow. The only colour was the hospital gown thing he had on – pale green again! I took in the livid purple bruising on his arms – from numerous blood tests, I guessed. It reminded me of the time Drake had hurt him and my anger boiled in me at the thoughts – because Niall had to have been ill then.

Finally our eyes met. Niall’s gaze was full of emotions. Relief. Sadness. A little shame. And above all - love. "Hi Liam."

"Hi Ni." I tried to smile.

"How you doing, son?" Bobby hugged him. I envied him being able to do that, but I wouldn’t have dared any how. He looked too fragile.

"Knackered! And bloody sore. They stuck this great needle in my hip and it hurts."

"Now then. They have to do it, you know."

"I know, but I want to go home."

"Soon Niall." Bobby ruffled his hair. I sat there. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to say to Niall. It was made harder by all his family being there. I wanted to talk to him, hold him, tell him it would be all right.. but I couldn’t. And I sensed my lack of communication was worrying him – which I didn’t want to do either. Finally the bell rang for end of visiting. I stood up almost gladly.

"Thanks for coming, Liam. Will you come back tomorrow?" Niall’s voice was very quiet, and there was a note of desperation in it.

"Of course I will, Ni. Hope you feel better soon?" Jesus, what fucking useless words. I wanted to shout and scream. To beg for Niall to get well. All I could say was ‘hope you feel better’. I was a fucking useless boyfriend, full stop!

"We’ll drop you off, Liam."

"Are you sure?" They had to be exhausted. I fucking was!

"Of course."

I said nothing else in the car. My thoughts were whirling again. We were at my house. I got out.

"See you tomorrow Liam. And thanks."

Mum jumped on me the minute I got through the door.

"Liam Payne, where the hell have you been? Do you know what time it is?"

I didn’t – time had ceased having any meaning. I glanced at the clock, it was 8.30 pm. I was only 4 hours late.

"Sorry. I didn’t realise." I didn’t feel like explaining and I tried to go to my room but dad blocked the way.

"You didn’t realise? That’s no explanation, Liam. We have been worried sick. You should have been home hours ago. I suppose you were with that Horan boy!"

The contempt in his voice made me see red. "Yes, I was with **Niall**."

"I knew it. This is stopping now! You’re not to see him again."

"I was with Niall." I repeated calmly. "In Midland Regional. They’ve found out he has leukemia."

There was a stunned silence. They had the grace to look a little embarrassed.

"I’m sorry to hear that Liam.. only next time let us know where you are."

I looked at my mother. "Well I didn’t exactly think, I’d had a bit of a shock. And I don’t think you are sorry, not really. He could die.. but that won’t bother you, will it?"

"Liam!"

"You don’t like him. I’m not stupid.. but get this.. you can ground me all you like, but you won’t stop me spending as much time with Niall as I want.. because he might not have that much time left." I was surprised how calm I sounded.

"We wouldn’t try to stop you. We know he’s your best friend. But I’m sure he’ll be OK, they’ve achieved a lot in science." I blocked out my mother’s ‘comforting’ words. They didn’t comfort me, not even one bit.

"If you don’t mind, I’m going to bed." I walked past them and fell onto my bed. I heard my own voice ‘He might not have that much time left.’ And I burst into tears. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

I picked up the picture of me and Niall I kept by my bed. I didn’t have many pictures of him, but this was my favourite. All ‘buddy-buddy’ arms round each other. Niall smiled up at me. "It's not supposed to happen like this Ni. We’re meant to grow old together and die in each other’s arms. Not at seventeen." The tears splashed onto the glass.

I cried myself to sleep holding the bear Niall had bought me from Derry. It wasn’t him but it was a link.. and I needed that. Needed Niall so bad. How would I get through the following months?

 

 

 

I bunked off school the next day. I just couldn’t face it. It was all so pointless.. and I knew if anyone said anything to me about Niall, I’d deck them one. Plus I had to sort out the jumble in my head that were my emotions. I had spent a restless night firstly trying to make myself believe what was happening to me and Niall and then trying to deny it. Niall wasn’t going to die. I would wake up in his arms and it would be an awful dream. He’d laugh at me. Then we’d make love frantically, passionately. I woke with a start. It had been so real I could feel Niall, smell him, taste him.. but he wasn’t there.

I couldn’t go to see him that early. I didn’t know if I wanted to. To see him in that bed would only remind me it was true.. and I didn’t need reminding. I sneaked out of the house and went to Lough Ennell for the day.

I gazed at the sea crashing onto the rocks below. So wild and untamed. That was Niall. Free. This place reminded me of the good times – occasionally we’d bunk off together and come here, there was a little secluded cove where we could kiss. I blinked away the tears.. I wanted to feel his lips now.

I rang his mum.

"Oh hi, Liam. How are you doing?"

"OK."

"Bobby told me Niall had never told you about having leukemia. I’m sorry, it must have come as a terrible shock."

"Uh-huh. Er, how is he today?"

"Greg’s at the hospital now. I’m going in a bit. He had a good night. They’re quite pleased. His red blood cells are stable now."

"Is that good..?" I knew nothing about this illness. I felt ignorant.

"Yes. They were very low before the transfusion. They should be able to start therapy tomorrow." She sounded very calm, but then she’d been here before, with Niall as a helpless child. "Are you coming to see him later?"

"I think so." I didn’t know if I wanted to or not, but I couldn’t just avoid him.

"Good. It will do him good. We do fuss a bit. He needs a friend."

"I’ll see you then."

"Thanks Liam."

I leaned against the wall – I wanted to scream.. and I felt angry. I hadn’t recognised the anger before, but it was flowing through my veins now. Anger at myself for not noticing Niall was ill, anger at Niall for getting ill which was illogical – he couldn’t help it. But I was beyond logic. Anger at Niall’s parents for not noticing, taking better care of him. Anger once more at Niall for not telling me. Anger at the stupid fucking school. At my stupid parents. At the world. In retrospect it was a natural feeling but at the time it made me feel guilty. I hated the world and everyone in it. Most of all me!

I made my way back into Mullingar and to the hospital. I was shaking. Fear, anger, sheer pain. I took a deep breath. I had to calm down.

"Hi Liam." Mrs Horan was cheerful, I don’t know how she did it. Her son was seriously ill, and she was smiling at me.

"Hi."

"Go right on in. He’s not too bad. A bit grumpy because of all the blood tests – he hates needles, but he needs some company."

I went in, heart pounding. The room looked the same. Only difference being Niall was only attached to one drip of clear stuff, the blood was gone. He looked slightly less pale and was wearing pajamas or at least the top, instead of that gown. Pale blue pajamas. He was reading a book but put it down when I walked in. He smiled. A typical Niall smile.

"Hi Liam. Am I glad to see you? I’m bored fucking stiff."

He sounded more like his normal self and I guess that’s why I acted as I did. If he had been the fragile stranger of the previous day, I wouldn’t have said a word. I looked at him.

"How are you feeling?" It didn’t sound like my voice. Niall must have noticed that because he took on a slightly puzzled expression.

"Better thanks. Is something wrong?"

"Is something wrong..?" I let out a hollow laugh. "Is something wrong? Jesus, Niall. That’s a good one. You’ve got leukemia and you ask if there’s something wrong."

His face fell. "I guess they told you?"

"They had to tell me something.. and your father told me something else. He told me.. he told me.. you’d had it before as a child. That’s something you never told me."

"I.. I.. Liam."

"We had no secrets, Niall." I kept my voice low. No point in ‘outing’ us to the whole hospital! "We shared everything. First kisses. First sex. I told you about everything. Falling off that horse. Having my appendix out. Being born with just one working kidney. Everything."

"Liam. What point was there telling you? What did I say? ‘By the way Liam, I almost died when I was 4.' What good would that have done?"

"I would have been a little more.. prepared. It came as a fucking shock."

"How do you think I feel..? Liam, I was cured. Not just remission but cured.. for over 6 years. It wasn’t supposed to happen, Liam. I was supposed to have a normal happy life and live happily ever after with the person I loved. You!" His voice was shaking now.

"Niall. You kept a secret from me. Lied."

"I didn’t lie – you never fucking asked me."

"Split hairs then, Niall." I couldn’t believe I was actually laying in to him like this. All the anger was focused into the only thing I could legitimately have a go at him about.. not telling me. It wasn’t fair, but I wasn’t feeling fair.

"I never told you because I didn’t want to think about it, Liam! I didn’t want to think about the 2 years I spent having needles stuck in me and tubes up me. All the times I was sick, threw up over mam and dad. Got rushed into hospital. I bet you had a normal childhood. Happy memories and all that. I didn’t, Liam. Up till I was 11 I was either in fucking agony or living with a death sentence. I don’t want to have to remember that.. and telling you would have made it hurt again. Surely you can understand it."

I looked at him. There were tears in his eyes again.. and I had no doubt he was thinking about the past and how it would become present again.

"Niall. You could tell me anything."

"I didn’t want you to worry.. the way that mam and dad worry every time I get sick. I didn’t want.. I didn’t want you staying with me out of pity."

"I’d never do that, Niall. You don’t know me that well after all."

"I love you. And I didn’t want to hurt you."

"Well, you did hurt me. By lying and then letting me find out like this."

"I’m sorry." He started to cry properly and suddenly guilt flooded over me. He was seriously ill, and I was making him cry. What kind of fucking bastard was I?

"I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t think it would ever matter.. and.. Jesus. Liam. I’m so fucking scared.. it's.. it's.. I know what it's going to be like. Months of being ill, and I don’t.. I don’t know if I can do it again." I looked at him. Wanting to hold him. Tell him it would be ok, but I couldn’t. Couldn’t make a promise I didn’t know if I could keep. And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go through it with him. To watch him in pain. A pain that might not lead to recovery. Suddenly, I couldn’t bear to be in the room. I backed away.

"I’m sorry, Niall. I can’t handle this. Not yet. I’m sorry I upset you."

"Liam.. please."

"Niall. I need to think, ok? I have to go." With his sobs ringing in my ears I ran from the room, wanting to die myself and end this pain. And what made it worse was I had noticed the book he was reading as I’d gone in – it was the poetry book I’d bought him that Christmas.. I was blinded by the tears and ran slap bang into someone.

"I.. I’m.. s..s..sorry"

"Liam!" Oh fuck, it was Niall’s mum. "Whatever’s the matter..?"

I could have pushed her away and run on. But where to? Who did I have who cared? But I felt awful. I’d hurt her son.

"I’m.. sorry. I.. I.. hurt Ni.. I got mad and I know it's not hisfaultbutI.. ..amsomadathimfornottellingme..and.. he’s cryinganditsmyfault. I’msorry!" All my words jumbled together and I waited for her anger. It never came. Instead, she pulled me close.

"It's ok, love. I know you wouldn’t hurt Niall on purpose and I can understand your anger. He should have told you." She was rubbing my back in soft circular motions, and I felt myself calming down. She led me in to the waiting room. "Listen, Liam. I’m going to check on Niall, ok? But I want you to wait here for me. Because when his dad comes, we need to go an have a talk all right? Because it's hard on you as well as us. And we’re all on the same side. Will you wait for me?"

I nodded. Her touch had soothed me. Mum hadn’t held me like that for years. Niall was lucky having a mum like her. "Tell Ni.. I’m sorry."

"Sure I will, and you’ll be able to tell him yourself soon." I shook my head – I doubted I could ever face him again.

She disappeared and I sat down. I felt guilt and shame and self hatred. How could I have lost it like that with Niall? I loved him. Had I thrown our love away? He needed me now more than anything, and I had walked away. I knew why. I felt guilty that I was fit and healthy and he wasn’t.. and he was twice the person I’d ever be. I blew my nose and prayed for a second chance.

It wasn’t long before Mrs Horan was back. She smiled at me. "He’s asleep."

"Is he ok?"

"No lasting damage. He’s exhausted himself, that’s all. He gets tired very easily. I just held him a bit and he was asleep. His dad’s in there now, so let's go home and get a coffee."

She drove the short distance to her house without speaking and I didn’t feel like making casual conversation either. The house was empty – I was glad of that. Mrs Horan made coffee and then we sat down by the kitchen counter. It felt strange.

"God, it's nice to get a decent coffee, the hospital stuff’s crap. No wonder Niall’s complaining about the food."

"Is he?" My voice was different.

"Yes. Big time. He’s not the easiest person to get along with," she smiled. "But god, he’s a tiger." She looked into my eyes. "Liam. Just because he’s got leukaemia doesn’t mean he’s going to die, you know."

I bit my lip. not knowing what to say.

"Niall’s a fighter. He beat this once, he can beat it again. The doctors say its at an early stage and he has a very good chance. I know it must have come as a shock to you. I’m really sorry about that."

"I shouted at him." I said hollowly "He’s sick.. and I shouted at him."

"You didn’t hurt him, Liam. You were upset and angry and hurting, and Niall was the reason for this – at least in part. Even if he can’t help it. And I bet Niall gave it back too."

"At first. Then he cried."

"You probably hit a nerve then. Liam, I love my son to bits.. but he has his faults. When he was sick before I never shouted and he got away with murder. Then I realised I wasn’t doing him any favours. I could only make so many allowances if I didn’t want to spoil the person he could grow up to become. So I shouted occasionally, let him know I was hurting and he was the cause. And I think he grew up into a pretty good person." She smiled. I nodded.

"But I feel so bad about it."

"Ok, granted it wasn’t the best time but you can’t help your emotions. It's part of what makes you, you! And what makes Niall like you so much."

I said nothing. I felt her looking at me. "Liam. I’m going to ask you something here.. and I don’t want you to get upset or embarrassed or anything. You and Niall. There’s more to it than just friendship, isn’t there?"

I froze. "What.. what do you mean?"

"Liam, I’m not angry. But I’m not stupid either. I know or have a pretty good idea that you two are in a relationship. And I think that’s why you’re taking this so badly. You love Niall, don’t you?"

I nodded. "How did you know?"

"I know Niall. I see the way he is around you. The way he speaks about you. The way he looks at you.. and I knew it was more than friendship. I’m right, then?"

"Yes. I love Niall and he loves.. loved me! But I was a stupid twat, and lost him."

"No you haven’t. You were hurting and sometimes we hurt other people when we hurt ourselves and its usually the people we love most. He’ll understand that."

I looked at her. She was so calm about it. "Why .. why aren’t you mad at me?"

"Why should I be..? You love Niall, that’s obvious and Niall loves you which is also obvious. I couldn’t want any more for any of my children than for them to be loved as much as you love him."

"But.. but it's wrong!"

"Do you believe that? In your heart Liam? Is what you and Niall have wrong?"

I shook my head. "I don’t think so. But the church says it is and school.. and most people would."

"Your parents included..?"

I nodded. "I could never tell them."

"Liam. Don’t think I’m so liberal and that anything goes – it doesn’t. Nothing against you, but I can’t deny that I would have rather Niall fallen in love with a girl. Someone he doesn’t have to hide. But.. when Niall was ill as a child, we thought we’d lose him. I never thought he’d live to have a love so special as what you two obviously have. I made a vow that I would do anything to see him happy. Doing what he wanted. Whatever career he wanted. Loving who he wanted. And you are what he wants and I’m happy...so very happy that he has someone."

I was crying now, Mrs. Horan held me. "I do love him.. but I don’t know if I can do this. Watch him in pain."

"Yes you can. Love will overcome all fear. Trust me Liam. I thought the same when he was first diagnosed all those years ago. We made it through then and we’ll make it now."

"I wish I had your strength."

"Oh you have Liam. Your love gives you that."

"I don’t know."

"Do you love him? Because if you don’t, that’s fine. No one will think any less of you. You can go. He’ll get over it. But if you do and walk away because of the fear then you are hurting yourself. Look at how much you have already risked and suffered for this relationship."

"I love him. I wouldn’t hurt like this if I didn’t."

"Then it will be fine. Now come on. I’ll run you home."

"Can I go back to see Niall?"

She smiled. "You want to?"

"No. Not really, but I have to. I need to say sorry."

"Wash your face then. We’ll make the last 10 minutes of visiting."

I sat next to her in the car. "How long have you known.. about Niall and me?"

"Oh since about the 4th or 5th time you walked in my house."

"That was before we knew." I looked at her – she was telling the truth, I didn’t doubt it!

"A mother’s instinct. He comes to life around you, Liam."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Bobby does. He’s long suspected Niall might be gay."

"And he’s OK with it?" I was getting more and more surprises.

"Liam, when you almost lose a child it puts a lot of things in perspective."

We were almost at the hospital. "Any more questions?"

I bit my lip – there was one, I didn’t really want to know the answer, but I had to ask.

"Do you think.. do you believe Niall can get better, or do you think he’ll.. die?"

"I don’t know Liam. I believe in the power of prayer, and of love. And I think Niall can live. We just have to make him believe it." I nodded.

I was shaking as I walked into the hospital. Niall was laid in the bed. I could see he’d been crying. Bobby was sat by his bed. I swallowed – Niall looked so small and fragile, and my heart tightened with love.

"Niall." He turned to the sound of my voice. I expected hostility in his eyes, him to tell me to go. No, fuck off – this was Niall, but instead he gave me a sad smile.

"Hi Liam. I’m.. sorry. I should have told you."

"No, I’m sorry. Jesus, I was a bastard. I’m really sorry." I sat on the bed. Mrs Horan nodded to me and I looked into Niall’s eyes. "I was scared and worried and a twat. But I hope you’ll forgive me. And still love me."

His eyes widened and he glanced at his parents who were smiling at him gently. "Mam. Dad. You know? But how?"

"We’ve known a long while, son. And don’t worry about it. We don’t." He laughed at Niall’s surprised expression and winked at me. "And I’m sure you can think of a better way of making up than that."

I took Niall into my arms. He felt the same. Still Niall. I just had to be careful of those IV’s. "I love you babe, and we’re in this together. Ok?" He nodded and returned the hug. Then he buried his face in my shoulder. Despite everything, a weight lifted from my mind.

Mr and Mrs Horan smiled. "Ok, we’re leaving you for 5 minutes then you’ll have to go Liam. So kiss and make up. We’ll keep the nurses away."

"Thanks." The door closed. Niall looked at me. "How did they..?"

"A long story, babe. I’ll tell you tomorrow. I have better things to do in this 5 minutes." I pressed my lips to Niall’s, slid my tongue into his mouth. It felt safe. Like home. As he returned the kiss with considerable energy, I smiled to myself. It might be a hard fight, but we had the strongest weapon of all – love!

 

 

 

"Jesus Liam, why aren’t you at school?"

I knew Mrs Horan wasn’t angry with me. Her tone and words didn’t match, and I suppose it was a valid question. I should have been at school. But my world had turned upside down and in on itself in less than 48 hours. I wanted to be with Niall!

"I thought .. if it's ok with you and Mr Horan.. that I’d come to the hospital today."

She looked at me and invited me in. It was 9 am and the house was relatively quiet. The kids, as I always thought of Niall’s younger foster siblings were staying with Mr. Horan's sister and Greg had had to return to Dublin – he had an exam he couldn’t miss. That left just Mr and Mrs Horan at home. 

"Liam, getting yourself into trouble isn’t going to help Niall is it?"

"No.. but.. just today. I want to know what’s going to happen to him." It was an important day, Niall’s treatment was being planned and I wanted to be there for him.. and learn a little more about the unseen enemy WE were fighting.

I had laid awake the previous night thinking. Yes Ni and I were together again though it would be a long time before I could look at my reflection without feeling disgust at how I’d been with him. I had taken my anger out on him - the person who was truly the victim in all of this. Thank the Lord for Niall’s mum – if she hadn’t have stopped me I would have continued running and maybe never been able to face him again.

I still had the anger though – not towards Niall but I felt angry deep inside. People don’t die at 17 – it’s the fucking 21st century! I guess part of me believed we’d get to the hospital and it would all have been some terrible mistake. Or it was a nightmare, but until I woke up I had to learn to face it, live with it – Niall had leukemia, Niall could die.. and he would certainly have to suffer to stand any chance of living. It wasn’t pleasant but what was the alternative? Leave Niall to face it alone.? No chance. OK he wouldn’t be alone, he had that wonderful family who would support him and be strong for him. But I had his love, his heart and probably his inner strength – I couldn’t leave him.

So I focused on the ways I could help him. OK he had my love, that went without saying but it wouldn’t be a lot of good when he was feeling worse than shit in the hospital. I had to be with him as much as possible. and I knew jack shit about this killer he was fighting. I’d never had to. Like I said in my perfect little world people didn’t die. OK ancient relatives maybe, who had reached the natural end of a long and happy life. I didn’t see them ill, certainly didn’t see them die. The first we knew was a phone call, I would dress in black, wear a tie and go and look suitably grieving at a funeral. That was my only experience of real sickness and death. I was about to get a rude awakening.

So I had to find out about leukaemia. I could have asked Mr and Mrs Horan, they’d been here before. but I didn’t want to cause any more pain than they were already suffering. I didn’t want to ask Niall for obvious reasons. So I guess I was due a few library and Internet sessions. But I knew that what they were going to decide today would be helpful to know. That’s when I made up my mind that I was going to skip school again and go with them – if I was allowed!

"Please?" I added. It was up to them. Niall was their son.

"Why do you want to hear about it, Liam? It won’t be pleasant." And there was a tiny almost imperceptible shake in her voice.

"Because.. how can I help Niall, be there for Niall if.. if I don’t know?"

She bit her lip. "Bobby, Liam wants to go with us today. What do you think?"

He came into the room and looked at me with kind eyes. Once more I thought of how my parents would have been if it had been the other way round and my dad had just found out Niall and I were lovers. Jesus. I didn’t even want to think of the reaction.

"I think it’s a good idea. After all Maura, they’re a couple, Liam’s going to be around Niall and see him all sorts of conditions.. if he understands them and why certain things have to be done. Well ,it will make it easier for him to cope with."

Mrs Horan nodded. "As long as he knows it isn’t going to be pretty." I shivered involuntarily. I didn’t want to think of what Niall was going to go through, kept pushing it to the back of my mind but I wanted to be there for him - there was no other way!

We had to be at the hospital for 10 AM. Mrs Horan made me some breakfast, ignoring my protests. "You’ll need your strength for today Liam. Besides our Niall’s having his!" She had rung up the hospital to see how he was. My legs were shaking as I walked into Midland's Regional, not at the thought of seeing Niall but at what the day would bring – I hoped I could handle it. I made a vow never to upset Niall again, if I had to cry I would do it in private.

"Hello! Its Mr and Mrs Horan isn’t it? I’m Dr. Andrews and I’m Niall’s specialist." I watched as the middle aged man shook hands with Niall’s parents and then looked at me.

Mr Horan spoke. "This is Niall’s best friend, Liam Payne. He’s going to be around Niall a lot so we thought it best if he came today too."

"Of course." Dr. Andrews shook my hand too, he had a firm comforting grip. "It's good that Niall’s going to have support other than his family. Let's go to my office." I sat and listened to the conversation, well Dr Andrews talking really! A lot of it I didn’t understand, it went over my head.

"Right, as I understand, Niall was treated for Childhood, Acute Myeloid Leukaemia from the age of 3 to the age of 5, followed up by maintenance therapy. He achieved complete remission for the requisite 5 years and was pronounced clear when he was almost 11?"

"Yes." Mrs Horan nodded, her husband took her hand.

"And you had no reason to suspect this reoccurrence?"

"No. Niall’s always seemed as fit as a fiddle."

"Well, he was dangerously anaemic when he was admitted. The transfusions seemed to have levelled his red blood cell count for the moment. But there are a large number of immature white cells again. His spleen is quite enlarged at the minute too. Judging from the marrow we examined yesterday - there’s no doubt that Niall has AML in its adult form."

I heard Mr Horan let out his breath, as if up till that minute he had, like me, being hanging on to the hope that Niall was just routinely sick, an infection. Dr Andrews had killed that hope very effectively.

"The good news is that we have caught this very quickly. Not only are the immature cells still at a level that hopefully we can control with the minimum distress to Niall, but he’s still physically quite strong. This will enable him to withstand the treatment much better."

He hadn’t looked strong to me! I kept picturing him, pale, fragile, vulnerable. I shook my head and made myself listen to the man in front of me.

"The plan is as follows; Start remission induction therapy today. This is to get rid of as many leukaemia cells in Niall’s blood as possible. It's intensive chemotherapy and he’ll have to remain her for its duration."

"How long will that be?" Mr Horan seemed composed but I wondered what thoughts were going round his brain.

"3 to 4 weeks! About 3 weeks for the treatment and a week to recuperate and start Consolidation therapy, which is the treatment to make sure the cells are gone and keep them that way. This is pending on the Remission Induction working and Niall actually going into remission."

"And how long will that last?"

"We’re not sure. It depends on if Niall remains in remission. I won’t lie to you, it could be months. But he can have it as an outpatient. The side effects are usually far less at that stage. Niall will be able to return to school and lead a relatively normal life. After the consolidation therapy, if all is well then we do maintenance therapy and monitor him for a set time period."

He made it seem so easy. So simple. I wanted to ask a million questions, but it wasn’t my place. But Mr Horan asked them anyway.

"OK, what if this ‘induction therapy' doesn’t work?"

"Mr Horan, over 70% of patients achieve remission in the first month. He may need several courses treatment but its unlikely he won’t go into remission."

"But if he doesn’t..?"

"We try radiotherapy, as we will at any stage in the treatment if the chemotherapy doesn’t seem to be working. What treatment did Niall have as a child?"

"Chemotherapy."

"And did he respond..?"

"Eventually." Mrs Horan sounded hollow.

"Did he have side effects..?"

"Yes. He was sick. A lot. Very exhausted. Quite a few infections. Fevers and the like. A little hair loss. Muscle cramps." I gripped the arms of the chair. Jesus, I didn’t want to hear this – at all!

"We will try and avoid drugs that we know will affect him. And he is older, better able to stand the effects now." I wanted to hit the bastard. Why should Niall be able to stand all that just because he was 17? Judging by how Mr Horan was clenching his fists, he felt the same.

"What if none of this works?" Jesus, weren’t we an optimistic bunch?

"Two options. We go for something a little more extreme – a bone marrow transplant providing we can find a suitable match. Or.. and it will be Niall’s decision, and yours of course. We revert to only providing maintenance therapy with a view to improving the quality of his remaining life."

None of us asked questions about that – we all knew he was talking about Niall dying.

"So what kind of side effects can we expect? And don’t bother with the ‘not everyone has side effects’ speech. We’ve been here before, remember?"

The doctor smiled at Mr Horan’s bluntness. "OK. Nausea and vomiting, extreme tiredness, aches and pains, muscle cramps, hair losses. And more than likely - depression. After all, he’s 17. He's at an age where he’s going out, enjoying himself, becoming independent – he’s going to lose that for a while which is bound to affect him. He will probably lose confidence in himself, his appearance, his abilities. The more you can surround him with normality, the better. Don’t do everything for him, make him make an effort – he will be capable of some effort for almost anything. Don’t let him hide behind his condition to avoid people. When he’s an outpatient he will be able to go to school more times than not, so make sure he does. Remember, this is a world he has to fit back into when he recovers. It's best if he never slips out of it. But he’ll be given a counsellor to help him and I can put you in touch with support groups – because you’ll need support as much as Niall."

I thought about what he was saying. I couldn’t imagine my beautiful, extremely confident, outgoing, lively Niall like that.. or I didn’t want to.

"OK, we can go see him now. But first of all, I have to tell you that its not uncommon for leukaemia cells to spread to the brain and spinal cord. I don’t think there’s much of a likelihood of this with Niall at this moment, but we have to check. If they have then the whole treatment and priorities take a different approach. So I’ve scheduled a lumbar puncture for today."

Mrs Horan went a bit pale. "Does Niall know?"

"Not yet! Why?"

"Well he had a very bad experience with one as a child. I don’t think they numbed him properly."

"OK we’ll take extra care to keep the discomfort to a minimum. Let's go see him."

I didn’t know what a lumbar puncture was. Jesus, I didn’t know half what they were talking about and I thought I was bright. My stomach began the familiar churning as we went onto the ward - escalating as we entered that damned pale green room. But I didn’t want to avoid Niall this time.

He was sat up in his blue pyjamas flicking from one channel to another on the TV. Niall was always easily bored. He didn’t look too ill and as we walked in he greeted us with a broad smile.

"Yay! Company! Come to take me home?"

I swallowed. Niall’s dad spoke. "Now, come on Niall. You know you can’t go home for a while."

Niall gave him a small smile. "I know, but it was worth a go!"

"Hi Niall, remember me?"

Niall looked with a vaguely contemptuous stare at Dr. Andrews. "Of course I do, Dr. Andrews. It's my blood that’s cocked up, not my mind!"

I bit back the laugh. Niall was always quick to pass judgements on people, Drake had found that out and it looked as though he’d this doctor weighed up too.

"Of course. Right then, Niall. I’ve met with your parents this morning."

"And been talking about me."

"Yes. Discussing your treatment plan."

"Shouldn’t you have been discussing that with me..?"

"Niall, quit it!" His dad looked vaguely embarrassed. "Don’t let the doctor think we dragged you up!" Niall blushed slightly. I knew Niall, and I had a good idea it was fear and nerves making him so mouthy.

Dr Andrews took over. "I’m not obliged to by law Niall, you’re still a minor, a child in the eyes of the law – it's your parents who sign all your consent forms. But I’m going to tell you everything we’ve decided today and I’m sure your parents will respect any views and opinions you may have before the forms are signed."

Niall looked at his parents and I saw the fear there.. in his wide scared blue eyes. I wanted to hold him, so much. Niall sat and listened to the doctor run through everything that he had been through with us. He sat biting his lip and I wanted so much to hold his hand. I settled for sending him positive thoughts. Finally the doctor finished. He hadn’t mentioned what would happen if the treatment didn’t work.

"Any questions Niall?"

Niall shrugged. "Not really. I don’t have any choice. I've got to go along for the ride."

"Niall, it's natural that you feel shocked and overwhelmed. I guess you’ll think of a million questions along the way. Don’t be afraid to ask."

"I won’t." He turned to his parents. "I guess.. I guess you’re going to give your permission for all of this."

"We’re going to ask you if you want us to. In our eyes you’re an adult, Niall.. and we’ll go along with your wishes."

He looked surprised and then gave a brief smile. "Thanks mam. Thanks dad. I guess we might as well. I don’t have a lot of choice do I?"

"Not really son." His dad ruffled his hair. "Not really."

"Ok, if Liam wants to stay with Niall, we’ll go and sort the paperwork then get everything in motion. Niall, you have to have a lumbar puncture this afternoon."

He went pale. "No way. No fucking way!"

"NIALL!" His mum and dad were shocked. Well, shocked that he said that in front of the doctor.

"It's OK, I hear worse." And he would, probably from Niall before the next few weeks were out. "Niall, we have to do it. We’ll make it as pain free as possible."

"Mam, dad. You know. Please, don’t sign for it."

"Niall, baby. You have to have it. Now come on." His mum stroked his hair.

"OK. OK." He knew fighting was useless.

They were gone and there were just me and Niall. He looked at me. "Sorry about that. I kind of freak around needles."

"I guessed. What's so bad about this thing?"

"They stick a big needle in between the bones of your spine into your spinal cord. It hurts like hell."

I shuddered – it didn’t sound pleasant. I sat next to the bed and reached out to touch his hand.

"You hanging on in there?"

He nodded. "Thanks for coming Liam."

"I had to. I love you."

"It's going to be a rough few months. You sure you want to stick around?"

"Where else would I go..?" I squeezed his hand gently to be rewarded by a squeeze back.

"I really am a fucking failure as a boyfriend, Liam. I cry, can’t fuck properly and then get sick." 

"Don’t you ever talk like that Niall Horan. You can’t help getting sick. And.." I lowered my voice. "You’re a brilliant fuck."

He couldn’t stop the grin. "Now Liam, don’t get me excited. Otherwise that nurse that looks like Drake who washed me this morning will think I’ve got this hard on for her."

I burst out laughing. "Jesus Niall, what are you like? Just don’t ever change.. and as for the tears.. it takes more courage to cry than to hide it." I glanced round me and risked a quick peck on the cheek. "I daren’t do any more. I don’t want that nurse to see your hard on."

He laughed too. It was a beautiful sound. Sadly didn’t last long as the doctor came back with a couple of nurses.

"Ok Niall, let's get this over with. Can you wait outside with Niall’s parents, Liam? We won’t be a minute."

I didn’t want to leave Niall, but they wouldn’t have let me stay and I didn’t want to see what they were going to do with him. I sat with his parents. I couldn’t think of any small talk. Anyway there wasn’t time. A nurse came in.

"Mr and Mrs Horan.. we’re having a problem with Niall.. we’ve given him a local anaesthetic, but he won’t keep still. Could one of you come and help hold him? He might calm down for you!"

Wordlessly, they both rushed from the room. I waited maybe 30 seconds and then followed them – I wished I hadn’t. Halfway down the corridor I could hear Niall crying. In fear. In pain. And the voices of the doctor and nurses trying to calm him. "Come on Niall. Hold still, there’s the lad. I know it’s a bit sore but its soon over."

More crying, more persuasion. "I didn’t get it because he moved. I’ll have to go back in."

I rounded the corner as if drawn by a magnet. Mrs Horan was stood outside the open door. I gathered Niall’s dad had gone in. I could hear his soothing voice. "Now then Niall lad. Hold onto me."

"Dad? It hurts. I’m sorry for all this trouble, but it hurts." He was still crying.

"I know lad but you’re tough. It's only for a second, lad." I glanced through the door. Niall was laid on his side a nurse holding his feet and his dad holding his head in his lap, stroking Niall’s forehead. The doctor was obscuring what he was doing to Niall which from the noise I was extremely thankful for. And I was also glad I couldn’t see Niall’s face.

"Now then Liam. Don’t look. He’ll be all right."

"But.. but they’re hurting him?"

"It has to be done. For his own good." I felt her pull me to her, We were about the same height and I buried my face in her shoulder.

"Oh Mrs Horan. Why? Why Niall?"

"Only the Lord knows that Liam."

I cried. The tears overflowing, right there in the hospital corridor. I cried for Niall, for his pain and his uncertain future and cried for myself. What I might lose. Niall’s mum didn’t try to stop me, she rubbed my back and told me to let it out.

"It's best out Liam. Don’t hold it back. It's nothing to be ashamed for." But it was – I had vowed to be strong for Niall. Give him the strength to get through this and I hadn’t even lasted one day.

 

 

 

Mrs Horan held me a while, until the majority of tears had stopped. "Ok now?"

"Yes. thanks." I wasn’t, I seriously doubted I’d ever be OK again but I had stopped crying and after all I wasn’t her concern. Her main concern was Niall. Dr. Andrews came out with one of the nurses. He gave me a curious look – I guess it was a bit strange, this great strapping 17 year old lad crying all over his best friend’s mother, but he ignored it.

"Niall’s fallen asleep. I didn’t quite expect that strength of reaction."

"I did warn you. He had a terrible time as a child with one.’

"Well, we did give him enough local. He shouldn’t have felt it as much as he appeared to. But he was very tense. I guess it’s the thoughts. I’ll let you know the results ASAP. Your husband’s still in with him." He disappeared down the corridor. Mrs Horan went into Niall’s room. I didn’t want to but I was drawn after her. And was glad I did.

It was a beautiful scene. As beautiful as it could be in the circumstances. Niall was still on his side, curled up. His head on his father’s lap. His face was tear stained but he looked peaceful and he was obviously asleep. Mr Horan was stroking Niall’s hair back from his forehead and murmuring soothing words. There were tears in his eyes too and I realised how hard it must have been for him to hold Niall while they did what they did to him. Then he looked up.

"It's ok Maura, he’s exhausted."

"We heard him.. was it really bad?"

Her husband just nodded. "But it's over now. We don’t dwell on it, just move forward for Niall’s sake. OK?"

We both nodded. "We’ll wait down the hall." She led me out. I was amazed at the love I felt in that room. It was easy to think I was the only who loved Niall, but it was very wrong. His father’s love was obvious. Niall might have been 17 years old, almost an adult but at that moment he was Mr Horan’s little boy.

Mrs Horan was right about the coffee. She brought us a cup from the machine and it was vile. But it was hot and sweet and I needed something to pull me back from the edge I was balancing on. To pull me away from Niall’s pain and back into the sterile waiting room. I sipped it and grimaced at the taste.

"Told you!" Mrs Horan was smiling at me again. I knew she felt the same as me.

"So what’s happening now?"

"They’re going to start the induction therapy medication this afternoon. They’ll probably let Niall sleep a while first though. They’ll try different drugs to find the ones that work best with minimum side effects." I nodded. "Why don’t you go home a bit Liam? Come back tonight?"

"But Niall needs me. I promised."

"I know.. but it's rough Liam."

"I can handle it."

"I know you can, but Niall might be a bit embarrassed over this little episode. He might need some time."

"He’s nothing to be embarrassed about. They should understand he was hurting."

"They do, but you have to remember that they do these procedures everyday. And not everyone screams the place down."

"Niall’s not a coward."

"I know that. I think there was more to this little episode than just the pain of his back. I think he’s trying to find a reason to cry about what's happening to him without having to admit that’s the reason, that he’s as scared as hell about it all."

I nodded – I knew what she meant. Niall hadn’t really cried since his diagnosis, he was all ‘put a brave face on it’ OK, he’d come close. When I’d shouted at him but never come right out with it. And he must be hurting inside.

"OK, I’ll come back later." A thought hit me. "Can I ask you something before I go?"

"Sure!"

"I know its none of my business but.. but.." I chose my words carefully. "When you went to sign those consent forms.. did.. did the doctor tell you something about Niall.. that he didn’t want me or Niall to know?"

"Is that what's worrying you? That its worse than you think and we’re hiding it from you?" I nodded.

"Oh Liam. Don’t worry about things like that. He didn’t say anything much only a bit more about side effects and Niall’s general mental well being. Look Liam," she gave a little sigh. "If you want I will make you a promise here.. that anything any doctor tells me and Bobby about Niall I will tell you – no matter what it is. But if you want me to make that promise you have to understand it covers the bad as well as the good. However bad it is - I won’t hide it. There will be some things we don’t necessarily tell Niall at first, because it wouldn’t help him to know.. but I will tell you. But only if you can handle it."

She was being serious.. and part of me wanted to say ‘No thanks. I’ll stay blissfully ignorant,' but I couldn’t. I needed to know. I was no use to Niall only knowing half the story.. being lied to.

"I want to know everything, good and bad Mrs Horan."

She gave me a sad smile. "I thought you would.. and you’re adult enough to cope with it." She held out her hand. "No secrets. Bad or good!"

I shook it. "Thanks. I appreciate this."

"I know. Liam, drop the 'Mr and Mrs Horan’ bit as well. We’re all adults here. It's Maura and Bobby."

I nodded again. I felt I had grown up in the last few days. Maybe even the last hour. I didn’t want to, I would have liked to remain a child but I had to grow up. I called in to say good bye to Mr Horan, sorry Bobby. He was still smoothing Niall’s hair. Niall was still fast asleep but he looked relaxed. There even was a small smile on his tearstained face.

"I’m going now. I’ll come back later."

"OK lad, and thanks for coming. I hope you aren’t sorry."

"Well, I can’t say its been a pleasure but I’m glad I did. I needed to know. Say good bye to Ni for me. Tell him I’ll be back.. and that I love him."

"Aye Liam.. but he knows that. Now get on with you. Go get something to eat." He looked at Niall. "He’s going to give me hell for messing up his hair, but I can’t help it." I laughed – that was Niall all over.

It wasn’t worth going back to school. I might as well save the rocket I was going to get for the next day. I went home, the bastards at St. Mary's would have informed mum I ‘was absent’ anyway. And they had.

"OK Liam Payne." Christ why did she have to use my full name when she was pissed off. I knew she was without that. Still when she started bringing my middle name into it I knew I was in deep shit – I might get away with mild to moderate shit here.

"Yes." All I wanted to do was ease my tense body into the shower and think of Niall. Niall when he was well.

"St. Mary's called. Told me you were ‘absent’."

"Oh." Was she thick? I wasn’t wearing my uniform. I obviously hadn’t been to school.

"So, where were you?"

Jesus. "With Niall!"

"Liam."

"Don’t ‘Liam’ me mum! They were doing Niall’s therapy plan today. I wanted to be there for him. He’s my.." I so much wanted to say ‘lover’ but it wasn’t worth it. Niall needed me, and I didn’t need the hassle of facing them with this – yet! "..Best friend." I finished.

"I know that, Liam.. but surely it’s a family thing."

"I asked his parents.. and before you have a go at them about me wagging it. It was one day and if it helps Niall, I don’t think they’d care. They’re watching their son get sick." I was trying to make her feel guilty.

"You’re not family though, Liam."

"He’s like a brother to me."

She sighed. She was losing the battle and she knew it. "Ok.. but Liam.. you can’t throw your education away because one of your friends is sick. You’d be leaving each other next year when you go to university anyway."

"It's hardly the same. Anyway, maybe Niall and I would go to the same uni?"

She shook her head. "I didn’t think Niall Horan was the university type." I could have lost it with her but I bit my lip.

"Mum, I’ll go to school tomorrow." Whether I stayed there all day depended on how Niall was, but I didn’t say it out loud.

"Ok, do you want some tea? And how is Niall?"

"Do you really want to know?" I was pushing it big time

"Yes. Just because he wasn’t my choice of a friend for you doesn’t mean I’m heartless."

"Ok, he’s not too good. He has to have all this chemotherapy.. and he had to have this lumbar puncture which made him cry because it hurt so much."

"Poor kid. Still thousands have the same." She was trying, but her clumsiness was making it worse. Although it sounds awful I didn’t care about the thousands I only cared about Niall, loved Niall. I just nodded and escaped to the shower.

 

 

Tea was on the table when I came back. Mum looked at my change of clothes. "You going out again?"

"It's visiting time." I thought she was going to argue and mentally steeled myself for the row. It never came. Instead she came back with her car keys. I still hadn’t got my car, the money was in my bank. I’d planned to take Niall with me to choose one.

"Here, you can borrow the car. Just be careful."

"Thanks mum." Maybe she would meet me half way?

The hospital seemed busier. I made my way down the familiar corridor. Familiar after only two days. Again I was nervous, not knowing how I’d find Niall, but he was sat up in bed talking to his dad. He looked bright enough but I was slightly alarmed to see he was attached to more machines than before. He gave me a wide smile that under any other circumstances would have caused my pants to tighten immediately.

"Hey Liam."

"Hiya Ni."

"Sorry I missed you earlier. I was a bit of a baby.." His eyes didn’t meet mine.

"I doubt that very much." I found a chair, and pulled it up to the bed. "So.. what did I miss?"

"Not much. Dad making a complete and utter balls up of my hair and they won’t let me out of bed to fix it. Look at it!" He wailed. I laughed. Bobby gave me a ‘what did I tell you’ look.

"Tell you what Ni. I’ll bring some stuff and fix it tomorrow, okay?"

"Thanks. Oh, and they started me on this remission induction therapy stuff." He indicated a drip of pink stuff going into his left arm. "That’s what all the machines are for, to monitor my reactions to it. Don’t ask me what they call the stuff in there though."

"I know what they call it but I can’t for the life of me pronounce it!" Bobby was laughing too.

"So how you feeling?"

"Great." I looked at him sternly. "Okay, so I'm not great, but I'm not feeling too bad. Not sick. Only with that crap they call food. Oh, and my back’s sore as hell."

"So’s my hand where you dug your nails in, Ni. I thought you bit them." Bobby winked at me.

"Well, mam promised me a quid for each nail I didn’t bite on my 17th. I’ve been really good."

"So I felt. Look I’m going to pick your mam up and bring her for a bit – she went to see Charlie and Marielle. Look after him, Liam."

"As always!"

So we were alone. The door was shut, so I moved closer and took Niall’s hand. The nails had grown. I kissed it gently. "I love you babe."

"Love you too, Liam. You don’t know what it meant. Having you here today. I’d have lost it big time."

"I wanted to be here Ni. I want to be here forever with you."

"Christ, I hope I’m out of here sooner than forever."

"You know what I mean."

"Yep." He squeezed my hand.

"So you really feel OK?"

"Better than I expected. I don’t really remember much about having chemo when I was a kid but I do remember throwing up. Over and over again. And all those needles." He shuddered and I ran my hand down the side of his face, he pressed against it.

"Liam. They.. that doctor.. they think I’m a fucking crybaby."

"No, they don’t."

"Oh yes they do. I saw his face. I feel a fool now but I felt it.. it hurt. He’s a twat." Niall didn’t ever mince his words. "When he was putting the drip in my vein he kept making these comments to let him know if he was hurting me. If I wanted a break. He thinks I’m a coward. I am a coward."

"No, you’re not. Fuck Niall, I’d be crying my eyes out if I was you."

He looked at me with those eyes. I could see right into his soul. "Don’t think I don’t want to Liam, because I do. I want to cry so bad and I don’t know why. I don’t exactly hurt. Just ache a bit and this drip itches. I don’t feel sick, just a bit tired. But I want to cry so bad." I shifted so I was sat on the bed next to him.

"Niall.. if you feel like crying, then cry. You might feel better!"

"I’m scared to cry because I might not be able to stop."

"Oh Niall." I put my arm round him. "You’ll stop when you run out of tears, love!"

"Oh Liam. I’m so scared. I.. I.. why me? Why me, Liam? Didn’t I suffer enough as a child..?" The tears were falling fast now. I had seen Niall cry before. At films. At books. When our first attempt at lovemaking had failed. When he thought I’d left him.. but never like this. All I could do was pull him to me and hold him. rubbing his back, stroking his hair. I didn’t even try to stop the tears – he needed to cry.

"I’m scared to die Liam.. but I’m scared of what I have to go through to live as well. And.. and I don’t know what I’m most scared of."

"I’m going to be here with you babe whatever. I promise you that. You won’t be alone."

"And then.. then there’s all this trouble I’m causing mam and dad. Upsetting the family. As if I haven’t enough already."

"It's not your fault, Ni."

"I knew, Liam.. when I kept having the nosebleeds." So he had had more than the one I saw. I’d guessed that deep down. "And then the bruises. Not just from Drake, every time I knocked myself but I.. I didn’t want to admit it."

"Don’t stress about that now."

"Liam. I’m really frightened.. of being dependent on people. Not being able to look after myself. It's bad enough in here, but.. but.. Liam. I don’t want to be a nuisance. Especially to you."

"You could never be a nuisance to me, babe." I kissed the top of his head. My shirt front was soaked in his tears but I didn’t care.

"Liam. What if I lose my hair? Will you still love me.. when I look a mess..?"

"Oh Niall." I felt like crying myself. "Of course I’ll still love you. You’ll always be beautiful to me. I love the Niall in here." I touched his heart. "More than I love the Niall everyone else sees. Anyone can love that Niall but there’s part of the Niall inside that only I see." I kissed his hair. "If you do lose this, it will grow back. They’ve told you that, right?"

He looked into my eyes and nodded. "Anyway, think of the peace I’ll get when you’re not whinging about your hair." He gave a small smile. "Niall, you will never look a mess. I promise you that. I’ll make sure of that."

He carried on hicupping into my chest for a while. It was doing him good though, I was sure of that. I thought it was funny no one interrupted us but I found out later that a lovely nurse Mary (the one who Niall said looked like Drake) had seen him crying and felt the same as me, that he needed to release it. So she’d stopped anyone coming in and kept checking up on us. Also Bobby and Maura had come back with Greg, taken one look and gone for a coffee.

Eventually Niall stopped crying and I smiled at him. "Feel better now?"

"I guess. I bet I look awful." 

"All pink and blotchy." I agreed.. "But I still fancy you. Let me wash your face."

I found a face cloth and wiped his face. Then I gently kissed him on the lips. "I love you Niall Horan. What do they say..? 'For better for worse, in sickness and in health.'.

"If that’s a proposal I’ll have to take a raincheck. I’m stuck in this dump for a month." He grinned. "And I’m underage!"

"Never stopped you doing anything else, tiger!" I kissed him again. "I’m going to let your folks in for a bit. I’ll be back in about 20 minutes." He nodded. I had to go. I needed to cry and I promised again I wouldn’t cry in front of him. But in the toilets snuffling into the loo roll, I shook my head. It wasn’t going to be easy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absence.. I don't really have any excuses - apart from the fact that RL is really frigging busy right now.. and I've been enjoying reading other people's works (niamcuddles.. need I say more??) whenever I've had some sort of free time.. :)


	5. F-I-V-E

My stomach tightened as I approached the gates of St. Mary's – never the most inviting place to begin with, but with the welcome I knew I’d receive, it looked like something out of a horror film! I was so tempted to turn away, run to Midland's Regional Hosptial where Niall was lying in a pale green room, attached to drip and machines and trying to come to terms with why this had happened to him, not once but twice in his painfully young life. I wanted to be with him so much, but I had made a promise. To Niall himself.

I had cried my tears in the sterile smelling loo’s in the hospital, washed my face and gone back to Niall as he sat talking to Greg. It was so relaxed yet so unbelievable. Niall was seriously ill and we were sat round his bed making small talk. Yet what else could we do? Dwell on the worst case scenario, scare Niall.. scare me. We had to act normal.

Niall’s family let me have 5 minutes alone with him again. I don’t know if Greg actually knew about us, you know, being a couple. I sat on the bed and wrapped my arms round him, already skilfully avoiding the drip. I kissed his lips sweetly and he hugged me close. Hardly the throes of passion but it meant as much to us as the times we’d rip each other’s clothes off and screw each other silly.

"Liam. I want you to promise me something." I tensed. In all the films I’d seen the terminally ill hero says something like that to his beloved. Along the lines of ‘Don’t dwell on my death, you will find love again’ and the beloved rejects that idea (and then falls in love with their dead lovers best friend or something). OK, I was being dramatic but I was a secret romantic and had watched loads of that kind of film. I never thought I’d be hearing those words from my own 17 year old lover though!

"Ni. Don’t talk like that. You’ll be fine."

He gave me an odd look. "Liam, ya idiot, I was going to ask you to promise me to go to school, not to keep bunking off to see me. What did you think I was going to say?"

"Nothing." I flushed pink. "Don’t you want to see me then?"

"Of course I do, you idiot. But there’s visiting times. It makes no sense for you to get into trouble and give your mam reason to stop you seeing me."

"She wouldn’t. Not when you’re ill!"

"Don’t be too sure of that, Liam. Anyway, it could be for the best. If I get any fucking side effects with this shit they’re pumping into me, I don’t particularly want you to see me puking my guts up." I opened my mouth to argue but he shut me up. "If you come for visiting then I can make myself beautiful for you. OK? You promise?"

"I promise." I meant it as well, however reluctantly.

"Try to keep out of trouble, Liam.. however much the twats ask for it."

I had to laugh at that, no one got into trouble more than Niall. At school anyway. Trouble followed him around. But he was being serious.

"I mean it, Liam. If you get loads of detentions then you wont be able to come and see me as much, and I’m going to need you." It was the first time he’d really said that. I pulled him close and kissed his hair.

"I promise, babe. I promise. Best behaviour, model student and all that crap." He laughed at that and kissed me quickly before his parents came to say good bye. So I was here, outside St. Mary's, Niall was OK - I had called both his mum and the hospital to check – no side effects yet. I had had no excuse and I would have died rather than break a promise to Niall.

Mr. Jones greeted me with an evil smirk. "Nice of you to join us, Payne. But I’d bet it's to be short lived. The principal wants to see you, and I’ve recommended suspension." I got up, I didn’t want suspending – well it would have been nice not to have to go to this hell hole but mum would go mental. And I didn’t need any hassle. All my energies were concentrated on Niall.

I sat outside the principal’s office. He was making me wait – the bastard! Although point for point he wasn’t half the twat that Jones was, and Drake was off the fucking scale! But I hated them all at that minute – there were very few people I didn’t hate. The door opened. Mr Richards looked out and gave me a stern look. "Mr Payne, at last. Come in!"

I went in. Niall was familiar with this room. I knew that but I’d never been here before. My behaviour hadn’t warranted it. Oh well, there’s a first time for everything.

"Sit down Payne." I did so carefully. "I want to discuss your less than impressive behaviour. You’ve been absent for the last two days – and we haven’t received any indication from your parents that it was authorized!"

"That’s because it wasn’t sir." I might as well own up to it – he knew.

"I’d gathered that. So you admit to playing truant?"

"Yes. No point lying!"

"OK then Payne, you don’t seem bothered about this.. and it's an important year for you." I nodded.

"So what were you doing?"

The lump stuck in my throat. "Something more important, sir!"

"More important than your studies when you are pre-leaving Cert.?"

"Yes sir. To me anyway. I was.. with Niall, sir. In hospital!" I didn’t even know if he knew about Niall. But from the uncomfortable way he shifted in his chair and went slightly red, he did.

"Niall Horan? In your year?"

"Yes, sir."

He leaned forward and looked at me. "His mother and father came to see me. To tell me of his diagnosis. It’s a terrible shame. Niall’s so bright – even if he does cause me lots of problems." I sat up more alert, I hadn’t been expecting this response. He continued.

"So, you’re Niall’s best friend?" I nodded. "Did it help him, having you at the hospital with him?"

"I don’t know, sir. I hope so."

"His mam tells me they’re hoping for remission, that he might be back in school in September?"

"Yes sir."

"She asked me if I’d provide work so he doesn’t fall too far behind. She’s hoping he will have days when he can work.. and she says he’s bored."

"You know Niall, sir?" This wasn’t right – any minute now he’d explode.

"I do, Liam. It's not going to be easy. For him or for you!"

"We’ll get through it sir!"

"I hope so. Now, I understand you feel you had a valid reason in not attending school, but you broke rules. I have to punish you for that Liam."

"I know sir."

"Niall’s going to need a mentor, someone to take him his work, explain to him, help him even. Someone who’s in his year. who’s bright. and patient. It's going to take up a lot of their own free time after school. In fact, maybe some lesson time too, especially none essential lessons like PE. It's going to take a special person. I think it will make a very good punishment for you, Liam." He smiled. "Come back straight after school and collect some books."

I smiled. "Of course sir. Thank you sir."

"Don’t thank me. Just make sure Niall keeps up. We expect both of you to reach university entrance standard next year. Now back to class." I could have sworn he winked at me. My heart was light as I went back to Mr. Jones. I was being given the principal’s blessing to spend more time with Niall. It was the nicest, in fact the only nice thing that school ever did for me and Niall, apart from get us together in the first place.

 

"Hi Ni!" I pushed open his room door. "How you doing mate?"

"Bored. Do you know how crap daytime TV is? And there isn’t satellite so I can’t watch MTV!"

I guessed Niall was still feeling OK. He gave me a big smile.

"Where’s your mum and dad?"

"Dad had to go back to work, and mam’s spending some time with the kids. There’s no point in them being here all the time. Nothing’s happening." He gave the IV a murderous look, "Apart from this needles itching like hell. There’s no use in all three of us being bored."

"So you been in bed all day?"

"Yep! Complete bed rest for the first 24 hours of any new treatment. I can go for a walk tomorrow, way hey!"

"Well, I’ve brought something to alleviate that boredom." I pulled his school books out!

"Gee, thanks Liam!" But he gave me a grin.

"Even better, I’m your personal mentor. To help you with any of this. After school every night, every weekend and Wednesday afternoons."

"They’re letting you miss PE?"

"Yep."

"Jesus, that’s the only decent lesson apart from music and drama. Sorry, Liam." Trust Niall!

"I’d rather be with you." I risked a look round the coast was clear. "I love you babe, and I miss you!"

"You miss my body!" Niall grinned.

‘How could you. I love all of you."

"Well, I fucking miss your body."

"Niall!"

"It's OK. Doubt I could do much. I’m not going to molest you, if you're worried 'bout that.." 

"I don’t think I’d put up much of a fight, babe." I kissed him gently. We broke apart as the door opened. It was Niall’s dad calling in to see him on his way home from work.

"Hiya Liam, hiya kiddo – how you doing?"

"OK. Bored. But Liam’s brought me some interesting reading." He picked up the first book and sighed, then he tossed it to his dad. "How’s your algebra, dad?"

"Non existent!"

"Oh well, that will be another F." Niall grinned.

"So how you feeling on that stuff then, Ni?

"A bit tired. But then again, I was feeling tired before so.. I can’t blame that."

"No barfing..?"

"No. Dad please. In front of my boyfriend as well! I don’t ‘barf’! I evacuate my stomach contents."

"Yes, every Friday night as your boyfriend probably knows." I smiled. A warm feeling going through my veins.. not only at the fact Niall felt like joking ,but at the casual way I was referred to as his boyfriend. And the way Bobby just accepted it. I took Niall’s hand in mine. I didn’t have to hide it anymore. We chatted awhile and then I had to go, no point in angering mum. Besides, I would be back shortly for evening visiting. I kissed Niall goodbye.

 

 

His room was full when I got back. Always the showman he was entertaining with the story of how he’d wanted to go to the loo on his own that morning, and had to pee in a bottle. I was in hysterics – Niall could be spot on with impressions and very funny! Then he grinned at me.

"Liam, did you remember the stuff to sort my hair out..?"

"Yes."

"Well.. fix it then!"

I sat at the side of the bed and with the aid of some water and gel smoothed out the natural wave. I loved to run my fingers through his hair. it was so soft and silky. And I could feel him relax at my touch. I saw Maura gesture to me and made an excuse – she wanted to talk to me alone. Heart thumping, I followed her to the coffee machine.

"You wanted to know anything that was going to happen? Well the drug that Niall’s on now isn’t having any effect."

"They can tell that soon?"

"Around 12-24 hours. The cells are increasing so they’re trying a stronger med tomorrow. They.. they warned me it's unlikely Niall will show no adverse reactions. I just wanted to warn you that he may not be so good tomorrow night."

"OK."

"So you could let him know that you might not come every night!"

"Why not?" Then I realised, she was giving me the chance to not see Niall in distress. "Maura. I’ll be here for Niall every night, unless he asks me not to himself."

"Liam, he’s going to be here a month. Then probably many more times. It's too much for you!"

"But you’ll be here..!" It was a statement, not a question!

"Of course. He’s my son."

"And he’s my love, Maura. I’m not trying to be rude.. but that means more than just the good times. The sex.. it means being there for him 24/7.. and.. and I will."

She smiled and touched my cheek. "You’re a good lad Liam, Niall chose well.’

I blushed. "So did I." Then partly to change the subject and partly because I wanted to know not to put my foot in it. "Does Niall know that they’re changing his medication tomorrow?"

"No. Dr Andrews says its best not to make him anxious. He’s quite weak and he needs his rest!"

"OK. I’ll get back to him." I turned to leave.

"Liam!" I turned back. "Thank you for what you’re doing for Niall!"

"Thank you for letting me!"

 

I prayed for Niall that night. As a child I had had a deep seated faith, but my forbidden love had made me ashamed and then my anger at Niall’s sickness had had destroyed that faith.. but I prayed for him with new strength. That he would get through tomorrow and however many more days he was sick. Because I believed in a God who cared. If he had made something as beautiful as our love in the first place he wouldn’t, just couldn’t, let it die!

 

 

 

I woke somewhat reluctantly with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t slept well either – my mind was full of images of Niall. Images I didn’t want to think about. With a sigh I showered and dressed in my hated school uniform. I made an appearance at breakfast, just to let my parents know I was going to school – I had made my promise to Niall and wouldn’t let him down.

Mum watched me pushing the cornflakes round the bowl. "Eat them, don’t play with them!"

"Sorry, mum." I wasn’t really. Jesus what did it matter about my table manners, Niall was suffering. That was what really mattered!

"How was Niall last night?" Her voice took on a forced brightness.

"He was tired."

"Have they started treatment?"

"Yes. But the drug’s not working, they’re changing it to a stronger one today. So I might be late home. I’m going to see him straight from school."

Her lips tightened and I thought she was going to argue but she nodded. "Just let me know if you’re going to be really late."

"I will, mum."

"His poor parents. I can’t imagine what they’re going through." What about Niall? I wanted to scream. Niall’s the one laid there, with an illness that could kill him, with tubes stuck in him and shit pumped through him. Niall’s the one in pain. But that’s not to say I didn’t sympathise with Maura and Bobby, because I did – big time! They were wonderful parents, they didn’t deserve this once, let alone twice. I bit my tongue.

"Still, I suppose they’ve always known it would happen. That Niall probably wouldn’t survive like normal kids." That was it!

"What do you mean ‘normal kids’? Niall is normal, he’s that normal that I’ve gone through 6 years of school without ever suspecting there had been anything wrong with him! He’s a great person, full of fun, full of life. I don’t imagine his parents have sat there thinking ‘Niall will probably be dead before the end of the year.’ He was cured!"

"Liam, you very rarely have a complete cure for things like that. He’s probably had 6 years more than they imagined."

Mum was bloody tactless. I got up and tipped the rest of the cornflakes in the waste disposal. "I don’t need to hear any more of this crap, I’m going!"

"Liam Payne, where do you think you’re going?" She was pissed off, but so was I!

"To that dump you call school, any objections?!" I picked up my bag and slammed out of the door!

 

So I wasn’t in the best of moods when I got to St. Mary's. I wanted to be with Niall, but I had bloody promised him. I settled for calling the hospital. They were a little cagey with me. All the ‘We can’t give out information on Niall’s condition if you’re not family!’

"Look, it's Liam Payne, I visit Niall every day, his parents won't mind. Ask Dr Andrews, I was in on the day they planned Niall’s treatment." There was muttering and ‘can you hold the line?’

I held my breath, praying my credit wouldn’t run out. Then to my surprise, Dr Andrews came on the line.

"Hi Liam, it's Niall’s doctor here. Sorry about that. I’ve left instructions for them to add you to the list of ‘family’ so to speak."

"Thanks. I just wanted to know how he was."

"He’s had a good night. Had some breakfast, complained about it as usual. Now he’s having a little walk to stretch his muscles."

"You’re changing his medication aren’t you? His mum told me."

"Yes, mid morning. He’s going to need a stronger drug. We always start off on a low dose though."

"How will it affect him?"

"I don’t know. We’ll know after a few hours. Call back this afternoon, OK?"

"Thanks!"

So I had to suffer.. and boy, did I make everyone else suffer too! Or as much as I could without getting a detention. But it was beginning to trickle through about Niall’s illness now. Harry Styles came up to me. He was the year under us, we’d met him at some school plays as well as the school musicals. He was a nice guy actually, his parents owned a bakery/cafe where we hung out occasionally.

"Hey Liam. Don’t take this the wrong way .. but is it true about Niall?"

I bit my lip. "Yeah, it's true. He’s got leukaemia!"

"Shit, that’s fucking awful. Mum said he was sick a lot at Scoil Mhuire, but I was always the year under him. How’s he doing? I suppose you go to see him?"

"He was OK, but they’re changing the meds. Yeah, I go a lot."

"Figures, you’re good mates aren’t you?" I nodded. Feeling sudden tears prick the back of my eyes.

"Well, give him my best will you? And if he needs any more company anytime, give me a call, I’d like to see him."

"Thanks." He patted my shoulder and I guessed he knew I was near to tears.

 

I rang Maura at lunchtime. I was lucky she’d come out of the hospital to call Bobby's sister. Her mobile was on.

"Hi Liam."

"Hi. How’s Niall?’

"OK. He had a walk, just had lunch."

"And the chemo..?"

"Liam, it has to get into his system. He was a little nervous about it, but he seems OK."

"I’ll be there straight after school. Give him.."

"Your love. I know."

I belted out of the gates the minute the last bell rang and ran all the way to the hospital. The nurse told me Maura had gone home to collect the kids. She had started doing that as Bobby usually called to see Niall from work.

"Hi Ni." I slipped into the pale green room. Niall was laid on his back. He gave me a smile, but it was much weaker than usual and I instinctively knew something was wrong.

"How are you..?"

He raised his eyebrows. "OK."

"Don’t lie to me, Niall Horan."

"I was OK, but this past half hour.. I feel a bit queasy."

"Have you told the nurses?"

He shook his head. "Nah! I don’t want to be a nuisance. If I lay still, it might pass."

I took a good look at him. He was very pale again. I could see droplets of sweat on his forehead and his hair looked damp. His skin was slightly translucent like a porcelain doll. I didn’t like this. He moaned slightly.

"Niall, I’m ringing for a nurse."

"D.. don’t.. you.. d..dare!" He clutched his lower abdomen. "Oh Jesus!"

I reached for the bell next to his bed. He reached out to try and stop me and just threw up! Without warning. Well, he might have had some, I didn’t. I managed to ring the bell but he was throwing up again.. and starting to panic.

"Ni, it's OK, calm down." I rubbed his shoulder. There were tears in his eyes and I guessed he was hurting.. and feeling embarrassed at throwing up over himself.

"Now then Niall, what's the problem..? Oh lad, you’re in a bit of a mess." It was Mary, the nice nurse. Well, they were all probably nice, but she seemed extra nice. "Now then, no need to cry. It's only sheets and pyjamas. They’ll wash!"

"I.. I’m.. s..s..sorry." Niall looked at me. "I’m sorry, Liam. You’d.. better.. go!"

Now this sounds awful, but I wanted to go – so much. My stomach was churning in sympathy at the sight and smell, but I knew Niall needed me. And Mary knew as well.

"You’re going to stay and help me, aren’t you Liam? There’s only me to sort young Niall out."

Swallowing the bile, I nodded. "What do you want me to do..?" Praying mine wouldn’t be the next mess to clean up.

"Well, we need to change Niall’s pyjamas and sheets and wash him a bit. But I don’t think he’s quite emptied his stomach yet." Niall started to protest, but she stopped him. "Niall. First thing we have to make clear is that you be honest with us whether its about you needing the loo, feeling sick, in pain or whatever. We can’t do the best for you unless we know. So do you still feel sick?"

He nodded weakly. "OK, I’ll get a bowl and if Liam can hold it for you while I change things. You OK with that, Liam?"

'No' I wanted to yell, ' _I’ll_ probably be the one to throw up into it..' but I nodded anyway.

"Good lad." She gave me a cardboard bowl with instructions to keep it near Niall. He had his eyes closed. Skillfully, she stripped the sheets and got the pajamas off Niall, although the movement made him vomit again. Then she brought a bowl of warm water and sponged him down. I realised I was talking to Niall, in low soothing tones, although I couldn't for the life of me remember what I was saying. I hoped it was nothing rude.

Niall was still throwing up and automatically I sat him up, leaning him forward, rubbing his back as he retched.

"Good lad." I didn’t realise Mary was talking to me. "You’d make a grand nurse, Liam. Great bedside manner."

Soon Niall was in clean pyjamas and sheets. I still held the bowl because I knew he hadn’t finished. He didn’t have the energy to do anything but moan slightly. Mary laid her hand on his forehead. "You’re a bit clammy, kiddo!" She gave me a cloth to wipe his face.

That was how Bobby found us when he came in. He froze in the door way, and I heard him whisper ‘Not again, lord.’ I gathered he’d been there many times before with Niall as a kid. Then he came and sat next to Niall’s bed.

Niall was flopped back against the pillow, the constant vomiting had exhausted him, his eyes were closed. Mary brought him a glass of water but the few sips he had came straight back up.

"OK Niall, I’ll get Dr. Andrews, see what he says." She turned to me and asked. "Was he feeling sick for long..?"

"About 40 minutes."

"You silly lad, Niall. You should have told us." Bobby took Niall’s hand – it was shaking with the strain.

"I’m really sorry dad. I didn’t want to be.." he stopped to retch. I closed my eyes, it sounded awful. "Be a nuisance.." He gasped.

"Oh Ni, you’re not. You can’t help it."

"I’m sorry." He was crying. "Really sorry Liam. Go away and leave me. I’m no use."

I was still rubbing his back. "Don’t you even think that Niall Horan! It’ll take more than a bit of sick to convince me of that. I love you, babe." I kissed his sweaty forehead.

Dr Andrews was remarkably unconcerned.. "Well I did warn you this might happen. Any other symptoms, Niall?"

"My stomach hurts."

"Could be the strain of vomiting." He turned to Mary. "If you fetch him a heat pad, that might help. Step up his fluids. I don’t think he’ll want any dinner tonight, so don’t push it."

"Aren’t you going to give him something?" Bobby demanded. The doctor shook his head.

"I want to run 24 hours of the drug to see the effects on the cells, I give him anything else and I might not get a true result."

"But he can’t keep water down!"

"It could pass. He’s on fluids which will compensate. If he keeps rinsing his mouth out."

The doctor left us, and me and Bobby looked at each other in amazement. Niall just closed his eyes and whimpered a bit.

That was the pattern for the rest of the night . Maura turned up with Greg and the four of us sat with Niall. Me next to him. After a while he stopped throwing up. There was nothing left to come up, but he kept retching every so often, so I knew he still felt nauseous. The heat pad seemed to soothe his stomach cramps and he drifted into a restless sleep.

We all had to be practically thrown out at the end of visiting time. I knew Maura and Bobby weren’t impressed by the way the doctor had treated Niall and I wanted to just punch the man. I kissed Niall’s forehead and saw Greg raise his eyebrows. So he hadn’t known. Oh well, it wasn’t important. I just wanted to get to bed, curl up and cry. But mum had other ideas. Of course I had been with Niall since leaving school and hadn’t thought to call her.. She ripped into me.

"Mum, not tonight, please. I don’t need this." I walked past her and her rantings, and went to bed.

Next thing I knew, dad was there in my room.

"Liam, we need to talk."

I buried my face in the pillow. "Not tonight."

"Yes tonight! We’re not going to tolerate this thoughtless and frankly rude behaviour. I know your friend is sick and we’re sorry, but it doesn’t mean you turn into an ill-mannered lout. If this continues we will have no choice and no hesitation in stopping you seeing Niall until he comes out of the hospital."

"You can’t do that. He needs me."

"We can and will, and I’ll call his parents and tell them why. You’re not using this as an excuse for a teenage rebellion. We’ve given you everything." Except understanding I wanted to scream, and unconditional love. Niall’s given me more in a year than you have in seventeen,. but the words wouldn’t come. Instead I managed to choke out, "What if he doesn’t come out..?"

My father looked at me coldly. "Then that’s a shame, but you will only have yourself to blame. It's your final chance Liam.. so think about it!" He slammed the door.

I lay crying a long time, crying for Niall and the pain I had seen him in, yet not been able to help and for the realisation that you don’t automatically love your parents. They don’t automatically deserve it. I had never hated them, but I was close to it now. I had truly grown up that day, but judging by the attitudes of Niall’s twat of a doctor and my parents, I didn’t really want to. It was easier being a kid. I didn’t like the real world that much. It was a bitch! "Please god, look after Niall, stop him hurting so much.. make him well." It was the last thought before I finally fell asleep!

 

 

I didn’t want to get up next morning and face my family. Things had changed between us. I couldn’t believe they were so heartless. But I had to. I dragged myself downstairs, I couldn’t give them any excuse to stop me seeing Niall. Mum looked at me in surprise.

"Why are you wearing your uniform?"

I ran all possibilities of smart answers through my mind and settled for, "Because I’m going to school."

"Liam, it's Saturday!" Jesus Christ, all the days had lost meaning. I had completely lost track.. and I had forgotten work the previous night.

"I don’t want any breakfast, mum!"

"Why..?"

"I’m not hungry – and I have to sort out work. I didn’t go last night."

"Liam. You can’t let Niall’s illness rule your life." I couldn’t answer that. I rang work up, they told me to get my arse down and explain. Great! Then I rang Niall’s house. Bobby answered.

"How is he?"

"His mam’s already there. He had a rough night." My heart fell. "I’m just going now."

"Can I meet you there?"

"Sure."

I actually got there before him, but I waited. I didn’t want to walk in alone. Bobby turned up with Greg. I blushed as Greg gave me a curious look, but nothing was said. Maura was in the waiting room, I could see she’d been crying and fear flooded me.

"How’s the lad?" Bobby gave her a hug.

"I don’t know, the doctor’s in with him now." 

"Let's hope the beggar does something for him." Bobby was barely holding his anger back.

Maura hugged me. "You didn’t have to come, Liam."

"I wanted to."

It turned out Niall had been sick most of the night or trying to be anyway. He’d worked himself into a state and his temperature had raised, plus he’d had several nosebleeds. He’d been asking for his mum most of the night and they’d called her about 7 AM. Part of me hurt that he hadn’t asked for me.. but it was natural that he asked for him mum. The person who’d comforted him all his life. Only she couldn’t do anything for him! None of us could. The only person who could - didn’t seem concerned.

Dr Andrews came in. calm, cheerful – god I hated that man – he was vying for second place with Mr. Jones and just below Father Drake in Payne’s all time hit list!

"How is he?" All four of us asked at the same time – he rolled his eyes.. I could see the words in his mind. ‘Fussy neurotic relatives’, but he put on that professional front, professional smile.

"I’ve given him something to stop the sickness. He’s panicking - which doesn’t help matters. I think he may need another transfusion later today."

"Can’t you change the drug?"

"No, I can’t. The immature cell count is dropping nicely on this. You- and Niall, will have to learn to accept these side effects. A little nausea’s to be expected."

I thought Bobby was going to lay him out. "My son’s been vomiting all night! He was in pain and distressed last night and you did nothing but give him a bloody hot water bottle."

"Mr Horan. You seem to be missing the point. Niall is possibly terminally ill. I am at this moment fighting to avoid it becoming certainty. I am trying to save his life. I don’t like to see him suffer, but believe me, its preferable to watching him suffer in the later stages and know there’s nothing we can do. What Niall needs is a distraction. Yes he feels ill, but don’t let him dwell on it."

"Easier said than done!" Bobby got the last word!

Niall looked terrible, but at least he wasn’t vomiting or retching. He was laid with his eyes closed and he didn’t open them when we went in which wasn’t a good sign – or maybe he’d had enough people fussing.

"Hey babe." I touched his hand. It was warm and sticky. He moaned then opened his eyes.

"L..Liam."

"That’s me!" I wanted to yell and scream and cry, but I gave him a smile. He didn’t smile back.

"F.. feel shite .. L..Liam."

"I heard!" I held his hand. "You’ll be OK, love."

"D..don’t think.. I.. I want to be." He took a deep breath. "I.. don’t.. don’t want.. you.. to.. see me.. like this.."

"Ni. It doesn’t make any difference." I bent to his ear. "I still love you." 

He just shrugged and laid there. None of us knew what to say. The silence was broken by a nurse coming in.

‘Now then Niall. It's about time you drank some water. Your mouth must be dry."

"D.. don’t.. want.. a..any!"

"Niall!"

"I.. I don’t.. wa..want to.. be.. sick again."

"Niall, you won’t be. That injection you had will stop the sickness. We’ve explained that!"

"I.. still.. still feel sick!"

"But you wont be.. Come on Niall, drink this for me."

He turned on his side. "Just.. fuck.. off and leave me!"

"NIALL!" Both Maura and Bobby were horrified and embarrassed, but the nurse just laughed.

"Oh, don’t have a go at the lad. He’s been a pretty sick boy and he must be tired. But Niall.. you have to try."

"No. I don’t want to be.. sick again." He started to cry. I stroked his hair but he flinched away.. "Liam.. fuck.. off."

I pulled away, tears in my eyes. To my surprise Greg patted my arm. "Let's go for a walk – let him cool down."

We went into the car park. "Liam, it's none of my business.. but you and Niall.. you’re gay?"

"Yes. Is that a problem?" I didn’t mean to snap, but I was at the end of my tether.

"No. Liam, relax. I’m on your side. Jesus, I couldn’t give a damn who Niall fucks .. as long as he gets better." Then he looked at me. "Sorry that came out a bit wrong."

"But I get your point."

"Liam, for what its worth.. I think it's great you’re standing by him. Most girls wouldn’t.. and it must be fucking hard for you."

"It is."

"Your parents know?"

I shook my head. "They don’t like Niall!"

"Why not?"

"They think he’s a bad influence on me!"

"Why doesn’t that surprise me?" He laughed.

"I love him, Greg."

"I gathered that. You know Liam. I never really understood why Niall got all the attention as a kid. He was always in hospital and my gran would say. "Oh, your mam’s with Niall." I fucking hated him when I was 8. Sounds terrible but I used to think if he’d die, then I could have mam and dad back. I didn’t know how close he was to dying. I didn’t realise. I never felt close to him, he was never there. Then all of a sudden when I was 10 it all stopped. The time in hospital, mam and dad were back. I was sharing my room with Niall and he was my brother. Still hated him though. He was special. But one day these kids were picking on him and he was crying. I remembered this kid I’d been talking to in the hospital playroom .. his brother was sick. He didn’t make it and I kicked the shit out of the little bastards. Got suspended, but it was fucking worth it. Niall’s my kid brother and I’ll die for him."

"I’d never hurt him."

"I know that.. but I guess I’d die for anyone who Niall loves too.. so if you need me.."

"Thanks, Greg."

"Let's go back and see the little sod then."

Niall was still crying. "Liam. Please." I turned to leave. Greg took Niall’s hand.

"Ni, bro! Stop being so fucking ungrateful. Liam’s sat here hours with you. He doesn’t care if you look a bit rough or your fucking hair’s a mess. He loves you. And to be honest.. I’ve seen you look worse after a night out." Which wasn’t true, but it shut Niall up. He looked at me.

"I’m sorry."

"I know." 

"I’m a twat!"

"True!" I pulled a funny face and he gave a ghost of a smile.

Greg grinned. "Come on mam and dad, let's leave the love birds. I need a coffee."

Maura grimaced. "Not from here. Trust me, Greg!"

I held Niall’s hand, tracing patterns on his palm. Happy to just be with him. The nurse came back.

"Tantrum over?" There was no malice in her voice.

"Sorry."

"Makes no odds. I’d probably be the same. Now Niall, I’ve brought you some ice chips. Can you just suck a few for me? You won’t be sick, I promise."

"Promise..?"

"Jesus, yes. Would I be making you have them if they were going to make you throw up? Who cleans up the sick round here..?"

"You!"

"Exactly." She gave me a paper cup half full of ice chips. "Get them into him,.will you lad?" I nodded and held the cup to Niall’s lips. His mouth was dry and I could tell how good they were from the look on his face.

"Better?"

He smiled at me. "Yeah. But I’d rather be sucking on something else."

"Niall!" But I had to laugh. He had to be feeling better. I wasn’t laughing when I left the hospital in the mid afternoon to go and explain at work. My boss went mad. Not at me not going, but for not letting him know.

"I’m sorry. I forgot." 

"Forgot. Fucking hell Liam, that doesn’t wash." I hadn’t meant to tell him.. but it spilled out. He listened and his face softened.

"How long’s he in the hospital for?"

"No one knows.. but if all goes well about 4 weeks."

"OK. You can just work Saturdays for the next 4 weeks and I’ll make your money up.. but you have to turn up."

"Thanks, I will!" – why weren’t my parents as understanding? Mum didn’t even ask how Niall was when I got in. I just avoided her when possible. I was in a no win situation.

I saw him that evening. He was feeling better. The injection had worked and the nausea had passed. He was more like his old self but we were careful not to tire him too much. But all too soon I had to go to work. It was hell, but I comforted myself with the thoughts that I was staying at Niall’s that night.

But it was strange lying in bed and him not being in the other. Not hearing his breathing or his soft snores. Not having him join me in the single bed. The room smelt of him, his unique smell. I wandered round it, trying to feel near him. Eventually I found an old T shirt of his and put it on. It was no substitute for his arms, but it was part of him. I climbed in his bed burying myself under the pillows.

And yelped as my head came into contact with a sharp corner. It was a hardback notebook. I flicked through it. Song lyrics, poetry, thoughts. Guiltily, I realised it was his diary and shut it with a snap. Feeling guilty, even though I hadn’t read any of it. I hadn’t even known he kept a diary. There was a lot I still had to learn about Niall Horan – I hoped the Lord would give us the time together so I could!

 

 

So my life settled into a pattern, which strange as it seems was almost comforting. I’d get up, try and avoid my parents, ring hospital, go to school, ring Maura, finish school, go see Niall, go home, try to avoid my parents, go back to hospital, spend the evening with NIall, then go home and try to avoid my parents once more, go to bed. Dream of Niall and again the next day. I guess somewhere in between I fitted in homework and my job but I can’t really remember when or where.

Niall had his ups and downs – more downs then ups. He was fine on the medication when he got used to it. Well not fine, he had hot flushes, periods of nausea, cramps and constipation plus a funny taste in his mouth permanently but he could live with it. But after a week Dr ‘Twat face’ Andrews decided he needed a different medication and all our problems started again.

As usual with the new stuff he was violently sick for 24 hours, which always made him depressed. But at least he didn’t tell me to get out this time. I would sit for hours holding one of those damn paper bowls as he retched over it, rubbing his back and calming him. Then wiping his mouth and making him rest. I had always been so squeamish about things like that but not with Niall. All I cared about was making him feel better – as much as I could anyway!

But this drug had other side effects too. One was diahorrea. As he put it he went from not able to go - to shitting for Ireland! And it was a constant fear that he wouldn’t make it to the loo or attract a nurse’s attention when the cramps came on. It was hard for me to understand.. I was used to Niall as a fit 16-17 year old, not a person who had to rely on people for the smallest tasks like going to the loo.. but if I had difficulty understanding, then what must it have been like for Niall..? Impossible. And even more impossible for him to handle.. but he did his best, bless him!

I spent plenty of time with Niall alone. That hour after school before Bobby called in was ‘my Niall’ time. I don’t know how many of the nurses had worked it out yet that there was something ‘different’ about mine and Niall’s ‘friendship’ but we had very few interruptions. Not that we ever did anything we shouldn’t have – jesus it was a hospital and besides Niall was very weak at this stage. But I could hold his hand, kiss him gently and perhaps at this stage, more importantly, talk! We talked about lots of things. The future, our future together, where we’d go after leaving school. What careers we’d have, the house we would buy. Never about what would happen if Niall didn’t go into remission, if he didn’t recover. That was round a distant corner.

I saw Niall at his lowest in these few weeks. But I think I learned more about him in that short period of time than I would have in a lifetime. And I learned an awful lot about me too. One thing in particular sticks in my memory.

It was a Thursday, about 2 weeks to go till we broke up for the summer. I was taking Niall’s last history assignment back to him. We had done it together but to my surprise he’d got a better grade. And I’d actually done most of it for him. That was life. He’d had a couple of good days, no ‘accidents’ and I was prepared to wind him up about being a swot.

But I went in and Niall was laid on his stomach face buried in the pillow – he was crying, that much was obvious. His slight frame was shaking and heaving. Fear swept through me. When someone is as ill as Niall was, you always look on the black side.

But Maura and Bobby weren’t there, or Niall’s twat of a doctor or any of the nurses. Uncertainly, I touched Niall’s bony shoulder. He jumped.

"Ni, honey." He didn’t answer! I put my hand on his shoulder, but he still didn’t acknowledge I was there. I hadn’t realised how much weight Niall had lost, but I could feel his bones. It made me aware of how fragile he was. How I could lose him at any minute. Gently rubbing his shoulder, I asked again.

"Niall, what's wrong babe? You’re starting to scare me."

"My.. my hair." I looked at it. It didn’t look any different to me, it needed cutting, as it was curling about his ears and his darker roots were showing through, but other than that it looked like it always did.

"What about it?"

"Oh.. Liam. I.. this morning.. I.. I.." He was barely audible over the tears, but eventually I got it out of him. It seemed that whilst he was tidying his hair that morning he had noticed a large number of blond hairs falling out. The reason I didn’t notice was that Niall had very thick hair to start with. The nurses had told him not to worry, that it was probably only slight but they hadn’t reassured Niall. He laid there worrying and worrying.

I didn’t know what to say. "Oh Niall, love." He turned over and I saw the pain in his eyes. Not physical pain but a deep emotional agony and I knew it was more than about his hair. Much more.

"I told myself it wouldn’t worry me . I wouldn’t let it bother me. Hair grows back, right? But.. but.. oh, Liam." He wailed. "How can you love me like this..?"

I wrapped both arms around him. "How can I not love you, baby? You’re beautiful and intelligent and brave and sexy."

"I’m sick, Liam. Fucking useless. You deserve better."

"No I don’t, you do." I kept my arms tight around him and kissed his hair. "But we’re stuck with each other sweetheart. So that’s that."

"Liam. I’m fed up of this! It's been nearly 2 weeks, me feeling like shit and looking like shit. I want to go home." His tears flooded out. I was heartbroken. Of course I had realised he would be upset. Jesus he could die, but it was his situation at that minute that was hurting him. He wanted to be home, in his own bed. I just held him, not knowing what to say.

"I want to go home, Liam!’ He repeated.

"I know honey, I know." I tried to soothe him – words can be pretty pointless, so I just held him close – his face was buried in my shoulder and I could feel my shirt getting damp from his tears.. but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to me was Niall and trying to stop some of his pain.

"I just want.." sniff.. "..to be laid in bed on a Saturday night.." sniff. "..And you just came in from work.." more sniffing. "..then I climb in next to you and.. you’re all warm and.. and you hold me. I hate waking up here – all alone!"

"Oh Niall, sssshhh!" I rubbed his back – I had been right, there was a lot more to this than the hair business.

"Liam, I want to be well again!"

"Baby, I want you to be well again, everyone does! And we know you’ll get there –you just have to believe it sweetheart!" Fresh crying, I was asking him the impossible at that moment. I didn’t try to stop him, it was better for him to cry than to bottle it up, however painful it was for me to watch him. So I just held him and rubbed his back – eventually the tears lessened. He pulled away and looked at me.

"I’m sorry love!"

"Jesus Niall, don’t apologise! You can’t help this!"

"Maybe not, but I can help crying and snivelling."

"Ni, you can’t keep your feelings bottled up! It won’t make you feel any better. If you want to cry, then cry!" He looked at me and gave a little smile – he was all pink and blotchy. I smiled back. "I’d better give your face a wash! I don’t want to get into trouble for upsetting you!"

"You could never upset me, Liam." Famous last words! He settled down and by the time his dad came he was almost his usual self – I say usual self because to be honest lately he had been far more subdued and depressed. But at least he wasn’t crying. I went home then came back as usual – no problems! But I was hurting inside and I think only then did I begin to realise that however much physical pain Niall was going through it was nothing compared to the emotional torment!

I got a shock when I went to see Niall the next day – I almost didn’t recognise him, he’d decided to cut his hair, not shaved or anything but short! Shorter than he’d ever had it whilst I had known him – there was hardly any of the blond left. I raised an eyebrow.

"New image?"

He gave a smile. "Well, I decided if it was going to fall out the less I had the better. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first."

I grinned. "Ni, it's your hair! If you want it cut you don’t have to ask me. If it makes you feel happier then that’s what's important."

"Thanks." He gave me a coy look. "Well, do you like it then?" I looked at him, with dark hair he looked paler than ever but the shorter style suited him, made him look kind of ethereal. And his eyes looked bluer than ever, apart from the dark circles underneath.

"Yeah I do – you look cute!"

"Well I’d been told I couldn’t keep dying it or it would definitely fall out. So I asked mam if she could get someone in to cut it. It feels funny though."

"Well, it looks good!" I ran my hand over it – it felt good too, just like velvet! I was used to running my fingers through his longish blond locks which always felt better if he didn’t have any gel or stuff in it. I loved playing with Niall’s hair – loved playing with Niall full stop - and this would take some getting used to, but it did suit him. I stroked it again. "Cute!"

"Hey! Cut it out! What do you think I am? A kitten?"

"A nurse, Zoe, she’d told us to call her, came in. She was in her late 20’s and really nice.

"Hey Niall. Really looks good, when you get out all the lasses will be chasing you!" I looked at Niall and he looked at me and we both burst out laughing – but of course Zoe had no idea why.

"Hey you two, what's so funny?" Naturally we couldn’t explain. Just kept laughing over nothing which was how we were when Niall’s mum and dad came in. Zoe was shaking her head.

"I think having his hair cut’s sent your son loopy. He keeps giggling over nothing!"

"Sounds about right for Niall and Liam. Knock it off you two, it's bloody annoying!" But Bobby wasn’t angry, he was pleased Niall felt like laughing. It was a scene I was to remember sharply a few days later when Niall, and I, hit an all time low!

 

 

He was actually nearing the end of the remission induction therapy thingy and twat face was very happy with his progress. So it was an unbelievable shock when I walked in one Thursday after school and found Bobby and Maura waiting for me in the hallway outside Niall’s room! My stomach churned and my heart dropped – something had happened.

I paused about 10 feet away from them. "What's.. what's happened..? It's Ni, isn’t it? Jesus, why didn’t you call me..? Let me see him."

"Liam. Sshh and listen! We only just got called ourselves.. and you can’t go in." Bobby gently but effectively blocked my way. "The doctor’s in with him now."

"What's wrong with him?"

"They think he’s got a chest infection. The chemotherapy lowers the body’s resistance to infections. His temperature started to climb really high and he’s having trouble breathing."

"I want to see him." My voice sounded hollow. I blinked back the tears. I was a few minutes later than usual because I’d stopped to talk to a teacher Mr McCoy and I felt guilty. I could have been with Niall, what if I never saw him alive again..? If he died now, it would be my fault.

"I know lad, so do we!" Bobby gave me a comforting hug. "Now let's go and wait."

It seemed an eternity, but was probably only a few minutes before doctor Andrews came in. He wasn’t quite his calm self. A little ruffled round the edges and that unnerved me even more. As annoying as his smug twat faced manner was, it was comforting too. But at the minute I could tell he was anxious and if he was anxious.. something was seriously wrong.

"Mr and Mrs Horan, glad you could come." He just looked at me. "As I said on the phone Niall’s quite poorly at the minute. I’ve got him on intravenous antibiotics and we’re trying to make him comfortable."

"What’s wrong with him, doctor?"

"As I said, a chest infection, made much worse by the fact his blood count is down due to the antibodies. I’m trying to stop it before it turns to pneumonia."

I bit my lip. It felt as though I’d walked into a nightmare, one I couldn’t control.

"Can we see him?" Maura asked what I daren’t.

"Yes, of course. He was asking for you earlier.. but.. well his temperature’s 104 degrees, he isn’t too coherent at the minute. He might not realise you’re there."

"That doesn’t matter, as long as we are!" I followed the adults into Niall’s room. I might not have been invited but I couldn’t give a shit. And god forgive anyone who tried to stop me – I’d have killed them!

I really didn’t want to look at Niall.. but I had to. Jesus, he looked worse than I’d seen him before – ever. No longer pale. He was flushed with the fever, almost glowing. He was tossing restlessly about the bed and I noticed a nurse trying to keep him still.

"Now then Niall. Try to relax lad. Let me put this oxygen mask on. It will help you breathe." At the nurse’s words I noticed Niall was fighting to breathe, every breath sounded harsh and painful. But he kept struggling.

"Nooooo.." He was moaning loudly. The nurse turned to Dr Andrews.

"He’s making it worse by resisting. He’s scared and fighting."

"Now come on, Niall. We’re trying to help you, you have to help yourself."

"C..can’t breathe.. with.. with that..suffocating..  Liam!" I jumped at my name. "Liam. Help me. Help me."

I felt all eyes were on me as I approached the bed, but that didn’t matter – all that mattered was helping Niall. Getting him through this. I couldn’t lose him here. I just couldn’t. I hadn’t come to terms with the idea of losing him at all yet. I pushed that thought out of my mind. I hadn’t finished telling Niall everything I wanted to tell him, how special he made my life. How he had given me everything just by giving me himself. I couldn’t let him die. I wasn’t ready to let go. Naively, I didn’t realise I never would be.

"It's OK Ni. I’m here. Just take it easy." I was watching my words, not wanting to ‘out’ myself and Ni yet, knowing Niall could easily do that in his delirium. And I wanted to be there for him. I took his hand.

The nurse handed me the oxygen mask. "Just place it over his mouth and nose Liam, nice and gently. He might not fight you. just let him take a breath or two then move it away, so he doesn’t feel suffocated. OK?" I nodded but my hand belied my emotions. it was trembling. Still holding his small sweaty hand in one of mine I used the other to hold the mask as I had been told. He tensed instantly.

"P..pl.. please no. H..help.. m..me Liam."

"Ni, it's OK. It's me. Just relax. Breathe for me. Come on, you can do this Ni." I released his hand and stroked his forehead. To my complete surprise and utter relief he relaxed slightly and took a couple of shallow painful breaths. Then the panic began to build so I moved the mask away. When he stopped fighting I replaced it.

I carried on like this for an quite some time. Niall wasn’t really aware that I was there. That his mum was there sponging his hot forehead. He was trapped in a world of fear and pain and fevered dreams but I had a feeling that on some small level somewhere in his subconscious he knew.

 

Niall didn’t seem to be improving – Dr Andrews came back with a nurse. "Can you all wait outside for a minute, we have to change his sheets and try to sponge his body down."

I wanted to argue. Jesus, I had seen, explored lovingly every single inch of his body – he wouldn’t mind me seeing it. But I couldn’t. Besides I was mega-late . I had to call mum, and quickly.

"Liam Payne, where the hell are you?" She was pissed off!

"At the hospital." I heard her sigh. "Mum, I’m sorry, but Niall’s really sick. He’s got some kind of infection and.. and.." I lost the words.

There was a silence. Either she didn’t know what to say or was stopping herself saying ‘good’.. Finally she sighed again.

"I suppose you want to stay?"

"Can I, mum?" I was staying no doubts but it looked better to ask!

"OK, but don’t forget school tomorrow.. and tell his parents I’m really sorry about this." No ‘I hope Niall gets better!’ and as for school, she could forget it – but I had got wiser. I didn’t say that – shit I would go to hell for the lies I was telling lately. If I didn’t go for fucking a lad in the first place. Not that I cared, you’re a long time dead, might as well enjoy life.

The words stung me like a slap as I thought them. Niall wasn’t enjoying his life. Jesus, how could anyone suffer so much seventeen? And he had suffered so much previously!

We still weren’t allowed back into Niall’s room so I sat opposite Maura and Bobby – he was holding her and she was wiping the tears from her eyes. I hadn’t really seen her cry and it brought it home to me. Niall could die! Here. Now. Not in a year or a few months but now, today, this minute. Suddenly the room seemed to close in on me and I couldn’t sit there any longer intruding on their sorrow and pain. Wordlessly I slipped out.

I found myself in the hospital chapel. As if drawn there I went inside. It was calm and peaceful unlike my raging emotions. I sat down next to the small altar and buried my head in my hands, then I prayed for Niall, like I had never prayed before.

"Please lord. I know I haven’t been very good. I’ve not paid attention and I’ve daydreamed in church. I’ve disobeyed my parents. I haven’t been to confession for ages (that was since I’d been sleeping with Niall - I couldn’t confess to that!) but please lord. Just get Niall through this. Let him have the strength to fight back, please. I know I’m not supposed to love him – that it’s a sin.. but you let me fall in love with him in the first place, so it can’t be all wrong. Please, let him pull through. Please."

Tears ran down my face. I never thought I’d be openly crying, but I was. And it didn’t ease the pain in my heart. "And Lord, if you.. if you have to take him then.. then please don’t let him suffer. Please.. just take him, please." I couldn’t believe I was saying this, but I had to think of Niall. What was best for him.

I have no idea how long I spent in there but the peace got to me and gradually my tears subsided although the awful pain inside remained. If Niall died, I would have that ache inside me for the rest of my life.

Suddenly I became aware of someone else in the room. I looked up and saw Greg! There were tears in his eyes too and I immediately feared the worst – yet some sixth sense told me Niall was still alive. I could feel him. Alone, scared, in pain, but alive! But I had to ask. "Greg..?"

"He’s hanging on in there, Liam. Ni’s fucking tough! As tough as they come underneath that prettyboy look. If anyone can make it, it's Niall!’

I didn’t doubt that for one moment – I had more doubt in myself, that I could hold myself together. I was dangerously near losing it. "I know."

"The doctors say mam and dad can stay the night. Just mam and dad." He gave me an apologetic look.

"Oh." I couldn’t go home to mum and dad.

"But you can come back with me. That way if.. if we’re needed, dad knows where to get us.. and I could use the company."

I gave him a grateful smile. "Can I see Niall again before we go..?"

"Yeah. That’s why I came to find you."

Maura and Bobby were in with him. I could see there had been no real change. His breathing was still laboured. I approached his bed.

"Ni. I have to go now." I tried to sound normal. "But when I come back I want you to have made some effort, you lazy lump. Be awake. OK?" Then I bent down to him. "I love you babe, so keep fighting. Don’t quit figthing, Niall." I kissed his forehead. "Bye love."

I said goodbye to Maura and Bobby very calmly. In fact, I remained calm until I walked into the Horan’s house. Then the pain and fear spilled over. I buried my face in a cushion and cried as if the world was ending – because mine was. Without Niall. I had nothing.

 

 

After what seemed an age I looked up from the cushion. Greg was sat in the chair opposite, his face in his hands. I realised it was very hard for him also. It was his kid brother fighting for his life and he was stuck with me.

"You OK?" My voice sounded funny.

"Was about to ask you the same thing. No. I don’t think I am. Oh jesus." He made a vain attempt to compose himself. "I don’t believe this is happening. Liam. I love him. OK, I’ve hated him in the past and we’ve fought and stuff but I love him.. what if he dies? What if he fucking dies at seventeen?"

I had no answers. It was my greatest fear too. I walked over to Greg and put a hand on his shoulder. '‘I’m scared too Greg. So very fucking scared." Suddenly we were hugging each other, crying into each other’s shoulders. And it felt good, good to have someone who almost knew how I felt about Kian. Finally we snuffled to a halt, separated and sat down. I eyed him nervously. hoping he hadn’t thought I was coming on to him.

But he spoke first. "Jeez Liam, I’m sorry. this must be killing you. After all, he’s your lover."

"He’s your brother."

"But it's different. I imagine you and Ni had all sorts of plans. Not that I’m meaning to pry."

"You aren’t.. and yes we did."

He smiled. "I find it all so hard to believe. You and him."

"Because we’re gay?"

"No. Because someone other than family can love him so much. It's beautiful.. but strange."

I smiled then. "It happened Greg, I never thought I was gay, never gave it any thought, really. And one day, he was there in my life.. and my life changed perspective. I love him so much. More than just sex."

"I know that." He bit his lip. "So you two are lovers then? Physically!"

"Yes. Since Christmas."

"Wow! I don’t know what to say. It isn’t going to be easy for you both, is it?"

"No, but it never was. We were going to move to university in Dublin."

"Even then, Liam. It's not such an enlightened world as we’d like to think."

"Your mum and dad are OK with it."

"I know, but they’d be OK with anything for Niall, they’ve almost lost him more than once. What about your parents..?"

"Shit no! If they found out.." I shuddered.

"Figures. And in Mullingar, they could Liam. I mean, nothing implied, but your ‘closeness’ with Niall is noticeable at the hospital."

I sighed. I had known that, but what choice did I have? "Greg, I love him, he has to know that – end of story."

"And he does, Liam. I’m sure of that. Let's hope love’s enough."

We chatted a while. Me and Greg had the makings of good friends and we had nothing in common, only a love of Niall! Finally, he rang the hospital. Niall was ‘poorly but stable’ – there was nothing we could do, so I went to bed.

But not to sleep! I laid in Niall’s bed, wearing Niall’s T-shirt, wanting to feel closer to him.. and my hands came in contact with his diary. Knowing it was wrong, I opened it. I justified myself by the thought I might never speak to Niall again. And anyway, I knew he’d forgive me. I wanted to know Niall James Horan, through his own eyes.

 

It wasn’t a ‘daily entry’ diary. in fact the book I held seemed to go back a couple of years. I guessed Niall only noted down the important things.

_\- Great day today – passed School cert. with honours. In most things anyway! Mam and dad are really pleased. I know how much they wanted me to do well. I want to make them proud of me. They’ve gone through so much because of me! And they’d never be proud if they knew how I felt.. about girls. Mam keeps warning me about safe sex. Does she think me and Holly are sleeping together? Jesus if she knew the truth. She’ll never know. I wish I had died as a child rather than bring that shame on the family. -_

_\- I was a bit worried today at school, had a nosebleed and daren’t tell mam about it. It's probably to do with getting belted in the nose by Chris Dalton the other day. Didn’t dare tell her that either. She does her best, but I don’t want reminding that I almost died. That I still could. It's not going to happen, I’m just becoming a hypochondriac. But I’m still going to make an appointment. -_

_\- Blood tests came back clear – thank god. The doc thinks I have a weakened blood vessel in my nose. Not surprising really. He told me I’m worrying over nothing. That its unlikely I’ll get sick again and that I shouldn’t worry about every little ache and pain. So I won’t! –_

_\- Well, I pissed Drake off good and proper today. Asked about sex. I am curious though, why do we go to hell for sex? If God doesn’t want us to enjoy it, he shouldn’t have made it! But one good thing came out of detention. I met Liam! He’s in the same year, but I never really noticed him before. Not that he’d ever be like me.. but he is cute. Taller than me, but then so’s everyone. He has brown hair and amazing brown eyes. And we had a laugh. I need a friend, I’m so lonely. -_

I read on, interested now. I had figured enough in Niall’s thoughts to make an appearance in his diary on our first meeting.

_\- What a fucking day! I asked Drake what was wrong with people being gay – why the fuck did I do that? I got one hell of a beating and detention forever. And I did something even more stupid. I told Liam Payne I thought I was gay. Jesus, why? But it seems to be OK. He wanted to make sure I got home all right! And he stayed for tea. He wants to be my friend and he knows I fancy boys. In fact, I don’t even know who I fancy anymore. It's so bloody complicated being a teenager. But I still want to know what's so wrong in loving someone the same sex. -_

_\- I’m seriously down. Me and Liam are friends right? The kind of friend I dreamed about when I was younger, and I had no one. But I’m falling for him. Definitely confirming my suspicions. He’s got the most amazing lips. I’d love to kiss them. Why me Lord? Why me? -_

_\- Oh Jesus. I did it! Told him I loved him. Fuck. Fuck. But lord, he says he loves me. He kissed me back. Right here in this room. He can’t mean it, but then again why not? I’m not going to be the only gay 16 year old in Mullingar, am I? And God, what a kiss. I know now I’m gay. I have to accept it. I’m gay and I love Liam, he says he loves me – end of story! -_

_\- Received and gave my first blowjob. Wow, intense. Can’t wait for the next time. I feel whole when I’m with Liam.. but I’m so confused. I mean, how do we do sex? I know its up the arse, but how? And where the fuck are we going to get condoms from? -_

_\- Beat Derry at footy. And got the condoms. I’m still red thinking about it. But we can do it. We can fucking do it. When we get the house to ourselves. -_

_\- I hate sex – it fucking hurts! And I feel useless. There I am, telling Liam I’ve always known I was gay and I couldn’t do it! It hurt so much I cried. He couldn’t even get it in, but it had to be my fault. Liam being Liam was OK about it, but I bet I’ve ruined our relationship. I just bet. -_

_\- I was right! He hasn’t come round. I rang his house and got his mother. He’s seeing some girl, some friend of the family. He didn’t even have the fucking decency to call me. I want to die. I love him so much. Why wasn’t I good in bed? Then he’d want me. I hate this world. I hate myself. Please, just let me die. -_

I was crying with guilt now as I remembered that weekend. And Niall had begged to die. Jesus! "Please, don’t let him Lord!"

His diary described how we got back together. The Christmas without me, and our beautiful boxing day.

_\- Liam and I made love today! Beautiful, sweet love. It hurt a bit at first again.. but looking in Liam’s beautiful eyes I forgot the pain – yuck how soppy does that sound? But it's true. And then it felt great! Even better, because finally we became one and I can’t describe that feeling. But thank you lord for love, and Charlie’s baby lotion!!! -_

_\- Jesus Christ, I had a nosebleed today. Just made it to the bathroom before it went everywhere. I mustn’t think the worst though. It's nothing. I can’t be sick again, life’s too perfect for that. Besides, I never take my talisman off, that and Liam will protect me. -_

_\- Oh lord, don’t let this happen. I’ve had 5 nosebleeds now and I know what they’re a sign of. Why Lord? Is it a punishment for mine and Liam’s ‘sinful’ love? Because Lord, you let me fall in love with him. Am I going to die for that? I don’t want to die lord. I want to live and be happy with Liam, we don’t hurt anyone. Please. -_

_\- Liam saw I’d had a nosebleed. He’s acting worried. I can’t tell him. Not now. Maybe it will all just go away. Because if I tell him, things will be different. He’ll treat me differently. If I have to die, I want to die without him knowing. But then again, I want to die in his arms. I want my last image of this earth to be Liam’s eyes. Oh fuck, I’m morbid tonight. It’s a few fucking nosebleeds and I turn them to terminal illness. I’m not sick and I’m not going to die!!!!! -_

_\- I hate that twat Drake, he’s a sadist. Making me stand like that all afternoon, my fucking back’s killing me. And the bruises. Liam saw them. He knows there’s something wrong. I know there’s something wrong. I used to bruise like that.. Then.. Please god. No. -_

_\- I’m so scared. I ought to tell mam. I want to tell mam, but I daren’t. I can’t go through all that again. I can’t even remember it, but I don’t want to go through it. I just want to lie in Liam’s arms and stay there. Not in hospital. All those needles. Please Lord, I want to be OK. Just let me be ok and have Liam, and I’ll be good. Please -_

 

I shut the book with a snap. It was the last entry before Niall had been taken to hospital. I was crying. Niall had known, had known that he was sick again. He must have been so scared, felt so alone. He would never be alone again. I vowed that – if he got well.

I must have fallen asleep with Niall’s diary in my arms. The sun was shining through the window when I awoke. I carefully slipped the book back in its hiding place.. and went to find Greg.

He was making coffee. "Hiya Liam, sleep OK?"

"Eventually! Any word?"

"Yeah, mam just called. He’s about the same, no worse!"

"No better either."

"Where there’s life Liam."

"I know. I know."

"So you going to the hospital or school..?" He looked at my uniform.

"Where do you think? These are all the clothes I’ve got. And if I go home.."

"Niall’s t-shirts should fit you. I can lend you a pair of jeans."

"Thanks."

 

Maura hugged me. She looked worn out. So did Bobby. Greg persuaded them to go home for a while. Me and him would stay. Then he winked at me. "I’ll be in the waiting room. Look after my kid brother."

So I sat with Niall, they had him in a oxygen tent, Nurse Mary had explained it was less frightening for Niall during his conscious periods than the mask. He looked smaller, fragile. I took his hand, told him how much I loved him.

I sat and talked to Niall all of that day. Low murmuring, stroking his hand, drawing patterns on the palm, interlacing our fingers. I talked nonsense and made earnest promises. I talked about our past together and the future yet to come. I sang to him, read him poems. Occasionally a nurse would check on him and I’d pull away before the door opened or Greg would come in, say a few words, and smile at me.

I will never remember exactly what I said, but suddenly Niall’s hand started to move in mine. I looked at him. He was blinking. Not deliriously as before, but sort of confused. Then he saw me and smiled weakly. My heart leapt.

"Hiya tiger. You with me now?"

"L.. L.. Liam." His voice was very low.

"Shhh honey, don’t speak!"

"W..where.. am I?"

"The hospital!"

"I.. thought.. thought it was an.. awful dream!"

I shook my head sadly. "I’d better tell the nurse you’re awake!" He nodded.

 

 

"Well lad, the temperature’s down to 99 degrees, I think you’re doing OK Niall. I’ll call your parents."

I stood up. "I’ll do that. Ni, try to sleep . I’m not going anywhere." He nodded. I rang Maura, she was so pleased. So was I, Niall had come through his first major crisis, but it wouldn’t be the last. I knew that. I sat with Niall later, he was breathing OK and out of the oxygen tent. We didn’t speak, just happy to look at each other.

"I thought I was going to lose you Ni."

"Want to know the truth? I thought I was going to lose me too! I thought I was dying. I was just in this black void. Alone, then I heard you. Felt your love. And I knew I’d make it.. if I concentrated on you. I love you Liam."

"I know. And I love you."

I kissed his hand. I felt as though with each day that passed I learned a little more about him. And a lot more about me. That was Niall. The wonderful effect he had on me. I realised that I hadn’t been living before Niall, just existing.. and now all I wanted was for us to be together.

"You’re a hero Liam, you saved me."

"Load of bullshit, Niall."

"No. I can feel it.. in here." He touched his heart. "It's all thanks to you, you’re my hero." I bit my lip before I kissed him. Niall needed a hero. But so did I! And he was mine. His strength and courage and bravery. To be honest, we needed each other. Not a lot to ask for. But I prayed it wasn’t too much. Then I kissed him again.


	6. S-I-X

I was happy! More than happy. I had finished school for the summer and more importantly after 5 weeks Niall was coming out of hospital. His induction therapy had finally finished and he was onto the consolidation phase. He wasn’t cured – Maura and Bobby, plus Niall himself, had taken great pains to point this out – but it was a hell of a lot more positive point than he had been at so far! He was getting a two week break from the treatment then would continue the consolidation therapy as an outpatient, at least initially, depending on how it progressed. All being well he would be back at St. Mary's with me in September.

But of course all I could think about at this minute was Niall, out of that place and in my arms where he belonged.

He had made a good recovery from the chest infection and looked much better. Of course he was still pale and thin but I had, as sad as it is, grown used to that. He was no longer having the nosebleeds or bruising as easily. And officially he was in remission! But it was far too early to hope for a cure – deep inside I wondered if he would ever be ‘cured’.

But I didn’t think this as I got up the bright sunny Wednesday morning on the first week of the holidays. Niall was going home – that was all that mattered.

I went down to breakfast. Normally I tried to avoid mum and dad, it just wasn’t worth the hassle but this morning I was in too good a mood – which was a mistake!

"Morning Liam." Mum looked at me

"Morning."

"You haven’t been joining us for breakfast?" Oh Jesus they were starting, I kept my temper - just barely.

"Well, I was hungry this morning!"

Silence. Then another hesitant question.

"So? What are you doing today? Visiting Niall?" I could sense the ‘as usual’ silently tacked onto the end. Silently and sarcastically.

"He’s coming home today! The first stage of the chemo’s finished." I couldn’t hide my jubilation.

"Oh, that’s good." Her tone was as if I’d come back from the dentist without needing a filling – not that the most beautiful special person I had ever met in my whole life was winning the first round in his battle for life.

"Yes, it is. He’s in remission."

"But he’ll still need treatment surely?"

"Yes, one morning at outpatients every two weeks."

She nodded. "But Liam.. remission doesn’t mean that he’s cured."

"I know that. He knows that." I felt deflated – as if all of the sunshine in my bright world had disappeared. "But he’s a sight better than last week when he had an infection and his temp was 104 degrees. And we didn’t think he’d make it! But I didn’t tell you that."

"No, you didn’t. But then there’s so many things you don’t tell me these days."

I froze – did she suspect? She couldn’t, she wouldn’t be so calm about it if she did.

"Why should I? You’re not interested." A typical ‘teenage response’ I know, but I was rattled.

"Yes, I am Liam! I feel sorry for Niall, heaven knows no one deserves that at his age. But you’re my main concern and I think you’re too involved. I really don’t want you getting hurt any more. And to be honest. Niall could.. probably will.. die. He’ll be very lucky to survive for long with an illness like.."

I didn’t let her finish. A red film washed in front of me. "What the .. hell do you know about Niall's illness? Have you ever known anyone with leukemia? No, all you know is from your stupid soaps and women’s magazines! I know Niall, I’ve seen him every day and I believe he can beat this – and live! All he needs is the love and support of his family and friends. And he’ll get it! So don’t tell me about ‘he’ll probably die’.. I’ve sat in that hospital everyday for 5 weeks, I’ve seen him go through hell with his treatment, puking his guts up, crying in pain. I’ve heard the statistics, I’ve seen him almost die. I know about it. You have no idea, so don’t tell me. OK?"

There was an uneasy silence. I was breathing rapidly – full of anger. Full of fear that part of her was right – that Niall would die. Trying desperately not to cry I blinked back the tears and stood up.

"Liam, wait! I.. I didn’t mean.. Liam, where are you going?"

"Out! To see Niall, if that’s OK?" It didn’t matter if it was or wasn’t – I was going.

She just nodded, I grabbed my jacket – my parents and I were growing farther and farther apar,t but I didn’t really know why. Well I did, I was gay and in love with my best friend.. and I would never be able to tell them.

 

It was a bit early to go to the Horans so I went for a long walk in Sherwood Park. It was a beautiful summer morning and gradually my positive feelings and hope returned. I remembered walking hand in hand here with Niall, our lips meeting, how he felt in my arms. And I knew with all certainty that our love was worth any price we may have to pay – whatever!

I got to the Horans as they were preparing to leave for the hospital. Maura looked happier than she had for a long while.

"Morning Liam, you OK?"

"Yes thanks, are you?"

She smiled. "Yes. My little boy’s coming home." Then she grinned. "But I don’t suppose you see him like that?"

I grinned back at her. "Not really! Have you rung the hospital?"

"Yes, he’s excited. Too excited!"

Now I laughed. I could imagine Niall, he’d been stuck in that place for five weeks and Niall wasn’t exactly a patient kind of person.

Bobby came out. "Hi Liam. Well, are we ready?"

I was more than ready. I just wanted Niall back.

Dr Andrews met us – with a smile. "Morning. Ready to take Niall home?"

"Definitely."

"Well, he definitely wants to go home, trust me on that. If I can have a quick word before we go and see him?"

We sat in his office, just as we had 5 weeks previously. He began to speak.

"Right as you know, Niall is in remission at the moment, at least to the extent we can’t find any obvious leukemia cells in his blood, but there may.. there will be.. some dormant ones. That’s what the next stage in the treatment is for. The consolidation therapy. We’re going to try Niall on fortnightly chemotherapy for starters. As we see his progress, this could reduce or increase. The drugs aren’t as intense, so the side effects won’t be as severe. He may have a little nausea for the afternoon after a morning’s therapy, but he should feel OK the next day. This should allow him to begin a normal life again! It's easy for me to say at this stage, but don’t be overprotective of him. Let him find his own level of what he can and can’t do."

"Will he be able to go back to school?"

"No reason why not. I don’t think playing contact sports is a good idea at the minute, he could still bruise easily and his joints may be sore. And he will feel very tired, very easily. A combination of the illness and the drugs. We’ll be giving him various medication to bring home, some to boost his immune system, some to combat any side effects he may have. I’ll write a letter to his school in case of any problems – if he really gets exhausted, he may be better on a part time timetable. See how he goes on." He looked at us all. "I’ll be honest with you as I have all the way through. This consolidation therapy could go on for months. He’s done remarkably well so far, and he seems to have handled it mentally well too. Now is when you could see the problems. He may think he doesn’t have to live a normal life, such as school etc. But he does. He’s capable of it and it will do him good. All I’m saying is that you treat him as if he wasn’t ill.. or at least try to. And.. and don’t think he’s in the clear yet. He’s done well, but he has to do a lot better. You know what I mean."

Maura and Bobby nodded. I knew what he was saying, Niall could still die. I knew that – even if I didn’t want to think about it. Not now.

"OK, let's go get him." Niall was sat on his bed a big smile over his face. For the first time in 5 weeks, he was dressed. Maura had taken him some jog pants and a sweatshirt the day before. He was still pale but with a small flush of excitement on his cheeks.

"Hiya." He grinned at us all and locked eyes with me. "I thought you were never coming for me. I wanted to get home for dinner."

Maura laughed. "I guessed that. Well, we’re here now."

"Niall." Dr Andrews approached him. "I just need a quick word."

Niall nodded.

"Right, you’ve won the first battle Niall. You have a war still left to fight. That means being sensible and following a few instructions. The first one goes without saying, that you have to attend your outpatients appointments every fortnight. Because these are what will really cure you, what you’ve just had only kickstarted the process and if we say you need to come more, then you come more. OK?"

"OK."

"You’ve had all the other medication explained to you. You’re almost an adult Niall – we trust you to take it as prescribed."

"I’m not stupid."

"I didn’t say you were. I know that when you’re back in a busy life again it's easy to forget."

"We’ll make sure he doesn’t." Bobby spoke up.

"That’s as may be, but without any disrespect ..Niall needs to take responsibility for his own treatment now."

"I will."

"Also if you feel ill Niall, tell someone! Don’t wait for someone to pick up on it. It will probably be nothing, but with your immune system a bit low.. you are susceptible." Niall nodded. I could see from his expression that he just wanted this lecture over and to be out of the small pale green prison.

"I’ve told your parents that all being well you should be able to go back to school in September. No sports at the minute though. We’ll know better after a couple of sessions. You have to try to live a normal life Niall, but be careful. I was 17 myself once. I know you’ll want to go out for a few drinks with your mates. I’m not saying you can’t. Just don’t overdo it. Your body will tell you Niall, listen to it!"

Niall smiled and nodded once. "Is that it? Can I go now?"

"Yes you can go, we’ll see you in 10 days. And good luck, Niall." He held out his hand.

Niall shook it. "Thanks for saving my life."

"It's OK Niall, just part of the service, you have to continue saving your life now."

"I will." He gave me a quick glance. "I’ve a lot to live for, you know!" I swallowed back the lump in my throat at his simple words and their far more complicated meaning!

Niall was rather unsteady on his feet as he walked out of Midland Regional, he hadn’t done a lot of walking over the last few weeks. But he refused all offers of help and a wheelchair. The nurses smiled, they’d got used to Niall’s independence...

Once out in the open air, he took a deep breath. "Jesus, this feels good. You know.. you know.. I thought.. well.." he looked from me to his parents and back again, almost ashamedly. "There were times when I thought I’d never be in the fresh air again. Feel the sun. I guess.. I guess I thought.. I was going to die." He lowered his eyes. "I was a bit stupid, I reckon."

I said nothing, just hugged him. Properly, feeling his thin body press against mine, his face bury against my neck. And I saw the tears in Maura and Bobby’s eyes as they exchanged helpless looks at Niall’s admission he thought he would die. It was the first time he had ever openly admitted it.

They let us hug a few more seconds, then Bobby gently touched Niall’s shoulder. "Come on son, let's go home!"

 

 

 

"Are you sure it's OK to stay over?" It was Friday, 2 days later, and I was supposed to be going back to work. But now it felt different. To stay with  Niall now his parents knew we were.. lovers. Not that making love was on my mind. Niall was still fragile. But I even felt strange to stay in his room, him in the other bed.

"Of course it is! Isn’t it mam?" Niall was sprawled on the sofa laughing at me. "I wanted you to stay over Wednesday night. And Thursday."

"I figured you needed some time with your family, without me." That was actually an excuse. I hadn’t wanted to make things worse with mum and explaining that I wanted to spend the night at Niall’s because he was out of hospital, wouldn’t have helped. But I couldn’t tell Niall that, he didn’t know how bad things had got with me and my parents and I had thought he didn’t need to know – not yet!

"Well I’ve had that. Not that I’m much use to them. Every time I go to play with Charlie, I get told off for doing to much. Don’t I mam?"

"Niall, he’s a handful and you’re supposed to be resting!"

"Marielle seems a bit wary round me and Greg’s had to go back to Dublin. I need stimulating company."

"Oh yeah? After hours making bloody pizza. Fat chance."

Maura came in. "Liam, ignore his whining. You’re more than welcome to stay. You know that."

"Thanks." But I still felt uncomfortable.

 

That feeling was still with me as I quietly unlocked the door and crept inside at just past midnight. I could see Niall’s shape huddled under the duvet and was as quiet as possible so as not to wake him. I lay in my bed and watched him. Feeling all warm and loving.

Niall was doing well, eating OK and all that. He sat out in the garden enjoying the summer weather, and already he was less pale. We hadn’t had much time alone, managed the odd cuddle and kiss, but not much else. Charlie seemed reluctant to let Niall out of his sight, as if frightened his big brother would disappear again. Marielle on the other hand, seemed to be avoiding Niall. He didn’t mention it much, but I knew it upset him. He was also reluctant to go into Mullingar, among people. OK, he didn’t feel like partying, but his parents had tried to get him to go shopping – with some new clothes as a bribe. Niall loved clothes, but he had turned it down and I guess he was frightened of meeting people. My heart tightened as I watched him, I loved him so much.

"I’m not asleep, you know!" I jumped at his words.

"Swine, making me jump like that!" He chuckled.

"Good night at work?"

"Not really. Shoveling pepperoni onto pizzas. You know!"

He sat up. "I’ve been waiting for you to come in. I was lonely."

"Oh, you were, were you?"

"Very lonely. In this big bed, all alone."

"Ni, it’s a single bed."

"Still too big without you. Come and hold me Liam. I’ve missed it so much. Needed it so much." I couldn’t resist his pleading tone. Hesitantly I crossed the floor and slid alongside him. His body felt familiar, yet different. Much thinner, more fragile. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close.

"You feel so good, Liam. So safe. So warm."

I felt so protective of him. I kissed the top of his hair. It had started to grow more. He tilted his face upwards and met my lips. His lips were soft and sweet. I had forgotten what it was like to lay together in a single bed, bodies all squashed together, lips meeting, hands on each other’s bodies. All in the blissful, all enveloping dark. His tongue became more insistent, demanding entrance to my mouth. His hands more urgent. I wanted it, wanted him so badly, but something was stopping me.

"Niall.. We can’t!"

"Why? Why can’t we?"

"Your parents?"

"Know we’re together. Know we make love. Probably think we’ve made love every time you’ve stayed over. Liam, it won’t bother them. If it did, they wouldn’t have told you to stay." His eager hands found my hardening erection.

"Niall, no!"

He pulled back in surprise. "Why, Liam? Give me one reason, other than the parent crap!"

"Because."

"Because what..?"

"You’re sick!"

I felt him shudder. "I knew it. Knew that was why." It was a whisper, almost to himself – he reached across and switched on his bedside lamp. "Liam. Look at me." I didn’t want to. I felt ashamed. I was treating Niall differently, and I had vowed never to. But I had to. His eyes were big and earnest in his small pale face, and they brimmed with unshed tears.

"What do you mean, I’m sick? Is it that you don’t find me attractive any more? Don’t fancy me? Tell me the truth, Liam."

"Jesus.. no Niall, you’re beautiful. A bit skinny, but beautiful."

"Then why? What did you mean?"

"Nothing Niall."

"Like fuck, nothing! Liam, don’t you do it too. Treat me differently. It's bad enough mam and dad _trying not_ to fuss and Marielle avoiding me. I can’t take it from you. I hate it."

"Is that why you won’t go into town?"

He nodded. "People are going to come up and ask me how I am."

"Which is only natural. People have been worried Niall."

"I’m OK, I want to get on with my life."

"And they’ll let you. They just can’t help asking – it’s a small town."

He nodded. "I know. Liam. Why don’t you want to make love to me? I’m still the same Niall."

"Babe, I know that. I guess it's.. I’m.. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you."

To my surprise, he laughed. "Liam. Is that it? You’re frightened you’ll hurt me? Why? Suddenly got into bondage or something..?"

"No, but Niall.. you’ve been in hospital. You have leukaemia, for god’s sake."

"I know that. And I know it might kill me but.. but sex isn’t going to hurt me. I really feel like it."

I looked at him. "I didn’t think you would."

"Why not? Oh Jesus, we need to look on the internet again. I mean, I couldn’t ask that counsellor about sex full stop, let alone gay sex. it doesn’t look very good coming from a 17 year old catholic boy. Kind of reveals I’ve broken the confirmation pledge." He grinned. "Liam. I love you, and to be honest.. one of the things that’s got me through the last few weeks is the thought of you and me alone, in bed together. I don’t know how this illness and treatment will affect me. I dare so say, there’ll be times when I don’t want.. can’t have sex. But now isn’t one of them. Liam, I’m laid here horny as hell for you."

Now I laughed. "OK, OK.. you’ve convinced me. But let me know if I hurt you."

"I will. Now kiss me. And properly."

I spent a long time on that kiss. Niall turned the radio on low, the ‘Late Night Love Hour’ to drown out any sounds and our tongues entwined. I could feel just how horny he was, his erection was digging hard into me.. but I wanted to make him feel even more sexy.

I kissed down his jaw and collar bone, leaving a shiny moist trail. My lips encountered a nipple, pert and rosy, I sucked it into my mouth and lightly grazed it with my teeth. He whimpered and pulled me closer. I ran one hand round his arse, lifting it so his cock pressed even more into my stomach. It was already sticky with precum. Then I transferred my mouth to his other nipple, drawing impossibly slow circles round it with my tongue, till he was whimpering and rubbing his erection into my stomach.

I kissed a slow line down his stomach and teased his belly button a bit. Then without warning took him into my mouth. Tip of my tongue exploring his slit and caressing the underside of his shaft. He couldn’t hold back, and came explosively into my mouth. He tasted good, as sweet as honey. I had missed the taste. Missed Niall totally.

"Oh.. lord.. Liam.. that was.. amazing!" Thank god he hadn’t screamed my name as he usually did. There was one thing about his parents knowing, but quite another about advertising the fact we were fucking. No, making love, it would never be just fucking with Niall and I!

I was fully aroused and I needed to be in Niall’s warm body. "Ni. Any condoms?"

"Yeah. My top drawer. And some lube." I found it – he’d obviously been planning this, sly little bugger that he was. Seconds later, I was easing into him. Looking into his eyes. It seemed like ages since we were this intimate, but his body opened up willingly. And despite supposedly being weak, his legs had an iron strength as they wrapped around me, pulling me close.

Our rhythm was like music. Perfect. I was soon making contact with his prostate with every deep loving thrust. Then suddenly without warning, he came again. Warm and sticky between us, just as I came inside him. We untangled our bodies and then lay breathless in each other’s arms.

"Liam."

"Yes babe."

"Was it OK for you..?"

"God, yes!"

"As good as.. before I was ill..?"

"Yes, babe." I knew he was frightened and insecure. I wanted to reassure him. Besides, it had been fucking fantastic. "Ni, it was amazing. How about you?"

"Oh, it was OK!" He had that sly tone in his voice.

"Only OK? You little sex maniac." I tickled him lightly. I had been so scared to touch him just a short while ago. Things change.

"No. Better than OK. Much better. I love you, Liam. I love you more than I ever thought possible and.. and I’m so sorry for putting you through all this." A solitary tear dripped down his face.

"Oh love, don’t be. It's not your fault." I pulled him even closer.

"I feel so bad about it all. You, mam and dad, the rest of the family. Only Charlie’s the same with me, and only because he’s too young to know."

"Ni. Stop blaming yourself. It’s a problem.. a problem that we’re going to beat."

"Marielle. She’s avoiding me. Even you were nervous about touching me."

"Not any more, love. I just didn’t want to hurt you. But I know I’m not. And I’ll have a word with Marielle, if you want me to."

"Would you..? Just to tell her I’m OK, still the same. Just my blood’s a bit messed up, that’s all."

"Sure I will." Didn’t know how, but I’d try. For Niall, I would try to do anything. "Now, can we sleep? You may have a life of leisure, but I’ll be making fucking pizza again tomorrow. No, tonight."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry. But pizza sounds really good, could you bring me some home?"

"Niall!"

"I’m sorry. I’m asleep." I held him close and kissed him. Love was a wonderful feeling. The sweetest kind of pain!

 

I actually got the chance to talk to Marielle the very next day. Niall was a little tired (hmm, I wonder why?), and decided that after lunch he’d have a little nap. I could have gone home, but I didn’t feel like another row so I wandered into the music room. Niall had been teaching me to play the piano before he’d fallen ill and I decided to practice a little. Marielle came in just as I’d started to pick my way through ‘Twinkle twinkle little star!’

"Oh, sorry Liam." She blushed.

"No, don’t be, it's your house. I was just practising."

"I.. I didn’t know you played."

"Niall’s teaching me." She turned away at his name. It was the ideal chance. "Marielle. Are you angry with Niall?"

"No. Why would I be?"

"Because he’s ill, because you had to go to your aunt's house. Because you feel no one has any time for you any more."

She shook her head. "That’s stupid."

"Then why are you avoiding him, sweetheart?"

"I’m not!"

"Niall thinks you are. And it's upsetting him a lot. He loves you."

"It's silly." I saw her tears. "You’ll think I’m silly."

"I won’t, darling. But you’re upset and Niall’s upset. I’d like to help."

"I don’t want him to die." The words caught in my throat. I knew Maura and Bobby had been pretty honest with their children, even Charlie knew Niall had been very ill, but I couldn’t imagine them telling their 12 year old daughter that her beloved big brother was likely to die.

"What makes you think that?"

"I heard mam and dad telling auntie.. one night when I should have been asleep.. that.. that Niall was really sick, and he might not get well."

"Yes, he was very sick.. but he’s much better."

"But he still has to go back to hospital.. so he still could die!" A sob escaped her, which she tried to disguise as a cough.

I patted the seat next to me and she sat down, I put an arm round her. "Babe, Niall’s blood’s all mixed up at the minute. The medicine he’s just had un-mixed it but to make sure it stays like that he has to have more. But he’ll becoming home every night, and going to school."

"You sure..?"

"Yes. And he’s just the same person.. who really needs his little sister to annoy!"

She smiled. "I didn’t want to get used to him around. In case."

"Don’t think like that, babe."

"Liam, will he die?"

"I can’t answer that.. but if we pray for him and love him.. he stands a better chance of getting completely better."

"Do you love him?"

I bit my lip. "Yes Marielle, he’s my best friend. I love him."

"Good." She threw her arms round my neck. "Niall’s lucky having you for a best friend."

I hugged her back, then looked at her. "Shall we go and make Niall a cup of tea?" She nodded.

 

Niall had just woken up by the sleepy expression on his face. Marielle dived through the door and practically into the bed with him.

"Hey squirt, what's this for?"

"I’m sorry Ni. I still love you and I didn’t want you to die." She nestled against him.

"Well, you’d better stop crushing me then!" But he was laughing as he held her. "I don’t intend to die, kiddo. OK?"

She nodded, and he looked at me and smiled. I saw him mouth the word ‘thanks’ and I shrugged – I’d get a proper thank you later. Marielle cuddled Niall and then looked at me, shyly.

"Liam. I know Niall’s your best friend, but will you be my friend too? Just a little bit.. if NiNi doesn’t mind sharing you." She looked anxiously at her brother who grinned.

"I don’t mind a bit!" He said solemnly.

"Of course I’ll be your friend." She held out her arms and we all ended up in a big group hug. Good job I put the tea down! But the biscuits made crumbs in Niall’s bed. We found them later that night as we made love. Very scratchy.

 

 

 

It was, all things considered, a pretty good summer! I mean, I’d been expecting the worst and here was Niall. Alive, getting stronger, doing well. What more could I ask for? Except the right to love him and show that love anywhere, which of course we couldn’t do.. but on the whole we were both very happy.

I spent a lot of time with Niall that summer. At first, when Niall was still quite weak, I hung round his house pretty much the whole time. The weather was glorious, far less rain than usual, so we sunbathed in his back garden. Niall gradually losing the sickly pallor and becoming far more healthy looking. His hair was growing, and he’d kept it brown. It made his eyes seem more blue than ever. I would hold him and fall in love with him again. Every day! He was beautiful!

But I knew he was reluctant to go into Mullingar, even now he was feeling better – he just didn’t want to face people, people who would pity him. But it had to be done.

"Come on Ni.. Let's go into town, see what they’ve got in the Record Room."

"No, I don’t feel like it."

"Niall. No excuses. You’re feeling well enough to suggest a game of football with Charlie.. which you aren’t supposed to play, by the way."

"I know, I know – just stop fussing, Liam!"

"Then come out with me for a bit." 

"I don’t want people asking questions."

"Niall, they aren’t going to go away, you’d be better getting it over with."

"Liam."

"It's for your own good."

"Just fuck off!"

I swallowed back the tears and went into the kitchen, Niall could really make you feel small. Maura was preparing a meal. "What's up, Liam?"

"Nothing." I didn’t want to tell tales. "I suggested to Niall that we went into town, but he says he can’t face it."

She looked deep into my eyes. "It's not easy this, is it? Niall. You."

I shook my head. "I love him Maura, I want to go along with his wishes.. but it's not for his own good. He has to face people."

"I’ve had this conversation with him too Liam, in 4 weeks he’ll be back at school. He’ll have to face people there."

"You don’t have to talk about me as if I’m not here!" We both jumped as Niall came into the room. I went red but Maura didn’t turn a hair.

"Yes we do, you don’t listen to us anyway, why should we worry?" Niall looked a little shocked, but he continued to grumble.

"Anyone would think I was committing a crime, all I said was I didn’t want to go into town. I don’t feel like it, OK?"

"Niall, it's been over a week, you go back for the chemo day after tomorrow."

"Don’t you think I don’t know?"

"While you were in the hospital, all you did was fret to come out. And for what? To hide in the house."

"I’m not hiding!"

"Aren’t you?"

"NO!" Niall raised his voice and I felt his fear and pain. I wanted to hold him, but something told me not to go near him. "Just fucking leave me alone."

"Niall, I’ve told you before about swearing in the house." Maura remained perfectly calm.

"You just don’t care do you? I’m going through hell and you lose it because I say fuck in the house."

"Why are you going through hell, Niall?" I was amazed at her calmness. I was tense and really wanted to run.

"Because.. because.. oh Jesus mam. How do I walk into town and know they’re all talking about me? And don’t say they won’t, because we both know they will!" The tears started to fall.

"I know, Niall. I know they will. It’s a small town. We’ve been there. But its only because they care."

"Because they feel sorry for me!"

"Maybe. But isn’t that natural? If it was one of your school mates really ill, wouldn’t you feel sorry for them..? Because I know I’d feel sorry for my friends if it was one of their sons. They don’t mean anything by it Ni."

"I know., but I.. I.. don’t want sympathy. I want to be me."

"Oh Niall, you are you. At least if you go out there and face people, you are. Not if you stay inside and hide – that’s not the Niall we know. Don’t let this illness change you Niall, please." He fell into her arms, sobbing. I guess it was easy to forget Niall was really still a child, and still could die and he knew this. She held him a few minutes then he pulled free, and looked at me.

"Liam. I’m sorry."

"It's OK Ni." I held him tight, feeling his heart beat rapidly. "I know it's hard. You have to let us in." He nodded.

After a while he went upstairs to wash his face and when he came down he’d changed. I raised my eyebrow.

"Going somewhere?"

"Into town." I grinned.

"What about your lunch, Ni?" Maura was trying to look concerned and instead looking happy. Niall was making an effort.

"Oh, we’ll get a burger and chips at the Chapel's Bakery and Cafe."

"Healthy eating, Niall!"

"Once won’t hurt. Come on, Liam."

I was never more proud of Niall than I was that day. I know he was scared. But we went into town and browsed round the Record Room, it was full of kids from school and it was obvious that they were surprised to see Niall, and how different he looked. Of course they asked him how he was and he was soon chatting to them as if nothing had happened. But I knew how hard it was for him and I loved him even more. Harry was behind the counter. His face lit up with a big smile when Niall and I walked in.

"Niall! How you feeling, mate?"

"A lot better, thanks."

Harry took our order and brought it himself. "I’m on a break now, mind if I join you?" Niall shook his head, already getting stuck into the chips. Maura took his healthy eating very seriously and he was always moaning that he would look like a jacket potato or plate of pasta!

"You’re looking good, Niall!"

"Thanks."

"We were all really worried. Not as worried as Liam obviously, he sees you much more.. but me and Sean.. well.. You still having treatment?"

"Yeah, chemo twice a month. I’m in remission and I want to stay there."

"I bet. So you going to the Arts Centre for the new shows..?"

Niall shook his head. "Not fair. If the chemo makes me sick, and I let someone down.."

"Oh."

"But I’ll be back when I’m finished with this treatment."

Harry smiled. "I don’t doubt that Ni, not for a minute. You up for a night out next Friday?"

Niall grinned at me. "Can you get the night off?"

"I’ll damn well try."

"Then yes. Try and stop me." I sighed with relief. Niall was back into our circle of friends. Maybe he’d never left it.

 

I went with Niall and his parents for his first chemo session the next Monday. I knew he was scared. All of Sunday he’d been distracted and I couldn’t stay. Mum was starting to make ‘too much time with Niall’ noises. But I didn’t sleep well in my own bed and I doubted he did either. He was pale the next morning.

"You OK love?" I squeezed his hands.

"No, what if I’m really sick again..?"

"Don’t think like that Niall. It’s the power of suggestion."

"Hmmm. Liam, I hate being sick."

"I know love. It’ll be OK. You’ll see." And it was. It wasn’t Dr Andrews but a Dr Latimer and he was really nice. He talked to Niall a bit whilst he was taking blood tests and I could see Niall relaxing.

"Niall I’m not going to promise you that you won’t feel sick, or even be a bit sick but I can assure you it won’t be like before. It's not the same drug and I’m giving you an anti – emetic first which will stop the worst. If there is a worst."

"Then why are you doing it now? Why not wait and see?"

"Because there’s no point in you suffering if we can ease it. I’d like you to stay in Outpatients this afternoon so we can monitor your reaction. In future if you’re OK, you can go home as soon as the drip’s run through."

It was a fairly uneventful afternoon. Niall complained his mouth was dry and tasted funny, and also that he felt queasy but it never materialised into sickness. By the time we were going home, he was hungry and wanted his tea! The next day he was back to his recovering self and we went on a picnic to Lough Ennell to celebrate.

So the summer was good! I watched Niall grow stronger. There was no doubt he’d be back at St. Mary's in September and the hospital were pleased with his progress. There was still no indication of how long this consolidation therapy was going to last but Niall got into a routine and no doubt he’d adjust that routine when he was back at school – he was really good at coping and adjusting.

So I could tell you a million little things that happened that summer, but they aren’t really important. Only to Niall and myself. The way we made love at every available moment – and suddenly there seemed to be a lot of those! I would never grow tired of the way Niall’s body wrapped its way round me and responded to my every touch. The way he called my name at the point of orgasm in ecstasy or murmured it low and urgent.

The way we touched, even if we couldn’t make love. In the cove at Lough Ennell with the sea breeze ruffling our hair, in Niall’s room late at night. In Sherwood Park as we wandered hand in hand. Stupid soppy lovesick things, but wonderful memories and we never know when memories would be all we had!

I had never told Niall about how my mum and dad had been with me, that they had threatened me with not being able to see him. And he never asked. Not even when I stopped taking him home with me – we’d never spent that much time there anyway. But one day we were walking in Sherwood Park and he suddenly went pale.

"Liam. I have to sit down."

"What's wrong..?"

"My legs are like fucking jelly. I must have walked too far."

"Ni.. why? Is it..?"

He shook his head. "No. They said my body would tell me if I’d done too much. Oh fuck. How do I get home..?"

"I’ll ring your dad."

"No, he’s at work. I don’t want to worry him. I’ll be OK after a rest. It happened when I went swimming the other week, remember?"

"My dad’s home." I spoke hesitantly. We were only a couple of miles from my house – it was the logical solution. But I didn’t want to call them. Niall and I and them and me were in separate compartments, and that’s how I wanted to keep it. But there was no choice. It would soon be evening and Niall would definitely catch a chill if the sun went down. "I’ll ring him!" Niall said nothing, just watched as I called dad, explained what had happened. There was no row, he instantly offered to come and was there in a few minutes. He went straight to Niall.

"Now then, Liam said you couldn’t walk."

"No Mr Payne. The hospital warned me.. if I did too much, my body would let me know."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"Oh no, I’ll be fine. Just need a rest. I’m really sorry about this."

"Don’t be." He picked Niall up, ignoring my protests that I could do it. "We’ll take you back to our place, and I’ll call your mum and dad."

"Thank you."

I sat next to the sofa where Niall was laid in our lounge. Dad had called his parents and they were on their way, and now mum was fussing round him. He remained wonderfully polite, but I could see he wanted to be home. In bed, away from it. Bobby arrived, no fuss. Just gave Niall a wry look. "Perhaps you’ll learn now that you’re not superhuman. Come on."

"I’ll come!" Mum gave me a look. "I’ll be back by 11. OK?" She nodded.

Niall said nothing until he was settled in bed and the 'do we go to hospital?' inquest was over. His temp was normal and he could walk again. He’d be fine after a night’s sleep. I sat holding his hand.

"How you feeling?"

"OK, just tired and embarrassed."

"Why?" He just shrugged.

"Your parents don’t like me, do they?" It was direct and out of the blue.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because its fucking obvious! Oh they were polite enough, and I don’t think I was even bothering them but they don’t like me."

"They think I spend too much time with you."

"Since when?"

"Since before you got sick." There was no point hiding it. "They tried to stop me seeing you."

"Tell me everything, Liam!" His voice was like steel

So I did. He sat there biting his lip. When I’d finished, he looked away.

"Jesus Liam, I’m sorry. I’ve made it really bad for you."

"No you haven’t Ni. They’ve made it bad. Not you. You’ve made my life bearable."

"But Liam, they’re like that and they don’t even know about us. Christ, what would they be like if they found out."

"Don’t worry about it. They won’t."

"But Liam. Maybe I’m not worth it, they’re your family for christ’s sake!"

"Don’t you ever say you’re not worth it Niall Horan! You are worth everything to me."

"Not splitting up a family."

"Niall, they’re not my family.. if they can’t accept you as my friend, my lover.. then they’re no family. I don’t need them. All I need is you."

"But Liam, what if.. what if you don’t get me for long?"

I saw his tears and felt mine. I touched his chest. "Ni, we’ll always have each other – here."

He pulled me to him. "Hold me Liam, kiss me." We lay entangled for a long while, until both our tears had mingled and dried. Joined not only in pleasure but sorrow.

I made it home for 11 – just! Now I regarded my parents as the enemy but it wasn’t time to bait them. I had to wait till Niall was strong and I was of age – then I would tell them I was resolute about that.

"How’s Niall?" Mum was waiting.

"Oh he's OK, just needed to rest."

"You see what I was trying to tell you, Liam. Niall won’t live a normal life. He’s terminally ill. I mean the poor lad can’t even go for a walk." I wanted to scream that the only reason he was knackered was because we’d been making love most of the morning in a deserted boat shed at Lough Ennell and had walked back, but I didn’t. I just stared ahead.

"I know he’s your best friend but Liam, face it, you’re going to lose him, you need new friends."

"I’ll be the judge of that! Thank dad for fetching us. I’m going to bed!" I shut out the rest of her words. But I lay there crying silently, what if she was right? What if I never got to tell her and dad about this wonderful love because I lost it? I didn’t want to think like that, felt I was betraying Niall by thinking like it, but it was there. At the back of my mind.

 

 

 

I hated September, beginning school again – the difference was that this was my last year. Next September Niall and I would be at university in Dublin, God willing. So I had to get through this year.

I knocked on the Horan’s door well before 8 AM in my uniform – I’d had to get up really early to get there at that time but it was worth it. I wanted to give Niall as much support as I could.

"Jesus Liam, you’re keen!" Bobby still looked half asleep. "I think the lazy lump’s still in bed."

"He’d better not be!" I went into Niall’s room, he was laid on his bed but fully dressed.

"I don’t want to go Liam."

"I know love." I held him close. "But it’ll be OK. You’ve seen everyone over the summer."

"Not the teachers. Not Father Drake!"

"Thank god, talk about ruining the summer. They’ll be OK Niall, they have to be. Now come on." He gave me a reproachful look but moved himself. I knew he was scared. I was scared for him. Maura took us, her and Niall were having a meeting with Principle Richards, I guessed it was to talk about Niall, what he could and couldn’t do. He looked small and impossibly young as I left them sat in the corridor outside the principal’s office. I wanted to hold him so close.

On the whole, Niall was worrying for nothing. He slipped back easily into school life.. And it did him good, he was soon getting involved with the drama and music departments. The one blackspot was Drake, who else? The staff had been briefed on Niall’s condition. Signs to look out for if there was a problem, not to make exceptions for him or treat him differently. And Drake wholeheartedly supported that idea. To make matters worse, Niall couldn’t do PE and he had to spend them with Drake in the library ‘catching up’ on RE and classics. I knew that was a lie, Niall wasn’t behind in either subject – I had worked with him myself and as so often happened he was better than me at them. But Drake said differently.

It got Niall down, spending 4 lessons a week with the one teacher who really hated him. I think Drake was worse, because there was actually something wrong with Niall, he’d have loved to prove he was putting it on. I wish he had been putting it on.

"I hate the bastard." We were doing homework – Leaving Cert. year brings a lot of homework!

"Don’t let him get to you Ni. That’s what he wants."

"Yeah, he’d love me to smack him one." Niall groaned at the returned Latin exercises. "Oh fuck, Liam these are right aren’t they?"

I skimmed through them, they were. "Why’s he returned them?"

"Untidy.. Shit. I’ll be up all night with all this." He smiled at me. "Liam, on the last day can I smack him one?"

I hugged him. "Now, you just keep that temper under control Horan."

 

But apart from Drake life was going OK. Christmas came and went. We went to the dance and put on the act again. Then we went back to Niall’s and had the traditional dance in the moonlight in his room. Then on Boxing day we celebrated one year of love making and had, as Niall put it, 'A happy fuck – day!'

"I love you Niall!" He was laid in my arms, post orgasmic. A big smile plastered on his face.

"Love you too babe. It's been a hell of a year."

"Sure has. Let's hope the next one will be better."

"Oh, there’s been some good things. You and me. We’ve just got better and better." I kissed his hair.

"You're so damn soppy!"

"As always."

 

Niall was doing really well at the hospital too. He was now on monthly chemo, and looking good. It was still far too early to even hope for a complete cure, but the signs were good. Maybe god decided our love was OK after all? But good things never last. It started around Valentine’s day. We sent each other cards and soppy presents, but I got another card.

"Let me see." Niall took it off me. 'To Liam. I think you’re the most beautiful boy in the world.' "Ohhh should I get jealous? Well, at least they’ve got taste." He was laughing but then he looked at the writing. "Oh shit! I know who sent you this!"

"Who? Tell me."

"Marielle. She’s got a crush on you."

"She’s twelve!"

"And you’re not into girls. Still better be careful, it could really upset her if she finds out."

"Well, I wasn’t planning on telling her I’m in love with her brother." I was very careful not to encourage her, but I could see her point. I spent a lot of time there and didn’t have a girlfriend. It would have all been OK, if the very week after hadn’t been half term.

We had the house to ourselves, and had just come back from Niall’s chemo session. As usual, he was whining that the IV left his hand sore. I picked up his left hand and kissed it gently. Shivers of electricity shot through us both. I began to suck his fingers, each one slowly. I could tell from his panting how aroused he was getting.

"Still sore..?"

"No. Go on." He breathed as I kissed up his arm and along his collar bone. He frantically struggled out of his shirt, and I kissed his nipples feeling them harden. Then our lips met, tongues battling frantically. We never heard the front door, so wrapped up in each other. The first we were aware of, was the bedroom door opening.

"Niall, you in? I want to ask you something.. Oh." Me and Niall broke apart at the speed of light. but not before Marielle caught us, half dressed, our tongues down each other’s throats. I saw the expression on her face. Shock, pain, disappointment.

"Don’t you ever fucking knock?" I was surprised at the harshness in Niall’s voice, but I knew why. He hadn’t wanted Marielle to know, let alone to witness us in the first steps to fucking each other senseless.

"I.. I.. didn’t.. I’m.. sorry.. Ni.. you.. and Liam? Oh god, no. Please." She was pale, then the tears started. "Niall.. how could you?"

"Marielle." His voice was gentler. "I’m sorry I shouted, but you scared me."

"Not that. You and Liam. Kissing. How.. it's disgusting."

I felt like someone had smacked me in the stomach, and I knew Niall must feel worse. Marielle worshipped him.

"It's not Ellie. I love him."

"You’re gay!"

"I’m still your brother."

"No, you’re not. Don’t touch me." She backed away. "I hate you, Niall. I wish you had died." It was the typical response of a hurt and shocked 12 year old. I doubted that she meant that, but it hurt. It hurt me, so it must have killed Niall. He sank back on the bed. Marielle ran through the door and up the stairs, crying loudly. Niall was sobbing bitterly. I was torn, I wanted to comfort Marielle, she was only a kid. But Niall needed me and I loved Niall, had made a promise to him. Before I had to make a decision Maura and Bobby walked in.

"Niall, what on earth? And why’s Marielle howling the place down..?"

"I’m sorry, mam. I’m really sorry. She knows.. about me and Liam."

Maura went pale. "How Niall?"

"We were kissing, she walked in on us. I forgot to lock the door. I’m sorry."

"Oh Christ, Niall! How could you be so stupid? We’ve trusted you to be ‘discreet’! Heaven knows we’ve not made many rules and you are too bloody randy to even lock the door with your 12 year old sister at home?" Bobby sounded mad.

"Bobby, it was my fault." Niall couldn’t take all the blame.

"I know it takes two to tango, but Niall’s our son. He knows our rules. It's his responsibility. I would have thought you both had enough sense to lock the door."

"I forgot. I thought we were alone." Niall was crying. I wanted to hold him, but didn’t want to upset Bobby any more.

"Oh well, I suppose she had to find out somehow. I’ll go and see her.. but you do realise I can’t promise she’ll keep quiet."

"I just want her to be OK. I didn’t mean to hurt her." Niall cried into his pillow. Bobby left the room, and me and Maura were stood watching Niall break his heart.

"Ni, baby. She’ll be OK. Calm down."

"She hates me, mam!"

"She’ll get over it, Ni. It's just that she’s had this giant crush on Liam!" She gave me a smile. "You certainly know how to captivate my children."

"She won’t. She told me she wished I’d died.. and I don’t blame her.." Maura went pale, and she sat on Niall’s bed.

"Oh baby, come here." I watched as she held Niall and let him cry. I had learned a valuable lesson from being around Niall and his parents. That they loved him as much as I did, and could sometimes help him more.

I went to make some tea. Bobby joined me. "How is she?"

"Breaking her heart!"

"I’m really sorry. If you want me to go..?"

"Now then lad, don’t be stupid. I could have walloped the pair of you for being stupid, but it had to come out. She’ll get over it. It' not easy finding out your brother loves the boy you have a crush on, and that boy loves him back. And she’s upset. I gather she said some nasty things to Ni."

"Yeah. She wished he’d died. I don’t think she meant it."

"She can’t say that to Niall Liam, he’s cut up enough. The whole Catholic guilt trip. I have my beliefs Liam, but at times.. I hate some of them. If Niall or you was to go to confession and tell them about your love, the priest would say Niall’s leukaemia is a punishment from God. 9 times out of 10."

"I know that."

"So does Niall, and I think at times he believes that."

"He’s never said that to me."

"Liam, with all respect, you don’t know him like I do. You may be his best friend, his lover and his soul mate. I’m his father. He always blamed himself for being ill as a child. You’re not telling me that in the church’s eyes, he’s committing the biggest sin and doesn’t make some connection between that and how ill he is?"

I shook my head. "But surely you don’t believe that?"

"Of course not. And I’d kill anyone who said that. But deep down I’d bet my last penny that Niall does. It’s a confusing time for him – and you."

"Tell me about it! So what did you tell Marielle?"

"That you and Niall love each other. That god made the love, and it's not wrong. That Niall won’t die because of that, and that she ought to apologise to him for what she said."

"And?"

"Well, she won’t go near him. Or you. But she won’t tell anyone, she’s too ashamed of Niall. Jesus, what a mess."

"I’m really sorry."

"Son, don’t go getting screwed up by that Catholic guilt of yours. It's not your fault."

"I feel bad though, because you’ve been so good to us."

"Liam, you’ve been good for Niall. No matter what anyone says, I give my whole hearted blessing to yours and Ni’s relationship. And I know Maura does too. If it was legal - I’d tell you to marry him tomorrow! To me, you’re another son."

I cried, Bobby was a man of few words and he meant the words he used. He pulled me to him. "Whatever happens Liam, you’ve made my son very happy. How can that be wrong..?" And I realised he was crying too.

I went into Niall’s room, he had stopped crying but still looked sad. "How’s Marielle? Mam won’t let me go up to see her."

"She’ll be OK Ni, she’s had a shock. She’ll come round."

"I hope so. Jesus, I wreck everything. Your family. My family."

"No, you don’t. It's just circumstances. The time and place we live in Ni."

He held out his arms. I sat on his bed and pulled him close. ‘"I love you. Forever and a day!"

"Marielle wishes I was dead."

"Not really. She’ll come round to it."

"You think so?"

"Give her time." He went silent, biting his lip. I wondered why. But he spoke and the moment passed.

"I’m so tired, Liam. You mind if I sleep?"

"Course not. Want me to go?"

"No, hold me please."

He was soon asleep. I stroked his hair. He seemed fragile again, gone from being invincible to broken in a couple of hours. Where was it leading? A knock disturbed me. It was Bobby. "You two OK?"

"Niall’s asleep."

"I wanted to know if he’d settled. I’ll leave him in your capable hands." He smiled. "Liam, about what I said earlier. I might know him better because I’m his father. It doesn’t mean he needs me more. He needs you, Liam."

"I know, and I need him." But later I looked back, that day was the moment when our lives went pear shaped again with unchangeable consequences!

 

 

Like I said, it was from Valentine’s day that everything went downhill!

February was a gloomy month – it rained constantly, and we always seemed to be dripping wet. Niall caught a chill which meant anxiety, time off school and me fussing over him. Even though it was obvious from his sneezing that it was just a chill. But he seemed depressed – Marielle was still avoiding us, she would disappear every time I went round so god knows what she was like around Niall. He didn’t say much about it, but I knew he was thinking about it a lot – his guilt was in overdrive. I just prayed to come through it.

It all exploded on one Tuesday morning in the first week in March. We had Classics and I was in Niall’s class. We were five minutes into the lesson and he hadn’t turned up yet. He’d had drama the lesson before and I didn’t do drama. But I wasn’t unduly worried at this point. Then the door opened and Niall walked slowly in. I gasped – he looked terrible, really pale with red eyes, I knew he’d been crying.

Drake pounced like a cat on an unsuspecting mouse. "Good of you to join us, Mr Horan!"

"Sorry sir, but I wasn’t feeling very well."

"Same excuse, milking your illness for all it's worth."

"No, sir." Niall flushed pink.

"Well, I think you are. Where’s your homework?"

"I haven’t done it, sir." Niall’s voice was low.

"Haven’t done it? But you’ve had a day longer than anyone else." Niall had been at the hospital for chemo the day before when it was due in.

"I know sir, and I’m sorry.. but I was too tired last night."

Drake crossed over to Niall – the whole class collectively held their breaths.

"Too tired.. What kind of an excuse is that? You’re a waste of space, Horan."

"Sir. I was at the hospital yesterday. I didn’t feel able to work last night."

"Because you’re idle."

"I was sick, sir." I could see Niall’s temper rising – he hated to talk about his illness in front of people.

"Conveniently. Get out of my sight Horan, you make **ME** sick! Nothing but trouble since the day you walked into St. Mary's. Go and stand outside Mr Jones’ office – now!" Niall had just sat down. I watched him struggle to stand, he was moving slowly and with difficulty. I really started to worry – something was definitely amiss.

"Horan, I want you out of this room now! Are you thick as well as everything else?"

"No sir." Niall seemed to be having difficulty getting to his feet.

"I’ve had enough of this." In horror, I watched Drake drag Niall to his feet. I heard Niall let out this little involuntary whimper, which cut straight through me

"Let him go, you bastard! Leave him alone!"

"Excuse me Mr Payne, did you say something?" He still had hold of Niall in a painfully tight grip. To this day, I can’t remember what happened next. Drake swears blind that I hit him. I can’t remember, but I know I wanted to. I was sure I pushed him hard to make him release Niall, the class backed me up on that one. Anyway, he let go of Niall and he fell against a desk.

"Niall it's OK, I won’t let him hurt you."

He was sobbing. Real hard sobs, not just shock and reflex but pain. I looked into his blue eyes and saw sorrow, pain and fear. This was so much deeper than a confrontation with Drake, something was seriously wrong here. "Niall.. shhh.." I wrapped my arms around him and he pressed close to me – right there in the crowded classroom! We held each other, praying for a fragile future. We didn’t speak, we didn’t have to. Suddenly Jones was there with Drake. Drake was flapping that I’d attacked him – I didn’t really give a shit, only that I hadn’t hurt him more. All that mattered was Niall.

"I’m sick again, Liam." It was barely a whisper but I heard, yet I already somehow knew.

"I know Ni. I know.." I blinked back my tears.

"OK Payne, let go of him and outside Mr Richards office **NOW**! You’re in big trouble this time!"

I didn’t want to let go of Niall. He was crying softly, I didn’t want to leave him in that classroom alone with Drake – but it would arouse suspicion if I kept holding Niall. At the moment, they just thought I was comforting him. I was, but I needed comforting too.

Suddenly Mr Connor was there, he was Niall’s tutor. "OK, Horan what's wrong? Let him go, Payne. Go with Mr. Jones." He took one look at Niall. "Shall I get your parents, lad?"

Niall nodded, he realised he needed someone for comfort and that he couldn’t have me at that minute. I wanted to stay there until Maura and Bobby arrived. I knew there was no chance, but I turned pleading eyes on Mr Connor. "Please, can I stay with him..?"

Jones and Drake started making all these noises, but Connor shut them up. "No, Payne. I think you’re in enough bother. Niall can sit in my office with me until his parents come." He gave Niall an anxious look, and I realised he knew Niall was sick too. "Your parents called me Niall, you really shouldn’t have come into school."

I gave Niall a questioning look. He gave me a sad smile in return, almost unable to meet my eyes and I realised something had happened. Something bad, yesterday at the hospital that he hadn’t told me. He whispered ‘I’m sorry.’ Two words that spoke a thousand and my heart fell.

He got up to follow Connor and I could see how unsteady he was. So could Connor, he put his arm round him, supporting him. Inside I was screaming ‘let me go with him’ but outwardly I was silent as I followed Jones and Drake to the principal’s office.

I had to sit outside while Drake gave his version of what had happened, and Jones ripped my character apart. And I really couldn’t have given a shit, except that when my parents found out I would be in big trouble. Big, big trouble! And they would find out.

I seemed to be sat there forever, then Jones and Drake came out looking satisfied. Then Richards came out. "You’d better come in, Mr Payne." He sat behind his desk, and fixed me with a cold stare.

"OK, Father Drake says you launched an unprovoked assault on him."

I shook my head. "No, sir."

"You deny hitting him?"

"Yes, I do. I didn’t hit him. I pushed him, because he was hurting Niall."

"In what way? Start at the beginning, Payne."

"Niall came in late to the lesson and he looked terrible. He apologised, said he wasn’t well. But Drake.. Father Drake started on at him saying he was using his illness as an excuse, that he was a waste of space. Then he asked for Niall’s homework, Niall hadn’t done it, said he hadn’t been able to. Drake went mad. He ordered Niall out. When Niall didn’t move quick enough, he started to drag him out. I didn’t want him to hurt Niall, so.. so.. I pushed Father Drake! Just to make him let go of Niall. That’s the truth, sir. I swear it."

He looked at me. For a long time. "So, Payne. You’re saying that you physically assaulted a member of staff because he was hurting your best friend."

"Who just happens to have a life threatening illness, sir."

"I know that. Liam, why didn’t you go for a member of staff? Taking the law into your own hands isn’t the brightest thing to do.. for whatever reason. This will have to go before the board of governors Liam. And I’ll be honest, you could be looking at permanent exclusion. Plus, I have to get your parents in now to take you off of school premises. You’ve got yourself into a real mess here." I had the strangest feeling he was on my side, as much as his position would allow him to be.

"But what about Father Drake, sir? Will he get into trouble for what he did to Niall?"

"That’s up to Mr and Mrs Horan, whether they wish to make a complaint. I will be having words with him about it. I think you’d better worry about yourself. Go and sit outside whilst I get in touch with your parents."

I sat, lost in thought. How they’d react. I knew how they’d be.. mad. They’d blame Niall. I was in for major hell. Then I thought about Niall. He was sick again, but what did that mean..? That monthly chemo wasn’t working and he’d have to go back for fortnightly treatment. That he needed another intensive session. I was blocking the possible meanings out. I didn’t want to think about them. He’d be home now with his mum and dad, probably laid in bed. I needed him so much.

"OK Liam, what's this about?" Mum strode into the little waiting room. "Assaulting a teacher! I really don’t believe the levels you stoop to."

"It wasn’t like that."

"Oh, what was it like then?" Before I could answer Mr Richards opened the door and asked us all to go in. I won’t go over it all again. To be honest Richards was very fair. Not that it helped. Mum looked at dad, and then exploded.

"So, it's through Niall Horan as usual! That boy’s nothing but a bad influence on him."

"Now then, Mrs Payne. Niall didn’t exactly make Liam push Father Drake. It was misguided loyalty to his friend."

"That’s the problem. Niall’s not a suitable friend for Liam. Liam has been in nothing but trouble since they started hanging round together. He’s become a different lad." She looked at me. "Well Liam, it's going to stop – now."

"What do you mean?" My voice was shaking

"You’ll find out. Now then, Mr Richards. What's going to happen to Liam?"

"I have to ask you to take him off the premises until the governors hearing in 10 days, but I warn you he could be permanently excluded. I can’t promise he won’t."

Mum nodded. "I’m really sorry about this, Mr Richards."

"It's not your fault. And I must ask you not to blame Niall either. He’s got enough problems to deal with, and I believe Liam’s friendship has helped him through some very tough times."

"I’m sorry, Mr Richards. I’m not letting Niall Horan ruin my son’s life. Whether he is sick or not. This _friendship_ isn’t helping Liam at all."

"How would you know what Niall’s friendship is doing?" Mum looked at me.

"Don’t show me up."

"But you don’t. Niall’s wonderful, the best person I have ever known."

"Liam. Drop it!" Mr Richards gave me an almost sympathetic look. I shut up. I was only going to say something I’d regret.

The drive back home was long and silent. I had nothing to say, nothing that they would listen to. All I could think of was Niall. He was all that mattered to me, not stupid St. Mary's or what anyone thought of me. "Please god, let him be OK!" I murmured it over and over again. An incantation to hold on to. But they started the minute we got through the door.

"I don’t believe you, Liam Payne."

"Drake was hurting him, mum."

"So? You don’t hit a teacher."

"I didn’t hit him.. and he was hurting Niall, Niall who has leukemia. Who’s hurting."

"That’s his problem. Listen Liam. You and Niall. I don’t want you seeing him again."

"What?"

"You heard me. I don’t want you being friends with Niall Horan again!"

"You can’t do that."

"I can and will. He may have ruined your future at St. Mary's.. and if by some miracle they let you back. Mind you, from what I gather, Niall won’t be going back to St. Mary's either."

I was too upset to pay any attention to her last remark. "Mum. Please. I’ll be good. Just let me see Niall."

"No, and that’s final." I begged and pleaded. She was made of ice. Nothing got through to her. All afternoon I screamed and kicked off, just like a little kid. Stupid really, but at the time all I could think of was Niall and how he needed me. But she was unmoving to my pleas.

I fell on my bed and howled. I knew exactly how Romeo and Juliet must have felt. Then I had a plan. Washing my face I walked into the kitchen. Mum was preparing tea, and dad was playing with my younger sisters. All eyes turned.

"Oh, we’ve decided to act like an adult now, have we?"

"I’m sorry. Mum. Dad."

"Good, but it doesn’t change our decision. You are not being friends with Niall Horan again."

"Mum please, just let me go once. To explain. Please. To tell him I won’t be going again."

She looked at me. "If I let you, do you promise, honestly promise, not to try and see him again."

"I promise." Crossing my fingers behind my back! What was one more sin compared to the ones I had committed?

"OK, I want you back here in 2 hours and tell him the truth Liam. You won’t be going again."

 

Maura answered the door. She looked sad. "Liam. I’m sorry about what’s happened."

"No, I’m sorry. Oh Maura, mum’s stopping me being friends with Niall. That’s why I’m here, to tell him."

She nodded and I followed her in. "I thought something like this might happen.. and.. and I don’t know how Niall’s going to handle it."

"Don’t worry. He won't have to. I’m not going to stop seeing him, Maura. Not now. Not ever. How is he?"

"Very tired. And a bit bruised."

"From Drake?"

"Yes. It could have been worse. Thank you for stopping it."

"I wanted to kill him. Maura, Niall said he was sick again..?"

She nodded and I saw a tear. "Yes. They think he’s out of remission. He has to go back tomorrow for some tests. I didn’t want him to go to school today. If only he hadn’t."

"Drake had it coming. And mum’s been looking for an excuse for ages. Can I see him?"

"You know the way."

 

Niall was laid on his bed. I could see he’d been crying, but he smiled as I walked in. "Liam. I didn’t think they’d let you come."

"I’m supposed to be telling you I can’t see you again. But don’t worry babe. They’ll never stop me. Why didn’t you tell me about the remission?"

"I wanted to see you, it's not fair to hear it on the phone. I’m sorry. So sorry. I’ve let you down."

"It's not your fault, babe." I pulled him close. "And we’ll fight it."

"I have tests tomorrow. To see how bad it is. I’m so scared."

"Don’t be, honey. I’ll be there."

"But your parents.."

"Fuck ‘em! You’re all that matters. I love you." I kissed his hair. I held him till he slept then had to dash off home. I didn’t want to anger my parents. Not yet because I had to be with Niall the next day.

"You told him then?"

"Yes."

"And his parents?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now forget him Liam. Let's just hope St. Mary's give you a second chance. Now, get to bed. I’m very disappointed in you Liam Payne." 'Not as disappointed as I am in you.' I wanted to say. But I just went to bed, praying for Niall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! :(


	7. S-E-V-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some smut in this chapter..

It was easy to sneak out the next day. Of course I was grounded, but they both went to work. I just climbed out of the bedroom window. I would have smashed it rather than not go with Niall.

I got to the Horan’s house before they left. Niall was sat fiddling with the TV remote. He looked ill. How had he got so ill looking in such a short space of time. Or maybe he was looking ill much longer and I hadn’t noticed. Hadn’t wanted to notice. But there was no denying it now, he looked sick, like he had when he was first diagnosed. Pale, sweaty, big dark circles round his eyes. I wanted to cry, but I forced a grin.

"Well, I escaped."

He smiled weakly. "Don’t get yourself into trouble on my account, love."

"Hey, I wanted to be with you today." I sat next to him and took his hand. "How you feeling?"

"Sick! Scared. I don’t want to know, babe. I don’t want them to tell me." 

"Oh Ni!" What could I say to that? I pulled him close, all I ever wanted was him in my arms. Not a lot.

All too soon it was time to set out to the hospital. To my surprise there was no waiting, straight into the consulting room. A pretty nurse smiled at us.

"We have to do a bone marrow biopsy. If you want to go straight in to see Dr Andrews whilst Dr Latimer does it it will save time." She was speaking to Maura and Bobby.

"Well, we’d rather one of us stay with Niall."

I looked Maura in the eyes. "I’ll stay with him, Maura."

"You OK with that Niall?"

He looked into my eyes. "You sure about that, Liam?"

"Yes." Then he nodded.

Soon Niall was wearing a green gown and laid on his side. I took his hand as Dr Latimer came in. He smiled at us. "Hi Liam, hi again Niall. Shall we get this over with?’ Niall took a deep breath and nodded. The doctor injected him with local anaesthetic into his hip then produced a large needle. Niall couldn’t see it but I could and I closed my eyes.

"Oy Liam, don’t faint on me!" Niall squeezed my hand. "It's meant to be the other way around."

I had to smile, Niall was smiling too, although he winced and whimpered a little when the doctor took the sample.

"All done, that was great Niall."

"Didn’t feel it. When will you have the results?"

"Give me half an hour. You can get dressed now."

I helped him, then he sat on the bed. "They’re giving my parents bad news."

"Don’t be silly, Niall." A chill went through me.

"They are, Liam. They haven’t sent for me. I have this feeling. It's not going to be good." I didn’t know what to say to that so settled for nothing, just holding his hand.

Eventually Dr Andrews came in. "You want to join your parents now, Niall?"

"Only if you tell me the truth." Niall met his eyes.

We all sat there. I could see Maura was trying not to cry. Bobby was holding her hand, he reached for Niall’s hand as he sat next to them.

"So? What's the verdict?" Niall took the initiative.

"You’re out of remission Niall, as we thought when you came for your treatment the other day. There are a large number of leukaemia cells in your blood. A considerably large number."

"So what does that mean? That I have to come back in for more chemo?"

"Initially yes. But Niall.. there are.. definite signs that chemotherapy won’t control your leukaemia. It's very unlikely that you’ll go into remission again on chemo alone. We are looking at radiotherapy here.. to control your illness. Even then.." Niall’s clear blue stare seemed to be throwing the doctor. He cleared his throat. "Even then.. I doubt that you will go into remission, let alone be cured."

"So.. I’ll die?" Niall’s voice was emotionless.

"I hope not Niall, I want to try every option whilst you are physically strong enough to withstand it. Niall, I was discussing the option of a bone marrow transplant with your parents. We, Dr Latimer and I, feel it's your best option for a recovery. How do you feel about it?"

"How do you think I feel? If it lets me live then lets do it!"

"We have to find a match. Your parents have both agreed to being tested today. If they aren’t suitable, we go through family members. I’ll leave you with your parents to talk about it for a few minutes whilst we set up for the testing."

The door closed and Maura wordlessly took Niall into her arms. "Oh, my sweet little boy."

Niall burst into tears. "Mam, dad you don’t have to do this for me."

Bobby shook his head. "We want to Niall. We made you, gave you life. If we can save you then.." he choked on the tears. "You’re part of us kiddo." He ruffled Niall’s hair.

"I’m so sorry."

"It's not your fault. Come on Niall, see sense."

I felt I was intruding. It was a family moment. I turned to leave, but Bobby put his arm around me. "Stay Liam. Niall needs you." He held me close.

As I relaxed into his arms I wondered how Niall had known. Known that it would be bad news. Maybe when you have that kind of illness you get sensitive to these things, develop a sixth sense. Then I got a feeling, what if I could be the one to save Niall. "I want to test to see if I’m suitable too."

They all looked at me. "Liam. No."

"Niall, why not? There’s a chance, maybe me and you were meant to be together for a reason? Maybe I was meant to save you? I want to, don’t stop me."

"Liam."

"Niall." Bobby looked at me. "If Liam wants to, then it's his choice. Don’t throw it away."

Niall wiped his eyes. "I just didn’t want to cause you any more pain, that’s all. It's bad enough that my parents.. but.."

"Niall, I want to. Besides, it's not that painful.. is it?"

"I didn’t mean physically." He didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t press him. "Oh OK, and thanks Liam." I squeezed his hand. It hurt a little, but it was nothing if it would give Niall the chance at life. I would be sore for a couple of days but compared to what Niall went through, it was nothing. After we had all been tested Dr Andrews saw us.

"We should have the results in 12 – 24 hours. We’ll let you know. I would like Niall in for chemo and radiotherapy from tomorrow. Start an attacking programme."

Bobby and Maura nodded. "Does he need anymore treatment or tests today?"

"No, he can go home if he wants." He laughed as Niall jumped up, then gave Niall a gentle smile. "I’ll be praying for you lad. We can get through this you know?"

Niall smiled. "I know."

I spent the rest of the day with Niall, foolish thing to do, but I figured as long as I was home before mum and dad.. I would be OK. I was praying that one of us would be able to save Niall, that was all that mattered. We sat holding hands, watching TV. We didn’t say much, there was no need. Niall fell asleep leaned against me. I stroked his hair. How was it possible to love one person so much? I loved Niall totally. With a love that knew no boundaries.

Suddenly the shrill sound of the phone made us both jump. I heard Maura’s low voice. "I see, thanks for telling us so quickly."

She came into the room with Bobby. "That was Dr Andrews, they rushed the results through. I’m afraid.. none of us are suitable for a transplant, none of us match with Niall."

She was fighting tears as was Bobby. I felt numb. Niall got to his feet and wordlessly dashed to his room. Maura made to follow him but I shook my head. "Let me." She nodded then fell into Bobby’s arms. Niall was on his stomach on the bed, tears shone behind his eyes but hadn’t escaped yet.

"Babe, it's early days yet. Someone will match."

"Will they though, Liam? I’m not that sure. My own parents don’t. It doesn’t give me a lot of hope for anyone else."

"Niall."

"I’m scared, Liam. I don’t want to die.. not before I’ve lived. with you. God’s shown me all this, what love is, how beautiful it can be and now he’s taking it away. I’m scared to die Liam, because I can’t imagine being without you."

"Oh Niall." I kissed his wet face, salty from the tears. "Oh babe, you’re not going to die. And no one, not even god above can take our love away."

"Hold me, Liam."

I held him, and kissed and caressed him. We undressed each other and I kissed all of his body. He was too weak to make love, but I pleasured him with my hands and mouth until he was relaxed and asleep in my arms. I fell asleep too, exhausted. I knew what Niall had meant about not a physical pain – I hurt with the knowledge that despite all our love, I couldn’t help him live. That exhausted me.

 

I awoke suddenly to a loud noise. The room was dark and I had the strangest nastiest feeling of foreboding. There seemed to be shouting. With mounting horror I recognised mum and dad’s voices. Of course I was late, they’d got home and found me missing, putting 2 and 2 together.

"You can’t go in there. I’ll get Liam for you!" Maura was standing her ground, but the door flew open and suddenly bright light flooded the room. Illuminating me and Niall, only in our boxers in each others arms! What a way to come out!

"Oh my good lord. Oh my lord." I was still holding Niall to me. He was still half asleep, bless him.

Mum was muttering. Dad was more direct. "Jesus Christ, what the fuck’s going on?" 'You just said fuck dad' I wanted to point out.

"Oh lord. Not my son. Not my son – a homosexual." Wow mum. Perceptive. But I was scared. I saw the anger in dad’s eyes as well as mum’s.

"Put that little bastard down and get dressed immediately you little faggot!" I flinched at dad’s words.

Bobby stepped in. "Now, let's all calm down."

Dad turned on him. "Calm down! Calm fucking down! My son is a queer and you’ve been condoning it! You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I condone nothing. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of in Niall and Liam’s love. They’re adults!"

"Not in the eyes of the law. I see it was your.. gay son who corrupted mine."

"No dad. I fell in love with Niall. I love him."

"You feel sorry for him. No wonder he’s dying. He should have died a long time ago!"

Bobby took a step forward, but I was quicker. I let go of Niall and slapped my dad across the face. "Don’t you ever say that again."

He hit me back of course, the first time I ever remember him hitting me. I felt the blood as my lip split. Niall let out a cry.

"Don’t hurt him."

"Hurt him. I’ll hurt him and if you weren’t sick, I’d knock the living daylights out of you. You little queer."

Niall tried to get up to hold me but dad pushed him back. Bobby was between him and Niall in a second, eyes blazing. "You ever touch my son again and you won’t walk out of here."

Dad turned to me. "Get dressed. I’m going to fucking kill you. You’re a disgrace to the name Payne."

"Why? Because I love a boy. Get used to it dad. I’m gay!" He hit me again.

Niall tried to get up but his dad held him. "No, Niall. Don’t upset yourself." He turned to dad. "Will you stop hitting the lad? He’s done nothing wrong."

"Call yourself a good Catholic Horan, with this going on under your roof."

"I pride myself on being a good father first. Liam’s been good for Niall, got him through it. They can’t help who they fall in love with."

"Can't they? We’ll see. Aren’t you dressed yet?" I threw on my clothes. Dad had hold of me by the scruff of my neck. He was glaring at Niall who lay sobbing into his mother’s arms.

"Take a good look at him, Liam! Because you’re never going to see him again!" He turned to Bobby. "I mean it. Keep your scum of a faggot son away from mine. Or he won’t have to wait for his illness to kill him, I will!"

"Liam!" Niall was wailing now.

"I love you Niall, remember that." I glared defiantly at my father. "Always!" Dad practically threw me into the car and drove off at high speed. Mum was crying and wailing and praying to god for forgiveness. I couldn’t believe how awful the day had been. Dad slapped me around a few times when we got home. He wanted me to say it was all Niall’s doing, that he had ‘led me astray’. It would have somehow made it easier for them to accept. But of course I wouldn’t. Because I loved Niall, it was a proper love.

"Look mum. Dad. I love Niall. We’re not hurting anyone. It's beautiful. Please.."

"Jesus Christ! You’re saying you love him and it's beautiful. You’re no son of mine!’

"I don’t think I want to be."

"You’ve broken your mother’s heart."

"I didn’t mean to but I can’t help how I feel."

"Well it doesn’t matter. Because you won’t see him again. It doesn’t matter if St. Mary's don’t want you back, because you’re going to boarding school as soon as I can fix it. Far away from Mullingar. You won’t know whether your precious Niall lives or dies."

I was speechless. I couldn’t believe they could be so cruel. I was pleased to crawl into my room and cry. And pray.

"Please god, if you do exist., just give me a sign." But there was none. I cried myself to sleep.

 

 

 

The rain woke me up, rattling on the window. I sighed and glanced at the clock. 3.30 AM. Time seemed to have stopped. I pulled my duvet over my head but the rattling seemed to get louder. It must have been hailstones or something. I got up to take a look.

I almost jumped back from the window in shock as another handful of gravel from our drive hit it! Then I saw the shadowy shape. I got a another shock – it was Niall.

He was wrapped up against the cold night in a hooded fleece with his denim jacket on top. I hurriedly opened the window.

"Niall, what the fuck are you doing here?" How he had walked the 2 miles plus I didn’t know.’

"I had to see you Liam, I need to talk."

"Come in." I pulled him through the window. "Don’t make much noise, if they catch you here.."

"I’m sorry. So sorry. Did they hurt you?"

"I’ll live and its not your fault I have homophobic bastards for parents. What are you doing here?"

"I’ve been thinking."

"Hard."

"No listen Liam, I’m really serious and it's really important. Because I’ve had an idea. You’ll think it's crazy, but we can be together."

"Go on." I could see how earnest he was.

"After they dragged you off.. I know there’s no way they’ll ever let you see me.. however sick I am! They won’t let you be with me through the treatment this time. Liam, I only made it before because of you. I could never get through it without you."

"Niall."

"Liam. It's true and you know it. This lot will be worse.. and they’ve as good as told me that without a transplant all it will do is prolong my life, not cure me. I don’t want it, Liam."

"Niall, don’t be stupid!"

"No Liam, listen to me. I’ve done research too. It's unlikely they’ll find a transplant.. if mam and dad don’t match. I don’t stand much chance of finding anyone else.. and I don’t want to lie in that room for months, shit pumped into me, feeling crap and know there’s no chance of feeling better, only death.. without you. Because I can bear the thought of dying Liam, if you’re holding me." He sounded so small and innocent, I wanted to cry. But I had to stay strong for him.

"So, what's the plan Niall?"

"We run away together. Somewhere where we can be happy."

"Niall, you’re sick. You’re supposed to start chemotherapy tomorrow. How can you? You need medical treatment."

"Liam I don’t care about that, without you I don’t want it. The way I see it.. if we’re meant to be together, god will cure me. Allow it.. and if not.. then at least I’ll die in your arms. Either way I’ll be happy.. but.. but.."

"Niall, you’re crazy."

"I’m desperate Liam. Desperate to spend what’s left of my life with you!"

"Your parents..?"

"I know it’ll hurt them.. but I’ve written them a note. If they love me, then they’ll understand its what I want and be happy for me. I’m legally an adult next month Liam."

"Jesus Niall." He had it worked out, I’ll give him that. And I knew where he was coming from. He was determined, he’d walked over two miles when he could barely walk at all.. but I was scared.

"Liam. Please."

"Ni."

He seemed to check himself. "Liam, I’m sorry. I’m asking too much. I should have seen, its too much for you. You’re the one who’ll have to look after me. I’ll go. I should never have asked."

A tear slid down his cheek, as he turned to the window. I made my decision, stupid and rash as it might have been. "Wait Niall!" He turned.

"I’ll go with you. We’ll go."

His face split into a wide grin. "You sure about this..?"

"As sure as you are." He was shaking with cold and effort. "Jesus you idiot. Get into my bed while I pack." It didn’t take me long, there wasn’t much I needed. I didn’t want any memories of my childhood, my life had begun with Niall. I turned to him. "Where’s your stuff?"

"Behind the garage at home. I have to post this letter too." I wanted to know what he’d said to the parents who adored him, how he’d told them he was going on a certain one way trip.. but I couldn’t ask some things have to be private.

I didn’t leave a note. There was nothing to say. I had no desire to rub my sexuality into their faces, they would learn I had left with Niall and have to live with it – that was enough. But I took mum’s car. I had no choice, we needed to get far away and Niall could hardly walk. Plus I needed the money I had saved for us to live on until I could get a job. I didn’t feel bad about it – in some way I felt she owed us.

We pulled into Niall’s street and I killed the lights. I felt far worse about what this would do to Maura and Bobby than my own parents – shit they had been more than parents to me. Niall insisted on getting his stuff himself and posting the note. I saw the tears in his eyes as he climbed back into the car but he gave me a smile.

"New start Liam!"

"New start Niall!" I kissed his lips and we drove off. It was a new start all right – like the beginnings of some soppy movie. Two underage gay lads, one terminally ill, angry parents, a stolen car and nothing but love and a few quid to live on – It would make a hell of a movie!

We reached the outskirts of Mullingar. I turned to Niall. "OK babe which way do we drive?"

"I was thinking Dublin. I know it's obvious and they’ll look, but it's bigger. We can hide ourselves."

"OK Niall. Dublin it is. Go to sleep babe." I set off, feeling curiously optimistic.

 

The sun was just rising over the city as I approached it. It seemed to glow. I smiled and pulled over. Despite the lack of sleep I felt OK. it must have been the adrenaline. Niall wasn’t suffering from such a rush. He’d slept almost the whole trip from Mullingar to Dublin. I looked at him in the passenger seat, his head was on one side and he had a small happy smile on his pale face. The early morning sunlight surrounded him with a glow. He looked fragile, yet strong.. but that was Niall, a mass of contradictions. I felt my insides tighten. I loved him so much. I prayed for him again.

"Hey sleeping beauty, we’re here!" I hated to wake him, but we needed to eat and make plans.. find somewhere to stay. It was going to be a busy day for us.

He yawned and stretched. "Liam. Where are we..?"

"Dublin!"

He smiled. "We really did it then?"

"Of course, don’t tell me you’d forgotten. That you came to me in the middle of the night and persuaded me to run away with you."

"No, I just thought I’d dreamed it. That I’d wake up in the hospital, with them shoving crap into me." He grinned. "You know something Liam? This is a great day and I’m hungry. Let's go have breakfast."

We had a full Irish at a small roadside café. Niall ate it all, he looked better already and I wondered if there was any truth in what he had said about if it was god’s will then he would recover – I hoped and prayed it was true. I asked the woman who served our breakfasts if she knew of any cheap places for us both to stay. She looked at me.

"Will that be bedsits or B&B’s young lad?"

"Either."

She gave Niall a probing look. "Has your younger brother been ill?"

"Yes." I didn’t correct her. Niall just stared at his plate.

"Thought so. The Dublin air will soon give him a bit of colour. Are you intending to work?"

"I am, Ni needs a bit of time to recover."

"Aye I gathered that. So you’d be better in a B&B where there’s someone to keep an eye on him for you like whilst you’re out at work. At least till he’s a bit stronger." She wrote something down on a piece of paper. "That’s my aunts place, she’s over near the docks, not a tourist place but it's clean and she’s a good cook. You might get some work there too. And she won’t ask any questions. I’ll ring her if you want."

I thought quickly. We had wanted our own place but until I had a regular income and knew how Niall would be this sounded the best option. I glanced at Ni, he nodded so I smiled. "Please."

She was back in a few seconds. "She’s got room, go right on over, here’s the directions."

"Thank you!"

"Good luck." She smiled at me and Niall. I felt she knew there was more than what I’d said.

It was a terraced street, big houses, many in disrepair but the one I pulled up at was clean and freshly painted. Niall looked out eagerly. "Our first home together."

"Shh we’ll be kicked out if anyone hears you. Come on, let's see what this is like." I knocked at the door. A woman in a her mid sixties opened it.

"Mrs Monahan? I believe your niece called you about me and my.. brother needing a place to stay for a while."

She smiled. "That she did. I’m Lily though. And you’re..?"

"Liam. Liam Donelly and this is my brother Niall."

"Come on in, have a cup of tea." Her eyes were quick and missed nothing as Naill followed me in, his unsteady step. "Mary said the young one had been ill?"

"Yes. A bad case of glandular fever but he’s no longer infectious. Just very weak."

"Aye I can see that. You’d better sit down."

She poured us tea. "I do have a room spare, it's £80 a week and that includes breakfast for both of you. There’s a small stove up there for other meals or I can cook them for extra, we can work that out. You could have a room each but I’d have to charge more."

"Sharing’s fine, we’re used to that."

"A big family?"

"Six of us." I slotted myself into Niall’s family. I had forgotten mine existed.

"Well the room’s only got a double bed. Do you mind sharing?"

I almost grinned. "Not at all."

"I don’t expect you’ll be staying long anyway, you young ‘uns never do.. but you’re welcome to it." She had a kind smile. I would feel safe leaving Niall here with her while I worked – assuming I found work! But I had enough savings for a few weeks.

She showed us the room. It was an attic room with high pointed ceilings and gable windows looking out over Dublin bay. I fell in love with it, and I know Niall did too. He stood gazing at the sea.

"The stairs wont be too much for the young one?"

"No. I’ll be fine Lily. Honest. And thanks for offering us such a great room." He won her over with his charm that minute.

"Now then lad. As long as you’re happy and well here." She smiled and ruffled his hair. "I’ll leave you to it."

The door closed and I turned to Niall. "You really like it?"

"I love it. But isn’t it too expensive? I’ve no money Liam."

"I have enough and I’ll soon get a job. You just concentrate on feeling better. Now rest while I bring the stuff up." He went back to the awesome view. Lily was singing downstairs. I took her the first 2 weeks money – so she knew we were genuine. She smiled at me.

"Thanks lad. There’s no need. I trust you."

"No take it. You don’t know us."

"You’re very fond of the young one?"

I nodded. "And he’s been mighty sick. Still not well."

"He’ll be OK now. He needs time and care. He’s a charmer and no mistake. How old is he?"

"17." I had decided on the truth for Niall and to add a couple of years to me.

"Same age as my grandson. He was like him too." There was sorrow in her voice.

"You see him much?"

"He passed on four years ago. Meningitis."

"Oh, I’m so sorry."

"You weren’t to know. You look after your brother, you hear?"

I nodded. "With my life."

"Anything you need Liam, tell me. Don’t worry about the money. That can always be sorted. Life can’t!"

"Thank you."

I felt mixed emotions as I went upstairs. Sorrow for her and her grandson and joy that me and Niall seemed to have at last had some luck. We had found a new home!

 

 

Niall was still staring out of the window when I dragged the last of our stuff up four flights of stairs – the attic was the fifth floor, great view.

"You like the view then, gorgeous?" He turned and smiled.

"It's amazing. Like looking over the world. Or being in heaven!" He bit his lip at the last words. "I guess it’s the nearest I’ll ever get. I won’t go to heaven Liam!’

"Oh yes you will babe." I stood behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his shoulder. "You’re the strongest, most brave and loving person I’ve ever met. You’ve never complained. You’ll go to heaven, honey." I kissed the back of his neck softly. "In about 80 years time with me, Niall! That sound OK?"

He gave a little laugh. I felt his body shake with it.

"I guess so Liam! I love you so much!" I pulled him even closer. I knew how much he loved me, he had given up everything to be with me. His wonderful loving family, any real hope of a cure and a normal life, a life full stop! Everything! What had I given up for him? Nothing, only a pair of homophobic twats who obviously couldn’t give a shit for me, or they wouldn’t have put me in this position. And I had gained so much more from Niall – so much love and affection! I kissed his neck again and yawned.

"Go to bed you must be knackered!"

"I am, but what about you?"

"Well I slept while you drove. I’ll just look at the view a bit longer." He turned and kissed me on the lips. "Go and sleep!"

I flopped onto the big double bed. That would be a novelty, having so much space. It would also be a novelty going to bed every night with Niall, in the same bed. I could hardly wait!

I was tired. I must have fallen asleep straight away. I half woke a while later to find Niall had covered me up and slipped under the covers with me. His soft body was pressed tightly against me. I smiled and kissed his soft hair that was tickling my nose then I spooned my body around him. He sighed contentedly in his sleep and pressed against me even more. Happy in the knowledge he felt safe I fell asleep again.

I woke again. Niall was fast asleep in my arms – he seemed to sleep that little bit deeper than anyone else. Maybe it was his illness or all the medication that was pumped into him. I had grown to recognise how Niall was feeling in his sleep, whether he was in pain or distressed or uneasy. Or like now, plain relaxed. His breathing was deep and even (sounds like a Christmas carol!) with an occasional tiny snore and every movement I made he pushed against me. I smiled to myself. Niall was obviously feeling OK and our new home needed ‘christening’.

 

I ran my hands over his chest. He hadn’t bothered to undress when creeping into bed but then again neither had I. But his shirt was quite thin and I ran my hands over his nipples. He moaned slightly in his sleep and rubbed himself against me. I smiled. My fingers crept in between the buttons on his shirt and found his soft satin skin. Wrapping one arm tightly round his waist to hold him still I started to gently unfasten the shirt buttons. Brushing the soft skin with my fingers. He moaned more loudly now but was still asleep. I couldn’t believe it. He could probably sleep through an earthquake, let alone tender loving foreplay!

With his shirt unbuttoned I drew light teasing circles round his nipples, first one and then the other. Pausing to kiss the exposed part of his neck and bit it gently. He whimpered and stretched in his sleep. I was determined to give him a thrill to wake up to so carried on massaging his now very hard nipples and moving lower with the hand that rested on his side.

My hand managed, with some difficulty to unfasten his belt – its hard one handed and my other hand was happily occupied! With no belt his jeans were way too big round the waist, he’d lost loads of weight. My hand slipped in quite easily and encountered his boxers, already damp with precum. He was aroused from just that kissing and stroking. I gently slid my hand inside the waistband of his boxers as well and came into contact with Niall. I gently but firmly stroked him whilst continuing to rub his sensitive erect nipples and kiss his neck. He began to moan louder and thrust into my hand.

Then I saw his eyes twitch and I knew the sly little sod was awake and getting some thrill out of the fact I thought I was arousing him in his sleep! With one quick movement I pulled my hand out of his underwear and pinned him gently to the bed on his back, hands over his head.

"You little liar!"

He grinned at me. "It felt so good though. Don’t stop!"

"How long were you awake..?"

"When you started rubbing my nipples. Please, I need more."

"You need more?"

"Please." He was trying to thrust his hips up to bring his aching erection in contact with me. I held him helpless, but very gently. His squirming and begging was exciting me. My own erection was aching too.

Still gently holding his hands I bent and kissed him, plunging my tongue into his willing mouth, exploring all of it. I was knelt straddling his hips our erections almost touching. From his mouth I moved down his collarbone, lightly sucking and nipping his soft sweet skin. His shirt had fallen open and I captured one dusky pink nipple in my mouth. Niall whimpered loudly and thrust his whole body upwards towards me. I teased the dark hard nub mercilessly, licking, nipping, circling with my tongue until Niall was thrashing about on the bed. Then I turned my attentions to the other one – which had much the same effect.

I spent a long time on Niall’s nipples – I was paying him back big time for pretending to be asleep, the little scamp was enjoying every second of his ‘punishment’. Then I moved down. I kissed a line to his belly button down his stomach. He always tasted so good. Then I teased his belly button a little.

By now I was laid between his legs. Trying a new tactic I moved down even further and took his jeans off. Then I slowly inched my way back his body, kissing every inch of the beautiful skin on the insides of his thighs. He lay very still, no doubt surprised by this tactic. I glanced up and saw him watching me, a little smile on his face and a curious expression.

"Feel good?"

"Oh yes," he breathed. "Like little wet butterflies landing on me!" I smiled. my nose touched his balls and I licked them. He yelped and tried, instinctively to close his legs but I held them firmly apart.

"Not yet tiger!"

I sucked one lightly. His hips bucked joyously and I knew he was near orgasm. I sucked the other and he yelped out loud. "Liam. Jesus." He was panting and I decided it was time to stop playing. Mainly because I was fucking near coming myself. I took hold of Niall’s hips to steady him and then took him in my mouth. I teased him with my tongue, swirling it around the tip, probing the slit. He could take no more and came explosively, releasing his juices which I swallowed eagerly.

He lay panting hard. A big smile on his face. I wanted to make love to him, wanted to feel myself inside his velvet walls, to be part of him. I jumped up and found my washbag with the condoms and lube in it.

"Niall. Can I make love to you?"

"As if you have to ask? Liam. I need you." He was still on his back so I lifted his legs and after preparing myself I entered him, feeling him tense until the tight muscles relaxed and allowed me entrance.

He was tight as usual. I thrust into him, knowing from the angle and his excited whimpers that I was nudging his prostate. I could also feel his second erection pressing against me. I reached into the space between us and stroked him before I felt myself explode. Niall came just after me, crying out loud, warm and sticky on our stomachs. We lay in each others arms, feeling whole once more, at least for a while.

"I love you Liam, more than anything."

"I know. Because I love you too."

He fell asleep almost immediately in my arms, head on my chest. Almost everything exhausted Niall, and I knew this passionate love making session would have really tired him out but it was obviously worth it to him, he had this tiny smile on his face. I held him and watched him sleep. The feelings running through me, indescribable. Love of course, but also sadness, pain, fear, protectiveness, anger, joy.

Niall was beautiful in sleep, his hair was now its natural dark brown colour, it had grown again and just flopped in his eyes. He was pale, the colour of a porcelain doll and almost as fragile. Of course his eyes were closed, hiding their ocean blue depths that never failed to captivate my heart but the long lashes rested on his cheeks. I wanted to take this moment and keep it captive. Keep Niall as he was. OK he might not be strong but he was alive and that was all that mattered. Alive and able to love me, to show me the love he had for me, unconditional love. Because I was very alone at that minute.

My parents might as well not have existed. They could only love me if I was what the wanted me to be. Bright, good at school, obedient, an ‘ideal’ son. The idea I was gay was obviously repulsive to them. I remembered my father’s face as he’d belted me, the hatred and then I contrasted that with Bobby and Maura’s ‘easy’ acceptance of our relationship. OK maybe easy isn’t the best word. It wasn’t easy for them, but their love for Niall came above everything else. They had accepted me, taken me into the family and how had I repaid them? Taken their son, their precious, adored child who they had fought for so much in his short 17 years and run away with him, condemning him to certain death. Because I had to be honest here. There wasn’t going to be any miracle from God, condoning our relationship, giving Niall a miraculous reprieve. And I had to be honest about the fact that Bobby and Maura weren’t going to treat me as another son if we ever came into contact again. They would think I had killed Niall, because I would have. His immediate death would be my fault. Not the illness but the fact I had prevented his life saving treatment, or at least the treatment that could save his life. I was taking his only chance away.

And then I looked at Niall again and started to think. How would I cope when he became really sick? How could I look after him and support us both? Would he suffer and how would I ease that suffering? It was practical things. He wasn’t registered with a Dublin doctor, let alone a hospital. If I registered him they would started asking all kinds of questions and we would be traced. If I took him and pretended we knew nothing about Niall’s leukemia, that he was ill that would lead to more questions. But without any kind of medical care Niall would suffer. I knew that. It was hardly the kind of thing that a couple of asprin would ease. I bit my lip. I was caught between the devil and the deep blue.

I suddenly became aware that Niall was awake in my arms, watching me with a puzzled expression in his beautiful eyes.

"Liam, what’s wrong?"

"Nothing love."

"Then why are you crying on me?" I hadn’t even realised. Hadn’t noticed that I was fucking crying. Jesus. I had to tell him, had to be ‘firm’ for his own good.

"Ni.. we have to go back to Mullingar."

His face was bewildered, like a little puppy someone’s been petting and then kicked.

"But Liam.. why? I’m happy. We like it here. You said we could afford it. We just made love."

"Niall.. what happens when you get really ill? I can’t help. You’ll be in pain and I won’t be able to help you. I won’t be able to take you to a hospital or anything. And I can’t.. bear to watch you suffer like that. They can help you in Mullingar, give you stuff for it. Maybe even save you, find you a match."

"Liam. Forget it. They can’t. There isn’t going to be any last minute miracle Liam! I’m going to die. I know that. Definitely this year. Maybe before I’m 18. I’m not afraid. I'm not ready to die, but I’m not afraid of it." I had never heard Kian talk like this, I wanted to tell him to shut up, that everything was going to be OK but I couldn’t. Because he was speaking the truth. His voice was calm and despite the silvery tears that were trickling down his face, it was steady as a rock. "And do you know why I’m not afraid of it Liam?" I shook my head. "Because I have you to hold me, stroke my hair, kiss me. To hand me over to whoever’s waiting on the other side for me. To join me when the time is right. Because our love is special Liam, and it's not wrong. I believe that."

I was crying too. Properly now.

"Ni don’t. Don’t talk like this. I don’t want to hear it!"

"Why not Liam? I have to. I’m not going to get better. We have to face it!" He looked at me. "Liam, don’t worry about the suffering. I’ll handle it!"

"Niall!"

"No Liam, listen to me. I’ve suffered, I’ve been in pain, fucking agony. Before I started that first lot of chemotherapy, when I came out of remission. I’m not trying to be brave here, I don’t know how bad its going to get – I’ll probably want to scream my head off, I’m not exactly good with pain. But.. but I can handle it Liam, believe me. Just let me tell you this, last night when your parents dragged you away I had the worst pain that I’d ever had. I hurt like never before and I didn’t know why at first – then I did. It was the thought I’d never see you again. That hurt me more than any pain. Please Liam, don’t take me back to Mullingar. I don’t want to die, without you there for me!"

Oh Jesus what could I say? What could I do? My tears continued to fall. All the time I had concentrated on being strong for Niall, there for him but now my emotions had broken through and I couldn’t hold them back.

"Niall.. I don’t want you to die.."

He smiled sadly. "I know. I don’t either but it's going to happen, and we have to face it. Not dwell on it, just accept it.." He put his arms around me. "And I know it's hard for you babe, asking you to be here for me when.. when the time comes. I’m sorry. I can understand if you.. if you want to walk away Liam."

"No way Ni. I love you. If you want this, then its what I want too. OK" He nodded. "Then no more tears and no more talking about going back to Mullingar then." I said a prayer as we hugged. That I could get him – and me through this, that the pain wouldn’t be too bad. That God would allow him one wish, to die in my arms.

We held each other a long time. I could tell from the sun that it was late afternoon. I kissed Niall’s forehead. "Go wash your face love – then I’ll take you for dinner."

He smiled. "Yours needs washing more than mine."

We needed washing all over. The evidence of our lovemaking was still on us. Deciding it would be quicker, we took a shower in the little old fashioned bathroom.

The water was hot and we stood together underneath it. I slicked Niall with the shower gel, stroking his body gently, feeling him lean against me. I could sense his excitement – just from a shower. He took my hand and guided it to his already aroused cock. I stroked it firmly and he moaned in pleasure.

"Liam. I need to feel you. Inside me." I smiled – it was hard to believe the little scamp wanted to make love again, but he did.

"Back in a sec, tiger!" I dashed to get the condoms. In the beginning it had been Niall who’d insisted on safe sex, fearing he may have picked up a problem with his blood through one of the many blood transfusions he’d had but now I was equally careful – not for myself but for Niall. I knew how susceptible he was to infections and he could easily pick up something from penetrative sex, even though I’d had no other partners, so I was very careful.

Back in the bathroom Niall pulled me to him, I grew hard at once, at the merest touch. With a sly smile on his face he slipped the condom on me, kissing me full on the lips, sliding his tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back hard and then turned him to face the wall. He braced himself as I gently eased his hips backwards. He bent slightly so his arse was at the right angle and I slipped into him easily.

He groaned with pleasure as I hit his prostate and tried to thrust backwards onto me, to push me deeper into him. I steadied him with my hands on his hips but very gently. I didn’t want to bruise him and he bruised easily.

"Liam.. Liam.." He panted my name in ecstasy. I could feel him about to come and I wasn’t even touching his cock. Then his walls shuddered and tightened around me. "Liam!"

As he came so did I. Exploding, reaching the stars then drifting down again. Minutes felt like hours as I came back to reality, still inside Niall. Still holding Niall. I kissed his wet bare back and realised that the water was still running. I turned it off and pulled Niall to me.

"You OK babe?"

"Oh yes." Water dripped down his face. He reminded me of a baby seal with those eyes.

"Come on then, get dried. I'm starving."

"So am I." He grinned. Making love had given him an appetite. "Let's explore Dublin."

I kissed him again. "Love you Niall!"

"I know. And thanks."

It was a funny thing to say, perhaps I should have asked him to explain it. But at the time I didn’t think. We dressed quickly. I made Niall dry his hair and then we were ready for a new city, for a new life – together.

 

 

 

We made our way down four flights of stairs – a hell of a lot easier than making our way back up them! I guess there’s a price to be paid for everything and a wonderful view’s no exception! Niall was in front of me and I watched him, the way his dark hair curled in the nape of his neck, the way he walked. I could watch Niall forever. I savoured every moment I spent with Niall, more so now I knew they would definitely be limited. When you’re my age you think that life’s forever. Death is for ‘old’ people. I know different now.

Lily stuck her head out of the kitchen door.

"Settled in lads?"

"Yes thanks." I couldn’t look at Niall or I would have collapsed in laughter. He had his ‘naughty’ smirk on his face. It's hard to remember, I always think of Niall as being perfect but he was a little devil before he was ill and the illness hadn’t completely taken that away, thank the lord!

"So you’re off to explore the fair city then?"

"Yep! It’s the first time we’ve really been here." And it was, without our parents at least.

"Have a good time then. Here’s your front door keys."

"Thanks."

"And if you want. I always make dinner for new guests on their first night. No extra charge like. You’re welcome to drop in. It's nothing special, just a roast." It smelt delicious. I looked at Niall, wondering if he felt like mixing with people. But he nodded eagerly and answered himself.

"That’d be great thanks. It's really kind of you."

"No trouble at all lad." She gave him a gentle smile and I wondered if she knew we were lying.

"We’ll just go have a look round, buy a few essentials."

"OK, dinner will be around seven. See you then and don’t get lost."

We drove round a bit, getting our bearings. Niall was gazing out of the window like a small excited child. Well I guess after Mullingar, it was just a bit different! I found a supermarket. The tiny kitchen section of our little bed-sitting room was equipped with an electric hotplate, kettle and a little fridge so we’d be fine. Neither of us could really cook anyway! I bought some milk and tea, juice, bread and soup. Plus some chocolate and biscuits, OK not the healthiest things, but we had to eat and at that moment I didn’t care what Niall ate as long as he ate!

I could see he was tired. "Want to go back love?"

He nodded. "I don’t want to fall asleep over dinner and it's been a hectic day. But I know you wanted to look around?"

"I can do that tomorrow, we’ll go exploring then. Come on babe." Somehow he made it up the stairs and flopped on the bed. He was asleep in seconds. I glanced at the clock, five forty five. He could have a little rest. I went to look at the view.

The sun was going down where the sea meets the sky, it was beautiful, made you forget there was a dirty bustling city behind you. There was just us in our little retreat and the view. I knew why Niall was drawn to it. You could imagine you were a bird in that great expanse of sky. Free, wild, happy! A tear slid down my face. Niall was so weak. I knew that. I had no idea of how long he could go on for but I doubted it would be long. Love was the most painful thing. When I had met Niall in that detention I could never have guessed. Would I have fallen in love with him if I’d known the heartache it would bring? I knew I would have, the pleasure and happiness he’d brought far outweighed the pain.

I had never imagined a love like Niall’s. So strong and so beautiful. I was totally captivated with him. I went to watch him sleep. He was sprawled over the bed, totally relaxed and I realised he was telling me the truth. He was happy. Death wasn’t as frightening as being without me to him anyway. I was happy yet scared – it was an awesome thought.. that I meant so much to him. I stroked his hair and he murmured in his sleep happily and snuggled close to where I was sat. I smiled.

Around six-thirty I woke him up gently. "Hey babe, you feel better now?"

"Yeah, I was tired. All that sex I guess." He grinned. "Is it time for dinner?"

"Almost, thought you’d want to get changed. And comb that hair."

He grinned. "Yes mam."

We went downstairs. Niall looked good in a dark red shirt and his good jeans. I wore navy. Lily invited us into her dining room. She introduced us to her husband Jack. "Hi lads. Lily says you’re looking for work Liam?"

"Yes sir."

He smiled. "None of that, Jack will do. I’m retired now, but I know some people on the docks. They're always looking for labourers. It's hard work, but the money’s OK."

"Sounds good to me."

"How old are you Liam?"

"Nineteen in two weeks!" The lie came easily but I hoped they believed me. I had always looked older than my age and I certainly looked older than Niall. He nodded.

"You’re old enough then. I can give them a ring." He glanced at Niall who was petting a fat Labrador dog. "Lily said the young ‘un was getting over a sickness."

"Yes. But he wont be any trouble."

"Never thought he would. Lily will keep an eye on him while you’re at work. Then when he’s better we can find him a job or is he still at school?"

Niall thought quickly. "I’ve done school cert., but I’d love a chance to do leaving cert. as well."

Jack laughed. "Thought he’d be a bright one. He’s the image of Seamus. God rest his soul. There’s plenty of schools and colleges when you’re strong enough kiddo." Niall nodded. He didn’t meet my eyes. I prayed silently.

Dinner was amazing, Lily was a wonderful cook and I was starving. What was even better for me was the total absence of antagonism at the dinner table. I was that used to fighting with my parents. This was great. Of course eating with the Horan’s was like that. Except that all of us would try not to talk about Niall’s illness, try not to watch him. No one knew here except me, we were treated normally. It was a good meal.

Niall ate well, not as well as me but more than usual. He made conversation too, about his favourite subjects at school, his music and the fat dog, called Flash who had taken a liking to Niall. All safe subjects yet I thought I saw Lily and Jack looking at Niall and exchanging glances. Maybe I was getting paranoid but I had a feeling they knew something wasn’t right. I just prayed. If they suspected something I could do nothing about it, no use worrying.

After dinner and a great apple pie and custard I offered to help clean up. Jack made Lily let me, in fact he made her sit with Niall whilst me and him did the dishes. I heard Lily telling Niall they had a piano and the next thing I knew Niall was playing her some classical. Trust Niall. We finished the pots and went to join them. Niall looked happy. I smiled. He loved his music so much.

"It was my daughters. She moved away to Killarney after they lost Seamus. It's good to hear it played again," Jack smiled. "And your brothers a fine young pianist."

Niall was playing the old Irish tunes now, traditional songs. He was singing softly in his sweet voice, he never did have much confidence in his voice. As he started ‘The Fields of Athenry’ I joined in.

 

_Low lie the fields of Athenry, where once we saw the small free bird fly_  
 _Our love was on the wing, we had dreams and songs to sing_  
 _It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry_

Lily smiled. "Well you’re a talented pair and no mistake, I bet your parents are well proud of you both." I bit my lip. My parents thought I was a disgrace and me and Niall would have broken his parents hearts. Nothing to be proud of. Niall changed the song and I knew he was thinking along similar lines.

Finally Lily stopped us. "Not that I couldn’t listen to it all night, but young Niall looks exhausted. He’ll never get well without his sleep. Thanks a lot lad, I’ve right enjoyed it."

"It's OK, thanks for letting me." He was exhausted – I could see the dark circles under his eyes that always got more pronounced when he was tired. He stood up. "And thanks for letting us stay here. I feel very welcome."

Lily smiled and ruffled his hair. "No problem lad. If you ever get fed up whilst your brother is working, just come down and see me."

I watched Niall battle with the stairs, wanting in the worst way to pick him up and carry him. But I couldn’t – he wouldn’t thank me for it. Niall was always so independent and I think that was one of the worst things about his illness – the fact he needed other people’s help. Finally he made it and threw himself onto the bed.

"Get undressed Ni."

"Can’t. I’m too tired." I pulled his clothes off, he was limp and unresisting and I knew how exhausted he was. I pulled the duvet over him, then quickly threw off my own clothes. I was knackered too. I pulled him close to me and we fell asleep, Niall in my arms, where I wanted him always!

The sunlight woke me early, Niall was still fast asleep, giving contented little snores. I made myself some tea and showered quickly. Then I sat on the window ledge watching the ships in the docks. I hoped Jack could get me a job there. I wanted to have some security, something to take care of Niall with. And also to be able to buy him presents, to spoil him a little bit. I lost myself in my thoughts.

I felt awful about taking Niall away. We had both turned off our mobiles, we were together and Niall couldn’t face talking to his family. I just didn’t want to talk to mine again ever. We’d have to turn them on again sometime, when I started working. I would want to be in contact with Niall throughout the day. It was a problem we’d have to face, and soon! But I would feel even worse about taking Niall back. I had promised him. I was caught, and no one was there to advise me.

Niall woke, blinking sleepily. "Liam!" There was a note of panic in his voice.

"I’m here love. What’s wrong?"

"Nothing. Just you weren’t there."

"I’m not going to leave you love."

"Good. I’d die without you, Liam." But he was going to die with me too. Niall was caught too.

He insisted on going down for some breakfast, that he felt OK. Lily fussed round him and with shame I found myself feeling jealous. Jealous of an old woman. I wanted to be the one to care for Niall. I was the one he loved. I had never had this feeling around his parents, I couldn’t understand it. We went out for the day. It was a warm day and Niall wanted to see some of Dublin, so we went into the city centre. We had a coffee and cake in Temple Bar, then looked at the river flowing. I bought Niall a couple of books and CDs.

"Liam. You can’t afford it. What if you don’t get a job?"

"I will babe, and you’ll be bored out of your head."

"But.."

"No buts. Anything else you’d like..?"

"A notebook. I want to write." He didn’t say what but I didn’t care. Anything to keep him happy.

"I wish I could earn some money." Niall had always had his own money but it had been a long time since he could work.

"Don’t be so silly!"

"I’m not. I hate this. I feel so useless. If it wasn’t for me, you’d be in St. Mary's now."

"Yeah pissing off Jones. Niall, I want to be with you. I want to look after you. That’s all that matters." He nodded, but I knew he wasn’t convinced.

We went back late afternoon, Niall was tired again. He lay on the bed. I was thinking, worrying.. about the car. Mum would report it stolen. If they found it here they’d get us, no doubt. Mum would do it out of spite. I had to dump it. I woke Niall and told him what I was going to do – drive to the other side of Dublin and leave it.

"Let me come with you!"

"No Ni. You’d never make it back. I’ll be much quicker. You sleep and I’ll make you some dinner when I get back. OK?" He nodded and obediently lay down. I drove for miles, wanting to put as much distance between it and where we were. Then I left it. I started the long walk home. And of course I got lost. It was gone nine when I finally staggered up those fucking stairs. Niall would be worried sick, and I was knackered. The room was in darkness but I heard Niall crying softly when I unlocked the door. He was huddled in the corner of the bed, weeping.

"Jesus Niall, what's wrong?" I ran to him, aching legs forgotten.

"I.. I thought.. you’d.. thought they found you.. and taken you back to Mullingar.. and I was alone.. and.. and.."

"Oh Niall, I won’t leave you babe. Come here." I pulled him tight into my arms. He was shaking. "Ni. Ni." He was still crying and mumbling about his phone. Finally I got it out of him. He’d finally switched his phone on to see if he could get me and of course there were loads of messages from his frantic parents and they were still calling. In a panic he’d turned the phone back off and laid in the dark crying.

I held him for a long while, till his tears had subsided and he was more settled. He insisted he wasn’t hungry but I heated some milk and forced a few chocolate biscuits into him. Actually we finished the packet. Then I took him back in my arms and kissed his tearstained face until he fell asleep. Then I just thought this was harder than I imagined it would be and it wasn’t going to get any easier.

He was quiet at breakfast. We both were until Jack came in.

"Morning Niall, morning Liam." He gave me a smile. "I’ll take you down to the docks later Liam. The lad who got my job says there’s work for you. But of course he wants a word first."

I smiled too. "That’s great, thank you." Niall looked at me, he was happy because he knew we needed a job, but I guess he realised he’d be on his own a lot more. I left him playing the guitar in our room, watching the sea.

Jason Byrne was a no nonsense man who’d taken over the haulage firm from Jack. But he had a kind face and shook my hand. "Jack says you’re taking care of your kid brother.. and need money."

"Yes."

"Well, you’re a strong looking lad. If you’re not afraid of hard work, I can use you. Start tomorrow on a week’s trial, eight to five, ten fifty an hour."

"Oh yes. That’s great." I grinned and the two men laughed.

Jack insisted on taking me for a pint.

"Thanks a lot Jack, that’s a load off my mind."

"I can imagine. I’m glad I could help. It’s a big responsibility taking care of your kid brother, especially when he’s sick. Don’t mind Lily. She just needs someone to mother."

I looked at him. How did he know what I had been thinking..? He laughed at my puzzled expression. "I could tell yesterday you didn’t want her fussing. That that’s your job. Maybe it is, but maybe young Niall needs a bit of mothering too. Maybe he misses his mum. It's not a job for his big brother, however close you are." I said nothing, just stared into my drink.

"Liam. I’m not prying. I don’t know how come you happen to be looking after your kid brother and it's nothing to do with me. I just know you’re decent kids and if we can help in any way we’d like to."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Decent! He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew the truth. I managed to nod. "Thanks."

Niall was watching the sea when I got in. I doubted if he’d moved, but he gave me a sweet smile. "How’d it go?"

"I start tomorrow. We’ll have plenty of money. It's going to be OK Ni." I knew it wasn’t, not the most important thing but I couldn’t do anything about that. Everything else was going better than I could have ever planned. I hugged Niall. "It's going to be OK."


	8. E-I-G-H-T

So life developed a pattern and the next few weeks were some of the happiest in my life. I had independence. I had a job and I had Niall.

Work was hard, fucking hard. It was lots of lifting and cleaning and other physically demanding jobs, but I was paid well for them. Jason was fair, the other lads were a laugh and on the whole I liked it. Not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, but for now it was OK. And sometimes it was a relief to go to work, the sheer physical effort of it took my mind of everything else. I would come home to Niall’s arms, grab a shower, make love to him if he was feeling strong enough. Sometimes we would go out for food, sometimes we’d eat with Jack and Lily, sometimes Niall would prepare something on the hotplate. We’d usually still have to go out, he burnt the beans or the soup. He was a terrible cook but we had fun, all things considering.

The worst bit about it was leaving Niall all day. At first he would go out for walks, exploring Dublin. I had money, could give him money for his lunch and to go to the pictures or exhibitions and for a taxi back if he got too tired. He would also spend a lot of time with Lily and Flash, playing the piano, helping in the kitchen (I hoped to god she didn’t let him cook!). He would also spend a lot of time writing songs and playing the guitar, watching soppy films and all the soap operas on the little TV in our room. He never complained, but I felt guilty.

I’d persuaded him to turn on his mobile although he only ever answered it if my name came up on his display. And often he would be crying because his mum or dad or Greg and Bressie were calling him, and he couldn’t face answering. It was a pain to him that didn’t get any easier. My mum and dad never called me, but I only answered if I knew it was Niall anyway. I didn’t want to speak to Bobby and Maura. I was scared to.

So life went on. September came around and Niall would soon be eighteen. An adult! And to my horror and initial denial he was deteriorating. He was spending much more of his time sleeping. I knew he wasn’t going out much in the day anymore. He was always ‘tired’. He stopped getting up with me and going down for breakfast at seven – I didn’t blame him for that, why get up at seven when you didn’t have to? I assumed he was going down later but after 3 days Lily stopped me when I was coming in from work.

"Liam, I’m not meaning to interfere.. but is Niall all right?"

"Why do you ask?" My defences were up.

"Because he hasn’t been down for his breakfast or anything else for three days. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him."

"He’s been a bit off it. Maybe picked up a bug." I tried to stay relaxed. Inside I was panicking.

"Well if I can help.. you know where I am!"

"Thanks." I raced up the stairs. Niall was lying in bed. To my horror he didn’t seem to have moved since that morning, when I’d left him. I looked closely at him. He looked dreadful. Pale with dark circles under his eyes and he’d lost even more weight. He didn’t open his eyes when I sat on the bed. "Ni. Ni babe."

There was no response. I reached out and shook him gently. He cried out in pain and startled I pulled back. "Niall."

He opened his eyes . "Hey Liam." His voice was weak but he was trying to sound normal.

"Niall. What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"Just a bit.. when you moved me. My joints are a bit sore."

"Sorry baby. How long have they hurt you..?"

He shrugged carefully. "Not sure. They don’t hurt when I sleep." He gave me a weak smile. I noticed the drops of sweat on his forehead. I felt him, he was clammy. It wasn’t looking good. I didn’t want to make a fuss, so I showered and made a cup of tea.

"Niall, Lily says you didn’t have any breakfast. Did you get anything at dinner..?"

He shook his head, not meeting my eyes. "I wasn’t very hungry." Again I didn’t press it, just opened a can of soup and heated it.

"Liam. I’m not hungry."

"Come on, babe. You have to eat."

He managed maybe 3 or 4 spoonfuls, then shook his head. "Sorry."

"It's OK Niall." I took the bowl and then lay alongside him on the bed.

"Maybe I’ll feel better after a sleep." I nodded, ignoring the fact he’d been sleeping for 3 days already. I gently put my arm around him.

"Go to sleep." I couldn’t believe that the end was starting, it was so sudden. Niall hadn’t picked up any illnesses or anything like that. It just wasn’t fair and it wasn’t happening. Niall would be fine in the morning.

Except he wasn’t. He wasn’t fine that night. He developed a fever. Softly crying with the pain in his joints every time he moved. I tried to get some paracetamol into him but he seemed to have trouble swallowing. Neither of us got any sleep, well Niall kept drifting off into a semi delirious doze. I didn’t close my eyes. I was beside myself that morning. I wanted to call a doctor, an ambulance, anything to try and ease his pain and discomfort but he went hysterical at the mention of it.

"Liam.. go.. go to.. work. I’ll.. be.. be OK." I could have cried.

"Niall, I’m not leaving you." When he was delirious he had begged me not to leave and I wouldn’t have anyway. But I couldn’t bear to watch Niall either. Then there was a knock at the door.

"Liam lad, you’ll be late for work."

I went to the door. "Lily."

"For the lord’s sake Liam, whatever’s the matter?" I guess I looked a mess, I’d been crying and I hadn’t slept. I didn’t have the strength to think of a lie.

"I’m not going to work, Niall’s not well."

"Do you want me to look at him?" I shrugged, but moved aside. I don’t think she’d have gone without seeing Niall anyway, she’d heard his whimpers. And I needed someone.

"Oh my good lord." She sat on the edge of the bed and felt his forehead. I don’t know if he was aware she was there. Then she looked at me. "This isn’t the after effects of glandular fever, Liam. Phone for an ambulance."

I shook my head. "I can’t."

"Do you want him to die..?"

"No. But I promised him, he doesn’t want to go to hospital. They can’t help him anyway. He’s going to die."

"Liam, what's wrong with him? And the truth please."

"Leukemia. But he doesn’t want treatmeant. And I don’t know what to do."

If she rang for an ambulance I’d be stuck. But she looked at Niall again. "Easy lad. I know it hurts. I’m not going to move you." Her voice was soothing, then she turned to me. "OK, main things to make Niall more comfortable, then we need to talk. Go and get Jack."

I did as she asked. He gave me a curious look and shook his head at the sight of Niall. Lily told him as much as she could in a few terse sentences. Then she turned to me.

"Liam. I’ll write down some stuff I’ll need from the pharmacy if I’m going to help you look after Niall. Jack will take you."

"No. You’ll call the paramedics while I’m gone, take him away from me.. and he doesn’t want that."

"Liam, I won’t. But you have to trust me. I want to get Niall coherent again, then he can tell me what he wants. Remember you’ve lied to me once. I want to help him – and you." I knew she was telling the truth. I felt ashamed of the lies I’d told and I meekly took the list and pulled on my jacket. I left her sponging Niall’s forehead and comforting him.

It was a long list. Soluble Codeine tablets, the paracetamol syrup you buy for young children, meal replacement drinks, Lucozade and other stuff. Jack said very little, I thought he was angry but as I climbed into the car, he patted my arm. "I’m praying for the lad, Liam."

My mobile went off. I looked at the display ‘private number’ but I had to answer it – it might be Lily.

"Liam. Thank the lord. Why the fuck haven’t you or Niall answered our calls? We’ve been worried sick. Look, don’t hang up on me!" It was Greg.

"Greg, I’m sorry.. but .. but Niall wanted.. we wanted to be together."

"I know. No one’s blaming you Liam. We’ve been trying to get hold of you. Niall has to come back to Mullingar now."

"He doesn’t want to." He wasn’t capable of it.

"No, listen Liam, we’ve got a donor. The bloody hospital in Derby finally got their finger out. Bressie’s an almost perfect match for Ni. He’s on his way over now. He tested over there."

I could have cried. "Greg. Niall’s really sick. I think it's too late."

"Don’t even think that. Don’t fucking think that! Just get him to Mullingar. Where are you?"

"I can’t tell you Greg. Not without talking to Ni. And I can’t bring him back either. It's up to him."

"Liam! It’s his only chance."

"I’m sorry, but he’s his own person Greg. I respect his decision."

"Liam. Sometimes you have to ignore what a person wants.. for his own good. Please bring him back."

"I’m sorry." I was crying now, then to my relief my battery died and I didn’t have to carry on the conversation. Jack didn’t ask me any questions, just got me back to Niall.

Lily took the bag. "Good lad."

"How is he..?"

"No worse. Let's get something in to him to take away the pain. Jack, dissolve a couple of those tablets. Liam, sit him up gently."

"Liam. Please.. my back hurts.. and my side.."

"I know love. Swallow the medicine Niall. It's going to help. Come on Niall, swallow." He finally swallowed. Sobbing that he was sorry for being a nuisance. I held him as tight as I dared. Lily made him swallow the syrup too and then have a drink of water. Jack was filling a hot water bottle for Niall’s back. All I had to do was hold him.

His left side was hard and slightly swollen, I knew it was his spleen and not a good sign but the syrup was bringing his temperature down and his whimpering was less so I gathered his pain was easing too. He fell into an uneasy sleep leaning against me. I lay him down gently, and looked at Lily.

"I think it's time you told us the truth Liam." There was no accusation in her voice, just genuine sympathy and the desire to help. I scrubbed at the tears in my eyes. I owed her the truth, she’d helped Niall. He was laid on his side curled up asleep. I nodded.

"I’m sorry we lied. Niall has Acute Myeloid Leukemia. He had it when he was a child and when he was 17 it came back. He’s been in remission but well.. it didn’t last. His only chance was a bone marrow transplant. I didn’t match. Neither did his parents. So we.. we decided to run away."

"Why?" Lily’s voice was gentle but she didn’t understand.

"Because.. because.." She was going to throw us out, I knew that but I had to tell her. I hadn’t the energy to think of another lie. "We’re not brothers Lily, we lied again. I.. Niall.. we’re.. we love each other. We’re gay and it’s the only way we can be together. My parents tried to stop us seeing each other. They’ll send me away. Niall.. Niall wanted to be with me before he died. I know.. we’re dirty and evil and we’ll go." She was looking at me. Shocked maybe or even horrified. I stood up but she touched my arm.

"Stay with Niall, you don’t want to scare him."

"But.. don’t you want us to go?"

"No. I can’t say its something I approve of but.. all that matters is keeping the little lamb comfortable for now."

I smiled at her gratefully and she smiled back. She handed me the facecloth. "Wipe his face. Get him to drink and I’ll make us a cup of tea." Niall was quiet and calm. He stirred and gave me a weak smile.

"How you feeling?"

"Not as sore. Tired though."

"You scared me."

"Sorry."

"Just sleep. I’ll be right here." I kissed his forehead, then looked at Lily and Jack. "Sorry."

"It's OK, he needs you. So how long have you.. loved each other?"

"Since we were 16, since the day I saw him. I never thought I was gay, I don’t fancy boys. Just Niall and it's far more than physical."

"But your parents..?"

"Caught us in bed. They hate Niall."

"And Niall’s parents..?"

"They don’t care as long as Niall’s happy. They’re great. Obviously it's not what they wanted, but Ni comes first."

"And so he should." Lily smiled. "Why don’t you lay down and sleep too. I’ll keep an eye on Niall."

"Thanks. Where shall I sleep..?"

"Why not here? Next to Niall, do him the world of good."

"But it's not fair. You.."

"We’ll get over it." I climbed under the covers and cuddled Niall. I heard Jack whisper to Lily, then he ruffled my hair and left the room. I looked at Lily in surprise. She smiled.

"Now sleep whilst he’s quiet. And Liam.. you were wrong. You’re not dirty and evil. You just fell in love. It might be the wrong love in our eyes but it's still love. And it's never evil or dirty." And despite everything I smiled. We weren’t alone!

 

 

 

Despite everything I slept for a while. and didn’t dream. I felt safe with my arm around Niall, no one could take him away and I knew Lily and Jack would protect us both.

It was late afternoon when I awoke. Lily was sat by the bed watching us both sleep. as I awoke I saw the tears in her eyes. I guess it must have been a shock to her, to find out about me and Niall and Niall’s illness. I was so sorry we’d lied. Her and Jack were so nice. So kind. I felt a tear slide down my face. Niall was laid beside me, breathing steadily.

"Now then Liam, how do you feel now?"

"Better for the sleep thanks. How’s Niall..?"

"Never stirred bless him, he’s fast asleep. I reckon he’s not hurting as much now."

"Thank god. No, thank you." Another tear slid down my nose.

"What's the tears for lad..?"

"Because I’m sorry. Sorry I lied, that we lied to you but.. but.."

"I know lad, you had to. And it's OK, I don’t bear a grudge. But we need to talk Liam, about what’s best for Niall."

"I know." It was a conversation I didn’t want to have.

She reached over and patted my shoulder. "I’m going down to make some tea. Then we’ll talk." She went and I was left alone with Niall. Kissing his hair I carefully slid out of bed and went to look at the view. The sea was calm, unlike my raging emotions.

A quiet moan from Niall brought me back to reality.. and to his side. He was trying to sit up. "Ni. Don’t move."

"I’m OK Liam. Just a bit sore and I need the loo – badly!" He looked more alert than he had done before.

"Shall I find something for you to..?"

"Jesus no Liam. Just help me to that toilet. I’ll be OK." I practically had to carry him, he was so weak but we made it and then I got him back to bed.

"What happened, Liam..?"

"You don’t remember?"

"I remember it hurting. Lots of pain."

"Lily gave you some stuff, only from the pharmacy but it helped."

"I guess she knows then.. about me being ill?"

"And the rest." He looked scared. "Ni I had to tell her, I wasn’t going to lie any more." He nodded.

"OK. Does she want us to leave..?"

"No. She doesn’t approve but we can stay. But she wants to talk about you. What’s best for you."

He sighed. "No one knows that. I want to be with you Liam, that’s all I know, all I care about."

"I know baby." I hugged him.

Lily came in a few minutes later. I saw the relief on her face that Niall was awake and coherent. "How you feeling now lad..?"

"Better, thanks to you."

"You need some more medicine." She poured him some and he drank it without protest. "You feel up to talking?"

Niall nodded. "If Liam makes me a cup of tea, I’m thirsty." I grinned and did as he asked, I made me and Lily one too. Then we sat round the bed.

"Right Niall, Liam’s told me what’s wrong with you. And a lot of the other stuff as well. I want what’s best for you."

"Liam. He’s what's best for me."

She smiled at that. "I meant for your illness."

"That’s what I mean too. Lily. I’m not a child. I know that I’m going to die. That there’s not much of a chance of living even if they find a suitable donor. And that if I go back to Mullingar for a transplant, Liam’s parents will take him away. I can’t live without him Lily – he’s all that matters. I don’t want that transplant with the knowledge it might not work and that I gave away time with Liam for it. Anyway, it's not going to happen. They won’t find a donor."

"But if they did? You have a chance of recovery, a normal life again."

"Yeah, like I had before. It lasted five years.. and I don’t want a normal life without Liam. I’d rather die knowing he was with me." His voice was very small, and yet very strong.

Lily looked at him, then at me, then back to Niall. "You’re saying you want to die? That you don’t want any treatment to extend your life, maybe even save your life."

"Not if that life doesn’t have Liam in it!"

There was a long silence. Then she took a deep breath. "OK Niall, I respect your wishes.. but we have to sort something to try and stop you suffering. When are you 18, Niall?"

"In 3 days!"

"Then you can legally refuse treatment. We can get you medical help but explain that you want to stay here, that you only want pain relief."

"No. I don’t want them contacting Mullingar, tracing me."

"They can’t, your information is confidential. Niall I’m willing for you to stay here, to help Liam look after you. But it's not going to be easy. If we can get even a little help.. to.. to.." She was searching for the right words, what were the right words anyway?

"To help me die with dignity." Niall was very upfront – he always had been with his illness.

"Yes, with as little pain as possible. Will you think about it Niall?"

He nodded. She gave him a gentle smile. "Niall, I will never go against your wishes, or Liam’s. You’ve already given up too much to lose each other now."

He reached for her hand. "Thank you."

She wiped away a tear. "OK, I’m going to make you one of these drinks instead of dinner. Try and drink it Niall, and Liam, you can have dinner with Jack. You have to eat properly too." I nodded, it was nice to have someone caring. Niall cared of course but there was nothing he could do. I sat holding Niall’s hand for a long time, wondering how to tell him about Greg’s call.. about Bressie – because he had a right to know.

"Spit it out Liam!" His voice cut through my thoughts.

"Spit what out?"

"Whatever’s bothering you. I can tell, Liam."

"OK. While I was going to get you your medicine.. I got a call and I answered it. I thought it might be Lily. You were really sick."

"I know. Go on."

"It was Greg." He tensed. "Asking why we didn’t answer the phone. That they were worried sick."

"I don’t want to know Liam, I don’t want to feel any more guilty than I do."

"No Niall, the main thing he wanted me to know.. is.. is that Bressie’s bone marrow matched yours. They tested him in Derby. He was flying right over. They want you to go home Ni, give it a shot."

He bit his lip. "What about you Liam, what do you want?"

"You to live Niall, you know that."

"All I want is you Liam. I don’t want to live without you. And.. and it could be too late anyway."

"You won’t know unless you try."

"What did you tell Greg..?"

"Nothing, my mobile ran out."

"If we go back to Mullingar Liam, that’s it. No more me and you.. and it might not work. I want to stay here."

"But you’ll die here Niall!" I was getting frustrated. The timing had been great, Greg’s call had coincided with a major realisation that Niall didn’t have long. That a parting was imminent.

"Everybody dies Liam. I’m just going a bit early. It's not the fact we die - it's how. And I want it to be with you Liam, in your arms. Not in some hospital. Unable to see you, hear you, feel your arms around me. Please, don’t take me back."

I nodded. I wanted to give it a shot, to battle with mum and dad, but I knew what Niall was thinking. That he’d die before I won.. and he didn’t want to risk it. But I had to respect his wishes too. I may have held his heart: His body and mind were still his own.

"Thanks. I’m sorry Liam.. but.." he yawned. "I’m so tired I’ll have to sleep."

It wasn’t what he was about to say and we both knew it, but I smiled and kissed his forehead. A few minutes later he was breathing steadily and I knew he was fast asleep. Away from the pain and fear, for at least a short while.

 

 

Niall seemed brighter the following day. He and Lily insisted I went back to work. I didn’t want to but I needed the money. Jack had called Jason, explained that ‘my brother’ was ill and I still had a job. I knew Niall was safe with Lily. She’d promised to call me if Niall’s condition changed, and I trusted her. It didn’t stop me worrying though. Around noon my phone rang. I jumped and rushed to answer it. It was Niall. He sounded weak, but I smiled at the sound of his voice.

"Hi love."

"Hiya babe. What you up to?"

"Nothing. Just had some soup that Lily made. I’m laid in bed watching TV."

"You still hurting?"

"More aching than actual pain. I’ll be OK, what you doing..?"

"Moving crates."

"Can’t wait to feel your muscles!" He chuckled softly.

"Cheeky little bugger. I’d better go."

"OK, just wanted to let you know I love you."

"Love you too babe." I smiled. and returned to work. But despite the calls that were meant to reassure me I was glad, more than glad to get home. Yes, it was home now! Lily was in the kitchen, and she saw my worried look.

"It's OK lad, Jack’s sat with him."

"How is he?"

She gave a sad smile. "Poorly. And denying it! Keeps smiling as if that’s going to make it all right. Never complains. Poor little lamb."

I nodded, the words sticking in my throat. "Is.. is he still in.. pain..?"

"Says not. Just says he aches and his tired." I could tell she was sceptical at this. "I made him take some medicine though."

"I’ll go up and see him!"

Niall was on his side, curled up into a ball – he seemed to be asleep. Jack was staring out of the window at the view that entranced both me and Niall I gently placed my hand on Niall’s forehead. He was slightly warm but not too bad, a bit sticky too. He stirred slightly and curled up even tighter. Jack came over to me.

"He’s been asleep for a couple of hours now, said he was a bit tired like." I smiled – that was Niall all over.

"How’s he been?"

"He wanted his notebook earlier. Did a bit of writing. Then we had a little talk, about the sea and the view."

"Jack, thanks for helping with Ni. For letting him stay here. Me stay here."

"That’s no problem. I told Niall that earlier too."

"But it’s a lot of work.. and we lied to you."

"Aye, but you could hardly have told us the truth straight up like. And maybe the Lord brought you here. Because you needed our help."

"You’re just about the first person who hasn’t blamed Niall’s illness onto the fact we’re gay. You know, forbidden love and all that!"

"Liam, I might not approve of yours and Niall’s relationship but I don’t believe god would punish it either. He allowed you to fall in love in the first place. It's fate Liam, bad luck. Not God’s wrath!" And he hugged me! I felt safe. If only my parents were as understanding. This might have been so much easier.

"Anyway, now you’re here I’ll go. Give you some time alone. I’m not one for playing gooseberry!" He left us and I sat beside Niall. He was still asleep. I gently took his hand. He made a little noise and tried to edge closer. I smiled and studied him.

His hair was longer, flopping over his closed eyes like it used to, only this time it was dark brown, not blond. He was pale, almost white and there were very dark circles under his eyes. Closer up I could see they had a reddish tint and I knew it wasn’t a good sign. He looked small curled up under the duvet. No substance, fragile as if his life was slowing draining from him, which it was!

I sat and watched him a long while, noting every twitch and sigh. I remembered him as he used to be, laughing. Teasing. Throwing himself about the football pitch or the basketball court. Arguing with Drake. Singing. Making love to me. It made it hard to think of Niall as he was now but at least I had the memories, almost two years worth. The best two years of my life – when I had really started living. Suddenly his hand tightened in mine and he groaned.

"It's OK Ni." I squeezed his hand gently and brushed the hair out of his eyes.

"Liam." He opened his eyes fully and focused on me. "How.. how long you been there?"

"'Bout half an hour!"

"You should have woken me."

"Nah, you’re cuter asleep." I teased him. "How you feeling?"

"Tired. I ache a bit and I’m bored."

"How can you be bored when you’re asleep?"

"That’s why I sleep!"

"Oh yeah? I know Jack’s been with you."

"He’s great but every so often I get so exhausted."

"I know babe. I know."

"How can anyone get so fucking tired at seventeen Liam?"

I shrugged. "I don’t have the answer to that one! Anyway you’re not seventeen much longer. Soon be eighteen and ancient! Just like me."

He smiled. "Never thought I’d be spending my 18th birthday like this!"

I bent and kissed him. "Don’t worry about it!"

He nodded and gave me the sweetest smile. "I love you Liam!"

"I know. I love you too." I felt a tear and quickly changed the subject. "So what you been doing then?"

He gave a chuckle. "Not a fucking lot! I talked to Lily. I talked to Jack. Watched some crap TV. Wrote a song. Slept!"

"Better than my day. I shifted some crates. Shifted more crates. Got a splinter in my finger!"

"Can I kiss it better?" I offered him my little finger. He gently kissed it and gently sucked it into his warm wet mouth. It felt good, but I had to stop him before I got too excited.

He sighed and lay back. "You know Liam? That’s one of the worst things. Knowing I won’t make love to you again. I guess that’s one of the worst bits, full stop, about knowing you’re going to die. Thinking of all the things you’ll never do again. Like getting up on stage, singing. lying in the sun. Watching the sea. Making love to the most wonderful person on earth." I blushed at that. "If you got run over by a bus, you wouldn’t have time to think."

"Niall, please. Don’t think. Not like that."

"I can’t help it Liam. I’m not scared of dying. It's losing everything. Losing you. And today, every time I fell asleep I was scared I wouldn’t wake up. Because I know it's going to happen sometime Liam." I didn’t know what to say. I held his hand.

"I’m just worried. Worried I’ll die when you’re not here Liam."

"Niall. I will be here. Jack and Lily will call me if you get worse and I’m not. Plus I don’t think you’ll die just like that Ni." Actually part of me wished he would, not without me, but quietly, calmly in his sleep – but I knew it was unlikely.

He nodded and yawned. "Liam. Do you mind if I close my eyes..? I’m.. so fucking.. tired.. and I don’t feel as sick with my eyes closed."

"You just rest, babe!" When he was asleep I took a shower. I felt more exhausted by that short conversation with Niall than the full day’s work. ‘Please God. just make it easy for Niall. No pain.. no fear.. for us both.’ But I had a feeling it wouldn’t be.

Niall woke up later. I washed him gently and made sure he drank the meal replacement that Lily made. To my surprise he kept it down and even managed some jelly and ice cream. He grinned.

"That’s the one good thing about being ill. I get spoiled!" He looked so cute and cheeky. So Niall! There was still a lot of fight left in him.

 

 

 

I woke up on Niall’s birthday with mixed feelings – happy he was still with me, sad that he was coming of age under these circumstances.

He was laid next to me in bed, still asleep. He’d had quite a good night, in fact he’d been OK for the last day or so. Well not OK, tired and sore as usual, but the medicines seemed to be taking the worst of the pain away and his temperature down and I guess I couldn’t expect more than that, not at this stage.

I had begged Jason for the day off for Niall’s birthday. I had told him part of the truth, that Ni was seriously ill and probably wouldn’t get better. Not that we were lovers, he still thought Niall was my younger brother. Anyway he’d agreed and I got up early. I had some shopping to do! Niall was still able to get up a bit at this stage and Lily and Jack were going to coax him downstairs to watch a video, so I sneaked in the back way with my surprise!

I filled our room with flowers. Red roses, white roses, red carnations. Then I put up loads of balloons, red and white, some plain, some heart shaped, some saying ‘Happy Birthday’ and some saying ‘I love you’.

OK I know its soppy but I knew Niall would appreciate it – after all, there was precious little in his life to make it brighter. Plus no doubt he’d be thinking of his family – I know he missed them bitterly. It was finally done. I had Niall’s present in my pocket so I slipped downstairs and watched the end of the film with them. Then I spoke casually.

"Are you coming up Ni? I have your birthday card up there."

"And I thought you’d forgotten!" He got to his feet slowly. "Come on then."

 

It took a while to get up the stairs, with me practically carrying Niall, he was all in. But we eventually made it! I threw open the door. "Happy Birthday babe!" He stood one hand on the door frame, one arm round me for support. I saw his expression change from surprise to amazement to a big happy grin!

"Oh Liam.. wow!" He smelt the roses then turned to me, tears in his eyes. "Thank you Liam.. so much."

I held out the little velvet box. He looked at me and opened it. It was a silver cross, very plain and simple with his name on one side and the words ‘Love is eternal’ on the other. Then the tears started to fall properly.

"Liam. It's beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as you sweetheart." I fastened it round his neck, feeling him shake with emotion. Then I kissed his nose. "I love you babe." He didn’t answer, just kissed me back. I had to pull away after a few kisses, because I had another surprise for him. I pulled another box out of my pocket. I was nervous. I didn’t know how this was going to go.

"Niall, I love you. I can’t tell you that enough.. but in this country.. It's hard to make any real sign of commitment." He gave me a questioning look. I continued "If the circumstances had been different, then I’d be waiting till we could go to a place where this was recognised. But they’re not.. and.. and I want you to know how much you mean to me. How there’ll never be anyone like you for me. Ever. I want.. I want you to be my.. partner.. for life!"

He gave me a little smile. "Sounds like a proposal to me?"

"I guess it is. Of a sort. I know it's not marriage, that we can’t marry. But.. but." I couldn’t say any more. I opened the box. Inside were 2 white gold wedding band style rings, engraved with a Celtic design. They were inscribed with ‘Niall – Liam 13-09-2011’ Niall reached out and touched one wonderingly.

"Will you Niall?" I was starting to worry.

"I’d love to Liam. I’d say you got the worst deal though. Life’s not exactly going to be a long time where I’m concerned."

"It is to me honey." I touched his face. "You’ll always be right here. In my heart!"

I know it was only symbolic, but those rings meant so much. I slipped the smaller one onto Niall’s wedding finger and he put the other on mine.

"Now we’ll always be together." He looked at the ring and smiled, then touched the cross.

"Liam. I never want these taking off me. You know what I mean. I want to be buried with them."

"Whatever you want honey." It was the first time he had expressed any wishes for after his death. It seemed to finalise it.

I pulled him close, kissing him. "Oh Jesus, Ni."

"Don’t Liam. Let's not be sad today. Let's be happy. I’m here. We’re together."

I wiped away the forming tears. "OK baby." He was right, of course. There would be plenty of time to cry later. He sat on the bed. I sat next to him, arm round his waist. There was no need for words. He lay his head on my shoulder. I don’t know how long we sat like that. Then there was a hesitant knock on the door.

"Come in!"

It was Lily and Jack, who else would it be? Lily had made Niall a cake. "Happy Birthday Niall love!"

He grinned. "Thanks, that looks great!" Jack smiled and handed me a bottle of champagne.

"Well, you can’t turn 18 without celebrating!"

Lily shook her head. "As long as he isn’t sick!"

"Oh, I won’t be." Niall reassured her – he gave a wicked grin. "Although I do throw up after about 10 vodka’s usually."

"And we don’t want to know about your delinquent habits, thank you very much." Lily’s grin matched Niall’s. Jack handed him a glass of champagne.

"What shall we drink to?"

"How ‘bout a happy 18th for me? After all, it is my birthday."

"OK happy birthday." Jesus it was so double edged. It should be so happy. Yet it was also so very sad. Very, very sad!

I looked at Niall and our eyes met as he looked back.

Jack caught the poignant glance. "How about drinking to love?"

I gave him a smile. "Definitely. I’ll drink to that!"

"To love!" It echoed round the room.

"Well, aren’t you going to give him a birthday kiss then?"

I looked at Lily in surprise. I realised she was trying so hard to overcome age old prejudices.

"Yeah, kiss me. I’m feeling neglected." Niall put on his ‘lost soul’ look – we all laughed. Then I pulled him close, wrapping my arms around him tightly, kissing his soft lips. Not too sexual, though. I didn’t want to give Lily and Jack a heart attack. He nestled against me. It was beautiful.

Jack saw the rings. "I guess congratulations are in order."

Niall broke away and grinned. "Yep. I’m spoken for."

"Good on youse. Come on, let's leave the love birds alone! Remember what it's like to be young and in love?" They went downstairs, leaving me and Niall.

"What do you want to do, babe?"

He lay back on the bed and gave me a wicked smile. "Make love to you!"

"Niall.."

"No really. Nice and slow and gentle. To feel your hands on me. You moving in me. Please Liam. It won’t hurt me.. or do I have to beg?"

"No, love, never." I pulled him to me and kissed him slowly, undoing his jeans. Sliding my hands under his shirt. He trembled at my touch.

I had an idea. Stuff I had bought and never thought we’d use. When Ni was down to his boxers I turned him on his stomach.

"Liam. I want to see your eyes."

"And you will. This is just the start."

I scrambled in the drawer and found some massage oil I had bought to help Niall relax. Warming it in my hands, I began to gently but firmly rub it into his pliable skin. Up and down the length of his back, into the knotted muscles. He groaned in appreciation. I reached the waistband of his boxers and removed them with one pull. Rubbing the cheeks of his arse, slipping my hands under him to touch and tease his cock. He whimpered and wriggled. Then I massaged his thighs, all the way down his calves and to his feet.

I flipped him over onto his back. His head was thrown back and eyes closed in ecstasy. Slowly my hands crept up his legs and between his thighs. Fingers just brushing his balls. Massaging his groins.

"Uh. Liam. I’m going to come."

I looked. He was well aroused. "Hold it tiger." I reached back into the drawer for the condoms and lube and some rose petals. I don’t know what had made me buy them, but I scattered a few over the bed. Then I bent down and took him into my mouth, sucking and licking.

He came instantly, with a little cry. I prepared myself and entered him slowly and gently, a fraction at a time. Watching him carefully for any sign of pain. But he thrust towards me eagerly and wrapped his legs around me. Wanting me deeper in him, wanting to become one. I climaxed quickly. Niall came again at the exact same moment and then we laid breathless, entangled in each other.

"I love you Niall Horan."

"I love you Liam Payne." Niall picked up the almost full bag of rose petals and tossed them in the air. They rained down on us like a pink and white snow shower or confetti. I laughed at Niall, he could be such a kid. Then I pulled him down onto the bed and into the sea of soft sweet pink and white.

We must have fallen asleep. I woke up first as the sun was setting. Its glow cast a light on our bodies. I smiled at Niall, he was still asleep, the delicate pink and white flakes clinging to his sweat slicked skin. He looked angelic.

I moved to the window to gaze at the sunset. It was beautiful. Orange and amber and gold and red. Reflecting off the sea that was for once calm. "You see Liam.. endings can be beautiful too. Death can be beautiful."

"What do you mean?" I hadn’t heard Niall get up.

"The day’s dying.. and look at it." He came and stood in front of me so I could rest my chin on his shoulder. "If I die in your arms it's going to be beautiful. It couldn’t be anything else."

"Niall. How are you able to see it like that?" I wasn’t shocked. Just amazed. It was the end of his life he was talking about so calmly.

"I’ve had a lot of time to think Liam. And let's face it, it's my decision. I could have taken a chance to live. Without you, it wouldn’t be life.. and it wouldn’t be glorious like this. You make me whole Liam. And I’d rather die whole now than in pieces later. Look at Drake. I bet he’s over fifty and I bet he’s never felt the way I do now in his whole life.. and I’m 18. I’ve had so much."

"Oh Niall. How do you feel now..?"

"Alive Liam, every inch of my body, every nerve. I feel loved and beautiful and whole. That my living has made an impact on this world. On someone. That I haven’t just existed."

I turned him to face me. I saw the courage in his eyes – and the tears. "Oh baby. You have made such a difference. To me. To my life."

"Good. I’m glad.. and Liam baby. You have to carry on after I’m gone. You understand that?"

"Yes Niall." I wanted to change the subject.

"No, don’t just say yes. I mean it Liam. You have to live and enjoy life and make the most of it. Because you have to live it for me too. I’ll be with you always. But.. I want you to love again. I know I’ll always be your first love. I don’t want to be your last."

"Niall!"

"Promise me Liam, that you won’t hide from love. That if it happens you’ll accept it, because I want you to be happy. I’ve done an awful lot of thinking about this. I need to know."

"Niall. I can’t think about this now. I’m trying to handle losing you."

"You won’t lose me Liam." His voice was strong. "You can never lose me."

"OK baby."

"Then you’ll.."

"If I ever meet anyone a quarter as brave and strong and special as you then I’ll fall in love, it just won’t be the same love."

He seemed satisfied by that. He kissed me. "I can go a lot happier now."

"And I promise you Niall. I’ll never be ashamed of our love, never deny it. That if I go back to Mullingar I’ll walk down the streets with my head held high."

"Good.. but then you’ll be a hell of a lot braver than me." He gave a weak smile and I knew he was tired. "Now that’s sorted.. I’ll think I’ll have a nap before supper."

I had to smile as he made his way back to bed, rose petals sticking to his bare arse. I probably looked the same. I could still smile. Niall had that effect on me. I knew there’d never be a love quite like this. Not in a lifetime!

 

 

 

The next couple of days were relatively quiet. Niall slept a lot, took his medicine and things seemed on an even keel. But I guess it was like living on a knife edge. We were all waiting.. for something, for Niall to.. die. And it was tense.. waiting for something to happen. But we didn’t have too long to wait.

Niall was very restless one night. Tossing and turning. His temperature was a little high too and for the first time the paracetamol syrup didn’t bring it down. I was very anxious but he gave me his usual smile over the edge of the duvet.

"Go to work Liam. I’ll only sleep anyway."

"Niall."

"Liam, you can’t do anything. So I’ve got a temperature? Big deal. I’ll be fine. Now go!" Reluctantly I did so. But I knew something was wrong. You know, the gut feeling you get in the bottom of your stomach. Just before dinner I got a call.

"Liam love, it's Lily."

"What’s wrong? It's Niall isn’t it?"

"Yes. I think you’d better come home. Now don’t get worked up, he’s not that bad yet. But he’s asking for you." I rushed to Jason and explained things, He was very sympathetic and told me to go, in fact he ran me home himself. I was beside myself but I tried to stay calm. All the time I was praying for Niall to hang on.

Jack was in the kitchen. "Lily’s with him lad."

"What’s wrong with him..?"

Jack shrugged. "He’s really hot, and his bones hurt. The pain killers aren’t working too well. Poor little bugger." He blinked and turned away so I wouldn't see the tears – except I did.

I nodded and ran up the stairs. All four flights of them. I said a quick prayer and crossed myself outside the room and then went in. Niall was laid curled up on his side, his head on Lily’s lap. His whole body was trembling and I could tell he was in pain. Lily was gently sponging his forehead and talking to him.

"Now look who’s here lad. Your boyfriend." She was trying to be matter of fact, not scare Niall. Not scare me. Because I was scared.

Niall licked his lips. "Fiance.. please. Not.. just.. boyfriend." He forced a smile. "Liam."

"Yep, unless you were expecting someone else!"

"No. Just you. It's always been.. just you." He tried to raise his head. "Oh shit." He started to retch. Lily quickly pushed a bowl under his head and he threw up. Well, it was mainly dry heaves.

"It's OK Niall. Now be a good boy and lay down. You know the nausea goes when you don’t move."

"Wanted.. to.. see.. Liam."

"Well he can sit and hold you a bit." I didn’t need telling twice. I slid under Niall and supported his head. He was burning up with fever and his eyes were far too bright. But I placed a cool damp cloth on his forehead and held him.

"Liam."

"Niall. Don’t try to talk."

"I feel.. shite.. Liam. I’m sorry.. but I hurt."

"I know baby. I know. Just think of nice things."

"You."

I smiled. "If you want."

He soon drifted into an uneasy doze. I knew he would soon be awake again and I wanted to cry. Lily touched my shoulder. "Liam. I know how hard this is. But I think.. I think it's time you called a doctor?"

I held him tightly. "No. He doesn’t want to go to hospital. To die in there."

"He doesn’t have to! But he has to tell the doctor himself. While he still can. You’re not his next of kin Liam."

I knew what she was getting at. "But Lily.. what can a doctor do?"

"Give him stronger painkillers. Try and get his temperature down. Stop him dehydrating. He’s thrown up a lot this morning."

She was making sense. I knew that. But it wasn’t my decision.

"When Ni wakes up.. I’ll ask him."

"Try and make him see sense Liam."

"I will."

I watched him sleep restlessly, not deeply enough to take the pain away – that much was obvious so I held him close and prayed, because I knew he wouldn’t take kindly to the idea of calling a doctor. But I had to make him see that he had no choice. After a short while he let out a little moan and opened his eyes. "Liam!"

"Shhh I’m here baby.."

"I’m sorry.. for disturbing you at work."

"That doesn’t matter. You needed me. How are you feeling?"

"Shite. I hurt Liam.. a fucking lot."

"I know that honey." Actually, it must be worse than I’d feared because Niall wouldn’t usually admit pain. "Ni love. Listen to me now. Lily.. and I.. we think we should get you a doctor."

"No!" His voice had more strength. "I’m not going to die in hospital Liam!"

"You don’t have to! You’re an adult Ni. You can make that decision. You can tell the doctor that. But if you get much worse Ni.. you might not be able to. And I can’t Niall. I’m not your next of kin." I could see him thinking.

"I’ll be OK Liam. I don’t need a doctor!"

"You do Ni. It's not going to get any better and you know it."

"I can put up with it." Jesus, he was stubborn!

"Niall, it's going to get worse – how much worse can you stand?"

I didn’t mean to sound sharp with him. I was worried and scared and it just spilled out – big time! He looked at me, his eyes like liquid. Tears shimmering.

"Not much Liam. Not much." He bit his lip.

"Then don’t sweetheart. Let the doctor see you. Give you something. Please." He finally nodded and buried his head in my lap, the tears escaping. I knew it wasn’t just a matter of physical pain although he was suffering that too – it was finally admitting he couldn’t go on, be strong any more – having to give into it. I stroked his hair and tried to soothe him. He was still enough but I could feel he was still crying silently.

Lily came in and gave me a questioning look. "Do you know any doctors who’d come out now?" The words stuck in my throat and I stroked Niall’s hair feeling him tremble more violently.

She gave me a sad smile. "Yes. I’ll call him now!"

After she’d gone, Niall began to cry properly. I just held him tight – there were no comforting words. He had to release the pain and anger. Then he lay quiet as if accepting his fate. All too soon there was a knock on the door and Lily came in followed by a tall dark haired man in his forties. "Liam, Niall. This is Dr. Powell – I told him what's wrong with you Niall."

"Hi lads." He had a friendly Dublin accent and knelt by the bed to be on a level with Niall which I liked. "Well son, Lily here says you’re not feeling too good."

Niall shook his head. "No."

"You have leukaemia, don’t you?"

"Yes. Acute myeloid."

"And you’ve not been having any treatment?"

"No, it’s a long story." Niall bit his lip.

"OK, don’t worry about that. When was the last time you had any proactive treatment?"

"About 5-6 weeks ago. I was having consolidation therapy, In remission then. Then all of a sudden I wasn’t in remission any more. And they were saying that chemo wouldn’t work long time."

"Did they say you were terminal then?" He looked at me and then Niall. "I know that sounds cold but I have to have as much info as possible as I don’t have Niall’s notes."

Niall nodded. "No, they said.. they said a bone marrow transplant might be the answer."

"And you didn’t fancy going for that?"

"No. Mam, dad and Mark didn’t match. I felt it was a waste of time and hope, a long shot. I had my reasons."

The doctor seemed to sense his unease. "It's OK Niall, you don’t have to tell me the personal things." Niall nodded. "I have to say this Niall, I have to advise that you go into hospital. Even have to advise you to go on a list for a transplant."

Niall shook his head. "I don’t want that."

"All right! How old are you Niall?"

"I turned 18 a couple of days ago."

The doctor made a few notes. "Right then Niall. You need to fill this form in. It's to say you’re refusing proactive treatment for your illness, and hospital care." Niall took the pen and I helped him sit up. He retched a bit, I could see the effort it was taking. Finally he looked at the doctor.

"Can Liam do this and I’ll just sign it?"

"Sure. I’ll examine you while he does."

I filled in the form asking for Niall’s details etc whilst watching Dr Powell out of the corner of my eye. He was checking Niall’s temperature, pulse, blood pressure. Gently flexing his joints, feeling his spleen. Niall was trying not to show how much it was hurting but I guessed it was hard. I could hear involuntary whimpers, and I felt sick to my stomach.

"OK lad. I’ll need a blood sample." Niall just lay there as the doctor took it. The man turned to me and Lily. "I should bring equipment for a bone marrow biopsy but I’m not going to put him through that. I have a pretty good idea what it will show." He looked around again. "Who’s Niall’s next of kin?"

Lily nodded in my direction. "Liam’s the closest." It wasn’t a lie.

"OK. Can I speak with you Liam?"

I nodded and got up. "Be right back!" Niall opened his mouth as if to say something then seemed to think better of it. I followed Dr Powell into the hallway.

"There’s no easy way to say this Liam. I’m really sorry, but Niall’s going to die."

"I know that."

"I thought you did. And I guess Niall does too..?"

I nodded.

"Right. I don’t know how long Niall will survive. And what I can do for him here will be .. quite limited."

"I just want you to stop him hurting."

"I’ll try Liam. I’ll have to collect some equipment. Get him on a drip, he’s slightly dehydrated. I’ll also show you how to give pain relief shots."

I knew I’d gone pale. "I can’t."

"You have to. I’m going to also arrange for nurse to come out twice a day, but he will need medication at other times too."

I shook my head. "I don’t know."

"Liam, someone has to."

"OK." I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.

"You do realise it will be strong medication, he won’t be very aware for a lot of time."

I nodded. "I’ll fit a catheter so you don’t have problems getting him to the loo and we can monitor his fluids. The nurse will take care of that."

"Right."

"Liam. It won’t be easy or pretty. It would be easier for both of you if you could persuade him to go into hospital."

"No. I couldn’t. I promised him. And neither of us take the easy path."

"Right then, let's do our best."

 

Niall was propped up against Lily who was playing with his hair. He gave me a smile. "You didn’t have to go out of the room. I know I’m dying. I told Liam."

The doctor smiled back. "Some people don’t want to hear it in black and white – they don’t want to admit it."

Niall gave a little laugh. "I’ve no choice.. have I really?"

The doctor smiled again, probably relieved the cards were on the table. "Not if you say so. So you want it straight up then?"

"Yes."

He told Niall everything he’d told me. Niall bit his lip. "I don’t want Liam to have to do that for me." He knew how squeamish I was.

The doctor looked at me, I looked Niall in the eyes. "I want to, OK?"

"Liam."

"Niall. Please. Don’t argue."

"OK. Just don’t puke on me."

"Let's do one now. Are you in pain Niall?"

"Oh yes."

I watched Dr Powell as he clipped a cartridge to a syringe. "Preloaded Liam. No need to worry about air bubbles or the right amount. And it doesn’t have to go into a vein. Any muscley bit will do. Upper arms, thighs, backside. Can you turn on your belly Niall?"

With difficulty Niall managed to and the doctor eased down his boxers. "Just wipe the area with an antiseptic wipe." Niall yelped at the coldness. "Needle in and press that button. All done Niall."

"Thank god."

"He can have one every six hours. He can actually have one every four, but if he needs one that often I need to see him. OK? Right, I’ll go and get everything else. You just have a little rest Niall."

Niall’s eyes were already glazing over. "The first one will hit him like a brick. he’ll build up a bit of tolerance." He smiled at Niall who was trying to keep awake. "Go with it. You’ll feel better."

I walked him to the door. "Thanks doctor.. for not asking questions."

"I’m here to help, not question. If he wants a counsellor or priest.. just ask. And Liam, there’s nothing else you can do except be there for him. So don’t beat yourself up over anything else." But he didn’t know the truth, and I did. I had everything to beat myself up over. Guilt. Niall was dying so he could stay with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me :(


	9. N-I-N-E

I slid down against the wall outside our room. I wanted to cry so much. But I couldn’t. I had to be strong for Niall.  
It was two days later and the nurse was in with him. Changing the IV, checking the catheter and other personal things. The first couple of times I had stayed with him but I felt uncomfortable and I think I made the nurse uneasy too. She’d suggested I got some fresh air. That her and Niall could get to know each other. That was incorrect, Niall wasn’t really conscious enough to get to know anyone. He spent most of his time sleeping. It was breaking me apart.  
I hadn’t been back to work. I just had the feeling that Niall didn’t have long and I couldn’t risk leaving him. Not even for a moment. I didn’t care about losing my job. I couldn’t see past Niall – he was my everything. Lily and Jack seemed to sense this, they never pressured me. I felt I was trapped in a nightmare world. And the only way one nightmare would end was for Niall to die. Then the even worse nightmare of living without him would begin.

I pulled myself together and went downstairs to pay Lily the rent money. It was a good time with Sister McKee with Niall. Lily was baking in the kitchen. She looked up as I walked in.

"Hi lad. The nurse with Niall?’ She knew I wouldn’t have left him.

"Yes. I brought this weeks money."

"Liam. I wasn’t expecting you to think of such things at the minute."

"No. I owe you it."

"Liam. Really.."

"Lily. I have the money. It's no good to me or Niall, is it? It won’t save him." I realised I had snapped at this kind wonderful person who had taken me and Niall in, given us the space to enjoy our last weeks together, despite the fact that we were sinning. I sank onto a kitchen stool. "I’m so sorry Lily. I didn’t mean it to come out like that."

"I know Liam." She came over and put her arm round me. "I know how difficult it is for you."

"I don’t want him to die. I love him."

"I know that too." She hugged me close. "Why don’t you go for a walk? Get some fresh air. I’ll sit with the lad after the nurse has gone."

"No. I want to be there. Just in case."

She didn’t press the matter. "Well, you know where I am if you need me. Just ask. OK?"

I nodded and went back up. The nurse had finished. Niall was just awake. "Ah there you are Liam. I was just telling Niall what a grand job you’re doing of looking after him." Her false cheerfulness was belied by the pain in her eyes.

"I.. know. He.. he’s great." Niall gave me a weak smile.

"Right then, see you tonight. And Niall, try to drink something. OK?"

He nodded. I waited till she had gone and then sat on the bed next to Niall. "Love you babe."

"Love you too." He leaned against me. "I’ll just have.. have a nap."

I nodded. Watched him fall into his drug induced sleep, wanting to scream about the unfairness of it all. But I just held him. I had paced the room, looking for things to distract me. This time I found Niall’s notebook. I didn’t even resist looking this time, I remembered how his diary had helped before. Besides, me and Niall had no secrets.

I found myself looking at a song he’d written. And I found myself crying, unable to stop.

 

_Another day without your smile_   
_Another day just passes by_   
_But now I know how much it means_   
_For you to stay right here with me_   
_The time we spend apart will make our love grow stronger_   
_But it hurts so bad I can’t take it any longer_

_I wanna grow old with you_   
_I wanna die lying in your arms_   
_I wanna grow old with you_   
_I wanna be looking in your eyes_   
_I wanna be there for you_   
_Sharing everything you do_   
_I wanna grow old with you_

_A thousand miles between us now_   
_It causes me to wonder how_   
_Our love tonight remains so strong_   
_It makes our risk right all along_   
_The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger_   
_But it hurts so bad I can’t take it any longer_

_Things can come and go I know_   
_But baby I believe_   
_Something’s burning strong between us_   
_Makes it clear to me_

 

I sat there and cried. Cried at the sadness, cried at the unfairness of a world that was taking an eighteen year old boy as beautiful and talented and sweet and loving as Niall. I cried for our good times and the bad times. And I cried for me. No one would ever love me as much as Niall did. I knew that.

"Li..Liam.. what.. what the.. fuck’s.. all that noise.. about..?" Shit, I had woken him up.

"Nothing babe."

"Nothing..? You’re.. loud.. loud enough to.. to wake the dead.. and I aren’t dead yet!"

"Sorry. I found your poem."

"Reading.. my..my diary again."

"I'm sorry."

"Well.. It's.. crap anyway."

"No it isn’t, babe. It's beautiful." I kissed his forehead. "Just like you."

He gave a weak smile. "Liam. Get.. your.. your fucking.. eyes tested." I climbed into bed alongside him and held him for the rest of the afternoon. There was nothing else I could do. When the nurse came that evening, I went to sit with Lily. Jack was there too.

"Jason came by to see me Liam."

"I can’t go to work. I’m sorry I’m letting him down and all that.. but I have to stay with Niall."

"He knows that lad. He just came to see how you both were. I know you don’t want to talk about it but he said.. he said for you not to worry about your job. That he’ll keep it for you as long as.. until after.. well it's there for you."

"Thanks."

"And me and Lily. You’re more than welcome to stay here after.. you know that."

I nodded. "Thanks again, but I really haven’t given it much thought."

"Aye I know lad. Have you thought.. has Niall said.. where he wants to be buried..?" He hadn’t. Hadn’t mentioned it. But I knew what I felt ought to be done.

"I’d like him to be buried back in Mullingar. He was born there, grew up there. His family are there. I took him away from them in life. I’m not doing the same after his death."

"Now then lad, it was both of you. You haven’t exactly forced Niall.."

"But he could have had a chance at life. He could have recovered." Words spilled from me as I told them about Bressie and the transplant. "But he said no because he knew my parents would take me away from him. He’s dying because of me."

"No. It's his choice Liam."

"Not from where I’m standing. I never want to see Mullingar again. Because I sure as hell can’t look his family in the eyes again. I killed their son."

"Liam."

"If you really think about it, it's true. I killed him. I’d better go back up. Ni will be wondering where I am." I sat holding his hand. watching him sleep, watching him dream. I hoped they were happy dreams. I wondered what it was like to know you were going to die. I mean we all know we’re going to die one day but to know its going to be soon, to feel it slipping away from you. It was something I couldn’t get my head round, not the way Niall had accepted it. Was so calm about it.

Jack came quietly in. "How’s the lad?"

"Asleep."

"Lily’s worried about you Liam. You can’t blame yourself."

"But it is my fault. He’d be in Mullingar now with a chance of a normal life if he hadn’t fallen in love with me. If only we hadn’t had that detention. If we hadn’t become such close friends."

"No good if-onlying Liam. You did and it led to this. A very special kind of love."

"And Niall’s death, Jack. I can’t help it. I feel responsible."

And then my mobile rang! I didn’t want to answer it – the display said ‘PRIVATE NUMBER’ and I knew it would be something to do with Niall, but I couldn’t bring myself to end the call either. Slowly, fearfully I pressed the ‘accept’ button. "Hello?"

"Liam. Please don’t hang up. Please. It's Marielle." I groaned to myself. Of all the people who would affect me - Marielle was the one most likely to. I felt so guilty about her. I couldn’t hang up on her.

"Hi sweetheart." She was crying. I felt like the biggest bastard on earth.

"Liam. Can I speak to Niall..? Is he..?"

"He’s asleep babe."

"Liam. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to make Niall leave. I was horrible to him. To both of you. I’m sorry. So sorry."

"Marielle. It wasn’t your fault sweetheart. We had to leave.. because we love each other."

"But he’s going to die, isn’t he?"

"Who told you that?"

"No one. I hear things. Mam crying. Bressie’s here, for an operation to save Niall - only he won’t come home. He keeps telling Greg to call you but Greg says it's yours and Niall’s choice."

"Marielle.."

"Liam. Bring Niall home. I want him to get well. Make him come home. Make him have the operation. Please. Please. I don’t want my brother to die."

"Marielle.. it's not my decision."

"Please. Niall loves you, he’ll do as you ask him. Please." I was in anguish and luckily the signal on my phone went. I sat there shaking. Staring at the phone. Jack gave me a puzzled look.

"It was Niall’s younger sister. She wants him to come home." I looked at Niall, fast asleep, oblivious to it all.

"I guess that’s understandable. What about you, Liam?"

"I don’t know. I don’t want him to die, Jack." Thoughts ran through my mind. I bit my lip. I had to be strong here. Make the right choice. I sat next to Niall waiting for him to wake up – we had to talk.

 

 

Niall didn’t wake for at least another hour. Jack had left us and I had spent that time trying to talk myself into and out of various decisions. Then Niall opened sleepy blue eyes and gave me a smile.

"Hiya babe."

"Hi.. Liam.."

"How you feeling? Need some more painkiller..?"

He shook his head. "I wouldn’t mind a drink though." I poured him a glass of water and helped him sit up. After he had sipped a little he gave me that look. "What’s.. wrong Liam?"

"We need to talk. Marielle called me."

I saw the tears in his eyes.

"She thinks we left because of her. She’s blaming herself Ni."

"But it wasn’t!"

"I told her but.. Niall. I’ve been thinking. This isn’t fair. Not on your family. Your mum and dad, Greg, Marielle, Bressie – he’s in Mullingar waiting in case you change your mind. And it's not fair on you. You have a chance to live."

"It's too late Liam."

"You don’t know that, you haven’t tried. And if it didn’t work, you’d be with your family – they love you so much Ni."

"But.. I wouldn’t be.. with you."

"Oh, you would babe. I promise you. I’ll stay with you until you have the transplant. My parents won't even know I’m back in Mullingar. They won’t be able to do a thing about it. I’m not going to leave you – ever. I just think we should give it a try Niall. I want to take you back to Mullingar."

"No Liam."

"Ni. Please. You’ve nothing to lose and it's better than sitting here waiting. Please sweetheart for me. So I don’t live the rest of my life thinking ‘if only’.."

I felt guilty in that I was pressuring him when he had little strength to fight but I had to. Something was pulling me back to Mulingar and taking Niall with me. I squeezed his hands. "Please Ni."

"OK.. but don’t.. expect miracles." He closed his eyes. My hands were shaking as I dialled Niall’s parents number.

"Hello..?"

It was Bobby. I could hear the sadness in his voice. Sadness was probably part of his life now.

"Bobby. It's Liam. I’ve been talking to Niall. He’s going to come home but we need collecting. Yes he’ll give the transplant a go." I noticed the tears falling from my eyes and I prayed I was doing the right thing!

 

 

 

I was shaking as I waited for Bobby to arrive. I didn’t want to face him, wanted to stay in Dublin out of his way. He would be angry. He had every reason to be angry. I had taken his son, and now Niall was dying. The sane rational part of me told me only a miracle would save Niall now and god hadn’t been very forthcoming on the miracle front. But I couldn’t hide – I had to go with Niall. I had promised him.

The last three hours had been rushed. I had told Lily and Jack what ‘we’ had decided, then I had called Dr Powell. I wanted advice how to get Niall home in one piece and as painlessly as possibly. I knew he was pleased we had made this decision. He assured me Niall still had a chance. He came straight over.

"Right then Liam, he needs to go straight to the hospital. OK. I’ll give him something to make him sleepy for the journey."

I was relieved – I couldn’t stand to look into Niall’s eyes – they weren’t accusing but I felt guilty. Whatever decision I made I felt guilty.

I threw some of our stuff together – Lily told me to go back for the rest when things were more ‘settled’ and sat on the bed, Niall asleep in my arms. "I love you babe. Forever." I don’t know if he heard me. There was a knock on the door and Lily came in, followed by Bobby and Greg. I lowered my eyes.

"Liam. Niall’s dad and brother are here."

Bobby shook his head at Niall’s limp form. "Oh my little boy." I bit my lip. He saw it.

"Liam. Look at me." I did as he said, expecting anger and scorn. Instead there was love and sympathy "It's not your fault. It was Niall’s idea and Niall’s choice. Little idiot. Me and Maura.. we don’t blame you."

"Where is Maura..?"

"Sorting Marielle and Charlie, she’ll meet us at the hospital. Are you ready?"

I nodded and stood up. Greg tried to help me with Niall, but I pulled him closer to me. "I can manage."

"Get the bags, Greg." Bobby let me carry Niall down the stairs. He knew how I was feeling.

Lily and Jack were waiting, both fighting back tears. Lily carefully hugged me. "Take care lad. Let us know what happens. May God bless you both." She turned to Bobby. "You have an exceptional son, you know?"

"Aye, more like two." He ruffled my hair. "Come on then."

I sat in the back of their car with Niall laid with his head on my lap. He was asleep, he hadn’t recognised his dad or brother. He didn’t know he was finally on his way back to Mullingar. No one said a word – there was nothing left to say. The journey seemed to take forever yet be over in a flash. Soon we were pulling into the hospital grounds. I only hoped it wasn’t too late. I let Greg take Niall out of my arms. And Niall woke up at that moment.

"Liam..?"

"I’m right here, love." I squeezed his hand.

"Hey Ni. Remember me?"

"Greg?"

Greg pulled him close. "Oh Niall, we love you kid." Then Maura and Bressie and loads of nurses and doctors came out and I lost myself in the confusion. All I could do was to hang on to Niall’s hand. Of course I had to let go of him when they took him inside. Dr Andrews was there shouting orders. Niall was just asking for me and I had to explain that I had to let them treat him.

"As soon as you’re in bed I’ll come."

"You promise..?"

"I promise." I watched them wheel him into the lift.

 

We seemed to be sat a long while and I felt very uncomfortable. It was my fault. Niall was dying because I had run away with him – at that moment I wondered what had possessed me to do such a thing. A shadow fell over me and I looked up to see Maura. I took a deep breath, this was it, she was going to rip into me for taking her little boy.

"Maura. I’m so.. so sorry."

To my surprise she smiled. Gently. "Liam, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"But.. Niall.."

"You make Niall very happy. You did what Niall wanted. It was his idea." I gave her a puzzled look. She sat down next to me and put her arm around me. "Don’t blame yourself Liam."

"I may have killed him."

"No. We don’t think that." She handed me a crumpled piece of paper. "That’s the note Niall left for us the night you two left Mullingar."

  
  
_Dear mam and dad._   
  
_I don’t know what to say. I’m going to hurt you and I never want to. You’ve been the best parents anyone could wish for. You’ve accepted everything about me. My illness, my sexuality – just me and I love you for it. And that’s why I know you’ll understand what I’m going to do now._   
_I need to be with Liam, he’s my everything. My sun and moon and stars. But we can’t be together in Mullingar, his parents have made that quite clear. I guess they can’t help not being as understanding and accepting as you. So if I want to be with Liam, I have to leave Mullingar._   
_Of course if I leave Mullingar I can’t continue with my treatment, have this transplant – if a donor ever turns up, which I doubt. I want you to know that I’ve thought about it and it's worth it.. so much to be with Liam. It's not the quantity of life, but the quality._   
_I don’t want to die, I’m as scared as hell – but I’m a hell of a lot more scared about living without Liam – that’s why I’ve made this choice. All I have to do now is persuade Liam, he knows nothing about this. I’m hoping he loves me enough to do it, I know he does._   
_If you read this note then he’s agreed to it, so please don’t try to find us. Let me be happy for the rest of my life with Liam. I’m really sorry, this is so ungrateful but.. I have to do this. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you and I hope you’ll forgive me for it. Thanks for everything. Remember me with happiness. I love you all so much_   
  
_Your son Niall xxx_

 

I was crying as I read the note. I had often wondered what he’d said, now I knew. The note was tearstained, no doubt Maura had cried lots over it and I was adding fresh tears as I handed it back.

"It's not your fault Liam." Maura held out her arms and I fell into them. I wasn’t alone any more.

After a while Dr Andrews came in. He spoke about preparing Niall for the transplant, that once the forms were signed then Niall would have to have large doses of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, that he would be in isolation. That by some miracle he still stood a small chance. They were going to admit Bressie the following day. It was going to happen. I held my breath.

"He’s settled for now, asking for you Liam." I blushed but Maura and Bobby smiled. "Go on Liam."

Niall was laid in a small pale green room, very much like before. He was attached to machines and drips but seemed to have a little more colour. I went in and sat by his bed.

"Hiya babe."

"Liam."

"I promised you and I’m here.. until they kick me out to do this transplant. Then I’ll just be on the other side of that glass."

"You won’t leave me?"

"Hey, I promised you. I’ll be here. You’ll be recovered and we’ll be together. Happy endings!"

He gave me a curious smile. "You believe that.. there’s hope don’t you?"

"Yes, I do!" And I wasn’t lying, for the first time.. I did feel hope. God surely hadn’t brought us this far. I had had a instinctive gut feeling to bring Niall back to Mullingar. I squeezed his hands. "We’re going to make it Ni."

He nodded and fell asleep. I sat there a long while, dreaming of the future. I was dozing off and even the sound of voices outside didn’t intrude. It was just me and Niall. When the door opened I expected it to be the doctor. I got a shock.

"Put him down and get yourself over here Liam James Payne." It was my mum and dad! I didn’t move. I could see Bobby and Maura behind them, heard them asking mum and dad to leave. That Niall was sick and didn’t need this.

"As soon as my son comes with us we’ll go." I glared at mum.

"No way." I had no idea how they’d even found out I was here but I didn’t care. It was stand up for myself big time. "I’m staying with Niall. I love him."

"You’re a disgrace to humanity!"

"I don’t give a shit."

"Get your backside home!"

"Make me." I wasn’t happy about arguing in the hospital, it wasn’t fair but I wasn’t backing down.

"Look Mr Payne, I know how you feel but.." 

Dad turned on Maura. "You haven’t the faintest idea. My son thinks he’s.. gay! Because of your disgrace of a son. Liam, come home with us. Now!"

"Fuck off."

Niall was starting to stir a bit. I didn’t want to hurt him, but Dr Andrews was making ‘please leave’ noises. I kissed Niall’s forehead. "Look babe. I have to go to talk to someone. I’ll be back ASAP. I promise you."

"Liam.. please."

"I don’t break promises. See you in a minute sweetheart."

I gestured for mum and dad to follow me into the hospital grounds, then I went for the jugular! "Listen! I love Niall, I am staying with Niall, I am spending my life with Niall and that’s that! Ok, you might shout and scream but it won’t make any difference. The worst you can do is disown me and I don’t really care. So if you don’t mind, I’m going back to my lover!"

"I’d wait a minute Liam." I turned at dad’s voice – he sounded.. pleased with himself. "Not so fast. Take a look at this." He shoved a typed letter into my hand. I glanced at it, feeling uneasy. "Read it!" I did, growing paler. It was a solicitors letter to Niall and his parents. Announcing mum and dad’s intention of pressing charges against Niall for rape!

"What the fuck..?"

"We know you aren't gay.. And you just admitted that you and that Horan boy had sex!’’

"You can’t send this crap, they’ve enough to handle! Niall could die."

"Exactly. Which is why, if you come home now and forget all this nonsense with that.. _boy_.. that letter never gets sent. Otherwise.."

"You bastards." I was crying with frustration. I couldn’t let them do that to Niall.

"Are you coming home Liam..?"

"I have no fucking choice!"

"Not really."

I turned towards the hospital. "I have to say good bye. OK?" I swear if they’d have tried to stop me I’d have killed them.

"Hurry up."

 

Tears blinding me I rushed down the corridor. It was all falling apart horribly. Maura was sat with Niall who was barely awake. I leaned over the bed and kissed his forehead. "I love you baby, always. I’m so sorry."

My tears fell on him, waking him. "Liam.. what.."

"I have to go babe. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. You fight on, you hear me. I love you." I kissed him again and made for the door.

"Liam. Liam!"

I turned and looked, he was struggling to sit up, pain and fear and bewilderment in his eyes. "Liam. Don’t leave me."

"I’m sorry."

He sank against his mother. "You promised." Not accusing, not angry. Just defeated. I sank on the floor outside and wept into my arms. I had broken my most precious promise to the person I loved most of all in this world. I wanted to die as well.

 

 

 

I followed my parents out to the car and drove away from the hospital – it was like my worst nightmare. I was leaving Niall, the one thing I’d promised never to do. But I had no choice. Did I? I couldn’t let my parents send that letter, couldn’t destroy Niall and his family anymore than they were destroyed already. I had never imagined my parents could sink so low. It just shows you never really know anyone. Not even the people that are your own flesh and blood.

When we arrived at my house I made straight for my room but dad barred the way.

"Not so fast Liam. A few ground rules first."

"Why? I’ve done what you asked. I’ve left Niall."

"I know, but I want to make sure you don’t try and contact him or his family again."

"Jesus.."

"Right then Liam, you’re home, let's ‘forget’ about that past. You start acting like our son again and everything can return to normal. I don’t want to have to lock you in the house, but I don’t want you going anywhere near the hospital or the Horan’s house. Or contacting any of Niall’s family. If we find out you have, then that letter get sent and the police _will_  get involved. It's not only Niall who could be in trouble. After all, his parents seem to have ‘condoned’ this ‘relationship’. You understand?"

I couldn't believe the cruelty in his voice. "I'd rather have no one than parents like you! You're bastards."

"Less of the language Liam.."

He just laughed at me. I fled to my room. I lay there. All I could see was Niall’s face as I’d walked out of the hospital. I hadn’t even explained properly – I couldn’t have. But he must think I’d walked out on him – when he needed me the most. Oh god what had I done..?

The next two days passed in a blur. I spent most of them walking around Sherwood Park. I went into Mullingar town too, anything to get away from the house and my parents – I felt I was going to kill them if I had to look at them any longer.

 

I wanted so much to go and see Niall. To explain. To explain to Maura and Bobby, but I daren’t. I couldn’t cause them more pain and I knew dad would keep his word. So I tried not to think about it. All I could do was to hang on to the thought that at least Niall would have a chance at life with the bone marrow transplant. He would be having treatment now. When he was feeling better, I could go and see him. Fuck that, when he was feeling better I was going to spend my life with him – if he’d forgive me.

Then on the third day, quite by accident, I saw Greg. He was just coming out of Tesco’s. I thought that was strange. He saw me and called my name. I knew the danger of meeting him but I had to.. had to ask after Niall. I had to explain.

"Greg. Can we go somewhere less public? I’m not supposed to speak to you."

"Your parents huh?"

"Yes."

We disappeared into an alleyway. I faced him. "Greg. I didn’t mean to run out on Niall. I had no choice."

"Parents again?"

"Yes. They threatened.. they.. well, let's say it would have been worse for Niall. Please tell him that.. that I love him and I didn’t mean to break my promise"

"He knows that." Greg looked sad. "So they put pressure on you?"

"Yeah. Big time. How’s Ni anyway..?"

"Not too good. That’s why I’m doing the shopping. Mam and dad are staying at the hospital."

"Is it the treatment before the transplant..?"

Greg shook his head. "Liam.. there isn’t going to be a transplant."

I went cold. "Why not?"

"Niall won’t give permission for it. Says he doesn’t want to go through it. Says there’s no point. And he’s 18 now. We can’t do a fucking thing about it."

"What do you mean..?"

"He won’t sign the forms Liam, or for any treatment either. He just lies there. Fucking fading away."

"Can’t your mum and dad do anything..?"

"Not apart from talking to him, and we’ve all tried that. He won’t have it. I’m really sorry Liam."

"It's my fault."

"No it isn’t. Niall has the choice. Maybe.. maybe we should have left you two in Dublin, then at least he’d have died happy. I have to go Liam. Take care." I stood and watched him leave, my world shattered in pieces.

 

 

I didn’t know where I was wandering. Up and down the Mullingar streets. I guess I was in shock. The sudden blaring of a car horn made me jump. I’d almost got run over.

"Watch where you’re going you stupid fucking twat!" It didn’t sink in, but suddenly there was a hand on my arm and I turned to look into the green eyes of Harry Styles – they were concerned eyes too.

"Liam. I didn’t know you were back in town. Are you OK?"

"No. Not really."

"Is it Niall..? We’d heard he was back in the hospital."

So that was how mum and dad had known where to find me! Mullingar’s a small town. Too small. I nodded.

"Want to talk about it?" Suddenly I did. It didn’t matter any more to me if people knew. I wasn’t ashamed of loving Niall. I was ashamed of a lot of things, my parents, the way I had walked out on Ni – but loving him? Never!

"Yes."

He led me into the bakery/café. It was closed and he was clearing up. He brought two cans of coke and sat down opposite me. "There’s only us, mum’s babysitting for my sister."

"Thanks Harry." I didn’t know how to begin.

"So how is Niall? And how come you’re not with him?"

I knew then I could talk.

"He’s shite Harry, going to die.. and I want to be there but.. but my parents won’t let me. I’ve killed him Harry." I sobbed. "I've killed him.."  
  
"Hang on a minute Liam.. You’re losing me. Start at the beginning."

"I love Niall, Harry.. we’re lovers."

His mouth dropped and I waited for him to hit me, call me a nasty name, or at least throw me out. I closed my eyes. There was a long silence and then I felt a soft hand on my arm.

"It's OK Liam, you can tell me." I looked up and his eyes were gentle and kind. I knew I could tell him everything. So I did. From that first detention with Niall, our first kiss, making love, Niall’s illness, how great his parents were, how terrible mine had been when they’d found out. How we’d run off together. How I’d brought him back for the chance of life and what my parents had done. How he was refusing all treatment and waiting to die without me in the hospital.

When I had finished he let out a sigh. "Jesus.. I don’t believe it. You really love each other..?"

"Yes. I know it's wrong.. but.."

"No it isn’t, what Drake’s done is wrong, what your parents have done is wrong. You and Niall are right. More right for each other than anyone I’ve ever met. It can’t end like this Liam. You can’t let it!"

"What am I supposed to do, Harry?"

"Make a choice. You can’t have your parents and Niall, that’ll never happen."

"I don’t fucking want my parents! But they’ll hurt Ni."

"Call their bluff Liam, stand up to them. I don’t think they’ll do anything. Not if you make it clear that they try and charge Niall with rape alligations, and you’ll let all of Mullingar know about you and him.. and what they’re doing."

"Jesus. Then I’ll have a lynch mob after us."

"I think you might be surprised. And anyway your folks won’t want everyone to know their son’s gay and they’re the most homophobic twats ever to walk the earth. You’ve nothing to lose Liam."

He was right and I knew it. I had to make a stand, now. While Niall was still alive.. while I could still save him. I stood up. "I’m going for it!"

He grinned. "Hey. You can crash here, you know."

"Thanks. I’m going to stay at the hospital though. After I’ve seen mum and dad."

"Fair enough – the offers always open though. Give my best wishes to Ni. Tell him I’ll take him for a drink when he gets out."

"I will. Thanks Harry. Y'know, for being there."

He smiled and hugged me. "Now go and raise hell Liam!"

 

I went home and packed a few bits then I threw the kitchen door open. Mum and dad were preparing tea, the image of domestic bliss. "I’m leaving!"

"Not all this again Liam."

"No, I am. And I should have said this a long time ago. I’m going to be with Niall.. and you can threaten all you like. Because by suppertime all of Mullingar will know I’m gay and in love with Niall.. and I don’t give a shit. But they’ll also know what you’re threatening to do. You won’t look very good at the golf club dance then will you?"

"You’ll hurt Niall.. and his family."

"Niall’s probably dying. I can’t hurt him more than I have when I walked out on him.. and his parents don’t care. Because they love him for himself. Something you’ll never understand. So send your letter. I’ll deny everything. I love him. In life and in death. I can live with him dying. I can’t live with him dying thinking I broke a promise. So goodbye."

"You walk out of that door and you’re no longer our son, you’ll never walk back through it."

"You know something..? I don’t care. Have a nice life."

And I walked out without a backwards glance, slamming the door behind me.

 

 

I hitched a lift to the hospital and ran to Niall’s room, hoping and praying I wasn’t too late. He was half lying in the bed, Maura’s arms around him. Bressie was sat in an - what I only could picture - uncomfortable, plastic chair, his head in his hands. I had never seen Niall look so bad. It wasn’t just the illness. I had seen Niall sick. Very sick, in fact, but I had never seen this complete hopelessness before. He was twisting the ring I had given him round and round, staring at it.

"Niall."

He looked up at me, all windswept, carrying my bag. Tears running down my face.

"Liam." There was a flicker of life in his face.

"I’m so sorry babe. So sorry."

He gave a little smile and summoned enough effort to hold out his arms. "Don’t be sorry Liam. You came. You kept your promise."

And I fell into his arms!

Maura and Bressie tactfully left after giving me a smile and a hug. I sat by his bed holding his hand, I looked at him.

"So Niall.. what's all this about you not having the transplant?"

He shook his head. "No point Liam. I had nothing to live for."

I picked up his hand and kissed it. "You have now."

He thought a minute and smiled. Then he rang the bell. A nurse appeared. "Please. I’d like to speak to Dr Andrews. It's urgent."

The doctor soon came. "Right then. What's urgent?"

"Is it too late to sign the consent form?"

He smiled. "No. Shall I get it?"

"Please."

Maura and Bressie came in as Niall was signing it. They looked puzzled. "What's happening?"

"Niall’s just consented to the bone marrow transplant. I’ll get things moving."

They started to laugh – and cry. Niall looked at Bressie. "You’d better go and get your pyjamas." I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t over, Niall could still die. But he had a chance and at least we were together to face whatever happened. I had finally made the decision I knew I’d have to make since I was 16 and met Niall for the first time. And I knew that whatever happened, it was the right one.

 

 

 

7 months later

 

"Want another drink Ni?"

"Yeah why not? After all it is a special occation."

"Niall. Don’t overdue it. Bressie, you shouldn’t be encouraging him."

"Jesus. You heard the doctor. He has to live a normal life. And that includes getting pissed every now and then." I just sat there holding Niall’s hand and smiling. It was wonderful to be with him, in public, acknowledging our love. Even more wonderful that he had made it this far. That we were sharing every day together.

Niall’s transplant had been a success. There had been a few worrying moments when it had looked like he was going to reject Bressie’s bone marrow but though he had been very ill he had pulled through. Those had been very worrying weeks – Niall was in isolation because of the danger of infection and he had been very sick. I’d moved in with Maura and Bobby.. and we all had cried, expected to lose him. But Niall had fought back yet again. The doctors had privately said they didn’t know how he had survived as long as he had. But he had hung on and in the December of that year finally come home again - just in time for Christmas. He had been in remission since then and his chemo had finally ended in February.

Of course we couldn’t say Niall was cured. We had to go a long five years before he was officially cured and even then I would have doubt I guessed. I learned to live with it, not to panic when he injured himself, cut himself shaving, or got a cold. I had committed myself to Niall for life, I had to learn to stop wrapping him in cotton wool.

 

I was living with the Horans my ‘in-laws’. I never heard from mum and dad again, but on the plus side they never carried out their threat of prosecuting Niall. More and more people found out about me and Niall. We never hid it. A lot of people didn’t accept it. A lot more did. It was their choice, we were happy.

I went back to St. Mary's by the way, and for some reason Drake avoided me. I was finishing my Leaving Cert and had been offered a place for a degree in English/French at Dublin University. If I passed, which I was sure I would. Niall was now a year behind me, he would take the rest of the academic year out and then live with me in Dublin, attending a college there. Then he wanted to do a music degree. We had plans. We had our lives to live. We had decided we would live with Lily and Jack in Dublin. In fact we were going to spend a week with them, before we packed our bags in September. I would never forget how kind they’d been to us. And I had to accept Niall did need a little mothering. I was good at the loving. The mothering I’d leave to someone else.

I smiled as Harry came over with his latest girlfriend. Harry was just the same with Niall and I as he’d always been. Our best friend – we wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for him. Niall wouldn’t be here full stop.

The music was slowing and I took Niall’s hand. "Want to dance..?" He nodded and I pulled him into my arms. It was a private party so it didn’t matter, family and friends. My new family. But even so half of Mullingar seemed to be there. We had a lot of support.

Once it had been all we wanted – to dance in public, to show our love. I guess we had both learned the hard way there was more to life. I felt Niall’s body against me. His heartbeat, his very life in my arms. I prayed that he would be OK, no one could really give me an answer to that. We had to live for now.

I listened to the words of the song. It was everything I felt about Niall and I sang softly, so only he could hear.

 

_Would you dance_   
_if I asked you to dance?_   
_Would you run_   
_and never look back?_   
_Would you cry_   
_if you saw me cry?_

_And would you save my soul, tonight?_   
_Would you tremble_   
_if I touched your lips?_   
_Would you laugh?_   
_Oh please tell me this._   
_Now would you die_   
_for the one you loved?_   
_Hold me in your arms, tonight._

_I can be your hero, baby._   
_I can kiss away the pain._   
_I will stand by you forever._   
_You can take my breath away._   
  
_Would you swear_   
_that you'll always be mine?_   
_Or would you lie?_   
_would you run and hide?_   
_Am I in too deep?_   
_Have I lost my mind?_   
_I don't care._   
_You're here tonight._

 

Niall’s ear was so close to my mouth, his blond hair (yes he was back to blond – finally!) tickling my nose. "I love you babe."

"Love you too."

Was I his hero? Or was he mine? Who had got who through what? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was us, and love and this moment. We went out into for some air. Niall gazed at the sky. "You know Liam. This love. It's not wrong. We shouldn’t feel guilty."

"You know Niall. I don’t!" And I didn’t. All I felt was love. I pulled him close and kissed him a long time.

"I don’t feel guilty either. Just very randy!"

"Niall!" but I had to laugh. Then we walked back to the party – arms round each other. Finally happy! But I knew it would be a long night – in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. As this (probably) seem like an ending - it's because it is. End of 'part 1' - if you will. 'Part 2' will jump forward in time - into the college years. There's also a final part to this- 'part 3', but I'll come back that when that time comes. Hope you enjoyed part 1.. And stick around for part 2! :)


	10. T-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. this is 'part 2' of the story.. and the second part is in Niall's POV. Enter the college years. Also, there's smut in this chapter..

"OK that's enough for today! Niall, John, Louis, Marie, Julie and Michael, can you stay behind a minute?" I looked questioningly at Peter, our popular music lecturer, thinking rapidly to see if I'd done something wrong - there was a chance, especially as Louis had been asked to stay. Me and Louis could get a little wild!

"It's OK Niall, you haven't been a bad boy! Not that I know of anyway." He gave me a grin and I relaxed I didn't want to blow my second chance of life. It's been almost three years since I almost died of leukaemia and thought I'd lost the love of my life, Liam Payne - the best friend I met when I was 16 and against all rules and conventions, fell in love with! But there must be a god up there, one who understands far more than our religions and beliefs give him credit for! Because I made it, I pulled through after accepting I would die, a bone marrow transplant from my elder brother Bressie gave me a fresh chance! A chance I almost refused because Liam's parents stopped him seeing me! But he made a choice bless him and turned his back on his flesh and blood to be with me. He always claims it was no choice and that I made the choice to die to be with him but even so I love Liam totally - he's my life and I'm so lucky!

  
At the moment I'm approaching the end of my second year of a combined music and performing arts degree at Dublin University. I missed a year of school due to the leukaemia so I'm older than most people in my group, Liam's going to graduate with a degree in English and French (brainy sod) and then do a further year to qualify as a teacher - he knows what he wants, wish I did! I guess I spent so long thinking I wouldn't have a future I never planned for it! I want to perform, it's all I've ever wanted to do. I love singing but I guess I'll go behind the scenes in the entertainment industry. After all, what chance have I of making it, a country boy from Mullingar, who's gay and lucky to be alive! I have to count my blessings. And I have a lot of blessings, I have a family who's stuck by me through everything, the leukaemia, my sexuality, they took Liam in as one of their own, he's an extra son to them.

  
I have a great place to live in Dublin, Lily and Jack were the couple we lived with when I was sick. Lily still spoils me. They accept our love and that's very important! I like my course, have made a few friends, Louis Tomlinson in particular and I was lucky enough to passed my grade 8 piano exam so I teach part time in the evenings and weekends, it helps to pay for us. Liam has a couple of part time jobs too! Its not easy but we manage. My health seems to be OK for the moment I'm about halfway through the 5 year period where I need to stay clear and so far I have! I'm still having 6 monthly check ups but its feeling good! I don't dwell on it, I have many other things to think about.

 

And I have Liam and that makes it all worth it, he's everything I want or need in my life! So enough about me, back to January! I'll soon be 21, it's winter in Dublin and I'm waiting for Peter to get on with whatever he's keeping us back for, then I can go home and wrap my arms round Liam!

"OK guys, I won't keep you long. I've just found out about a project you might be interested in!" We looked at him expectantly.

"You've heard of Louis Walsh, well if not you should have, he's the top man in Irish pop management! Now he's been over in the UK looking at a TV show called Pop Idol, the idea is that talented individuals audition and audition again and eventually one lucky bastard gets chosen as Pop Idol, and gets all the starmaking treatment! But the catch is that everything is televised, the country gets to see the highs and lows. Louis likes the idea so much he's persuaded a TV company here to take it on and got the man behind the UK show to help out! Its going to be a great chance and I think you six should give it a go!"

I didn't believe what I was hearing. Peter was suggesting I auditioned for the biggest thing to hit the Irish pop scene - he must be out of his mind. I wasn't pop idol material! I didn't know what I was but my disbelief must have shown because he smiled.

"Niall, don't look so shocked, when will you believe you have talent? You wouldn't be on my course if you didn't Now are you all up for this?"

"You bet!" Louis was straight in, all smiles! Louis was a year older than me but he had taken a year out earning shitty money in Toys R Us to pay for his university education, he wanted fame, made no secret about that. Maybe I did too, I loved it when we did shows and I was singing and playing but I felt maybe I was asking too much. In less than 3 years I had gone from death's door to having so much, maybe I was being greedy but that minute I wanted to give it my best shot!

"Right then as soon as I get the forms we'll enter you all and we'll start extra tutorials to identify strengths and weaknesses! Let me tell you, if Ireland's first pop idol is sat in this room now I won't be surprised and I'll be very happy! Now get off home!"

I wrapped my jacket round me and pulled my baseball cap on. Liam was always on at me about running around half dressed for the weather. My head was spinning, the mere fact that Peter thought I was good enough... 

"Hey Ni, want to go for a quick drink?" It was Louis.

"Nah, I think I'll be getting home.."

"Don't want to drink with the competition?"

"Nothing like that. I have a kid coming round for a lesson." Louis nodded, he knew I had to work hard.

"OK.. maybe tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"Say hi to Liam for me!"

"Will do!"

I had a thousand thoughts as I walked back to Lily's. Louis didn't know about me and Liam, he knew we were roommates, best friends and that was it! No one at uni knew about Liam, knew about my sexuality. And they didn't know about the leukaemia, I was just Niall Horan, a kid from Mullingar with the same hopes and dreams as themselves and that was how I wanted to keep it! But if I went through with this pop idol thing, would I be able to? I would have to talk it over with Liam.

I bounded up the many flights of stairs to our attic bedsit. I loved that room, which considering I had almost died there was pretty strange but it was the first place Liam and I had to our ourselves. And it had the most marvellous view. Liam was sat at his desk studying, whatever it was he was so engrossed in he didn't hear me come in. I crept up behind him and dropped a kiss on the back of his neck - he jumped a mile.

"Niall, you little twat!" but he was smiling happily.

"Did I make you jump?"

"Just a bit!"  
  
"So, what you up to?"

"French literature!"

"Yuck!"

"Yep yuck, but I have a test tomorrow."  
  
"Double yuck!" I didn't know how he could learn stuff like that! I was bright but not that bright! No sex tonight then I thought. Liam functioned best when he had sleep.

"Do you want me to make tea?"

"Can you?"

"Beans on toast alright for you?"

"As long as they're not burnt!" I smiled, cooking is one of my shortfalls. Come to think of it, I have a lot of shortfalls apart from playing the piano and guitar, singing and loving Liam.

"Trust me! I can do this but can you wait an hour? Callie's coming for her lesson." Callie was a sweet little girl whose mother was certain was a musical prodigy!

"Yeah, I might translate the rest of this chapter, go teach babe."

Teaching the younger kids wasn't bad, it was the older ones I dreaded! Either so know it all because I was only a few years older than them or trying to come on to me! Lily was a dream, she would sit in the piano room and keep a guard on me. An hour later I was finished and I raced upstairs to make tea (supper?)

Liam was laid on our bed with his book, but as I bounced about the room I could feel his eyes on me. I emptied the beans into a pan and then turned to him.

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Then why are you staring at me?"  
  
"Can't I look?" He grinned sexily at me.

"Not without asking."

"I was just thinking…" He took on a wistful expression. "How I never thought I'd ever see you like this…so lively… so full of life! How I'm so lucky!"

A lump came to my throat, we didn't often talk about my time when I was sick but I knew what a hard time it had been for him. A lot of my memories, especially of the final few weeks were hazy but I knew they were crystal clear for him. I moved over to the bed and sat next to him.

"No babe…I'm the lucky one. I've got you." A sigh escaped my throat as he put the book down and wrapped his arms around me. We lay on the bed facing each other, all thoughts of exams, sleep and food forgotten, the only physical need I had at that moment was the heat that pumped my blood faster.

"Oh Ni!" Liam was running his hands through my hair, much to Lily's dismay I'd been growing it and it was one length resting in the nape of my neck, shining blond. He gently pulled me to him and I yielded willingly to the pressure of his tongue, accepting it! We kissed for a long while. Then his lips travelled downwards, over my throat and collarbone whilst his hands tugged insistently at my shirt, soon it lay open, revealing my chest and stomach.

"You're so beautiful Niall, may I?" I smiled then threw back my head in ecstasy as his warm lips latched onto a nipple, teasing it, circling it, lapping at it, then oh so gently nipping it! I cried out softly, a cry that died to a whimper as he kept up the relentless sweet torment! The other nipple received the same loving torture… I was thrashing on the bed!

"Easy little one!" Liam was on all fours over me, preventing me falling off the damn bed. He captured my hands above my head and began to kiss a line straight down my stomach and to my belly button, blowing raspberries against it. The vibration was sending me over the edge.

"Ohhhh Liam…" I moaned and thrust my hips upwards, desperate for my increasing erection to make contact with something (hopefully Liam's groins).

"Easy… be a good boy.."

"LIAM!" I cried his name as my erection was engulfed in a warm wet cavern, a tongue slid over the tip, delving into the slit and making me mindless with pleasure! I wanted to come so much yet Liam was holding me on the edge! Then my wrists were released and two of Liam's fingers were touching my lips.

"Ni, make them wet!" I licked and sucked eagerly… then twisted my fingers in his short brown hair. My body jumped as Liam's fingers found their way inside me… the initial stretch always caused that reaction, then I accepted them and pushed my body firmer on to them, impaling myself! With the stimulation inside me and his tongue massaging my cock I couldn't stop myself coming…or crying out with the force of my orgasm! As I lay breathless coming back down to earth I felt Liam lift my legs and his fingers were replaced by another part of him. He thrust into me and I thrust back wanting him to hit my prostate so bad… wanting to make him part of me! He had lifted his head and his fringe was plastered to his forehead with sweat but he was smiling…

"Niall…I… love… you!" he panted. Now he was hitting my secret place and I felt myself harden again. I didn't have breath for words but I nodded… feeling his warmth erupt into me and feeling my own seed escape again. He collapsed onto my chest and I held him.

"Love you too!"

Then a burning smell came to my attention.

"Oh shit, the beans!" Naked I wriggled from under him and pulled the pan off the ring… Too late. It was burned black.

"Sorry babe."

Liam just chuckled. "Well, I did distract you. Let's go get some fish and chips."

"Great I'm starved."  
  
"Niall. Get dressed first!"

 

 

We walked back from the chip shop along the Liffey, it sparkled cold in the winter moonlight. "Peter told me about this competition today, that's why I was a bit late… they're looking for a pop idol! He thinks… I know this sounds daft… but he thinks I should enter."

"Why's it sound daft? You're a great singer!"

"Not as good as you!"

"But I don't want it for a living, you do. And you have charisma… I think you'd be great."

"You're just biased!"

"No…really!"  
  
I paused and looked at the river… I had to tell Liam the truth… "Liam… I want to give it a go… I want it so bad but I'm scared.."

"Scared?"

"Scared they'll find out about…"

"About us?"

"Partly… but about the leukaemia too… that it will make people treat me differently!"

"Why should they find out… about that or us? You tell them what you want them to know."

"You think so?"

"Yes… you want it babe, you go for it."

"And you'd back me?"

"Stupid! Of course I would… all the way!"

"Then I will.."

"Good… now can we go back? I'm freezing and I have another chapter to translate!"

"OK!"

 

Looking back I was naïve, no foolish! As if something like the pop idol contest wouldn't change my life? Would I have gone ahead if I had known how much my life would change?

 

 

 

"Shit I need a passport photo… Jesus I hate photos…" I put down the application form that Peter had given me that day at uni and looked over at where Liam was making notes out of a great thick textbook…

"What's that Niall?"  
  
"The pop idol form… they want a picture… a recent picture…"  
  
"So you can get one taken tomorrow! What's the problem…?"  
  
"I hate having my picture taken that's what!"  
  
"Well if you become a pop idol they'll take pictures… Loads of them…"  
  
"Liam I'm not going to become a pop idol… I won't even get past the first round… In fact…" I threw the form on the desk… "I  
don't even know why I'm bothering…"

"Oh stop whining… you'll bother… you'll sail through the first round and totally wow the judges… Anyway what are we doing this weekend? Going to Mullingar…?'  
  
"We could do… it's been a few weeks… Do you want to…?" He looked up and smiled – god his beautiful eyes…

"I always want to go home Niall… you know that…"

"Ok, we'll go…" I never needed persuading either… I loved Mullingar… but I couldn't go back there to live permanently… I always felt like we – no, I, was on display… Too many people knew too much about me…  
  
"Right then… I'll meet you from uni, go straight to the station and you can get your photo done then we can get on the 6.15 train!" I nodded – Liam was so good at making things easy…

 

The machine whirred as the strip of photos dropped through I reluctantly picked them up… They weren't too bad, I didn't look like a convict from Alcatraz but I didn't look like a pop idol either… Liam glanced over my shoulders…  
  
"Ohhh sexy!"  
  
"Hardly… come on, we've time for a cup of tea before the train…and a sandwich…"  
  
"Hang on…" Liam was digging in his pocket for some change… "Let's have a photo together…" 

"Liam.." I whined.

"Come on, it's been ages since we had a picture…" I gave up gracefully and slid into the booth after him. Space was limited so I had to sit on his knee, he rested his chin on my shoulder and tickled me… I have to admit they were cute pictures… I took the 2 Liam offered me and tucked them into my wallet.  
  
"Now can we get something to eat? I'm starving…"

It was 10.00pm when we got home… Mam jumped up… "Niall, Liam… why didn't you say you were coming tonight? We could have picked you up?"

"It's OK, it's not that far…" I hugged mam and watched her hug Liam – he really was another son to them… Dad gave us his smile… didn't ever say much but I knew he was pleased to see us…

"So where's the kids?"

"Charlie's in bed, don't wake him and Marielle's out on a date…"

"At this time?" I felt shocked.

"Ni, she's almost 17…"

"Well who is he? How long's she been seeing him?"

"Niall, remember what it's like to be 16 and in love…?"  
  
"Only too well… that's why I'm worried…"

Mam laughed… "You know how I felt then… she's fine… Now what about you two…? How's the finals going Liam?"  
  
"Yuck! But they'll be OK…"  
  
"And my little boy… is he working hard?"  
  
"Of course!" I didn't say anything about pop idol… and Liam didn't either… But he asked me why I'd kept quiet about it when we went to bed.

"Ni… why didn't you tell your mum and dad about entering pop idol…?"

I shrugged. "Don't know."  
  
"Niall, that's not an answer.'

"I feel stupid…"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because…" I turned over in the single bed, difficult without hitting Liam, and faced him… "Because it's a stupid dream…"  
  
"No it isn't." His voice was quiet…  
  
"Yes it is. Liam, I almost fucking died twice… I should just be happy to be alive, with you… not want something that is so out of my reach…"  
  
"Niall… it's not out of your reach… and why should you just be happy…? Because you got another chance of life doesn't mean you can't dream…"

I nodded… "But it's like standing and gazing at the stars Liam, so far away…"  
  
"Then you have to learn to fly Niall, and reach those stars…" He pulled me closer to him. "I believe you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to believe it too…" I buried my face in his chest, not exactly crying, but not far off.

"I want it Liam… I want to be famous…it aches sometimes and then… it's not really fair is it? You only want me… I want you and everything else as well…"

"We're different people Niall… I know you want me… don't ever doubt that… and I'm behind you 101% of the way… Now don't start crying…" He knew me too well.

I lay in his arms… from listening to me and Liam, people might have the idea that all we did was shag each other senseless and yes, we do have a very active and fulfilling sex life… but it was so much more than that… Right now all I wanted was the comfort of him holding me close, to protect me… To protect me from myself as much as anyone else… because I had an idea what was behind my sudden desire to be 'pop idol' my 'ache' to be famous… and I couldn't tell him…

Mam looked at me as I explained it all next day, a funny little smile on her face… That irritated the hell out of me!  
  
"OK laugh at me! I don't suppose you think I'm talented enough!" I have a very quick temper.  
  
"I'm not laughing at you sweetheart… and I know you're talented enough… I guess I never imagined my son, who almost shattered the windows with his rock music would be going for pop idol." I had to smile myself… I knew what she meant…  
  
"SO.. you don't mind…?"  
  
"Niall.. no, and if I did… well you're an adult… What does worry me is will you handle people knowing about you if you do well…?"

"I wont have to… I don't have to tell them."  
  
"Niall… it's not that simple."  
  
"Mam, do you really thing the public know the truth about famous people…? It doesn't happen like that… its all crafted by the media…" I thought I knew it all… She just shook her head… the impetuousness of youth.

I filled the form in that day… it didn't ask about health or relationships… just basic details… I attached the photo and sealed the form… Then I dragged Liam to the post box before I could chicken out.

"First step!"  
  
"To nowhere. It's probably the waste of a stamp.." It was a lovely weekend… just lazing about… we walked up to Rosses Point** and hired a boat… Then borrowed the car and went to Lough Ennell… There were loads of houses being built around Mullingar Park… I looked at the Atlantic Ocean crashing onto the beach…  
  
"I could live here…" The words escaped me I don't know where they came from

"Thought you said you could never live back in Mullingar…"

"I could here, just looking at the ocean." I leaned against him…"Could you?"

He turned me to face him… "Niall, I can live anywhere you are…" He brushed a stray lock of my hair away from my face and kissed me on the lips. "You're my everything…" I nodded and pressed myself against him on a freezing winter's day overlooking a deserted beach, we melted into each other.

 

 

A few days later I got home a bit early. Liam wouldn't be home for another hour, he had an exam… I had an essay due in and was about to go to make a start when Lily called me into the kitchen.

"Niall love, there's a letter for you…" I picked up the envelope… There were the words RTE and Pop Idol in the corner. My hands shook as I looked at it… "Open it then!"  
  
"I daren't… I just daren't… Lily… can you…?" I bit my lip as she sighed and ripped it open… Please god, please…  
  
She began to read… "Dear Niall, Thank you for your interest in the Pop Idol project and your application form… We have been overwhelmed by the number of applicants.." My heart sank… they didn't want me.

"Lily, I don't want to hear any more…" I turned… she carried on reading…  
  
"Based on your application we would like to invite you to preliminary auditions at the Pod nightclub Dublin on the 13th February. You will be required to sing a solo song of your choice and one of our choosing. The panel will consist of Simon Cowell, Linda Martin and myself, Louis Walsh. Please arrive at 9.30 am and allow all day for the decisions to be made. I look forward to meeting you. Yours truly, Louis Walsh."

"Oh my god… oh my god!" It didn't really sink in… "They want to see me?"

"Sure do kiddo." She hugged me and gave me the letter… I scanned it.. feeling faint… Then giddy "Oh my god… oh Jesus…" I held Lily tightly…

"Liam's going to be so pleased…"

I nodded… then ran upstairs to search through CD's for a song… "It's happening… finally happening… I have a chance… I have a chance." I wanted Liam to come home… to tell him. Feeling very happy I kissed the photo of us I'd put on my noticeboard… Suddenly all my dreams were coming true…

 

 

"Liam… I'm… going to be sick…" My voice had an unnatural quiver to it…

"No, you aren't…" He was very matter of fact…

"I am!"

"You're not…"

"You said that this morning… and I was…"

"Niall, you are not going to throw up all over the pavement outside the Pod… now stop worrying…"

Stop worrying… It was easy for him to say that… it wasn't him who was going to make a fool of himself in front of Louis Walsh in a few minutes… I had brought him along with me for support… I wanted him to hold me so bad, but of course he couldn't… No one could know we were lovers… Louis was stood next to me in the queue and he smiled…

"Listen to him mate… he talks a lot of sense." Louis too didn't know that we were lovers, that I was gay and I wanted to keep it that way… But him and Liam got on… He thought he was just my best friend and room mate… we must have been good at hiding it…

My stomach was churning… bubbling… Being sick this morning hadn't helped either… after my experiences during my chemotherapy I had a hatred of vomiting that was almost a phobia… This morning's retching session in the bathroom had reduced me to tears… Only Liam had calmed me enough, put me in the shower and cleaned me… If it hadn't been for Liam I wouldn't be stood waiting I would have been hiding. So I nodded at Louis and forced the feelings of nausea to the back of my mind…

We seemed to have been waiting for ages… and there was a lot of people about my age… some a little older… some a little younger… boys and girls… For the most part they stood in silence… too nervous to talk… and I suppose everyone was the enemy so to speak…  
  
"Wonder what they'll ask us to sing…?" Louis broke the silence…

"Something pop… you'll be fine…" I didn't have a lot of confidence in my own voice… I didn't think it was a 'pop' voice… and I was conscious no one I knew had a lot of faith in the song I had picked to sing…

I had chosen the old Terry Jacks song 'Season's in the sun'. I had always loved the song, despite its theme of death – maybe that's why I loved it… But Liam hadn't been very happy when I told him…

"Niall… pick something else… it's fucking depressing…"

"I like it…" and I knew it kind of suited my voice… I could express it… maybe that was because of my brushes with death… Liam tried and tried to change my mind, but he couldn't.

Neither could Pete at uni… "Niall, I agree you sing it very well, but… I think you need to go with something livelier…"

But I had refused to budge and I was singing it… Aware that it could be my first and last pop idol contest… maybe I subconsciously wanted to get knocked out…

 

 

They finally called us in and gave us numbers… I was in a different group to Louis… and watched him leave the room with a sick feeling… Liam gave me the thumbs up. He was sat by the door. I thought of what would happen if he started to sing with his amazing voice… he would knock them dead… but he would hate the attention… whereas I was craving it…

"#215… Niall Horan…" The man called my name and hoping I wasn't visibly shaking I approached the judges table… I recognised Linda Martin from her TV appearances and of course I recognised Louis Walsh so the tall dark haired man with the sardonic smile had to be Simon Cowell… I didn't really know who he was, so I concentrated on the main man… To me anyway.

"Hiya Niall…" He sounded friendly enough… "I'm Louis… This is Linda." She gave me a sympathetic smile… "And that's Simon…" He raised a hand… "We'd like to hear you sing your chosen song… but first tell us a bit about yourself…"

Hoping I didn't sound like I was about to burst into tears, I cleared my throat. "I'm Niall Horan, I study music and performing arts in Dublin…I'm 21… and I play piano and guitar…" What the fuck could I say? My mind was a blank.

"But that's not a Dublin accent Niall?" Linda stepped in to save me… "Where are you from?"

"Mullingar…"

Louis smiled.

Simon just looked bored… "OK Niall… what are you going to sing for us…?"

"Errr, 'Seasons in the Sun'…" I saw him raise his eyes heavenwards… but Louis just nodded… "That's fine Niall… do you want to use a backing tape or have the pianist accompany you…?"

"Pianist please…" I had rehearsed it countless times… playing it softly on Lily's piano…

"OK then…"

Of course I hadn't realised the pianist would play a different tempo… I fucked it up… Before I closed my eyes against the tears that were threatening, I saw Simon shaking his head… but Louis stopped the music…

"Niall… would you like to try again?"

No I wanted to cry… I just want to fuck off and hide… but I nodded…

"What tempo…?"

"C… could I do it without music… please?"

Now Louis looked disbelieving… "You want to do it accapella?"

"Yes please…"

"OK… when you're ready…" I took a deep breath…

 

 _Goodbye to you my trusted friend… we've known each other since we were nine or ten_  
 _Together we've climbed hills and trees, learned of love and ABC's_  
 _Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees…_  
 _Goodbye my friend it's_ _hard to die when all the birds are singing in the sky_

_Now that spring is in the air, pretty girls are everywhere_   
_Just think of me and I'll be there_

_We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun_   
_But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time…_

 

They had me sing the whole fucking song… I was very conscious of how small my voice sounded… the last note faded away and for a second there was silence… probably trying not to laugh… Then some clapping… I tried not to smile… Liam had started that, I would lay money on it. I turned to leave…

"Wait a minute, Niall…" I turned to face Louis. "That was very nice… very expressive…"

"Thank you…"

Linda gave me another smile… "You have a very sweet voice Niall…"

"Thank you…" What the fuck else could I say?

Simon gave me a piercing look… "Yeah the voice is OK kid… but you need to lighten up…"

Louis interrupted him. "Niall, can you hang around… ? I want to hear you sing another song later…"

"Yes… of course…" My heart leapt… They weren't getting rid of me just yet..

 

I ran to Liam… Only he wasn't where I left him! Anxiously I asked anyone if they'd seen him…

"Yeah he went out side… said he needed some air…"

 

He was sat on the steps at the back of the Pod… I sat next to him… I could see the tears…

"What's up mate? I was that bad you cried?"

He sniffed and forced a smile… "No… I… I … when you started to sing… I lost it about the line 'it's hard to die…' I'm sorry… I let you down…"

"No you didn't… they want me to sing again…"

"That's great… hadn't you better get back…?"

"Only if you come with me…"

"Only if you don't sing that fucking song again…"

"OK…" I pulled him to his feet… "So you didn't clap when I finished…?"

"Niall, I was out here fucking howling…"

"Some people did… they liked me Liam…"

"Oh Niall… they're going to love you. They won't be able to help it, babe. Now, when you've finished I'm going to take you for a pizza and then… we'll go back and I'm going to love you so much …"

"Promise…?"

"I promise… now come on…"

 

 

I lay in Liam's arms… warm… comfortable… well fucked… in heaven… He was asleep – I knew that by the deep even breathing and odd little snore… his arms were tight around my waist…never letting go…

It had been a good day… I had gone back in and sung again for Louis and the judges…The old Backstreet Boys song 'As long as you love me' and I felt fairly confident I'd sung it well… I knew I had… I felt the smile on my face as I remembered Louis giving me a thumbs up and inviting me back to the second round in a week's time… I had got through…

So had Louis. No one else had from my course though… we were lucky… So we had celebrated… me, Liam and Louis, then me and Liam had come back and fallen into bed…ripping each other's clothes off… I smiled again at the memory of a few hours ago…

 _Previously_ …

"Oh Ni… I'm so proud of you…"

I grinned. "I couldn't have done it without you…" Cheesy I know, but I couldn't do anything worthwhile without Liam… He was the centre of my world…

"Let me show you how proud I am…" One hand was round the back of my neck… bringing my lips to meet his…I opened my mouth eagerly… feeling myself grow hard at his kiss… pressing myself against his body…

We kissed passionately and for a long while till I was aching in my groin… "I love you Liam…" whispering against his mouth… I could feel him smile… then he lifted me up and lay me on the bed…

It seems as if Liam always was the lead in our sexual relationships, but though he was always on top it was very equal… neither of us wished to dominate the other… but this… this strength as his arms encircled me was bliss… heaven… I lay there, gazing at him through lowered lashes as he began to unbutton my shirt… The shirt that had cost so much and been specially purchased to make an impression on the judges… as if it would… Mind you it would be better off me, rather than crushed in the romping that was about to ensue…

He took a fucking long time to unbutton that shirt…keep stopping to kiss my lips and my exposed chest… and when he reached my nipples I resigned myself to the fact that I would be in a state of frustrated arousal for a while yet…

My breath caught in my throat as his lips zeroed in on my right nipple…grazing it with his teeth… playing it with his tongue… making me gasp and whimper… My hands caught in his brown hair… twisting into it gently… each breath on that little nub taking me closer on a one way journey to perfect bliss. I was thrusting my groin upwards… wrapping my legs around him… wanting free of my clothing… free of all restraints… wanting to become one with him…

Liam was a merciless tease when it came to my nipples… I was practically screaming for him to take me further… thank god we had the attic room… then his warm wet mouth was moving downwards to my belly button… then lower… I did cry out as he took me in his mouth… his soft tongue swirling round my tip… probing my slit… and to intensify the sensations his hand on my balls… gently squeezing them…

The orgasm that hit me was about as intense as anything I had ever felt… It took me to undreamed of heights… soaring and swooping… what was it Liam had said… 'then you have to learn to fly…' With him I was flying… he gave me the wings…

I hadn't landed when I felt him lift my legs… gently part them… feeling for my entrance with a damp finger… I pushed onto his fingers before they even eased into me… so eager was I for him to fill me… Then his fingers were gone… replaced by another part of him…thrusting deeply into me…nudging my prostate …

My own erection was hard again… the stamina of youth and trapped as it was between our bodies, subjected to a delicious friction… taking me to those unbelievable heights again… I heard Liam cry, felt him shudder and his warm seed flood me… Then the stars exploded…

We lay in the afterglow of sex for a long while without speaking…I closed my eyes… did it get any more perfect than this…?

"Niall… Niall? You OK?" Liam's concerned voice hit me.

"Yes… why…?"

"Because you're crying…" He touched my face… showing me the silvery droplet… I blinked…

"I'm fine Liam… just so very happy…"

He smiled at me… "Happy enough to cry…"

"Yeah…" I pulled him down…snuggled him against me…  
  
"I worry when you cry Ni… I… we… we cried enough.. before…"

I bit my lip… I knew he meant when I was sick… a lifetime ago… or at least I pretended it was… Then I smiled…

"No need to, Liam… Everything's going to be OK… You're going to pass your finals… I'm going to win Pop Idol… And we'll live happily ever after…"

He laughed at that… "You making a promise?"

"I am."

"I'll hold you to that Horan…" He gave me a kiss. "God I'm tired…"

"Then shut up rabbiting on and let me get some sleep too…" I kissed him back and we curled up together…

 

Yet despite the exhaustion of my hectic day I couldn't sleep… I guess I was still excited… its not everyday you get a chance like I just had… I kept going through my performance over and over again. What I could have done better? What song I could sing next time? Eventually I must have fallen asleep.

 

_I was laid in a bed. My heart beat faster, it was a small green room. Sterile. Antiseptic. Just like so many times before… I tried to sit up… get up but I had no strength… Panic began to well in me… Not again… Not again… The IV in my arm… dripping into me…that taste in my mouth… I tried to speak but no words would come out…_

_Into this hell came my parents… both of them had been crying… Dr Andrews was with them… I strained to hear his words…_

_"I'm really sorry… There's nothing else we can do. It's just a matter of time now…'"_

_"But… But another transplant…?" Mam was sobbing…_

_"I'm sorry… Whatever we do… It's just going to reoccur again… I don't think we can justify putting Niall through it all again…'"  
_   
_"But… what can we do?" Dad sounded puzzled…_

_"Just go sit with him… Let him know you love him… And let him go…"  
_   
_I was crying, but above all, scared… Because Liam wasn't there… "Liam... Liam..."_

_Mam held my hand… "It's OK baby…"_

_"W… Where's Liam?"_

_She looked away… "Niall… You know… You and Liam split up…ages ago…"_

_"Noooo!"_

_"Yes… he decided… he told you… he didn't love you… he's back living with his parents…"_

_"No… It's a lie… I want to see him… Please mam… I don't want to die without him…"_

_"Niall… you and Liam…are over…"  
  
  
_ _Everything faded into blackness… I was still laid in that damned hospital room… but it was dark…mam and dad were crying again… Then some figures all in white entered the room…_

 _"It's time Niall… come…'"  
  
_ _"No… Need to see Liam…" but my words wouldn't come out… I felt myself lifting… leaving behind my parents and the person I loved most of all… "Nooo"_

 

I woke in a cold sweat… It had been a dream… A horrible frightening dream… Liam was still fast asleep – he could sleep though an earthquake… His arm was still tight round my waist… I let out a shaky breath… It was OK, I was OK…

But the dream had shaken me… I never dreamed about when I was ill and I certainly had never dreamed that Liam didn't love me, had left me… It had been so real too… had I dreamed of my death?

I couldn't sleep… so I gently removed Liam's arm and got up… I went to the window… to the view over the sea that I loved so much… It was still dark but the moon was reflecting off of the relatively calm water… I felt myself start to calm too… but I had to pray

'Please god… let me… let me make it… let me and Liam make it together… let me learn to fly…'

I stayed at that window a long time…


	11. E-L-E-V-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some smut in this chapter... Also Lou = Louis Tomlinson. Louis = Louis Walsh.

_One week later_

 

I stood next to Lou outside the Pod… fighting the feelings of nausea. Nerves Niall, nerves, I told myself … very conscious of the fact that I didn't have Liam with me – he had an exam… Anyway I couldn't go through life with him holding my hand. But I felt part of me was missing… and with a shiver I remembered my dream…

"You cold Ni?"

I turned to Lou… "Not really… guess someone walked over my grave."

"Or you're nervous!" Lou was always matter of fact. I gave him a smile…

"That too!"

 

It was a lot different to that first audition… the approximate 2,000 people had been reduced to approximately 200 and the air was deadly serious. Despite the good natured banter everyone was the enemy so to speak… I had little experience of auditions, only a few school and uni things. All that had mattered to me was my music… I wanted to be famous so much that it hurt sometimes… but only for my music… I shivered again.

"Jesus Ni! Relax!" Lou grinned. This was a laugh to him, everything was a laugh – I knew that from sharing lectures with him… Sure he wanted to be famous but I didn't think it meant to him what it meant to me. Not that it wasn't important to him because it was… just I felt it was different…. I tried to smile at him again

I couldn't relax though… that morning I had gone through the ritualistic throwing my guts up which had really upset me. Liam had been in a rush and I'm sure the last thing he needed before one of his finals was me puking and crying… but he handled it… holding me, calming me…washing my face… then racing out of the door shouting good luck… A twinge of guilt shot through me… I should be supporting him at this point… it was his finals for his degree… After all he had given up to be with me and here I was, wasting my time in some stupid audition for some stupid TV show that I didn't have a hope in hell of winning… It wasn't fair on Liam… I wasn't fair on Liam…

"I shouldn't be here…" I hadn't realised I spoke the words out loud… Lou gave me a strange look…

"What? Course you should be here… you're brilliant…"

I bit my lip… me and my big mouth… "I mean…" I didn't know what to say… luckily for me Lou took it as nerves… He rubbed my back.

"You'll be fine when you get in there…"

I nodded… I couldn't tell Lou… I couldn't tell anyone the truth or my dreams would be on a one way ticket back to nowhere… No one would pick a gay man to be pop idol… not here in Catholic, conservative Ireland… I would lose my friends and my dreams… So I had to hide the truth once more. I offered a quick prayer for Liam… that it would be OK… that his exam would be easy and then the Pod doors opened and we were invited inside…

 

"Welcome back everyone… thanks for giving some more of your time and sorry you have to sit on the floor… that's fame for you…"

We chuckled nervously at Louis's words – he was smiling kindly… "Today we hope to narrow it down to fifty finalists who will be on the show… but as you can see the TV cameras are already here… this audition will form part of the first show… But it's strictly fly on the wall so try not to let it throw you … Today its just myself and Linda judging… Simon's in London!"

I let out a sigh of relief… I didn't feel I had endeared myself to Simon Cowell too well at the first audition and maybe I stood a chance with him not here… If I got kicked out now… well it was it… I wasn't meant to be a singer…

"It's going to be a long day… lots of waiting about for you all I'm afraid… I'll be coming and chatting amongst you… so good luck…"

It was a long day he sure as hell wasn't lying about that… I sat and chatted with Lou and other hopefuls… all the time straining to hear what was going off behind the closed doors… Now and then Louis or Linda would come out and chat to a few people then disappear…

"Hiya Niall…" I looked up in surprise that Louis had remembered my name… It was one thing to actually have the entry form in front of him and remember me but just like that, out of 2,000 people… I gave him a smile…

"Hi Mr Walsh…"

"It's Louis Niall… and how you doing? Not too nervous I hope…"

I nodded. "I'm nervous alright…"

"Ignore the cameras… if you make it you'll have to get used to them… I'm pleased you came back anyway… you have a sweet voice…"

"Thank you…" I felt myself go beetroot red… knowing all the people around me were looking and listening… Lou was grinning good naturedly at me but some of the looks and remarks were less than friendly… obviously not impressed that the great man himself had remembered me…

"Anyway I'd better move on… can't wait to hear you again…" He shook my hand.

"Jesus I feel… transparent…"

"You obviously made one hell of an impression…" Lou wasn't bothered… he unearthed a chunky KitKat and began to chomp happily… "Want a bite…?"

I shuddered… "No way… I feel sick as hell… How can you…?"

"Nerves! Always make me eat…" He finished the bar then retrieved a Mars bar from the other pocket… "Besides it's energy… want to impress them with my vitality… Sure you don't want a bite? It'd put some colour in your cheeks…"

"Jesus, do you want me to throw up?"

"Well… You are a serious contender…"

I laughed… there was no malice in Lou, even though he sometimes pulled some of the worst pranks…

 

"OK…nice to see you again Niall… I'll quickly run down what's going to happen today… We're listening to all of you sing a chosen song then eliminating 150 of you… Hopefully there will be 25 lads and 25 lasses left for a nice even fight but that depends on quality… never let me stand accused of being sexist… That final 50 will make up the 'cast' so to speak of the TV show… and the public will start to vote for who they want… the first show will half the number again then each week we'll lose another five. Obviously as there becomes less of you we focus more on your personalities… I anticipate we'll be filming the final few in their daily life… work, college, home, friends… And there'll also be a special camp for the final five… It's going to be lots of hard work… but it will seem like playtime compared to what the eventual winner will go through… it's not easy being famous…" He gave me a big smile… "So Niall… you still want to go through with this?"

I nodded… I wasn't really focusing on the loss of privacy, the hard work… all I was thinking about was being famous… and rich! So I could try in some small way to make it up to my family for all I had put them through… my illness and my sexuality… And of course spoil Liam who had got me through it all… Louis smiled again.

"OK Niall…sing me a song…"

I had picked a Bon Jovi song… One of the less well known ones from the 'Keep the faith' album… It was a ballad type but quite rocky and certainly not boring…

_'I never wanted the stars, never shot for the moon_  
 _I like them right where they are, all I wanted was you_  
 _So baby just turn away cos I can't face the truth_  
 _What I'm trying to say is all I wanted was you_  
 _I want you, I want you baby all I want is you'_

 

As usual when I sang my nerves disappeared and I knew my voice wasn't shaking… Louis and Linda were clapping and Louis gave me a friendly smile… "You have a very versatile voice Niall… and it's very expressive… if you'd like to wait around till we've seen everyone…"

"Thank you…" I escaped to where Lou was waiting to go in…

"Did you knock 'em dead then?"

"Don't know… Jeez I'm glad it's over… got any chocolate left…?" Suddenly I was starving…

 

It was a long day… and a nerveracking one… I sat fiddling with my mobile, wanting to ring Liam in the worst way as I knew his exam would be over… But I stayed strong… About 3.30pm the door opened and Liam walked in… He looked exhausted…

"Liam! What are you doing here?"

"Came to give you some support…" He flopped down next to me and gave me that smile… That smile he used when he couldn't touch me, couldn't hug me yet wanted me to know how much he loved me… I smiled back…

"How'd the exam go?"

"OK… more importantly how did you do?"

It wasn't more important… but I smiled again… "Well I think it went all right… I'm just waiting to see if I get through to the final fifty…Louis remembered me!"

"No shit?" Liam was impressed… then he lowered his voice. "Mind you, how could anyone forget someone as gorgeous as you…"

I blushed… "Liam.."

"Just stating the truth…" he winked… "Where's Lou?"

"Loo… overdose of chunky kitkats I think!"

As Louis Walsh came out to speak I bit my lip and twisted my hands together… trying to tell myself that it wasn't the end of the world if they didn't want me… that I was alive, something that had looked extremely unlikely just over three years ago… And I had Liam, true love which happened to so few people… I was so fortunate… being a 'pop idol' wasn't that important… was it?

"OK… numbers 107, 95, 301, 476, 215…"

215! That was me… I let out a sigh… I hadn't realised I'd been holding my breath… Liam put a gentle hand on my shoulder…

"It's OK Ni, you can breathe now… you're through…"

I was shaking… trembling… I hadn't realised how worked up about this I was… I took a couple of deep breaths… then remembered Lou… I hadn't taken any notice of any more of the numbers being called out… "Lou…?"

He was grinning… "Yeah I'm through… looks like I can handle the stress a bit better than you mate!"

I smiled… I could smile now… Louis was asking us all to stay behind a minute…

"Congratulations – all of you. Now we'll get to the really exciting bit… I just wanted to say that I or Linda or Simon will be sending for each of you for a brief interview this week… just to really let you know what you're in for etc… so don't worry when I call you… I won't have changed my mind… Now go and celebrate…"

I didn't need telling twice… me, Lou and Liam were down the pub sharpish… I felt as though a load was off my mind although I'd soon be going through it again. When it was Lou's round and he was at the bar I moved closer to Liam…

"Thanks for coming…"

"No problem… I was thinking about you…"

"Not during your exam I hope!" I put on a mock stern voice…

"Trying not to… but Ni… you rule my life and my thoughts and you know that…" He touched the back of my hand… "I've seen you suffer so much… I don't want to ever see you suffer again… through anything…"

I felt a lump form in my throat… I could feel the truth in Liam's words…I wanted to ask him so many things but Lou was there balancing bottles so it wasn't the time…

 

But that night as I undressed for bed I looked at Liam… as he sat reading in bed…

"Liam…what was it like… when I was sick…?"

He closed the book and gave me a puzzled look… "What do you mean…?"

"I really can't remember much… bits and pieces…pain… me being so scared I'd die without you holding me… my 18th birthday…" I twisted the ring on my wedding finger… "How special you made it…"

"It was the most terrible and yet most beautiful time of my life if that makes sense… I really thought I'd lose you… there was no hope… And it hurt so much to see you in so much pain and be unable to help… That's when I made a promise… if you lived you would be the most important thing in my life – ever… so you are… I'll be there for you Ni… even if it means I don't pass my finals…"

"But I want you to Liam… I want you to follow your dreams too…"

"Niall… you're the only dream I have that's worth anything…"

I hugged him… feeling the tears well up, burying my face in the soft cuddly jumper he was wearing…

"Liam… I… love you so very very much…"

"I know that… and I know how much this pop idol thing means to you… I saw it on your face… but I don't know why Ni… why it's so important… so I'm having trouble understanding this…"

"I don't know why either…" I kept my face hidden… "I just want to… be famous… is that so wrong…?"

"No love…" He rubbed my back. "Now don't get upset… it'll happen Ni…"

I felt him kiss my hair… I lifted my face and looked into his amazing eyes… our lips met…

We made love passionately that night… with an urgency neither of us seldom felt… He was pushing deep into me, hitting my prostate everytime and my legs were wrapped round him, pushing him even further… Our pants and moans filled the air and not for the first time did I thank my lucky stars we had the attic room. Yet as we both came and he collapsed into my arms I felt a shiver run through me… why did we make love so desperately? As if we were running out of time…? Was it yet another premonition… like that awful dream… I shivered again…

"Hey Ni… you cold?"

"A bit…" I lied… I couldn't tell him… it sounded stupid even to me…  
  
Liam smiled and pulled the duvet over us, cradling me to his chest… "Go to sleep babe… it's been a long day."

I cuddled up as close as possible and closed my eyes… praying for happy dreams…

 

 

 

I was too tired to dream at all the next couple of nights. I had lots to catch up on from university and now I was in the final 50 that would increase big time… I had to hit the books in a major way… Liam was also studying hard and we would sit in a companionable silence each night, each of us studying… me breaking off to give a piano lesson every now and then… and back to the books… I realised I might have to put teaching piano on hold if I got any further, I seemed to have no time for myself or Liam… I was even too tired to make love which was scary!

Then one night I came in and Lily was waiting for me…

"Niall, a Mr Walsh called you today… said for you to call him back on this number…"

Hands shaking I took the piece of paper… It was his mobile number… I was shocked that he would leave his mobile number for me… Lily smiled at me…

"He sounded very nice love… why don't you ring him on the phone in the living room… better reception than your mobile…"

"It'll be expensive…"

"So? Its only once… and it is your future…"

"I doubt that, I've just been lucky so far… but thanks Lily…" I went into the living room.

It barely rang before it was picked up… "Hello Louis Walsh here!"

"Mr Walsh? It's Niall Horan… you left a message with Lily… my landlady…" I was nervous and my voice was shaking.

"Ah yes, Niall… didn't like ringing your mobile in case you were in a lecture… I'd hate to get you into trouble at this stage of the game… How are you?"

"Good thanks…"

"Looking forward to Saturday?"

I gave a nervous laugh… "I'm not sure…I think so?"

"Just relax…you'll love it. Anyway, you remember I said the judges would like to have a little chat with you all… would you be able to come to my office tomorrow evening?"

"Oh yes…" My heart leapt – purely because I had been shit scared I'd have to talk to Simon Cowell…

"What time do you finish uni?"

"Between 3.30 and 4.00pm."

"Then shall we say 4.30pm…? At my office…"

"That's fine…"

"Do you know where it is?"

"Not really…" He gave me the directions.

"Looking forward to meeting you properly Niall… See you then!" I put the phone down in a daze… I had been speaking to Louis Walsh, had his mobile number, was going to his office… A smile spread across my face and I sat down at the piano…

That was how Liam found me when he got in… playing the same few notes over and over… "Niall, what's wrong…?"

"Nothing…" I gave him a big grin… "Louis Walsh wants to talk to me tomorrow night… so I might be late…"

He grinned back… "Great… give me a ring and I'll meet you… we could go for a meal…"

"Can we afford it?"

"You're going to be a multi millionaire – of course we can afford it! No…. seriously I'm going to work casual at the docks again after my finals so yes we can!" Part of me didn't like that… that he had to do such a hard job in order to help us through… it had been bad enough when I was sick – when there was no alternative but now I was well I felt more than guilty…

"Liam… maybe you could get me a job too…?"

He gave me a stunned look… "No way Niall… you're going to be far too busy with pop idol…"

"But I could get dropped… then I could…"

"Niall you are not working on the docks – ever! It's too hard physically for you…"

"I'm not an invalid, Liam… I'm clear, remember…"

"And you still have over two years to go before that's official…remember!" I stepped back as though I'd been slapped… we never talked about the statutory 'five year period' before I would be finally discharged from the hospital… I never thought about it – but Liam must have. Was he living thinking I'd get sick again?

Liam must have realised his words had hit me because he moved closer to me. "I'm sorry Niall… I shouldn't have said that?"

"Why not? You obviously think it! And it's the truth after all!" My voice was chilly.

"I know it's the truth and I try not to think about it at all… but how do I forget…? Sometimes I get so scared." So it wasn't just me who was frightened... I looked up at him – his eyes were so very brown…

"Liam… I'm not going to die…"

"I know that… but…but…"

He didn't finish the words just wrapped his arms around me… I leaned against him. "Liam, I'm sorry."

"For what sweetheart? You've done nothing wrong."

"I'm sorry I was sick…"

"Niall you stupid bugger, you couldn't help that…" he pulled me closer…

"I know but I still feel responsible…"

"Niall… it's not your fault… it was fate… and fate chose that you were going to recover… because you are destined for great things…" Liam kissed my hair.

"As long as I'm with you… that's all that matters…"

"You'll always be with me… trust me… I love you…"

We stayed like that in each others arms for a long while – then moved upstairs… I didn't want to get caught by Lily or Jack, they loved us and didn't _mind_ our relationship but it wasn't what they believed in and we tried not to flaunt it… I spent the night in Liam's arms… sod the essays and revision. We needed quality time together… our life together was about us… anything else took second place…

 

But after we'd made love and Liam was asleep I lay awake thinking… we'd both had these fears about me and my illness and yet neither had spoken to the other about them… I suppose it was natural… I'd faced death twice in 18 years… it was a distant but ever present shadow… it was bound to make Liam think… Had I been naïve to think it could just disappear… I prayed that night…

 

 

But 4.30 the next day found me knocking on the office door… to my surprise Louis answered it himself. "Hi Niall… prompt as well? That's a very good sign… come in and sit down!"

I did as he asked… he sat down too and picked up my application form… then he smiled at me. "Don't worry Niall… it's just to get to know you better… and let you know what you're letting yourself in for. You might be running screaming by the time I tell you…" I gave him a little smile…

"OK Niall… you're from Mullingar… and twenty one years old… that's good… you'll probably be able to deal with media intrusion a little better than say you were eighteen… So tell me a bit about your family… are they supportive of you becoming a pop idol if it happens?"

"Oh yes… they'd be dead proud… I'm the middle child of five… We're all musical…" I talked enthusiastically about my family for a few minutes… Louis smiled…I didn't realise that as well as listening to me he was watching me intently… gauging my personality… my star quality…

"So they'd cope with the media attention… that's good… Now… how about relationships…? Have you a partner at the minute Niall?"

I thought for a second. I wanted to tell him yes… tell him about the wonderful person in my life who had saved me… given me so much, but I couldn't say that. If Louis found out about Liam… that I was gay, my life in pop idol would be over… If I had been straight and with a girl it would have been bad enough… I would have lessened my chances but being honest would cost me everything.

So I made the hardest decision of my life and denied him. "No… no relationship… I'm too busy at the moment…" I flashed Louis a smile… a smile I hoped he'd believe then averted my eyes… I might be able to lie – l sure as hell couldn't lie well…

"That's good too… as callous as that sounds… it's best if you appear 'available' and you'll meet plenty of stunning girls in this business… Now… a really important question… any skeletons in your cupboards… any shocking kiss and tells going to appear… You know… secret kids etc…?"

"No…" The bit about the kids I could answer honestly. There would never be any children, not just because of my sexuality but all the treatment and drugs I had been filled with had effectively sterilized me… something else I tried not to think about…

"Good… sorry for all the questions… I'm sure you can see why I have to ask them…" I nodded.

"Right… I know we keep saying this but once you appear on TV that is it, you lose any aspects of your private life… fans will approach you on the streets, you might get abuse too… Cameras will be everywhere and not just ours… freelance paparazzi… its not all fun and games Niall. Are you certain you can handle this? Want to handle this?"

"Yes…" To my relief I sounded confident. He smiled at me and held out his hand.

"I'm glad to hear that… I have high hopes for you Niall…" Hand shaking I shook his hand… He looked down at my fingers… fuck… I'd forgot I was wearing the ring… mine and Liam's symbol of commitment…

"Thought you said there was no one, Niall?" Louis's voice was very even and calm…

"There isn't… My best friend gave me this… It's the only finger it goes on…" The lie came easily…

"Best friend?"

"Yeah… remember I share a bedsit with him? It's on my form… He's training to be a teacher…"

"Ah yes…" Louis smiled. "But even so… I'd try and get it on your opposite hand or off altogether… at least for the show…"

"OK…" I nodded.

"Well see you Saturday… And good luck Niall…"

"Thank you."

 

I rang Liam as I stood on the Dublin street… within ten minutes he was there… smiling broadly…"How'd it go?"

"OK…" But I was running the conversation over in my mind… I'd denied Liam, promised to take off the ring… the symbol of our love… A love that had kept me alive three years ago… suddenly I felt sick… what was happening here…?

 

 

 

I didn't speak to Liam about what Louis had said about the ring business… Although as Saturday drew nearer I knew I would have to say something – if only to explain why it was no longer on my wedding ring finger… It fit my right hand but didn't feel right there. My left hand felt naked. I would swap it over when Liam wasn't around… trying to get used to the feeling. More than the physical presence of it on my other hand was the mental realisation that I was betraying Liam. Liam – who had been my rock through all my problems… who had given up his family for me… I didn't know if I could do it…

I lay on my bed… Liam was at a revision class – he'd rung me to let me know he'd be late home, he knew I worried… So this quiet time was giving me time for introspection… I wanted to become a Pop Idol so badly… Yet I couldn't say why (well I could, but only to myself…) But was it worth it? Worth the feeling I was betraying Liam… my reason for living, quite literally…

There was a knock on the door… "Ni lad… you in there?" It was Lily, my landlady and second mother!

"Yeah… come in…"

She came in smiling, the smile faded when she saw me laid face down on the bed… "Are you feeling alright Niall?"

"Yes… just got a lot on my mind…" I rolled over and gave her a smile… Relief spread over her face then concern…

"What's worrying you?"

"Oh everything… nothing…"

"This Pop Idol thing?" She was very perceptive. I nodded. "Niall love, don't go worrying yourself about that… you've done very well to get into the last fifty… and I'm sure that you will go much further, that all those people who watch you on TV will love you like we do…"

I gulped back the tears… I was always sensitive at the best of times… she sat on the bed… "Niall, you are very talented… you have a lovely personality and if that comes through on TV lots of people are going to fall in love with you…"

I wiped my eyes… "Not if they … find out about me…" Lily looked at me… she knew I didn't mean the bit about me having had leukaemia … I swallowed hard again…

"You mean because you're gay…?" I nodded because I did not trust my voice.

"Niall… I'll be honest here… when I found out about you and Liam… I was shocked and I didn't approve. And to be honest… if you hadn't been so ill at the time I probably would have asked you to leave my house…" I nodded again… I knew that… Lily gave me a smile and continued…

"But that would have been to my cost… I would have missed out on knowing two of the sweetest, kindest, most loving boys I could imagine meeting… The way Liam looked after you when you were sick… if that wasn't true love then I don't know what is… I don't look at you two and think 'oh they're gay, they sleep together'… I look at you and think 'there's a couple really in love'…"

It was a frank speech for Lily and it made me feel better. I often wondered what she really thought about us… if she had really accepted our love and now I realised she had. I gave her a smile…

"So you're worried about them finding out? Hadn't you thought about this…?"

"Yes… it's just that…" I took a deep breath… "When I spoke to Louis Walsh the other day he asked me if I had a partner… I said… I said I hadn't…" I could feel the tears threatening me… Lily said nothing… but she ruffled my hair almost soothingly…

"I had to Lily… if I'd had a girlfriend it would have been the same… you know that pop stars are supposed to be single and available… it wasn't just because I love a man… love Liam…"

"I can see that… so…?"

"Then Louis saw my ring… he asked me about it… I told him… told him a friend gave it me, my room mate…"

"Then you didn't lie…"

"I didn't tell the truth though… and… and he told me I'd be better off taking it off for the programme or putting it on my other hand."

Lily nodded. "So, what's the problem?"

"I feel I'm betraying Liam…I love him. Lily."

"I know that and so does he… so talk to him about it. I'm sure he'll understand."

"I feel so bad…"

"Niall, you are going to have enough to think about without worrying over something you can avoid… speak to Liam about it…" I nodded and suddenly needed to be hugged… I wordlessly held out my arms. Lily smiled and pulled me to her…

"Thank you Lily… for everything…"

"Thank you Niall… for bringing something into my life… something I thought I'd lost a long time ago." I knew she was talking about her grandson who had died of meningitis… I hugged her harder… maybe we both needed each other…

"Now then you will talk to Liam about this… promise me?"

"Yes…" and I meant it…

"Good… now come to dinner… can't have a future pop idol moping about on his own… or burning his beans…" My cooking prowess was legendary…

Liam was a star… hesitantly I told him everything… tears in my eyes… He was silent a long while… then he took my hand and slipped the ring off my left hand and onto the right… "Problem solved!"

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"Not as much as the thoughts you've been worrying yourself sick over it… Yes, I'd rather it be on the finger its meant for but that's life… You won't win pop idol if people know you're involved and I want you to win… I know you can Niall…" He kissed my hair…

"I'm sorry Liam…"

"Sorry for what? Having a dream…? Jesus Niall…once all I wanted for you was for you to live to have a dream… You don't know how happy it makes me to have you standing here with such an opportunity… it makes all that you suffered worth while…"

I buried my face in his neck. So safe and warm. He made me safe and whole. And how could I have underestimated him…? I knew him better than I knew myself… and he sure knew me better than I knew myself! I sank into his arms… feeling his arms wrap around me, feeling him whisper 'I love you'. His hands slid down my back and came to rest on my arse, squeezing it lightly… I pressed towards him… feeling his excitement.. his damp mouth against my ear… "Love you babe…"

I held him tightly, wanting… no, needing to feel him in me… wanting us to become one… We had been so busy lately there was no doubt our sex life was suffering… "Liam… please…"

He laughed, the vibrations tickling my ear… "You want it baby?"

"Liam… don't tease…"

"OK… you'd better be ready for this…"

Before I could nod my assent my earlobe was sucked into his mouth… I yelped a little as his teeth nipped it sharply… The yelp turned into something akin to a purr as his tongue soothed the skin then trailed wetly down my neck…over my collar bone…

Meanwhile his hands were squeezing and kneading my arse through the denim of my jeans… I moaned and thrust against him. My own excitement clearly evident and meeting his… One of his hands was round the front of my jeans, fumbling with the button. Before I realised what was happening I was stood in my boxers, a pool of denim round my feet. With one quick move he ripped my top over my head… leaving me almost naked and very vulnerable… But it was a delicious feeling… I reached for his shirt but he pushed my hands away…

"Uh-uh Horan… I don't mind you changing the ring over, but there's a price…"

"What…?" My breathing was getting heavier.

"You… completely submissive for once… mine to do as I like with…"

I shivered with excitement… Liam wanted to play… and I liked the idea… I nodded… "Whatever you say…"

He looked at me… "Right then. Into the shower…"

"But… I had one when I came in…"

"I want you to have another… and wash all the important places…" He gave me a little laugh… "And I'll be along to check in a minute…"

Muttering under my breath I stripped off my underwear and socks and got into the shower… Liam's voice rang out, "And don't be making it cold to kill that passion…"

If I got any more passionate it would be wasted as I didn't think I could hold out… Liam was deliberately making me wait, drawing it out… I reached between my legs…the tiger wanted to play. "Oh no, you don't…" I was gently but firmly thrust against the wall… "Whose in charge?"

"You," I whimpered…feeling the erection wither as it came into contact with the cold tiles on the wall.

Liam laughed and kissed my shoulder blade … then bit me hard. "Ouch…"

"Sorry… Just marking my territory…" He lapped at the spot then ran his hands down my back. They, and my back were slippery with soap and there was no pain when he slid his fingers into me… Eagerly I backed onto them…

"Liam…"

He said nothing… but his fingers were suddenly gone leaving unwelcome empty space inside me… I moaned. Which changed to a cry of pleasure as he entered me suddenly… thrusting hard so my nose was pressed up against the tiles. His fingers dug into my waist to steady himself on the slippery floor.

I groaned. It was rare Liam was this rough when we made love - but it wasn't unpleasant. I braced myself against the wall and welcomed the thrusts… I could tell I wasn't going to come, Liam had no intention of touching me and although I sometimes came from the effects of having my prostate stimulated as it was being now, my erection was refusing to come and play as it was squashed against cold tiles. This was going to be for Liam. Oh well, I owed him it…

I yelped again as his teeth sank into my opposite shoulder and his arms wrapped around my waist. I guessed he wouldn't last long and I was right. With a cry I felt him shudder, felt his warmth run into me… felt his weight against my back as his own body went limp. I braced myself. His head was on my shoulder.

"Sorry Niall… I just couldn't help myself… I had to fuck you hard…" I swallowed… Liam rarely talked like that… usually our lovemaking was gentle… a legacy of the time he hardly dare touch me because I was so weak and sore and tender. Yet his words excited me, part of me had felt so alive as he had taken control of me… I felt my neglected erection stir into life again… Carefully trying not to slip I turned in his arms and met his lips… We kissed hungrily, I sucked his tongue into my mouth, trying to regain some semblance of control… Inside I was weak at the knees… wanting Liam to make me whole again…

When we broke apart we eyed each other… "I'm sorry," he repeated again.

"Don't be!"

"But I hurt you?"

"No…" That wasn't true. I could feel the bites smarting and the places that would be bruises later where he had dug his fingers in… Not to mention my arse was tender too… But it was worth it, a pleasurable pain… Don't get me wrong, I don't get off on pain… but it was a feeling… a reminder that I was still alive, still able to feel pain, pleasure and emotions…

"I want to make you feel good too…" I nodded, wondering what he had in mind. Liam always made me feel good. No matter what… but I was `open' to experimentation.

"Let's wash you first…"

I was puzzled as he washed me thoroughly and all over with some strawberry scented shower gel. "Liam…" I whined. "I smell like a girl…"

"Stop moaning… you'll taste all the better for it…" He licked his lips suggestively… and I shivered! He took me into the bedroom and lay me on the bed… then stood looking at me…

"Ni… Do you trust me?"

"Yes…" My answer was immediate and unfaltering. He smiled. Next thing I knew, I couldn't see a fucking thing… He'd blindfolded me.

"Liam…"

"Shhhh babe…" He was taking my wrist, tying some soft fabric around it… I pulled it, aware too late of what he was doing to me… I was secured by my wrists to the old fashioned bed…

"Liam…"

"Just relax… and try not to kick me, love…"

I lay panting a little… uncertainty but mainly excitement… We'd never played like this before and I was loving it! I felt him lift my legs and hoped I was going to get some foreplay. Something soft, warm and wet swept up my thigh towards my groin… I shuddered, realising Mark was licking my thighs. I tried not to wriggle too much, not to kick him by accident. I felt his hands part my arse cheeks…

"Ouch!" His teeth had sank into my arse…

"Just spotted unclaimed territory… sorry…" I felt his laugh against my arse cheek…

"Liam, get Lily to feed you more…"

"I prefer you as the main course Niall…"

"So, what now?" I felt vulnerable in the position I was in - yet I was loving it.

"Dessert… And I can't talk with my mouth full…" Suddenly something warm and wet was in me! I knew it was Liam's tongue and I couldn't stifle the scream of pleasure… It was so gentle and soothing to the flesh bruised by his earlier fucking…lapping at my inner core…

"Liam… please… please…" It was so intense… so intimate… just keeping still was the hardest thing I had ever done… The feeling was building in my groin… everywhere… And still that sensation. I couldn't hold it in… Liam was nowhere near my erection but I came violently over my stomach…crying in pleasure, almost in pain by the intensity of the orgasm.

"That nice?" I realised with a pang of regret I was empty again… but yet with relief too… My heart wouldn't stand much more of that.

"Nice… isn't… the… word… Try… fucking amazing…"

I felt him slip the blindfold off, untie me… I lay, drained… but smiling… Then Mark was licking my stomach… or 'sharing dessert' as he put it… I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him up to kiss him, tasting myself on him… truly together!

We lay in each other's arms a long while… I felt his fingers exploring the marks he had made on my body… "Sorry babe… but you're mine… every part of you… It doesn't matter what finger that ring's on… it means the same… You're mine Niall Horan… for eternity…"

I nodded happily. I felt the same way and far more happy than I had done… Liam understood – how could I have doubted him, he didn't doubt me. Whatever happened - we would be together.

 

I fell asleep, comforted by the feel of his firm stomach pressed against my firm arse, his arms round me. I had Liam, I could take on the world and win… I had already cheated death. I could win pop idol… nothing was out of my reach. And Liam would be there to share it with me.

 

 

I took a deep breath, trying to control my racing heart and hoping against hope that I wasn't going to throw up – again! 'Calm down' I told myself… It was early Saturday morning and I was just getting ready for the first filming of Pop Idol… my first TV appearance – and I was shit scared… My stomach was lurching once more… I found myself heaving over the toilet bowl…

"You OK Ni?" It was Liam, making us breakfast – that was a joke… I couldn't stomach anything… although I wasn't bringing anything up…

"No… I can't do this Liam…"

"Of course you can…" He was calm.

"No I can't… I don't want to…"

"OK then don't! I'll ring Louis Walsh and tell him you're pulling out… Then we can go up to Malahide for the day… some crisp sea air will put the colour in your cheeks… I'll phone him now, shall I?"

Cautiously I peeked out of the bathroom door… I didn't think he'd actually do it but… he was stood there grinning.

"Nothing like a good shock to cure your sickness…"

"You twat…"

"Have a cup of tea and calm down… You've got forty five minutes before we have to leave… I've splashed out on a taxi for us…"

"Thanks Liam…"

"And your new shirt's hung up over there… Lily pressed it for you and your good jeans…"

"OK." What would I do without either of them…?

"I hope this is worth it?"

"What do you mean?"

"This sudden investment in your wardrobe… how many new shirts is this…?"

"I've got to look good Liam. I mean, I'll be singing on TV…"

"I know… what you singing and please don't tell me its that depressing fucking song….?" He meant 'Seasons in the Sun'.

"I talked it over with Peter… We can do a song we've already done so I'm doing 'As long as you love me' by the Backstreet Boys.

Liam smiled. "Good choice… how you feeling?"

"Scared… sick…sore in the arse where some twat fucked me too hard…"

"Sorry about that!"

"Don't be… it was fun…"

"Not getting into the pain thing, are you? Will I have to buy a whip?"

"Liam!"

"Sorry, just teasing… Come on, you need to be getting ready…"

 

I surveyed myself in the mirror… Nice tight jeans, a great dark blue shirt with a paler blue line running through it… It looked good with my blond hair… My tendency to occasional spots was nowhere to be seen, thank god, and my hair for once was straight… It was getting longer and with the length came the tendency to curls in the neck… Maybe I would have to get it trimmed – it was a bastard to keep straight…

"You look good enough to eat…" Liam came and without warning took me in his arms… "In fact… I might ring Louis and tell him you've been kidnapped…by me…"

"Haha…" I kissed him hard on the lips… I never tired of Liam… his hands… his mouth… his body – everything.

 

Lily was waiting to see me leave… "You look grand Niall…all the girls will be voting for you…"

"Errr…" I blushed and she laughed… "And the lads as well…"

"They'd better not think about fancying him… He's mine!" Liam put an arm round me.

"I wish you'd get your hair cut, though… a nice lad like you looking so…"

"Sexy!" Liam finished for her. She tutted, but her eyes were dancing.  
  
"You show 'em what you're made of." She hugged me tight.

"Will do, and thanks…for everything…"

"As long as you remember me when you're famous…"

"Lily I'd never forget you… and I don't think I'll be famous…"

The taxi beeped at that minute… "Good luck…" Liam and I ran to the car through the damp early morning… This was it…

 

I couldn't see Lou when I got in… but Louis Walsh came straight over… "Hiya Niall… nice and early… are you nervous…?"

I looked round at all the cameras… "Just a bit…"

"Don't be… You'll have to sing for us judges again but this time it will be a bit more of a production… with mikes and whatever… Although you'll do the whole song only a short clip will be shown tonight… also the presenter may talk to you a little… Then its shown at 7.00pm tonight… after that there's a phone vote with a live result at 10.30pm… That decides the 25 who will go forward…Is that OK?"

I nodded. However much Louis wanted me to succeed and I genuinely believed he did, he couldn't help me anymore… the Irish public were the only ones who could… What if they didn't like me? What if they thought I was crap…? I could do nothing about it… all I could do was sing my heart out and pray…

"Hiya Ni…" Lou bounced up… "Looking forward to this?"

"Not one bit… how about you…?"

"Just a walk in the park…" Why couldn't I be that calm?

 

All too soon I was being called in to sing… the sound engineer talked me through using the microphone and I was ready… or as ready as I'd ever be! "And next up… twenty year old Niall Horan from Mullingar… singing the Backstreet Boy's classic… As long as you love me…' I stepped onto the stage and began to sing.

 

I don't remember a lot of it. I actually wasn't aware of the cameras on me... only the need to sing my best for Liam, my parents who would see me in Pop Idol for the first time that night… and oddly enough for Louis Walsh who seemed to have so much faith in me… As the music faded and the red light went out I heaved a sigh of relief.

But it wasn't over… I had to go to Louis and the other judges to get their opinion. Although it wasn't their decision any more I was acutely aware that their words could influence the audience big time. Hoping my shakes weren't too obvious I approached the panel.

Linda went first… "Hiya Niall. Nice to see you again. You sang that really well… there was a lot of the Backstreet Boys in it but plenty of self expression… I really liked that."

I thanked her and became aware that it was Simon Cowell next…I had the feeling he didn't like me… he gave me his usual sardonic smile.

"Well it was better than 'Seasons in the Sun'…I have to say that it was a bit too boyband for me but you have got an expressive and versatile voice… which is more than a lot of people who think they can sing have… It didn't make me want to shoot myself…"

Why couldn't he just be nice for once and say he liked something…? I looked at Louis. He was smiling kindly.

"Very good Niall. Like Linda said you put plenty of yourself into it and you came across very strongly. Your confidence is increasing…"

"It doesn't feel like it!"

Louis smiled again… "But it is Niall, trust me. I enjoyed it – a lot!"

I went to the little room where we could chill after we'd performed but one of the floor crew touched my arm "Niall Horan?"

"Yes… why?"

"Johnny would like to talk to you for tonight's show…" Johnny Logan, ex-Louis Walsh protégé and twice Eurovision winner for Ireland and Pop Idol host… I followed her, not noticing my legs were shaking again…

"Hiya Niall…" He was really friendly. "Great performance… We'd like to ask you a little about yourself for tonight's show."

"OK…"

"Right then Niall… what made you want to be Pop Idol?"

"I don't rightly know… My lecturer mentioned it and I thought I'd give it a go…"

"And here you are, down to the last fifty." He smiled at me and then at the camera. "Which might not seem that hard but over 2,000 people auditioned… Is it scary knowing that people you'll probably never meet will decide whether your dream comes true or shatters…?"

"Very… but if I don't win… I'll still have my music…"

"You're a music student and a piano teacher I believe… what do your students say about you being on Pop Idol…?"

"They don't know yet!" I grinned.

"It's going to be a bit different after tonight..."

"You bet, especially after that performance… was that the first time you've performed for a camera?"

"Yes…"

"Were you nervous…?"

"You could say that…"

"Well you didn't seem it…you were very self assured… You're from Mullingar, aren't you?"

"Born and bred…"

"Everyone will be voting for you there then?"

"I don't know… I hope so…"

"Nice talking to you Niall… and good luck…"

"Thanks a lot…" I shook his hand and escaped back to the green room and Liam.

 

It was boring just sitting around. Louis joined us after a while… The judges had liked him but he hadn't been interviewed. Finally it was over… I was just leaving to get home to watch it with Liam, Lily and Jack when Louis Walsh stopped me. "That was very good today Niall…"

"Let's hope the audience think so…"

Louis nodded. "Your confidence was a great contrast from that first time I heard you… you're really starting to come out of yourself Niall… even Simon noticed it!"

"He did?"

"Yes… he was very impressed. It was good how your performance was consistently strong throughout the whole song, many of the others only did a decent 30 seconds or so…thinking that's the bit they're going to show. We don't know what bit we'll use yet but all yours was good." He patted me on the arm."Go home, watch your performance and you'll see what I mean and have a drink – you deserve it."

"Thank you." I dashed to catch up with Liam.

It was so funny seeing myself on TV… I didn't look or sound like me, at least in my opinion… It was if some stranger had borrowed my body for three and a half minutes… But Louis and Simon were right… I was confident… not arrogantly so but in a relaxed way…

Lily was almost crying with pride… "Oh Niall… my little boy…" She hugged me… Liam was laughing… Then my mobile started to ring… it was my mam and dad… all excited…

"Oh Nialler, you were great… We've just voted for you… I didn't realise you were that good…"

"Thanks a lot…" but I smiled…  
  
"I'm so proud of you…"

"Really?" That was all I wanted. Their pride… That I hadn't let them down too badly by being ill and by being gay.

"Yes really… Charlie wants a word…" Out of the corner of my eye I could see Lily phoning to vote and also Liam with his mobile… I certainly had support…

 

I could hardly bear to switch the TV on at 10.30 but I had to… I closed my eyes as the results flashed up… then I felt Liam squeezing me… "You're through Ni… in 5th place…"

I opened my eyes and took my face out of the cushion. "You're joking?"

"No, I'm not…"

"Did… did Lou get through…?"

"Yeah in 14th place…"

"Oh wow… oh wow…"

As if to confirm this my mobile rang again… It was Louis Walsh. "I told you you were good this afternoon… believe it now…?"

"I know… It's … unbelievable…"

"No, it's not. You have talent… See you next week. Same time, same place, different song. OK? And well done Niall…"

I lay in bed that night…overcome with emotions… I didn't hear Liam speaking to me until he sat on my stomach…

"Ow! What the fuck was that for?"

"To get your attention… Is it going to your head already?"

"Of course not… I'm… I'm…. just a bit thrown…"

"I bet… in fifth place… that's a lot of little girls' votes…"

"Or little old ladies who felt sorry for me…"

"Nah… you're too cute for your own good…"

"Who came above me…?"

"That dark haired guy, Andrew was first… You know, the one who loves himself…? Then the mousy haired one Antony… that girl Maria… and the dark haired guy Zayn…"

"They're all good…"

"Yeah and so are you…" I felt a soft hand snake down my stomach, and into my boxers…

"At what though?"

"Now now… Seriously, I watched you on that TV tonight and… Well, all I could think of was 'he loves me… my marks are all over his body under his designer shirt'… and it was a great feeling… I love you Niall Horan…"

"Well stop talking and show me then. Come to think of it, it's about time I got my revenge…" Laughing I sank my teeth lightly into his shoulder. This was better than anything - even fame!


	12. T-W-E-L-V-E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lou = Louis Tomlinson. Louis = Louis Walsh.

I don't know what I expected after that Saturday but life on the whole remained… ordinary. A few people at Uni congratulated me and Lou though. My piano pupils were either awe struck or playing it cool, depending on their age and I did get a few 'is that…?' remarks in shops. Nothing earth stopping though, although I became aware of just how big this Pop Idol idea was… the whole country seemed to be watching it… talking about it, though none of us had established a personality to stand out yet… I went the following Saturday just as nervous as the previous week, I'd done the usual barfing in the bathroom … for good luck as Liam would joke – it was definitely becoming my pre-performance ritual…

I was singing Take That's 'Back for Good' though I wanted so much to get away from the boyband songs and made up my mind if I got any further I would go with something different for the next show… That was confirmed when Andrew or 'Drew' as he liked to be called sang 'How deep is your love' and Zayn did 'Picture of you'

The judges seemed to like me again… although Simon did make another boyband remark…with raised eyebrows… and Johnny chatted to me for the show again… that surprised me… He wanted to know my family and friends reaction… I was smiling as I told them about Lily… Jack had asked me to mention her

"But Niall… you have a lot of fans?"

"How do you mean?" I was puzzled

"Well, you came fifth in popularity last week and we asked some viewers what they thought of you. Want to see?"

I felt the blush creep over my cheeks. "I don't believe you're doing this to me."

I watched the tape… mainly young teenage girls… "Which one's my favourite… I like the dark haired guy with the face of an angel from Dublin and the cute little one from Mullingar…" Oh jesus.

"Oh definitely Niall… Niall… I voted for you ten times. I want to kiss you." I was the colour of a beetroot now

"Well I fancy Drew, he's soo sexy but I wouldn't kick Niall out of bed either, can you give them my number?"  
  
I was glad when I could escape… of course I had realised people were voting for me, liked me but I had shut it to the back of my mind, thinking it was family and friend… But that was so naïve… it had to be thousands to get me to #5… Oh god what was I starting…? Back in the green room Lou was killing himself laughing and I knew they'd been able to see the tape… Liam was smiling but I thought it looked a little forced… I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I didn't get chance.

Not until that night in bed… I remained in easily… and went up to #3 behind Drew and Zayn… Lou climbed to #9 so he was on the phone really happy and it was late when I got to bed. Liam was already there, reading. He had more finals that week.

"What's wrong babe?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, I saw your face when they showed me that tape… and tonight on TV."

"There's nothing wrong…"

"Liam, tell me what the fuck I've done!"

He sighed. "Nothing babe. Honestly… It's me…"

"It's you what?"

"Me being jealous!"

 

I was stunned. I hadn't thought Liam was the type to get jealous…At least over something like… like what? I wasn't sure…

"Jealous…?"

"Yeah… All those girls fancying you… wanting your number… wanting to shag you… It's a strange feeling OK?"

I found my voice… "Yeah I can imagine… but… but unless you've forgotten… I don't go for girls…"

"OK, what if it was lads…?"

That threw me… but I answered immediately. "Wouldn't make a difference… I didn't fall in love with the idea of having a boyfriend or sex… I fell in love with you… and I won't love anyone else…"

Liam turned and I could see the tears in his eyes… "You mean that?"

"Of course I do, you pumpkin…" I kissed him. "They're only fancying me because I've been on TV… you fancied me when I was dying in a hospital, puking my guts up. I think I can make the choice easily enough."

"Oh Ni… I love you no matter what…" He pulled me close. "And I'm sorry… for being so possessive…"

"Don't be… I like it… it turns me on…" I dived under the bed clothes… tickling him…needing to feel him in me. But I woke in the early hours and wondered… would Pop Idol create a chasm…would it change things… I hoped not…

 

I was puzzling what song to do… I didn't want do yet another boyband anthem yet I didn't want to alienate my growing army of fans… Then I got a call from Simon Cowell. "Hello. It's Simon Cowell here Niall… just a routine call…"

My heart was pounding… "Hello."

"Everything alright then? Got your song for Saturday?"

"Not yet?"

"If you could spare us 'Love me for a reason' or 'Babe' I'd be grateful… Look Niall… I've been reading your application… You actually play instruments right?"

"Y… yes…"

"Then why don't you accompany yourself?"

"Am I allowed…?"

"Of course you are… And it would win you the votes of the anti – manufactured music brigade…"

I knew what he meant… the show was popular but there had been a lot of criticism in the press… for appealing more on looks than musical talent.

"OK… I'll bring my guitar…"

"Good kid…"

 

I went to practise…I'd have loved to have sung one of my own songs but I knew it had to be something fairly well known to catch the fickle eyes of the audience… Listening to an old U2 album I knew what I was going to do…

_'And all the promises that we made… from the cradle to the grave…_   
_When all I want is you…'_

 

I bit my lip as the last chord died away, knowing full well I could have blown it… then the applause started. "That was truly… amazing…" Louis was more animated than I'd ever seen him… "I was worried when you said you were going to play but it was fantastic…"

"Yeah… you did OK kid…" but Simon winked at me as I walked to the green room. That week was the week I got into the last 15… When the real following of our lives would start … and it was the first week I was #1 in the audience votes….

I was busy that week. There was a photo shoot for some press releases on the Thursday… and Liam had his biggest exam yet "I'm sorry I can't come with you, babe…"

"Liam, don't worry about it. Lou's there and … and well people might suspect if you go everywhere with me…"

"Suspect?"

"We're more than just friends… you know…"

"Yeah… I just want to give you some support…"

"I know that babe… I'd like to be there for you today too…"

"Well, they won't let you in the exam hall … and you'd be fucking useless doing a French literature exam…"

"I know…" I laughed at the thought…

"Look, ring me when you get a break… Tell me all about what a photo shoot is like… I'll be finished by two…"

"OK, will do…"

 

The photo shoot was boring… It was all 15 of us with just a couple of individual shots each… and lots of waiting about… I was stood laughing with Lou and watching Zayn talking to Drew. Drew was the most big headed twat you could imagine and Zayn Malik had seemed a really nice guy, so I didn't quite understand the friendship. Then Zayn was suddenly next to us and it became apparent he didn't understand it either…

"Do you mind if I talk to you… he's doing my bloody head in!"

I smiled… "Be my guest… what's he talking about anyway…?"

"His favourite topic – himself! How he had the lead in panto as Prince Charming…"

"More like Prince Charmless…" Lou's face was deadpan. We cracked up…

"You can say that… How he plays the piano… Writes songs… Shags a different girl every night… Oh, and what he's going to do when he wins…"

"Modest as well?" I was almost wetting myself… Lou could be so funny… Zayn was laughing too and all of a sudden I liked the guy… I had kept myself pretty much to myself apart from Lou – they were all competition and there was always the danger that the closer I got to people the more chance I had of slipping up about my illness or my sexuality… But I found myself chatting to Zayn easily…

Louis was watching us closely…. "You three come on for a group photo… just the three of you… the editor wants it for the colour supplement…"

Drew's eyes were like daggers. "Yeah, what is it? Beneton for uglies?"

Once upon a time I would have coloured bright red, but I just gave Drew a smile. 

"Come on guys…" Zayn said, as he dragged me and Lou away from Drew. So I made a new friend… which was nice. Zayn was much closer to me in the votes than Lou. It was between me, him and Drew at the minute. I thought he could win easily and would have preferred him to win a thousand times to Drew.

"Want to go for a drink you two?"

"I'd love to…" Lou was in there. Offer him food or alcohol and there was no hesitation… I shook my head.

"Sorry, I'm going out with Liam. It was his French lit exam today."

"Liam?"

"Ni's room mate and best mate."

"That's cool, bring him with you and come join us! We'll be in the Tired Man."

"OK." I waved good bye and hurried home.

 

Liam was laid on his stomach pouring over his French book and swearing… "Fuck… shit... I knew it… what an arse hole…"

"How'd it go babe?"

"Fucking terrible… I've failed it Niall, I know I have."

"Now come on… you have to be positive…"

"I know I've fucked it up!" He threw the book across the room. "Shit."

"There's always resits…" I was trying to help.

"Oh yeah? What if I said to you there's always next year for Pop Idol? You wouldn't see it like that, would you…?"

"I guess not…"

"I'm sorry Niall… I just, I can't believe I revised the wrong stuff…"

"It happens to everyone…Come on… Let's go for a drink…"

"Nah… I'm not in the mood…"

"Please… I told Lou and Zayn we'd meet them."

"Who's Zayn?"

I explained…

"Sorry Ni. I'd only ruin it… with the mood I'm in. You go…"

"Not without you…" I snuggled up to him… "It's hard being apart for a day without leaving you now…I'll ring Lou…"

So we spent the night in our room. Liam was very down and I wanted to be there for him, although I didn't have a clue how to make it better. He looked up at me…

"Sorry I didn't ask… How did it go?"

"OK … It was boring really…" That was the truth yet I had got a major adrenaline rush from the actual being photographed… I couldn't wait to see the results… Louis had promised us a set each… But there was no point in making Liam feel worse… It wasn't fair I was on such a high and him so low - but it would be OK…

 

 

 

"OK guys! We're down to the final 15… This week will be the final week we lose five of you. From next week it's one per week and there'll be far more media attention on each of you then. You will each have a typical day in your life filmed by our crew … and when I get down to the final five you'll be spending five days on an intensive residential course… Dance lessons, media training, and all that crap…" Louis smiled. "I've got to say I did not expect this response to the Pop Idol concept… and not just from the public… although can you all take your fan mail home? It's cluttering the office here…"

We laughed.

"You think I'm joking? No way… Lou, Zayn, Niall and Drew… #1 culprits…" I coloured bright red whilst Lou just laughed… "If I made a boyband with you four I'd clean up…"

"I'm afraid there's no chance with me Louis…" Drew looked at us. "I don't wish to cheapen my talent…"

Louis turned a funny colour, but regained composure. "Well, you might change your mind by the end of this… Anyway, a lot of important people in the industry are taking notice… offering recording contracts… I've explained that if they want you badly enough they'll have to wait until you either get knocked out or win. And then we decide… although Simon thinks SyCo will be an obvious choice…"

"What if we would like to opt out? Go for a contract now…"

"That's not an option Maria. All the contracts will be offered again I have the A&R men's word on that…" Drew snorted loudly… "You committed yourselves to this project… if you want out you say so… but I'm not revealing any details of any offers made at this time." I could understand that… He had put a lot of time and effort into this… Not to have the rewards stolen by his rivals.

"But other offers such as magazine interviews, photo sessions…TV show interviews, I'll be more than pleased for you to accept… It's good publicity for you and us and I've had lots of offers for all of you… So I'll see you all individually this afternoon."

 

It was a long wait with Drew spouting about the unfairness of it all, how we should be allowed to make our own decisions.  
  
"Yeah, but Louis put so much into this and no one would have noticed any of us if it hadn't been for the TV show…"

Drew gave me a withering look… "Speak for yourself country boy… My talent would have shone anyway…"

"So would Niall's…" Lou jumped in.

"Really…? He can't decide whether to be pop or rock. Just because he can play a few chords on his guitar, you'd think he was Bono."

"He's more talent in one hand than you'll ever have…"

"Leave it Lou…"

"Yeah leave it, fat-arse… What are you going for anyway…puppy fat idol…?" Zayn stepped in before it got really nasty and then Louis called Drew in.

"Lou, you didn't have to stick up for me…"

"I wasn't letting him pull you apart Nialler." He gave me a big smile.

"But he said some really nasty things about you…"

"Niall, sticks and stones OK? I've not got a skinny arse, but who cares? More of me arse to love, right? And I'd rather have a fat-arse than have the face and personality of someone chewing a wasp!"

I had to smile too. Drew's words had hurt me. Maybe I was too sensitive? There was nothing wrong with coming from Mullingar or not being from 'the city'… And I did know what I wanted to be musically – myself. When I was famous I would sing my own songs. Songs from the heart. They might be pop, they might be rock - but they'd be me! Then I had to smile again. For the first time I'd thought 'when' I'd be famous, not 'if'.

Drew came out, gave us all an evil look to which Lou smiled sweetly and gave a cheeky wave, then he disappeared. Louis called Lou in next, so it left me stood next to Zayn…

"I'm really sorry about that!"

"Don't be Niall… Drew shouldn't have been having a go…"

"I don't think he likes me much. I don't know what I've done though."

"You're a serious threat to him winning Pop Idol – that's what!"

I snorted with laughter. "I don't think so."

"Niall, you've been voted #1 in the weeklies as many times as he has, plus you're talented and nice and cute." He blushed a little at the last remark. "All the girls say so…" I was seriously trying not to laugh. Zayn was so earnest.

"That's teenage girls for you - it will be someone else next week…"

"As long as it's not Drew. who cares? Niall, I think you have the ability and the chance to win this. You have to believe it too and go for it!"

I gave Zayn a small smile. "But what about you?"

"I don't think the music world needs another pretty boy. I'm under no illusions Niall… I look OK, I sing OK… I can't play an instrument or write a decent song for toffee… You have real talent…"

"You've only heard me play the guitar… how do you know…?"

"It's written all over you Niall. I bet you write cracking songs, full of love and pain and honesty. It's as though you can see the inspiration on you."

I bit my lip. Was Zayn Malik pyschic? He seemed to know so much about me. Before I could speak up Lou came out and Zayn had to go in.

Lou was grinning. "So much for fat-arse… I've got a poster shoot next week for some lasses' magazine…"

"That's great Lou…"

"Sure is Nialler… In fact, I think I'll have a mars bar to celebrate…" He fished in his pocket for change… "You want anything from the vending machine?"

"No thanks…"

"Nialler. You have to eat more… You're too skinny…"

"I'm not. I'm… I'm compact."

"Skinny…"

 

 

I was last to go in to see Louis. Heart thumping I took the seat in front of his desk. He gave me a broad smile. "Relax Niall… I just want to chat about the next couple of weeks…" He could read my body language like a book. "I've not really seen you since we went on air… how do you feel its going?"

Was that a trick question? Jesus, it had been beyond my wildest dreams! "Great… fantastic…"

He smiled. "You've enjoyed it then, so far?"

"Oh yes…"

"You've been very popular Niall… #1 in the weekly votes, tons of fan mail, loads of offers…"

"Really?" I was stunned…

"Mmm... aren't you going to ask what?"

"No… you'll tell me what I need to know…"

"Nice to know you trust me so much. I wish some of your fellow contestants had as much faith. All I will say about the recording side of it, is there have been quite a few… rather lucrative offers… Obviously I've had to put them on ice for now but I do want you to know Niall… You will have a future in the business. Indeed. If you were to get knocked out this week, which I highly doubt… I would offer you a management contract."

My mouth dropped open. Louis Walsh was sat here saying he wanted to manage me, whether I made it any further or not…

"Obviously, again, I trust you not to repeat this to anyone. I don't want the press to assume I have favourite… because I don't. There are some people I sign because I feel we'd work well together… and some, no matter how talented, I wouldn't because they would be… hard work… I just wanted you to know Niall… know it's well worth you persevering…"

I nodded and he laughed. "You really need to talk more Niall. Right, about the offers… A national paper wants an interview and photos, three teenage pop magazines… One colour supplement – that's with Lou with you being classmates and all, 5 radio interviews, breakfast TV, a mid afternoon chat show… I've OK'd them all. I know you'll be busy, but it's best you get seen about… Any questions?"

"No…" I was stunned.

"Then go home, go out and celebrate, because you'll need early nights for all this. I don't want dark shadows under your eyes."

"No… And thank you…" I stood to leave.

"No Niall. Thank you… for helping to make my little dream project take off so highly. And Niall, whatever happens in the programme… you will make it… trust me…" I walked home on air, my feet barely touched the floor.

 

Liam was waiting for me. "Hiya baby…" He had recovered from messing up his paper. If he had… Liam had little self confidence. He was stirring some pasta sauce… "I thought I'd cook you a meal… you're looking a bit thin…"

I grinned… "First Lou, then you…fussing." I kissed him on his lips. "It smells great babe…"

"Better than your speciality – charred baked beans? So, how was your day…?"

"Amazing… I'm going to be doing TV and radio interviews and some magazine stuff… and … and Louis said today he's going to offer me a management contract even if I get knocked out… but you can't tell anyone that …"

"Don't worry… I won't. Wow… My little Ni – famous…" He turned the sauce off.  
  
"Hey, why'd you do that? I'm hungry…"

"Because I want to shag you whilst you're still Niall Horan… and not Niall the Pop Idol. Any objections?"

He was already unfastening my jeans. I knew when I was beaten… "None whatsoever…" I whimpered loudly as his mouth set to work.

As usual the sex, no, love-making, was beyond words. Liam could create a need, an urge in me then fill and fulfil that urge effortlessly… It was the greatest feeling on earth… Well if there was a better one I hadn't found it yet… not even performing on TV in front of thousands of people could match it. Afterwards I lay on the bed and watched him carry on making the supper as though he hadn't been fucking me senseless a few minutes previous.

"Is it nearly ready? I'm starved…"

"Five minutes. So get dressed because if you spill any hot sauce down there, you'll know about it. No bonking for a while…"

I giggled and scrambled into my clothes, feeling his eyes on me. I felt he had something on his mind. But he didn't say anything until I was stuffing my face with his pasta…

"Liam, this is fucking fantastic! How come you can learn to cook and I can't?"

"A natural talent Ni… What did you mean when you said about Lou fussing and then me?"

"It was nothing. He was trying to stuff me full of chocolate, that's all. He also said I was looking a bit skinny."

"You are… Are you feeling OK?" It was an innocent enough question, but with me a loaded one… Liam's eyes were dark and anxious.

"Liam, I feel fine. On top of the world…"

"Not tired or having nosebleeds?"

"Liam, stop it! I'm not getting sick again, OK? Just because you and Lou are better built than me… I'm small…"

"Niall… you've lost weight. I thought you looked as though you had and when I was holding you, I could feel it… I'm sorry for nagging but… I worry…"

"I know you do… but honestly I feel fine… I get tired but that's because of how busy I am… maybe I'm not eating enough… I need to make more effort… " I did have a tendency to miss meals when I was busy… I forgot the time! "But I'm not getting sick OK? I'm telling the truth…"

"I believe you… and I'm sorry but… " The words were unspoken. I held my plate out for more pasta and it was as if the conversation had never happened. But it stuck in my mind to play again in the dark hours… when I thought too much… would my past always be there between us, a spectre of death and separation? I prayed it wasn't! That we would one day move on…

 

 

  
"So Lily… Are you sure it's OK having a film crew here day after tomorrow?" I was a bit hesitant, feeling I was taking advantage – once more.

"Of course it's OK… It's going to be so exciting! Why exactly are they coming here again Niall?"

"To follow me in my everyday life…" I actually wasn't looking forward to it much… OK I knew it would only be clips that made it to the final show but it was still nerve racking, knowing someone would be behind me all day, capturing my every move on camera.

"Fair enough. Make sure there's no wet towels on the floor up there. Is Liam going to be on film…?"

"Yes..of course."

"No way!"

We both answered in unison… I looked at Liam in surprise.

"Liam, you have to – you're my room mate and my best friend."

"And your lover! I don't want to ruin this for you Ni.'

"It won't. Please, you have to be there… I can't avoid you for the whole day." I hoped I didn't sound desperate or whiny…

"Niall… it's for your own good…"

"Why? They know I have a room mate… I've mentioned you before. Why should you being on film change that?"

He shrugged.  
  
"Liam, please? I need you there…"

"OK… OK…" but he didn't look too happy about it! I was going to ask why but something else sprang into mind as we went upstairs. It was actually Liam who thought of it…as we went into our room…  
  
"Oh fuck…"

"What's wrong?"

"The bed, Niall…"

"Pardon…"

"We have a double bed up here…"

"So…?"

Liam rolled his eyes… "Niall, for someone so bright you can be very thick at times… We have a double bed and we're 'room mates.' Room mates share a room, not a bed! That will be picked up on right away."

He was right. Guess that's why he's going to become a teacher and is doing a degree in French Literature… "Oh fuck." I repeated… "What am I going to do? If I don't let them film up here…"

"Niall, shush a minute and let me think…" Then seconds later he was out of the door… I put my head in my hands. Why hadn't I thought this through before I entered the fucking pop idol contest?

He was back, slightly out of breath and redfaced a few minutes later. "Lily says there's a spare single bed on the floor below us and there's an ancient camp bed thing in the storage room next door to ours. Come on!"

"Come on what?"

"Jesus, let's get shifting." He flashed me a smile.

 

He wasn't smiling a few minutes later as we wrestled the bed upstairs. It was an oldish design and didn't come apart very easily so we had to move it in one piece, then we had to push our bed which was even more unyielding into the storage room and drag the camp bed out. It was a lethal looking iron contraption. I saw Mark looking at it then at me and I knew who'd be sleeping on it. I groaned…

Still once the beds were made up it looked like a normal student's room. There was no other really incriminating evidence apart from a few photos which we quickly hid.

"Sorted…"

"Does that mean we'll be sleeping in single beds tonight?"

"Looks like it Ni! Price of fame and all that crap…"

I sighed. I needed Liam's arms around me, what with the stress of the contest and the dreams I'd been having lately. "Maybe we could push them together?" I asked hopefully.

 

What a fucking disastrous night that was! The sodding camp bed, apart from being the most uncomfortable thing in the world to sleep on – and given the number of hospital beds I've slept on that's saying something – was about 5cm lower than Liam's bed…. Not noticeable when the beds were apart but when you were laying on that ridge… hell!

But I persevered. Laid on my side, my head on his chest, nose mere millimetres from his nipple. It was just too inviting. Trailing one hand lazily over his stomach I surreptitiously lapped at the tempting nub.

I felt his whole body stiffen. I began to lovingly suck the nipple… grazing it with my teeth… then I felt his hand on my knee that was lying uppermost… slowly creeping up my thigh rubbing the flesh… I whimpered softly and felt myself begin to harden…

His hand was on my arse now. Inside my boxers, teasing my entrance. I sighed loudly and shifted onto my stomach to give him better access…

Suddenly the beds slid apart – with me at the point where they'd met. With a yelp, I hit the floor. "Ow! Fucking hell…"

"Are… are you… are you alright Ni…?" I realised Liam was hysterical with laughter.

"It's not fucking funny!"

"From where I am it is! You should see yourself…"

I took stock of my position. Arse up in air, half exposed as Liam had caught his hand in my boxers as I fell. I allowed a small smile to cross my face… With any last remnants of pride I possessed, I picked myself up.

"Sorry Ni… I shouldn't have laughed, but you looked so funny…"

"I guess that idea is out of the question then?" I pushed the hateful camp bed across the room. "Guess I'm sleeping alone…"

Liam pulled back his duvet. "There's plenty of room."

"Both of us?"

"We've done it before..." That we had, in my twin beds in Mullingar… I scooted across the room and snuggled up close – only difference was the bed was in the middle of the room with no firm wall to give me security. Then Liam pulled me close.

"Just sleep Niall. I won't let you fall."

"You just did!"

"Only because I didn't know it was going to do that. I'd never willingly let anything happen to you." I pushed even closer, that was true. I knew Liam would lay down his life for me. I felt so safe in his arms.

 

Looking back the day I spent with a film crew following me passed in a blur… and it was a bit funny knowing they were watching my every move. They arrived early.

"Hiya Niall… How you doing?" I recognised one of the two men from the studios…

"OK, thanks."

"Nervous?"

"Yeah, a bit..."

"Don't be… We're only here to show the voting audience what a great guy you are… not looking for sensation…"

"Good, because my life's pretty boring. Where do you want to start…?"

"How about your room…?"

"OK… I warn you - there's about four flights of stairs. It's the attic…"

"Jesus! Lead the way then. I'm Ben and that's Sean."

 

They were saying more than Jesus by the time they got to the landing. "No wonder you've got such a good body…" That surprised me, I didn't think I had. I glanced down at myself… Ben was in his forties, no way was he coming on to me… It was the kind of remark you made to another guy at the gym or something.

"You think so?"

"According to my fourteen year old daughter who runs up my phone bill every Saturday voting for you she says you're fit…"

I blushed bright red as he continued. "She was desperate to come with me today, but of course it's not allowed. If you've got time I don't suppose you give me an autograph for her. I'm not supposed to ask but…"

"Of course I will." God, that felt so strange. "This is my room. My room mate should be up."

I knocked on the door…  
  
"Yeah?"

"Liam, it's me. Ni… and the cameras. Are you decent?"

"'Course I am…"

We went in. Liam looked gorgeous in his best jeans and a nice new shirt, obviously not wanting to look scruffy. He grinned at me. "Knocking on your own room door."

"Didn't want to embarrass you. Liam, this is Ben and Sean…"

"Hiya." Liam held out his hand. However much he didn't want to do this, he would do it for me. He wouldn't let me down.

"Hiya, nice to meet you. Sorry for intruding on your morning…"

"No probs."

"All part of the fun of sharing with a would be pop idol!"

Liam gave me a smile. "Yeah…"  
  
I showed them round the room, talking a bit about how much I loved it here. Pointing out the view of the Irish sea. "Yeah, it's great…" Ben took a few shots. "Although I don't know if it warrants all those stairs…"

Liam laughed. "Ni loves that view…"

"How long have you known Niall Liam?"

Liam bit his lip. "Well, he's been in some of my classes since we both started senior school in Mullingar… but we became friends when we were 16 – we ended up in detention one night and found out we had a lot in common…"

"But you're a language student…"

"Yeah, but back in Mullingar I used to do musicals too. I just never intended to make a career out of it."

"So you came to do your degree, but Niall's a year behind you...?"

I stepped in. "Yeah, I retook my leaving cert. And Liam told me how great Dublin was, so I just had to come…" OK, I would sound thick – at least it covered up how we really had ended up in Dublin. Me desperately ill and on the run.

"So you get on well? Good mates…?"

I had to laugh. "Liam's my best friend and like another brother to me." Liam nodded to affirm that. The day passed quickly… they filmed me at college with Lou… then back home giving a piano lesson, then finally with Lily and Jack.

"Niall's a great lad, so's Liam though…"

"How will you feel when all the fans start knocking on the door for Niall…?"

"Pleased for him… although girls… he can't cook!"

I laughed, relieved it was almost over – but Ben and Sean had made what could have been a very hard day as easy as possible. I thanked them…

"No Niall, thank you … you're one of the few genuinely nice people we've had to film, although don't quote me on that!"

"I won't."

Ben grinned. "Will you sign something for Sophie then? please lad?"

"Oh sure." Blushing I scribbled   _'thanks for your support, love ya, Niall'_

"Thanks lad, she'll be made up with this."

It was strange to think someone I didn't know felt so much. "Ben, is she at home now?"

"Yeah, she's got school tomorrow…"

"Would you like me to call her?"

"Would you?"

"Yes…"

He dialled a number on his mobile. "Meredith? Can you get Sophie? There's someone who I'm working with wants a word… Hiya honey… someone here wants to speak to you…" He handed me the phone. I was shaking myself.

"Hiya Sophie…"

Silence then… "Hello?"

"Sophie… it's Niall Horan. Your dad's been really good to me today, so I thought I'd say thank you… He says you wanted to come with him…"

I could tell how excited she was, but she was trying to be calm… "Niall… oh my god…"

"You OK?"

"Oh yes… yes…"

"How was school?"

"OK…is it really you?"

I laughed. "Sure is…thanks for supporting me the last few weeks…"

"No problem…I want you to win so much…"

"Thanks. I'd like to…"

We chatted a few minutes. "Look sweetheart… I'm going to have to go. You need to get some sleep… so do I!"

"Thank you so much Niall…"

"No trouble… soon I'll have to see if your dad will let me meet you…"

"Really?"

"Truly…"

"Thank you…"

"No, thank you…now go to bed…"

"Nite Niall…" I handed Ben the phone back.

"Thanks Niall – that will have made her month. She really likes you, you know?" I blushed… My first real taste of what it was like to have fans.

Although it was late when they'd gone, I bullied Liam into getting our bed out of the storage room – there was no way I was going to spend another night on that … _thing_. Liam watched me as I made the bed…

"You were great there Niall…"

"What? Putting the duvet cover on? My speciality…"

"No… with that little girl… you didn't have to phone her…"

"I know but how long did it take? A few minutes and you should have heard her, Liam. She was so made up…"

"I gathered from watching your face. You looked so happy…" He stroked my arm… "You know something Niall…? I've never had any doubts you could win this contest, but I did have… reservations about how you'd handle the fame part. But…it came so easily to you. Niall, you were born for this. I can see it now… I'm so proud of you." There was pride in his voice, and love and yet a note of something else. Not jealousy. I knew Liam too well, but maybe… sadness?

"Liam… what's wrong…?"

"Nothing… it's that…things are going to change Niall. We can't deny that anymore…"

"Yeah, but in a good way… I'm not going to change, Liam. I promise you…"

He nodded but as he turned away I thought I heard him whisper 'but you are Niall… you already are…' But I wasn't sure and it was too late for an argument because I was knackered. So we climbed into bed, but his words haunted me.

 

 

 

The next couple of weeks were fairly uneventful… Liam was working his way steadily through his finals… they'd be over in a couple more weeks and applied for various teacher training courses… He was limited because he wanted to stay in Dublin… near me… although Louis and Simon had been dropping hints that I'd have career that would take me far away from Dublin and even Ireland. I laughed to myself at that… I had never been out of Ireland so I couldn't imagine what it would be like. I still didn't have the absolute faith in myself that everyone seemed to have.

I went to college, still managed to fit the odd piano lesson in, and did the publicity that Louis arranged for me. It was becoming much easier – the first interview I did had me throwing up with nerves but now I could walk in and talk easily about myself… until they started asking about my relationships. I had a standard smile and a standard answer. I was too busy, my career came first… but inside my stomach churned…

Louis had given me a set of pictures from the photo shoots… I sat on my bed and looked at them. It didn't look like me. I looked like… like a male model or something… you know what I mean… Like the pictures in our Marielle's glossy teen magazines… but sat there in my room where I had almost died… it just didn't seem real…

"What you got there Ni?" I hadn't heard Liam come in.

"Oh… photos from that magazine shoot I did a couple of weeks ago… Louis gave me them…"

"Let's have a look then…"

I felt… shy as Liam flipped through the photos… He took a long while and I knew he was looking carefully at each one.

"Wow," he said finally…

"Do you like them?"

"You look hot in them…" He flashed me a smile, but not his usual genuine one.

"But do you like them…? Tell me, Liam…"

"You look sexy and cute… but you don't look like you. Sorry Niall…"

"Don't be! That's what I thought too…" I grinned at him, glad he could still tell me the truth. If he had lied and said he loved them I would have known and been far more worried…

He grinned back and my heart leapt – it was a pure Liam grin. "Your mum and Lily will love 'em though… when's the magazine coming out?"

"Friday… and we're doing the show live now every Saturday… now we're down to the last 8…"

"Nerve racking stuff…"

"I asked Louis… I can have up to four tickets a week for friends and family… You will come won't you?" I held my breath. He nodded.

"Who else will you ask?"

"Lily and Jack… and I might see if mam and dad will come over – if I don't get knocked out before then…"

Liam picked up the photos again. "Somehow I doubt that…"

 

Live was scary… and everyone discovered my little vomiting ritual. Lou had known anyway. Zayn and Louis were concerned. Drew just took the piss, not that it worried me… I knew I had a firm and growing fan base. They waited outside the studio for autographs and cuddles and kisses. I felt _famous_ … and even though it was a strange feeling, it would feel much worse if it stopped. I was becoming addicted to the applause as I stepped out on stage.  
  
It was getting hard to see people I was becoming friends with get voted out every week because as the numbers dropped, we all got closer… apart from one girl, Maria and of course Drew. I heard rumours they were getting off with each other which I ignored… I couldn't care less but Louis had warned us about relationships with each other. He would go ballistic if it was true. And I could imagine it was. Maria was a real bitch… and I very rarely slagged anyone off. That week one of the girls, Sallie from Killarney was voted out and we were genuinely upset because she was sweet. We were all a little down in the dressing rooms after she left. Then Maria came in…

"I don't understand you lot… if it wasn't her. it would have been one of you. It's life…"

Lou gave her a scathing look. "We know that, but we liked Sal. We'll miss her."

"Toughen up! Jesus, I don't think any of you has the killer instinct to make it apart from me and Drew. You're all wimps!" She looked me in the eye.

"Oh, just bugger off and shag Drew." It was the other girl left in, Helen, she hated Maria with a passion.

Maria tossed her hair. "At least I can get some!"

The door closed behind her. I looked at Helen. "Is she definitely…?"

"Oh yes, Niall. You don't go to the clubs do you?"

"I'm too knackered."

"She was all over him in Anabels, then they got a taxi together. Well, let's be honest - they're a good match…" I smiled, that was true.

 

It was getting harder to live a normal life though. Fans had found out which building me and Lou had lectures in and were often waiting for us… It was still a novelty so I didn't mind too much, but I was getting uneasy when they started to come to Lily's looking for me.

Liam would look out of the window… "Ohoh… stalker alert…"

I glanced out… "Oh heck…"

I got my jacket. "Where the hell are you going?"

"To talk to them…"

"Jesus Niall…"

"No, Liam. They're only kids… It's raining. If I go and sign, they might go home…"

I was out there almost two hours. Instead of going home, more of them came. I had a lot to learn.

"Oh lord, Niall. You're soaked through…" Lily was clucking like a mother hen.

"I won't melt…"

"You should take no chances and if you were to lose your voice… come on…let's get you dry…"

Liam gave me a look… "I take it they didn't go home?"

"Sorry Liam…"

He shrugged. "It was a rare night for us two, we were going to go to the cinema… and it's almost 10 pm now. We're not going to make it."

"I said I'm sorry…"

He looked at me… "No… I am… I shouldn't be biting at you… It's… it's just…"

"What…?" I normally picked up that something was on his mind, but I guess the evening had been a bit hectic…

"I heard from the uni about the teaching course."

"Oh." I didn't dare ask… he smiled…

"They want me to go on a 3 day interview thing."

"Liam, that's brilliant news!" I hugged him. "I'm so pleased for you…" Then I saw his face. "What's the matter?"

"It's a weekend thing… this weekend." My face fell.

"I can't leave you, honey… Not when it's getting so close…"

"Of course you can. Liam, this is your future. One weekend won't make any difference…"

"Are you sure…?"

"Of course… Jesus Liam, you've given so much up for me… I can manage one weekend."

"Thank you Niall… I'll call you and I'll be back Monday…"

"I'll be praying for you to get through, Liam…"

"I know you will Ni… I know…" He kissed me hard…

I watched him leave with his bag on the Friday morning with a sick feeling. We'd never been apart from so long since I'd had the bone marrow transplant. I felt part of me was being ripped out. Then I shook my head and berated myself. "You're an idiot, Niall. It's three fucking days… You're an adult, and if you get through this - you'll have to be apart much more and he's only going to the other side of Dublin. Don't be so fucking dependent on him."

By the time I went to college, I was fine… I could get through this weekend without Liam, I was an adult, almost twenty one. Apart from the fact it was the worst fucking weekend in a long, _long_ time!


	13. T-H-I-R-T-E-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all going to hate me for even editing and posting this for so many reasons (well, three!)... Here's 2 of those reasons: This chapter addresses sexual assult and attempted suicide. I'll put *** when it begins and ends in bold letters, so you can skip it if you feel triggered by reading about one/both of these topics.. Please don't read if you are/feel you might be triggered by any of this - please. However, if you feel triggered by reading about suicide talk at all, please stop reading when the first warning of suicide attempt occur. I also changed the rating from Teen to Mature (which I probably should've done from the get-go with all the smut that's been going on in previous chapters).

Friday went OK… there were seven of us left in the show… me, Lou, Zayn, Drew, Maria, Helen and Tony… It was getting nail biting… There is nothing worse than knowing your fate is dependent on people you don't know, will probably never meet and only see a two dimensional picture of you… They'll never know you and in a couple of weeks will be hooked on and voting for the next participants in reality TV…

I was having a chat with Peter about a late assignment…

"I know you're busy Niall, but I can't keep extending the deadline… Next week, OK?'

I nodded, then he smiled and began asking me about the show…

"You do know Niall, that it's going to be a boy who gets through…"

"Why?"

"Because statistically speaking more females watch the show, vote and buy cds… especially pop cds… I will be very surprised if it's a girl… so you have a one in five chance…"

 

As I walked home I thought about it… if I won it would be mainly because I looked cute, had sex appeal… it would be the biggest lie as I had absolutely no interest in the girls who were voting for me… not in a sexual sense anyway… It was enough to screw your head up… But then I reasoned with myself that might be why they liked me to start with, but once I proved myself as a musician it would be different. I would build a wider fan base…

 

I was eating with Lily and Jack… it wasn't good for me to be alone up there they said and let's face it - I couldn't fucking cook could I? Lily was just bringing in the apple pie when my mobile went off. It was mam. "Hiya… you could have rung the house you know"

"I wanted to make sure I caught you… your hospital appointment came through today… for your twice yearly check up…"

I groaned…I hated them… not just because it was half a day being poked and prodded, but because it brought back the memories…

"Niall…?"

"I heard… when's it for…?"

"Three weeks on Monday… You have to go Niall…"

"I know that… Jesus mam I'm not a baby…"

"Sorry but…anyway how you doing…? Missing Liam?"

"Yeah… I don't suppose you could get over for the show tomorrow…?"

"I'm sorry honey… Your dad's on standby cover at work… and it's Marielle's school play…"

"I know…"

"You'll be fine…" I nodded but as I sat back at the table my appetite had gone… I would be on my own on the Saturday night… and I had received a reality check in the form of the appointment. I didn't want to go. I would have to think of a lie for Louis if I was still in the show. He couldn't know the truth. I didn't sleep well that night…

 

I spent most of Saturday struggling with Peter's assignment, and I still didn't get it finished by the time I had to set off for the studio. I was in a dark mood, and Zayn picked up on it immediately…

"You OK Ni…?"

"Yeah…"

"Don't look it…" Drew chipped in with an evil grin… "What's up Horan…? Realised what a loser you are? Realised you'll never get a #1 single… or a shag…"

"Fuck off!" I didn't usually snap but it came out…

Drew raised his eyes… "You getting pre-menstrual? Jesus… Mr squeaky clean knows the F word…"

"Leave me alone…" It was like being back at school, taunted… I wanted to smack him so much, but I knew if I did I would be out…

"Aw diddums… having a trantrum…"

"Andrew, you heard Niall. Fuck off!" Zayn led me into the dressing room. "What's up Niall? Want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. I couldn't, it wasn't a matter of wanting or not wanting… "Just having a bit of a shite day… that's all…"

"Well don't let it spoil your performance…"

But as I stepped out and began to sing I knew I wasn't … coming over well. I felt my performance lacked sparkle and life. Louis was very non-committal afterwards, but Simon gave me a mouthful about it and Louis pulled me aside off camera.

"Are you OK Niall?"

"Yes…"

"Well that was the worst performance I have ever seen you give… you were crap…"

"I'm sorry…"

"You will be if you get knocked out… Jesus Niall… whatever's wrong don't let it ruin your chances…"

"It's a bit late now…"

"Maybe not… it will depend on the strength of your fan base." I gave him a quizzical look. "Niall, if you have enough fans, they will vote for you regardless of quality. Then you'll get through… so keep your fingers crossed…"

Drew gave me a sly smile. "Shine gone from your halo? That was a shite performance if ever I saw one… I guess it's the parting of the ways tonight."

I ignored him and sat in a corner. I had to get a grip, shake this mood. Suddenly I needed to talk to Liam. I rang his number, wondering if he'd seen what a bloody awful cock up I had made.

He took a long while in answering… "Oh hi Ni…"

"Liam… I've fucked it up… I was fucking awful…"

"What do you mean?"

"I… I don't know… I've had a bad day and… I was crap…"

"Oh…" I realised he hadn't seen it. "Sorry Ni, I was in the shower… We're going to the union for a drink… but I'm going to vote for you, and I bet all those fans you spend time with will too." He didn't understand that I had let myself down, that I felt I didn't deserve to get through. I wanted him to hold me, so I could cry on his shoulder… but I just murmured some words to him, promised to call him back with the results.

 

It was the most awful ninety minutes of my life. I was biting my nails again… something I had managed to stop when I was seventeen. I wanted to go and hide, but I couldn't. Besides, the cameras would be in the green room filming our reaction. It was sadistic torture.

Drew got the most votes with Zayn next and then Maria….I had had it! Then I heard Johnny "And Niall Horan's in in fourth place…" My head shot up. I was still in. 'Thank you lord… thank you…' I ran on stage. I had been very lucky.

But Lou wasn't. He got the least votes that night. My best friend after Liam, and he was out. I couldn't believe it. I felt stunned. Lou had sung much better than me that night… he deserved to be in, I deserved to be out. "No… No…"

I went to him and hugged him… conscious of the fact there were tears trickling down my face. "I'm sorry LouLou…"

"Hey Nialler, it's OK. I knew it was going to happen soon… I thought it would be a lot sooner than it has been…" He looked sad, but he wasn't crying. He rubbed my back… "Ni, you're on TV… get a grip." I wiped my eyes, feeling a fool… but I had to bite my lip to stop fresh tears, as he took the long walk offstage.

 

It was hell in the green room… I was searching for my coat wanting to get out… but Drew was there. "So Horan, talk about crying to order…"

"I wasn't…"

"What was it then? The realisation it should have been you? Only you're Louis's favourite, so it wasn't going to happen was it? Maybe the votes were rigged? Maybe Lou should have your place." I turned round… knowing I was going to hit him… but Louis was there… I hadn't heard him come into the green room and from the look on Drew's face, he hadn't either.

"Niall, go to my dressing room and wait there… And you…" he turned on Drew… "If I ever hear you making a suggestion that this show is rigged or that I have favourites - not only will you be out so quickly your feet won't touch the ground, but you'll never work in the Irish music industry again! Now get out of my sight… I want to speak to you all…"

I scuttled to Louis's dressing room… I knew I was going to get it in the neck too, but at least Louis was going to give out to me in private. He was about fifteen minutes. "Jesus Niall, why didn't you sit down? You're not in the headmaster's office now."

"I was out of line."

"Why? Because you wanted to belt that little bastard…? I almost let you, but it's not fair on you if I had… you shouldn't have to sacrifice your dream because I want to see some jumped up twat get his comeuppance… It's going to happen one day… But you will have to control that temper, Niall… I didn't even know you had one."

"I don't normally."

"So what was wrong today Niall…? You were very lucky, you know…"

"I know… I… I had a bad day, uni work and … you know…"

"It's hard juggling it, isn't it? It would be so much easier to put the course on hold…"

"I can't do that…"

"I know… and I admire you for it. What about the piano teaching?"

"I need to pay my way, Louis. Mam and dad can't afford everything… and neither can Liam. I wouldn't let them anyway…"

He thought a bit… "But it's a lot for you. You're looking a bit tired lately… in a few weeks it might be immaterial… You do know that if you win this, you will make a lot of money… and I mean a lot of money."

"I hadn't thought about the money… just… singing…"

"You really live for it don't you…?" I nodded. "Well then, go for it… but try and get more sleep… You don't go clubbing with the others much do you?"

"No…how'd you know?"

"You'd be surprised… " he laughed. "They feel they have to go to the most upmarket clubs and I have my spies…" I shivered. "I think they're going for a farewell drink with Lou… you going?"

I shook my head… "No… I'll see Lou in class…"

"You were really upset weren't you…? About him leaving?"

I nodded. "I kept thinking it should have been me, like Drew said…"

"No it shouldn't. You had one bad performance. Maybe you could have avoided it, but it was a one off… Lou's talented, but not a pop idol… he's done well to get this far…" I knew Louis was always brutally honest. He continued… "Whereas you Niall could be a pop idol in every sense. If you ever have problems - whether it's with Drew again or anything…" he looked deep into my eyes… "Anything… you can always talk to me…"

I nodded.

"And there's a function tomorrow night, which I realise is bad for you for Uni, but it's at Lillies Bordello… All of you should go. Big publicity…"

"I'll be there…"

"Good lad… any questions…?"

I took a deep breath… "Louis… what Drew said… about it being fixed…?"

"Don't insult yours and mine intelligence Niall, You got through fair and square tonight. All those hours you spend with your fans paid off…"

"How did you know…?"

"Like I said, Niall… I have my spies…"

"And …about me being your favourite…?" I was pushing it, but I had to know.

"I don't have favourites Niall… I put more effort into helping those who help themselves. Now get off home to bed… I'll get you a car…" He ended the discussion effortlessly. Louis Walsh was always in control of the situation. I was beginning to realise that.

 

There was a text from Liam… 'U DID IT! AM PROUD OF U BABE – TELL LOU SORRY, SPEAK 2MORO. LUV LIAM'

I rang him. 'You have reached the voicemail service for…' his mobile was off. I bit my lip. I needed to talk to him, but it wasn't going to happen tonight. I thought of him in a bar, laughing, having fun… then I had another go at myself. He deserved it… he worked bloody hard. It wasn't just about me… But I still cried myself to sleep that night…

 

Next day the sun was shining through the window and I felt better… I made some toast and then rang Liam…

"Hiya baby!"

"Ni…"

"Nothing wrong is there?"

"No… of course not… I thought you'd be sleeping off the celebrations…"

"I didn't feel like it… and I've got to do a promo thing tonight…"

"It'll be fine…" he sounded strained… "Look Ni… I've got a meeting thing soon and I need a shower… I'll call you back OK… and well done again…" I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to talk, but he was on a course. I had to stop being so selfish. Liam was always being self sacrificing. I had to let him live his life too…

 

The party at Lillies was boring. Loads of people who thought they were someone hanging around. Wanting to talk to us because they thought we were going to be big. I hated it. Fans were OK, genuine fans who really wanted to meet us… the kids who cared. Not these women who only were interested in pulling a potential pop idol… Needless to say with all the free alcohol, I got very drunk…

"Well well…" I glanced up and groaned. It was Maria, looking stunning yet tarty in the shortest skirt imaginable. Her top was practically at her belly button too… "Niall, I thought you turned into a pumpkin at midnight…"

I glanced at my watch – it was 2 AM… "Lost track of the time…"

 

******* Attempted sexual assault warning ******

 

"Letting your hair down for once…" She ran her hand through my hair… "Nice… you're quite sexy, you know…" She was pissed, I tried to back away.

"Now now Niall… Louis's gone home…"

"Maria… you're drunk…"

"And randy as hell… so how's about it Niall…? Or don't country boys know what to do?"

"Maria… this is not a good idea…"

"Why not?"

'Because I'm fucking gay' I wanted to shout… "Because… Drew…"

"Is shagging some blonde bimbo in the VIP loo… I've been watching you Niall… and I like what I see…"

Her boobs were pressed against my chest and my back was pressed against the wall. I felt trapped and sick. Not because she was a woman. I would have still felt trapped if I'd been straight. It was all about scoring points off Drew, getting her own back and about satisfying her sexual urges… I didn't come into it. She didn't know me as a person…

Which meant so much to me… That was what me and Liam were about. Sex was an expression of love which was based on our friendship. I could never be part of the one night stand thing - ever!

"So hows about it Niall? Want me to teach you?" I yelped as one hand twisted in my hair and the other reached between my legs… squeezing my balls… I pushed her hard.

"No, I don't… Fuck off back to Drew…"

Her eyes widened. I don't think she'd ever been rejected. "You don't want to shag me…?"

"Not if you were the only person on this fucking planet!"

I felt her slap me hard. "You must be gay or something…"

"I'm just not a tart."

"All those good little Catholic boy values… Start living in the fucking present…" and she stomped off…

I stood there fighting the panic. No one had seen what had happened, but I felt violated. I realised I was sobbing softly, my hand over my crotch just in case.

 

******* Attempted sexual assault warning Over *******

 

"Ni… are you all right…?" It was Zayn. Drunk, yet still in control.

"Yeah…"

"You're not… come on…"

I didn't know where he was leading me, but I followed. I felt safe. It was to a deserted toilet. "Staff loos… I found them earlier… now what's up…?"

"Maria… came on to me…"

"Oh, thought she was shagging Drew…?"

"He was busy in the VIP loos." Zayn raised an eyebrow.

"So… what happened…?"

"I told her no and… and she… she grabbed me…groped me…" I started to cry.

Zayn wrapped an arm round me. "Shhhh."

"I'm such a wimp… Most men would love to be groped by her… but… but I feel so… so violated…"

"I bet… Niall you're not a wimp, it's like being assaulted." He watched as I struggled into the loos and threw up… rubbing my back…

"I'm… an idiot…"

"Why? Should you have gone with her?"

"Fuck no!"

"Niall, no one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to…she forced herself onto you." He handed me a tissue… "Tell me it's none of my business right, but are you a virgin…?"

I shook my head – he looked surprised, but didn't press it.

"Come on… I've booked a taxi for 2.45 AM… We can drop you off."

Zayn walked me to the door. I was relieved to be home.

"Can you make it to bed OK?"

"Yeah… thanks so much…"

"No probs. Niall, you could tell Louis about Maria…?"

I shook my head… "Nah, I'll get over it. There's been enough bitching…"

"OK… now get some sleep…"

 

But I had to shower several times to remove the feel of her from my body, and then I still couldn't sleep. Wondering if I should tell Liam… Wondering what I would do when I saw her again… It was almost 6 AM when I finally fell asleep…

 

 

 

 

Liam whistling woke me up. I groaned and pulled my head out of the pillows.

"Liam…"

"Jesus Christ, Niall… you gave me a heart attack. What the fuck are you still doing here? You should be at uni…!"

"I feel ill…"

"Hung over more like… partying the night away. You look terrible, like something the cat's dragged in and vomited over."

"Thanks…"

"So was it a good night?"

I shook my head… "Not really…"

"Oh… did you have to pay for it?"

"No…"

"Oh well at least it hasn't cost you to be sick… I take it you're not going into today?"

"Can't!"

"OK…" I watched him putting his clothes away. I wanted to tell him about Maria so much… after all I had done nothing to encourage her, but I couldn't…

"Liam?"

"What Niall?"

"I… I love you… and I missed you so much, and it was such an awful weekend…"

He turned around… "I love you too babe… and it's over now." He sat on the bed and hugged me.

"I feel awful about Lou…"

"He'll get over it…"

"Liam…"

"No Niall… He will… It's not the end of the world. You have to put things in perspective."

I nodded… It was so hard to do that… Liam looked at me for a long while.

"Ni… know what would do you good?"

"What…?"

"A trip up to the coast… come on… get dressed…"

 

Liam was right… It was a great day. We caught the train out to Malahide. We walked along the beach, ate fish and chips. No one recognised me until we were on the way back.

"Excuse me… you're Niall Horan, aren't you? From the TV?"

I looked at Liam apologetically and nodded.

"Could you have a picture with my kids… they're big fans…"

They were about eight and ten… I had the pictures taken with them, signed for them, then went back to Liam.

"I'm really sorry about that…"

He sighed. "Don't be Ni… it's part of your life now. I have to accept that. Come on, we don't want to miss the train…"

 

Looking back, there was something not quite right from that day. Liam was himself - yet different. He would hug me and kiss me and make love to me, but I would catch him looking at me in a strange way. Ever paranoid I wondered if he could somehow tell what had happened with Maria – even though I had nothing to feel guilty about… I tried to act normally.

He had finished his finals and was waiting to hear about the place on the course and had gone back to working at the docks as he had done before to support me when I was sick. I knew he was saving for a car. I felt guilty about him going out and slogging his guts out everyday whilst I became more and more of a celebrity… but what could I do? I was enjoying all the trappings of fame but not the money. I was still struggling to teach piano and keep up with my course work. My grades were slipping and I knew Liam would go mad when he found out, but there was nothing I could do… Only a few more weeks…

 

"OK you lot… I want you at my office 8 AM sharp on Monday morning…" I gave Louis a blank look… "And bring enough stuff for five days…"

Oh fuck… of course… That night we had lost Tony… there were only five of us and it was time for this residential course thing… No problem, only it was the Monday I had the hospital appointment in Mullingar. Shit, shit, shit… I listened to Louis rabbiting on about how beneficial this would be… I had no choice… if I went to Louis and said I couldn't go to Co. Wicklow until the Monday evening, he would want to know why and it would all come out…. I just couldn't go to the appointment…

"I'm sorry Liam… but I'll be back Friday night…"

"It's OK baby… I know you have to go on this… Just ring me as much as you can…"

I thought he'd be more upset… I'd been gutted when he went away but he was working – I guessed he'd be too tired to miss me much. I had to put mam off the scent too about the appointment.

I rang her.

"Niall… you staying over tomorrow before you go to hospital…?"

"No mam, I've arranged for me to have it in Dublin this time…" I crossed myself… I hated lying like this…

"Really…? They've never been that keen on that before when we asked…"

"I know… I explained how busy I am… so they said just this once…"

"OK, are you going on Monday…?"

"No… it might take a week to organise… I'm in Wicklow… remember…?"

"OK, but let me know when you're going… It is important Niall!"

"I know mam…"

After I hung up, I ripped the letter from Mullingar Regional up and buried it in the bin…

 

I nearly died on Sunday. Me and Liam were chatting when suddenly out of the blue…

"Ni, aren't you due for a check up…? It must be six months…"

I swallowed… "Yeah… I guess I ought to ring them…"

"Make sure you do… tomorrow!"

"Liam, I will… as soon as I get to Wicklow, OK?"

He nodded and kissed me… "It's only because I worry…"

"I know…"

 

I was actually glad to get to Wicklow, because I was feeling so guilty about lying and it was heaven not to have to go to Uni and get nagged at. The actual course thing was OK. I hated the dance part, mainly because I couldn't dance, and Drew had had lessons like forever. But Zayn was as bad as me, and between us we got through it. The practice interviews and media control classes were great too… interesting…

I got on well with Zayn… he made sure Maria stayed away from me and he protected me from the worst of Drew's insults. We would watch films in the TV room or play cards and I began to feel I had another good friend.

The worst thing about the course was missing Liam. We each had our own rooms, so I would ring him at night. He would tell me how much he loved me and wanted me home and I would tell him how much I wanted to go home.

Like I said the course was interesting, but I had the feeling we were on it not to learn anything, but to provide entertaining footage for the show… I was glad to get back on the Friday night, back to Liam's arms. We made love urgently, frantically… Liam pumping into me and holding me so tightly I could hardly breathe.

"What was all that about…?" I was lying in his arms…

"I don't know… I was just… scared to let you go in case I lost you." He was pale despite his exertions, and his eyes were big and frightened… It was how I felt so often, but it scared me to see it reflected in Liam…

"I'm going nowhere Liam… I promise you…"

 

Helen got knocked out that week. It was a pity, should have been Maria. Four left, the final would be just before my 21st birthday. Maybe I could go home to Mullingar to celebrate it as a pop idol? I shook that thought from me.

Liam had just bought a second or maybe third hand car, and he drove us back from the studios. We called for a chinese, I was starving.

Lily and Jack were waiting for us as usual. We'd brought them food too, and we sat round the table… Me being the subject of goodnatured teasing… I felt happier again. Maybe things would be alright…

My mobile rang. It was mam, she always rang after the show.

"Hi mam!"

"Why did you lie about the hospital Niall?" I froze. Her voice was cold, barely controlled anger. I could imagine her face – I had seen it… never to me though. I slipped into the hallway.

"Mam… I… didn't…"

"Do not lie to me Niall Horan! The hospital wrote to me and I got it in the post today… You didn't turn up on Monday, they've been trying to get in touch with you all week. They obviously think you're adult enough to take care of yourself, as I did…"

"I couldn't get the time off mam…"

"Did you ask…?"

I went silent… "Does Liam know…?"

"Mam…please…"

"Put him on Niall…"

"Mam don't…"

"Niall, we have all given up so much for you… Liam more than anyone, for you to jeopardise it now…"

"I missed one fucking appointment…" tears were beginning to fall.

"Don't swear when you're talking to me, Niall. Now put Liam on, or I'll call his mobile…"

I walked into the dining room. "Liam… Mam wants to speak to you…"

He smiled… "OK…" reaching for the phone. I knew I was pale and shaking. I felt Lily looking at me.

"Hiya Maura…" His face changed. "No, I honestly didn't know he'd missed the appointment. I didn't know he had one. I told him there was one due… Yes, I know how you feel. Thanks for telling me."

Wordlessly, he handed me my mobile back. There was a silence you could have cut with a knife. Then Liam spoke, in a very similar tone to my mothers'.

"I think we need to talk Niall… in private…"

I nodded.

I wanted the stairs to never end that night, but all too soon we were in our room. He shut the door and turned to me - his eyes blazing with anger.

"Why the fuck did you miss that appointment? You know how important they are…"

"I had… had to… I had to go to Wicklow…"

"You could have told Louis…"

"I couldn't have… I don't want anyone to know…"

"Know what? That you had leukaemia? Jesus Niall, it's nothing to be ashamed of… and I doubt he'd have told anyone…"

"I don't want him to know…"

"Why? Are you afraid he'll know you're not perfect…? Niall… no one is…"

"I don't know… I just daren't risk losing it now…"

"Losing what? Pop Idol?"

I nodded. He threw his head back and groaned. "Niall… you are losing all sense of perspective…"

"It's important to me!"

"More important than your health…?" I said nothing.

"Niall!"

"I'm not going to die from not having one check up."

"How do you know…? What if the leukaemia came back? And your only chance was to catch it now…?"

"Shut up…" My anger came from nowhere. "I don't want to hear what if… I'm not going to get sick again, OK? But you're waiting for it, aren't you?"

"Niall… no one knows… I pray every night you'll never be sick again, but you know the statistics…"

I threw myself at him, knocking him into the wall. "You are just waiting for me to die… well I'm not, OK?! I'm getting on with my life… making something of it!"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing…" I released him and backed away.

"Tell me, Niall… Why is Pop Idol so important to you…?"

"Because… it's my chance… it's important to everyone…"

"No, not like it is to you… Lou accepted not winning… It would break you Niall, and I want to know why!"

I leaned against the wall… burying my face in my arms… "I can't explain…"

"Try…"

I didn't say anything.

"So it's not only more important than your health… it's more important than us?"

"No…" I wailed.

"Then tell me!" He looked at me as though seeing into my soul… "Oh Jesus, I think I know…"

"Read minds now, can you?!"

"You're scared you're going to die without making it, aren't you…?"

I went pale… He pulled me to him… "Niall… tell me…"

I nodded. "I… I don't want my life to have been for nothing. Everyone's made so much effort into making sure I've lived. I've caused so much pain to people I love. I just thought… I can't do much, Liam. I'm not clever like you. I'm… music is the one thing I can do. I want to be famous, so if I die in a few months people know I've been…"

He was silent for a long while… then he spoke quietly. "So you do think you'll die young?"

"It's a possibility isn't it? I'm so very lucky, but one day that luck will run out…"

"But we've talked about this… you never said how you felt…?"

"I didn't want to scare you… I dreamed about dying… about losing you…"

"Niall… to me if I lost you tomorrow, the time I've had with you makes it all worthwhile. Time I won't have again if you win Pop Idol!"

"What do you mean…? I won't change, Liam…"

"You will Niall, because you'll have to. I know that. If you win, you're not going to come out about us. You may want to, but you won't be able to. Louis Walsh won't let you. And I can't hide in the background forever. Not because I don't want to, but because if I do, it will get out. You might think Pop Idol's everything, but its tearing us apart…"

"No…"

"Yes… Niall… We have zilch time together, which will get less. Louis Walsh will find out about us if we go out together in public…"

"So you want me to quit…?"

"No… I'd never ask you to do that…I'm stating facts…"

"How long have you felt like this…?"

"Almost since the beginning… At first I thought it was jealousy, that I didn't want to share you… but… I'm losing you, Niall…"

"No…" I was crying.

"I didn't know it was _that_ important to you… Oh, I knew it was more important than Uni, but your health…? Why didn't you tell me…? You used to be able to tell me anything." I sat and cried.

"Liam… I'm sorry I lied… Really sorry… I didn't mean to…"

"I know you didn't, Niall… You lie because you're trapped, and you don't want to hurt people, let them down…" His voice sounded strange… I looked at him, and suddenly he looked ashamed.

"How do you know how I felt?"

"Because… because… I lied to you, Niall."

"Pardon?" Liam was crying now – it was as if our positions were reversed.

"I'm sorry, Niall. I didn't mean to… I … I was drunk, and missing you."

"Liam, I don't understand..."

"Niall, I cheated on you... I slept with someone else."

My world crashed down!

 

 

 

I pulled away from him, or he pulled away from me… I don't know which…

"No…" I didn't realise I was whimpering… "No… you wouldn't… you're just saying it…"

"Why the fuck would I do that?"

"To punish me for … missing my appointment… for wanting to win… for neglecting you…"

"For fuck's sake Niall… would I do that? I'm angry with you, but I wouldn't lie to hurt you…"

"Then why tell me now…?"

"Because I can't live with lying… it seemed to be a good time to get things into the open. I've wanted to tell you so many times, to beg you to forgive me… because I'm sorry…"

I looked into his eyes and knew every word was the truth. His eyes were chocolate brown… I felt sick to my stomach. "Who was it, Liam?"

"It's not important…"

"It is to me… Do I know him?"

Liam bit his lip. "It was when you were in Wicklow. I rang you, but there was no answer. Your phone was off and I was angry because I wanted to hear your voice. I went out with some mates from the docks. I got blathered, one thing led to another… I didn't even know her name."

The room spun. It was a woman. Liam had slept with a woman.

 

"Niall… Niall…" My head was between my knees. "Jesus, you passed out…"

"Tell me you didn't say that… tell me it wasn't a woman…"

"Sorry, Niall… I didn't realise…"

"No… " I looked at him… "No…"

"Niall…"

I suddenly felt calm. I stood up. "Liam, tell me… has it always been a lie?"

"What?"

"You 'loving' me… Did I force you into it? Maybe your parents were right…? Maybe I corrupted you? Maybe you only stayed with me out of pity… Was it good with her then? Did you feel you'd missed a lot in the past five years? Did she turn you on?"

Liam hit me hard across the face. "Shut up, Niall…" I touched my mouth and felt the blood. "It wasn't like that… I was drunk and lonely…"

"I've been lonely too! I haven't shagged the first thing that came along, have I?"

"I'm lonely when you're here Niall, because you're out there with your fans. I can't hold you in public, not even on a fucking deserted beach. I just had too much vodka and I needed to fuck, OK?!"

I looked at him. "Is that how it is with me? You need to fuck?"

"No… I love you, Niall… and I hate myself for that night. I always will. I was weak, but I'm tired of being the strong one. I need you Niall, but I know I can't have you… because I'm not going to let your dreams be the price of our relationship…"

I went cold. He was saying it was over… "Liam, please… I'll pull out… I'll call Louis now…"

"No Niall… because I'd hate myself, and you'd hate me. Maybe not now, but soon. Maybe we need to take a break…"

"No… Please Liam… don't leave…"

He was throwing things into a case "Liam…"

"Ni… we need space."

"Where will you go…?"

"I'll find somewhere…"

"With her?" I don't believe I said it, but I did…

"Niall… I don't even know her name, OK? It meant less than nothing, and I won't be repeating the experience again…"

"Liam…"

"I'm sorry Niall… I can't live like this. I don't want to hurt you, but I'll hurt you more if I stay…" His hand briefly touched my hair. "I do love you but…" He walked out the door… I was frozen for maybe thirty seconds, then I rushed to the landing. I could hear him talking to Lily and Jack. I hurried down the stairs.

He was stood in the doorway. "Liam!"

"Niall… it's for the best. Look after him for me, Lily." Then the door was closed, and he was gone. Dodging Jack and Lily's attempts to grab me, I threw it open and ran after him… but I was too late… He shut the car door as drove away…  
Suddenly my knees went weak and I collapsed onto the wet pavement, hardly feeling the rain. My tears merged into it. I didn't feel the gentle arms that picked me up and took me inside, and laid me on the sofa.

"Niall, look at me. You're only going to make yourself ill…" Lily's voice was firm.

"He's left me, Lily…"

"I know lad… he told me…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt him… I just wanted…"

"I got the impression he was leaving so he didn't hurt you anymore…"

"I don't care what he's done, I want him back… I don't care about pop idol… I want Liam…"

"It's not that simple Ni…"

"I want him."

I don't remember Jack carrying me to bed, but it wasn't my room. It was a flowery room on the first floor, and I gather Lily thought it would be less upsetting for me than mine and Liam's bed. Bless her, she sat with me all night while I cried, until I fell asleep.

I woke up in this strange room, thinking of Liam. I loved him more than anything, but he couldn't live with the secrecy of us and me in the public eye. I wasn't strong enough to be honest, to tell the world I was gay… And that was the only way I could have Liam… and pop idol and the fame I wanted so much. Lily stroked my hair… "You feeling any better now, love?"

I shook my head… "Has… has he rung?"

"No lad…"

"I don't know where he'd go… He gave up his family for me… everything…"

"Your parents?"

"I doubt it, he felt guilty."

"He's got friends at uni… he'll be OK and when he's calmed down, he'll call you…" I wasn't too sure about that.

Early in the afternoon I got up, legs feeling like jelly, but I couldn't hide forever. I had an assignment due in the following day and though I couldn't give a damn right now getting kicked out wouldn't be smart. I tried to avert my eyes from the picture of me and Liam on the noticeboard… I got my books and began to write… There was a knock on the door. It was Lily.

"Ni love, there's someone to see you…"

I jumped up…"Liam?"

"No…"

"I don't want to see any fans…"

"I don't think they're fans… I told them you weren't feeling too good, but they said it was very important…"

"OK…I'll come down…"

I washed my face and combed my hair. I could hear voices from the living room… that seemed familiar. On the sofa were Mr and Mrs Payne. My legs went weak and I clutched at the door frame.

"Hello Niall…"

"What do you want…?" 'Please don't let anything have happened to Liam… Please…'

"Nothing really. We've been watching you on TV every week and we thought it was about time all those little girls and their mothers knew the truth about you - the real truth. So we've been to Dublin to see a national Irish paper. It's going to be in the Sunday edition next week, how you corrupted and stole our son, how you should have died." Her eyes were full of hatred.

Her words whirled in my brain, I'd been expecting this. Maybe not like this, maybe not even the Payne's, but someone from somewhere in my past selling the story. I could hear Lily telling them to get out of her house.

"I'd like to see Liam too…" She was cool and calm.

"He's not here…"

"Don't lie to me Niall, like you've lied to everyone else, because I see straight through you…"

"He isn't here, OK? He's left me!" I knew she would gloat, but I felt happy in one way. He hadn't gone back to her. "But he doesn't give enough of a shit about you to tell you…"

She was pale, but still vicious. "By this time next week you'll be finished Niall… No more fame or fans, and not even your lover for your perverted life… They should have let you die…"

"Get out, you gold digging evil bitch…" Jack had to hold Lily back. I heard the door slam, then felt Lily holding me. "It's OK Niall… it will be OK…"

"No, it won't…"

"People are far more accepting than you think… Look at us…"

"I don't give a shit about pop idol. I only want Liam, and I'll never get him back… Not when it's plastered over the papers about us. I've lost him for good. I should have died… and saved everyone the hassle…" Lily scolded me and held me and made me drink brandy, then put me to bed in the flowery room.

"Lily… go to bed… I'll be…OK"

"Niall…"

"Lily… you going to sit by my bed every night? I'm OK, just tired. You get to bed…"

"If you're sure…"

 

 

 

****** Attempted Suicide ******

 

I lay a long while in the dark, the house was silent and I judged everyone to be asleep. I got up to the bathroom. Looking at my reflection in the mirror. 'You cause pain for everyone. You were meant to die, Niall. You cheated death and this pain you're causing everyone is the price… it's got to stop…"

On auto pilot I opened the cupboard. Lily was a martyr to arthritis and there was a full bottle of codeine tablets… more than enough… I didn't even know how many I swallowed, it seemed the most rational thing to do.

I planned to go back to the bed and curl up… I underestimated how fast the tablets would work on my empty stomach, I felt my legs buckle and it all went dark. I saw Bressie in front of me, eyes accusing… It was his bone marrow that had saved me.

"Please… forgive me Bressie… I'm sorry…" Then I lost all awareness.

 

***** Attempted Suicide Over ******

 

Being dead wasn't what I'd expected.

I had spent almost all my life living under the shadow of death, whether imminent or lurking in the background. I'd thought about it a lot. I'd have never told my parents this or Liam but I wondered about heaven and about hell. And where I would go, what it would be like, if it would hurt. I'd even mentioned it once or twice at confession, (before I stopped going because I was sleeping withLiam!) So that dark night when I lost all sense of reason and swallowed those tablets as I drifted into the darkness, I expected death to claim me. I'd never been scared of the idea of dying – just of leaving behind the people I loved but I was letting them down by living and I no longer had the person I cared most about and lived for. So it didn't really matter. I welcomed the darkness…

I opened my eyes with a start, into bright white light. Surely I hadn't made it to heaven, yet equally surely this wasn't hell. I wasn't getting prodded by little devils with pitchforks, although I realised with a groan my body felt like it was. My stomach hurt. I felt sick. My throat was killing me and I had a vile taste in my mouth. Surely death was supposed to take away the pain and not bring more. I opened my eyes again, forcing them to stay open longer.

Hospital! I'd been in enough of them to know. Sterile white walls, a hard bed, the scratchy sheet, a lumpy pillow… I hadn't managed to kill myself – part of me was disappointed. I couldn't even manage that right. All the pain was still there and now the added pain that I'd put Lily and Jack through, for it had to have been them who found me. With a little groan I closed my eyes again against the brightness.

When I next opened them, there was a nurse stood next to my bed. I shut them quickly again, but she'd seen me.

"Now then Niall. I know you're awake lad, so open your eyes. I need to have a quick look at you."

Reluctantly I did as she asked, her voice had been kind. She smiled at me. "I need to take your temperature and such things…"

"Do my observations?" My voice was cracking, and it hurt to talk.

"Aye lad… Do you want a drink of water for that throat?"

I nodded and gratefully sipped the cold liquid in the paper cup.

"You shouldn't be sick with it, but there's a bowl if you feel a bit queasy…"

"Why should I be? And how did you know my throat was sore…?"

"You've just had your stomach pumped lad, be strange if it wasn't…"

 

Of course. The tablets hadn't just failed to end my life, someone had stopped them. Jesus, never again. My stomach felt like it had been ripped out and my throat wasn't much better. The nurse continued checking my bodily bits.

"Well Niall… we caught you in time…" I waited for her lecture, eyes on the floor by the bed… "but we'll have to keep you in a little while to make sure there's no lasting damage… one of the doctors will be round later… Now there's a few people waiting to see you… you feel up to seeing them…?"

I didn't want to. I had screwed things up and in spectacular style, but I couldn't avoid Lily and Jack forever. I had a sudden thought too. "What time is it, please?"

"9.30 AM."

"How long have I been here…?"

"In my ward, about 3 hours. In the hospital since about 1 AM - when they rushed you into A&E…"

"is that all?" It seemed a lifetime ago since I had lain crying and decided there was no way forward – it was really only a few hours, not even the clock round. I wondered if my mam and dad had been told yet – maybe they were in the waiting room even now. Oh fuck I had really let them down… only now did the enormity of what I'd tried to do really hit me! All that effort they had put into keeping me alive since I was small and I had repaid them by trying to throw it away! I didn't want to see them, or anyone else again ever! If I'd wanted to die before, it was nothing to how I felt now. My eyes filled with tears.

The nurse was there instantly… "Now, now Niall… there's no need for that… no one's mad with you…all they're bothered about is if you're going to be OK and why you didn't tell them you felt so bad… It's going to be all right…'"

She put a comforting arm round me as I sobbed into her overall thing.

"No, you don't understand… about me…I…. I…"

"I know you had leukaemia as a child and a teenager, that you fought so hard to be alive today, and that we weren't going to let it end in an ICT bed, before you were twenty one if we could help it. You're not in trouble, so come on. Stop crying. Your landlady's really wanting to see you…"

"Are… are my parents there?"

"Not yet… On their way I believe, they're not mad either…"

 

That should have made me feel better, but it wasn't anger I was afraid of. I'd have preferred them to be angry. They would be disappointed or worried, which was much worse. I knew Lily wasn't going to shout at me for putting her and Jack through all that, but I wished she would. Instead I knew she'd feel guilty that she'd left me alone… Angry with herself that she hadn't realised I would do something like this – Jesus I hadn't realised I would try this. Fuck, I was stupid – this was the stupidest thing ever…

"So Niall… can Mrs Monahan come in?" The nurse was talking to me. I couldn't avoid it forever, I might as well get it over with. Slowly I nodded, then concentrated on staring at the hem of the sheet.

I heard the nurse come back, then Lily was sat by my bed. She was alone.

"Hiya love…" Her voice was low. I couldn't answer. "Come on Niall… look at me lad…"

I felt the tears pool in my eyes. I risked a quick glance from under my lashes and she gave me a little smile. "Come on, look at me properly. I'm not that frightening, am I?"

I shook my head, dislodging one of the tears which trickled down my cheek..

  
"Oh Niall. Why didn't you tell me…? I knew you were upset but… not… not to try… killing yourself…"

"I'm… I'm sorry… I didn't plan it. Honest. I… I just… I'm sorry…"

With a sigh she leaned across and hugged me… "I know you are Ni. I know you wouldn't hurt me for the world. But… suicide?"

"I know… It doesn't solve my problems…" Especially as I'd cocked it up, but I didn't add that bit.

"Niall, you've fought so hard to live. You should have no problems that make you want to throw that away…"

"But…" I choked on the name… "Liam…"

"Not even Liam!"

"I only ever wanted to live for him…"

"And what about your parents and brothers and sisters? Not to mention me and Jack… and all your fans…"

I groaned at that. I had managed to blow it all. Even if no one knew about this stunt, they'd all read about me next week. All thanks to Mr and Mrs Payne. More tears began to fall…

"Niall… I know you loved Liam, but you've so much more in your life than just him."

"Oh yeah? I think I threw that all away…"

"Niall, don't give up…"

"Lily… Liam's the main thing in my life – the only thing worth anything… and he's gone… There is going to be one major explosion when his parents tell their version of me and him in the press… I can kiss Pop Idol goodbye… Maybe before then, if Louis Walsh finds out about this…"

"Why? Aren't you planning to tell him?"

"No way… I'm going to pull out of Pop Idol… and… and I don't know… Go back to Mullingar if mam and dad will have me back…"

"Niall! What about university…?"

"I'm screwing up there, anyway. I'm not going back…"

"So you're just going to quit?"

"What choice do I have…?"

"I don't know Niall, but you haven't even tried to find an alternative…"

"There is no alternative…"

"Niall, plenty of people would have said that 3 years ago when Liam and your father carried you out of my house almost dead. They'd have said there was no way you'd have made a recovery from your leukaemia, but you did. You fought… and now… you're giving up…"

"Maybe I don't want to fight anymore…"

"I don't believe that…"

I buried my face in my hands. "Then what do I do, Lily…?"

"I don't know lad… but… I bet someone would…"

"Like who?"

"Louis Walsh…"

"No Lily… I can't tell him…"

"Why not? You have nothing to be ashamed of… and… do you really think he's not going to push you for a reason for you dropping out…? That he's going to say… 'Oh righto Niall… nice knowing you…' He's already said he's going to manage your career whether you win or lose…"

"What am I supposed to say? 'Louis, I'm gay, I tried to kill myself because my lover left me and his parents are going to sell a nasty story about me to the press… oh and I've almost died of leukaemia twice too but I didn't bother to mention it on the form… It's just incidental!' Lily… that will be it…over!"

"And it won't be if you run back to Mullingar with your tail between your legs? Let that bitch spread her lies without fighting back? The Niall I love is one tough kid, he fights anything despite the odds… Not runs away…" She looked at me… "But I guess its up to you… maybe I was wrong…"

I bit my lip and said nothing.

"I let your mam and dad know Niall… I'm sorry if it was the wrong thing to do, but the hospital would have anyway… I thought it would be better from me…"

"Yes… thank you…"

She stood up… "Maybe you should have a little rest before they get here… I'll be out there if you need me."

I knew she was disappointed in me. Not because I had tried to take my life, but because I had given up. And she was right, Louis would find out anyway. He had been good to me, and even if it meant he would lose it completely with me I should tell him everything. I owed him that much, at least.

"Lily…"

She turned…

"Could you do me a really big favour…?"

"Of course I can, Niall…"

"Could you call Louis Walsh… and tell him …I'd like to see him as soon as possible, please?"

"I can do that Ni, but where shall he see you? We don't know when you'll be released yet…"

"Tell him to come here… Tell him I was stupid." I didn't tell her to say or not say anything about the rest of it. My sexuality and my illness. I trusted Lily completely – she would do and say the right thing. "His mobile number's in my phone."

She came back to the bed and smiled. "I'll go now… and Niall, you're doing the right thing." She kissed my hair, and then left. I lay down. I didn't know about doing the right thing. I was doing the only thing I could do - right or wrong! And suddenly making that decision had left me very tired. I yawned and closed my eyes.

 

When I next awoke my mam was sat by my bed… "Mam?"

"It's OK, Niall…" She was holding my hand... "although this is a fine foolish position for you to be in…" I nodded. Mam was always matter of fact, that's how she'd got through so much with me.

"I'm sorry… "

"I should hope you are too…" but there was no anger or malice. She gave me a little smile… "Still the main thing is that someone found you in time… I'm very grateful to Lily…"

I nodded again… Mam didn't ask why I'd done it, Lily must have told her… but I had to say the words too…

"I didn't intend to… I was just so… broken… " I looked her in the eyes… "Liam's left me…"

"I gathered that son…"

"Did Lily tell you…?"

"Not much… I worked it out… He's not here and I can't think of anything else on this planet that would make you want to lose everything you've fought so hard for…"

I was picking at the sheet… "He cheated on me, mam…"

Now she did look shocked. "Only a one night stand… but he said he couldn't live with the lies and the secrecy of hiding our love any more… and then… then his mam came to see me… she's selling the story."

"Oh Jesus… Niall… I'm so sorry love…"

Suddenly I felt about four… "Mam… just hold me…" That's how Louis Walsh found us when he walked in with dad…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me :(


	14. F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you decided to stop reading at the trigger warning - Niall agreed that Lily should call Louis (Walsh) to tell him that he's pulling out of Pop Idol because he's gay and tried suicide (and had Leukaemia). Maura came to see him, and she's cuddling him - y'know, because he's heartbroken due to the break up. 
> 
> Louis = Louis Walsh.  
> Lou = Louis Tomlinson.

"Oh I'm sorry… Mr Horan said to come in…"

I tried to pull away but mam held me and stroking my hair… "It's OK Mr Walsh… Niall still needs a bit of mothering at times…"

Don't we all?" His voice sounded gentle… "Do you want me to come back in a few minutes…?"

"No…" she let me go… "He's a big boy… Do you want me to stay Ni…?"

I shook my head. "No… I need to talk to Louis alone…"

"OK … I'll go and see if I can find someone who'll tell me when you can come out… See you soon… and don't tire yourself out Niall…"

Louis smiled at her. "I won't let him Mrs Horan…"

I watched the door shut, all the time avoiding Louis's eyes, then I took a deep breath. "I suppose you know why I'm here… what I did…"

Louis nodded. "Lily said you'd taken an overdose of painkillers last night…"

"Yes… pretty stupid I guess?"

"It depends on the reason you had. I hope to god it wasn't anything to do with me putting you under too much pressure… pushing you too hard…?"

He sounded genuinely anxious and worried, I shook my head.

"No… nothing like that."

"Good, because I'll tell you the truth Niall, since Lily called… I've been worrying myself sick… because I only put you under pressure because… because I know you're going to be make it big."

I gave him a cynical smile. "You won't be saying that when I tell you why I tried to kill myself."

"Do you want to tell me Niall, because I'm not expecting you to?"

"I have to… you have to know why I'm pulling out of pop idol."

Now he did look alarmed. "Niall, you don't have to… Providing you're all right and released in a couple of days… no one knows… it's not hit the press… no one will know, only us…"

"I have to Louis and it's nothing to do with this… and … anyway… you'll want me to."

Now he was definitely intrigued and worried. "Go on then…"

I took a deep breath. "Louis… I took an overdose because… because I'm gay and the person I've loved for five years left me last night."

There was a long silence then Louis spoke again in the same gentle voice he'd used before I dropped the bombshell. "So it's something in your private life…?"

I nodded. "Except that by this time next week it won't be private any longer, his parents are selling the story to an Irish national paper."

It was his turn to take a deep breath and me to hold mine as I waited for the explosion – it never came. Finally he spoke. "It's not the end of the world Niall… we could maybe sort it… but you'd have to tell me everything… can you do that…?"

I nodded. "I can, but I warn you… it's not everything…" Now he looked puzzled – no doubt wondering what else I was going to hit him with. "This isn't the first time I've almost died Louis, though it's the first time I've tried to kill myself. I was critically ill when I was three and when I was seventeen. I had leukaemia."

He didn't flinch. "If you want to tell me go ahead…"

"It's a long story..."

"Niall, I have all the time it takes."

"OK… I … I don't remember the first time I was ill really… just bits…"

 

"And Liam left me… He'd had a one night stand and… and when his mam and dad told me they were selling the story… Well, I couldn't handle it… I felt I'd done nothing but cause pain and suffering to mam and dad and everyone. It just seemed like the only thing to do…"

I'd talked for ages or so it seemed… and Louis hadn't said a word. He was sat there all the time. I finally met his eyes expecting anger and scorn. They were still gentle, but they had some other expression too. One I couldn't work out…

"So you see… why I have to drop out…?" I bit my lip…

"Jesus…" I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Niall, you've come so far… why drop out now?"

"But…"

"No buts… From the moment you stood in front of me and sang 'Seasons in the sun' I knew you had talent, had something special… but… oh Niall… I would imagine you could never give your parents shame… they must be so proud of you…"

"Louis… the Payne's aren't going to tell some sad sweet tragedy… I'm the gay twat who led their son astray, broke up a family… it's not going to be pleasant reading!"

"I don't give a fuck… Ni, you are talented and you deserve to be Pop Idol. I'm not letting some homophobic bastards ruin it…"

"Louis, the majority of people won't want me as pop idol when they know…"

"Let's face that when we come to it… Now Niall… I'll be honest with you…"

"Unlike me with you!"

"I know where you were coming from, so forget that. Back to the matter in hand, I can probably stop whatever paper printing that story for now at least."

"You can?"

"My lawyers are good, but the question is - do you want to come out?"

My mouth opened. He smiled. "Niall, I get the feeling from talking to you that you're not comfortable with the lies. The image. That if you'd had a choice - you'd have been honest about you and Liam, that you'd prefer that. I can get this story stopped. I can give you the most heterosexual image. I can fool people – it's been done before. You could be very famous… but…"

"There's always a but."

"Yep. You would be living always knowing you could be outed and you wouldn't be able to have a relationship plus you'd be living a lie, it will look much worse than coming out now if it does get out. But it's you that has to live with it – either way."

I thought… trying to keep Liam a secret had been what had ultimately cost our relationship. Louis was giving me back a chance to be me.

"But Louis… if I wanted to come out… you're saying it wouldn't affect pop idol… how would I play it?"

"How would _we_ play it, Niall! I'd go to whatever rag is going to publish the dirt and offer your exclusive… to be published the day before. We'd do an interview and photo shoot, and be totally honest, their story would be worth nothing… They're not doing it for the money… just a chance to wreck your life. It wouldn't be worth their effort…"

He was making sense… "When would we do this…?"

"It would have to be published this Saturday…"

"Show day?!"

"I know… but Niall, you could lose this Saturday anyway… I'll still get you a career… and don't assume you being gay will cost you the title…"

"But it could…"

"There are no certainties Niall, not in anything, least of all this business. It's a risk you have to take… at least you'll go out fighting…"

He looked at me earnestly… "I won't give you bad advice Niall…"

"I know… I guess… I'll have to go for it!"

"Good lad…"

"But two things… One, I don't want Liam mentioning by name. I'm not outing him, and two… I don't want my illness mentioning at all."

Louis looked puzzled. "I can see the point about Liam but… why not about your illness…? I don't understand why you kept in secret in the first place…"

"Because I don't want sympathy Louis… people voting for me out of pity…"

He nodded. "But Niall… that's something else you will have to be honest about eventually, and it's an amazing story…"

He was right. "OK. I'll speak out about the leukaemia the day after I get knocked out, so I know its not affected the votes… Is that a deal?"

He smiled. "Done… I can actually use it to bargain with the gutter press… promise them a hot exclusive if they hold back… You're doing the best thing you can…"

I nodded. He ruffled my hair. "Let's see if any one knows when you can come out…"

 

Mam smiled. "The doctors say tomorrow morning… they want to observe you tonight and make sure your blood's OK… plus… you have to see a psychiatrist… to make sure you don't intend to pull a stupid stunt again…"

I didn't like the sound of that, but I had to put up with it. I nodded. She looked at me and then Louis… "So what's happening…? Will you be staying in Dublin Niall or coming back with us to Mullingar?"

"I'm staying… I've got a show to do on Saturday…"

She gave me a questioning look.

"Niall's decided to continue with Pop idol… and to come out about his sexuality…"

I looked at mam nervously, hoping she wouldn't be angry. She was smiling and Louis looked relieved…

"Maybe we should have discussed it with you…?"

"No, Ni's an adult…"

"But it's OK?"

"I think it's for the best. Niall's known he was gay since he was 16 at least… Probably even longer. Living a lie is no good to anyone. It's cost him too much already…"

"Your son's a very courageous boy, Mrs Horan… I'm proud to be working with him…"

Mam smiled. "You're doing a lot for Ni… thank you…"

"OK… I'll be off now… Ni, ring me when you get out tomorrow. I'll cancel some of your promos, tell them you're sick or something… and arrange the interview…"

"Thanks Louis…" He grinned and shook my hand, and left me with mam and dad.

"So you've had another chance again Ni…?"

"I'm sorry… about…"

"Put it behind you… you have a lot still going for you…"

"Apart from Liam…Did…?" My voice wavered. "Did you ring him… tell him I was here?"

"No…" dad was firm. "I didn't want him coming out of a false sense of duty, feeling guilty…"

I nodded. "I didn't mean you should have… I just wondered if he knew, and just didn't care…"

 

Mam took my hand. "Ni… Liam's been like another son to me for almost five years. He may have done things I didn't expect but I know one thing. He cares, Niall… I believe him when he says he's left because he doesn't want to hurt you any more…"

I had pushed his leaving to the back of my mind whilst talking to Louis, but now it came back with a vengeance… "Then why does it hurt me so much…?"

Mam pulled me to her… "I don't know baby… I don't know…" My professional future may have been stabilised, but my emotions were still erratic. I could face the world knowing I was gay, I would have to anyway. The question was - could I face the world without Liam? I'd have to try.

Mam held me a while then let go… "Now get some rest because you're going to have an hectic week…"

"Do you honestly think I'm doing the right thing…?"

"Niall… I can't say you're doing the thing that's going to win you pop idol, but you're doing the only thing you can do… the best thing. And I know it's going to be hard, but you can face this. Louis was right when he said you had courage, but he was wrong on something else."

I looked at her… "What?"

"You're not a boy… you're a man, and I'm so proud of you…"

"Even with this…?"

"Even with this because I know you'll learn from this Niall, and that's all that matters… Now get some sleep!"

I did as I was told – I may have been an adult, but she was still my mother. And I would have perhaps the most hectic week of my life… where I would fly and soar or fail and fall… But there would be no turning back!

 

 

 

I took a deep breath and looked at my reflection. I looked the same, maybe a little paler but no one would be able to tell from looking that I had just come out of hospital after attempting suicide. I looked as though I'd had a bug or something. It sounded like it too, my throat was still sore. I guess when they push tubes down your throat, it has that effect. Word of advice… don't take an overdose. Getting your stomach pumped is a killer. Mine hurt, it felt tender round the abdomen and I wasn't hungry. But maybe that was the thoughts of speaking to a journalist about my sexuality… Louis had come back to the hospital that Monday night to tell me he'd arranged the interview for the Thursday, and to reassure me that if I changed my mind it would be OK. And that no one was forcing me to do this.

I smiled at that. No one except Mr and Mrs Payne. Louis had also told me he'd tracked down the paper that was going to 'out' me and persuaded them otherwise. God knows what he had promised them – I didn't think my illness would be enough to stop the traffic. But at the moment I didn't care, I just had to get through the next few days.

The psychiatrist had been to talk to me Monday night. I'd been sat in bed watching mindless TV and eating soup… I was on a light liquid diet when this small, smiley woman stuck her head round the door.

"Niall Horan?"

I nodded. She beamed and came in. "Thought you'd be surrounded by relatives and I'd have to come back. I'm Gina Lovell and I'm the pysch consultant. I expect someone mentioned I'd be coming…"

I gave her a small smile. "Not you personally, but yes. They said I'd have to have an evaluation…"

"It's procedure… you did try to kill yourself. We have to be sure it's not the first thing you'll rush to do when we let you go. And I'm sure you don't want to stay here any longer than necessary."

I let a spoonful of soup slip back into the bowl… "Not with food like this…"

She grinned. "Mind if I sit down…?"

"Be my guest…"

She sat and read through my notes. "OK Niall, they brought you in here at 1:30 AM this morning after your landlady found you unconscious on the floor with an almost empty bottle of codeine tablets. They stabilised you and pumped your stomach. You regained consciousness about 9 AM. That sound about right?" I nodded.

"You didn't leave a note, you've no history of suicidal tendencies or depression, apart from the depression intrinsic to your illness three years ago… So I can conclude you didn't plan this…"

"No I didn't… I … I… don't know why I was so stupid…"

"You think you were stupid then?"

"Yes. My stomach hurts, my throat is killing me. I was a bloody fool, and I've upset people…"

"But last night you thought it was the only way?"

I nodded. "I wasn't thinking. I expect you know about me. I'm gay and my… my lover left me, because he couldn't handle the Pop Idol thing and he'd cheated and then his parents told me they were going to sell the story. I couldn't handle it."

"I imagine it was a shock to your system… how do you feel about your boyfriend?"

I considered it, I had been trying to shut Liam out of my mind. "Gutted!" I finally answered

"Want to tell me about him?"

"What's to tell? I'd loved him since I first saw him when we were sixteen. He stuck by me through all the shit of my illness. I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for him! He gave up everything and it's all gone."

"So that's why you tried to kill yourself?"

"Partly… partly because I'm always going to live with the shadow of this, there's no escaping it."

"Shadow of what Niall?"

"Leukaemia!"

She looked at me. "Niall, you have to move on…"

"Tell that to everyone else! Me and Liam used to fight about it. I want to forget it so much…"

"No Niall, I don't mean forget it. I mean move on, there's a difference…"

I saw what she was getting at. It was part of me. I had to learn to live with that. "I felt I'd failed mam and dad…"

Gina smiled. "Niall, I've spoken to your parents. No way have you failed them… they are so proud of you. You're a son to be proud of!"

I gave a cynical snort… "Really?"

"Yes, really!" She was insistent.

"I don't think I'm anything to be proud of…" I finally answered.

"Why?"

I shrugged.

"Niall, that's not an answer."

"I know that. It's just, Jesus, I am a failure as a son. I've been sick for a good part of my life, caused them worry… then I… then I turn out to be gay. Now it's all going to be spread over the papers… Why the hell didn't I have the sense to be content with what I had? Liam, a nice life, my parents blessing… Why did I have to be famous?"

"Good question, Niall. Only you know the answer…"

I was going to have to be honest with her like I had been with Liam. "Because I'm scared I'm going to die. Now. Soon. And… no one …I want." I felt my tears again…

"You want to be famous to leave something behind?'"

I nodded.

"Niall, there's nothing wrong with that. You have to stop punishing yourself. You couldn't help having Leukaemia as a child or a teenager… it shouldn't stop you reaching for your dreams…"

I nodded. She looked at me intently.

"Niall I'm going to say something else now too… You might not like it, or even think it's true, maybe it isn't but I would like you to think about it… And eventually be honest with yourself."

I gave her a curious look… what could she be about to say?

"Niall, I think this big problem you have with this 'shame' is that you are ashamed of being gay."

"No… I've known for years. It's never bothered me…"

"Maybe not for yourself, but for the people you're closest to. Your parents…"

I shook my head.

"Niall, I'm not going to say anything else about it. I just want you to think about it, OK? And remember there is nothing wrong with being gay. It doesn't change who you are. There's no right or wrongs when it comes to love." She gave me a smile. "I'll leave you to finish your supper now!"

"When can I leave here?"

"Oh, that's up to the doctor but I'll be telling him I don't think you're a danger to yourself. That it was totally unpremeditated and I doubt you'll try it again." She sounded stern. "So don't let me down, OK?"

I smiled. "I won't… And thank you…"

"No trouble."

After she left I sat a long while. The soup going cold and I was thinking of what she'd said. Was I ashamed of my sexuality? I didn't think I was but… I did have a lot of hang –ups about causing pain to my parents, and the being gay thing was a major part of that. Then I got to thinking about Liam… Had I pushed him into his sexuality so to speak? Jesus, it sure was complicated. I guessed I would need to talk to someone about this. When I got the rest of the mess that was my life sorted out, that was.

 

So they let me out next day and I returned to Lily's. There were a few girls hanging round and I groaned. How did I explain this one? But as usual, Lily saved the day.

"Hiya girls… Niall's not going to hang around outside today, he's got a cold and you wouldn't want him to lose his voice for Saturday would you?"

"Where you been this weekend, Niall…?"

I bit my lip, but Lily was in there. "At home in Mullingar with his family. Heavens above, he does have a life. Now why don't you come back in a few days. I'm sure Ni will sign for you then." I nodded.

I was amazed – they went. "Thanks Lily."

"No problem… Now do you want a different room?"

"No… I have to face this sometime rather sooner than later."

"Good lad."

 

I slowly climbed the stairs. This was going to be hard. The week was going to be hard. In two days I was going to share my deepest secrets with the world. How had I gone from being on top of the world to this? The room looked the same though. My essay that I had started before Liam's parents had ruined my life lay on the desk. I picked it up. I knew mam had got the consultant to get me a note for uni… I had 10 days sick leave so there was no rush for this. I looked up at the picture of Liam on my pinboard… and I wanted to cry.

But it would do me no good. I had to focus on what I was going to say in this interview, and also I was worrying about Lou and Zayn. My two closest friends. I couldn't… didn't want to let them read it in the Saturday papers which left one alternative… I had to tell them, before…

Despite all my worries I slept well that night. It's funny how it sometimes goes like that, isn't it? I went down to breakfast knowing that Lily would worry if I didn't, and I had caused her enough worry. My throat was almost back to normal thanks to large doses of honey and lemon, and my stomach was feeling a little better though still tender.

Lily looked at me closely… "You OK Niall?"

"Yes… just wishing it was all over…"

"Soon will be… What time's the interview tomorrow?"

"Eleven thirty."

"Want me to come with you?"

"I'd love you to, but it's one thing I have to face on my own…"

She nodded.

"Lily…?"

"What?"

"I was thinking … I ought to tell Lou and Zayn… about… about…"

"About you being gay?"

I nodded.

"I've been thinking that myself, but it had to be your choice."

"Can I ask them over?"

"Niall, it's your home. Of course you can…"

 

I got Zayn's voice mail. I guess he was doing something to do with Pop Idol. He had texted me but I had just said I wasn't well, the same thing I had said to Lou when he had asked me about uni. I left Zayn a message and rang Lou…

"Well if it isn't the skiver…? How you feeling mate?" Lou was jovial as always.

"Better thanks… Look Lou, you free tonight?"

"Yeah, after seven. Why?"

"Want to come round for a drink…? I need to talk to you…"

"What about?"

"I'd rather tell you face to face, if you don't mind. Zayn's coming too."

"OK. I'll bring some beer." He sounded puzzled. I hoped to god I was doing the right thing. Zayn called me back, he'd love to come, he had loads of gossip and it wasn't the same without me. I smiled. Would he be saying that in a few hours time?

I wandered round my room. Mine and Liam's, only Liam wasn't there anymore. Maybe  he never would be. Maybe I would have to face up to the fact I had lost him for a stupid dream and fantasy. Yet he had known what it meant to me. I heard his voice again…

_'Then you have to learn to fly Niall… reach those stars… I believe you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to believe it too…'_

And he had been right. I had got so far. Maybe… maybe if I put my mind to it, sometime in the near future I could get Liam back too. I had to go for it.

I picked up my guitar. There had been times in the past few days when I felt my music had deserted me but now… as often in the past it was my comfort when I was down. My best friend, so to speak. I felt a song coming on and rushed to get some paper, scribbling over the essay on manufactured artists I had begun that fateful Sunday.

 

_When you feel the dream is over, feel the world is on your shoulders_   
_And you've lost the strength to carry on even though the walls may crumble and you find you always stumble_   
_Through remember never to surrender to the dark_

_Cos if you turn another page you will see that's not the way the story has to end_

_If you need to find a way back, feel you're on the wrong track give it time you'll learn to fly_   
_Tomorrow is a new day and you will find your own way, you'll be stronger with each tear that you cry_   
_Then you'll learn to fly._

_In your head so many questions the truth is your possession the answer lies within your heart_   
_You will see the doors are open if you only dare to hope and you will find a way to fight the fears that kept you down_

_Cos if you turn another page you will see that's not the way the story has to end_

_If you need to find a way back, feel you're on the wrong track give it time you'll learn to fly_   
_Tomorrow is a new day and you will find your own way, you'll be stronger with each tear that you cry_   
_Then you'll learn to fly._

_Looking at your situation there's so much that you can do_   
_Now's the time to make your stand this is just an observation in the end its up to you_   
_The futures in your hands_

_If you need to find a way back, feel you're on the wrong track give it time you'll learn to fly_   
_Tomorrow is a new day and you will find your own way, you'll be stronger with each tear that you cry_   
_Then you'll learn to fly._

_Give it time… you'll learn to fly_

 

I felt drained when I put the pen down and played it through, yet I felt a kind of exorcism too. Not better, but more relaxed. I could fly. I had just had to take that step, with or without Liam.

Lily's voice pulled me back to reality. "Niall love. Zayn's here." I took a deep breath – "Now or never Horan!" This was the time I'd find out who my friends really were! I headed down the long flight of stairs…

 

 

 

Zayn was smiling. "Hi Ni… how you feeling?"

"Not too bad…"

"You had a sore throat? You sound a bit croaky…"

"Yeah… It's a long story. Come on up." It was the first time Zayn had been to my home. He was out of breath when he reached the top of the stairs.

"Jesus Ni, that's why you're so skinny!"

I laughed. "You kind of get used to it…"

He looked round the attic room. "This is ace… Oh Jesus, look at that view…"

"I know. Great, isn't it?" I glanced at my watch – it was only half past five. I knew I would end up telling Zayn before Lou got there. I couldn't maintain a normal conversation for that length of time.

Zayn was looking round. "Where's Liam? Is he out?"

I swallowed hard. "No… he's… he's moved out…"

Zayn looked up in surprise at the catch in my voice. "Why? I thought you two were best friends?"

"We were…" I blinked back a tear, and I had to turn away from him.

But he was there, putting his warm arm around me. "Niall… whatever's the matter? Did you two have a falling out?" I sniffed and nodded – it was so much more complicated than that but …

"He'll come back… He's probably just kipping over with friends for a night or two…" He gave me a comforting squeeze. I sniffed again. It was so simple to Zayn. I'd had a row with me room mate and he'd pissed off for a couple of days. If only it was that simple. Zayn had let go of me and I became aware that he was watching me intently, and I also became aware that the sniffing was actually turning into tears, trickling down my face.

"Niall… please… what's wrong?"

"Nothing…" Damn me for lying. I scrubbed at my face with my sleeve. "I'm just a bit… down…"

An immaculate white handkerchief was offered in my direction. "Niall, it's more than that…" I took it and wiped my eyes. I had to do this. I had brought Zayn here with the intention of telling him everything. If I couldn't tell him or Lou what chance did I have of telling the world…? I blew my nose hard.

"Zee… I wanted you to come here today … I wanted to tell you something, and… Oh Jesus, I don't know where to start…"

"How about the beginning?" His voice was very soothing, and I nodded.

"You'd better sit down, Zayn." He looked at me quizzically and remained standing. I wandered over to the window, knowing I couldn't look him in the eye as I told him… bared my soul. The sea was calm, reflecting the descending sun, unlike my tempestuous emotions. But when I spoke my voice was calm.

"I wasn't ill this week Zayn… I… I… I tried to…. I… I tried to kill myself on Sunday night." Silence was suddenly very loud. I could hear Zayn's breathing speed up, his quick surprised gasp. I daren't turn round, so I began to speak very quickly.

"It was a stupid thing to do… I know that, and I feel so guilty. I've upset everyone. I just… I just… but everyone's been great… Louis's been great." Still Zayn said nothing. I risked a quick glance over my shoulder. He had moved much closer to me, was maybe a couple of feet away. And I noticed he was nervously biting his bottom lip. I continued. "And Louis says I can still do the show."

"Niall… I don't really know what to say… but… Oh god Niall. You must have been so…" I risked another look, his eyes were wide and brown… full of compassion.

"Stupid?" I finished.

"No… desperate." I nodded.

"Is that why Liam's gone?"

I shook my head. Suddenly not knowing what to say again… I turned back to the window – it was easier.

But Zayn was by my side. "You can't do this to me Niall?"

I looked at him, puzzled. What had I done to him…? "What do you mean?"

"You can't tell me this and not tell me more… I need to know Niall… I need to know you're OK! That you won't try it again?"

"What does it matter to you?" The words slipped out before I could stop them, but I wasn't trying to be nasty. I just couldn't understand his concern.

"What does it matter to me? Fuck Niall, you're my friend. Of course it matters. Or at least I thought we were friends…" I looked at him. He was genuine, I could tell that. And despite everything, a warm glow began inside me. Zayn was my friend, although would he be in a few minutes when I told him the rest?

"Thank you Zayn…"

I felt an arm slip round me. "Ni, I am your friend. We might be rivals for this pop idol thing but … jesus, I hope we'll be friends for a long time…" So did I! But I doubted it. All the same, I leaned against him soaking up his warmth… even if it would only last the few seconds before he knew the truth about me.

His breath seemed to quicken, but he pulled me to him and held me there. "So, are you going to tell me Niall? Why you tried to take your life?" I nodded, then took a deep breath.

"Zee, Liam didn't leave because I tried suicide. I tried suicide - because Liam left…"

"I don't understand, Ni?" His voice was puzzled.

"He left me… I'm… gay Zee and Liam was my lover. And he left me, and I couldn't go on…" I felt Zayn tense at my words and I pulled away from him, not wanting to embarrass him. He was noticeably paler.

"I'm sorry Zayn… Maybe you should go…"

He was silent a few seconds, then he spoke. "Why should I want to go?"

"Because I just told you I was gay…"

"So?" His voice was a little forced, but he looked me in the eye and there was no revulsion. "Please Niall, go on…"

"OK… Me and Liam have been together since we were about sixteen…and… and we… well, the other night he told me he'd cheated on me and… and he left me… which was bad enough… but then his parents turned up. They've always hated me and blamed me… and they'd sold the story… how I'd corrupted their son… I couldn't handle it… it wasn't fair on my family… so… so I was stupid…"

"So he left you? The bastard left you after cheating on you… jesus Niall, what kind of guy did you fall in love with?"

"He's not a bastard… and he cheated because… because I was awful to him…" I smiled, despite everything. "He's the best guy ever… I don't deserve him."

"Really?" Zayn's voice was disbelieving…

"Yes… I wasn't there for him… I was too wrapped up in being famous…"

Zayn took a big sigh. "Niall, did you talk about pop idol with Liam before you entered?"

"Yes, of course…"

"And did he try to stop you then?"

"No…"

"Then he had no right to use it to hurt you now…"

"He didn't mean to hurt me!"

"Jesus Niall… he cheated on you and left you…"

"We fought… It was only because he was worried about me… My health…" I knew I was going to have to tell him everything.

"Why? You're not sick are you?" There was a note of concern in Zayn's voice.

"No… not anymore…" I went to my desk, looking for my photo album. I didn't have a lot of pictures of me from the time I was sick but there were a few when I was about three and a few of me and Liam, the summer I was in remission. Biting my lip I found the picture I was thinking of. It was me and Liam in my garden, the day after I'd got out of hospital. I was pale and thin with short cropped dark hair. I pushed it at Zayn.

Zayn stared at the picture. It was obvious he didn't recognise me at first. He looked up and then the truth dawned.

"Is…? Is that you Niall?"

"Yeah… I was seventeen, me and Liam were both seventeen…" He looked at the picture again… then at me…

"Zee, you knew I wasn't a natural blond…" I tried to joke.

"What was the matter?"

"Leukaemia. I'd had it when I was a little child and then it came back… Just like that!"

"Oh Jesus…" He looked up at me. "So how did you get from this…?" he gestured to the photo, "To almost being a pop idol…"

"It's a long story..."

"I've got all night." He went and sat on my bed. "So… I'd like to hear…" And suddenly it didn't seem hard anymore. Still clutching my photo album, my most precious memories I sat on the floor, and the words escaped. And guess what? It felt good…

 

 

I stretched and yawned… daylight peeking in through the curtains… I had slept well, my body felt sated with sleep… and then I remembered. It was the day! The interview. I was jolted out of the peaceful sleepy feeling by one of dread. Today I was going to tell the world I was gay… I felt myself begin to shake…

I was being stupid I reasoned with myself. I was going to talk to one man… it would be no worse than telling Zayn… or Lou the previous night and I had managed that… My mind wandered back a few hours.

I had no sooner finished telling Zayn than Lou arrived, cans of lager and a big grin. A grin which faded as I told him of my suicide attempt and the reasons behind it. When I had finished we sat, all three of us, in silence. I gazed at Lou, trying not to make my eyes pleading. I had always felt if anyone was able to accept my sexuality it would be Lou but he wasn't saying anything… Then he opened a can of lager.

"Why didn't you tell me Ni?"

"I was scared."

He nodded and then suddenly got up and wrapped his arms round me. "You poor little bugger you." I sighed with relief it was going to be OK, at least as far as my two friends were concerned. Although Zayn was very quiet and went home soon after I'd told Lou everything, claiming tiredness – which given our hectic schedules at the minute was probably true. He gave me a hug at the door.

"Niall… good luck tomorrow and if you need me… I'm here for you…"

"Thanks Zee…" but if that was true I thought then why did he look so… sad?

Lou was sprawled on my bed … fiddling with a key-chain.

"Lou… are you OK with me being gay?"

"Do you even have to ask Niall?"

"I don't know any more… god Lou… I'm so confused."

"Why?"

I shrugged… "Because I've lived with this secret so long… and now, well from Saturday everyone's going to know."

"It will be better for you in the long run Niall. No more hiding or living in fear."

"I know that but… but how will people react?"

Lou said nothing for a few seconds then took a deep breath. "If they really care about you, no differently."

He moved over to me and I felt his arms round me in a warm hug. I smiled. "Lou, honestly. Tell me… do you feel any differently towards me?"

He took another deep breath… "OK, being honest… not about you being gay – I don't give a fuck about that… but the fact you couldn't tell me the truth… that hurt a bit…"

I felt myself blush… I knew what he was saying.

  
"I'm sorry… I just didn't know how you'd react…and I was scared…"

"I know that Niall… but never be afraid to tell me anything….I'm here for you mate whatever."

He was so genuine I felt the tears building again… "Thank you LouLou…"

"No Niall, thank you. I wouldn't have made it this far at uni if it hadn't been for you…"

 

I gave him a puzzled look… "I don't get you Lou?"

"I'm the joker, always have been. But… seeing you so dead set on getting what you wanted. It made me more determined too. You've made me more … well I don't know how to say it but I believe in myself more… This isn't just about getting out of a going nowhere job like Toys R Us, it's about doing what I really want – performing. And it's partly thanks to you Ni… even before I knew what you'd gone through. And that makes me admire you more."

I felt the tears fall. "Lou."

"Ni… sshhh, it's going to be all right. Everything will be fine on Saturday because if one person dares to say anything bad they'll have to run it by me first…OK?" I buried my face in his chest unleashing all the pain and strain. I had a true friend in Lou. I wouldn't be alone.

 

And as I woke up and started to shake that morning I was going to tell the world, I remembered Lou's warmth and strength… It made me smile. But I was scared… more scared than I'd ever been. For the first time I was alone while I felt like this. No Liam. It was a horrible feeling and what scared me most was it might be something I would have to get used to for the rest of my life. Feeling my stomach churn I had to rush to the loo, but there was no gentle hand rubbing my back as I heaved my guts up.

"Niall, you OK in there?" It was Lily. As soon as I could speak I reassured her. Or thought I had. As the dry heaves hit me again there was a hand rubbing my back. OK, it wasn't Liam, but at that moment all that mattered was it was someone.

"Oh lad…" her voice was kind. "Niall love, you don't have to go through with this you know!"

"I do Lily. I have to… I owe it to Louis and my family… and Liam."

"And yourself Niall… you have the right to live your life without having to hide behind a lie…"

I nodded and accepted the glass of water Lily offered me, then I wiped my mouth and straightened up resolutely.

"The lies end today Lily…" whether my future would end too I didn't know. But all that mattered now was getting through the next few hours.

"What you wearing Niall?"

"I haven't even thought"

"Louis said they'd be doing a photo shoot…"

"I know, but it's not a teen magazine thing…"

"Even so, you don't want to look like something the cat dragged in. I've ironed those nice jeans of yours that you brought back from that last photo shoot."

I had to smile at that. They were D&G. Louis had arranged for us all to be given designer clothes. Still I did like them, they were snug and comfy and I'd probably never own another pair – not after Saturday. There I was again, being defeatist. With a big sigh I went for my shower.

I waited downstairs for the taxi Louis said he would order. My hair was smooth and straight for once, and Lily had ironed a nice beige shirt. I stood there, trying to over come the urge to vomit again.

There was the beep of a horn and Lily gave me a quick hug. "I'll be praying for you, love… Now tell the truth, and it will be OK."  
  
Wishing I had her faith I kissed her cheek and ran outside.

 

 

I was surprised. Louis was parked outside in his BMW, he gave me a smile and gestured towards the passenger seat. I sat next to him

"I didn't think… I thought you'd send me a taxi."

"Figured you could use a bit of moral support."

"Thank you."

"No problem Niall. So, how are you feeling?" He chatted easily as he negotiated the busy Dublin morning traffic.

"Scared."

"I bet, but you always give your best performance when you're scared. I've watched you enough." He gave me a quick smile "You thrown up?" I nodded.

"Good – wouldn't want you being sick in my car." He grinned. "Seriously, it's going to be all right." I wish I had his faith.

 

Louis had arranged to do the interview at a posh hotel near St Stephen's Green. I was shaking as I stepped out of the car. A few people stared as I walked into the lobby and I knew they'd recognised me. Its amazing how quickly people do get to know you especially when you're on TV every Saturday night. Louis stood next to me.  
  
"Right then, Niall… the reporter is a Joe Mitchell. He's not your usual gutter press and he doesn't work for the paper in question – he's freelance. He won't try and make you say anymore than you want about anything and he won't try and trick you. I'm paying his wages. You Ok with that?"

I nodded.

"You are doing the right thing, Niall. It might not seem so now or on Saturday, but in time you'll realise this."

"I know."

A man walked towards us, Louis stepped forwards. "Hi Joe…"

"Hi Louis… Sorry I'm late, traffic was a bugger." He had a comforting accent, very similar to Louis's.

"It's OK Joe, this is Niall."

"Hi Niall." He shook my hand. "Nice to meet you, although I've seen you on the TV a fair few times lately." I nodded, my voice seemed to have deserted me, Louis was collecting a key from reception.  
  
"Right then Niall…the photographer's coming at two, but I'll ring the room before we come up. It's going to be OK…" He patted me comfortably on the arm. I nodded again, and followed Joe up the stairs.

The room was big and plush with a sofa and easy chairs. Joe nodded towards the sofa, and I sat down. "OK. Start where you want, we can piece it together later if it's a bit disjointed. Just take your time, Niall as there's no rush."

 

It was actually easier than I imagined, much easier. And it felt really good to let it out to someone whose opinion I didn't care about. Joe was probably the most non-judgmental person, but I supposed in his job he heard just about anything. Far more shocking things than a twenty year old Mullingar lad tell him he was gay. I actually didn't realise how relaxed I was until I stopped talking and found myself curled up on the sofa like I did at home. Blushing, I apologised.

"No need to Niall. I saw you were relaxing and it's a good interview. I think we've covered everything… Do you?"

I nodded and he rang room service for some tea, then he smiled at me. "Louis thinks a lot of you, you know Niall?"

"He's been very good to me…"

"He was very specific how he wanted this interview to go, that he wanted it as easy as possible for you…"

"I thought he'd just wash his hands of me when he found out."

"He told me he has big hopes for you."

I shivered… if only it was true. I had opened my heart and bared my soul in the past hour and it hadn't been that hard. I wasn't stupid… After this was published I was going to be asked about my sexuality in just about everything I did. But I could do it. I took a deep breath, I had to do it. The knocking of room service on the door pulled me from my reverie.

 

Lily was waiting for me when I got back – as were a few fans. God, they were persistent. I spent a while with them even though all I wanted to do was go and sleep. I was getting to recognise a few of them now and able to talk to them, not just sign pictures and pose for pictures. It was quite relaxing. I wondered if they'd be there come Sunday morning.

"So how'd it go?"

"OK… better than I thought…"

"Were they nice to you?" Lily would have battered them if they hadn't been, I could just see it…

"Very nice."

"Good… so now we just have to wait…"

"No Lily. I have to wait, there's no use you getting worked up."

"Niall, get one thing straight now. We're in this together - whatever happens. Understand?"

I nodded. Lily could be very forceful at times. She smiled and ruffled my hair. "That's my boy… want some tea?"

I shook my head. I suddenly felt drained… The day had finally caught up with me, the week really. "I think I'll just go to bed now."

"OK love… I'll bring you a warm drink up."

I was going to argue… I had a kettle up there but I didn't – Lily just wanted to mother me, I knew that and at that moment I wanted mothering. Wished I was in Mullingar in mam's arms. But I had to see this through.

I lay in bed, eyes fixed on my noticeboard. The picture of me and Liam I hadn't been able to bring myself to take down. To make the split final. I wanted him back so much… His arms around me again… what had I done to deserve this?  
The door opened and Lily came in with a mug of hot chocolate… "You OK Niall?"

I shook my head. "Not really."

"Oh Niall, you did the right thing. You know that."

"I know… but… but I want Liam back…"

"Oh baby…" She pulled me close. "I don't know what to say…"

"There's nothing you can say. No one can make him come back. I just wished I knew why, why my life always has to be shit…"

Lily didn't say anything to that, just stroked my hair. It felt nice to let her comfort me. "If you and Liam are meant to be, it will come right. Niall, you have to believe that…"

"And if we're not…?"

"Then you'll fall in love with someone else…"

I shook my head. "I won't Lily, there'll never be anyone else…"

"Now, stop talking like that. You're not 21 yet. Loads of time…"

"I mean, there'll never be anyone else…"

Lily didn't have an answer to that, so she fussed round me a bit and made me drink the hot chocolate. I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. Whatever my state of mind sleep would come quickly that night, the end of the day that had set the biggest change of my life in motion.

 

 

 

The beeping of my phone woke me in the early hours, signalling a message had come through. Automatically I reached for it. Some small part of me hoping against hope that it would be from Liam. Although I knew it wouldn't be.

It was from Zayn. 'Hope 2day goes OK 4 U - am thinkng of U xZaynX'

It had been sent at ten that morning and got lost in the text world as messages often do. I smiled. It made me feel a bit better. I was worried deep down that Zayn hadn't accepted my sexuality and his lack of contact that day had done nothing to ease my fears. I liked Zayn and I needed all the friends I could get so the message helped a lot.

The clock on my phone said 3.45am. I didn't have to be up for hours. Louis was going to come round at eleven with the finished article and photos for my final approval. I could still change my mind. Louis had stressed that on the phone that evening. I wasn't pressured into any of this. Only after I gave my final approval was it out of my hands.

I bit my lip as I lay on my back looking at the ceiling. I was scared. Scared of my future and I couldn't see a way forward where I wouldn't be scared. I was scared of winning Pop Idol, scared of losing. Scared of people finding out I was gay, scared of living a lie and most of all I was scared of my future without Liam. I sighed deeply - I had certainly made a mess of my life so far. And I lost myself in happy memories.

It was when I had come out of Mullingar Regional after the bone marrow transplant. Just happy to be alive and with Liam. Because I had literally been a few hours from death when they had done the transplant. It had been a long hard fight back to health. The first few days I had only been allowed to see people through the observation window because my immune system was so low, but Liam had been there whenever I'd opened my eyes. To be honest he had been the only person to keep me going, because I felt so shit and frightened. Frightened I was going to die because for the first time I really had something to live for. I knew Liam was living at home with mam and dad, and would be waiting for me when I got out. And no one was going to separate us again. Like the last few days before the transplant, a lot of that time is blurry. At one point I was rejecting Bressie's marrow and the hospital advised mam and dad to get a priest as they didn't think I'd last the day (I only found that out later though) but they had faith - and I made it.

Then I was in a stupid plastic tent and people had to wear gowns and masks to see me. It frustrated the hell out of me. I wanted to feel Liam's arms around me. But I knew I had to be careful. I was still in danger. It was the best day ever when he could hug me close and kiss my hair. We were officially a couple, and no longer feared being separated..

And despite my weakness eventually I was released on a cold day at the beginning of Decemeber to start my life again. I had all sorts of plans. To repeat my last year of school in Dublin where Liam had been offered a place at Dublin Uni and to get a degree myself. We had the summer together to do nothing much and the rest of our lives together. Or so I thought.

Just goes to show you never know what's round the corner, and that it doesn't do to get too complacent. Had I taken Liam for granted? Maybe I had. I remembered a conversation I'd had with Bressie when I was recovering. It was the first time I'd seen Bressie on his own since the transplant..

"I don't know what to say, Bressie." I lay in bed and looked at him. The man who'd already done so much for me by instilling me with a love of music and the knowledge to express it.

"What about kid?"

"You doing this for me. Saving my life."

"Jesus. I wouldn't be much of a family member if I'd let you die would I?"

"But I'd caused so much pain. I'd turned my back on you all."

"Only because I know you couldn't see another way out of it all. I'm not stupid Ni."

"But.. but.."

"Niall, leave it kid. I wanted to save your life. I cried with relief when the tests matched then I prayed we'd find you and persuade you in time. You're kind of like my kid brother and I've always felt I had more in common with you than any of the others. But I felt I'd neglected you when I went to Derby. I took you for granted Niall. You'd nearly died as a kid, and I still thought you'd always be around. It was one hell of a reality check. And Niall. I'd do it all again. Now forget it. And get some sleep." I nodded and as he got up to leave held my arms out. He hugged me close. As he got to the doorway I called his name.

"What now kid?"

"Bressie. Thanks." The first time I'd said the words. He gave me a grin.

"Just go for your dreams now Ni, live the life you should have always been able to live."

 

Back at Lily's I smiled to myself sadly. Had I been like Bressie? Had I taken Liam for granted even though I'd almost lost him before? Well, maybe I would learn this time. Maybe it was too late for me and Liam, but I could still have one of my dreams. I could still be a star. But it would be a poor substitute for Liam's love.

I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I knew was the sunlight peeping through the curtains. I glanced at my watch - it was almost ten. I went to shower.

Louis was prompt at eleven. I was just helping Lily tidy up.

"Morning Niall. Sleep OK?"

"Yes thanks." I eyed the folder he had in his hands. I knew what it was. He followed my eyes.

"Want to read this?" My mouth was suddenly dry, so I nodded and took it with a shaking hand.

I looked at the pictures first, surprised I could look that calm. At Joe's suggestion they had taken some of me curled up in the sofa and they did look good. I looked... at peace with myself if that's possible. Then there were some on the balcony with me looking over St Stephen's Green, and finally some in the park itself. Then I fumbled through the papers for the interview.

It was as I'd said it, except much better phrased. There was no mention of Liam by name. Just the fact I'd fallen in love when I was 16 and only had the one relationship until it had recently broken up. That I wanted to stop 'lying' to people by omitting the truth, that I felt it wasn't fair. That also I'd made this decision at this time because I believed people would sooner or later find out, and I wanted them to find out from me. That I had the love and support of my family and friends. That I hoped it wouldn't change people's opinions of me. That they would still judge me on my talent and not my sexuality. And finally thanking Louis for his support. It was good, better than I deserved really. There was no mention of Liam's parents or my illness or my suicide attempt. If I had to come out, I couldn't do it any better.

"Is that OK Niall? Or do you want any changes?"

"No. It's fine. Better than I expected."

"So you'll give final approval?"

I nodded. He pulled out a couple of papers. "Then sign here, please."

"What am I signing?"

"This is an approval for me and Joe. That you accept it as what was said. That you're happy with the content. It also protects you because it states it can't be changed, or you have the legal right to prosecute. And this one is just giving the Irish Mirror rights to it."

I signed them and handed it all back to Louis. He gave me a gentle smile. "Right then. That's going to be in tomorrow's paper. Your parents know that, don't they?" I nodded.

"Feel up to doing some work?"

"Yeah." I didn't, but I didn't want to sit around brooding either.

"Good. Let's get to the TV studio's. The others are appearing on a kids TV show at teatime. You can still make it."

 

Zayn gave me a big smile when I walked into the green room but I saw something behind his eyes. Something I couldn't interpret. Drew and Maria just glared at me.

"Nice to have you here Niall. I understand you've not been too well this week?"

I shook my head. "I think it was just a bug."

"Not going to affect you tomorrow?"

"I hope not."

"You're actually #1 in our poll at the moment." I forced a smile, although I felt sick at the words. That would soon change.

It was all so shallow, we had to pretend to be friendly rivals when in fact it was two against two. I could feel the animosity between me and Drew. I'm surprised no one else could sense it. I didn't really hate the guy - I just wish he'd lay off me. And this was nothing to how it would be when my story broke.

I was first to the green room, trying to get my stuff and get away. The nerves about the following day were back with a vengeance but Drew was there. "Feeling better Niall?" His tone was mocking. I didn't meet his eyes.

"Yes thanks."

"What was it?"

I took a deep breath. "No idea. Some sort of bug I guess."

"Really?" His tone was now disbelieving. "Thought you'd chickened out."

"And why would I want to do that?"

"Because I'm going to wipe the floor with you maybe?"

"We'll have to see about that."

Zayn was suddenly there to my relief. "You OK Ni?"

"Yes. Just going."

"I've a taxi booked. Want to share?"

"If you don't mind." I moved past Drew. "Excuse me."

"See you tomorrow Niall. Get ready to lose."

His words were like a chilly premonition. I shivered. "Don't listen to him." Zayn was by my side. "It's going to be OK."

 

Outside in the cool air I felt better. I hadn't realised how worked up I was, breathing rapidly.

"Are you sure you're OK Niall?"

I shook my head. "I'm scared Zayn, so damned scared. And I feel so alone without Liam."

He bit his lip. "No one can replace Liam, but you're not alone. I'm here and so is Lou."

"I know." I gave him a smile. "And I'm really grateful."

"No probs Ni, want to go for a quick drink?"

I hesitated. I could use one and it would be nice to chat to Zayn. I felt comfortable with him. "Just a quick one then. I need to get some sleep."

Zayn picked a very quiet, traditional pub. We sat in a corner. "This must be a hell of a difficult time for you Niall."

"Difficult is not the word. Still I've had difficult times before."

"I bet. Does it bother you talking about it?"

"About what? My illness or being gay?"

"Both. Either."

"Not to people I trust. I should have trusted people before."

Zayn smiled. "You trust me now?"

I considered it. "Yeah. Although at times, I feel it might make you uncomfortable. Me being gay." I decided honesty was the best policy.

His eyes widened. "Oh god Niall, I hope not. It's not you being gay. I'm having a few relationship problems of my own and I guess your trouble with Liam made me realise it more. That's all."

"Oh. Sorry to hear about that."

"It's OK. We'll work through them - we always have done. So how did you handle being so ill and still keeping going."

"I don't know. I didn't want to die and leave Liam. He was the constant that kept me going."

"And he left you." Zayn pondered. "It's a cruel world."

"I don't blame Liam, you know. It can't have been easy living with me. He told me he left because he didn't want to hurt me any more and... and he was tired of always being strong. I guess five years of having to be the strong one must really screw you up." I took a long swallow of lager. "I never realised I was weak, but I must have been."

"No! You're not weak Niall!" Zayn's voice was decisive. "You could never have come this far if you were weak. You'd have never fought back."

"Maybe. But in the relationship I must have been weak."

Zayn smiled. "I doubt that very much. Maybe you just grew apart."

I shook my head. "I could never grow away from Liam. Without him I have no one. I'll never love again, Zayn."

"Of course you will. When the pain eases."

"I won't. Part of me died when Liam walked out."

Zayn seemed to be thinking. I felt he was about to say something, but he looked at his watch. "Come on. Let's grab a taxi. What are you singing tomorrow?"

"Brown eyed girl." He had effortlessly changed the conversation. I didn't know if I was glad or sorry.

"Build me up fucking buttercup." He rolled his eyes. We talked about songs on the journey home, but he got out first and he locked eyes with me. "Niall, you have a lot of love inside, it's obvious when you sing. Don't let this thing with Liam kill that love. Please."

I didn't get him, why was he bothered? "I can't help how I feel Zayn."

"I know. But.." He seemed to check himself. "Niall, when this is over we'll talk about this again, OK? Now go home."

I grinned at him. "You're the one who's still half in the taxi." He grinned back and bade me goodnight. All the way down to the docks I tried to make sense of what he'd said, but I couldn't. And I had more pressing things to think about. Like my life changing forever in a few hours.

 

Lily was waiting for me with her patent relaxation remedy. Hot milk, honey and loads of brandy. I was staggering from one mug. And I was fast asleep the minute I hit the pillow. I didn't dream. Just hoped the following day wouldn't be a nightmare. It could only go two ways!


	15. F-I-F-T-E-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Louis = Louis Walsh.  
> Lou = Louis Tomlinson.

I woke with a groan and a killer hangover if that's possible from two bottles of lager and one mug of 'Lily's potion'. My head was thumping but I was still sober enough to remember what day it was. I looked at the time. 9.30 AM. Jesus the paper had been on sale for hours. People would know. My secret was out.

Shaking I went over to the window. There were a couple of fans but it didn't look any different to how it usually did. Not a newspaper in sight. Groaning at the pain in my head I showered and dressed and went downstairs. Lily was frying breakfast. My stomach lurched.

"Morning son. How you feeling?"

"Hungover. What the hell was in that stuff?"

"About half a bottle of brandy from the looks of the bottle," Jack laughed.

"I feel as though I've been out with the lads all night."

"But I bet you slept."

"Oh yes."

Jack pushed the paper over to me. "I guess you want to see this." I wasn't headline news thank god, but there was a picture of me in the park, and the caption 'Pop Idol star's secret. Niall opens his heart to the Mirror p.5.'

I scrabbled through the pages. It was a double page spread, a nice picture of me on the sofa in the hotel and smaller pics of me on the balcony and performing in a previous weeks show. And the headline 'I'm gay! - heart throb's amazing confession!'

I scanned through it. It was exactly the article I'd read the previous day, apart from Joe had commented on meeting me. He'd said some really nice stuff. "Niall's an amazingly direct and honest young man who deserves to go far in the profession he's chosen. He's remarkably unaffected by the whole hype that the programme has generated and is more concerned about being honest to the vast army of fans than concerned with the damage this revelation may have on his future."

Louis had also said some really nice things about me being a pleasure to work with and very dedicated and also that the show in no way reflected the hours I put into the pop idol project. "If Niall gets voted out tonight it will be a great shame but it won't be the end of his career. Trust me on that."

I swallowed. I had done it. It was in front of me in black and white. I felt overwhelmed, then I saw the small print. 'The Mirror says.p.8.' This would be where they tore me apart. Physically shaking once more, I turned to page eight.

"Pop idol is the brain child of Louis Walsh. A sure fire success, a means of sharing the 'making' of a popstar with the Irish public. A stepping stone to short lived fame for at least one of the young people who have chosen to lay their lives before us. Get rich and famous quick is always going to have a high price. And young Niall Horan from Mullingar has, more than any other contestant, paid that price. He's had to reveal his sexuality, a secret known only to close family and friends since he was sixteen, to the world and with the knowledge that the one relationship he's had since that age has broken up because of the show. In any other country it wouldn't matter but this is catholic Ireland with its strong family values. It's almost a certainty that Niall's thrown away his chance of fame by his honest account of his sexuality, this country isnt ready for a gay person in such a role model position."

I gulped. This was it. What I'd been dreading all along.

"But this is wrong. Niall is the same talented boy he was last Saturday night. Nothing has changed apart from we know he's attracted to the same sex. He's the same boy who no one in the industry has a bad word to say about, who spends hours with his fans, who's amazing talent has put him at #1 in the votes for weeks running. If anything Niall Horan should be a role model because he's put being honest to the people who've put him where he is before his career, and what better example to today's young people is that? So he's gay. How many boys his age have had one relationship for almost five years...? We here at the Mirror will be watching and voting tonight. Voting for an exceptional young man who's trying to do the right thing against the age old tide of prejudice. And we hope everyone else will consider this before they vote against him, because of who he loves! Niall, we're right behind you!"

 

I couldn't help but smile. Whatever happened that night I had done the right thing and I was surprised at the paper's response. But would it help? Only time would tell. Then I wondered if Liam was reading it and the tears came. Suddenly and uncontrollably. Because if I'd been this honest in the beginning he might, no more than likely would, be here with me now. I had gained nothing by lying, and lost a great deal more.

Lily held me. "Now then Niall, it's a grand report."

"I know, but if only... If I'd done this to start with. I wouldn't have lost Liam. It's too late." She didn't answer. Just stroked my hair. What could she say? What could anyone say?

But I had to pull myself together. I had a show to do that night, so after allowing Lily to pet me a little, I pulled away. I was just on my way upstairs when my phone rang. It was mam. "You alright love?"

"Not really, but I have to be. Did-did you read the paper?"

"Yes. It was... very honest. Very true as well."

"Thanks."

"What kind of reaction has it got?"

"I don't know. Haven't stuck my nose out of the door, or turned the TV on. What about there?"

"Not much as far as I can tell. But Niall, lots of people knew the truth here a long time ago."

"I know."

"What time do we have to get there tonight?"

I was puzzled. "What for?"

"The show, silly!"

"You're coming?"

"Of course. You need all the support you can get, and me and your dad will be there in the audience. I don't suppose it's possible to get a ticket for Marielle too?"

"I'll ask Louis. Lily and Jack are coming and so's Lou."

"Good, so what time...?"

"About 6 PM."

"Want us to pick you up?"

"No, I have to be there about four. Rehearsals."

"OK, see you there. And Niall, I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks mam."

 

I felt a bit better after speaking to her, knowing I wouldn't be alone. The mobile rang again. It was Louis.

"How you doing kid?"

"Not too bad, all things considered."

"Good. So what's things like there?"

"A few fans outside as usual."

"Even better. The phone's been ringing like mad, media wanting to know if it's true and if you want to give an interview?"

I groaned.

"It's OK. I told them you'd said all you were saying for now. Although Johnny's going to have to mention it tonight. We don't want to appear to be sweeping it under the carpet."

"Think it will speak for itself when I get voted off."

"Don't be so bloody pessimistic Niall. Anyway, I'll send a car about 3.30 PM."

"Thanks."

"We can get through this, Niall. You just need the confidence, and you don't lack that. It's going to be OK."

Why didn't I think so?

 

I spent the day just playing my guitar, hearing new melodies and lyrics in my mind. Just being me. I didn't think I'd ever get used to just not having Liam there. Of course looking back on it, it was only one week since he'd left me. And the pain was still raw. The week had been so hectic that I hadn't really had much chance to think about the future without Liam, but times like this when I was sat down, it really hit me.

I could have asked Lily for a different room, one not full of memories, but I loved this room. I loved the view, the way the sea never failed to entrance and calm me. And I had so many happy memories here. Like my 18th birthday when, convinced I was going to die imminently, I'd persuaded Liam to make love to me for one last time. I remembered being showered in rose petals and watching the sunset. I had to stay here. Had to ride out the storm.

 

I glanced out of the window and saw the group of fans had grown and then realised with horror some were clutching copies of the Mirror. My heart sank. One or two of them were in animated conversation. Taking a deep breath I went downstairs.

 

Lily looked up. "What are you doing Niall?"

"Going to see the fans."

"Niall."

"Lily, they know! I can't avoid them forever. I don't want to avoid them forever. That's why I came out." I guess she knew from my face she wouldn't talk me out of it... but I bet she said a prayer as I walked out. As usual whenever I went out the chatter stopped, but this time the silence was tense, not full of anticipation. Close up, I could see some of the girls had been crying and I felt guilty as hell. I cleared my throat not knowing how to begin, but someone beat me to it.

"It's not true, is it Niall?"

I felt a lump come into my throat. This was perhaps the hardest moment of my life. I wanted so much at that moment to say 'No, of course it's not true', but I couldn't. And I remembered Gina's words in the hospital - about me being ashamed of my sexuality. This was the real test.

"Yes. It's true. I'm gay." I met their eyes or as many as I could manage. I heard the sighs and a couple of sobs. A couple of them walked away and I knew I'd lost them. But I knew it would happen - that not everyone would be understanding. An older woman stepped forward and I recognised her. I'd had photos with her kids a couple of times.

"I'm disgusted!" I felt like someone had thrown water over me. "I can't believe you lied to us."

"I didn't lie. I've never said I had a girlfriend."

"You never said you were into fucking lads either." I was surprised at her language.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it was my sex life people were voting on." I thought I sounded a bit smart arse, but I never intended it to...

"Well, I won't be voting again. It's a disgrace. Shouldn't be allowed. I pity your poor mother."

I didn't answer. What could I say? Whatever I said would be wrong. Then one of the girls stepped forward. It was a pretty brown haired girl who'd been hanging around almost from day one. She was about 18 and I'd always found her to be a bit 'in your face'. She wasn't shy and had pinched my arse more than once. I waited for her to lay into me too.

"Leave him alone, you sanctimonious old cow! His mother's proud of him and so she should be. He had the guts to be honest with us. Niall's done nothing wrong."

"It's immoral."

"So's a lot of things. Niall's not hurt anyone. If anything, he's the one who's been hurt. So he's gay. Big deal! It's the 21st century. Wise up or go home to your knitting. And let us real fans spend time with him. Not the ones who just want to say they met him to boast. Go on, get lost."

She was stood between me and the woman. I watched incredulously as the woman left with one murderous glance. Then the girl gave me a curious look.

"Are you alright, Niall?" and I realised I was shaking. Trying to get a grip I nodded.

"Thank you. For that."

"No problems. I'm Nic by the way." She held out her hand. It was surreal, I'd had countless pictures taken with her but it felt like th first meeting. I took her hand.

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"You being gay? I'm gutted, but I'll get over it. Besides, my boyfriend will be relieved. Might not complain so much about the time I spend here."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're still you. Still a great singer. Still got a fabulous arse in them jeans." I blushed.

"Even so... thanks."

I spent a little while with her and her friends. She was intelligent and really nice.and I began to relax.

"Well, I'm going in. I'm freezing." I was still in my T-shirt.

"Yeah, don't dare lose your voice. I want to see you win."

I gave her a sad smile. "Thanks anyway. Your support means a lot to me."

She grinned. "Niall. I think you're great, I've thought you were great from day one and you're so nice too. None of that's going to change just because you don't fancy girls. I want to see you win. We all do, don't we girls?"

There were a few cheers - I smiled and hugged Nic. "Niall, you can do it. Do it for us. And yourself."

"I'll try."

"Good, because you do realise, I'll still be out here win or lose."

"Then next time you'd better come in for a cup of tea."

For once she was lost for words, then she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Go for it."

 

I went in and Lily knew from my face it was OK, but I had a far worse ordeal yet to come. Seeing the others and the crew, appearing on live TV. There was no going back - but I was scared.  


 

 

 

The car horn sounded. I took a deep breath and looked at Lily.

"This is it then?"

"Niall, you'll be fine. It will be all right." I wish I had her faith. I swallowed and nodded. She continued, "we'll be there Niall, and your mam and dad and Lou. We're all here for you!"

"But not Liam. He won't be there!"

"Niall. Stop punishing yourself. You didn't think that coming out would bring him running, did you?" I shrugged - the thought had crossed my mind, but it hadn't been the reason for coming out.

"Niall. I know you can't forget Liam, I wouldn't want you to. But you have to put him to the back of your mind now, right this minute. You have to go out there, be yourself, unashamed and give it everything you've got. There'll be time to think about Liam later." She was right of course. Come to think of it, there were very few times when she was wrong. I nodded as the car hooted again.

"Now get yourself off son - see you soon." She gave me a quick kiss.

 

I was nervous as I got into the car. It was Andy, my usual driver. He was a laugh normally, but would he be different today? He had to know. I imagined it was big gossip. He gave me a grin.

"Hiya Niall. Always keep me waiting."

"I'm sorry." Nerves were churning my stomach

"Only kidding - there's far worse than you kid, and you have got plenty of time. So how you doing?"

"Want the truth?"

"Sure." He skilfully negotiated the afternoon traffic near the docks.

"Crapping myself. I nearly didn't go at all."

"Why the hell not? I thought you were hot favourite?"

"Were is the operative word."

"Oh, that shit in the papers."

"It's not shit Andy. It's the truth. I'm gay."

"So what? It's still shit if it makes any difference to the outcome of this show."

"Somehow I don't think the majority of people who are watching will think that!"

"Shouldn't make a difference!"

"You have a very enlightened view. You don't know what its like to be gay in Ireland!"

"Maybe not firsthand, but my brother's gay."

I shut up. I'd been looking for a fight to be honest and his directness had thrown me. "Really?"

"Really and truly. So I know it's not easy. Dad didn't speak to him for years. He wasn't happy with me for speaking to him."

I lowered my eyes. I was so lucky really. My parents had accepted it so well and it can't have been easy. But they were proud of me.

"Niall, you can win this. Don't let anyone stop you because of their prejudices. OK?"

We were at the studios. I could see the press and fans round the gate. Normally I stopped - what the fuck did I do? Andy knew my usual routine. "What's it to be Niall?"

"We got time to stop for five?"

"We can make time. You want to do it though?"

"Not really. But can you?"

He grinned at me. "You're the star, you give the orders."

 

I could see the look of surprise on people's faces, including the press as I opened the car door.

"Niall, so you're gay? Anything you want to say?"

I gave the man a look. "I think I've said it all somehow." To my surprise the fans laughed and I turned to them, expecting abuse. OK, so a few of them were turning away, but the majority were taking photos as usual and waving scraps of paper. Hoping they didn't see how much I was shaking I approached the fence.

"Hiya." I smiled at the little girl, signing her magazine. She was about eight or nine. Her mother smiled at me.

"We've been waiting since this morning. Didn't know what time you'd get here. We wanted to tell you we're voting for you tonight."

I looked into her eyes. "Thanks. That really means a lot."

"I expect it does. I really admire you for your honesty. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather Lucy have as her hero."

I felt a lump in my throat. "I'm not a hero."

"Next best thing Niall. Heroes come in all forms."

I remembered her words as I had to get back into the car and go on into the studios. Maybe life wasn't all bad.

 

It was far worse walking into the studios. I felt staff looking at me and though nothing was said I could feel they were dying to talk about me. I was looking round for Louis or Zayn - any friendly face but as luck would have it the only person in the dressing room was Drew. He turned as I walked in, and looked me up and down. His face twisted into a cruel smile.

"Look what the cat's dragged in? I didn't think you'd have the guts to turn up Horan!"

I took a deep breath and went to my locker. "Why not? There's a show to win!"

He laughed. "And a gay bender's not going to win it! You're wasting your time!"

I bit my lip. He was saying the words I believed deep down, but I couldn't let him see that. "I don't think my sexuality has anything to do with it. My voice is what's important."

He laughed again. "So you're naïve as well as stupid? I never thought a lot of you, but actually coming out 3 weeks before the final is the dumbest thing possible."

"Maybe I don't think so."

"Like I said, stupid and naïve. You need to wise up Niall. Give up your ideals and face facts. Nothing's won fair and square these days. You stood a chance. You have an OK voice, and the little girls seemed to like you... which you have now blown."

"Maybe I'd rather be truthful with them?"

He laughed again. "You'll go out tonight Niall, and whatever Louis's promised you... well forget it. No one's going to support a gay pop star. Career is over Niall. And you know what?"

"What?" I just wanted him to shut up. I was sick of him and he was very near my perception of the truth.

"You have got this show so much publicity. Viewing figures will be sky high tonight. I bet Louis's rubbing his hands with glee. I bet he didn't try and talk you out of outing yourself did he?"

I froze. He continued. "In fact, I bet he let you think it was the best thing to do. He gets exposure for his show, and when he signs you you'll sink without trace. The best part is - he won't even have to invest much in you! Naïve isn't the word. Try dumb Niall." I felt a chill go through me. I had never thought of it like that, but it was probably true. Louis had been very keen for me to come out.

Drew must have known he'd struck home. He grinned at me as he walked past. "And now if you'll excuse me, I don't want people to talk. Me and you alone in the dressing room. In fact, I think I'll see if there's a free room anywhere. I have my career to think about." He walked out and the tears I was battling so hard welled in my eyes. I had been a fool.

 

I don't know how long I stood there, fighting the tears, fighting the need to run away from the studios, away from Pop Idol and into mam's arms, but a voice made me jump.

"Hi Ni. How you doing?" It was Zayn.. I tried to gulp back the tears.

"Oh. OK, I guess."

"Niall, what's the matter?" He'd heard the tears in my voice, been bloody hard to miss them I guess. And he was there, arm nervously round my shoulder.

"Everything!"

"It's been bad huh?"

That was it. It hadn't really. Certainly no worse than I'd expected. OK, some people hadn't accepted it but I'd known they wouldn't. And it hadn't really bothered me. I had been comfortable with the knowledge that I had some public support left. But Drew's words had thrown me. Not the insults - I had expected them... but about Louis. I thought a lot of Louis and the thought of him using me like that had never crossed my mind. But of course it made sense. Perfect sense!

"Zee, do you think Louis wanted this... for publicity?"

"What the fuck gave you that idea?"

I shrugged. "It is publicity though, isn't it? And what did he say that week. 'All news is good news'. Do you think he's using me?"

Zayn bit his lip. "I never thought that Niall, who suggested it to you?"

I had to tell him. "Drew."

He gave a sarcastic snort. "That explains it. Has he been having a go at you?"

"No more than I expected."

"Niall, ignore him - he's a twat and you're the only person that stands between him and this prize. I don't know if Louis is using you, but he always seems straightforward. You ought to ask him."

"I can't do that. It would get Drew in bother!"

"Which he deserves. Look Niall, all you can do is prove everyone wrong. Go and wash your face and get ready to rehearse and knock 'em dead!"

His arm was still round my shoulder and he gave me a gentle squeeze. "I'm here Niall, and I'll kill him before I let him hurt you. Now go and get cleaned up." I nodded. I had to go through with it now.

 

As luck would have it I didn't see Louis - he wasn't coming in till later. It was Simon's turn to watch us rehearse. I did my best. Conscious of the fact that my throat still didn't feel right. But it must have sounded OK because he seemed satisfied with us all - pleased is not a word in Simon Cowell's vocabulary.

"OK guys and girl. Go and rest up, get something to eat. Louis will be around before you go on air. Niall. I'd like a word with you in my office please." I had known that was coming too. I had been tempted to ring him all week. I knew Louis would have told him, but I felt I should have told him myself... but I couldn't face it. I followed him dejectedly.

"OK kid." He motioned to a chair and put his feet up on the desk. "What exactly happened this week?"

"Louis didn't tell you?"

"The barest bones of the skeleton. I got a call from him Monday night saying you were in hospital and there were some problems. You're his protégé so I left it to him. Then he calls me and tells me there's going to be some story that you're homosexual. I figured he knew what he was doing, so I let him deal with it. But I would like to know what the hell's happening?" He didn't sound mad. Just matter of fact.

"I'm gay Simon."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I know. It's all over the papers." He held up his hand to stop me.

"Niall. If we're going to be, forgive the pun, straight with each other I've got to tell you. I've known since the day you walked into this show, or at least I've known you weren't 100% heterosexual." My mouth fell open, he laughed.

"Was it that obvious?"

"Not a bit, but Niall... Lots of my friends are gay or bi. Call it instinct."

"But you never said a word?"

"None of my business.. I hoped you'd have the guts to be honest at some point but I know lots of stars - big stars at that who aren't, so I left it. I want to know why you suddenly felt you had to come out. Not that it's a problem!"

I took a deep breath. "My boyfriend left me. I did something stupid. I tried to kill myself." His eyes widened at that. "I thought I'd messed everything up, his parents were threatening to sell the story anyway. It was the only way."

"Jesus. I knew you were sensitive but... you OK now?"

It was a roughly asked question but he obviously meant it. I gave a grin. "Yeah. I shan't try it again."

"Good. Because it's not the answer, and it would be a criminal waste of talent. What about the boyfriend?"

"What about him? He can't handle this."

"You were with him 5 years? You must love him?"

"I do. He's been everything to me. More than people could guess."

"Parents must be bastards then?"

"Oh yes, they hate me. They haven't spoken to him since he was eighteen. It's all my fault."

"Sounds like a long story which I would love to hear sometime Niall but... you need to get something to eat, and ask for some honey for that throat."

I nodded and stood up. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"Not having a go."

"Niall. I'm A&R. I leave the people stuff to Louis. But you've got talent. I don't go for that 'sweet and innocent' popstar bit but I feel there's a hell of a lot more to you. I want to see you make it. Now go on. I have to get my nasty head on for tonight and you're ruining the atmosphere." He winked at me. I went to the dressing room. Not long to go now.

 

 

 

My knees were knocking as I waited backstage, praying. I was wearing some new Calvin Klein jeans and a denim jacket the stylist had found. They'd managed to get my hair dead straight for once. It has a very noticeable curl in it, and it was collar length and shining blond with my standard darker roots. I felt as though I looked OK, but would that matter? I heard Johnny's voice.

"Thanks Maria. Hot performance. And now it's time for the favourite in the viewer's polls. Mullingar's own star, Niall Horan singing 'Brown eyed girl'."

I don't remember singing that night - at all! But the applause was loud then I saw Johnny walking towards me. "That sounded great Niall. I hear you've not been too well this week. Throat problems."

I nodded. "Well I couldn't tell there. And of course, you've been headline news this morning. That was a very courageous admission to make!" I could feel myself blush and hoped all that colour corrective gunk the makeup artists used was working! "What made you admit you're gay?" I knew he would be direct, he'd told me he thought it was the best way and he was surprising easy to answer because it was so different to telling a reporter. This was live TV all over Ireland.

"A few things. One being I've never felt comfortable living a lie. It's not fair on the fans, and I know there'll always be someone willing to try and cash in on it. I just felt it was best to get it over with now. So if it's going to make a difference to how people see me, I know now."

"Yes. A very brave move. And I hope it doesn't affect people's perception of your amazing talent." He shook my hand and turned to the camera. "Niall Horan, ladies and gentlemen! And if you want to vote for him the number you need is on the screen." I flopped into my seat in the green room, legs like jelly. Drew was there, he'd yet to go on. He gave me a dirty look.

"Enjoy your last performance Horan?"

I didn't have the energy to answer.. I walked past him. "Just grow up!"

"We'll see." He had to go. I would prefer the solitude.

I wasn't alone for long as Zayn strolled in. "You were great Ni. Fantastic!"

"Was I?"

"You haven't watched the recording yet?"

"No."

He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the little room where we could watch a tape of the performance. Zayn was right. I sounded really good. The slight huskiness of my sore throat suited the song and I certainly didn't look as if I was shitting myself. I hadn't gone red when Johnny had interviewed me either.

"So what do you think Zee?"

"I think it will be OK Ni. I think I'd be on my way out though."

"Don't say that."

"It's been fun. That's all that mattered. Jesus, I didn't expect to get this far." I bit my lip. I didn't think I could do another week with Drew and Maria and no friendly face. But I wouldn't get through this week, so it didn't matter.

 

Stood backstage waiting for the votes was hell. As usual they announced the ones who would stay in reverse order. Nicky was called on stage - which meant he had got second to least votes. He looked very surprised and I guessed he'd been telling the truth when he'd said he thought he wasn't going to get through. I was holding my breath.

"And second choice of our viewers tonight." It was Drew. He didn't look too happy. I wasn't either. I didn't think Maria was good enough to have won the heat, but that was obviously what had happened - the short skirts had paid off!

"And top of the viewers choice tonight is... Niall Horan!"

I froze. Then felt Louis giving me a gentle push. "You're through Niall, and for god's sake.. don't blubber." I ran onto the stage, trying to see where mam and dad were in the audience. Trying to hold back the tears. Johnny was smiling.

"Well done Niall. Getting a regular occurrence this is?"

I laughed. "I never expected it tonight. Thank you everyone so much for voting."

"Well from the expression on your face, it's worth it. Will you sing again?" I nodded. I really felt like singing.

 

It wasn't so great walking into the green room after. Drew was comforting Maria. I didn't know what to say. Anyone else I'd have shook their hand, but I felt so awkward. Drew glared at me.

"Happy now? That was a fix if ever there was one!"

"No, it wasn't." Zayn was there.

"For fuck's sake, does he always need you to fight his fucking battles? Or maybe you're shagging him."

I got between them just in time, as Zayn lost his temper big time.

"He's a mate, but a fucking arsehole like you wouldn't know what that means."

"Stop it. Please."

Drew looked at me. "Anyway, you may have won this one but it's not over yet. And you've got a big downfall coming. Mate!" He had a nasty smile on his face as he said it, and I didn't like the implication. But he just walked out with Maria. Louis came in before I could talk to Zayn about his dramatic reaction to Drew's words. I hoped Drew hadn't made it awkward between us. I still felt my sexuality could affect my friendship with Zayn, and that was the last thing I wanted.

Louis hugged me. "Well done Niall. I wondered if you'd have the guts to do it.."

"Louis." I had to ask. "Did you want me to come out for publicity reasons?"

He looked at me. "No way, Niall. I won't deny it has done viewing figures a big favour but you were the one I was thinking of. And I was right, wasn't I?"

"Yes. But it was a big gamble."

"In this business nothing's a certainty Niall. Anyway. Go out and celebrate. Take tomorrow off, go to Mullingar or something and I want to see you on Monday." He saw my anxious expression. "It's nothing to worry about. I've got your payment cheque for the article. You need to sign for it!"

"Payment?" It had never crossed my mind that I would be paid for it.

"Yes you idiot. I got you the best deal I could. I didn't mention it as you were so nervous, and then it slipped my mind. It came today. £30,000!"

The room spun. I couldn't imagine so much money. Louis steadied me. "God, what will you be like when you really make money? Now go out and spend it!"

I went to meet mam and the rest. My mind reeling - just how had my life got so unreal?

 

I went home to Mullingar that night. Lily thought I should. Get things into perspective. Dad offered to drive me back Monday morning so I could make my appointment with Louis in the afternoon. I was wary about going home. I was coming to terms with the memories of Liam in Dublin - there would be a fresh set of memories in Mullingar. But it was my home, and I had to face them.

It was strange lying in bed in my little room without Liam. I felt lost, as though I didn't belong. Dublin had been the place where we had first lived together, but Mullingar was where we had first met. Every street had a memory. It was going to be hard.

 

I didn't know what to do about the cheque. £30,000 would save me a lot of worries. I would find it hard to pay for the room in Dublin without Liam, and though Lily would never hassle me, I didn't want to sponge off of her. Louis had kept saying money wouldn't be an issue in a few weeks... but that was then, this was now. I didn't want money for talking about my sexuality. It felt dirty. I would have told the world for nothing, but how could I explain that? And mam and dad weren't rich, not by a long shot. I couldn't just throw it away.

 

Of course, as usual, they understood. Mam took my hand. "You know what Niall? Mullingar Regional could use the money. They're fundraising for a Children's Leukaemia Unit."

I looked her in the eye. The hospital had saved my life - twice! "Would you mind if I gave it them?"

"No. It's your money, love."

"But.. you could pay for the house, send Marielle to university. It's so selfish to deny you the chance."

"Niall. We can afford the house, we've always done the best for our kids and for our family. And... and that hospital gave you, my son, life twice. I wouldn't have you if it wasn't for them. I think that's worth far more than £30,000 - because you are priceless Niall!"

I felt the tears again, she hugged me close. "I was so proud of you yesterday Niall. So very proud." I let her hold me a little longer. It felt good - as though I was finally home.

 

My cousin Fiona called round that afternoon. "Hiya Ni. Auntie Maura said you were here, well done." Harry Styles was with her, turned out they were dating. He hugged me. "You're looking good Niall!"

"Thanks. So are you!"

"How's things?"

"Hell really, without Liam."

"I can't believe he left you. He loves you so much!"

"Obviously not enough."

"You don't believe that. Ni. I saw him that day. That day he found out you'd refused the transplant because his parents wouldn't let you see him. He was broken. You're his world."

"Things change, I suppose."

Harry shook his head. "You're meant to be together, Niall. Just wait and see." I shrugged. I'd like to believe it, but...

 

Louis looked at me in shock when I told him I was giving the money to Mullingar Regional hospital. "Niall. It's thirty grand!"

"I know and I'd feel dirty taking it. Besides, they saved my life Louis. Twice. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them."

He shook his head. "OK. I'll arrange it. What do you want me to tell them?"

"Nothing. I want it to stay anonymous."

He nodded. "You sure are hard work to understand Niall Horan." But he was laughing.

 

I went back to Lily's. It was throwing it down with rain, so I wasn't expecting anyone to be waiting for me.. but Nic was stood there under a pink umbrella. "Hiya Niall."

"Jesus Nic. You'll catch pneumonia."

"I wanted to say congratulations. And give you this." It was a cute fluffy bear. 'Someone special'.

"You could have waited for better weather.."

"Nah. Nothing better to do. Anyway, your landlady invited me in."

"So, why are you out here?"

"Didn't want to push it. It's your space."

"For gods sake." We were both getting soaked. I paid the taxi driver. "Come on in for that cup of tea."

"You certain?"

"Yes."

 

Lily smiled as I brought Nic in and introduced her. Her confidence seemed to evaporate. "What's up Nic? Cat got your tongue?"

"This is so surreal. I've liked you since that first show and I'm sat here chatting in your kitchen."

I laughed. "I'm only normal. Anyway, let's talk about you."

 

We actually talked a long time. I took her into the other room and played the piano for her. I was taking a risk - she was a fan - it could have ended up over the net or the papers or both, but I felt she wouldn't. I felt her feelings went deeper. She was an English student, but loved the music world and in her own words was a 'Karaoke queen'. I made her sing for me. She had a good voice. "You should have entered Pop Idol."

"No way! I could never go through that! I bet its scary!"

"Terrifying actually. All that waiting.."

"What are the others like?"

"Zayn's great. A real laugh. No comment on Drew!"

"He's an arse isn't he?"

I laughed, then turned serious. "So how come you didn't lose interest when you knew I'd never sleep with you?"

"NIALL! What kind of a question is that?"

"OK, when you knew I wasn't into girls."

"I still liked you, you're cute. And I never really thought I'd sleep with you anyway. And I admire you so much for being honest."

I didn't know what to say. She smiled. "I should be off. I've intruded far too long."

"No please. I enjoy talking to you." And I did, because since Liam had gone it got very lonely. Sometimes - no, most of the time, I missed his friendship more than the sex.

"OK, but only if you play me a song. Something you've wrote." I thought and played her 'Learn to fly'.

"That's fantastic, Niall. I love it. Will it be a single?"

"Shit Nic. I haven't even got a recording contract yet."

"But you will. You'll get everything. The #1 singles, the platinum albums, the fan club, the tour." I laughed.

"It's true. There's loads of internet sites already. Full of crap really.. Why haven't you got an official site?"

I shrugged. "I was going to build you a site, but I didn't know what you'd think."

"Go ahead." I gave her a grin. "It's officially approved."

"You mean it?" She was excited.

"Yeah. Give me your number. I'll give you up to date news."

"Oh wow. Thank you Niall." She hugged me. I hugged her back.

"No, thank you Nic. I needed a friend."

"But.. but I'm a fan."

"So, you don't want to be my friend then?" I teased.

"I'd love it. I'd never tell anyone."

"I trust you." I picked up her phone and added my number. She kissed my cheek.

"But Niall.. you ever decide you're not gay. I want to be your first girl, OK?" She was partly joking. we both laughed.

 

 

 

I yawned and stretched. The sun was shining through the window and I had slept well. It was amazing how life went on. Once I would have been certain that my life would stop without Liam. Of course having Pop Idol and all that hype helped to distract me. But then again Pop Idol had been the reason me and Liam had split in the first place. I had to stop punishing myself - maybe we would have split one day anyway - maybe we had been too young when we got together, maybe my illness had made us closer. There were a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once.

I got up and looked at my diary. I had a photo shoot for a women's magazine that afternoon. I was getting to like photoshoots. I loved the clothes - it was lovely to get to wear all these designer outfits and often the stylists gave me stuff. I went and showered. I was hungry. Lily's bacon and eggs were great.

I combed my hair and looked at my reflection. Louis had been making 'hair needs cutting Niall' remarks. I loved it the length it was, it was a bugger to keep straight and when I sweated whilst performing it would kink and curl really badly at the back of my neck, but I hated my hair short. I sensed an argument. I already had an idea of the kind of artist I wanted to be, and that wasn't a record company puppet. But Louis had experience and I wasn't in a position to call the shots. I would have to be cunning.

 

I bounced down the 4 flights of stairs and into the kitchen. Jack and Lily were looking preoccupied. "Sorry I'm late."

"It's OK Niall. I've not made breakfast yet." Her voice sounded different.

"What's up?"

Jack looked at me. "You'd better sit down, son."

My mind whirled. Something had happened. My family. Or god forbid Liam. "What's happened?"

Jack said nothing till I was sat down and then he pushed the paper over to me. "Front page Niall."

 

The headlines hit me 'POP IDOL STAR'S DRAMATIC SUICIDE ATTEMPT!'

There was a picture of me on stage on Saturday night. At first I was relieved that nothing had happened to anyone close to me, or that Liam hadn't been revealed as my lover or even that my illness had been discovered. But then I started to tremble. I hadn't wanted people to know about this. Who had told the press?

"Thousands of Irish people watched Niall Horan as he edged that bit closer to Pop Idol stardom on Saturday night. The 20 year old from Mullingar was battling the backlash of that morning's revelations of his sexuality. A move he claimed to be relaxed about revealing. But the Star can reveal exclusively that Niall's revelations only came about after long struggles with himself and a failed suicide bid. The young singer was in hospital the Monday before the show and though details are sketchy, a source close to the star admitted the young blond had tried to take his own life. This fits with Niall's absence at Pop Idol promotion this past week although he and Louis Walsh claimed he was 'sick'. Niall wasn't available for comment last night."

 

"No one even asked me to comment!"

"Any ideas where this has come from Niall?"

I shook my head. "Few people knew. Apart from family and Louis. Zayn, Lou and I told Simon. That's it!"

"None of them would have?"

"No." I was trying to shake doubts of Simon as the piece only covered what I'd told him - no great detail. But he wouldn't have.  
"What do I do now?"

"Ring Louis."

 

Louis was calm and matter of fact. "No point worrying about it. Get your breakfast and get to this shoot. If anyone asks, you say no comment."

"But how did they find out?"

"Someone must have overheard you telling someone."

"I doubt that. I told Lou and Zayn in my own room."

"Simon then. The studios are full of people after a quick buck. It will die down. Now don't be late for this afternoon."

I picked at my bacon. All appetite gone. My phone beeped with a message. It was Nic. 'Hi Ni just checking u r OK? Take no notice of papers, if it's true u hd gd reason. U no where I am if u need 2 talk! Luv Nic xxx'

I smiled. She was so matter of fact. I replied to the message. 'Nic, it's Ni! Yes it's true, long story will tell u sumtime. Thanx 4 being there. Spk soon luv Ni'

 

"I'd better go. Photo shoot."

"OK. And Niall. If they give you more clothes, make sure they're not dry clean only!" I had to laugh. Lily would always keep my feet on the ground.

 

They actually gave me some nice designer T shirts and a pair of combats. Louis turned up and started on about the length of my hair. "You look like an outcast from a rock group!"

"So? I like it!"

"Niall, pop idols don't have their hair long enough to be tied back."

"Oh good, is it nearly long enough then?" Louis shook his head. It was getting too late. He had to give in. It was being filmed for a clip for the evening's show too. Louis was waiting for me as I left.

"I don't want a haircut Louis."

"It's not about your hair. Come and have something to eat with me. I want to talk."

I was starving and I knew Louis wouldn't mean McDonalds. "OK."

 

We sat down in a smart restaurant. "Order what you like Niall." I was starving. I ordered steak and chips. He gave me a smile.

"So Niall. Not long now."

"I didn't think I'd make it this far."

"I did. And that's without all the drama. I wanted to tell you if anyone asks you about the suicide attempt to be honest about it. I know it's hard, but it's for the best."

"Any ideas who leaked it?"

"No. It wasn't Simon, Niall."

"I didn't really think it was. I didn't want to have to talk about it, Louis."

"I know, but there was always a danger. I'll be happier when you have no skeletons in your closet." I knew he meant my illness. I could see where he was coming from, though I didn't want to talk about it really.

"I also want to start drawing up your contract in the next couple of weeks . Before you get too expensive for me."

I laughed. `"Sounds good. But if I don't win?"

"Doesn't matter. I always knew I would sign you. Me and Simon have people working on songs for you at this minute, though I want you to have input too."

"Good, because I'd like to sing my own songs."

"I told Simon that - he's all for it! We're going to have to set you a fan club up. And a website."

"Funny you should mention that." I told him about Nic. He actually seemed interested.

"Can you trust her?"

"I think so."

"Bring her to my office. We could pay her for this. The best fan clubs are managed by the fans - not business graduates."

Nic would be so made up. I was smiling as I imagined her face.  
  
"Niall, back to business please. What do you intend to sing next week?"

"Haven't given it any thought yet."

"It has to be good. Nothing cheesy, OK?" I nodded. "And I'm doing loads of promo with all three of you this week. It's going to be really busy. So no partying."

"I don't think it's me you should be saying that to!"

"True. You're my best boy when it comes to behaviour. Now, do you want dessert?"

"Yes please. Chocolate ice cream sundae." Louis shook his head and laughed.

 

That week was hectic. I was knackered every night. I had taken a shaking Nic to meet Louis and she was now going to run my official web site and fan club. Me! With an official website and fan club. Jesus. Things were happening too fast, way too fast.

I came home on the Thursday. Shattered from the non-stop promotion. I picked up my mail. The fan mail was increasing daily. It would be a real handful when Nic got the PO Box and was dealing with it. I flipped through the letters. I was normally good about answering them, but I was exhausted. I wanted a shower and then bed. I froze as I saw the writing on one of the envelopes. It was familiar. It was Liam's!

I had to sit down where I was, on the landing after the second flight of steps. With shaking hands I opened it and pulled out a single sheet of paper.

 

_'My dear Niall._

_I was going to stay strong. Not write. But I read the paper yesterday, and my heart broke. I know you haven't confirmed it as the truth - but I know you Niall. I know how much I hurt you that day, and I'm so very, very sorry. I never intended to cause you that pain - I left so I wouldn't cause you anymore. Thank god it didn't work, and you're still here. Sharing your wonderful gift and making people happy. I watch you every week. I've got my fingers crossed._

_You're a very special person Niall. No one knows that as much as me. I miss you so much, but however much we were meant to be together I wasn't meant to get in the way of your destiny. It doesn't mean I don't still love you, I think of you everyday. I hope part of you can forgive me. God keep you safe, baby._

_Love always, Liam. Xxx'_

I sat there and the tears I held back daily broke free. I sat and sobbed. I don't know for how long until one of the B&B guests must have told Lily I was blubbering on the stairs. She arrived quickly.

"Now then Niall. What's wrong?"

"I.. I had a letter from Liam."

"Oh my lord. What's he say?"

Wordlessly I handed it to her. She read it quickly and then pulled me to her. "Oh Niall." I buried my face in her warmth and bawled like a baby. Because I knew that letter was a final sign it was over. If Liam had intended for us to get back together, he'd have come. This was it. Over. Finished. And I guess from how Lily was holding me and stroking my hair, she knew that too!

 

I was very subdued as I made my way to the TV studios the following day. We were doing a TV special. The last thing I felt like doing. I was so very down since Liam's letter. I guessed I'd hoped he ride up on a white horse. It was never going to happen now. He was out of my life.

"You OK Niall?" Zayn sounded anxious. I shrugged. I wanted to tell him, but Drew was too near. He had a big smirk on his face.

"What's up Horan? Not in the papers for once?"

I turned my back on him. But when he went to the canteen an idea hit me. "Zayn. You know when I was in with Simon last Saturday?"

"Uh-huh."

"Was Drew in the Green Room with you?"

He thought a minute. "No. He made an excuse that he was going to the canteen."

"But.. the canteen wasn't open at that time, was it? We were there early to rehearse."

I looked at Zayn. Light was beginning to dawn. "You think he followed you and Simon? Listened to what you told him?"

"It's possible. That paper only said what I'd told Simon, and I didn't go into any details."

"The slimy bastard. I'll kill him."

"No, I will." I could feel my anger rising. I have quite a temper but being ill had taught me to keep it under control - until now. Drew was in the canteen, chatting up the cashier.

 

"I need a word."

"I've nothing to say to you Horan.'

"I think you have. You had enough to say to the Daily Star!"

"You're not making any sense." But I'd seen the quick flash of fear across his face and I knew I was right.

"You followed me when I went to Simon's office and you eavesdropped. Then you sold it to the Star."

"Rubbish. Prove it!"

"If I go to the Star.. I'm sure they'd love this. What you'll stoop to to win this contest. I bet they'd tell Louis."

"Niall.."

"Oh, it's Niall now. You're scum." Anger overwhelmed me and I threw him against the wall. A red film washed over me, and I knew I'd belted him one. He hit me back in the ribs and then I felt Zayn's hand round my wrist.

"Niall, leave it! He's not worth getting thrown out over."

"I think that's a bit late." Drew's mouth was bleeding.

"I don't think you're going to tell Louis. Because if you do, I'll tell him it was you who sold the story." Zayn was holding me, I bet he could feel me shaking.  "I think you're going to tell him you walked into a door, right?"

"You twats." But there was nothing he could do. Apart from 'walk into a door'.

Zayn made me go and sit down. "Jesus Niall, what came over you? You could have thrown it all away. Not to mention he could have killed you. He's too big to be fighting. You OK?"

"My ribs hurt." Zayn pulled up my shirt. There was a bruise rapidly forming.

"Well, you're going to have to sing, don't let Louis know." He hugged me close. "Sometimes you're such an idiot, Niall."

I had to smile. What is it they say about revenge? It was really sweet that day.


	16. S-I-X-T-E-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Louis = Louis Walsh.  
> Lou = Louis Tomlinson.  
> Louise = Lou Tesdale.

I took a deep breath as I walked into the studios that Saturday. I would, god willing, only be doing this one more time. My routine would change. I hadn't even thought what it would change to. I had to get through tonight first.

I had finally picked a Bon Jovi song for the night's show. It was one of my favourites from the 'Keep the Faith' album and was called 'Bed of Roses'. It was a rocky ballad and I knew it wasn't cheesy, yet I felt more comfortable singing it.

Mam and dad had come over from Mullingar again. I had so much support. I'd invited Nic so she could do a report for the website, well that was the excuse. I knew she'd love it so much.

I took another deep breath, wincing slightly at the pain in my ribs. Drew had certainly walloped me one. I hadn't really felt it at the time I was so high on adrenaline but now it hurt and I wondered if he'd cracked a rib. There was nothing I could do, I'd hit him first.

I'd just have to suffer. at least he knew I wasn't a wimp now.

He was glaring at me, the bruise on his face barely hidden by make up. Louis had passed no comment but I guessed he didn't believe the 'walked into a door.'

 

"Hi Ni?" Zayn was smiling broadly. "Another week."

"Yeah."

"How are you? Feeling any better?"

"Numb about Liam." I'd showed him the letter.

He hugged me gently. "It'll be OK Niall."

"I doubt that Zee. He doesn't want me back and that's the only way things would be all right - if he took me back!"

"Never say never Niall. Who knows what's round the corner or written in the stars?" I shrugged.

 

I sang well, it was a song I could really belt out and concentrate on the emotions, and suddenly into the last chorus I saw that day of my 18th birthday in my mind's eye. Making love on a sea of rose petals. I felt my eyes fill with tears and fought the emotions. I couldn't break down on live TV.

"So Niall, how's the week been?"

"Busy Johnny."

"I bet, another rough week for you?"

"Just a bit, but it's sorted now."

"And there's been more conflict?" I looked at him puzzled. He grinned and they played a clip of me arguing with Louis over my hair. "I see you won."

I had to laugh, partly with relief. I had thought for one minute something awful was going to be revealed. "I like my hair long."

"So do thousands of fans."

 

It was a long wait that night. The ideal outcome would have been me and Zayn through but then that would have put us into direct one on one battle, so I wasn't sure. Anyway, what I wanted didn't matter.  
Zayn went out that night. He wasn't surprised. I can't say I was. He was good but... me and Drew were the ideal opponents because everyone now had picked up on the rivalry between us. He'd made some thinly disguised comments in the press and everyone had wanted a head to head match - now they were going to get it!

But I felt the tears again as I hugged Zayn. Once more I was top in the votes, but this was hurting all the same. There would be no friendly face next week.

Louis wanted to see me and Drew after the show. Zayn smiled. "I'll wait with your mam and dad Ni."

 

"OK, from Monday I want you two living in a flat I've leased. Just for this week." My heart fell - I'd seen the UK show and known this was a possibility, but it still didn't fill me with joy. Drew however - lost it, big time.

"You're joking Louis?"

"No. I want as much footage of you two in this week as possible. Besides, it's not fair or convenient to be filming you both at home." 

"I'm not sharing with him. He's gay!" I looked at the floor.

"So? I fail to see that makes a difference?"

"I won't feel safe."

I let out a snort of laughter. "Don't worry, you're not my type. I'd turn straight first!"

"You little..."

"OK, cut it out. You will share this flat. I've got a minder for you both. He'll be there, not to mention lots of cameramen so I hardly think you'll be molested Drew, besides as Niall has said, he's very choosy." I tried not to laugh again. Drew was purple with anger. The next week wouldn't be much fun, but it wasn't long to go now.

 

To my surprise Zayn wasn't there with mam and dad. "He got a call from his girlfriend. Said he's sorry and he'll call you later."

"Was he OK?"

"Seemed like it. Are you coming home with us?"

"I think I'll stay in Dublin. I've got to stay in some flat from Monday and I've loads of Uni work to do."

"You feel up to going back?"

"Not really, but if I don't, they won't have me back and if I don't make it..." I let the words remain unspoken. Mam hugged me.

"We'll be over for the final, and Niall, we're so proud of you. Mullingar is proud of you."

"Really?" I doubted that. I always thought I was just the little gay boy who had almost died.

"Yes. Loads of people send their wishes. Anne's trying to organise a coach trip, in fact."

I smiled at that. Harry would have put her up to it. "Thank them for me."

"Win it for them, and that's thanks enough."

If only!

 

I went home early. Well it wasn't early, but it was a damn sight earlier than I'd have been if I'd have gone out with Zayn. I hoped he was OK. Lily made hot chocolate - very rock and roll! Actually she offered me something stronger but I knew I needed a clear head to do the coursework, and decide what to take with me for my week in purgatory!

I lay in bed, unable to sleep. It was all so... as if it was planned out. Then my mobile rang. I always left it on in case Liam tried to get in touch. It was Zayn. "Sorry about earlier. Perrie rang."

"Are you OK?"

"Not really." He was whispering. "She's asleep now."

"Oh. Are you upset about getting knocked out?"

"Not really. A bit, but not the main reason. She gave me a hard time about putting our relationship on hold all these months and then losing." I didn't know what to say to that. Liam would have been so supportive. But was I kidding myself? He hadn't even stuck with it this far, then I cursed myself for thinking that. He had stuck with me through far worse.

"Anyway I just wanted to tell you I wasn't being a sore loser."

"I know. I've got to move in with Drew for a week."

"Fuck. Glad I lost then!"

"Come round tomorrow. You can help me with this uni stuff. I'm back on Monday."

"OK, I'll see if I can get away. Congratulations Niall, one more to go."

 

It was a long time before I slept, my body was exhausted but my mind was on overdrive.

 

I had a quiet Sunday. Went out and spent some time with the fans. Nic didn't stand out there as much now, because she was seeing me legitimately. She was coming round for a pizza that night and to show me the site. Then I settled down to my coursework.

Mid-afternoon there was a knock on the door. "Hope you don't mind, Lily said to come up." Zayn looked nervous.

"Of course not."

He looked at my books. "How's it going?"

"Badly. I'm going to get a bollocking on Monday."

"Well... you can't shine at everything?" He sounded tired.

"You OK Zee?"

"Not really. Spent most of the night arguing with Pez."

"Oh."

"It's not been good for months. Before this ever started, but it's her excuse now. She wants the Zayn she fell in love with. I was going to be an art teacher before this, you know?"

"Yeah, I remember you telling me. So, you reapplying or what?"

"Louis wants to see me tomorrow afternoon. He's got a spot in a boyband he's putting together. Wants me to fill it. No auditions. Says it would be ideal."

"And what do you think?"

"I don't know. I've nothing to lose. Can't go to college till next September anyway. That's when my application was deferred to. I'd like to have another bash. I think I'd be better with others. I haven't got the voice to carry it alone but... What do you think Zayn?"

"I think you'd be great." I meant it too. I had never seen Zayn as a solo star, but in a group? He could do it easily. "What does Perrie say?"

"Says I've wasted too much time on these stupid dreams and I should get on with my life and put her first for once."

"Oh."

"I have put her first and it didn't work. I've come to the conclusion we're not meant to be together."

"Big decision Zee."

"I'm not happy and neither is she. We're just going through the motions. Jesus, even the making up's no good. I'm going to leave her Niall!"

"You sure...?"

"Yeah, these last few months have taught me things about myself. I have to do this. I need space. I've changed."

"Then it's probably best to move on."

He nodded. "Thanks Ni... you know... for listening."

"No probs. I've been there, remember?"

"I know. That's why I feel badly about dumping this on you."

"Don't worry."

"You're a very special person Niall. I realised that."

"Thanks. Pity Liam doesn't think so."

"He's been a fool to let you go." Zayn looked at me then seemed to check himself. "Let's change the subject. It's getting fucking depressing. We'll be listening to Justin Bieber next."

I laughed. But all the same I wondered if Zayn was really OK.

 

But I had to put it to the back of my mind the following day as I stepped into the flat Louis had leased for us. It was beautiful. The kind of place I'd love and obviously, very expensive. I had the morning off uni before I went in and met with my personal tutor to discuss my action plan - something I wasn't looking forward to doing one bit. Especially as it would be filmed . Louis had asked me if I was OK with this and I'd agreed. I was wishing I hadn't now.

I got there before Drew - thank god. Louis was with a big solid man in his fourties with short dark hair, with a slight hint of grey.

  
"Niall, this is Paul Higgins. He's going to be staying with you here this week!"

Paul held out his hand. "Hiya Niall." Despite his size he was very quietly spoken. "Pleased to meet you."

"And you." I gave him a smile. I liked him on first meeting though I guessed he wouldn't take any crap.

Louis spent awhile explaining that most things in the flat would be filmed for the show but they would edit out anything we really didn't want them to see. He also handed me a video camera. I gave him a puzzled look.

"We'd like you to film a diary. Your thoughts on each day and so on." I groaned.

"Come on Niall. I have to fill two hours of TV with you and Drew and you're only singing three fucking songs! What am I supposed to do?"

"OK."

"I know you have to be off Niall. Just one thing. I know you and Drew don't get on, but please don't get into rows with him. It's not worth it." I nodded. I was dreading this week - full stop.

 

 

 

I sat in the recording room the following Saturday. I was shaking with nerves and yet partly relived that the longest week of my life was over. It hadn't even been a week, only five days but it had felt like five years. The guys had been editing the weeks tapes and we were seeing the run through as it would appear that teatime.

MONDAY flashed up on the screen and Johnny's voice began the commentary.

"The week didn't get off to a good start for Niall. He's been called in to see his tutor at Dublin University where he's fallen behind on his degree coursework due to appearing on Pop Idol and not being well."

Pete was sat behind his desk. "Come in Niall, how you feeling?"

"Better than I was."

"It's been an emotional time for you, hasn't it?" I nodded. "And you don't need me to add to the pressure you're obviously under so I'm not here to have a go at you. We need to sort out what's best for you, OK?" I nodded again.

"You really are quite behind on the coursework. I've four assignments missing and some assessments. Did you manage to get any done?"

"Yeah." I fished out the finished work. "There's one complete and one half done. I ran into a few problems."

"Well, it's better than nothing. I'll take a look later. Now my big concern is that for you to pass this year you have to have all this in, all the assessments repeated and not to mention notes caught up which leave you five weeks. It's a pretty big task." I took a deep breath. It would have been a 'pretty big task' without Pop Idol but with it... I was so knackered every night. Pete must have seen my face.

"It's going to be a bit much for you, isn't it Niall?"

"Yeah. But I don't want to drop out of Uni. I mean there's no guarantee I'll make it any further and if I do how long it will last. I wanted to get my degree."

"That's admirable and sensible and to be honest I thought you'd say that. I've been giving it some thought. I mean I'm partly to blame in all this. I suggested this Pop Idol to you. How about putting this year on hold and rejoining the course in next September with the new second years?"

"Could I do that?"

"Yes, I've spoke to the principal. There's no problem with that. Of course you'll be in a different class but it would give you the time to devote to Pop idol and sort out your personal life without working yourself into an early grave. So you'd like to do that?"

I didn't want to leave Lou's year. I would miss him a lot, but I couldn't carry on like this and the thoughts of not having to stress about assignments was very appealing. "Yes, please."

"OK sorted. And Niall, good luck on Saturday. We're all behind you all the way." He winked at me and I smiled

Then they showed my video diary for that day.

_*I didn't want to drop out of my year at uni but it's the only way I can carry on with my life and finish my degree. I'll have a new set of friends to make. Sometimes I'm not sure of anything anymore. Pop Idol has cost me so much already, yet I have to go through with it. I hate it and I love it at the same time. I can't imagine what it would be like to have this life day in day out for a long time. I imagine it can screw you up. I don't know what I want any more, but I don't want to give up without giving it my best shot. That's all I know for now*_

 

I sat in the room with Louis and felt myself blush. I'd just opened my heart every night to that camera and I didn't know if I'd done the right thing. But Louis was beaming, fucking grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Brilliant Niall."

I couldn't have told you much about Drew's Monday. He whinged a bit at having to share a flat with me. It showed me making supper with Paul and him trying to get me to go to the gym, then a little spat with me and Drew over the shower.

 

TUESDAY.

"Today Niall's doing a photoshoot for a national paper and then going to the gym with security man Paul Higgins."

The photo shoot footage was ordinary, apart from the conversation with Louise the stylist about my hair. "Your hair Niall is driving me mad. I'm trying something on it to keep it straight. It must be a bloody nightmare when you do your own?" It was. It either went kinky as hell or I had to put so much gunk on it, it forever needed washing. But I wasn't fooled.

"Louis put you up to this, hasn't he? Trying to get my hair cut?"

"Well, he did mention it... but to be honest it would be so much easier for you. Give you more time in bed."

"I like my hair long!"

"You could keep the length, have layers put in, go for the messy look, the kink in it would actually help that look, shower, put a bit of wax in it and let it dry. And you'd look older."

I bit my lip. "When could you do it?"

"Not me mate. I have to work with you again. I don't want your moans. We could get you an appointment tomorrow."

I thought hard. Longer time in bed sounded appealing. "OK, let's go for it!"

 

The gym was good. I actually enjoyed myself as I was getting on well with Paul. Drew was there too but obviously hating every minute.

"Not bad Niall. If you did this two or three times a week, you'd have a fantastic body. Not over built up, just more defined. And you'd not be panting so much."

I nodded eagerly. I'd loved sport as a teenager when I'd been allowed to do it but Liam was always too knackered to go to the gym with me and it's no fun alone.

Then my five minutes alone with the camera.

_*I had fun today. Sometimes it's good to push your body so your mind doesn't dwell on things. So you know that when you fall into bed you will sleep because you're too exhausted to do anything else. That's me tonight, though I'm a bit nervous about the haircut. It's really hard to explain why I'm so neurotic about my hair. It's to do with when I was a kid, and I don't want people to see it as me giving in but it makes sense. And I can always grow it again.*_

Louis was laughing. "You're a stubborn one Niall!"

 

WEDNESDAY.

"Today's hair day for Niall. Louise's made him an appointment at a top Dublin salon, but he's not 100% sure."

"So Niall, we're big fans here. You going to win on Saturday?"

"I hope." Cherie was really nice. She ran her fingers through my hair.

"Not bad condition to say you're not a natural blond. Some layers will make it thicker though."

"I like it long."

"We'll keep the length. Just trim the ends. You planning on staying blond?"

"Yeah."

"Good, it suits you. I'll put some lighter gold highlights in and darken some as well." She saw my face. "Trust me Niall, you'll look amazing."

A couple of hours later I looked at my reflection in disbelief. She had been right, Louis had been right. I looked as though I'd just tumbled out of bed but in a very appealing way, and the darker tones contrasted well with the pale gold. My eyes looked so blue.

"Very cute indeed." Cherie winked at me. "Out you go on the pull now!" I laughed.

_*God I'm glad today's over. I must say I do like my hair but I feel... I don't know. as though I'm not in control of my own life. My clothes are chosen and my hairstyle, and god knows what it will look like when I do it myself. Sparrows nest probably. And I've a big interview to record tomorrow. They sent the questions in advance for me to approve. They want to ask a bit about my sexuality. Nothing specific. Just when I realised I was gay. I don't know what I'm going to say. Plus I'm feeling ratty because Drew used all the hot water and has taken over the living room with some mates. That's why I'm in bed early.*_

Drew went on about how great it was to see his 'friends' again. How he was realising Pop Idol meant nothing to him, ,really. That there were far more important things in life, and that he wasn't cut out for flat-sharing. I had to stifle a laugh at that.

 

THURSDAY.

"It's growing ever nearer the final moment of truth today, and Niall's last publicity drive. Tomorrow will be spent in intensive rehearsals for both finalists. Niall has several interviews today, including one with a top national TV chat show that will be aired tomorrow. Niall knows his sexuality will be up for discussion and is naturally quite nervous."

'Quite nervous' was a bloody understatement. Shitting bricks would have been better! My stomach was churning as we pulled up at the studios and I was met by a production assistant.

"Afternoon Niall. We're so grateful you agreed to do this interview. It's Laura's day for interviewing today and we record in an hour so if you go straight to make up." I nodded, a bit awe-struck. I'd not really done adult TV chat show before and I was scared.

All too soon I was sat opposite Laura Whitmore, one of the top female TV hosts at the minute. I was nervous because she had the reputation of being a bit of a bitch to get what she wanted. But she was perfectly pleasant to me as we discussed the show and my chances.

"And Niall, recently you risked all that with the frank admission that you were homosexual." I nodded. "Some cynical people would say that was a calculated move for publicity. What's your answer to that?"

"If that was true I was taking a big risk. The publicity was not the sort a potential pop idol would actively seek!"

She smiled at me. "That's true, but it's not diminished your popularity one bit."

"Maybe I'm just lucky."

"Or talented. And people are beginning to put talent above a pretty face." I blushed. She smiled and continued. "And I don't think anyone would dispute you have an amazing talent. But back to your sexuality. You come from Mullingar. It couldn't have been easy growing up and realising you were gay there? When did you realise?"

"I don't know. I never really thought about it. I was popular with the girls. I even kissed the girls. Then they suddenly became more important but as friends. Not potential lovers. Then, when I was around sixteen I guess... I met someone who I was attracted to. Big time."

"And this was your lover for the next five years?"

I took a deep breath. I didn't want to go into detail here and I had to be careful. "Yes. We were friends before we were lovers though. Lots of things were happening in my life. It was very intense."

"And it's over now?" I nodded, avoiding looking in the camera. "Niall. Is it true you attempted suicide after your lover left?"

Fuck. What did I say? Although part of me had been expecting this. Slowly I lifted my head. "Yes. I was down. I just wasn't thinking. It wasn't the best thing to do, I realise that. I was stupid. Thank god my landlady Lily was there. That I got another chance."

"Thanks Niall." I breathed a sigh of relief. She turned to the camera. "Niall agreed to answer my somewhat personal questions which was very good of him. There's not a lot to say only that this country needs to become more tolerant of the sexuality of its young adults. There's been a big rise in suicides amongst young homosexual men, and as Niall has proved its often the brightest and most talented who are affected. I'm sure anyone would be proud to have a son like Niall regardless of whom he loves. There is a telephone helpline number coming upat the end of the show."

 

_*Today was hard, but I'm glad I did it. I knew when I came out I would have to talk about it. But I've been quite sheltered in that I've only talked to journalists or to people from the show and I know they've protected me in some ways. I feel I achieved something today. When I was in hospital the other week the psychiatrist suggested I might be ashamed of my sexuality. I never thought I was, but I've given it a lot of thought lately. And I guess I was ashamed. I say 'was' because I'm not anymore. Not at all. I can talk about it on TV. I can admit it to anyone. I'm Niall Horan and I'm gay. What difference does it make? I only wished I'd had this courage or wisdom a few weeks ago, because I might still be in a relationship. Still, it's easy to be wise by hindsight. I went out with Zayn for a drink tonight. He's got over getting knocked out very well as people will see when they see the show. It's nice to know I've made at least one friend from this.*_

 

I knew Drew was sniggering behind me. I didn't care. Louis was obviously impressed by my diary. He smiled at me. I had opened up my heart and not because it was being shown on TV but because I felt I had to. I know why people go into therapy. It's very helpful to be able to empty your soul.

 

FRIDAY.

"Final rehearsal day and the last day in the flat which thanks to both finalists taking a mature stance and the intervention of Paul Higgins on the odd heated moment has been relatively calm. Both Niall and Drew will have to sing three songs tomorrow, one of which will be chosen today by our judges."

I had been dreading that. I had no idea what I was going to sing. And a peverse part of me wanted to sing 'Seasons in the Sun.' It had started it all for me and I had a feeling it would bring me luck. But I didn't say anything. Not yet. I had also chosen Bryan Adam's "Summer of `69" because I loved the song and could play my guitar. I was dreading what the judges had picked for me. The one they chose for Drew gave me no confidence either. Wham's 'I'm your man'. Fuck, I'd have died.

"OK Niall, are you a Billy Ocean fan?"

"Not particularly!" Shit if it was 'When the going gets tough'.

"Well, we picked 'Love really hurts without you'. Shit, shit, shit. But it could have been worse, I suppose. I didn't mind the song. It just wasn't the type of song I wanted to sing, that's all.

I went into wardrobe with a very sick feeling. Sandra was smiling. "If you've picked seventies flares I'm walking."

"Calm down. How about this?" This was a beautiful black suit, with a black shirt.

"Oh wow!"

"Try it on. And it's Armani, so don't ruin it!"

It fit perfectly. "Could have been made for you. That's one song sorted. Now let's go for the rest." She found me some faded jeans with ripped knees that fit low on my hips and very snug elsewhere. "Perfect. And they're D&G, so again be careful at rehearsal." There was a white T shirt with ¾ length sleeves to go with them and a matching denim jacket. I loved them and she laughed at my face. "Tell you what Niall, you win tomorrow and you can keep the lot!"

"You mean that?"

"Sure. Not that I have favourites, but you are the easiest person in the world to dress and you look good in everything."

The final outfit for 'Season's in the Sun' was plain grey trousers and a matching short sleeved shirt. Normally grey made me look washed out, but this was a darker grey. It looked good.

"All sorted." She put the plastic bags back over them and I was stood in my faded Levi's. "Knock 'em dead kid!"

 

Louis blew his top when I had to say I was singing SITS. "No way, Niall!"

"Louis, I am. All the way I've let you make my choices. Well, now it's my turn."

"Have I guided you wrong?"

"No, but have I made a wrong choice?" He hesitated. "We don't know, because you haven't let me make a choice. Well, it's time I did!"

He knew I wasn't going to give in. "On your own head be it!" I hoped I wasn't making a huge mistake.

 

_*Am I being stubborn for the sake of it? I just don't know. Maybe part of me wants to lose this, because if I win my life will change so much. I know it's changed already but... I can't imagine what it's like to have a #1 song. Sing on The LateLate Show. I feel as though I've been playing at being a popstar and if I win... Maybe I'm scared. I know I'm scared. Maybe I should listen to Louis. He knows what he's talking about... but this song. It means so much to me, so very much. I wish I could tell people why. I will one day but I have to sing it. I might lose singing it. I know that, but call it gut feeling. It's scary to know this time tomorrow it will all be over. I just want the right thing to happen, what's going to be best for me in the long run. I've grown up so much in the past weeks, learnt so much. Now I'd better get some sleep.*_

 

Louis took a deep breath as the tape ended. He looked at me then at Drew then back again. "Are you both ready for this?"

Drew grinned. "Certainly!"

I gulped. "Ready as I'll ever be!"

"Then let the show commence!"

 

 

 

 

I stood backstage listening to Drew belt out 'I'm your man'. He certainly had the audience singing along. I knew they'd showed part of my week and I wondered what people had thought. I fidgeted in my Armani suit. I hoped to god it wouldn't be the last time I would wear designer suits.

I had meant what I'd said on my diary. I didn't know if I was scared to win but I was equally scared to lose. I couldn't see myself walking back into my old life although Louis had assured me that wouldn't happen. I had a draft copy of the management contract he wanted me to sign. He'd insisted I let mam and dad have a look and get a lawyer to look too. It would give him 10% of my earnings and tied me to him for three years minimum. I knew from uni it seemed a fair deal, and it was based on zero at the moment although Simon Cowell was insistent he got an invite to any record company showcases I did. They weren't talking reality at that moment. Not my reality.

"Niall, shift your arse, lad." I realised it was my cue to go onstage. I too had opted to get this song over first of all. I was finishing with SITS.

It went OK. I wasn't overly comfortable with it but I'd rehearsed it well with the choreographer. People were clapping and I guessed singing too although I could only hear my own voice. Then Johnny was smiling and coming towards me.

"Not your usual thing, hey Niall? But you sang it well. I understand you're going to be taking us back to your first love of rock in the second half?"

"Sure am!"

"Can't wait. So how's the week been?"

"Nerve racking.."

"Glad it's over?"

"Just a bit."

"And you're 21 on Tuesday. Any plans?"

"I've not thought that far ahead."

"If you win I guess you'll be celebrating early?"

"Oh yes."

"See you in a bit then Niall."

 

I was shaking in the green room. We'd been given a room of our own and I was grateful for that. To my surprise, Lou and Zayn were waiting for me.

"Hiya."

"What are you two doing here?"

"Thought you could use a little support. Your mam and Lily are too nervous, they'd make you worse."

I grabbed a bottle of lucozade. "It's great to see you both. How's Uni?"

"Hard. You little skiver!" I laughed.

"And you Zayn?"

"I'm rehearsing with X-cite tomorrow!"

"X-cite?" I raised my eyebrows. He laughed.

"Don't say a word. They're really nice lads too."

"Good."

I was getting changed into my denim and checking my guitar. "So you're going to rock them now?"

"You bet!"

 

I felt at home there with my guitar. The opening chords. _'I got my first real six-string, bought it at the five and dime'_  . The applause was deafening. I heard it over the earpiece and I knew I was smiling. Back in the green room, Lou was listening to Louis, Linda and Simon's comments.

"Niall's very versatile. Not the typical boy band wannabe."

"Thanks a lot Louis!" But Zayn was smiling.

"Drew has been consistent and don't forget, he has 'the image'!"

"But he's been the same all along, whereas Niall's been more natural. We've not really seen Drew alter at all but Niall has grown so much, his personality has emerged."

I had to go to the loo. I couldn't bear to hear about myself, my hopes and dreams dissected like that. And it was time for the final song. I had drawn the short straw and would go last. I was humming the harmony in my head. if I got the first line over right I would be OK but if I fluffed it...? Oh, it was too late to worry now.

"OK Niall, for the last time."

I counted in. Remembering doing it accappella in the auditions. Little had I known where it would lead.

 

_'Goodbye to you my trusted friend.. we've known each other since we were nine or ten'_

 

I'd got the key right but the words made the tears well up. If I gulped them back it would show in my voice, so I had to sing the fucking song with tears in my eyes, praying they wouldn't trickle down my face. When I sang _'Goodbye papa please pray for me, I was the black sheep of the family'_ one escaped. Just one. I held the rest back.

_'But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone.'_

I held the note. Silence. Then, the applause overwhelmed me.

 

Johnny was chatting away saying what an amazingly moving performance. I was trying to surreptitiously blink the tears away. They would be taking a 90 minute break now for the votes. The longest 90 minutes of my life. I had to hold the tears back till I got to my dressing room.

I rushed in and buried my face in the robe I wore after my shower. I didn't know why I was crying. A combination of things. The fact that the song had triggered memories of my past. Bittersweet memories and also the realisation that it was, to all intents and purposes, over. Nothing I could do anymore would make a difference. It was ultimately in the hands of strangers.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned round. Mam was standing there and I can't describe the look on her face. Proud and happy yet sad and anxious too.

"Niall baby."

I threw myself into her arms and cried. It was a release. Tears I hadn't cried for Liam leaving or almost dying . I had cried about these things but I'd held a lot back too. Not now. I don't know how long I cried for but I became aware of mam talking, not to me but to Zayn. Then she shook me gently. "Ni baby. Louis says you have to go and wash your face and go to make up. You're back on in 45mins."

"How'd he know I'm crying?"

"He came in and saw. It's OK. I think he understands, love."

How could he? I didn't understand. Zayn came into the bathroom. I wanted to ask him what he'd thought about the song. I didn't have to.

"Ni, that was unbelievable. Fantastic. I was fucking crying myself. So were most of the audience."

I scrubbed at my face. Make up were going to have a fit. "Any idea how the voting's going, by any chance?"

"No. Lines were jammed but I didn't ask. Want me to find out?"

"Not really."

Make up did a wonderful job, transformed me from a blotchy runny nosed wimp to the person who'd started the night. Then I went back to Louis. He was stood with Drew.

"You OK now Niall?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It was an emotional performance. I was just saying to Drew... I want you two to go out there and shake hands. Before the result OK? You're both talented, will both have wonderful careers and it's stupid to waste time fighting." I nodded and so did Drew.

 

I knew I was shaking as I was stood next to Drew. I hoped the cameras didn't pick it up. He looked calm and cool. Why couldn't I be like that? All I wanted to do was be curled up in my attic room.

"It's been an amazing contest and the lines have been hot, but here are the results. With 4,050 votes Drew O'Ryan and with 6, 750 votes Niall Horan." It didn't sink in. It just didn't. I was frozen. Then to my surprise, Drew was shaking my hand. "Oi you Mullingar idiot. You won!" But there was no malice in his voice or in his eyes. Just a desolation and sadness and I realised that it had meant just as much to him as to me.

"I'm sorry." He was my rival and I was apologised. He grinned and gave me a brief hug. "Not over yet Horan, see you in the charts!" And I had to smile. I had done it. I was Ireland's first Pop Idol. As it finally sank in, I felt the smile cross my face. Despite everything, I had done it!

 

"Well Niall, that's an amazing result. How do you feel?"

"Numb..."

Johnny laughed. "I bet. Bet you'll be celebrating tonight."

"I hope so."

"We've got the champagne on ice Ni!" That was Lou from backstage. The audience fell about. I grinned.

"'Right then Niall, before you become incapable. One more song please."

"Anything?"

"Yes."

"Oh god. I don't know what to sing."

Louis came on stage with my guitar. "How about some rock then?" I picked up the guitar and struck a chord.

 

_'_ _So you wanna be a cowboy, well you know its more than just a ride  
_ _Guess you gotta know the real thing if you wanna know the other side  
_ _Aint nobody riding shotgun in this world tonight and when you spit you'd better mean it  
_ _You'd better make 'em all believe it, if you gonna be the one'_

 

As I finished the applause rang in my ears and I walked off stage one last time.

It was mad in the dressing room, Lou hadn't been joking about the champagne. Even Lily was getting tipsy. There were plans to go to Lillies. It would be an all-nighter.

"So you up for it, Niall?"

"Yeah, but I have to get my stuff from the flat."

"I'll take you now before I finish." Paul was drinking coke.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, come on."

It was what I needed to get my head round it. Paul didn't say anything till I was back in the car.

"So...?"

"So...?"

"I hoped you'd win Niall, and not that jumped up little shit. I was with him five days and couldn't stand him whereas Louis asked me to do your security."

"And?"

"I'd love to if you're happy with me."

"Of course."

"You're a bit preoccupied."

"Not registered yet."

 

He laughed. "Best way to make it register is a session in the gym at 8 in the morning and a nice game of squash. But somehow I don't think you'll be up to it in the morning. Do you?"

"I definitely doubt it. You coming to this party then?"

"As your security, I think I should."

"I agree." And suddenly I was a little bit happy, and it felt good.

 

 

 

 

I sat on my bed and thought. It was 2 days later. The Monday evening and I was packing to go home for my birthday... I had two days off then I was back in Dublin to really start my career. It was only just sinking in.

Sunday I had been hungover. Majorly so, but so was everyone else. I think it was the first day in the history of Lily's bed and breakfast career that she didn't do the breakfast bit. It was lunchtime when I surfaced. Lou was laid next to me fully dressed and Zayn was on the floor. Turned out mam and dad and Paul were also at Lily's.

The phone never stopped all day either. Louis telling me about interviews I HAD to do on the Monday, people from uni, people from Mullingar, my brothers and sister. It was amazing. And the fans were outside, waiting patiently. I swallowed some pain killers and went to join them. They had given me the world. Or at least a new life.

Nic turned up in dark glasses. I'd dragged her to Lillies on the Saturday night. Louis was going to have one hell of a big bar bill

"Never again. Last time I befriend a pop idol."

I laughed. "You coming to Mullingar for my birthday?"

"You joking? I have to get the site updated and the fan club stuff ready. Plus do you think I'm a stalker?" I couldn't keep a straight face.

 

Monday it was back to work. I did countless press and TV interviews then had a meeting with Louis. The first time we'd been alone since I won. "Well done Niall. I don't think I've said that yet."

"Thanks."

"You deserved to. But you know it's only going to get harder from now?"

"Yeah."

"We need to get a single recorded and out ASAP plus the album, but I'd like you to make a 'significant contribution'. If you know what I mean."

"I've loads of stuff written."

"Good. I'll have to hear it."

"I haven't even got a record deal yet though, Louis."

"All under control. I'm arranging a show case for a couple of weeks time. But I know for a fact that Simon is desperate to sign you to SyCo. Might get the price up." I laughed at Louis. Friendly rivalry wasn't in it at all.

"And I've organised you a 21st party at the Spy bar on Friday. Some good publicity to be had." I nodded. My life was effortlessly being steered. The price for fame. I had known that from the beginning.

"And you have to do the interview with the Sunday Mirror about your illness. I want that done this week, Niall. I don't want it leaked and they'll all come running out of the woodwork with stories." I knew that. I was waiting for Mr and Mrs Payne's next move. They must be seething at the minute. But Louis was keeping a tight rein on the press.

"OK then Niall. Go on. Enjoy your birthday."

"Thanks."

So I was sat waiting for dad to pick me up. I was going to have to learn to drive now. I couldn't keep relying on others and I would be spending a lot of time between Dublin and other places.

"Niall. Come and have a birthday drink before you go!" I ran downstairs. Lily handed me more champagne. I was getting sick of the stuff by now, but it was my birthday. There were cards and presents all over the place. The letter box was constantly rattling.

"Happy 21st Ni."

I remembered the last time we'd been toasting my birthday. When I and everyone thought I'd die. It had been three years ago, a rollercoaster ride. The letterbox rattled again. "Better get that before Flash does." The fat dog still chewed post.

"I'll go." There were a few cards and stuff on the mat. I picked them up intending to open them later, but something made me flip through them. My heart literally missed a beat and then I was throwing open the door. A figure was going down the street. Walking away from me.

"LIAM. LIAM!" He stopped and turned. He didn't move as I ran to him. He looked the same yet different, imperceptibly older, and sadder. But he didn't walk away either. He waited.

"Liam." I was panting.

"Hello Niall." I wanted to throw myself into his arms and hold him, beg him never to walk away from me again, but something stopped me. "Congratulations by the way. You were brilliant."

"You saw it then?"

"Wouldn't have missed it for the world. You really deserved to win."

"Thanks."

"And I wanted to send a birthday card. Stupid really. But I didn't want you to think I'd forgot. This is such a special day." He involuntarily glanced at his left hand and I saw he still wore our ring. It was our 'anniversary'.

"Why's it stupid?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have." He smiled sadly. "You've got everything now."

"Not everything. I haven't got you!"

"Niall. You don't need me."

"I do Liam. I always have."

"No. You did. You've managed without me... just fine."

"No I haven't. I need you, Liam."

"Niall, I am the one person you don't need at this moment."

"Liam."

"No Niall, you listen to me. And don't start crying. You do not need me holding you back at this moment.. I've thought long and hard about this. I still love you Niall, I will always love you. And I would love so much to have you back in my arms but it's not the right time. You have the chance to make a career. The career you've always wanted. I'd hold you back."

"You wouldn't."

"I would Niall. Not intentionally, but I'd get jealous or miss you too much. You have a chance, everyone loves you and they know the truth about you. You've nothing to hide. You don't need extra baggage."

"You're not extra baggage though, Liam." I felt the tears.

"Not at the minute, but I could be. I'm not taking the chance. Somewhere along the line your life will shift again, and there'll be a place for me."

"What if you meet someone else?"

"Then we're not meant to be. It's fate Niall. If it's meant to be, it will happen. It'll be written in the stars, destiny. Maybe I was only meant to love you to get you through the fight for your life."

"No. It's not fair."

"Life's not fair, Niall. At least we had love for a while. More than some people ever have. If we're not meant for each other, just hold on to the memories of the good times. I know I will."

"But you... you did all the giving. Made all the sacrifices."

"No, I didn't Niall. You were prepared to give your life. Nothing greater than that. And... and... you did give me something. You gave me unconditional love. I'd never got that from my family. I only had to be me for you to love me." I was crying now, but not in a helpless hysterical way. I knew Liam was going to walk away and I knew I wasn't going to stop him either. Call it instinct but I knew he was right, he'd always had more common sense than me.

"So it's goodbye?"

"For now Niall, only for now."

I held out my arms, wanting, needing, to feel him in them one more time. He squeezed me gently. "I love you Niall, always."

"I love you too, Liam." I felt him kiss my hair, then I was stood on the pavement watching him walk away. He only looked back once, waved and then he was out of sight.

I stood there a long time. Then I looked at my left hand. The third finger was bare. I pulled the ring off my right hand and slipped it back where it belonged. I felt whole again. Then I walked back to the house, hoping dad wasn't waiting.

 

 

 

It was late when I got home to Mullingar and I went to bed almost straight away. All the family would be there tomorrow, no, later today now.. and I needed sleep. But I couldn't settle till I opened the letter from Liam.

It was quite a bulky envelope. 2 cards. One for my birthday and one was a congratulations card. A couple of pieces of paper and a little tiny pouch. I tipped the contents into my hand. It was a little silver or white gold charm, a four leaf clover.

The letter was simple.

 

_Dearest Niall._

_Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you always and if it's destiny for us to be together... it will happen. But not at this time. You gave me true love and I'll always be grateful. I hope you can forgive me for what I've done. I never ever meant to hurt you._

_This charm's to bring you luck, with your future and with your health. I'll pray for you every night. And there's a poem I wrote when you were sick, and I hope it answers some of the questions you always had about that time. It was how I felt at the time, how I still feel about you._

_Hoping fate sees it fit to join us at a better time in life._

_Love forever Liam xxx_

 

I read the poem through. It was beautiful.

 

_Stay with me, don't fall asleep too soon_  
 _The angels can wait for a moment_  
 _Come real close forget the world outside_  
 _Tonight we're alone it's finally you and I_

_It wasn't meant to feel like this_  
 _Not without you_

_When I look at my life how the pieces fall into place_  
 _It just wasn't right without you_  
 _When I see how my path seems to end up before your face_  
 _The state of my heart the place where we are was written in the stars_

_Don't be afraid I'll be right by your side_  
 _Through the laughter and pain together we're bound to fly  
_ _I wasn't meant to be like this  
_ __  
Not without you

_Made a few mistakes like sometimes we do_  
 _Been through a lot of heartache but I made it back to you_

_When I look at my life how the pieces fall into place_  
 _It just wasn't right without you_  
 _When I see how my path seems to end up before your face_  
 _The state of my heart the place where we are was written in the stars_

 

I was crying. I knew he loved me. I didn't need more proof. We'd both opened our hearts. All I had to do was believe and hold on to that belief, and one day...

I looked out of my window. Two stars were twinkling brightly in the sky over Mullingar and despite my tears, I had to smile. Because I just knew that somewhere in Dublin Liam would be looking at those same stars. That it was a sign. That sometime, some place - we'd be together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end of 'part 2'. 'Part 3' will still be (majorly) in Niall's POV, although we will also see a little bit of Liam's POV as well. It was originally named 'Written In The Stars' (the name of the poem Liam wrote for Niall). I'll try and update on Sunday :)


	17. S-E-V-E-N-T-E-E-N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Louis is still Louis Walsh, and Lou is still Louis Tomlinson. :)

_‘The day I almost died!’ Pop Idol Niall’s amazing story – exclusive!’_

_All of Ireland watched 21 year old Niall Horan from Mullingar as he battled to become the country’s first Pop Idol last weekend, they live through his heartache, the revelation he was homosexual and many other traumas… But few people knew the young star had yet another secret in his past! That he almost lost his life to leukaemia twice by the age of 18. Our reporter met with Niall at a Dublin hotel for this exclusive and moving interview_

_Christine Jarvis – reporter on the Sunday world._

 

I meet Niall Horan at the Burlington hotel, he’s early which makes a refreshing change from most pop stars and he’s unfailingly polite and cheerful as he greets me… Yet I can see the nervousness behind those stunning blue eyes that have captured a million hearts – this is one more intrusion on a young life already laid open to public scrutiny too often over the last few weeks. If fame has a price then young Niall has definitely paid the highest for his success…

Its not an easy subject to broach – how do you ask a young lad what its like to almost die before he’s eighteen… We sit looking at each other for a moment then he gives me that smile.

"So…?"

"You agreed to do this interview… to tell the world about your illness…" He nods.

"It’s a very brave step Niall…"

"Not really, it's part of me. And if I don’t tell you, someone will or tell someone else."

"So that’s why you’re going public on this? Because you feel someone will if you don’t?"

He shrugs. "I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of the reason but it's more than that… I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of, is it? Nothing I could help…"

"Definitely not… So how old were you when first diagnosed…?"

"Around three. Obviously, I don’t remember much of it. Just being ill all the time, in hospital loads… I thought that was what life was about…" He smiles, heartbreakingly innocent, "I was a very naïve three year old."

"But you beat it?"

Niall nods again. "When I was about five. I had chemo, and I went into remission and stayed there. There’s a statutory five year period. I stayed clear for that. I was cured…"

"So you led a normal life?"

"As far as I could… I guess mam and dad were always a little, uh, overprotective. They fussed a bit…" He blushes. "But yeah, I had a pretty normal childhood – I certainly wasn’t spoilt!" He grins.

"So when did you know you were sick again?"

"I started feeling tired when I was seventeen, bruising easily, nosebleeds… All the classic symptoms and I knew… but I didn’t say anything. I’d always feared it, but the doctors said it was very unlikely, that I was looking for it, that I should stop living in fear. My life was great… not school, though!" He wrinkles his nose and I smile. "But everything else was… My music, my family, and I’d just met someone…"

"A boy?"

"Yes. A girl wouldn’t have had quite the same effect. With me being gay and all…" He gives me a cheeky smile.

"So you knew at this point?"

"I suspected! And when I met him, well I knew…"

"Love at first sight?"

He nods, a wistful look in his crystal clear blue eyes. "So I really didn’t want to face the possibility of being sick again…"

"But you had to?"

"I collapsed at school, playing basketball… Amazingly enough the hospital thought it was just a virus and sent me home. But they called me back the next day, my blood was dangerously unstable."

"The leukaemia?"

"Yes, Acute Myloid in its adult form… I was pretty sick. They stabilised me, said I’d need intense chemotherapy…"

"Which you had?"

"I was in hospital about five weeks… and boy, was I sick! The drugs…" he shakes his head at the memory and I feel a touch guilty for putting him through what are obviously unhappy memories. "And I got a chest infection, they thought I’d die…"

"You fought on though?"

"I went into remission that summer. I was happy again. I was beating it… until… the following March. I came out of remission, just like that. I was sick again and chemo wouldn’t cure it. They were very straight with me…"

"Jesus…" I forget I’m doing an interview for a minute. All I can think of is my kids. How do you cope with something like that? How had Maura Horan felt…?

"They did say radiotherapy and chemo would give me a chance and that I would need a bone marrow transplant… Mam and dad tested negative as… as did my partner… I didn’t realise that the best hope would be from either a sibling or a cousin. I just wanted to give up, and then… and then… My partner’s parents found out about us…" He swallows hard.

"They didn’t know? What about your parents, Niall?"

"Mam had told my partner she knew at the beginning – call it motherly instinct or something. They were cool… I’m not saying they liked it. I’m sure they would have preferred me to be straight, bring home a girl but… She always said I was the important one…"

"Great parents then?"

He looks me in the eye. "The best. Ever!"

"But your partner’s…?"

"Hated me… I’d corrupted him, according to them. I was disgusting and should die for it. They were sending him to boarding school. I’d never see him again and without him, I didn’t want to go throught the hell of trying to live. So I made a decision…" He flushes pink. "Not the most rational decision I ever made… I decided to persuade my partner to leave with me, so we could be together…"

"But you needed treatment?"

"That didn’t matter… He took a lot of persuading, but eventually he agreed. So we went to Dublin, pretended to be brothers and ended up at Lily and Jack’s. I was happy there…"

"But without that treatment you were going to die?"

"But I’d be with the person I loved… That was far more important…"

"So you lived in Dublin… what happened?"

"I got sicker… and Lily found out… found out everything… Instead of throwing us out, she helped me. I’ll never repay her for that."

"But you were dying?"

He nods. "It was awful. Not the dying or even the pain, but the knowledge I was causing pain to everyone else… My parents, Lily, my lover…"

"So why didn’t you go for treatment?"

"And lose him? Never!" I get the impression that Niall Horan is one hell of a strong minded individual, which is not a bad thing. He gives me a little smile.

"So…"

"So I waited to die, and then… My brother Greg called my partner. My eldest fosterbrother, who's also my cousin, had tested a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant. He was begging him to bring me home…"

"Wow… Nerve racking."

"Not for me. I was too sick to know much. Only when he begged me to give it a go, that he’d be there for me, then I had to give it a go. If only for him. Because, I guess, in some ways I was selfish. It's hard to know you’re going to die… It must be hard to watch someone you love die… Equally hard, if not harder." I give him a questioning look.

"Well, he had to live without me, after I’d gone… I wouldn’t have been able to cope with that..." I nodded.

"So I went back to Mullingar… I don’t remember it, only they were preparing to do the transplant and his bloody parents turned up, kicked off. He didn’t want to leave… but… but they said they’d get me charged with rape if he didn’t… I was just eighteen…" I’m holding my breath here. If this had been on a soap opera, you'd say how farfetched…

"So I refused the transplant. I knew I was going to die without him, and I didn’t care… I wanted out. There was no point in living…" He gives a very embarrassed smile. "Like I said, I’m very selfish at times."

"But you did have the transplant?"

"Yeah he left his parents, challenged them. He made a hell of a sacrifice… The least I could do, was try to live!"

"And the rest’s history… You went to Dublin, went to university and entered Pop Idol?"

"That’s about it!"

"Why didn’t you tell people at the time?"

"I didn’t want an issue of it… People voting for me out of sympathy or anything… And I was just coming to terms with it myself…"

"It's an amazing story Niall, thank you for telling it to me."

"It's no problem."

I look at him sat there, so composed and despite all this new found fame and undoubted fortune it will bring - I feel sorry for him. Sorry for all he’s had to suffer in his short life and that the love he was prepared to die for no longer exists. No one so young should have to suffer so much.

I stand up to leave… A last question comes into my brain, one no doubt all the readers will be thinking of. "So how’s your health now Niall?"

He smiles. "Great thanks."

"You’re all clear then…?" I’m remembering what he said about the statutory five year period. Hes only twenty one, and he had the transplant at eighteen.

He bites his lip. "I have six monthly checks for the next two years. God willing - everything’s fine. I don’t dwell on that anymore, I live one day at a time."

I hold out my hand to him.

And as I drive away, I find myself praying for Niall Horan. Praying that there will be no more suffering, in his health or his lovelife, because he needs some luck and I don’t class that as winning Pop Idol.

 

The Sunday World newspaper on the 21st September sold a record number of copies and Niall found himself the focus of public opinion once more. And Liam sat in his bedsit on Dublin’s north side, and cried at the story…

 

 

 

Niall's POV (10 months after that interview)

 

"Niall! Get a move on, we’re 15 minutes late already!"

I groaned as Paul shouted up the stairs. I was knackered and I really didn’t feel like recording today, but I had to. The album had to be finished this week. We were already behind, god knows how. Well I do, ‘choosing’ the songs had taken much longer than I imagined. It wouldn’t have if I hadn’t made my opinions clear at the beginning – I wasn’t going to be a pop puppet and sing crap!

"Niall… If I have to drag my arse up those stairs, I’ll kick yours down them stairs!"

I ran a comb through my hair and checked that if my jeans looked alright. There were always fans outside the house now and outside the Windmill Lane studios where I had been holed up for the last three months. Then I ran down four flights of stairs almost colliding with Paul at the bottom.

"At last… Jesus…"

"Sorry! I overslept…"

"Again…" Paul gave me a stern look. "I could understand it if you were out partying every night, but I know for a fact you don’t…"

"I got an idea for a song…" He rolled his eyes. "What time?"

I shrugged. "About three-ish!"

"Niall!"

"Niall!" Lily echoed Paul’s cry. "You are meant to get your rest, and now you haven’t had breakfast…"

"It's OK Lily, I’ll get him something when we get there. Now move it, Niall…"

"Can I drive?" I’d been taking lessons and just persuaded Paul to put L-plates on the people carrier the record company had given him to carry me about.

"No way… It's rush hour traffic and if you run into anything… If you’d got your arse out of bed earlier…"

"OK, OK spoilsport…" I grabbed my rucksack and guitar and followed him out of the door.

"Niall… over here please…"

"Niall, when’s the next single?"

"When will you do a concert?"

Paul sighed. "Not today girls… We’re late enough…" He had one hand on my shoulder to keep me moving because I was a bugger when it came to chatting to fans. I just love it.

I gave them an apologetic smile, "I overslept!" They smiled, they knew if they came back another time I would stand with them for hours. Having fans outside my door was still a novelty, though it was a pain to Paul.

He started as we drove off. "Niall, you should really think about moving…"

"No way! I love living at Lily’s…"

"I know you do, but it's so open… and everyone knows about it…"

"So? I’ve got you, haven't I?" Paul had moved into Lily’s a couple of months ago after the second single went straight into #1.

"But there will come a time when I can’t manage it alone, and I doubt Lily wants all her guests moving out because of a pop singer…" I hadn’t thought of it like that. Lily’s livelihood was B&B, and I can’t imagine it went down well with the guests. All those teenage girls, although they were good fans. The singing was kept to a minimum, after all.

"We’ll have to speak to Louis…" I nodded. I didn’t want to leave Lily’s, as it was my last link with Liam. I went silent as Paul negotiated the busy Dublin streets.

It had been a mad ten months, MAD! The first single had to be released quickly, so it was always going to be a cover version, something I had sung on the show. They’d decided on a double A side in the end. ‘Summer of 69’ and ‘Seasons in the Sun’. It had gone straight to #1 in the Irish charts, and been the biggest selling debut single of all time.

I was quite happy to sing both those songs, and I loved making the video. Although secretly, I’d hoped they fly me somewhere exotic. I actually filmed them down in West Cork, god knows why. But it was all so very exciting, so new…

Louis had arranged for me to showcase with two or three record companies in Dublin, international ones including SyCo who was Simon's label. He was smiling his usual sardonic smile as I began to sing, and he stopped me halfway through the second song. Bewildered, I looked at Louis.

"What's up?"

"Nothing… I’ve heard enough…" My heart sank. "Let's cut the crap Louis, and get straight to hammering out this deal! We always knew Niall would sign to my label…"

"It depends what you’re offering! EMI are really interested."

"Fuck EMI… let's talk money…"

It went over my head. I felt very thick, to be honest. They were talking advances, album deals, conditions, royalties… Immense amounts of money were tossed aside. This was unbelievable. Louis’s smile was getting broader by the minute.

"OK, I’ll take Niall back to the office, explain everything, and see what he says. And of course get our legal team on it."

"Sure, do that Louis, but you know it’s a fucking cracking deal…"

"It certainly seems like it. I shall be in touch soon, Simon."

 

I got into Louis’s car. It was a smart BMW. I couldn’t wait till I took driving lessons again and could buy myself a nice car – assuming I earned enough money to buy a nice car. But from the amounts they’d been talking, jesus.

Louis put the radio on and we set off back to his office. He was smiling. "Well, well, Simon Cowell – where I want him. I never thought I’d see the day." I gave him a puzzled look, most of their conversation was gibberish to me.

"Niall, he is desperate for you to sign to SyCo, fucking desperate if you pardon my language…" I grinned at that. "He wants to sign you to a three album contract, a minimum of three albums, four singles from each one. Plus singing on the Pop Idol album, of course. Hopefully the Pop Idol tour. Your own tour over here, supporting one of his big UK acts over there. Breaking the UK and Europe, and cross our fingers for America as well…"

"Sound good!"

"Sounds bloody brilliant! And he’s talking big money, a hundred thousand advance for a start. A very high price for each album and royalties. You should be a millionaire in a year to eighteen months, easily…"

I swallowed. I mean, what do you say when someone tells you that? "Oh…"

Now Louis laughed. "Oh…just oh, Niall."

"I don’t think my mind’s processing it yet…"

"Well I’ll give you a copy of the proposed contract, and send one to our legal team and if you want, get independent legal advice in yourself. And we have to iron out the finer details of our contract too Niall, me as your manager."

I nodded. I wanted Louis to manage me, that was the one thing I had no doubts on.

"Again you should maybe get legal advice Niall, but my usual deal is ten per cent of everything. And I’ll see to your security and tour manager and so on." I nodded again. From various lectures at uni I knew that was a realistic fee and when you were talking hundreds of thousands, it didn’t seem too bad.

 

I signed to SyCo in the end, just as Simon had predicted. He was very happy. Louis’s legal team approved the contract after a few minor changes, like a length of time in which the albums had to be produced. This was to protect me as I understood I would be tied to SyCo until the albums were recorded, whether they were released or not.

I got independent legal advice for both that contract and Louis’s management one. A guy called John Harrison who specialised in entertainment and contract law, and mam and dad were with me when I signed them and walked away with ninety thousand British pounds in the bank. It was a surreal feeling. I didn’t have to worry about money for the immediate future. I could pay Lily what I owed her in back rent. I could buy mam and dad a nice car, and have things done in the house. I could learn to drive, buy nice clothes, go to as many Derby matches as I wanted. It was a very strange feeling…

But that night I signed the contract, I lay thinking of Liam and the tears rolled down my face. Money couldn’t buy happiness. Maybe I would never be truly happy again.

I didn’t have much time to worry about it though. I was in the studio two days later, recording the first single. Due to contract, as winner of the Pop Idol contest, I had to release my first single before everyone else. Louis had said it was important to cash in whilst the show was fresh in everyone’s mind, and I was still the public darling.

Because strange as it seems, I was. I was the most unlikely role model, a homosexual singer in Ireland, but somehow I’d endeared myself to the majority of people. Life is peculiar at times…

That first day in the studio sticks in my mind. There was loads of people around, and I felt very self conscious. I was glad Louis, Simon and Paul were there. I felt almost shy, Louis was talking to a man in his late twenties, then he turned and smiled at me. "Niall, come and meet Chris Aisling. He’s going to be producing the single."

He looked me up and down, and I immediately felt tension. And I immediately came to the conclusion that it was because of my sexuality. As I usually did. Old habits die hard. Then slowly he held out his hand.

"Hello Niall, we’ve heard a lot about you."

I shook his hand, feeling very transparent. "Nice to meet you."

He nodded, and I got the feeling he wasn’t too happy about meeting me. This was my biggest fear about coming out, that people would have preconceptions of me and make judgements. This guy didn’t like me, I could feel that.

"Right, let's get on with it. Have you ever recorded a track, Niall?"

"No…"

He rolled his eyes. "We’ve got two days to record two tracks and a B side, and teach you the basics. We’re in for fun…"

Looking back, he made me nervous before we even started. Not good. He explained quickly how it worked, that the guitar tracks would be recorded separately to my vocals and the rest of the music. Then he made me go into the booth and sing the song. I couldn’t get into it. My voice sounded funny in the earphones, and I was constantly looking at Chris and his team. They didn’t look happy.

"OK…" Chris gestured for me to come out. "Come and listen…"

It sounded fucking terrible, like I was strangling the neighbour’s cat. I looked at him. "Not good?"

"Not good… That’s a fucking understatement. Niall, can you hear the music in there?" I nodded.

"Then try to sing in tune to it! Jesus… I knew it would be like this, fucking mickey mouse talent contests…" I was blinking back the tears as I went back into the booth, and was just glad Louis and Simon had gone.

The problem was - he wasn’t telling me what to do at all, and it was so different to singing in the studio.

Eventually I had recorded some kind of vocals for ‘Summer of 69’ and the guitar tracks. He wasn’t happy about me playing my guitar but I was adamant. Louis had wanted me to, as had Simon, so I won the battle. And the guitar bits sounded much better than my voice.

It was gone seven when Chris called it a day. We hadn’t even touched 'Seasons in the sun' yet, and they hadn’t mentioned the B side. I went home feeling very unhappy.

"You OK Niall?" Paul hadn’t said much on the journey home, and I hadn’t either.

"I guess…"

"It's tiring recording, I bet!"

"Especially when you can’t do it!"

"Problems…?"

"Major…" I heard the sob in my voice, and next thing I knew, Paul was pulling over onto a side street.

"Come on then Niall, spill!"

In between sobs, I told him everything. He shook his head and looked at me. "So, he isn’t telling you what you should be doing?"

"No… just that I’m not doing the right thing!"

"Why the fuck’s he doing that?"

"Because he hates me?"

"Niall, why would he hate you? He only met you today."

"Because I’m gay."

"Niall, you will have to stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Assuming that every time anyone doesn’t seem to agree with you or finds fault, it's because they’re homophobic. People have personality clashes, no matter what!"

"Then why?"

"I don’t know Niall. Why don’t you ask him?"

"I can’t do that!"

"Why not? You’re an adult for god’s sake. Just tell him you can tell there’s a problem, and what is it. And ask what you should be doing to sound better…?"

"I can’t do that, Paul."

"Pride goes before a fall…" I nodded. Paul was about the most sensible person in my mad life at the moment. He gave good advice and I trusted him – big time. He set off again, and didn’t mention it again until we were almost at Lily’s. (It was before he moved in.)

"So, I pick you up at 7:30 AM tomorrow Niall?" I nodded.

"And are you having a talk to Chris?"

"I suppose I’ll have to."

He laughed. "Niall, you have a lot to learn. Don’t be afraid to ask anyone for help, because it’s a crazy world you’re going to be living in. And don’t be too proud to ask!" He was right, but I wasn’t looking forward to asking. I didn’t sleep well that night.

As luck would have it, the studio was empty when I got there. I must have been early. I started playing a song I had written called 'Love is a crime’. It was about Liam leaving, or at least the inspiration behind it was.

"Nice and early. That’s one thing you can do right, then?" Chris’s voice made me jump.

I’d meant to be calm and rational, but I have a hell of a temper and I turned to look at him. "What the hell is your problem with me?"

He seemed a bit taken aback, obviously not expecting that. "Nothing," he answered finally.

"Oh, so you’re this nasty to everyone you work with?"

"I’m not nasty… I just get sick of having to baby ‘would be’ stars who look good and people think they would make good pop stars…"

"You don’t have to baby me. Just tell me what the fuck I’m doing wrong, so I can stop doing it!"

His eyes opened wide. "It's not that simple. You have to understand the music…"

"I do fucking understand the music… I’ve been playing for years. I’m doing a degree in it, for fuck’s sake!" I was beginning to get a grasp of his problem. 'The manufactured star’ bit, he obviously thought he had to do all the work. That I just wanted to waltz in and sing. "Look Chris, whatever you think of me... It's all about the music to me. Yeah, sure I want to be famous but…"

He looked at me. "That song you were just playing? You wrote it?"

"Yes..."

"Maybe you’re not just another would be Justin Bieber. Come on, and I’ll explain the recording before the techs get here…" he smiled at me. A proper smile this time, and I followed him gladly. "And a word of advice Niall, pop idols don’t swear like that!"

"This one does!"

Chris is now a good friend of mine. He’s taught me so much in the last ten months - about production techniques and the technicalities of the music industry in general. He’s produced both my singles and the album. And thanks to him I’ve even got my name on the production credits! He’s also played a major part in my battle to sing my kind of music, so it just goes to show… Don’t go on first impressions, and me being gay has never come into question either.

Paul and I arrived at the studios to finish the album, but I was still thinking of the rollercoaster my life had been over the last 10 months.

 

 

 

Liam's POV – reflections on the last 10 months.

 

I never thought teaching would be so damn physically tiring… and I’m not even qualified yet! Just on my first teaching practice… I hope I make it to the second. I’ve a load of books to mark tonight. The penalty for doing practice in a ‘good’ school, the kids actually do their homework.

I wonder if Daniel will be in… He’s my flat mate. We were both looking for somewhere to live in some dodgy lettings place, and it seemed only natural that we shared. We even found a decent place eventually – well I couldn’t kip on my classmate’s floor forever, could I? After I left Niall that day…

I had to go… I couldn’t stay knowing I could hold him back, and I couldn’t live with the guilt I’d cheated on him. OK, it was a one night stand, but it was with a woman. When I told him during that row, he passed out. On reflection, it was the worst thing I could have done to him.

I love Niall so much… I always have done, right from the start and through everything. My bastards of parents trying to split us up, him nearly dying… It's fucking ironic that it’s the other love of his life that’s come between us. And it's not his fault though! Knowing Niall, I bet he blames himself…

It's me. I’m selfish. I would watch him with the fans from the attic window, telling myself not to be stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Niall is so beautiful that it hurt me to watch him laughing and joking with all those girls. And he’s more than beautiful, he’s magnetic… He has this aura. Why the fuck did I lose the most precious thing in my life through jealousy? I had no reason to be jealous. Niall would never have been unfaithful, but I was…

I’ve made excuses for that time and time again – that I cheated on him because he was bound to cheat on me. The most pathetic excuse under the sun, I know!

I tried not to think about Niall when I left, tried not to imagine him... Laid in bed, or peeking over the covers, or in the shower singing, nor the way his blonde hair flopped in his eyes when he played the piano or the guitar. The way he bit his lip when he was nervous or anxious. I tried not to worry about his health… Was he eating properly, not losing weight? Was he going for his check ups? It was none of my concern, because I’d left him. Instead I went to work all the hours god sent at the docks, saving up for my training year and tried to move on.

But of course, I couldn’t… Jesus, everywhere I looked there was Niall. He was doing well, going to be big. His face smiled out from all the papers, he was on the TV all of the time, or at least that’s how it felt. And every Saturday night I would be glued to that fucking show, waiting to vote. I’d left him because of this, but I wanted him to make his dream come true. Reach for the stars.

I remember the day I found out he’d tried to kill himself. I’ll never forget it. I was at work, well on a break, and someone had left the paper in the little room. I was drinking my tea when I saw the headline, and I knew instinctively it was Niall…

I read it shaking, and I knew it was true. Some things I’d read in papers and know they were lies, but this was obviously the truth. My hand was in my pocket for my phone. I punched in Niall’s number and then sat there, thumb hovering over the button. But I couldn’t do it. I wanted to hear his voice so much, but I daren’t...

So I wrote him a letter, and I poured my heart out… I wanted him to understand. I didn’t want to make excuses, just for him to know I honestly thought it was for the best… Then, before I had a chance to think, I posted it.

Part of me hoped he’d call when he got it, part of me prayed he didn’t. Maybe he just didn’t care enough any more. I’d broken his heart, maybe he’d hardened it… But it didn’t stop me thinking about him.

So, he won the contest… Bless him. Just before his 21st birthday, and I knew I had to let him know I was so proud of him. I was a stupid twat, I should have just posted the cards… But I wanted to make sure he got the charm I’d had made for him. Maybe I just wanted to see him again.

Of course he came out. I didn’t get away fast enough, and he was there. And despite everything, I kept calm. I could sense how much he wanted to make up, and I did too, but with a wisdom I didn’t know I possessed... I told him why we couldn’t be together. And, miracle of miracles, he accepted it. Feeling him in my arms that last time, almost killed me. I wanted him so much, but I had to let go...

So I got on with life… Dan is a great mate… And no, he’s not gay. Far from it. In fact, he could be bonking the latest bird when I get in. I’ve never told him I’m gay. He’s never asked, but I think he knows. I never have girlfriends, but then I don’t have boyfriends either. No one matches Niall, or even comes close to him…

I’ve watched Niall’s career with interest. I was surprised when he came out… Maybe if I’d have stayed with him, we’d have had a chance. I wonder what pushed him to telling everyone. I was genuinely shocked when he told the world about his illness, but I was so proud of him. I knew how hard it was for him to talk about...

I knew he was always going to get to #1 with the first single, but when his version of 'Always' got to #1, I was over the moon. And I cant wait to hear his album… I miss his voice…

I carry the kids books in, and make a cup of tea before I start. For a wonder, Dan isn't shagging, but I guess he’s going out because he looks dead smart and smells like he’s drenched in Joop! He’s watching some entertainment programme. My heart misses a beat – they’re interviewing Niall.

"So Niall, two #1’s and a little bird tells me you’ve written the next single yourself?"

"Yes… I’m really excited about it, but nervous too."

"I can imagine. I understand the album’s out end of April, and you’ll be reunited with your pop idol friends for the tour in June?"

"That’s right…"

"Are you looking forward to it?"

"The album’s really exciting. I’ve written about half the songs on it, even though I haven’t got a title for it yet…"

"And the tour?"

"I’m scared…"

"Scared?"

"Ticket sales have been incredible… but singing for all those people…" He gave a heartwarming smile. "I’m bricking it really!"

He looked incredible… Thick blond hair, sexily ruffled… Blue eyes twinkling, and he was nice and slightly tanned. My heart ached with wanting him in my arms.

Dan looked up. "You off out tonight?"

"No… too much work!"

"Oh well… Better stay at hers then!" He looked at Niall… "Some people have all the luck… Imagine, he’s younger than me and rolling in it… Just for singing a few songs. Still, good luck to him. See ya tomorrow – probably!" He gave me a grin before he left.

I cried. Seeing Niall looking so good, made me so aware of what I’d lost. I’d read reports of the ticket sales for the tour and the advance orders for the album and they were phenomenal. Niall was learning to fly to great heights. I was happy for him, but I knew the higher he got, the less chance we ever had of getting back together again. And that was what made me cry.

Niall was, still is, my life. Pity I found out too late. In some ways, and this will sound terrible, I could have handled it better if he’d not have pulled through. Because all I would have is good memories… Now I have emptiness and the knowledge I threw it away, and I have to see him _everywhere_ …

I’d better get on with this marking… And yes, I do still wear the ring… On my left hand.

 

 

 

Niall's POV

 

Chris is waiting in the studio as me and Paul get there. "You’re late Niall."

"Sorry…"

"He overslept!" Paul dropped me right in it – the twat.

"Again?"

"I was writing songs… till late."

Chris laughed at that. "OK I’ll forgive you for that then… Let's hear them!"

Paul moved to the door. "Bacon sandwich and cup of tea then Ni?" I nodded, and gave him a grateful grin.

Writing songs is a form of exorcism, and most of my songs were love songs – about lost love. But not soppy and mushy. Well, some of them are but the one we’d picked for my third single and songwriting debut was a rocky pop number called 'That ain’t what love is about’. Sometimes I wondered if I knew what love was about at all. I had blown my chance at love so spectacularly.

"Any idea on the album title, Niall?"

I pulled out of my reverie. "Not a clue…"

He grinned. ‘I’d hurry up if I was you."

"Why does it have to be me?"

"Because you were the one who wanted to be creative. Have the input, remember?"

I groaned. "Yes…"

I worked hard that morning. I wanted to finish at a decent time, because I had something I wanted to do. I often went to Dublin Children’s Hospital, visiting the kids and before you go... 'yuck what a cliché!' let me explain. When it was suggested to me I hated the idea. I said no, in no uncertain terms.

It was back after the first single had gone into #1 and stayed there for what seemed a ridiculous amount of time to me. You can’t imagine how it feels to have a #1 single. Well if that’s the thing that you go for, that is! I’d been a nervous wreck for weeks, despite Simon and Louis telling me it was a forgone conclusion. That advance orders, and downloads would alone push it straight to the #1 position. To me, I could take nothing for granted.

So we sat on the day the charts would be announced. Me, Lily, Jack. Louis, Nic, Lou and Zayn all around Lily’s kitchen table. It was around lunchtime and although the charts wouldn’t be officially released to the public until seven that evening, Louis would get the chart position early. Any time, in fact.

I was almost shaking, nothing could distract me. The midweeks had been excellent, but I needed to know. Suddenly a wave of nausea hit me… The old nervous stomach was back with a vengeance.

"I need the loo!" I shot out of the kitchen and into the downstairs loo, vomiting up my breakfast or the little I had forced down in the first place. Praying that Louis didn’t get the call whilst my head was down the toilet.

I was on my knees when I became aware of someone behind me. "You OK Ni?" It was Zayn.

"Yeah… You know what I’m like… Have, have they rung yet?"

"No…" I felt his hand on my back rubbing gently – just like Liam used to do… It felt nice.

"You finished?"

"Think so…"

He got me a glass of water. "Come on, you don’t want to miss your big moment!" I gave him a weak grin.

Everyone gave me worried looks as I walked back in. "I’m fine, just the old nerves playing up again."

Then Louis’s mobile rang. I’ve never seen him answer the phone so quickly. His face was inscrutable. "And that’s a definite placing? Yes, I would like a fax of the sales figures… the usual number… Yes, Niall’s here with me. I’m sure he will do a radio link. Thanks again. Goodbye."

He placed his phone on the table, and I saw for a second that his hand trembled. "Well?" That was Lou. I seemed to have lost my voice.

"Niall went straight in at #1… Approximately 500,000 units sold, 150,000 more than his nearest rival…" Louis’s voice was calm and business like. I realised everyone seemed to be holding their breath. "Congratulations Niall…" and he grinned.

My mind couldn’t process the information. Half a million singles… #1… "Oh my god… " It was all I could say before I was buried under Lou and Zayn, slapping me on the back. Lily was crying, bless her, and Jack was opening a bottle of champagne.

"You have to speak on national radio tonight. They’ll call me and you’ll do it via phone. And you will be making lots of PA’s this week…" Louis was back to being my manager. I nodded.

"And I think I’ll ring the Pod – see if we can have a private party tonight. There’ll be a nice public one at the weekend at Lillies Niall…" He grinned again. "You did it kid… Welcome to the world of the famous…"

I didn’t know how I felt. Excited, relieved, scared… And then I wondered what Liam would think when he heard!

Anyway, I’m wandering off the point. Dublin Children’s Hospital got in touch with Louis, via Nic. They had a lot of chronically ill children and it seemed I was the inspiration to a lot of them, because of what I had gone through. They realised I was busy but if I could spare any time for a quick visit it would be much appreciated…

I looked at Louis blankly when he suggested it. "No, Louis…"

"Pardon?" He looked gobsmacked that I’d refused.

"You heard me… No!"

"Why ever not? We’re talking sick kids here, Niall."

"I know that Louis…"

"Sick kids who look up to you, who would maybe feel better for a few minutes if you stopped by and said hello."

I shrugged. I knew I was behaving like a big kid myself. A spoilt kid at that, but I couldn’t explain the feelings of terror the thoughts of walking into that hospital had sent through me.

"Don’t take that attitude with me, Niall Horan. What happened to the nice kid from Mullingar who would do anything for anyone? Jesus, it hasn’t taken you long to get into the star attitude!"

"It's not that…"

"Then what is it?"

I lost it. "Why do you care? All this is for you is more publicity, free publicity. Me in the papers… You don’t care about how I feel…!"

He was taken aback. "Niall, it's not like that. If you don’t want it to get in the papers or the media, it won’t…"

"NO!"

"I don’t believe this… That you are the same person who gave £30,000 to Mullingar Regional, yet won’t go and visit a few ill kids…"

"I can’t!" I turned round and left his office.

I went straight home and up to my attic, and I howled. Because I knew I was being unfair, selfish even, but I also knew I couldn't walk into that hospital and be with kids… Children who might not be as lucky as I had been… I couldn’t face the fear, the memories, and the feeling that it could be me all over again.

I stayed up there a long time and was only disturbed when the door opened. "I’m OK!" before Lily even asked.

"Wasn’t going to ask you that?" It was Zayn.

"Oh…"

"I was going to ask you why you didn’t turn up… We were going for a drink remember?"

Oh shit. I’d totally forgotten arranging a quiet drink with Zayn. He was going through a rough patch since he and Perrie had split. "I’m sorry… I got… a little caught up…"

"Sure… looks like it Niall…"

"There’s no need to be clever about it… Something came up OK?"

"There’s no need to explain Niall… I just came by to see if you were OK…"

"I’m fine!"

"Really Niall? You usually lay crying your eyes out when you’re OK? Frightening…"

"Zayn…"

"Is it Liam?" His question was direct and out of the blue and took me totally by surprise… I shook my head.

"Then what is it?"

"I can’t tell you!"

"I thought we were friends…"

"We are…"

"Then you can tell me anything, Niall…" He emphasised the _‘anything’_  . "Anything at all… You know I don’t judge you…"

I sat up and looked at him. Zayn was so easy to talk to. "Louis wanted to me to go and see sick kids at Dublin General…" He nodded. "You know, he was giving me the spiel about how nice it would be for them but I know he’s thinking publicity as well…"

"As always. But you know that…"

"I know… but… but…"

"You don’t want to go?" Again direct… Zayn didn’t mince words or beat around the bush, which was why I thought a lot of him.

I shook my head… "No… I don’t!"

"So what did you tell Louis?"

"That I didn’t want to go!"

"Shit. Bet that went down well?"

"Like a lead balloon… he doesn’t understand me!"

"He’d be a good one if he could! So why don’t you want to go…?"

I shivered and bit my lip… I could just say I didn’t have time, couldn’t be bothered. But I knew Zayn wouldn’t fall for that one… I had to tell him the truth – he was too good at sussing out lies…

"I’m scared Zaynie!"

"Of seeing sick kids?"

I nodded. "Not just that… It was me a few years ago Zayn… I don’t want to have it all dragged up again. I don’t want reminding and… and I don’t want to walk in and feel guilty… Because some of those kids will die, and I was the lucky one…" I felt a tear drip down my nose.

"Oh Niall…" Warm arms were holding me tightly. I buried my face into his chest and sobbed. We sat like that a while. Zayn didn’t make any attempts to question me or persuade me, or try and stop me crying – he just held me… till I sat up and wiped my eyes.

"Thanks Zee."

"No problems…" He gave me a little smile. "I do understand… sort of anyway… You’re scared of it bringing back the past… guilty that some of these kids won’t survive… and you did… But Niall, that’s not your fault. You can’t feel guilty about that… You survived… lots of kids will – some won’t. It's life, not you!"

I nodded. "What am I going to do Zee?"

"You have to explain to Louis, so he doesn’t think you’re just getting a swollen head…"

"I can’t Zayn… I feel…"

"Then the only other option is to just do it! And it might be hard, but imagine how happy you will make some of those kids…" I closed my eyes. I had known from the beginning I would end up going. Call it intuition, but I knew Louis wouldn’t let it drop. He was a manipulative bastard at times. And there was no way out apart from me looking the biggest most selfish bastard on earth. But the thought made me shiver.

Zayn looked at me. "You can do it Niall… and if you want, I’ll come with you!"

"You mean that?"

"Sure, if Louis lets me…"

I took a deep breath. "He won’t get a say in it if he wants me to do it at all…"

"So you will do it?" I nodded.

"Good… you’ll feel better after Niall. Now go and wash your face, and let's go for that drink!"

 

I did as he said. But he didn’t know the whole truth, that I was scared of the memories of my past. I was scared it might become my future again.

So it was a very scared me that found himself in a people carrier with Zayn and Louis a few days later on my way to the biggest children’s hospital department in Dublin… I had rung Louis and apologised for my behaviour, said of course I would go but would prefer it if the media didn’t find out. He may have been puzzled at my change of heart and a little disappointed about my lack of making it public, but he agreed willing.

Zayn smiled at me. "It’ll be alright Niall…" I nodded, my mouth was already dry. This was irrational but I was shitting myself, big time.

Which didn’t get any better as I walked into the hospital. The antiseptic smell made my stomach tighten… the pale green walls were a flashback to Mullingar Regional four years ago. I felt myself start to shake. I forced myself to breathe steadily, hoping no one could see the state I was in.

Louis was talking to some doctor… I didn’t pay much attention only when I heard them mention my name, then I looked up.

"Niall, come and meet Dr Simpson…"

"Hi…" my voice sounded normal to my relief. I shook his hand.

"Hiya Niall, it's great to meet you! And thanks for giving up your time, I expect you’re very busy…"

"You could say that... But it's no problem. Glad to help…" God, I was turning into an A class liar!

"The kids I wanted you to see have a variety of problems but they’re all long term or regular patients… and there’s quite a few fans in there…" I forced a smile, over the sickness in my stomach.

"We’d better get going, before they riot…" I followed him, stomach in knots.

The kids were in small wards that held between two and four . The décor was bright and cheerful, and I felt myself relax the tiniest fraction. Maybe this wasn’t too bad…?

And it wasn’t. They were nice kids, all so excited to see me – and Zayn, he was obviously an unexpected bonus and had quite a few fans. I sat and chatted, had pictures taken, signed autographs, and promised to come back… Quite a few of the kids pulled at my heartstrings. One girl in particular - Chloe, a twelve year old with cerebral palsy who was so sweet… and brave.

None of them mentioned my illness, but I found myself telling them… Telling them that miracles did happen, that I was living proof they could go for their dreams. And it seemed to work! I was almost sorry to leave, and I knew I had been irrational with my fear. If I could make even the smallest difference to these kids - then I wanted to.

As I followed the doctor round the wards my attention was taken by an argument breaking out in a small room off the corridor nearest the nurses station. I could hear a teenage boy’s voice. "Well fuck off, then… You never listen to what I want…" I gave the doctor a questioning look.

"That’s Jack, he’s fourteen… and quite a handful…"

I watched his parents come out of the room, they looked exhausted… "Mind if I see him…?"

Dr Simpson twisted nervously. "Well he’s not a pop fan… and… and..." He looked me in the eye. "He has acute myloid leukaemia!"

Trying to control the rapid increase in my heart beat, I looked him in the eye. "And?" The doctor looked at Jack’s parents. They nodded their assent. Taking a deep breath and praying I wasn’t doing the wrong thing - I followed the doctor.

Jack was laid in the bed attached to drips and I guessed from a few tell tale signs he was just nearing the end of a chemo session. He was pale and thin, and had a hell of a hostile expression. He glared at me as I walked in.

"Jack, this is Niall Horan, he’s visiting in the …"

"I know he is! It's all those stupid girls have talked about for days!" He gave me another glare.

"Well he thought…"

"I don’t care…"

The doctor looked at me. "You don’t have to stay…"

"No, I want to…" Jack gave me an incredulous and frankly pissed off stare.

There was silence for a second. I turned to the doctor. "You can leave me…" Then it was just the two of us.

To be honest, I didn’t know why I was doing this. The kid obviously didn’t want me there, but the stubborn twat in me made me want to talk to him, get to know him. We looked at each other. Well, I looked - he glared…

"I’m not some sort of a freak show you know!"

"I know you’re not, Jack…" I looked round for somewhere to sit, and pulled up a chair.

"Make yourself at home, why don’t you?"

"I’m sorry… do you mind?"

He shrugged. "Please yourself…"

Silence again. I stole a quick look at him. Smallish, blond hair that was obviously natural, only he was losing patches of it, green eyes, Eminem T shirt…

"You’re the pop singer, aren’t you?" he said it in a tone that someone would say 'rat catcher'.

"Yes…"

"I hate pop… all that manufactured crap…"

I tried not to grin. "I can see your point."

"But you sing it!"

"Not always… I’m more into rock really…"

He shrugged. "So you’re a hypocrite too?"

"Not really. I’m going to make my own music…"

"Oh yeah… Seasons in the sun…" He sneered.

"I happen to like that song… it means a lot to me…"

"It's about fucking dying, man!"

"I know, that’s what I meant…"

"Easy for you to say… You’re not the one who’s dying…" It hit me then. He wasn’t a pop fan, and so didn’t know about me. I was just the geek who all the girls screamed for.

"No, I’m not… But I was…"

His head shot up. "Whaddya mean?"

"Only that I was like you a few years ago..."

His eyes registered surprise. "You’re shitting me up?"

"No, I’m not. I had childhood AML when I was three, and Adult AML when I was seventeen…"

"No shit?"

"No shit!"

"Fuck…" It occurred to me I maybe should be mentioning his language, but I had been there… And I’m not a saint!

"So how come?"

"How come what?"

"You’re still alive?"

"I had a bone marrow transplant!"

"Oh!"

There was another silence but not as antagonistic, and I felt him looking at me. "So how close did you come to dying?"

I bit my lip. "Close enough."

He looked at me. "Hey, you started this convo!"

"I know."

"So, you don’t want to talk about it?"

"Do you?"

"Sure. I don’t mind a bit. I know I’m going to die…" I said nothing. He grinned. "So, you’re not like the rest saying 'don’t think like that!' ?"

‘I can’t. I’ve been there, remember…"

He nodded and gave me a smile. A genuine one, a hint of sadness playing on his lips. "So, you going to tell me?"

 

I think Louis and Zayn wondered what the hell had happened to me. I was in there with Jack over an hour. I didn’t tell him everything. Some things are way too personal, and I didn’t tell him about Liam. I didn’t know how he would take it. I didn’t know him well enough yet. But I told him of my resentment and anger and despair, about my stubbornness and how I had been determined to die. He listened with the odd comment that revealed to me his fear and loneliness.

"So you really were fucking lucky then?"

"Absolutely!"

He looked at me. "You really find it hard to tell me how close you came to dying, don’t you?" I nodded.

"I won’t ask then… Jesus I’d have never thought it…"

"You can’t judge by appearances…"

"I guess not…" He gave me a cheeky grin. "Do wimpish pop singers play computer games?"

"This one does…" I picked up the playstation controller he handed me. I guess I was accepted.

Finally, I knew I had to go. "My manager’s going to kill me…"

"I bet… It's just an excuse, because I’m whooping your ass…"

"It so is not. I’ll come back and teach you how to really play, if you want me to?"

"Bring it on!"

I shook his hand. "See you soon then."

"Sure… and thanks Niall…"

The corridor was deserted when I got out, only a nurse. She smiled at me. "You survived then?"

"He’s a great kid"

"He can be a brat, but he has a lot to put up with. He’s just come out of remission after two years and it’s the third time in total…" I bit my lip. I knew what all this meant far more than the average bystander. It wasn’t the best of situations.

"Anyway, your manager and friend are in the café with Jack’s parents…"

"Thanks…"

Zayn gave me a broad smile as I walked in, and I was relieved to see that Louis didn’t look angry either…

Jack’s mam held out her hand. "Thank you for spending time with my son Niall. I know it's not easy…"

I shook her hand. "It's no trouble, not at all. I can relate to him a lot…"

"I’m Diane by the way, and this is Peter…" I shook his hand too. "We read about you having leukaemia as a child. You must be an inspiration to these kids…"

I laughed. "Not to your son… Only for my playstation abilities…"

"He’s not the easiest child to get on with…"

"He’s fourteen and seriously ill… you have to make exceptions…"

"We try, Niall… We do try…"

"I’m not saying you don’t…" I smiled. "It's just easier for me - because I’ve been there. I know how scared he is, and how he’s trying to hide it. If it's OK with you, I’d like to come back and see him again."

"Of course, and we can’t thank you enough…"

Louis was fussing about my schedule as we drove away, but I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about Jack, and about me when I was younger. I had been very lucky – in more ways than just surviving. Because my parents had made the greatest of exceptions. My sexuality.

I smiled at the memory of that first meeting with Jack as I wrapped up my day in the studio. I visited the hospital and all the kids regularly, but Jack more often. He was like another kid brother. We had an easy relationship that had weathered a couple of storms. He was back in again after going home in between chemo, so I rang the ward and asked to speak to him.

"Hiya kid!"

"Hey Ni! What you up to?"

"Just finished in the studio… Thought I’d drop by and whoop your ass for once at some game…"

"Great! I’m bored as fuck…"

"Jack! Language..."

"That’s rich coming from you!"

I laughed. "Want me to bring a pizza or are you still throwing up?"

"Haven’t since last night, so pizza sounds great. Better than the shit here…"

"OK, see you soon squirt!"

I turned to Paul. "Can you drop me at the hospital via Pizza Hut?"

"Jack?"

"Jack."

"OK, come on…" Paul knew Jack well too. Me and him were about the only ones who really got on with the kid.

 

"See you tomorrow Chris…"

"See ya Niall… Don't forget about the album title, because if it’s released as ‘Niall Horan’, I shall fucking chuck up!"

"Sure…" I smiled as we drove away. My life wasn’t perfect considering there was no Liam, but on the whole, it was pretty good at the minute!

 

 

 

 

"I’ll go in for the pizza, Paul!"

"No way kid!"

"Paul!"

"Don’t ‘Paul’ me in that tone of voice, Niall. You know if you go in there we’ll be here all night. Wait here, and what are we having?"

"Cheese and Tomato and ham and pineapple with mushrooms…" I sounded sulky. I knew Paul was right. To go into a crowded restaurant at tea time would have been asking for trouble – well not trouble, but certainly a long delay. That was the downside of fame. Sometimes I just wanted to do the same things as I’d always done, but I couldn’t. And it was only going to get worse…

Paul wasn’t that long and we were soon on our way to Dublin General. I cleared my throat. "I’m sorry Paul, you know, for back there…"

"No probs… "

"But I was being a spoilt brat…"

"Nah you weren’t. Trust me - I’ve seen a spoiled brat before… " He gave me a grin. "Niall, I do understand it must be very frustrating for you not to be able to do everything you’ve always done… but you have to also understand I do know what I’m doing. My job is your safety. Twenty-four/seven!"

"I know…"

"And when you’ve been in this crazy world a bit longer, you’ll read the situations better. But until then…"

"You know best…"

We were at the hospital now. "You coming in?"

"No. Give me a ring when you want to come home. I’ve a few things to do…"

"OK." I raised my hand and waved as he drove away.

Jack was watching TV when I walked in, but he looked up with a big smile. "Hiya Ni!"

"Hiya trouble… Your dinner is delivered…" I placed the pizza box in front of him.

"Thanks! I’m starving…"

"Good sign…"

"Not really… I’ll probably throw it back up, anyway."

"Thanks for that info – a little too much detail…" But I knew what he meant. I’d been there, remember? He tore into the pizza. I wasn’t far behind, I hadn’t eaten much all day. I’d been too much into the recording.

"So, what you been up to?"

"Watching TV, bugging the nurses. The usual… How about you?"

"Recording…"

"Oh… making more crap…" He winked at me.

"You could say that!" I didn’t rise to the bait. I knew he didn’t mean anything bad by it. It was just Jack.

We played a few games and watched some TV. Demi Levato was on. Jack grinned. "Hot babe…"

"Jack, how old are you?"

"Old enough, trust me!"

I laughed. "Ni, she’s gorgeous… Don’t you think so? Oops… Forgot, she’s the wrong sex for you…" He winked at me.

"I can still appreciate her!" Jack was so easy about my sexuality. I remembered when he had first discovered I was gay.

 

I hadn’t been going to see him long, there was a lot I didn’t know about him at this stage and a lot he didn’t know about me. I know my sexuality was public knowledge, but he was sick and he wasn’t interested in Niall Horan, pop idol. He was interested in Niall the person who’d beaten leukaemia twice. It had never honestly crossed my mind to tell him – he was the one person I felt didn’t judge me.

So I went in. I’d brought some music and computer game magazines. He had a sulky expression on his face, and I wondered if he’d had a run in with someone or was simply feeling shit.

"Hi Jack!" No answer.

"How you feeling?" Still no answer. I sat down. He’d talk when he was ready.

There was a long silence, then he looked at me. "How long you planning on staying?"

"I hadn’t thought."

"Because I’d rather you go."

Now I was taken aback. "Why? You not feeling so good?"

He shrugged. "I’d just rather you didn’t come and see me that’s all!"

"Why? What have I done?"

"You didn’t tell me."

"Tell you what?" I was feeling like the original dumb blonde here.

"That you were gay!"

My heart sank. "I didn’t think it would make a difference… I thought you knew…"

"Why should I have…?"

"Everyone else does… Does it really make a difference?"

"Of course it does! I don’t want to be friends with you… you… you shag other men…"

I blinked back the tears. "It's not like that, Jack…"

"Isn’t it?"

"No…" My voice cracked, and he looked at me for the first time. "It's about love, and I can’t help who I love, and I’m damned if I should apologise for that. But I can’t honestly see how it makes a difference to us…"

"Jesus…"

"No Jack… Listen… I’ll go if that’s what you want, but let me ask you something first. Have you ever known a gay person before? Have you?"

He shook his head. "Then you’re judging me before you even know me…" I stood up. "I’m sorry you feel like that Jack. I hope everything goes OK for you…" I got to the door, then I heard a sob. I turned around. Jack had his face in his hands. I went back to the bed.

"Jack…"

"I’m… I’m sorry… I don’t know what to think…"

"I know Jack. It's hard to understand…" Jesus, I had a problem getting my head round it even now. No matter how many people had asked me when I realised I was gay - I could never pinpoint an exact time. It was as though it was something I’d always been aware of. Not aware, but aware I was. Not different exactly, but not conventional. And then when I’d met Liam… Every bone in my body had told me I loved the guy, in every sense of the word. Far more than sex. And I had to try and explain that to Jack.

"I feel I should … I dunno… Feel sick or something. I mean…" He looked me in the eyes. "You fancy men right? Probably have shagged them… And it's… I mean, it's something we’re told is wrong. Big sin, right?"

I nodded, knowing I was bright red. One thing I had learned about Jack was that I had to be 100% honest with him. He could read lies a mile off.

"But… Jesus, Niall. I really like you… You’re my best mate, because you know how I feel. I don’t have to explain or anything. You just know… You know when I really can’t be bothered, or when I’ve just got the arse on, and I am playing up cos I know I can get away with it…" It was his turn to go red…

"That’s because I’ve been there, remember…" I grinned at him.

"Niall… oh god I’m sorry. I’m a little shit at times. I do want you to keep visiting… Fuck, you’re the only person who gets me through this. I, I guess I was mad that you didn’t tell me yourself…"

"I didn’t know you didn’t know Jack, that’s the honest truth…"

"I don’t read pop mags Niall, you should know that…" He wiped his arm over his eyes.

"It was everywhere, though Jack. Papers, news, TV…"

"I was probably going through a rough patch… Will you give me another chance?"

I laughed. "Forget you ever mentioned it. But, can I ask how you found out…?"

"Our Jason told me…"

It figured. Jason was Jack’s older brother. He was about nineteen, and for some reason he seemed to resent me being around. I didn’t know why. Now I wondered if it was some kind of homophobia. But I didn’t let this show, so I just shrugged.

"It doesn’t change the person I am, Jack…"

"Yeah I see that now."

And that was it. OK, he made little jokes about me not fancying women, but on the whole it never came up again. He was the same as he always had, and we became closer friends as we spent time together.

In many ways, I wished I’d had an older friend when I was sick. OK, I’d had Liam who had been amazing, but I wished I could have talked over my feelings and fears the way Jack talked to me. Not saying I was much good at answering him, but sometimes answers aren’t what we’re looking for... Are they?

So that night we sat 'appreciating' Demi Levato. Jack looked at me.

"Ni, you know when you are really a big star?"

"Thought I was now!" I winked at him.

"I mean in the States and everywhere… You know, really big…"

"Yes…?" I had to smile at the way he figured I was going to be this megastar, and I played along.

"Can you bring Demi Levato to visit me?"

"I don’t see why not…"

"Good… I mean, she’d make a dying man very happy…"

His tone was cheerful enough, joking, but I read between the lines. "Jack, please don’t talk like that…"

"Why not… it's true?"

"You don’t know that…"

"Niall, I’m out of remission for the third time, and the chemo’s not working…"

I felt my heart fall. "They told you that, mate?"

"No… It's what they don’t say, remember…?"

I knew that. "There’s other options Jack…"

"I know but… I don’t think it's wise to get my hopes up, if you know what I mean." He gave me a sad smile.

I leaned over and hugged him. "It will be OK, Jack. Look at me, I..."

"But you had something to offer the world… "

"And so have you…"

"Like what?"

"You’re the strongest kid I know, and you are capable of so much love and emotion… It will work out Jack…"

"OK Niall. Let's believe that for now."

 

I had to call Paul quite early. I needed to get some sleep. I needed to be able to work the next day and get the album finished. As always, Jack understood. He was exhausted too. I remembered being that tired. It’s a kind of tiredness you can’t explain, that however much you sleep - you’re still drained.

But I didn’t sleep. I kept thinking of Jack. I wasn’t stupid, far from it. I knew it wasn’t looking good for him, but I had to keep praying and hoping. I’d grown very close to the kid. He was like another younger brother, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him.

So I had dark circles under my eyes when I arrived at the studios the next day. I was very quiet as well, and I knew people were anxious, but as usual - it took Paul to mention anything.

We were driving home – it was quite late and he had offered to let me drive. To his surprise I’d refused. "You not feeling well Niall?"

"I’m OK… why?"

"Well, you turned down a chance to drive…"

"I can’t concentrate… Sorry…"

"No problem. Better to say no. I don’t want you crashing my baby…" Any other time, I would have smiled – he was attached to the people carrier, but I was not smiling tonight – I guess he knew there was something wrong.

"OK Niall, spill. What the hell is bothering you? Is it the thoughts of having to do the Pop Idol tour with Drew again…?"

I hadn’t even given that a thought, though me and Drew didn’t get on at all. "No. It's... Jack."

"Oh…" Paul went silent.

"I’m scared Paul. Scared he’s going to die…"

Paul still didn’t say anything. "He’s fourteen, for Christ’s sake. And why the fuck don’t you say something?" My anger spilled over, and he was the only one around to bear the brunt of it.

"What can I say Niall? I can’t tell you not to be so stupid, that he’s not going to die because we don’t know that… And you know the details better than me. I can’t tell you what you want to hear…"

I leaned back against the headrest. "I know that, Paul … And I’m sorry…"

"Don’t be. I can understand your frustration, but yes, he’s only fourteen… You were only seventeen. Three years isn’t a lot of difference, Niall…"

"Oh, there is Paul… I’d met Liam by then. I’d lived, fallen in love… It makes the world of difference…" Then I shut up. What was the point…? I was now going to depress myself even more by thinking of what I’d thrown away. There was no sense in dragging Paul into that depression.

 

I woke up, and still felt down. It was a bit of a shock. Yes I’d been depressed when Liam had left me, but it was a different kind of feeling… A depression I’d grown to live with. OK, odd times I still cried, but it didn’t intrude on my day to day life. 

It was the final day of recording and miracle of miracles it would be finished. Thanks to Chris and his team’s tireless work. They were talking about going out and partying.

"What do you say, Niall? You up for it?"

"Up for what?" I hadn’t been concentrating.

"Hitting the town tonight…"

"Don’t think so…"

"Oh, don’t be a spoilsport, Horan… We’ve already asked your manager and your minder if we can take you out, and got the green light…"

"I think I’d ruin your night the way I’m feeling!"

Chris looked at me. "You not so hot kid?"

"I’m just in a mood…" He laughed.

"Come out and get pissed then! It's the best cure there is…"

They were so up for it, I couldn’t let them down. So I agreed to it. I would ring Lou and Zayn as well – see if they wanted to go. Maybe Chris was right…? Maybe it would be the best cure? I couldn’t feel any more down, after all.

To my surprise Simon and Louis turned up in the afternoon. "Well then, Niall… I hear it's done…"

"It's recorded. Still needs post production…"

"But you finally met the deadline… I kept moving it for you…" Simon winked at me.

"Thank you…"

"Right! What's the title…?"

"Haven’t a clue…" All I wanted was to go home, get a couple of hours sleep, and a shower before hitting the town.

"I like it!"

Simon was being sarcastic as always. I raised an eyebrow. I could see Louis’ brain ticking.

"How about 'No answers'?"

I nodded. It was cryptic, and I liked that. "That’s good Louis… but why?"

"Because we have no answers… to anything really…"

I could see Simon wasn’t impressed, but he could think of nothing better, so he agreed to it. As a working title, anyway. So I was free to go.

"You don’t mind about tonight Paul…?"

"Of course not! The lads have been planning it for days. You’ve made them a lot of money, Niall."

"I have?"

"Yes… In overtime on this damned album."

I had to grin at that.

 

Both Zayn and Lou were up for the night out. I brightened up a bit as I woke after a nap and very good Irish stew courtesy of Lily. Maybe I was just exhausted? Maybe now the album was recorded? I had rung Jack, and he didn’t sound too bad. He would be allowed home at the weekend and I promised to visit him there. Then it would be full steam into the single promo and tour rehearsals. I might not get many chances to relax, I was going to make the most of it.

Zayn and Lou were already in the Spy Bar when me and Paul got there. Lou hugged me. "Hiya mate! Seems to have been ages…"

It probably hadn’t, but we were that used to seeing each other on an almost daily basis, that a few months had seemed like forever… Zayn gave me a hug too.

"Hi Ni. You’re looking good." Him and me saw each other more often, but he had been caught up in this boyband thing for a while, and I’d been stuck in the studio.

"It's good to see you both… What are you all having?"

 

The drink flowed that night. I had actually cut down on my drinking since my student days, and it didn’t seem to take much for me to be on the floor. The Spy Bar led to the Pod and then back to Lillies. By this point we had lost Lou and most of the crew.

I was past dancing by this stage. I just sat and watched, the next thing I realised, Zayn was sat next to me.

"So, you OK Niall?"

I nodded, no doubt with a stupid grin on my face. "I, I fin-finished the album… At fucking last!"

"I know mate." He slapped me on the back, and left his hand resting there…

"So… how…how's the boyband…?"

"I left Niall. It wasn’t me."

"Jesus… So what are you gonna do…?"

"No idea. I mean, I’m doing the pop idol tour with you of course… After that’s a mystery…"

I was speechless. Well, the excess alcohol helped with that. He continued. "And Perrie, she came to see me, told me she’d made a mistake…"

"Oh… " What could I say? "So you… you two are back together then?"

"No. I did a lot of thinking during the last few months…"

"Dangerous… " I giggled.

"No Niall. I mean it. And I came to the conclusion that… that she wasn’t what I’d wanted. That-that I’d been living a lie…" He sounded serious, and I began to realise that he wasn’t anywhere near as drunk as I was. I looked at him.

"Ni…" He lowered his voice even though there was no one around us. Even Paul was a distance away. Close enough to keep his eye on me for trouble, but far enough away so I had my privacy. "Niall, I feel awful saying this now… Especially when you’re hammered but, but I’ll never have the courage to say this when you’re sober. I… think… I think I love you…"

I gazed at him. "Zee… Don’t…"

"I know you won’t love me, and I shouldn’t have said anything and… oh why the fuck…"

"Zee, I’m gay… You’re not…"

"Maybe I’m not…? Maybe I’m bi-sexual…? I don’t know, Niall. Only I’ve spent nights and nights and months and months trying to work it out… And it comes back to one thing. I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and gorgeous as well… I’m… sorry…"

He made to move away, but I caught his hand. "Don’t be sorry… but… but…I don’t think we should be talking about this in here…"

He shook his head. I stood up, albeit very unsteadily. "Want to come back to mine…? Talk this over?"

He nodded, and helped me over to Paul. "I’ve had enough mate, and so’s Zayn. Can you take us home?"

"Sure… Where do you want dropping off, Zayn?"

"He can spend the night at mine…"

 

Paul gave me a look when we got in… "Zee, can you get him upstairs without waking the entire house?"

"Yeah… Thanks for the lift Paul…"

"No problem… Be good…"

I don’t remember climbing all those stairs, but I must have done, because the next thing I knew I was falling onto the bed… "Fuck… the room’s moving…"

Zayn didn’t say a word, so with difficulty I sat up and focused on him. "What's up mate?"

"This wasn’t such a good idea. Me, coming here… to talk…"

"Why not?"

"Because you’re pissed…"

"I remember you said you thought you loved me!"

He looked surprised. "And how do you feel about that Niall?"

"Surprised… You’re straight!"

"I don’t know any more Niall… Is it as clear cut as that? Gay or straight? Isn’t there an inbetween…? Where you can love a person regardless of their sex - because of the person they are…? That’s how I feel about you!"

My eyes widened. Mainly because I honestly hadn’t seen this coming. And because… Well, maybe it was due to the alcohol, but I was finding Zayn increasingly attractive. But there were so many things stopping me… The fact we were friends, and I didn’t want to lose that friendship. And the fact that Zayn wasn’t gay, and regardless of what he was saying, I didn’t want him to rush into this and regret it. And at the back of my mind was Liam… There had been no one for me since Liam and… and I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

"Zee, this is crazy…"

"I know… and I wish to god I’d never mentioned it, but, looking at you laid there… I know how I feel right now…"

"But what if you don’t feel like this in the morning…? Afterwards…?"

"We’ll never know… unless…"

Suddenly he was alongside me on the bed, almost hesitantly taking me into his arms… "Niall… please…"

His lips were on mine. Sweet, innocent, soft… His hands stroking my back through my shirt. My hands were already pulling at his shirt. My body acting on its own after the long months of celibacy. His tongue was in my mouth, and I tangled my hands in his hair. Wrapping my legs round his waist, and pulling him to me…

He murmured soft words into my mouth. I could just make them out. "So… beautiful… love you Niall…" I pulled him closer to me. and I knew he could feel my erection, in the confines of my trousers.

My shirt was undone, and I hadn’t even felt him do it… His lips were now teasing my nipple, licking round it then blowing gently on the damp skin… "Ohhhhhhh." I thrust my hips at him… Jesus, to say he was a newcomer at this, he was good! He was now kissing my belly, knelt either side of my hips, hands feverishly tearing at the fastening on my trousers. My hands were on his arse. Feeling the firmness, pulling us even closer to each other.

Most of it is just a blur… The tremor of anticipation when the cooler air hit my freed erection… Him moving back up, my body trapping me underneath him, me thrusting and rubbing my erection against his soft belly, my orgasm taking me to great heights then falling…

And what happened next is just a blur too. I remember removing his jeans and his underwear, taking him into my mouth… His hands in my hair, his little cry as he reached release… I remembered him pullling me alongside him, holding me close. "That was amazing, Niall…" Then… We must have fallen asleep.

But I remember waking in the early hours… The drink was less evident and I remembered what had happened. It had been good. Really good. I’d needed release after all these months. I’d never thought about sex, but I realised I’d missed it… And more so this feeling of being curled up against someone, warm and safe, no longer alone.

But I remembered it hadn’t been with Liam… I’d done sexual things in our bed with someone else, and the pain hit me with full force. "Liam…" The sob slipped out before I could stop it. I hoped to god Zayn hadn’t heard me – it wasn’t his fault… It was mine. Crying silent tears, I lay there for a long time…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try and update on Friday :)


	18. E-I-G-H-T-E-E-N

I must have fallen asleep again, because the next thing I knew, daylight was streaming through the windows. My eyes felt sticky and I realised it was the tears that had dried there. My head was thumping, and my mouth was dry – classic hangover! I was trying to avoid looking at the pillow next to me where Zayn was laid. Trying to deny it had happened.

Did that make me a bad person? Zayn was my friend, one of my best friends… I wouldn’t hurt him for the world, but he had taken me by surprise. I had never suspected he was harbouring feelings for me like that, never even suspected he might have any doubts about his sexuality. To say I was gay, I was very naïve in a lot of ways, because I had only ever loved Liam…

But Zayn had made me feel good… OK, so I might have been drunk, but I hadn’t thought it was Liam when Zayn was kissing me… Did I love Zayn in that way? I knew the answer was no at the moment, because I hadn’t let go of Liam… But maybe in time I could grow to love Zayn...?  Shit, what a mess…

 

"Niall… you OK?"

I turned to face Zayn… he looked… different… slightly sad…

"Yes…"

"Don’t lie to me Niall."

"Zayn…"

"It's OK Niall… We made a mistake last night… too much drink, both of us lonely…"

"You mean you regret it?"

He bit his lip and tried not to look at me… "No Niall, I don’t regret it… it was amazing…"

"But…?"

"But it's not the right time, is it Ni? You don’t love me… not like that anyway!"

"Zayn… I… I…"

"Niall shhh," he touched my lips with his fingers… "I wanted you, and I picked my time well… I shouldn’t have done that, waited till you were pissed and lonely… but… as much as anything I was testing my feelings…"

"And?"

"And, I guess I definitely aren’t as straight as I thought… but… but I realise… we’re friends Niall… I hope that never changes… I hope to god last night hasn’t changed that…" I shook my head. "I know you still love Liam Niall… and… and as selfish as it seems… I’d only want you if I knew you weren’t wanting someone else… I’m never going to be Liam…"

"Zayn, I feel awful… like I used you…"

"Don’t! Because I used you just as much… let's put it down to experience and move on."

I nodded, but I had to ask. "Did you hear me crying for Liam last night then? Is that how you knew I still loved him…?"

"I did hear you, yes. But I knew before… I just blocked it out. Come on, let's go get some breakfast…"

He made to get out of the bed. I caught his arm. "Zayn… thank you."

"For what?"

"Being so understanding…"

He smiled and kissed me on the forehead.

 

We had breakfast and Zayn left just before lunch. I had a meeting with Louis to discuss the single promo. Lily hadn’t paid too much attention to Zayn staying over – he and Lou often had in the past, but I felt different… as though it was written over me.

Paul took me to Louis’ office… "You OK Niall?"

"Yeah… why?"

"You had a lot to drink last night, thought you might be suffering…"

I shook my head. "Not really…"

"You and Zayn OK?"

"Paul, what the fuck are you getting at…?"

"Niall, I was watching last night. Something happened between you. I know it's none of my business but… well I like you kid, I worry about you…"

I groaned and lay my head back against the headrest… "Was it that obvious? Did anyone else see?"

"It was only obvious when he took you upstairs, so don’t worry about that. I just don’t want you to get hurt…" he went a bit red… "I know how hard it is for people in the spotlight to build relationships, and it sure as hell must be harder for you."

I sighed. "Yeah, something happened.. but it’s not going to happen again."

"He made a mistake?"

"No, I did. It's OK Paul, we both put it down to being pissed and lonely. No hard feelings…"

"So why was it your mistake?"

I couldn’t believe I was sat in Dublin traffic talking about my sex life with Paul. "He wasn’t Liam!"

"Oh…" he waited for the lights to change. "Niall, I never met Liam… he must have been very special for you to still feel like this about him…"

"He is… I love him Paul…"

"Then why don’t you find him and tell him?"

I shook my head. "It wouldn’t work Paul… it's not the right time…"

Paul shrugged his shoulders. "It's none of my business really but if you still love him that much after all this time… and it's stopping you forming other relationships… Niall there might never be a ‘right’ time, you of all people should know that! Well, we never know how much time we will have… any of us…"

He was right, but …I just nodded. I couldn’t tell him that I couldn’t bear it if Liam rejected me. I’d rather not risk it. Luckily we arrived at Louis’ that moment, which ended the conversation.

 

As usual Louis was enthusiastic about the new single – we were discussing the promo which meant which TV shows I would appear on, which magazines I would do interviews for… and the video!

"What do you know about Blackpool Niall?"

My mind went blank… "Errrr, it's in England, isn’t it?"

He laughed. "Yes… anything else?"

"No… Louis I’m a singer, not a geography student…"

"It’s a coastal town on the UK’s west coast… A big holiday place…"

"Right…" I was still mystified… what did this have to do with my video?

"It’s famous for its tower and its fairground park thing. Do you like rollercoasters Niall?"

Light was beginning to dawn. "I’m not sure, there aren’t any round here."

He laughed. "Well, you’re going to find out. The Pleasure Beach owners have very kindly given permission for us to shoot the video there!"

"You mean I’m going to the UK?" Suddenly I was excited.

"You mean you’ve never been?"

"I’ve never been out of Ireland…"

"Jesus… we’d better give you a spare couple of days so you can enjoy it…" He threw a glossy brochure at me. "That’s Blackpool, we’ll be finalising dates tomorrow… so do some research…"

 

I lay on my bed that night and read the brochure. It looked fun though I don’t know if I was looking forward to some of those rides – they looked terrifying! And then an idea hit me, I rang Louis.

"Louis, it's me…"

"I know that… Jesus Niall, it's nearly eleven."

"I know, but I need to know… were you serious about me getting a couple of days off in Blackpool?"

"Yes, if you want to…"

"I was wondering… if… if I paid myself… could I take mam and Charlie and Marielle?"

There was a pause, then… "I don’t see why not…"

"And I was wondering… maybe Jack if he’s well enough, and his mam…?"

"Jesus Niall, do you want a coach trip…?"

I laughed. I usually got away with murder with Louis on the few occasions I asked him for anything, because I was so little trouble compared with his other acts.

"Right Niall, as long as you realise you will have to pay for their flights and accommodation and for access to the Pleasure Beach for them, you can take all of Mullingar if you want. We’re looking at filming on the Wednesday/Thursday, so if you’re good and get finished, I’ll let you have the rest of the week until Monday morning… how’s that sound?"

"Great… thanks Louis…"

I lay on my stomach and dialled mam… there were perks to this being famous…

 

I didn’t want to get Jack all excited if there was no chance of him being able to go, so I called to see his mam… Diane looked exhausted but she smiled at me…

"Hiya Niall, what brings you here?"

"I’ve got an idea but…. Where’s Jack by the way?"

"He’s gone out for a drive with his dad and Jason…"

"How’s he doing?"

She shrugged. "I don’t know Niall… the leukaemia’s not going into remission but the chemo has held it… I guess the only hope’s going to be a bone marrow transplant…It wasn’t an option I wanted to consider…"

"Why?" I was curious.

"Because it's so final, Niall… If it fails… well, it's all over… At least this way, I have him for a just a bit longer…"

I’d never looked at it like that, probably because the chemo hadn’t held my leukaemia. I was going to die almost immediately that I had never worried about it failing. I bit my lip. "I’m sorry…"

"It's not your fault, you silly lad… God knows you’ve done so much to cheer our Jack up. He’s so proud of you, he’s even watching the pop shows to see you… though don’t tell him I told you that!"

"I won't… How is he in between chemo?"

"Not too bad… why?"

"Would he be well enough to go away for a couple of days? You as well, of course. All of you…"

"Where to?"

"England… Blackpool. I have to film a video there at some theme park. Louis says I can have a couple of days off after I’ve finished. Mam and the kids are coming out, so I was wondering if Jack would like it? Don't worry though, I’ll pay for everything…"

"Bless you, Niall… that’s a lovely offer, he’s never been on holiday. He’d love it… we’d love it…"

"Then you will…"

"I’ll ask his specialist. If he says it's OK, we’d love to…" She hugged me.  "You are the kindest person I know…"

"It's nothing Diane. I can’t make Jack well and …"

"It's not your fault…"

"I feel so guilty…"

"Why? Because you lived? Jesus, Niall. That’s nothing to feel guilty about… and you had to fight bloody hard for it. Don’t ever feel guilty…"

"It's just…" I didn’t know where the words were coming from. I had never told anyone I felt like this ever. "Sometimes I feel I cheated death, that I’ve stolen my life…"

She looked puzzled, so I continued. "I should have died Diane. I went without treatment months, I should have been dead before the transplant, let alone struggling through… and … why did I live Diane? And other kids died… what pulled me through?"

"I don’t know Niall… love maybe…" She put her hand on my shoulder. "Or your destiny… Look at what you’ve achieved. Whatever reason, accept it with gladness. And stop feeling guilty OK?"

I nodded and she handed me a tissue, I hadn’t even realised I was crying. "Now how about a cup of tea?"

I smiled. She continued, "I won’t mention Blackpool to Jack until we’ve got the go ahead… Then you can tell him…"

"Thank you."

"No Niall, thank you!"

 

I was praying that it would be OK that he would be able to go and the specialist said yes… So I booked the plane tickets and turned up at his house…

He was playing his playstation… "Hiya squirt…"

"Watch it mate, or I’ll ruffle the hair… Thought you’d be promoting your latest pile of crap…?" He winked at me.

"I fly on Tuesday night to film the video…"

"Oh get you… going abroad now…"

"Only the UK, Blackpool."

"They have some wicked rollercoasters there…"

"I know… that’s where I’m filming…"

"Cool… Have fun and bring me a stick of rock back…"

"I brought you a present now…"

He looked at me… "Ni, you don’t have to do that you know?"

"Do what?"

"Buy me things because you have to go away. It's your job…"

"I wanted to get you this…" I handed him the envelope.

He smiled. "You have bought me too much if you have to get me gift vouchers…" The plane ticket fell out. "Ni, what the fuck’s this?"

"Language… or your mam might not let you come to Blackpool with me…?"

His eyes grew round… "You’re kidding…"

"Nope! That’s your ticket, so don’t lose it."

"And mam says I can?"

"Your mam, dad and brother are coming with you. We’re all staying in a guest house. You fly out Thursday night and Paul’s picking you up, then you spend the weekend with me. It's OK Jack, the hospital said you could."

"I’d like to see them try and stop me…" His eyes were shining. It was just about one of the best moments of my life… "Will you take me on the rollercoasters?"

"As many as you want…" I just hoped I could handle them.

"Mam… look what Niall’s given me…"

"I know… It's very kind of him, I hope you’ve thanked him…"

"Errrr thanks Ni… You know I meant to, I just got a little excited…"

"I guessed… It's OK, glad you liked it. Now I’ve got to go, Paul’s waiting for me."

"OK, and thank you…"

 

I escaped. The tears were filling my eyes. I tried to wipe them away.

"How did Jack take to the Blackpool idea… ?" Paul was grinning.

"He loved it…" I got into the car… "He’s so excited, bless him." Suddenly tears were pouring down my face.

"Jesus Ni, what's the problem…?"

"Nothing… only… he’s a kid and he could die and he’s so happy because he’s going for three nights to Blackpool… and… I’m being an idiot… sorry…"

"No Niall, you can’t help having feelings… and its good you’re so emotional…"

It wasn’t just that. I was feeling slightly sad because for the first time it had sunk home that I would never have kids of my own to give presents to. And it wasn’t because of my choice, my sexuality… but the fact that the treatment I had had had made me infertile. I’d never thought about it, but it was hurting now. Why did everything I thought about hurt so damn much at the moment…?

But I had to move on… I had a video to shoot and some rollercoasters to ride.

 

 

"And be careful what you eat!" I was getting the final instructions from Lily – she wasn’t happy at me going to some English B&B or 'guest house' for five days. She was convinced they wouldn’t know how to look after me.

"Lily, it's Blackpool... not the tropics." Paul was having hysterics. "And yes, the water’s safe to drink…"

"Humph!" She snorted. "I know what he’ll be like, eating junk and throwing up…"

"Let me worry about that…" I kissed her. "I’ll send you a postcard." Waving goodbye we drove off.

 

There was only Paul and myself… He was acting as tour manager as well… It had been decided it would be best for my family to come out with Jack, so I could concentrate.

Paul ran over the plans. "We fly to Manchester. There’s a car waiting and we drive to Blackpool. We’ll get there about eight tonight and start filming at about seven in the morning, before the park opens."

"Great!" I rolled my eyes, knowing that with make up and that it would mean an early start.

"You have to get the majority of the filming done before the park opens."

"OK."

I forgot my annoyance when I got to the airport. It was an unreal experience. Paul gave me a funny look.

"What the hell’s the matter?"

"I’ve never been to an airport before."

"Jesus… you’ve never flown…?"

I shook my head, and he laughed. "Follow me then, and don’t get lost!"

Paul took me through check in. "Right, let's go get something to eat whilst we’re waiting… are you nervous?"

I wasn’t, I was just excited. When we boarded the plane Paul kindly gave me the window seat and I sat with my nose pressed against it for most of the journey, even though it was cloudy. It was over all too soon.

"Let's pray they haven’t lost our bags…" Paul was hurrying me through arrivals at Manchester – which looked enormous after Dublin airport.

Everything seemed to be trouble free and we were collecting the people carrier. "Now on to Blackpool…"

"Is it far?"

"No, not that far."

 

England looked just like Ireland, apart from maybe not as green and there was a hell of a lot more traffic. The motorways were massive and I was glad I wasn’t learning to drive over here. Paul laughed when I told him that.

"That’s Blackpool Tower." He pointed out the structure. "You may be filming up there. I’m not sure yet, I’ll drive in through the Pleasure Beach end so you can see the place."

It was awash with noise and lights. I gazed at the gigantic rollercoaster and gulped. Paul was laughing.

"That’s the Big One… quite a drop…"

"Mmmmmmm."

"It's fun Ni. Now we’d better go to the B&B, I said we’d be arriving for dinner."

It was a cosy looking place on the sea front but at the other end where it was quieter. Paul knocked on the door.

"Mrs Gardner? I’m Paul Higgins. You’ve two rooms reserved for me and Niall Horan?"

She smiled. "I have indeed, come in."

It was warm inside. I was glad because the sea air was decidedly chilly. The woman was in her fifties and smiled at me. "You must be Niall…"

I held out my hand. "Pleased to meet you."

"No, I’m pleased to meet you. Mr Walsh said you were a pop star." I blushed. "My little niece will be so excited…"

"You won’t really know Niall over here yet. He’s the winner of the Irish Pop Idol."

"But you’ll be famous here soon… Anyway, you must be starving. I’ll show you to your rooms. I’ve a family room and two doubles booked for Thursday, Friday and Saturday night as well. Is that right…?"

"Yes, Niall’s got some family and friends coming over."

 

My room was small but cosy, with a sea view. Paul was next door, though I didn’t think he would exactly be doing security here. More like looking after me. I quickly unpacked and went down.

The food was great. Paul had explained we wouldn’t want breakfast for the next two days as I would be leaving at five thirty. She smiled when she saw my face. "No partying at nights then?"

"Niall’s very hard working."

After we’d eaten, Paul looked at me. "I want you in bed early, but if you want to go for a quick drink…"

"I’d rather go for a walk along the front…"

"OK. I’ll get my jacket."

"Paul… I’m not being funny, but there’s no one out there and even if there was… No one recognises me here."

"You want to go alone?"

"Please… It's not that I don’t want you, but how many times do I get the chance to go for a walk on my own in Ireland?"

"OK, but be back in an hour and ring if you need me. And don’t get lost…"

"Thanks Paul…"

 

If you’ve ever not been able to go for a walk on your own then you’ll understand how precious that moment was for me. It was dark and the moon was shining off the sea, a calm night. There were very few people about. Just the odd dog walker or couple going into the town. But no one gave me a second glance, which was what I wanted. I needed to collect my thoughts. Here was I, Niall Horan from Mullingar - in a different country! It was amazing. Me just being alive was amazing. And I prayed, prayed that god could work a similar miracle for Jack.

I ended up back at the Pleasure Beach. Jesus I’d walked miles but it was all in a straight line so I could find my way back. I looked up at the rollercoaster. Would I dare go on it? I knew I would, and if Louis said I had to for the video then that was that… Besides, there was very little I was scared of now. I’d faced death, been moments from death and lost my true love… Nothing worse could happen.

I made it back to the B&B just within the hour. Paul was sat in the lounge talking to Mrs Gardner and her husband, and he smiled as I walked in.

"Feel better for that?"

"Yes thanks…"

"Good. Now I think you should have an early night seeing as I’ll be hauling your arse out of bed at five in the morning…"

I had to agree. I was holding back the yawns as it were. It had been a hell of a day, and I was knackered.

"Yes… Get off with you son… I’ll bring you up some hot chocolate…"

"Thank you…"

I was curled up in bed when she brought it. "So how do you like Blackpool then lad?"

"It's great thanks. Very peaceful…"

She laughed. "Never heard it described as that before… wait till you get to the Pleasure Beach tomorrow… Now sleep well…"

"Thanks…"

I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I’d meant peaceful in the way I felt at peace here.

 

I didn’t feel at peace the next morning as I was getting my makeup done in a van at the Pleasure Beach whilst they tested the rides I would be going on. Paul brought me a bacon sandwich. "Pete over there says it’s a bit windy yet for the Big One, so we’re going to film you on the Big Dipper and the Revolution…"

I put the bacon sandwich down. "I think I’d better have an empty stomach then…"

 

I loved filming that video, and I loved the rollercoasters and rides! To be honest the whole day went too quickly and I’d be filming next day at the beach and the Tower. I was a bit gutted.

"So you like the park then?"

I smiled at Pete. "It's great… I’ve got the day off on Thursday. I’m bringing some family and friends…"

"Well, tell you what? Come an hour before we open and I’ll sort you out a free pass for them and some priority rides…"

"You mean that?"

"Of course. This is good advertising for the park as well, your video…"

"Thanks a lot."

 

I don’t actually remember much about filming the rest of the video. The weather was OK though a bit breezy, and the fish and chips were great! I was too focused on Jack coming over.

We finished on time on the Wednesday and I went for a drink with Paul.

"So are you looking forward to tomorrow?"

I nodded. He knew how close I was to Jack.

"Niall, I don’t mean to sound harsh or anything but… try not to get too involved with Jack…"

I gave him a questioning look. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Niall. I know you and Jack are mates but… you’re leaving yourself open to a lot of pain."

"Paul, he isn’t going to die…"

"I hope he isn’t. But Niall, you have to face the truth that he could!"

I felt anger well up in me. "I know the statistics, Paul… remember I’ve been there!"

"I know… but…"

"And it was a fucking good job no one gave up on me…"

"We’re not giving up on Jack. I just wanted you to…" His voice tailed off. "I care about you kid…"

My anger vanished. "I know that Paul…"

"And you’re too close to this emotionally… I mean, it's hard enough for anyone your age and in your position to cope with this situation but considering that you nearly died from the same disease… I worry about you…"

"Paul… let it drop… there’s no point in going through this…"

He nodded, but it left an unpleasant taste in my mouth.

 

I tried to push that conversation from my mind as I lay in bed that night but it haunted me. Jack wouldn’t die. I had every faith in my prayers. They’d worked for me…

 

It was with great excitement I waited for my family and Jack to arrive. The video was finished and I was happy. It seemed ages since I’d seen them and I was impatient, then they were there!

"Niall!" Jack was first out of the people carrier. "Oh wow, that flight…"

I smiled – I had felt the same. "It was great then…?"

Diane smiled at me. "Thank you again for this Niall. I’ve never known him so happy…"

"It's OK…" Then my kid brother was wrapped round my leg.

 

I had arranged to take Jack, Marielle, Jason and Charlie to the Pleasure beach the next day before it officially opened and I was looking forward to it – though I wasn’t comfortable with Jason at all. He barely spoke to me and I felt I could see resentment in his eyes. I also had the feeling he was homophobic because of the fact he had told Jack I was gay to discourage him from being friends with me. It was going to be tricky.

 

We spent the rest of the day going round Blackpool and into the Tower. I felt as though I belonged in the UK, which was amazing considering two days ago I’d never been out of Ireland. It was a good day, fun and relaxing and I didn’t get many of those days now.

 

We were at the Pleasure Beach early and it was a calm day. Pete smiled at me.

"Think they can face the Big One…?"

Jack grinned. "Just try and stop me… Come on Ni…" he grabbed my hand. I laughed, but I could feel Jason’s glare in the back of my spine.

It was exhilarating though I must admit the Big One wasn’t my favourite. Jack took it all in his stride, in fact he wanted to go on again. I shook my head. "Why not take Jason…?"

"Do you want to Jay?"

"OK…"

I watched Jack all day – hoping to convince myself he was going to be fine. He looked happy and glowing but he still didn’t look well and I wondered if he knew that he needed a bone marrow transplant. All I could do was pray. I’d been there I knew how hard it was.

But Jack had a whale of a time though it tired him and he was in bed by nine. We all sat in the lounge chatting, but I had itchy feet and suddenly an idea came to me. I turned to Jason. "Want to go for a drink?"

He shrugged. Diane looked at me and then her eldest son – I guess she’d picked up on the tension between us. "That sounds good Jay…"

Paul looked at me. "Are you planning on going clubbing Ni or just to the pub…?"

"Pub… why?"

"Because if you’re going clubbing then I need to come with you!"

"Paul!"

"Don’t 'Paul' me… you know the rules!"

"We’re not in Dublin now!"

"But it's still my job to look after you."

I didn’t need this argument – in front of my family as well. "But I’m not going clubbing – just to that pub at the end of the street OK?"

He nodded and I went and got my jacket and wallet before he could argue anymore.

Jason followed me out, not saying a word…

"Sorry about that… Paul takes his job very seriously." I didn’t want him to think I was playing the jumped up star.

"Makes sense… I bet you get a lot of trouble going out!"

"I don’t really…"

He didn’t say anything else and I knew this was going to be hard, but I wanted to find out why he was hostile to me. I hadn’t done anything to him – at least to my knowledge.

 

The pub was quite quiet really. "What do you want?"

"Lager please…"

I bought two bottles and we sat down. He was looking at me in a funny way. I knew he wasn’t going to initiate the conversation, so I took a deep breath.

"Jason… I know you don’t like me…"

He gave a soft laugh, but I carried on.

"I’d like to know what I’ve done to upset you."

He gave me an incredulous look… "You don’t know?"

"Err no… Unless it's because I’m gay?"

He shrugged. "Not really. One of my best friends is gay, you’re not the only gay lad in Ireland! Even though the papers act as if you are…"

That threw me a bit… "Then what have I done…?"

"Nothing…"

"But it's obvious you don’t like me?"

"Do I have to? I know you’re the teenage heart throb but some people are immune to your charms…"

"I was thinking for Jack’s sake…"

His eyes flashed… "God you really are dumb, aren’t you?"

It dawned on me then. It was about Jack. "You resent me spending time with Jack?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I resent the way he’s so close to you…"

"I can’t help that…"

"Can’t you? You can give him things I can only dream about… I’m a student, working in a bar part time to help out because mam can’t work because of Jack being ill… You can just breeze in and give him anything he wants…"

I was shocked – I had never thought Jason was jealous of me and his brother. "That’s not why Jack’s close to me…"

"Isn’t it?"

"No, and if you think your brother’s that materialistic, then you don’t know him very well!"

I expected him to go for me, but instead his face crumpled. "I know that Niall, and I’m not exactly going to get a chance to know him much better am I?"

I was thrown for a loop. "Don’t talk like that! Jack will get better…"

"Niall, come out of your dream world… You of all people should know the odds!"

"I know but… if he gets a transplant…"

"That’s a big if…"

"I did…"

"You were fucking lucky! You had loads of brothers and sisters and other family members… You had better odds. We don't even have any aunts and uncles... There’s just me Niall… and I don’t match…"

I didn’t know what to say…

"Imagine how that feels… to see your brother dying and know you can’t even save him… that you were his best chance and it's no good… Imagine how I feel!"

I shook my head… "I can’t…"

"Then ask one of your family members who didn’t match with you how they felt… then you might know how I feel!"

I didn’t have to. I knew how mam and dad had felt… and Liam… Suddenly that night came back to me, the awful night when Liam had found he couldn’t save me and his parents had found out about us… A tear escaped…

"I’m sorry Jason… I don’t know what to say…"

"There’s nothing you can say… I feel useless as a brother… I can’t save his life and then to see a stranger come and make what might be his last months happy when I can’t… I’m the one who should be saying sorry… it's not your fault…"

But in a way it was, I had been inconsiderate. I hadn’t thought of what Jason was going through. I _was_ inconsiderate. I’d run away to be with Liam, knowing I would break my family’s hearts.

Jason looked at me anxiously… "Niall… you won’t … stop spending time with Jack will you?"

I shook my head. "Of course not. I love him… I know he’s not my brother but…"

"He thinks the world of you…"

"Jason … we’re close because… because I more than anyone, know what he’s going through… That’s the reason. Not because I’m famous or can buy him things…"

"I know that really…" He wiped his eyes and held out his hand. "Want another drink?"

I shook his hand and nodded. I needed one after that… we sat…I didn’t want to say anything else but I had to…

"Jason… does Jack know he’ll die without a transplant…?"

"I don’t know… I don’t think anyone’s exactly told him but he’s not stupid…"

I nodded… "It could still be OK, you know!"

"I know but… Niall, not everyone’s born under a lucky star… don’t kid yourself that they are!"

"But…"

"Niall… you can’t save him… I can’t save him… We’re in the same boat… he needs a miracle…" I nodded, and changed the subject for which Jason was grateful for. At least we had cleared the air. But the conversation had left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth!

 

 

 

I woke up with a pounding headache… It was about a week after returning from Blackpool and I was about to start the single promotion in earnest. I’d just finished the photoshoots for the single cover and had about a week of solid promo before I started Pop Idol tour rehearsals. It was going to be a busy few weeks for me. And I felt crap!

 

At first I put it down to a conversation I’d had with Jack the night before. I’d taken him a new Playstation game as he was going into hospital again for some chemo. He’d seemed a little down.

 

 

_Flashback_

 

"So what's up, kid?"

"Usual shit!" He sounded sulky.

"Uh-oh… Like that, is it?"

"Don’t come with that crap Niall… You know what it's like. I don’t want to go and have them fill me full of shit – again!"

I sighed. "I know that Jack, but you don’t have a choice. It's for your own good…"

"Is it?"

"You know it is..."

"Easy for you to say!"

"Yes, but at least I’ve been there…"

"I know…" He looked ashamed. "Sorry Ni…"

"It's OK. Want to talk about it?"

He nodded. I settled myself more comfortably.

"Niall, can I ask you something?"

"Sure…"

"Did you really think you’d die…? Or did you always think the cavalry would come in at the last minute?"

I swallowed. "Jack, I thought I was going to die. I didn’t have treatment for over 6 weeks, I was dying…"

"Were you scared?"

I nodded. "Yes. Not of death, but leaving the people I loved. I guess the thought of death scared me too, but not as much as leaving Liam…"

"You must love him very much…"

"Enough to die to be with him…"

"Did the thought of a transplant scare you, Niall?"

"I never thought about it… why?"

"I need one… I’m not going to keep hanging on without one. And don’t give me any crap. I know these things…"

I nodded. "And are you scared?"

"Yeah, shit scared…"

"Why?"

"Because that’s it… If it doesn’t work, no more chances – I die!"

"That’s not a very positive way to look at it… A transplant will work…"

"Not if I reject it…"

"That’s not very likely… They don’t do it if they think that’s going to happen… And look on the positive side! No more chemo… A normal life, school…" I winked at him.

"Yuck… Chance to be famous…" He winked back. "So, you think I should have a transplant… if there’s a match?"

"Without a doubt…"

"And you weren’t scared…?"

"I wasn’t really aware… But no. It was my only chance… When I had that transplant I was a few hours from death. There was no option…"

He nodded. "Thanks Niall…"

"No problem…"

"Can I ask you something else…?"

"Go on…"

"Do you ever think you’ll be sick again…? That it will come back…?"

I swallowed. That was the question I always dreaded, because a tiny part of me did think that… That God had given me a loan and would call it in anytime. That was part of what had driven me to Pop Idol status. The need to prove myself, leave something behind. Slowly I nodded.

"Jack, I think anyone who has beaten a terminal illness fears that… It's natural… You’ve beaten the odds and … It's kind of unbelievable…"

"Are you scared?"

"Not of dying… but… but… of leaving unfinished business…"

"Oh… Liam?"

Jesus, he was perceptive. "Liam is the one regret in my life Jack…"

"Then do something about it!"

"I can’t… Not at the moment… Not with my life…"

"Niall, you made room for me in your life. I’m sure you can make time for love."

"It's not the right time Jack. You’ll see as you get older."

He gave me a cynical smile… and then yawned.

"OK, I’m off. I’ll come and see you in a couple of days in the hospital, so don’t get too good on that game…"

"I will… And thanks Niall…"

"It's only a game…"

"No… for everything… Everything you’ve done for me… You’re a hell of a friend, Niall Horan…"

I hugged him. "You’re not so bad yourself…" But his words haunted my sleep.

 

_End Flashback_

 

 

Which was why I thought I was feeling crap when I woke up that morning. Unsettled sleep and disturbing thoughts, but no… As I sat up, it became apparent. My head was spinning, and I was shivering, yet I felt hot, plus my throat was swollen. Shit, shit, shit – I must have caught the bug that was going around. I didn’t need this. I had so much work to do. Maybe a hot shower would help.

It warmed me up a bit, but not much else. Groaning to myself, I dragged my body down the stairs. I wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but Lily would worry if I didn’t appear - plus I needed a drink.

"Morning," I croaked. Paul gave me a look.

"You not well Niall?"

"Think I’m coming down with something…"

"Coming? You mean came!"

I nodded. Lily was feeling my forehead.

"You’ve got a temperature, Niall… Better get back to bed…"

"No chance. I’ve loads to do. I’ll take a couple of paracetamol, and I’ll be fine.."

"Niall!"

"Lily… I can’t let a bit of cold get me down. I’ll be fine."

 

I could hardly swallow the tablets, my throat was so tight - but I managed to get myself into the people carrier, and became aware that Paul was giving me funny looks too.

"What's up?"

"I don’t think you should be working like this Niall!"

"Not you as well…"

"Niall, with your health history …"

I lost it, though I sounded like a mouse squeaking. "Back to my fucking health history… I’m fine Paul, that was over 3 years ago…I’ve got a bit of cold… I have a single to promote..."

"OK…"

I actually felt like shit and only wanted to go to bed, but I wasn’t giving into it. We had to go to Louis’ office first, and he took one look at me.

"Jesus Christ, Niall… What the hell’s the matter with you…? You look like shit…"

"Thanks…"

"I think he’s got flu but he says it’s a cold…"

Louis felt my forehead. "Your temperature’s fucking sky high… Open your mouth…"

I did as he asked. I didn’t have the strength to argue.

"And your fucking tonsils are swollen like balloons…" He went to his desk and picked up the phone, still speaking to Paul. "Take him home and put him in bed…"

"But my promo…"

"Can be cancelled! Your health’s more important… and anyway, you can’t sing with a throat like that. Use common sense, Niall… I know you have some somewhere!"

I made to argue, and Louis held up his hand. "Paul, put him in bed if you have to knock him out first… Call his doctor and let me know what he says…"

I gave up. I didn’t feel like doing anything else really.

Lily gave me and Paul worried looks when we got back. "What's happened now?"

"Nothing… Louis cancelled his promo. Can you ring the doctor for me…?"

She nodded, and Paul guided me upstairs.

"You really can be your own worst enemy, Niall Horan…" He was chantering at me as he started to undress me.

"Hey, I can undress myself…"

‘Well do it, and get in bed… I’ll make you some tea…"

With a sigh, I eased myself into bed. My whole body ached, and I felt terrible… But I hated to admit others were right.

I must have dozed off. When I woke up, the doctor was there with Lily and Paul. I felt about five again.

"Hi Niall…" Dr Bennett gave me a smile. "I hear even Pop Idols catch the flu… open wide…" He shone a light in my throat. "Nasty case of tonsillitis and judging by your chest, there’s flu there too… I’ll give you something to clear that throat up, and stay in bed for a few days…"

"I can’t…" I muttered.

"He will!" Paul chimed in.

"Good… Lots of fluids and keep warm… If he gets worse, give me a call…"

Great! Fucking great! I was stuck in bed with a single to promote. I considered getting up and ignoring the doctor’s advice, but I doubted my body would obey me. Life was fucking great!

 

I actually felt too ill to bother for a couple of days. Paul and Lily looked after me. I drank enough tea to fill a reservoir and felt I would look like a bowl of soup. Louis called by – he’d put the single back to coincide with the Pop Idol tour, which would mean extra work, then but the tour would help to promote it. It was a good move and I didn’t feel as pressured. I could ‘enjoy’ the time off.

Of course, as soon as I felt a bit better, I was bored… Though the bug had knocked me for six and I was very shaky. I was also very bad tempered as my visitors pointed out. Nic came by as did Zayn and Lou and they all noticed how grumpy I was.

I was also frustrated because I couldn’t see Jack, even if I’d have felt like it, there was no chance – his immune system was too low. I couldn’t, wouldn’t have risked him catching this but I missed him. He called me a couple of times and he sounded in good spirits. By the time I could see him he would be on a break in the treatment, and at home.

 

So I gradually felt a bit better and started to go out. Seeing the fans at the gate again… They had been great and sent all sorts of stuff, loads of chocolate and sweets, cuddly toys and cards. I was very lucky. I had the best fans, without a doubt.

It was the Friday night and I was due to return to work on the Monday. I was relieved, although I didn’t feel a hundred percent and I was starting Pop Idol tour rehearsals. I was looking forward to working with Zayn again, of course, but not Drew and Maria - and they would be there as well. So I sat with Paul flicking the TV from one channel to another and driving him mad.

"Jesus Niall, you make a hell of a bad patient…"

"Been here too much…"

"Be glad to get you back to work!"

"Me too!" I agreed.

Just then, Lily popped her head round. "Ni love, you’ve a visitor…"

I went downstairs. Diane was stood there. My heart dropped – It had to be something to do with Jack, and she looked like she’d been crying. My heart started to pound.

"Hiya love… how you feeling?"

"I’m OK thanks… What’s wrong? Is it Jack?"

She nodded. "Now Niall, don’t get worked up. He was due home tomorrow, but, but... they’ve found him a match for a transplant…"

My knees almost gave way. "Thank god…"

She gave me a smile. "I hope so Niall. We’ve had a talk, and he wants to go for it…"

"Good…"

"So it goes ahead Monday. He knows you can’t come and see him, because you’re ill, so he asked me to come and tell you…"

"Tell him everything will be OK, and I’ll come and look at him through that window."

"I will Niall… Thanks for giving him hope…"

I smiled. "Thank you for letting me be part of his life…"

She hugged me. "He also hoped you were feeling better…"

"Tell him I’m great!"

It was a lie. I still felt off, but a hundred times better for that news… At last Jack had the chance to live. Miracles happen. I was a great believer in them.

I slept well that night.

 

 

 

"Right then people… Great to see you all again, and thanks for agreeing to do this Pop Idol tour. As you may know, it's an absolute sell out across Ireland and four shows in the Point, so we owe it to them to give them a good show… More than a good show – the BEST show they have ever seen! So that’s going to mean a lot of hard work…"

Louis’ words washed over me. It was the Monday morning, and we were all crowded into a vast dance studio. There was a month to the opening night, and about that time till the release of my single. I should have been concentrating, but I couldn’t… All I could think about was Jack.

He was scheduled for the transplant at 3 PM that afternoon. It was going to be a long morning, and of course, they wouldn’t know immediately if it was a success. And I wouldn’t be able to see him anyway… I was still not right after the flu and tonsillitis. In fact I still felt crap. But I had to do this. Louis hadn’t said it outright, but he had hinted that it was me who had sold the show. Most people were coming to see Ireland’s first Pop Idol live. He had actually hinted that he was partly sorry that he had given them the option of the tour, and hadn’t waited for me to tour solo later on. But it was easy to be wise by hindsight, and the way I felt at the minute, I was uncertain I would make it with the rest of the people - let alone on my own!

Louis went on to outline the rest of the rehearsal schedule, and talk about joint numbers and big productions, for which we would have a lot of routines to learn. He was also talking about vocal coaching. Though he had already told me that if an initial assessment of my singing proved I wasn’t damaging my voice, I didn’t need to go through with that, as I had pretty much been singing constantly since I had won the competition almost a year ago.

Almost a year ago! That was hard to believe. It seemed like yesterday in some ways, and yet a life time ago in others. It was good to see the people I’d shared my hopes and dreams with … Well, apart from Drew and Maria. In a way, I was more wary of Maria than Drew, because I knew most of the bad feeling between us had come from jealousy. He had wanted Pop Idol much more than he’d let on. Much more than anyone had known until the night he lost. I had seen it then. Seen the person behind the façade.

But Maria was a different story – she was cold and calculating, and I would never forget the way she had made her move on me in Lillies that night. I shivered as I remembered the feel of her hands on me, and I prayed I wouldn’t have to have much to do with her.

"Right then, I just want to run through a set list with you then split you into working groups…" Louis’ Personal Assistant handed out sheets. I wasn’t surprised to see I was down to sing all my singles so far. But I was pleased to see he had put me and Zayn down for a duet, though he hadn’t picked the song yet. The boys had a lot of group numbers and without being sexist, it was a setlist to appeal to the vast numbers of females who would have bought tickets. It was also a setlist that would mean a lot of work.

Despite my worries about Jack, the day passed quickly. I had a session with the vocal coach, though he didn’t say much to me, then was talking to the production team. I had to admit I was fascinated by the whole idea of the show, and how it would come together in a few short weeks. Then Louis asked to see me.

"So Niall… what do you think of it?"

"It's unbelievable…" I gave him a smile.

"So you’re excited?"

"You could say that!"

"Good … because I was wondering, you didn’t seem focused this morning…"

I shrugged. "My mind was elsewhere?"

"Really? That’s not like you…"

"Jack was having his bone marrow transplant today…" I stared at the floor.

"Ah, I begin to get the picture. Have you heard anything about how it's going?"

I shook my head. He sighed.

"You know Niall… I should give you the lecture about whatever’s going off in your private life, you should put it behind you. You are a professional now…"

I nodded. "But…?"

"Hang on, Niall… I said I SHOULD, not I am. I know how close you are to Jack, and how… Well, what a fucking awful situation this is for you, and I partly blame myself…"

"You do?" I was surprised.

"Yes. I was the one who made you go to that hospital, made you visit sick kids. It's my fault you got so involved…"

"No, it isn’t, but I just couldn’t help it…"

"I know Niall… I know. And I guess it must bring back some painful memories…"

I swallowed and nodded.

"Niall, I hope everything goes OK for Jack. I really do. He’s a great kid, but, but whatever happens… You couldn’t have done anymore… You do realise that, don’t you?"

"Yes…" I guessed he wasn’t convinced.

I wanted to ring Diane and find out how Jack’s transplant had gone, but of course she would be in the hospital with him and her phone would be off. I had finished work for the day and went to find Paul.

"Hiya kid… ready for home…?"

"I guess…"

He gave me a curious look. Paul could read me like a book, but he didn’t say anything until we were in the people carrier.

"So how was rehearsals?"

"OK."

"You enjoyed them?"

"Uh-huh."

"You excited about it all?"

I shrugged.

"You feeling OK?"

"Yes…"

"Then, what the fuck’s the matter Niall?!" Paul stopped pussyfooting around me.

"Nothing."

"And don’t give me nothing shite! I know you too well, remember? Now, what's the matter…?"

"I’m worried Paul…"

"About Jack!" It was a statement, not a question. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"He’ll have had the transplant by now… And I haven’t heard anything…"

"I’m sure Diane has other things to think about Niall, not being funny or anything…"

"I know… but I’m scared Paul…" I finally said the words. "I’m fucking scared…"

"Oh Niall…" Paul found a spot to pull over, and did so. "I just don’t know what to say…"

"Nothing any different to anyone else has said…"

"That’s because there isn’t anything different…" He sighed. "Sometimes I wish you hadn’t got as close to him, Niall…"

"Why the fuck not?" I snapped, my eyes flashing… "He needed a friend…"

"I know that, but maybe you weren’t the best person for that…"

"I know exactly how he’s feeling, remember?"

"And that’s why I think it wasn’t the best thing…"

"His family don’t!"

"I don’t mean for Jack, Niall… I mean for you!"

I shook my head. "I have to be there for him, Paul…"

"But you can’t live his life for him, you can’t give him what you were lucky enough to have…"

"I know…" I could feel the tears at the back of my eyes. I couldn’t tell Paul that I was so scared of losing Jack, and that part of it was because I felt linked with him. That I was scared if the Lord let him die, then he might let me … I’d been having those nightmares again recently. The ones where I was laid in a hospital dying, and they were saying they could do nothing more. I would wake up in a cold sweat, wanting to feel Liam’s arms around me in the worst way… and of course, he wasn’t there… "I know… but…"

There were no answers… Both Louis and Paul seemed to have the same fear and I didn’t know why. Jack wasn’t going to die. We had to believe that, he was having the treatment that would make him well again, like I had… So he could live his dreams, like I had!

There was nothing else to say… I leaned back on the seat and closed my eyes, as Paul started the engine up again. We drove along in silence for a while, then Paul spoke.

"Do you want to call at the hospital?"

I looked at him. "Please… I know I won't be able to see him but… I just need to know…"

"I can understand that…"

 

The hospital loomed big and foreboding. I felt a shiver. I hated hospitals. I worked myself into a panic about my bi-yearly check ups, and would be relieved when they were over. But I got a grip on myself as I walked in.

The nurse on main reception was really nice. She found out the area of the hospital we needed to be in, and directed us there. She also called ahead to let them know we were coming. Diane was waiting for me in the little waiting room. She looked tired and slightly anxious.

"I’m sorry… I know it's not my place, and I don’t mean to get in the way, but…"

"The lad was fretting himself silly about young Jack…" Paul interjected.

She gave me a smile. "You don’t need an excuse, Niall… You’re more than welcome at any time, though you do know you can’t see him, don’t you?"

I nodded. I knew all about the dangers of infection. "I just wanted to know how it went…"

"They say it went OK… Obviously, it's too early to tell whether it's worked, but they seem happy… Jack’s not woken up yet, but his vital signs are good…" She gave me a smile.

"Thank god…" I knew I was smiling as well. It was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

She hugged me. "I know how much he means to you…"

"He’s great… he… he…" I couldn’t find the words.

A nurse appeared smiling… "If you wanted to have a quick look through the observation window, that would be OK!"

I looked at Diane. "Would that be alright with you…?"

"Of course…"

 

Jack was laid very still, attached to drips and machines. There was one nurse present, dressed in sterile gowns. He looked small and defenceless, and a lump rose in my throat. That had been me, just a few short years ago…

 

I don’t remember much about the transplant at all. I was so sick when Liam finally made me go back to Mullingar to go for my one chance of life. I remembered Liam being dragged away from me by his bastards of parents, and I remembered wanting to die. All of my family’s begging and pleading with me to have the transplant had fallen on deaf ears. I hadn’t wanted to live without Liam… Then he had defied his parents and come to me as I lay in my mam's arms, waiting for the release death would bring me…

I knew I’d been really too weak for the transplant, and that had led to me initially rejecting it. I don’t remember the dark days I lay near death with everyone praying for a miracle… I just remember waking up one morning feeling very groggy and aching like hell… And everyone wearing green and smelling of antiseptic. Even now I retched at the smell occasionally. I had been ratty and grumpy, because I wanted to see Liam, not through a window, but in the flesh… To feel him hold me… But in the end everything had worked out and I’d recovered… No more leukaemia, no more chemo… I began to live a normal life.

As Jack would. I smiled at him, even though he didn’t know I was there. "Keep fighting kiddo… you can do this…"

Diane put her arm around me. "He’ll be OK Niall… He’s a strong kid…"

I nodded, then yawned. "Sorry…"

"Don’t be… You must be exhausted! It was your first day of rehearsals, wasn’t it…?"

"Yeah…" I was amazed she’d remembered with everything going on.

"Then go home and get some sleep… I’ll let you know how Jack goes on, and you can ring the hospital any time. This is the unit number…" She handed me a piece of paper.

"Thanks…"

"No Niall… thank you… for everything you do for Jack…" She kissed my forehead. "If he turns out half as good a person as you, I’ll be very lucky…"

I blushed. How many people would think that a gay pop singer was a good role model for their son? Not many…

 

I was tired and went to bed as soon as I got in – it would be a long day tomorrow, but it would be exciting… Jack’s chance at life and my first major show coming together… I couldn’t wait!

 

 

  
"OK from the top… And remember… SMILE!"

I fixed a grin on my face and tried to remember the steps. We were in dance rehearsals, and boy did I hate it. Pippa, the choreographer, was great but she was a slave driver and she didn’t understand, let alone accept, that our bodies weren't on the same wavelength as hers. And mine was still decidedly shaky after my flu. My legs were aching like mad as I went through the routine once more, not helped by the fact I was partnering Maria.

She had given me a sly smile when we were paired off. "Oh goodie, I get the cute one…" She gave me a knowing look, and I shivered as I remembered her groping me in a Dublin club during the pop idol competition and terrifying me. I didn’t know if she was still with Drew. Ten months had passed and I doubted they were capable of a long term commitment, and even if they were together - they wouldn’t have been faithful. The night she had grabbed me, Drew had been shagging some girl in the VIP loos. I just wanted to avoid her as much as possible, and now that wouldn’t be possible.

"Why not tell Louis?" Zayn suggested as we had a break for breakfast, and he watched me pushing the bacon sandwich round the plate.

"Because he’d go mad if he knew what she was like!"

"Sounds good to me…"

"I don’t need the hassle… why the fuck do I have to dance with her…?"

"Because you’re small and she’s about the only of the girls not built like a fucking amazon…" He laughed.

I sighed and pushed the sandwich away.

"You not hungry…?" His face went to concern.

"Nope, she’s put me off…"

"Are you sure it's that?"

I smiled at him. "Yes, plus I’m worried about Jack…"

"How is he?"

"Hospital just say comfortable and stable…"

"What does his mum say?"

"Not much different… They’re very positive…"

"Well, that’s good then…"

I smiled. "Yeah, I’ll just be happier when he comes round properly… And comes out of isolation…"

"I bet… You sure you don’t want that sandwich?"

"Yes…"

"Pity to waste it then…" He picked it up and took a big bite. I laughed. I didn’t know where he put it. He was as skinny as a rake.

 

I eyed Maria nervously as we took our positions again… She gave me a grin, and placed her hand on my hip just a bit too near my arse for comfort… I wriggled…

"You really don’t like this do you?" she whispered.

"It's not my first choice of ways to spend a morning."

"I’d hate to imagine what they were… I should have known, you know?"

"Should have known what?"

"That you were gay when you didn’t want to fuck me…"

I shook my head… "Maria, if I’d have been straight I wouldn’t have wanted to fuck you… You just wouldn’t be my type…"

"You think you have it all, don’t you Niall…? Success, popularity, Louis’ pet… You have no idea what its been like for the rest of us. Struggling, waiting to come crawling back to play second fiddle to Louis’ golden boy…"

"It's not like that…"

"Maybe not to you, but you were always naïve. Louis has made it patently obvious who matters in this show…"

I blushed… "Maria…"

"Oh, I’m not going to rock any boats. I need this chance. But remember Niall…" She pulled closer. "Everything has to end… including the rollercoaster you’re on now… And what will you have then…? Just a very lonely life and memories…"

Pippa came over. "If the two of you  stopped chatting and concentrated… And your hand’s too low Maria." She moved it away from my arse. I offered up a silent prayer for the morning to end.

It was a long day, not helped by the fact I couldn’t shake off the exhaustion I was feeling. I went to the drinks machine and grabbed a can of Lucozade in the hopes it would help. And I checked my phone. There was a message from Nic – she’d updated my site if I wanted to check it out when I had a free minute, and one from Diane.

'Jack woke up! He's dopey but wots new? Says 2 say hi & 4 u 2 bring him a hot babe wen u come back!'

I had to laugh… That was Jack all over! I sent a quick reply and went back to work, feeling just a little better.

 

The next couple of days went OK. I kept my distance as much as I could from Maria, but her words haunted me. I started to become paranoid that Louis was favouring me, and that others thought the same way. I mentioned it to Zayn and he thought I was mad. "Niall… he doesn’t… OK, he has more to do with you, but that’s because he manages you… If it's worrying you that much, why not speak to him?"

"No… I don’t want to cause trouble…"

"Then stop thinking about it…"

 

I also went to the hospital… still not allowed to go into Jack’s room because of infection danger, but he was awake as I waved to him through the window this time. He certainly seemed to look better! He had more colour and he waved back. If all went as well as it was going, I would be allowed to put on green gowns and go in at the weekend, and I couldn’t wait to have a proper chat with him. He had already expressed the opinion that it was boring in isolation and that the nurses weren’t babes… I had missed him, a lot!

 

But I still felt less than 100% and I didn’t know why… I was trying not to think about it… It was probably a combination of stressing and hard work. I wasn’t sleeping great either. Not full blown nightmares, but niggling dreams. On the Thursday night I was dreaming about Liam… Something had happened and he was trying to ring me. The dream was so real…

I jumped. It was my mobile ringing… It was only eleven thirty, but I’d been in bed over an hour. I was knackered. The display was flashing 'Diane'… I felt fear.

"Hello? Diane? Whats wrong? How’s Jack?"

"I didn’t know whether to call you… but… I thought… He’s had a turn for the worse… His temperature started to rise this evening… He seems to have developed a chest infection… I… shouldn’t have bothered you but… I knew you’d want to know…and… and he was asking for you earlier…" I could tell she was crying.

I was out of bed and pulling on my jeans…"I’ll be there Diane…"

"Thanks Niall…"

My heart was pounding as I ran downstairs… I was hoping Paul would be watching TV. He looked up as I ran in …

"Where’s the fire Ni?"

"It's… Jack… Diane… just called me… he’s… ill and… asking for me…" The stairs had left me breathless.

Paul stood up quickly. "Let me get my jacket and keys…"

A few minutes later we were driving through the Dublin night, I was chewing my nails.

"Niall… it could be fine… don’t think the worst…"

"What the fuck am I meant to think…?"

"You have to stay positive for his sake…"

"I know but that’s easier said than done…"

He had no answer to that.

 

Diane was waiting for me… she had been crying…

"How is he?"

"He’s poorly, Niall… I won’t lie, but he’s fighting all the way…" She tried to smile. "He was delirious earlier, but he seems to have pulled round a bit now…"

"Can I see him?"

"Yes… Go with the nurse and she’ll give you a gown." She reached up and smoothed my hair down. I’d been that rushed I hadn’t even combed it. "You must have rushed… That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you with messy hair…"

I tried to smile and swallowed the lump in my throat.

A few minutes later I was ready to go in… and I didn’t know how I felt. I wanted to be there for Jack – he had asked for me… but I didn’t want to see him in the state I thought he would be in, but I had no choice…

He was attached to machines and in an oxygen tent… He looked small, and suddenly I felt so useless. I had everything, but I couldn’t do anything for him… I sat down and took his small hand in mine.

"Hiya kiddo."

He didn’t move for a while, then his eyes opened… And he smiled.

"Hey Ni"

"I heard you wanted to see me so I’m here… it had better be good!" I winked at him… "I mean, I’m wearing a green tent…"

"Don’t… they… do… them…in… Gucci… then?"

I smiled. He was still the same – even when sick… "I don’t think so…"

"You’re going… to … hate me… but… I can’t… remember why… I wanted you."

"Jesus, thanks…"

"But… thanks for coming…" He was struggling to breathe properly, and I felt so helpless… "So… what… you … been up to?"

"Rehearsing… now will you quit yapping…you’ll tire yourself out…"

He gave a small smile. "Wouldn’t… take… much… talk to … me Niall."

So I talked… About the rehearsals and the 'hot babes', about how I’d introduce him to those 'hot babes' when he was better, then he started to ask about Mullingar and other places… I talked a long while, unaware of the passing time…

A nurse came in. "Sorry Niall, you’ll have to go soon. The doctor will be here to see Jack …"

Jack looked at her… "Just a… few… more minutes… please?"

"Five minutes then!"

"Ni…. Thanks… for… coming… and for … everything. You’re… the best…"

"I’m not…"

"You… are… you… need to … be happy Niall."

"And I will be when you’re fit…"

"No… you… know… what… I mean… Liam…"

"Jack…"

"Ni… you need… him…"

The nurse and doctor came back in, and I had to leave. I kissed his hand and he smiled.

Outside I stripped off the gown, and took a deep breath. "Shit… it's not fair…"

Diane held me. "Thank you for doing that! It meant a lot to Jack…"

"What does the doctor say?"

"They’re trying new medication to boost his immune system… if he makes it through the next 12 hours it's hopeful…"

"Can I stay here?"

Paul started to speak, but Diane beat him to it. "No Niall, you need to go and get some sleep. It's gone two am and you must go to rehearsals… Jack will kill me if you mess it up…"

"But…"

"No buts… come back tomorrow…"

"You’ll ring me…?"

"Yes… Now go…" She kissed me goodbye on my cheek.

I didn’t think I’d sleep but exhaustion hit me, and it was time to get up all too soon… I didn’t feel like working, but after I’d rung the hospital and was told there was no change, I had to go.

I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t face it. All I wanted to do was get through the day, so I could see Jack. Plus we were rehearsing the end of the first part that day and it was complicated… Everyone was preoccupied and I guess they mistook my quietness for that…

It was a rock song called 'Tonight is what it means to be young' and I was singing lead…

"OK Niall, that was good - but it could be better… From the top…"

Suddenly Louis appeared. Everyone looked at each other. He wasn’t meant to be at rehearsal that afternoon.

"Sorry to interrupt folks, but I need a word with Niall…" he nodded for me to get off the stage which I did… He had an expression I’d never seen before and I couldn’t work him out… I heard Maria and Drew muttering as I went, but I forced it to the back of my mind…

"Louis… whats the matter?"

He said nothing just gestured for me to follow him to one of the small offices.

"Louis… what have I done?"

"Nothing Niall…" He put a gentle hand on my arm and shut the door… "Kian… sit down a minute… please…"

I did as he asked.

"Niall… Paul had a call a few minutes ago… from Diane…"

"Oh god… It's Jack isn’t it…? He’s worse… I need to get there…" I jumped up, but his hands were on my shoulders.

"Niall… I’m sorry… The medication he was getting for his immune system… Well, it caused his body to reject his new bone marrow. And it led to complications… His heart failed…"

"Let me go to him…"

"Niall lad… It's too late… He died half an hour ago… I’m so sorry…"

I gazed at him… not comprehending… Jack couldn’t have… He was only fourteen… "Noooo," I said slowly.

"I’m really sorry Niall…" and I saw a tear in his eyes.

Suddenly the room seemed to close in on me, and I jumped up unsteadily. "No… NO!"

I felt Louis pull me to him and hold me, telling me he was sorry again… Before my legs gave way on me, and it all went dark…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! :( Update next Friday, I think.. (or there may be a random update next week, but please don't hold me to that..) And I'm really sorry to all of you who hoped that Niall and Zayn would somehow end up together... Zayn is so sweet to Niall in this, and it breaks my heart ..


	19. N-I-N-E-T-E-E-N

"What happened Louis?" I heard Paul’s voice from far away.

"He fainted on me… can you get me some water?"

I struggled to open my eyes… Everything was spinning, and I felt slightly sick. With a great struggle, I managed to get my eyes open and saw the world from a different orientation… I realised I was laid flat on my back.

"Wh… what… happened…?" I echoed Paul’s question.

"It's OK kiddo, you just fainted… No, don’t try to get up yet!" Louis gently pushed me back down.

I let him… it was easier… then I thought about the last words he’d spoke to me before my world had fallen apart… "Jack?" I looked at him questioningly, pleading with my eyes for him to give me different news.

He put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it gently. "I’m really sorry Niall… he died…"

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard… It hadn’t been a bad dream. "Why!"

 

It was a rhetorical question… People would give me the medical reasons, but it wasn’t that I wanted to know. I just wanted to know why the lord let people like Jack die, he’d had what I had and I hadn’t died… Even though I’d come pretty close… And I wanted to know why there wasn’t a cure… Why Jack had had to be ill for all of his short life… It was so unfair.

Louis seemed to know I didn’t want an answer. He just shook his head at me, keeping his hand on my shoulder.

Paul appeared with a glass of water. "Are you with us now then lad?"

I nodded.

"Gave me quite a scare… how you feeling?"

I didn’t know… "Numb," I answered finally.

He handed me the water. "You’d better have a drink."

I reached for it, but my hand was shaking so much it slopped all over me. "Shit…"

"Take it easy there, lad. You’ve had a shock…" Paul held the glass to my mouth.

I swallowed, my lips were dry… then I shook my head to let Paul know I’d had enough.

They both were crouched near me with concern in their eyes. I took a couple of deep breaths to try and get myself together somewhat…

"Do you want a doctor Niall?"

I shook my head. "Jesus no… I just had a shock…" I tried to sit up again and with a helping hand from Louis, I managed it… though I felt very nauseous…

"I think you should go home Niall…. There’s no way on earth you can carry on today…" I looked at Louis. Once I would have argued with him, but the way I was feeling now, I didn’t know if I would be able to carry on at all. I wanted to go home and curl up and cry, then I groaned as I thought of all the others out at the rehearsal.

"What's bothering you Niall?" Paul picked up on it.

"I can’t go out there and face everyone… Not at this minute… I’m sorry…"

"That’s OK Niall… I’ll send them on a break, and then you can leave…"

Louis went and I closed my eyes again… Part of me not wanting to cry, and part of me wanting to wail.

He was soon back. "They’ve gone… apart from Zayn… He’s worried about you…"

I nodded. Zayn was OK… He wouldn’t ask questions.

"Right then – let's get you up… Nice and steady…"

I finally stood up though my legs were shaking like jelly, and taking a couple of deep breaths I answered Paul’s unspoken question.

"I’m OK Paul… I just need to get out of here…"

"Fair enough… " He put one hand on my arm to steady me and we made our way out.

Zayn was sat on the edge of the stage… As soon as I appeared, he jumped off and ran over.

"Jesus Ni… you look awful… what…?"

"Niall had some bad news, Zee…"

Zayn looked at Louis, then at me. "Jack!" It was a statement - not a question.

I nodded and tried to form the words… "He… he…"

"Jack died this afternoon Zayn…" Louis spoke the words I couldn’t say.

Zayn went pale himself… "Fuck…"

Then he put his arms round me, and hugged me tightly… "I’m so sorry Ni… so very sorry…"

I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so hard, but I couldn’t. I could feel the tears behind my eyes and they burned there, but they couldn’t escape… I felt they were suffocating me…

Paul cleared his throat… "Sorry Zayn… I need to get Niall out before the others come back. He doesn’t feel like talking to them…"

"I understand that…" He squeezed me again… "I’d come with you Niall, but I think you’ll need your space for a bit… You know where I am if you want me… Just give me a ring…"

I nodded again. "Thanks Zee…"

"No problem… and… and …"

He didn’t have to say the words. I knew what he wanted to let me know.

 

I didn’t say a word as Paul drove through the Dublin afternoon traffic. I didn’t know what to say and I felt as if I was in a dream world, that I would wake up and it would all be fine and Jack would be ringing me to ask for me to sneak him a McDonalds meal in… Paul didn’t speak either. Words were pretty damn useless at that moment.

I kept remembering how Jack had been that night… I should have known he was going to die. Something should have told me… I had been there often enough… Then I realised for the first time, perhaps really what my family and Liam had gone through… I was seeing it from a different angle… and I didn’t like it… It hurt – in some ways it hurt more than being sick myself did…

"Paul…" I saw him jump slightly… "Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything you want, Ni!"

"Can you take me to the hospital?"

I saw him tense… "Ni, is there any point…?"

"Yes there is … I want to say good bye to him…"

 

"Are you sure that’s wise…?"

I shrugged. I guess I wasn’t the most rational person at that minute. "I need to."

"OK… but only if Diane’s OK with it…"

I nodded… And wondered if I would regret this.

 

 

We didn’t even know if Diane would be still there… I was just clutching at straws really. Paul led me into the unit where Jack had been, and spoke to the nurse. She gave me a sympathetic smile.

"I’m really sorry Niall… Jack’s mother said how close you and him were and that you were very good to him… I think she’s still in with him if you’d like to wait…"

I sat down, my legs were still feeling shaky as hell and it was relief to sink onto the seat. I closed my eyes and tried to get some grip on my fragile emotions.

I don’t know how long we sat like that but the sound of the door opening made me look up. Diane was stood in the doorway. She looked immeasurably older.

"Niall, you didn’t have to come…" She tried to give me a smile.

"I did… I wanted… to… I wanted to say goodbye to him… if that’s OK?"

She swallowed hard and I saw the tears. "Of course it is… if you’re sure…"

I nodded… "Yes I am…"

 

I followed her into the room, it seemed strange with no gowns and no beeping and flashing machines. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the bed at first. Diane touched my arm. "I’ll leave you in private with him."

"Thanks…" She went and I finally looked at Jack.

It was as if he was asleep, they’d taken away all the tubes and drips and he looked… peaceful… Far more peaceful than he had looked in life. I sat down.

"Hey kid… fancy not waiting for me to say goodbye…but that’s you isn’t it? Can’t wait for anything…" I bit my lip. "I’m going to miss you kid… miss your cheek and … and… oh Jesus Jack… Why? It wasn’t your time… it shouldn’t have been your time…" I shook my head… "I’m really sorry kid… if I gave you the wrong advice… I guess I just believed in happy endings. I thought… I thought you’d be fine… Like I was… and I’m sorry… so sorry…" and I put my hand over his small still one… "I’m so very fucking sorry…"

I don’t know how long I stayed there, but I was aware that I wasn’t alone anymore. I looked up and Jason was stood there. My heart felt like it was breaking at the desolate expression.

"Jase… I’m sorry…" I scrambled to my feet… He gave me a sad smile…

"Stay put Niall… I’m sorry to intrude… I just wanted to make sure you were… OK," he finished lamely, as though he knew I wasn’t OK.

"I don’t know Jase… why Jack?"

"I don’t know either… I keep thinking why was it him and not me…? What decided that he was to have the fucking disease and not me…?"

"Fate I guess… what made me live and not him…?" We were opposite sides of the same coin of guilt.

I walked over to him and hugged him… "I’m just…"

"We all are…"

"I’ll go now… and let you have some time with him… I just wanted to say goodbye… I guess its selfish because… you’re his brother and this is a family time…"

"You’re his family as well, or as good as, Niall… Jack loved you like a brother… you were like a brother to him…"

"He’s got a brother…"

Jason smiled at me. "No reason to say he can’t have another…"

I hugged him again and then leaned over the bed… "I’ve got to go now Jack… so be good up there and keep an eye on me OK?" And I kissed his forehead.

Paul looked at me anxiously as I came out, but it was Diane who spoke… "I hope you didn’t mind Jason coming in…? He wanted to see you…"

"Of course not…" I looked at her. "So what now?"

"We’re arranging the funeral…"

"You will let me know won’t you?"

"Of course I will, Niall. Now go home and try to get some rest. You look all in…"

I nodded, and she hugged me again. I felt her arms around me and buried my face in her shoulder. "I’m so very sorry…"

"For what, Niall…? You were the best thing in Jack’s life for a long time…"

"Yes, but it was easy for me to give him stuff and…"

"Niall, I don’t mean materially… You knew exactly how he was feeling over and above any of us… You could share his feelings… you knew what to say for the best…"

"I didn’t when he asked me what I thought about the transplant…" A note of bitterness crept into my voice… "I told him to go for it… that it would work…"

"Sweetheart… it's not your fault… He had to go for it. He would have died anyway if he hadn’t, and he knew that… Don’t ever think it was your fault…"

I shrugged again. I was so confused about it all. She pulled slightly away and brushed my hair out of my eyes… "Niall… Jack thought the world of you and … well he was conscious before he… he…"

"Did he know?"

"I think he did, but he wasn’t scared… I think he knew he would be going to a better place. A place where there was no more pain and exhaustion… But he spoke about you!"

I bit my lip…

"He told me to look after you… because… you were an amazing person, but too stubborn for your own good… that you needed someone to look after you… And he said…'Find Liam for Niall!'"

My heart missed a beat…

"Who’s Liam Niall?"

"Someone I knew… from my past…"

"Well, Jack thought he should be part of your present… Niall, I’m not going to keep on about this… We’ve all been through enough… but… but I wanted to tell you…"

"Thanks. I appreciate it…"

She hugged me again, then I followed Paul out of the hospital.

I felt drained… as if seeing Jack had taken the last strength from my body. All I wanted to do was curl up, even though I knew I wouldn’t sleep…

Paul must have told Lily. She was waiting and pulled me into her arms. "Oh Niall…"

I let her hold me for a while, then I gently disentangled myself from her embrace…

"I need to rest…"

"You want a drink bringing up…?"

"No… I just… "

"I think the lad needs sometime alone…" I gave Paul a grateful look… "Louis says to take the day off tomorrow… he’ll rearrange the schedule and call you tomorrow…"

"Tell him thanks…"

I found it hard to climb the stairs, my legs were weak and I ached…it was the shock and exhaustion… I stripped to my boxers and climbed into the bed…

But sleep wouldn’t come. I kept running it through in my mind, trying to make some sense of it all. Why had Jack died and I lived…? It could have so easily been me laid in that bed… My mum could have been going through what Diane was going through. Should I have told Jack to have the transplant? It was something I’d never really know… And I wondered how Liam had coped with the months of waiting to see if I would live or die… I marvelled anew at how strong he’d stayed through it… I’d always thought I’d been the one to suffer, now I wasn’t so sure… I was in far more pain now! The only worse pain I’d ever experienced was when Liam had left me…

I got up and sat on the window ledge. It was a clear night and the moon was reflecting off the sea. It was peaceful. I pulled my knees under my chin and thought of Jack, and how he was free from pain, finally. Maybe death wasn’t that bad. I was in more pain now than I had ever been at my sickest.

I shivered, it was chilly, but my attention was taken from my coldness to a solitary star that twinkled in the night sky. It was far brighter than all the others… And suddenly I remembered Liam’s poem…

'The state of my heart, the place where we are, was written in the stars…'

Maybe it was… Maybe my destiny had been mapped before I was born, just as Jack’s had been. I thought of him laughing, and one single lonely tear finally escaped.

 

 

 

  
I didn’t sleep well that night. I actually stayed on the window ledge watching that star, and the calm sea for a long time. Until I was shaking with cold. I was trying to make some sense of it in my mind, and that was proving impossible. I had lived, Jack had died. Jack had done everything right, had all the right treatment… I had run away and let the disease go untreated. But I was still here and Jack wasn’t. It wasn’t a pleasant thought…

Eventually I had to crawl into my bed. I was numb, both physically with cold and emotionally with pain. I snuggled down into my duvet and prayed for sleep to take my misery away.

It took a long time. I tossed and turned and even when I got warm I was still restless, replaying bits of conversations with Jack over and over again. Sometime in the early hours I finally fell asleep.

_I lay in the bed, extreme weariness washing over me, I was so weak I could hardly move. Feelings of nausea rising in me, and I could feel myself panicing… Then I realised it wasn’t my bed… it was the hard narrow bed of the hospital, I could smell the antiseptic and I retched…_

_"Easy Niall..."_ _Hands lifted me up into a sitting position and held a bowl in front of me. "Don’t be afraid lad, just let it come up."_

_"No…" I shook my head and retched again, then I looked at who was stood by my bed. It was a nurse. My heart started to beat rapidly, it couldn’t be happening again…_

_"It's OK… just relax Niall…" she turned to someone else. "I’d go and get his parents… they’ll want to be here…"_

_"I’m… I’m not… going to die am I?"_

_The woman gave me a smile that was meant to be comforting but I could see past that. I could see the lies in her eyes. "Of course you’re not Niall… You’ll be fine… Just you have a little rest…" She eased me back down but though she was gentle each movement brought extreme pain. Fear flashed through me as I remembered the last time I had felt like this was when I was laid in Lily’s house with Liam, just after my 18th birthday… When I was dying, and only a miracle would save me. I’d had one miracle, I wouldn’t get another. Tears trickled down my face._

_I didn’t want to die… OK I had achieved so much, but I wanted more… I wanted to be happy and in love again. I wanted to see Liam…_

_"Liam… Liam… please…"_

_"Shhhh now lad… don’t go upsetting yourself…"_

_Then mam and dad were there. I could see mam had been crying, but she was strong as she sat on my bed and took my hand. "Ni love… rest yourself."_

_"Liam… Mam… I don’t want to die…" I saw the look on her face, and knew I wasn’t going to make it.. "I need Liam…"_

_"Oh baby, shhhhhh," and she took me into her arms._

"Niall… come on Niall… It's just a bad dream… wake up…" I felt arms around me and I started to struggle.

"NIall, it's me, Lily… now wake up…"

Panting hard, my eyes snapped open… I was laid entangled in the duvet, sweating hard, and Lily was cuddling me - or trying to…

"What…?" I was disorientated…

"You had a nightmare…"

I nodded, remembering it in vivid detail. Eemembering the pain as if it had been real. "Jesus, did I wake you up…?"

"No… I was coming to see if you were OK anyway…" She let me go and gave me a sad smile… "I was worried about you…"

"I’m OK…" I wasn’t - far from it as I felt like shit, but I put that down to the shock and the restless night.

"I know it's been a big shock to you Niall… and I know how close you and Jack were…"

"I don’t know why it was a shock Lily… We knew how ill he was… I just wanted to believe he could make it… "

"I know you did… we all did…"

"Did… did you know he was going to die?" I had to ask

"Ni, what kind of question’s that?"

"I mean... had his parents been told or something? And you didn’t want me to know?"

"Niall, no… of course not…"

"I told him to go for the transplant Lily… I told him it would be OK… I lied to him… I fucking lied to him…" Normally I wouldn’t swear in front of Lily like that, but it didn’t even begin to express how I was feeling at that minute.

"No you didn’t, Niall. You weren’t to know. It was his best chance, his only chance… and no one knew he was going to die… you have to believe that…"

I nodded. I didn’t know what I believed and disbelieved anymore, but it was easier to agree. "What time is it please?"

"About eight thirty.You’re not working today are you?"

"No… Louis gave me the day off… Though it's going to leave them in a mess…" A pang of guilt about that added to the mess of feelings in my mind.

"Don’t worry about that, Niall… You’ve had a proper shock and you’re still not that well yourself… You take it easy today… Shall I bring you breakfast in bed…?"

I shook my head. "I don’t want any breakfast, Lily… I’m not hungry…"

"You have to eat, Niall… No sense in making yourself ill as well, especially when you’ve as much work on as you have. Now, shall I bring it up?"

I shook my head again. "No…" She was opening her mouth to argue. "I’ll come down for it. Just let me get a shower first…"

"I’ll be putting the bacon on."

I lay still for a few minutes after she’d trotted off downstairs. She was one in a million and I was so lucky. Then I hauled my aching body out of the bed and into the shower.

I let the hot water run over me, praying it would wash away the feelings, or lack of feelings. Because however much Jack’s death was hurting me, and it was, it was so bad it was a physical pain I couldn’t cry. It felt like there was a waterfall of tears behind my eyes, and a big dam holding them back.

I dressed quickly in old jeans and a pale blue t shirt that was lying on the floor. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere that day, so it didn’t matter what I looked like. Then I went downstairs…

Thankfully there was only Lily in the kitchen, frying my eggs. She gave me a little smile as I came in.

"Tea’s in the pot, Niall… Do you feel any better?"

I shrugged and sat down. "I don’t know how I feel Lily… That sounds daft, doesn’t it…?"

"No, not at all…"

"I feel… It hurts. It hurts so damned much…, but I feel empty as well… and… and…"

"Give it time, Niall…"

I nodded and poured myself a cup of tea. I wasn’t hungry, I felt the food would choke me, but I was thirsty. Then the door opened and Paul came in. He gave me a concerned look.

"Morning Niall… How did you sleep?"

I shook my head… "Shite! Took me ages to fall asleep and then I had nightmares…"

"About Jack?" Paul was always blunt and to the point. I didn’t answer, just nodded slightly. I didn’t want to tell him I’d been dreaming about dying.

Paul sat down and pushed his cup towards me. "Pour us a cup lad…" I did. "I’ve got to be honest… when that call came yesterday I was fucking shocked. I should have expected it, but I thought he had a charmed life… There’s been times in the past I thought he might … but after the transplant…"

"You thought he’d live like me?"

"I guess I did…"

"Maybe I was just fucking lucky…" Paul looked up at my tone.

"Niall… maybe you were, but there’s nothing wrong with that!"

"But… why me? Why me when so many others die?"

"Niall… you know the statistics… 70% survive…"

"Then why was I in the 70% and Jack in the 30%?" I knew I was getting at Paul, and part of me felt ashamed, but part of me couldn’t stop it.

"Niall… I can’t give you the answers. I don’t know what makes some people live and some die… I don’t know why you were in the 70% that make it…"

I looked at him… "Maybe it was a mistake…? Maybe I should have died as well…?" I heard Lily gasp.

Paul turned a funny colour… "Don’t you ever say that again Niall Horan, or whether you pay my wages or not, I will deck you one to knock some sense into you…! Yes it’s a fucking tragedy that Jack died, and we’ll never know why he did and you survived, but it sure as hell wasn’t a mistake that you lived! How the fuck do you think your parents would feel if they heard you say that? How do you think Lily feels and I feel…?"

I felt myself going red. "I’m sorry… it… it just seems so… so unfair… Jack was a kid…"

"And you were a kid Niall… " Paul’s tone softened slightly… He reached over and ruffled my hair. "And you still are… You deserved to live Niall… You fought hard enough for it. Be sure to grieve and be sad for Jack, but don’t ever blame yourself and think that it should have been you because it shouldn’t! You were given a chance to live and you took it… and that’s all I’m saying…"

I leaned back in my chair. I couldn’t explain how I felt and all they would do was think I was feeling guilty about living, which I was… but it went much deeper. But I wasn’t articulate enough to express my feelings. Liam would have managed it, but I couldn’t. I let the subject drop. There was no point in pushing it, anyway.

I spent most of the day laying on my bed, trying to sleep, but in reality torturing myself with guilt. Guilt there was no use talking about to anyone else. Zayn texted me as did Nic. They were all sorry, all wanted to know if there was anything they could do. Unfortunately none of them could put the clock back, and change the past…

I was waiting for Louis to ring, and I must have dozed off laid on my bed because next thing I knew Lily was gently shaking me.

"Sorry for waking you up Ni. Louis is here to see you. Shall I send him up, or do you want to come down...?"

"I’ll come down…" I brushed my hair and straightened my shirt.

As I got to the door of the living room I heard Louis and Paul’s voices, so I paused.

"I’m worried about the lad… he’s taken it really hard!"

"That’s only natural Paul… he had got very close to him, we all knew that…"

"Yeah, I’d worried what would happen if anything happened. I wondered if they were too close, if Niall was too involved given his own history…"

"He probably was, but Niall’s an adult. He can make his own decisions and I wasn’t interfering in that… So why are you worried about him now? We can expect he’s going to be very upset…"

"He’s not just upset, he’s feeling very guilty…"

"What over? No one did more for Jack than Niall!"

"It seems Niall told Jack to give the transplant a shot…"

"As did everyone else…"

"Plus he’s feeling guilty he … he didn’t die himself…"

"Jesus… what put that idea into his head?"

"I think it's been there a while, to be frank, and it probably always was there but... but this has brought it to the surface…"

"Shit… so what do we do…?"

"I gave him a bollocking for it this morning… Thought it might get through to him how much people care about him…"

"And?"

"It seemed to … but you know Niall. He’s so fucking deep, and when the shutters come up you can’t read behind his eyes… I think all we can do is keep an eye on him, and hope…"

 

I’d heard enough, trying to look a bit more with it and not as if I’d been eavesdropping, I opened the door and went in.

"How you feeling Niall?"

"You know… been better… I’m still stunned…"

"I bet… so am I really… I hope you don’t mind but I told the others today… on the set… I thought they had to know…and I didn’t think you’d feel like telling them…"

I shook my head – I didn’t and I knew they would have to know. I’d rather them know the truth, than them imagine things…

"They all send their sympathy Ki… they knew you and Jack were close…"

I nodded. I could feel the lump in my throat yet my eyes were dry and burning. All I wanted to do was cry, and it was the one thing I couldn’t do. Louis gave me a worried look, I was never this quiet…

"Ni… are you sure you’re OK? Or would you like me to get you a doctor?"

I shook my head. What did he think a doctor could do? They hadn’t been able to do much for Jack… And I wasn’t ill - just sad and in shock, and shaking off the remains of the virus.

"No… I’m OK Louis… I’m just sad and upset and angry… Nothing a doctor can treat me for…"

He looked at me… "Are you sure?"

"Yes…" I was starting to get irritated.

"OK… Well let me know if you change your mind…" He looked slightly embarrassed. "I hate to feel I’m pushing you, but when do you feel you could come back to rehearsals…? We really need you, but on the other hand, I’ll totally understand if you need a few more days…"

"I’ll be back tomorrow…"

"Are you sure you want to come back that soon?"

"Yes… It's not doing any good moping about. Maybe… maybe it will distract me a bit…"

"OK…I know this hard for you Niall…"

"Jack would have wanted me to carry on… he’d have been so mad if… if I messed this up…"

"Yeah, that he would." Paul spoke for the first time.

Louis smiled. "You’ll have to do him proud, Ni… He’ll be watching you…"

I nodded. I wanted to believe that, but I couldn’t – not completely.

 

The rest of the night passed quickly, Louis stayed a bit longer then made his excuses and left. I wasn’t the best company. I sat in the lounge watching TV with Paul, yet I couldn’t tell you what I watched. The images just flickered in front of me…

"Niall… Niall…" Paul’s voice pulled me out of my reverie…

"What?"

"Your mobile’s ringing…"

I fumbled for it… The display was flashing 'Mam'. I groaned. I hadn’t let her know about Jack. I hadn’t been able to face it… and I hadn’t called her since he died. This wasn’t going to be pleasant!

"Hello?"

"Niall… are you OK? I’ve been worried, because you didn’t call me…"

"I’m fine mam…"

"Are you sure…? You don’t sound like you are! Why didn’t you call me…?"

"I… I … something happened mam…" I bit my lip… "Jack died yesterday… the operation… well, he rejected the bone marrow… and… and …"

"Oh god… I’m so sorry Niall…" Mam knew how much I cared for Jack… "I don’t know what to say…"

"There’s nothing you can say really, nothing anyone can say…"

"Oh Niall son… are you OK? Do you want to come home a bit…?"

I did. I wanted nothing more than to be in Mullingar, in her arms… Maybe then I’d be able to cry, and maybe even tell her my fears, but I couldn’t!

"I can’t mam… we’re in the middle of tour rehearsals…"

"You’re more important than the tour…"

"And I’m not ill mam… just… I’ll be OK."

"If you’re sure… but if you want to come home just ring me – any time!"

"I will mam…"

"When’s the funeral?"

" I don’t know…"

"Let me know when you find out… I’ll come with you…"

"Thanks mam…" I hadn't even thought about the funeral. I talked a bit longer, then made the excuse I was tired. I was… Tired of trying to make conversation when nothing seemed real. And I was physically tired - though I knew I wouldn’t sleep.

"I’m off now Paul…"

"It’s a 10 AM start… So we have to leave at 9 AM to make it with the traffic Ni!"

"OK, I’ll be up…"

"You sure you’re ready to go back?"

"Yes…"

"OK see you in the morning… try to sleep…"

"I will…"

But I didn’t. Too many things haunted me.

 

 

 

  
"OK gang, that’s looking good… A bit more energy maybe, but it's coming together…"

Louis’ voice washed over me as we finished the rehearsal of the first half of the show. It was 3 days after Jack had died, and I was back into the thick of rehearsals. I had no choice, and it wouldn’t do me any good to stay home anyway. It wouldn’t bring Jack back…

A shiver ran through me at the thought of Jack… It was the funeral the day after tomorrow and I felt sick at the thoughts. Mum was coming over the next day and Nicky was also going to the funeral with me but I didn’t know how I was going to handle it.

"Right, let's have one more run through – with a bit more life to it…"

I did my best. I sang and danced and smiled, but it felt like I was going through the motions and I hoped I could shake the lethargy off. I had to. I was meant to be starting my promo for the single the following week, and that was another thing I didn’t think I’d be able to handle. I couldn’t put a specific finger on how I felt, but it wasn’t right.

Finally rehearsals were over for the day, Louis was excited because the tour programmes had arrived and everyone was looking at them enthusiastically. Except me, that was. I should have been over the moon, but all I could think of was Jack.

Louis came over to me. "Are you OK Niall?"

"Yes…"

"You look a bit pale. You sleeping OK?"

I wasn’t, but there was no point in telling Louis that. I was hoping when the funeral was over, there would be a sense of closure and I might get some rest. At the moment all I was doing was dreaming and if it wasn’t about Jack, it was about me dying – without Liam. I was dreading falling asleep now. I nodded.

"Not too bad…"

"How about eating?"

I was eating, though I was never hungry. Lily and Paul were making sure I was eating. I knew they were worried about me. Lily because she had known me when I was sick, and Paul because we had got to know each other pretty well, and I knew he cared about me. But how could I explain how I felt when I didn’t even know myself…?

"Yes… Louis, stop fussing. I’m fine…"

"No, you’re not Niall… I’m not expecting you to be fine. You’ve been through hell the last few days. No one expects you to be fine, but I would like to know if there’s anything I can do…"

I shook my head. "No. There’s nothing anyone can do…"

 

It was good to see my mam the following day. I was in rehearsal, and Paul picked her up. Louis had asked her to the rehearsals, but she had declined. Not wanting to draw any more attention to me than I was getting at the minute, for which I was thankful. So she just went straight to Lily’s.

 

She was sat having tea with Lily when I got in. I rushed over to her, suddenly needing her arms around me.

"Mam…"

"Niall, it's good to see you again baby…" She held me tight. "I’m so sorry…"

"I know…" I buried my face in her shoulder, wanting to cry in the worst way but I couldn’t. I still couldn’t cry.

"How you doing?"

"It hurts mam… it hurts…"

"I know, love… I know." She stroked my hair. "I know how close you and Jack were…"

I bit my lip. No one knew just how close we were. I could relate to Jack in a way I could relate to no one else, because we both had been through the same thing. And without being awful, no one can understand what it feels like to know you’re possibly dying unless you’ve been there. We shared the same feelings and emotions… and… I felt part of me had been ripped out. Plus I felt guilty, guilty as hell in fact. I had lived, Jack had died... and no one seemed to understand my guilt. But I couldn’t explain that to my mam, so I just let her hold me and make comforting noises. Even though I knew she couldn’t comfort me, just because no one could. Not really.

It was a very quiet evening. Several times over dinner I felt mam looking at me worriedly and I wondered if I looked different… I didn’t think I did, but who knows…? I picked at Lily’s excellent roast chicken, it was sticking on my throat.

But she didn’t say anything until she was up in my attic room helping me sort my suit out for the following day…

"Niall love, are you feeling OK?"

I stopped whatever it was that I was doing. "Yes… Why shouldn’t I be?" but my voice was guarded.

"I don’t know… you seem very… under the weather I guess… and you’re pale… I … I guess I worry about you..."

It was on the tip of my tongue to say 'what? That I’m dying?' But I didn’t. I sat down.

"Mam, I’m fine… just still shocked about Jack I think, and what with the single promo and the tour… I’ll be OK…"

She put her arm round me. "I know… but you’re still my little boy… I’m allowed to worry…"

 

But I’d caused her enough worry for a lifetime… Jesus, why was life so complicated…? All I could do was hug her tight.

 

I don’t remember much about Jack’s funeral. It passed in a blur. I remember getting ready in the morning, mam ironing my shirt and tying my black tie… I remember walking into the church and Diane hugging me… The priest talking about Jack, about how brave he was and what a tragedy his death was… I felt distanced from it, as though I was watching from the outside… Then we were outside by the grave…

I watched as the coffin was lowered … It didn’t feel real to me… The lump in my throat was enormous, but no tears would come… I hung back after the service had finished, wanting one last minute with Jack, but not wanting to intrude on his family… But Diane waved me over.

"I’m so glad you came Niall… Jack would have appreciated it…"

I nodded and looked at the ground, not wanting to look in her eyes and see her pain and loss and certainly not wanting to look at the coffin. I didn’t know what to say, I had come closer to death than anyone stood there, and I didn’t know what to say.

Diane took my hand and squeezed it… "Niall honey, you’re frozen…come on…"

I shook my head… "No… I need… I need a moment…"

She seemed to understand… "OK Niall, but don’t stay too long… You don’t want to be getting cold…"

Mam looked at me. "I’ll be with Paul in the car love, but don’t be long…"

I nodded and there was only me and Zayn stood there. "Do you want me to go Ni?"

"Please… I’m not being funny but… I need…"

"I know…"

I watched him leave, and there was only me at the graveside. "Jack… I’m sorry… Sorry if I gave you the wrong advice, sorry I wasn’t there for you… Sorry I’m still here and you’re not…" I didn’t know what to say… "I don’t know anything anymore… and I don’t know if I want to…" I shivered as the wind blew through me. It was icy, but there were still no tears. It was breaking me up inside, and I couldn’t cry… I’d thought I’d be able to, but now I knew I couldn’t. I bent down and picked a single white rose from the mass of flowers.

"I’m going to miss you so much kid… You’ll never know how much…" And I threw the rose onto the coffin. Then I looked heavenward as the first drops of rain began to fall. "Why God? Why?"

The wind took my words away…

 

By the time I made it back to the people carrier, I was soaked… It was one of those heavy showers that come without warning. Zayn threw open the door…

"Jesus Niall, you’re wet through…" I sat next to mam, suddenly shaking. I was frozen. I hadn’t noticed till that moment. Mam touched my face – her warm hand seemed to burn my skin.

"Niall, you’ll catch your death…" Not appropriate words - but then again, maybe that’s what I wanted…?

Paul turned up the heat, muttering to himself. I sat shivering. Diane had invited me back to the house but I was too wet and too cold, and mam wouldn’t have let me if I had have been able to face it. Zayn went to explain, whilst mam rubbed my hands.

Paul took me straight home where Lily was waiting to fuss over me too. I wanted to scream at them all to stop and just leave me, but I couldn’t… I knew they were all concerned about me. Mam made me get a hot bath which at least warmed me, then made me go to bed with hot tea. I could tell she was worried.

"Ni love… maybe I should get a doctor…?"

"Why? I just got wet…that’s all!"

"But…"

I took a deep breath… trying to keep calm. "Mam, I’m fine. I have no nosebleeds, no hot sweats, no swollen glands… I had my bi-yearly check up seven weeks ago and I’m fine… I’m not getting sick again!"

"I didn’t think that…" she protested…

"Didn’t you?" I replied pointedly. "Look mam, I’m really tired and I just need to rest." I needed to cry as well, but it wasn’t happening…

She sighed deeply… "OK baby, it's only because I love you, you know?"

"I know that…"

 

The alarm woke me next day, no rest for the wicked. I had rehearsals for half the day and single promo for the rest. I struggled out of bed with difficulty. I was stiff and all my bones ached, no doubt as a result of the soaking I’d got the day before. I also felt slightly nauseous.

The hot shower didn’t really help, so I swallowed two paracetamol tablets and prayed it would wear off. I had a busy day ahead of me.

I got through it, but I felt like crap. Jesus, I hoped I wasn’t coming down with anything again. I just couldn’t be ill… the tour would be kicking off in less than a week, and then the single would be released… But I had no energy, felt sick and achy… and I couldn’t tell anyone.

Surprisingly enough, I didn’t get hassled as much. I guessed they were all thinking that it was grief over Jack’s death that was affecting me. It was, but it was also physical now, and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. But I was getting through it by taking as many painkillers as I could. I still ached, but without them it was getting to be agony, especially my back and legs.

So, that was the pattern for the next couple of days. Mam went back to Mullingar… She would be back over with the family for the Dublin shows, and I struggled on. If anyone noticed how many painkillers I was taking, they didn’t say anything so I guessed they hadn't noticed… Paul in particular wouldn’t have been able to keep quiet!

Three days after Jack’s funeral, when I was getting used to living with the pain, I got to the rehearsal studio and Louis was waiting for me with a curious expression on his face.

"Can I have a quick word Niall?"

I nodded. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No Niall… I just wanted to make sure you saw this before someone else showed you, or said something…" It was a copy of the Irish Daily Star. I looked at the headlines. 'Fears over Pop Idol Niall’s health p.5'

I groaned. Inside the story covered most of the page.

_'Fears were growing over the health of young Pop Idol Niall Horan’s health last night… The young star was seen looking pale and thin as he attended the funeral of a close friend who lost his battle with Leukaemia last week. Niall is preparing for the start of the Pop idol tour that will cover most of Ireland and also the release of his third single which is tipped for the #1 spot once more, but an insider says the young star is worrying people close to him. It's no secret Niall has battled leukaemia twice in his own short life and despite making an amazing recovery he is still not classed as completely cured and receives regular check ups. As you can see from our pictures, he no longer appears the healthy carefree lad who won the competition a year ago. There has been no official word from Niall’s management about his health, he has been rehearsing with the rest of the Pop Idol team and promoting his single. Let's hope a heavy schedule is behind his changing appearance!'_

There was a picture of me not long after I’d won the competition laughing and there was a large picture of me at Jack’s funeral. Shit, I hadnt even known they were taking it… Couldn’t they leave me alone for that one day? But I had to admit they were right… I looked terrible, even paler in my black suit and tie. I bit my lip.

"Niall…" Louis’ voice pulled me back to the present. "Before I deny any of this, because believe you me, the phone hasn’t stopped ringing… Is there anything I should know?"

I looked up at him… "What the hell do you mean Louis…? Of course there isn't... I’m OK just tired and a bit down… You saw the report from my last check-up!"

"I know I did… and I think… I hope that if you had any worries about your health, you’d come to me… I just don’t want to say the wrong thing… We need to stop these rumours…"

I nodded… "Where did it come from?"

"I don’t know… As far as I can tell some shitty photographer got that pic of you at Jack’s funeral and the paper’s made a meal of it… You don’t look too good on it!"

I forced a smile. "Thanks Louis… So no one here leaked it?"

"Not as far as I can find out…"

I took a deep breath. "Tell them I’m fine… Naturally very upset about Jack, but very excited about the tour… and the new single as it’s the first I’ve written…"

He smiled at me. "That’s my boy… You’re learning… Now go and rehearse."

 

But the story must have prayed on my mind, because suddenly I was beginning to be convinced I was coming out of remission… And despite the dreams in which I had been preoccupied with death, I had never consciously thought that before. I’d rub my nose hard, waiting for it to bleed and prod myself… Waiting for a livid bruise to appear. I’d press my spleen looking for hardness and tenderness, but there was nothing… So I began to imagine it was even worse… What if the constant aching was a sign something was wrong somewhere else…? I remembered when I was sick, the lumbar punctures to make sure nothing had spread into my spine… What if it had? What if it was in my spine and my bones - and that’s why I hurt so much…? I was feeling nauseous as well… I began to be very scared.

But I struggled on… I just had to get through this tour and this promo… Nothing else mattered. I had let Jack down, I couldn’t let the fans down as well. It was the day of the first dress rehearsal and I was stood on the balcony at the back of the stage singing when the waves of dizziness and faintness started to wash over me. I clutched onto the rail, unable to move because I knew I’d collapse.

Zayn was watching and he must have realised something was wrong. He told me later that I just went white in a second and started to sway. He was up the stairs and holding me…

"Ni… what's wrong?"

I shook my head, unable to speak as an indescribable feeling of sickness rose in me. Unable to stop myself, I vomited…

"S…sorry… Zee…" I managed before I threw up again.

"It's OK Ni… Can we have the nurse here…?" Zayn was holding me tightly. "And can someone get Paul Higgins…?"

Paul was up the steps immediately. "It's OK, Niall… I’ve got you…" His voice came from a distance, and I let him pick me up. He carried me down the steps, and set me gently on my feet on the stage. My knees buckled and I hit the floor before Paul could even catch me.

"OK… ring for an ambulance…NOW!" Consciousness was coming over me in waves, but I focused on Paul.

"I don’t … need … ambulance…"

"Sorry Niall, but I think you do… Now lay there and don’t try to move, you little troublemaker…" He gave me a grin and I knew he was trying to make light of the situation, so as not to panic me… That inside he was worried sick…

Despite him telling me not to move, I tried to sit up. My body felt like lead and my legs hurt so much… The act of moving made me vomit again, and this time Paul gently forced me back down. "Niall, do as I say…"

I clutched at his arm… "Paul… I’m scared…"

"Don’t be…"

"But… but… I can’t hardly move and it hurts so much… I don’t want to die Paul… I’m scared of dying…"

"Niall stop talking bullshit… you aren't going to die…"

But I wasn’t convinced, and what was even worse - I was a coward… Because I could feel tears in my eyes. I could cry with fear for myself but I couldn’t cry for Jack… No wonder I was being punished…

But only one tear escaped… One for sorrow. With a sigh I closed my eyes… It was easier that way!

 

 

 

 

  
I don’t know how long I lay there on the floor. I could hear Paul moving the others out, their shocked whispers and murmurs… And then someone was knelt beside me covering me with a blanket. I struggled to open my eyes…

It was Zayn, looking pale. "How are you feeling Ni?"

"Shite!" I looked up at him.

"How long you been feeling ill?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t properly know to be honest, but definitely worse since Jack had died…

He seemed about to say something when suddenly the door opened and Louis was there… Real concern on his face.

"Jesus Niall… what happened…?"

I shook my head, Zayn began to explain… Louis listened to him.

"Paul’s called an ambulance…"

I groaned. "I… don’t want to go to hospital…"

"Tough Niall, because we need to get you checked out… I’ve already rung the hospital and they’ll see you privately…"

I swallowed. I knew what Louis was thinking, knew what everyone must be thinking, and to be honest I was thinking similar. OK, so I had no real leukaemia symptoms apart from the extreme fatigue, but surely it was too much of a coincidence… But I was scared, shit scared in fact.

The paramedics were soon there, and Paul and Zayn filled them in on what had happened. They put me on a stretcher and it was all too reminiscent of the time I had collapsed at school… I heard Louis talking to Paul and next thing I was in the ambulance and Louis was with me. He gave me a smile.

"Paul’s going to meet us at the hospital…"

I nodded. "I’m really sorry Louis…"

"Why? It's not your fault… We’ll get it sorted, kid…" He gave me a kind smile… "Don’t worry about it, Niall…"

But I did…

It wasn’t long before we were pulling up at the hospital and they were wheeling me in. Louis spoke to someone, and I was taken down long corridors then into a small room. I was lifted onto the examination table, and a nurse smiled at me.

"Hi Niall… I’m nurse Basil and I hear you passed out and were sick… How you feeling now?"

I shook my head… "I hurt…"

"Whereabouts?"

"I ache all over, but my legs and back are worst…"

"Do you still feel sick?"

"A little…"

"Have you got headache, Niall?"

"Not especially…"

"OK I’m going to take your temperature and other observations, then the doctor will be in very soon to examine you…" He did this. As he made to leave, Louis stopped him…

"Any idea what it is?"

"Not at the moment, Mr Walsh. Niall’s temperature is more or less normal, as is his BP, his pulse is a little too fast and weak, but that could be the shock…"

"OK…"

I didn’t know what to say as I lay there, so I settled for not speaking at all. I just wanted to get out and go home, but I felt too weak to even move.

Fortunately the doctor soon appeared. I didn’t recognise him, which made me feel a little better. They obviously hadn't rushed my specialist over.

"Hello Niall… I’m Dr Edwards… I hear you’re not feeling too good…"

"No…not really…"

"How long you felt ill?"

This would be the one, when I told him ever since Jack had died… Louis would go ballistic but I had no choice.

"A few days…" I heard Louis’ sharp intake of breath.

"And have you been ill before this…?"

"I had flu and tonsillitis a couple of weeks ago… I guess I haven't felt great since then…"

"It can sometimes be a bugger to shift…" He smiled at me. "And how do you feel now?"

"I hurt all over, my legs and back are really painful… And I feel sick…"

"Right then…" He looked at me. "Niall I’ll be straight with you, I’m not saying this is anything serious because it more than likely isn't, but because of your medical history I need to be on the side of caution… So I need to do some tests…"

I sighed. I knew this was coming.

"I’m going to take some blood samples, and also do a bone marrow biopsy and a lumbar puncture. That should rule out the serious things…" He saw my face. "I know they’re not pleasant, but it's necessary…"

I nodded. It didn’t seem I’d be getting out soon. "You want to do them now?"

"The sooner the better Niall… I’ll get the forms for you to sign…" He disappeared.

 

I sighed again. Louis heard me, and came over.

"They need to be thorough Niall…"

"I know that… it's… it's…"

"It's what?"

"Nothing…"

"Tell me… If it's something worrying you…"

It wasn’t anything worrying me as such, only I’d never had the tests without someone being there for me. Either Liam or mam or dad… And even if Mam knew, it would take her a few hours to get from Mullingar…

"Does mam know?"

"Yes… Paul was calling her… I told her not to worry though, as we didn’t know what was wrong with you yet."

"Can you find out if she’s coming over…?"

"Sure I can…" He ruffled my hair and stood up. "I’ll go and find Paul now…"

I lay back after the door closed, and looked at the ceiling. This was so unreal… and at the back of my mind was how close it was to the tour. I had to be OK… A lot was riding on it…

The door opened again and it was Dr Edwards… He had a handful of papers… I signed where he told me to, and he gave me a smile.

"Right then Niall… I’ll do the local anaesthetic now, then we can get on with the tests…"

 

I rolled onto my side as he asked, and took a deep breath as the needle went into my lower back. I was sort of used to the bone marrow biopsy as I had one every six months, but I’d not had a lumbar puncture for years… And I was scared… Why hadn't I begged Louis to stay with me? He would have been better than nothing.

I went numb pretty quickly, and I didn’t feel him do the second shot in my hip… "OK Niall… I'll be back in 15 mins…"

I closed my eyes, the tears were still behind them though, unable to escape… but I opened them again as the door opened. There was Paul standing over the bed…

"Heya kid…" He gave me a smile, "How you doing?"

"I don’t know… Ask me when I’ve had these tests…"

"Yeah the doc said you needed some… to rule out you coming out of remission…"

I nodded… "I’m scared Paul…"

He looked serious and rubbed my arm… "Don’t be… It's highly unlikely you are, the doc said that to Louis… They just don’t want to take any chances…"

"I hate being ill… "

"I know…"

"Louis said you were ringing mam… what did she say?"

"She’s on her way over…"

"I didn’t want to worry her…"

"Niall, she’d be more worried being in Mullingar …"

"I wish she was here now!"

"Why?"

"I hate… having these tests…" And suddenly I was telling him about my fears, especially of the lumbar puncture…

He put his hand on my arm again… "You poor little bugger… Do you want me to stay with you whilst you have them… if they’ll let me…?"

I swallowed hard, I didn’t want to appear a baby but I felt more alone than I’d ever felt before. I was scared, it wasn’t like I was Niall Horan pop star… I was Niall Horan, the lad from Mullingar with leukaemia. I nodded and licked my lips.

"Please, if you don’t mind…?"

"Of course I don’t…" he smiled and sat next to the bed. "Jesus, you didn’t half scare me today… I wish you’d told me you were feeling ill though…"

"I thought it would go away…" I couldn’t explain that me telling him, would have made my fears seem more real… As if they werent real enough…

That was all I said… There was nothing to say really… Paul kept looking at me with worry in his eyes and I felt very guilty for causing all this trouble. But I didn’t have time to dwell on it because the door opened and the doctor was there, with a nurse…

"OK Niall," he came behind me. "How’s that feel?"

"How’s what feel…?" I hadn't felt a thing!

"Nice and numb then…"

He must have touched my back…

"Right then, Niall… I’m going to move you over to this stool, because we’re going to do the LP with you sat down… you’re co-operative and old enough to keep still," he smiled. "Just sit down and lean as far forward over the table as you can…"

I wasn’t liking the sound of this one bit, but I did as he asked. He was calling the shots… Paul stood near me, trying to smile, but I could see he was worried.

They had dressed me in a short white gown and asked me to remove my boxers. I felt very exposed though I knew it was so they could get at the site for the puncture unhindered. All the time Dr Edwards explained what he was doing as I couldn’t feel it… I would have rather not known.

"I’m disinfecting the LP site now Niall… It’s a good job you’re numb, as it's very cold… Right… I need you to keep as still as you can… I want to be in and out and get a nice clean sample…"

I felt the pressure on my back and took a deep breath.

Suddenly my whole world exploded into stabbing pain… I screamed and heard myself from a distance…

"ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

It was the worst pain I had ever felt, directing from my ‘numb’ lower back and shooting right down my right leg. I could hear both Paul and Dr Edwards speaking, but the words didn’t penetrate… All that mattered was getting away from the pain. Ignoring what I was sure were pleas for me to keep still, I jumped up and pushed past the nurse in a blind panic.

I was surprised my legs worked as my right one was shooting pains upwards… Tears and sweat blinding my vision I dashed to the door, stumbling…

"Niall… stop there…" Dr Edwards’ voice was calm. I could hear Paul asking what had happened, but all that mattered to me was getting away…

"Nooooooo, you hurt me…" The door came open and I dashed into the hallway, only to be overcome with nausea. Swaying, I vomited - and then everything went dark as I fainted…

 

"It's OK Niall… I’m here…" A familiar voice came at me from a distance – Paul’s voice! I tried to open my eyes, and became aware I was laying on the floor… Pain was still shooting up my leg and into my back or vice versa, and I became aware I was laid on the cold floor.

"Paul… make them stop… Please don’t let them hurt me again…"

"Oh Ni…" There was pain in his eyes, a reflection of my pain. He brushed my sweaty hair out of my eyes…

"OK Niall… I’m sorry about that, we must have caught a nerve with the needle… We’re going to put you on a trolley and take you back inside to have another go…"

"No… please… leave me…" I tried to get up, but hands were taking hold… I struggled and fought against them… "Please… can't bear it… again… please…"

"It wont happen again… just relax Niall…"

I lashed out in terror… All I could think of was that pain… feel it over and over again. "No… leave me alone… please…"

"Niall, we need to do this test… I’ll give you some more local, you wont feel a thing…"

But I fought all the way, and it took about four of them to get me on the trolley and keep me there. I was sobbing and begging and pleading… Calling for my mam and my dad to stop them. "Please Paul… "

"Do you have to do it now?" I heard him asking the man. "Can’t you let him calm down first…?"

"Not really, it will mean getting him to sign another consent form, and the state he’s in, I cant see him doing that... plus if we don’t do it now, it will be tomorrow… It's far kinder for Niall to get it over with…"

"Doesn’t look as if it is!" Paul muttered and touched my hand… "Sorry Ni… you’re going to have to go through with it…"

"Please… please…"

But my pleas and tears were useless… I was taken back into the room, still struggling and laid on the bed.

"Niall, I know you’re scared and upset… but listen to me. You have to try and keep still."

"I’m in fucking agony!" I yelled… lashing out weakly with my legs.

"I know you’re in considerable discomfort, but I’m going back in… I need to get a sample…"

And nothing I said or did would stop him… Whose body was it anyway? I was beginning to wonder… At that moment I didn’t care if I lived or died, as long as I stopped him from putting that needle between the vertebrae of my back… but I had no chance…

Hands grabbed me and pinned me to the bed on my side, pushing my knees up into a foetal position and holding them there in a vice like grip, holding my arms down and my head still… I knew the battle was lost, I had no fight left in me, only pain in my back and leg…

"It's OK Niall…" I felt Paul’s hand on my forehead. "Just relax lad…"

But I couldn’t. I was tense and when the doctor started pushing on my back, I began to sob pitifully, one more example of how weak a person I was… I couldn’t cry for Jack but could cry for myself and the pain I was in – pain Jack had been through many times…

I don’t know if it hurt or not. I was too weak and scared to really realise and it was hurting from the first attempt. I seemed to be pinned to the bed for an age before the doctor was announcing he had what he needed and the nurse was dressing my back.

"All over now Niall…" he said soothingly, but it was wasted on me… I was past caring, and I felt very sick…

"Gonna… throw… up!" Not that I cared about letting them know at that moment. A cardboard bowl appeared under my nose and I vomited feebly into it.

"Should he be sick?" Paul sounded worried…

"It's not uncommon with a traumatic LP," The voice was kind… "And it’s the pain and the shock…"

"What happened…?"

"I think the needle must have caught a nerve… it doesn’t happen that often…"

"Will it have any side effects? Any permanent damage…?"

"It shouldn’t have… he might have a bit of pain in the affected nerve for awhile…" He then spoke to me. "You still feeling sick Niall?"

I shook my head. I had a sickly feeling, but I knew I wasn’t going to vomit anymore…

"Good, because we have to lay you flat for a few hours… Either on your back or your tummy… Think we’ll start off on your back and turn you as the anaesthetic wears off…"

Closing my eyes, I determinedly turned myself over onto my back and stretched out, whimpering at the pain that shot down or up my right leg… They’d manhandled me enough over the last hour.

"Good lad Niall… I’ll get the doctor in to see if you can have something to make you sleep a bit… then you should feel much better when you wake up…"

I couldn’t be bothered to answer… All I wanted to do was go home… Suddenly I felt exhausted, mentally and physically.

"How you feeling Niall?" Paul sounded worried.

"Fucking shite…"

"Oh Niall…" he touched my shoulder gently. "I’m sorry…"

"Sorry for what?"

"Not being able to help you…"

"It's not your fault…" I yawned… "And I’m sorry Paul, but I’m knackered…"

"You get some rest then… I’ll stay here…"

If that fucking bastard of a doctor Edwards came back with anything to make me sleep, I didn’t know… I was already sound asleep!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update next Friday... if I can :)


	20. T-W-E-N-T-Y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about taking so long uploading this chapter, but it's extra long, so I hope I'm forgiven... :)

"Jesus what happened…?"

"Apparently they caught a nerve with the needle… and the poor little bugger went mad… he was in the hall before we could stop him but then he fainted."

"And they still carried on?"

Low voices semi woke me… I recognised Louis and Paul.

"They had no choice they said… so they held him down…"

"Shit… why didn’t they knock him out?"

"God knows… made me feel sick to watch and listen to him cry…"

"Well I’ll be complaining… we’re not paying all this to have them treat him like shit… Have they said anymore about what it might be or how long he’ll be in for…?"

"No … the doctor came in with something to make him sleep but the poor little sod was already out of it… then he went…"

"I’ll go find him when Niall’s mam gets here… she rang me from the airport so she should be here any minute…"

I struggled to open my eyes at that. I needed to see my mam, and I didn’t want her to worry… But the minute I opened my eyes I felt my head throb and sickness rise in my throat. I began to retch.

"It's OK Niall…" Paul was by the bedside turning my head. "Ring for the nurse Louis… they said he was to be kept flat so I darent sit him up, but I don’t want him to choke…"

I couldn’t believe the pain I was in. My head was thumping and my back was no longer numb but very sore, and the shooting pains in my leg were almost unbearable.

"Please…" I managed to whisper.

Louis was looking scared, trying to smile at me. "You’ll be OK Niall… your mam’s on her way…"

Suddenly the door opened and the nurse was there with Dr Edwards…

"He’s just woken up and started to be sick… I didn’t know whether to sit him up or what?" Paul sounded accusing.

"Let's have a look at you then! How you feeling…?"

"Crap…" I retched again.

"Do you hurt anywhere…?"

I wanted to laugh at his stupidity, but I didn’t have the strength. "Yeah… my head is thumping… and my back…"

"That’s quite a common side effect."

"And my leg…"

He examined me briefly… "OK nurse… give Niall 2 painkillers," he was ignoring the fact I was crying out with every touch. He made to leave, but Louis blocked the way.

"Could I have a word please?"

"I’m very busy!"

"It wont take long…"

"Alright… what's the problem?"

"I wanted to know what the hell happened?"

"What do you mean Mr Walsh…?"

"Paul here tells me this test didn’t quite go according to plan!"

"No… I’m afraid not… as with all medical procedures there is a risk…"

"So what happened…?"

"The needle must have caught one of Niall’s nerves as it passed into his spinal area… causing a flare up of pain… he panicked – which is quite understandable."

"Paul says you had to hold him down to do the procedure…"

"We did have to restrain him for his own good… he was moving too much…"

"He was scared shitless that you were going to cock it up again and cause him more pain…"

"He was tense and nervous… but the procedure was textbook the second time around…"

"Why the hell didn’t you knock him out? Or leave him to rest?"

"Because it was in everyone’s best interests to get it done, and the CSF to lab asap – Not least of all Niall’s! I’m sorry it was so traumatic for him, but at the end of the day we’re testing him for potentially life threatening conditions... and I would do the same again…!"

"I still think you were wrong…"

"That as may be Mr Walsh… now anything else before I carry on?"

"How long will Niall be in here for?"

"Well that would be dependent on the test results… if they come back clear normally we’d let him out tomorrow after a LP but considering the complications today it will be 48 hours…"

"I see… thank you!" To me, Louis’s tone was icy…

"Louis… the tour…" I was worrying myself about it.

"Don’t worry about it kid!"

"Of course I am… I can't let people down…"

"It might not come to that, and if it does - it's not your fault… now concentrate on feeling better…"

I closed my eyes, I was suffering mentally as well as physically. I’d let everyone down, my mam and dad and family by being gay, Jack by letting him die, Zayn by unconsciously leading him on, Louis and Simon, the fans – it had all been false pretences… I should have known something like this would happen… Fuck… I must have let Liam down too, or he’d be here with me… At that moment I didn’t care whether I did die… I just wanted a respite from the pain…

 

 

I must have dozed off again because the next time I was aware, it was of a cool hand on my forehead… I struggled to open my eyes again despite the pounding headache that the painkillers hadnt even touched…

"You’re going to be fine Niall… just rest…"

"Mam…"

Mam gave a little chuckle. "Who else? Now what you been doing to yourself this time?"

I blinked… "I don’t know mam… I haven't felt well and… I passed out… and… and…." I couldn’t even begin to tell her about how awful the last few hours had been… "I had to… they… did a…"

"A lumbar puncture… I know Ni… and I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you…"

"It's not your fault mam… and it would still have been the same…" I bit my lip… "I’m so very scared…"

"What of sweetheart? I won't let them hurt you again…"

I shook my head and winced at the pain. "Not being hurt… I hurt already… I’m scared… of what’s wrong with me!"

"Don’t think like that Niall… You can't think like that!" Mam’s voice was firm as she brushed my hair from my eyes.

 

"But…"

"Not even a but Niall Horan… You haven’t had a relapse!"

"You don’t know that!"

"I know, but remember Niall… I’ve seen you suffering with this cursed disease twice in 18 years, I’ve seen you just about go through everything… and OK, at the moment you don’t look well, but you don’t look like you looked either of those times… You’re my son Niall and I’m damned sure I know the signs by now. So stop fearing the worst, OK?"

I had to nod, then I groaned.

"What's wrong love?"

"My head hurts…"

"That’s a side effect of the LP… you know that, you’ve had them before…"

"Not like this mam…" It was a really bad migraine type headache. I let out a little whimper as the pain washed over me…

"Excuse me…" Mam went to the door and attracted the attention of a passing nurse, "Sorry to bother you but my son is in real pain with his head…"

"Oh dear… Let's see what we can do about that…" She was cheerful and smiley, she picked up my chart: "It's Niall, isn't it?"

"Yes…" I whispered.

"And you had a lumbar puncture this afternoon?"

I nodded carefully.

"Well, a headache is a common after effect unfortunately."

"I know… I’ve had LP’s before but… I’ve never had a headache like this… and I feel sick with it…"

"OK, I’ll get the doctor…"

I groaned. I didn’t want another session with Dr Edwards, but luckily it was someone different.

"I’m doctor Phillips… Pleased to meet you, Niall…" He was business like and went straight for my notes. "I see the LP caused a few problems…"

"Yes…"

"Can you turn onto your belly for me please?"

Carefully I rolled over, retching a little. The nurse shoved a paper bowl in front of me. I felt him removing the dressing on my back. He called the nurse over and they talked in low voices for a minute or two, before he turned his attention back to me.

"Right then Niall – can you stay on your front for a few minutes whilst we get fresh dressings…"

Mam was getting impatient. "I’m sorry doctor, but it's his head that’s really giving him problems, not so much his back…"

Doctor Phillips moved next to mam, but where I could see him from my face down position too.

"I’m afraid there’s been another complication…" I froze… and I heard mam take a sharp breath. "Nothing to really worry about but there’s been a leak of CSF… until Niall’s body replaces it, he will have some headache and nausea…"

I buried my face in the pillow – what else could go wrong?! I could vaguely hear mam asking about the medical implications, but I didn’t want to know. This was just great!

"So there’s nothing you can do?" Mam sounded accusing.

"Not for the leak, we can give him something for the pain…"

"Whatever you gave him earlier didn’t work, and he’s still in pain with his back and leg… Which need never have happened."

"We’ll give him something stronger…" he rang for his nurse and sent her for some drug. I didn’t know what it was, and I was definitely past caring.

A few minutes later he was turning me on my back again and wiping inside my elbow with something damp.

"OK Niall, a little scratch - and you’ll feel much better…" He gave me a smile as he injected something into me. "This is morphine based so you will feel a bit strange and maybe very sleepy. So go with it, but it should ease the pain…"

I lay there feeling warmth rush through me and replace pain. My eyes were very heavy, so I closed them… That felt better.

When I opened my eyes again, I was floating – or at least that’s what it felt like, but there was no pain. Nothing in my leg or back or head, and I didn’t feel sick. In fact I felt numb, but it was better than I had felt for the last few days.

"You awake again…?" It was mam.

"I dunno…" My voice sounded funny and slurred. I felt drunk but in a nice way. "I feel… weird."

She gave me a smile, but I could see the worry at the edges. I wondered why she was worried… Jesus I wasn’t, not feeling like this.

"It’s the medication Niall…"

I nodded foolishly.

"I take it you’re not hurting now?"

"Nope!" I gave a big grin as I popped the 'p'…

Just then the door opened, and in came Louis and Paul.

"H…hiya…. Louis…"

He gave mam a strange look. "What's up now?"

"Nothing Louis, they gave him a strong painkiller…" I nodded and grinned in agreement.

"And he’s as high as a kite now?" Paul gave me a smile. "How you feeling kid?"

"Fan-fuckin-tastic!"

"NIALL! Your mam’s here…"

Mam laughed. "Oh don’t worry, he doesn’t know what he’s saying anyway…"

That was true… My mouth and brain didn’t seem to be connecting, and my brain didn’t seem to be working anyway. I giggled…

Louis sat down with a sigh. "Well I suppose it's better being like this than how he was earlier!"

Paul nodded. "Jesus I don’t want to have to see the poor little sod go through that again…"

"I bet…" Mam gave him a sympathetic smile. "We know what that’s like and I don’t think we’ve ever had them mess one up before…"

At that moment - it didn’t matter. I was feeling great, and when they finally left and I settled I slept for hours, deep uninterrupted sleep.

 

 

I woke up not feeling quite as good next morning… I was sore, my leg was still having shooting pains up it and my head throbbed. And I felt like bursting into tears

"How are you this morning, Niall?" A nurse smiled at me.

"Sore..."

"OK. The medication will have worn off by now. I’ll ask the doctor to pop along."

To my horror it was Dr Edwards… He examined me quickly and checked my chart. "You need plenty of fluid Niall, you need to drink more, especially if we’re going to release you tomorrow."

"You are?"

"If the LP results are clear yes…"

"But I hurt… My head…"

"We’ll give you something for that."

"Like last night…"

"Not as powerful… though it did the trick last night…"

I groaned… They weren’t going to give me a miracle, I flopped back onto the pillows.

 

Though to be fair, the tablets they gave me did ease my headache. My stomach was churning though, and I wondered if that was the after effects of the LP or the worry of the results. Mam came early, Paul dropped her off. Louis was at rehearsals, no doubt fielding calls from the press and everyone who had found out I was ill…

"So how you doing Ni?"

"Not as good as last night..."

"You were out of your head then!"

"But at least it didn’t hurt…"

"Ni… You know they cant keep giving you stuff like that though…"

"I know… I just want the pain to stop…"

"Oh baby, it will." She sat on my bed and hugged me. "It will be fine, Niall… trust me!"

It was at that point Dr Edwards came in – he coughed and mam moved back but only slightly, she was sat protecting me.

"Good morning again Niall, Mrs Horan… I’ve the results of Niall’s tests here…"

My heart started to beat rapidly. Mam reached for my hand and held it tight.

"Niall, there is absolutely no sign of any re-emergence of leukaemia cells in your blood, bone marrow or CSF! You haven't got Leukaemia…"

I heard mam’s sigh of relief, and I wanted to feel like that - but I couldn’t! There had to be something the matter with me – even if the symptoms had fallen into insignificance after the LP.

"Then why do I feel like shit?"

He looked at me… "I don’t know Niall, but that’s part and parcel of not being terminally ill. You have days when you are just sick."

"I know that…"

"The chances are it could be something viral after the flu. We’ll give you a course of anti-viral medication when we release you…"

"Which will be when?"

"Tomorrow morning… and just have you back in a couple of weeks to check out the LP."

He left and mam looked at me… "Told you it would be good news…!"

"I still feel crap though mam, and I don’t know why..." At the back of my mind was the thoughts they could have made a mistake, but I kept quiet. I didn’t want to upset mam anymore, but I wasn’t convinced.

 

Louis didn’t look as happy as I’d imagined he would when he heard.

"That’s great, Niall…"

"Yeah!" We both were preoccupied. "So how’s rehearsals?"

"Good…" He didn’t look at me. "Niall… We’re going to have to discuss what we’re going to do… I didn’t want to bother you whilst there was a chance… well … you know, before you had your results…"

"Before you knew whether I was going to die or not!" I voiced what he couldn’t say.

"But now we know… we have to decide…"

"Decide what?"

"If you can do this tour!"

I was shocked… "I want to, Louis… I don’t want to let the fans down… or you!"

"You could never let me down Niall … and the fans will understand… though I’ve actually managed to keep most of this out of the press… You’ve been taking a couple of days rest after the stress of the last few weeks. But if you’re going to scratch the shows we need to be telling people…"

"I didn’t intend to scratch them… I want to do this…"

"But there’s the after effects of that bloody lumbar puncture… Your mam said it could be a couple of weeks before they ease… And the opening night is three days away…"

"But I want to do it and they’re letting me out… Please Louis…"

"It might be too much…"

"We can ask the doctor… and I’ll let Zee and Drew share some of my numbers… anything, but please let me do it!"

"I’m not trying to stop you… but you have to be certain you can make it…"

I knew I was pleading and I equally knew I wasn’t fit enough… the headache was already edging its way back. But I wanted to do this more than anything… Singing was the one thing I had right in my life, and I didn’t want to lose it.

Louis was weighing it up, I could see it by his expression. Finally he gave me a small smile and nodded. "OK then, let's have a word with this doctor…"

 

Dr Edwards was surprisingly in favour of it. He was hinting it would do me good to get back into my normal life, that I was dwelling too much on illness. Reading between the lines, I gathered he was saying a lot of it was in my mind.

"Niall, you will be in pain for a couple of weeks, but I can give you some very good pain killers. But you must be sensible with them!"

Both me and Louis gave him a quizzical look. He went on.

"They aren't meant to be used for more than five days at a time without a break, OK? And hopefully after 5 days on them you will find ordinary over the counter medication helps. Also you mustn’t take more than 3 a day, and no drinking alcohol with them. Do you understand that, Niall?"

I nodded. If it meant I could have a relatively pain free time, and do the tour I would agree to anything.

Dr Edwards wrote out a prescription. "There’s enough there, but if you need to go over 5 days you must contact me…"

"We will…"

"And watch out for side effects… They can affect sleep patterns, upset your stomach, cause itching and moodiness just to name a few of them… If you have any doubts - stop taking them, and contact a doctor…"

"He will, I’ll make sure of it…"

I lay in bed that night. There was no point in worrying about anything after the next couple of weeks, this tour might be my only chance to realise one of my main dreams. And it would be worth any price!

 

 

 

I woke up from a disturbed night with a headache – which was the norm at the moment. I sighed and tried not to think that we were in Cork and it was the day! The opening night of the tour… I should be so excited. I was excited, but I wished I felt better…

I’d been out of hospital for two days, and there hadn't been much improvement. I don’t know if the original symptoms were still there, because I was in so much pain from the cocked up lumbar puncture. I was gettting spasms in my back and shooting pains down my leg, and of course the headaches. They were there constantly, like a migraine – complete with nausea and I felt I was being driven mad. I’d held them at bay with ordinary painkillers so far. I had the medication the doctor had given me back at the hospital, but despite my desperation to get them - I was reluctant to take them.

But as I got out of bed retching and had to rush to the loo, I realised that there was only one way to get through the next couple of weeks and that was to take the tablets. After I had vomited I went to my washbag and found the bottle. I looked at them, I’d never heard of Tramadol before, but I reasoned I’d taken just about every prescription drug going at some stage during my illness - so why should these be different? I’d never had a problem with any medication before – apart from chemo of course, so I’d be fine. Reading the instructions I swallowed one, then got moving – with a final dress rehearsal and some promo. It was going to be a busy day.

I guessed it was that busy I didn’t notice the effects of the medication to start with. I noticed the pain seemed to disappear miraculously, and I thanked God for that. I also noticed I felt a bit spaced out to start with, but that soon seemed to wear off. I was going to be fine, it was going to work.

I took another one a couple of hours before I went on stage. I didn’t want the pounding headache to reoccur then. Then I had a quick meeting with Louis. He had already seen us as a group, but I knew he wanted to see me alone.

"So how you feeling Niall?"

"Good thanks…" I gave a small smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah… I had to start those tablets Dr Edwards gave me though…"

"You mean you haven't been taking them up to now?"

I shook my head. "I wanted to try and manage, but I couldn’t…"

"Fair enough. And how do you feel…? On them, I mean?"

"OK."

"No side effects…?"

"Not so you’d notice… I felt a bit out of it this morning but seems to be fine now…"

"That’s OK then… Let me know if you do feel funny…"

"Will do…"

"Well you’d better go and knock them dead, kid." He gave me a broad smile. I knew what he was thinking – this was the last step – if I proved I could cut it live, the sky was the limit… 

I was nervous, full of nervous energy and I was buzzing. I could do this. This was all I’d ever wanted, and it was my chance to prove it… And make people proud of me. Waiting for the curtain to drop on the opening number, I said a quick prayer to God for bringing me this far.

 

I can’t remember the show really, it passed in a blur, but it went well. I forgot my aches and pains, forgot everything apart from the audience. As I sat out front for one of my solo numbers with my guitar, I felt happy again - and that hit me like a brick. I hadn't felt happy for so long. I smiled into the crowd.

"It's going to sound really cliched but… I do want to thank you all for everything. For voting for me and giving me this… because… it's all I ever wanted, and now - thanks to you all, I can see that…"

The audience went wild. I blinked back a tear, and began to sing.

 

There was a party afterwards. I went along, even though I couldn’t drink. In fact I had to take another tablet as my head was beginning to throb again, probably because of my lack of sleep. I grabbed a mineral water and joined in the analysis of the show. The general view was it had gone well.

I didn’t sleep well that night though, I didn’t know why. I wanted to, I was tired as hell but I couldn’t drop off and when I did I was haunted by nightmares. I guessed I’d just got over tired. And I itched, not badly - but enough to keep me awake.

But I got through the next few days. And remembering the doctors warnings, I stopped taking the Tramadol after five days. I was home anyway – we were doing four sell out nights in Mullingar so I thought I’d be fine. I would relax more and maybe that would help the headaches.

 

It was great being back in Mullingar – obviously I’d been home a lot, but this was the first time coming home as ‘Pop Idol’. There were posters on the streets. 'Welcome Home Niall – Mullingar’s own Pop Idol', and all the local papers and radio station wanted interviews.

 

"So what’s it like to be playing your home town then Niall?"

"Amazing…"

"You’ve had a great welcome, haven't you?"

"Yes, the people have been the best…"

"Well, you’re the local hero."

I smiled. "I’m not really… I was just lucky…"

 

It was the day of the third show in Mullingar and I had the day off so I was going to the bakery to meet Harry… Mam and Paul weren’t too happy about it, there were a lot of fans around the town, but I was adamant. I wanted to be able to come and go in my own town at least.

I’d pulled a baseball cap on and my shades. I didn’t particularly want to be recognised, and I was actually just passing the Record Room where I’d done a signing the previous day of my new single, when someone touched my arm…

"Well, hello there Niall…" The voice was slightly mocking and familiar. I looked up at Liam’s mother. "Fancy seeing you here!"

"Hello Mrs Payne…" I wanted to push past her and disappear. I hadn't seen her since she sat in Lily’s lounge and threatened to out me to the papers almost eighteen months ago, but I didn’t dare risk a scene and I knew she’d make one.

"That all you got to say … hello?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"How about sorry… for wrecking my family…?"

"I didn’t wreck your family… you managed to do that yourself…" I looked her in the eye.

"I haven't seen Liam since that day he walked out of his home to be with you…"

"I’m sorry… but… maybe if you’d been more understanding…"

I could see the anger on her face.

"Understanding? What was there to understand? My son was led astray by a little gay bastard… and for what? True love…? Then why isnt he with you now Niall?"

I felt myself blush. "It… it didn’t work out…"

"Too right it didn’t… What happened? Did you break his heart and cheat on him?"

Dumbly I shook my head. "No…"

"Too good for him were you? Now that you’re famous…?"

"No… It wasn’t like that at all…" I felt tears behind my eyes.

"And now you’re Mullingar’s homecoming hero… Niall’s so good, he gave all that money to Mullingar Regional Hospital for sick kids, he befriends them… Good publicity isn’t it, Niall?"

"No… it's not like that at all…" I finally snapped. "I don’t know how the hell you’ve found that out, because it was meant to be secret… And if you want to know… _He_ left _me_ … _He_ broke _my heart_ , _he_ cheated on _me_ , OK? Bet _that_ makes you happy…"

She gave me a triumphant smile. "Actually, it does…"

" _Good_ , then if you’re happy, you’ll leave me alone…" And I blindly pushed past her. Feeling the tears build. Why the fuck had I come out without Paul…?

I managed to go to Harry’s and not let on what had happened, but it was at the back of my mind. I could feel the headache building to a throb, it was as if it was pressing on my brain.

"Sorry Harry, I’d better be off… I need a rest before the show…"

"Yeah, you’re getting old…" Harry gave me a smile. "We’ll be there tonight, so it had better be good…"

I tried to smile… "It will be…"

I rang a taxi and went home. Paul started to fuss that he could have picked me up, and I should have called.

"It's OK, Paul…"

"That’s what I’m here for Niall!"

"I know… but…"

"You OK?"

"Yes… why?" I was instantly on my guard.

"You look a bit tired, that’s all."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "I was going to have a couple of hours before the show actually…"

"That’s a good idea…"

 

But I lay on my bed, twisting and turning. My headache was new fully fledged, and my leg and back were hurting too. I took the bottle of Tramadol out. I knew they would take the pain away, but I wasn't supposed to take them. But, on the other hand, I couldn’t do the show feeling like I felt. I was totally depressed. Liam’s mother's words had cut through me.

I got up and got a glass of water, before I could think anymore about it I swallowed the tablet quickly. Then lay down waiting for it to work.

It eased the pains quickly as usual, and I managed to get an hour sleep. I woke up feeling better, and I wondered why I’d needed the debate whether or not to take it. After the tour I’d be fine. Until then - I needed them…

 

So we went on from Mulingar to Dublin and the four sell out shows at the Point. I had loved being on tour, apart from not feeling 100%. Next time, it would be better. And my single was set to go in at #1 that week. There would be a next time. Louis was already talking about my solo tour.

The only problem was that I was having to take extra of the Tramadol for the pain really to ease, and for me to not feel grumpy. I hadn't recognised I was feeling grumpy to be honest, and I’d put it down to depression over Jack and the encounter with Mrs Payne – which I had mentioned to no one. But on the day before the final show, Louis heard me snap at Zayn… I was tired and the headache was nuzzling the edges of my skull, and Zayn wanted to go through something, yet again!

"For fuck’s sake, Zayn. It will be fine… Don’t fucking keep on about it! I don’t need another run through again – even if you do!"

There was a stunned silence, then Louis who was hanging around, stepped forward.

"There was no need for that Niall. Apologise to Zayn _now_ … then come and see me in the office!"

I groaned inwardly. I was going to get a bollocking now. I knew I had been out of line, but I blamed my headache.

"Sorry Zayn… I’m just a bit…"

"It's OK Ni…" He was a little cold, and I guess I’d hurt his feelings.

I walked out, conscious of the whispers. I heard Maria make some remark about me getting above myself. It wasn’t like that – at all. If only they knew.

 

Louis was sat behind the desk in the office, he looked at me coldly. "What the fuck was that about, Niall?"

"I don’t know. I just, felt irritable… and, I snapped…"

"That’s not like you at all. I hope to God you’re not letting all this attention and these good reviews go to your head."

"No. Of course I’m not… It's just…"

"Because Zayn might not have won Pop Idol, but he’s a talented lad, and nice with it…"

"I know that… It's…" I stopped. I didn’t want to tell Louis I was feeling shit, but the alternative was him thinking I was self obsessed.

"It's what Niall…?" He seemed to calm down and look properly at me. "Aren’t you feeling well, Niall…?"

"Yes… I’m OK, it's just… I had a headache…"

"You taken anything for it…?"

I nodded, praying he wouldn’t ask anymore.

"What?"

I didn’t look at him. "Painkillers…"

 

He paused a minute. "What painkillers, Niall?"

I closed my eyes.

"You’re still taking the ones the doctor gave you, aren't you?" His voice was very quiet. "The ones you were supposed to stop taking over a week ago… Answer me, Niall!"

I took a deep breath. "I had to, Louis…"

"How long have you been taking them altogether…?" His voice was icy.

"Since I got out of hospital. I tried to stop in Mullingar, but…" my voice tailed off.

"Jesus Christ, Niall…" He banged his hand on the table. "The doctor warned you…"

"I know… but, but, my headaches were getting worse… I wouldn’t have been able to do the shows…"

"So why didn’t you come to me and tell me?"

I shrugged.

"And are you in pain now…?"

I nodded.

"I suppose you were going to take another. How many are you taking…?"

I shrugged again.

"Don’t just shrug… This is for your own good… How many?"

"It depends…" My voice was a whisper. "On how bad the day is. Usually four to five…"

"Fucking hell…" He reached for his phone. "Hello, could I speak to Dr Parker please?"

I jumped up – Dr Parker was the tour doctor. "Louis, no… Please…"

He shushed me. "Sit down Niall… _NOW_!" Shaking, I did so.

 

"Hello. Sorry to trouble you doctor, but I wondered if you could pop over and look at Niall for me. Well, I’m not too sure about the problem to be honest, and I’d rather not talk about it over the phone. Yes, that would be great. See you…"

He put the phone down and looked at me. "He’s coming right over."

"I don’t need the doctor…"

"Oh no? I think you do… You knew you still shouldn’t be taking those tablets let alone more than prescribed… I think it's important we find out what they’ve done to you…"

I bit my lip and looked at my feet, unable to stop a tear splashing down my nose.

"Niall…" Louis’ voice was more gentle. "It's for your own good, lad. I heard you turn on Zayn and that’s not you. Out of anyone in this show, that’s not you, and I’m worried. For what it's worth, it's not your fault… I should have monitored you better. I’m as much to blame…"

"But I’m the stupid bastard who kept taking them…" And I needed one at that moment. My head was throbbing and I felt sick to my stomach, and my arms and body were itching remorselessly. I scratched my arms. I felt… very guilty… Once more I was causing problems…

There wasn’t time to go into the guilt recrimination thing as there was a knock at the door. Louis opened it and the doctor was there. I’d seen him around.

"Hi, what can I do then?" He was always cheerful.

Louis shook his hand and looked at me. "Niall, show the doctor what you’ve been taking!"

Feeling like a little kid I pulled the bottle out of my pocket, and handed it over. The man read the label and looked first at me and then Louis, raising an eyebrow.

"OK, I can see why you’re concerned… but they were prescribed for Niall, so what's the problem?"

"The problem is he’s been taking them for over a fortnight, when he was told to take them for five days max. And he’s been taking more than he should…"

The doctor looked more concerned. "I see. Why did you feel the need to do that Niall…?"

My temper boiled up in me, they were treating me as if I’d set out to do this. "Because I was in fucking pain…" I snapped.

"Niall!"

"No Louis, you listen… I was in pain, and I was scared, and nothing made that pain or fear go away. And I was going to let people down again and I couldn’t face that… I figured it was two weeks and after the tour it would all be OK, but I couldn’t risk messing it up. That’s why I took them. Not because they make me feel good, because they don’t, but because they take away the pain…"

I scrubbed my hands over my eyes… "And I’m sorry… " I finished lamely.

"Oh Niall…" Louis was wrapping his arms round me, and rubbing my back. "I know you are, and I know it's not your fault. But we have a problem now, and we need to deal with it."

I sighed. I was maybe an hour over taking my usual dose, and I felt I was going up the walls. I couldn’t imagine not being able to take some thing to get rid of this feeling.

Louis turned to the doctor. "Can you look at him and let me know…?" Unspoken words passed between them.

 

I let the doctor examine me. I had no choice. I wanted to cry so badly, and I felt so guilty.

Louis called Paul in. "Can you stay with Niall whilst I talk to the doctor?"

"Louis, don’t treat me like a kid. I have a right to know."

"And you will… After I’ve spoke to him."

 

Paul gave me a puzzled look. "What's going on Ni?"

"You’ll find out soon enough…"

"That’s not an answer, Niall. I thought we were friends. I want to help…"

I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t tell him. I was embarrassed and ashamed. "I’ve made a big mistake, Paul…" and I pointed to the tablets.

He looked… and looked at me. "Niall, are you trying to tell me…?"

"I wasn’t taking them for any other reason than to get rid of the pain, Paul! Honest to God. I hurt so much and they were the only thing that helped, only they stopped working. So I had to take more…" I paused for breath.

"Oh fuck…" I heard him mutter under his breath. My tears came then.

"I’m sorry… " I wailed.

"I know. Don’t cry, it's not your fault." He held me to him.

But if it wasn’t my fault, who’s was it? It had to be someone's…

 

Louis came back with a sombre expression on his face. "Niall, try and stop crying a minute so you can listen to me, OK?" He handed me a tissue.

"Right… the doctor thinks, as I feared, that you’ve become dependant on those tablets. I know it's only been a fortnight, but they’re very addictive. He says you could have been put on different ones, but it's too late for that at the moment. You need to stop taking them, Niall!"

I started to cry again. "But the show… Tonight… Tomorrow… It’s the last shows… I can’t let the people down…"

"I’ve talked to him about it. He says it won't do you any more harm to still take them until after the tour, as it's only 48 hours, but after that you must stop. And it's not going to be pleasant. There are a lot of side effects associated with withdrawing from them, but you don’t have a choice Niall…"

"But Louis, the headaches and…"

"No choice, Niall… I’m not letting you ruin your life. If you won't stop taking them voluntarily, then I’ll check you into a clinic… And if you wont co-operate then … then our working relationship is over…"

"You’re just bothered how it will look…"

"That, believe it or not, is the last thing I’m bothered about. I’ll tell the public exactly why I’m dropping you. That’s how bothered I am about _MY_ image. I care about you, Niall… You should know that by now."

I nodded and sniffed.

"So, do you agree to stopping taking them after the show tomorrow night? I’ll give you time off to either go home or stay in Dublin till you get over the worst. Or would you rather go to a clinic? It's up to you."

I swallowed. None of them seemed like good choices, but I knew he wasn’t bluffing. "I’ll stop taking them…" I whispered.

"Good lad… I’ll have a word with Lily. See if she’s OK with you staying there…"

"I’ll stay with him…" Paul gave me a smile. "It will be OK, Niall. You’ll be fine soon."

I wasn’t convinced, but I nodded anyway.

"Right then… You’d better take this and then try and rest for a bit." Louis handed the bottle to Paul. "Make sure he doesn’t take more than he’s meant to. In fact Niall, you can ask Paul for them when you need one, OK?"

"OK…" I swallowed the tablet and curled up on the couch in Louis’ office. I was exhausted and things were going from bad to worse.

 

 

 

 

I woke up feeling like shit on the morning of the last show. And for once it wasn’t just to do with physical pain. I felt guilty as hell. I had been a fool, but I also felt I’d been caught between the devil and the deep blue.

Louis had had a word with Lily, and she had been waiting for me that night, taking me into her arms and holding me like a child. Never a word against me, and she had gone through so much with me. I knew if I stayed there whilst I came off the tablets, she would be fine, but I just wanted to curl up and die. I couldn’t see past this awful mess I’d got myself into.

My head was throbbing and I needed a tablet. I went and knocked on Paul’s door but there was no answer. Forcing back the panic I immediately felt, I went back to my room. This would do me good. I would get a shower first and relax. He was probably having breakfast.

The shower didn’t really help me, but at least I was clean, then I went down the four flights of stairs to the kitchen. The door was shut which was unusual and I could hear voices inside. I recognised Louis voice and Paul’s, and my stomach tightened in fear. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door.

"Morning Niall…" Paul tried to be normal, but I knew something was wrong.

"Morning…" I looked at Louis. "What's wrong?"

"Why do you think there is anything wrong?"

"Because it's just gone nine and you’re having deep conversations with Paul behind my back…"

"Niall, stop being so paranoid. I didn’t want to disturb you."

"So what’s wrong then?"

Louis took a deep breath. "I’m afraid someone’s leaked the story about you and the tablets to the press…" He held up the Irish Daily Star.

_'Pop Idol Niall in painkiller hell!'_

"Oh fuck…" I swayed a little feeling faint and my head throbbed even harder. I clutched the back of a chair.

Instantly Paul caught hold of me and sat me down. "Take it easy Niall." Lily was fussing round me with a glass of water.

"I’m OK. How the fuck did they find out though?" I felt anger rising up in me… "Louis…"

"I don’t know Niall… As far as I thought only the people in that office knew yesterday which was me, you, Paul and the doctor. But obviously someone overheard again…"

Paul was rubbing my tense shoulders. "It couldn’t be the doctor, could it Louis?"

"I doubt it… He knows what will happen if I find out. What I’m fucked off about, was the fact no one actually checked this with me from the papers. I could have stalled it if they had."

"It had to be someone at the Point yesterday then… That was the only time this has been talked about, and from the details in the papers…"

I wanted to cry. Did I have no private life at all…? And why couldn’t people leave me alone…?

"That’s it then..." I whispered.

"What do you mean, Niall?"

"I can't do the show tonight… Not with everyone talking about me and thinking I’m a drug addict… I can't."

"Hang on a minute, Niall. I thought that’s the very reason you’re in this mess with the tablets, because you didn’t want to let fans down… "

"It is."

"Then giving up now is going to make it all for nothing!"

I shook my head – he was right, but how did I get through this?

"It will be alright, Niall. You don’t have to speak to anyone about it at all. You’ll go and do the show, and then come straight back. If you want to talk about it after, then that’s up to you. I’ll release a press statement."

I sighed. I had no choice. I looked at Paul. "I need my tablets, Paul… I have an unbelievable headache."

"You also need some breakfast…" Lily bustled about, starting to cook.

I swallowed the tablet and closed my eyes, just wanting the next few days to be over and done with!

 

I left till as late as possible to set off for the Point. I didn’t want to have to make polite conversation or answer awkward questions. There were a few fans waiting as usual, but Paul led me through them.

"Sorry girls, we’re late!"

I sat next to him as he negotiated the traffic. "Do you think it will be OK Paul?"

"Of course it will, you’ve not committed any crime. It's not as if you were doing something you shouldnt have been..."

"But I was!"

"The only mistake you made was taking the bloody tablets the doctor was bloody stupid enough to give you. If it's anyone’s fault, it's his. Niall, don’t beat yourself up about this…"

"I can’t help it…"

"Oh Niall, it will be OK. Probably not very pleasant for a few days, but it will be OK. The article wasn’t that bad to be honest. It stuck to the truth."

"It should never have been published…" And suddenly I had remembered when the story of my attempted suicide was leaked and I began to get an idea of who could have done it. But I didn’t say anything. I was going to handle it.

We got into the Point, no problems, and I thanked my lucky stars there wasn’t a meet and greet that night. I went straight to the dressing room and began to get changed. Zayn was the only one there.

 

"Hi Ni… you OK?"

I shrugged. "I've been better!"

"I bet. I’m sorry…"

I looked at him. "What for?"

"Hassling you yesterday when you must have been feeling shit anyway…"

"It's not your fault. It's mine for being so stupid…"

He hugged me tightly. "You’re not stupid…"

"I feel it at this moment…"

Just then the door opened and the other lads came in.

"You OK, Niall?" It was Drew. I took a deep breath and broke free of Zayn’s embrace.

"Yes… why? You disappointed?"

 

He looked puzzled. "What do you mean? Louis said there’d been some story in the papers and that you were going through a rough patch… That’s all."

"But you knew that didn’t you?" I felt my blood rising.

"How the fuck did I know that?"

"Because being the bastard you are you sold the story… DIDN’T YOU?"

I hit him in the stomach. "You really want to ruin my life don’t you…? As if it's not crap enough anyway at times. OK, I won Pop Idol, but you have things in your life I’ll never have. Like someone to love you. And you’re still not content…" I had pushed him back against the wall by this point. "You just have to ruin everything!!"

"Niall, leave it…!" Zayn got hold of me from behind, and was trying to pull me off. "It's not worth it!"

"Especially as I didn’t fucking do it!" Drew squawked.

"You sold the last one so why should I fucking believe you…?" I was trying to free myself from Zayn’s grip.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" It was Louis.

"He sold the story Louis, and I’m going to fucking kill him." I panted.

"No, you aren’t…" Louis got between me and Drew, and sent someone to find Paul. "Even if it's true…" He looked at Drew. "Did you?"

"No, I swear to god…"

"Fucking liar…"

"NIALL!"

Luckily Paul turned up at that time, he gave me a surprised look.

"Paul, take Niall to the office and keep him there till I’ve sorted this mess out, will you?"

"Come on…" Paul took my arm.

"No Paul, he sold the story."

"And hitting him’s not going to change that, is it? Now, come on…"

I followed Paul, though I wasn’t very happy and flopped down in the chair.

"Niall, what the fuck was that about?"

"It was him who sold the story…"

"You know that for definite?"

"No…but he did before so who else…?"

"I don’t know. Jesus Niall, you can’t just go punching someone…"

I put my head in my hands. "I know but… I’m so mad Paul…"

"I know, but some of that’s the effects of those tablets. Once they’re out of your system, you won't have as many mood swings…"

"I’m all messed up Paul…"

"I know, and to be fair, you’ve had some shit in your life... but it should start getting better."

"Should it?" I wasn’t convinced.

 

I seemed to be sat in the office for ages and I started to fret. I wasn’t ready to go on stage and time was ticking by. Before I could say anything Louis came in.

"OK Niall, go and get changed. And you owe Drew an apology…"

"What's happened…?"

"I got them altogether and I made them tell me what they knew. It wasn’t Drew…"

"Then who the fuck was it?"

"Niall, calm down. It's been dealt with…"

"Maybe you think it has, but..."

"Niall, it has. The person who’s responsible admitted it, and I dealt with them!"

"Who was it Louis?"

"It doesn’t matter…"

"It fucking does to me…" I felt the tension.

"OK. OK, it was Maria. She followed the doctor and was listening at the door. She admitted it all…"

"I’m going to kill the evil bitch!"

"No, you aren’t… I’ve dealt with her…"

"I can’t work with her, even if it is the last show!"

"You won't have to. I’ve dismissed her." 

I was stunned. "You’ve sacked her…?"

"If you want to put it like that, then yes. As of immediately!"

I was speechless. "But the show…?"

"Would be far worse with you having to perform with her after she’d done that to you. The other girls will divide up her numbers. Now, will you go and finish getting ready…? And apologise to Drew!"

I nodded and left the room. Sometimes I doubted Louis, and I shouldn’t – he never let me down!

 

Drew was ready to go on. I swallowed. This wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to do it. Not just because Louis had told me to, but my sense of fairness said I should.

"I’m really sorry about that… earlier…"

Drew looked at me impassively. "I should hope you are…" He rubbed his ribs.

"It was just…"

"That you’re a bad tempered little bastard!"

I felt myself blush, then he grinned. "Mind you, I don’t blame you, and I’ve got to say I’d have thought the same thing if I was in your shoes… Just forget it…"

I smiled. "Thanks."

"No sweat, you’re going through a rough time enough. And you don’t need any more crap. Now come on and get ready, we’ve got a show to do!"

I changed quickly. He was right, whatever happened afterwards I owed this to the fans to be the best show ever…

 

 

 

Liam's POV

  
I woke up and thought of Niall… Whoever said time’s a great healer bloody lied. There wasn’t a day that went past without me thinking of him. Of course, it might have been that bit easier if his face wasn’t plastered everywhere, but even then I doubt it. The truth was I loved Niall, always had and always would. And I had thrown it all away!

I had thought about him a lot over the past year. As his singles had gone to #1 and he’d been on TV and radio and on every magazine. He was so gorgeous with his blonde hair long on his collar and his blue eyes sparkling, his sexy body in tight jeans and t shirts. I remembered when that body had been in bed next to me… It's funny but it wasn’t the sex I missed so much (though there was that as well!) It was the closeness - he had been my soul mate and my best friend. I had to face the prospect of losing him many times in our relationship. I never thought it would be through my own doing...

But I had to get on with life and live it alone. I couldn’t tell anyone, there was no one close enough. Dan was a great house mate, but we weren’t close friends. So I got on with my life, got my teaching certificate and got a job at a local school, and tried to put my past behind me. Until one day…

I was driving to work when I caught sight of the headlines 'Pop Idol Niall in painkiller hell!’ I braked so sharply I nearly caused a pile up.

"Watch where you’re going, you stupid bastard?"

"Sorry…" I pulled the car into a layby and jumped out. I had to know what had happened now. I had seen pictures of Niall at a funeral a couple of weeks earlier, and I had been shocked. He looked pale and thin and ill, and instantly I thought of his illness and a relapse. But nothing was said to suggest that. The tour was going ahead, and there had been photos from the Mullingar shows in the Dublin, and indeed, national papers. He might be Mullingar’s son - but he was Dublin’s by adoption! And I had to admit he looked OK onstage. OK, and having the time of his life. Performing had indeed been what he had been born to do. Written in his stars, and who was I to interfere with that?

But I was worried again as I dashed into the shop and bought a copy of the Daily Star. It said a 'source' close to Niall had revealed that he had become hooked on the painkiller Tramadol after being prescribed it to get him through the tour, after a routine test had gone wrong. My blood turned to ice.

I had no doubts that it was true - even if the tabloids usually printed a lot of crap. I had the feeling in my gut and I didn’t know what to do…

Somehow, I struggled through the day at work. It was a Friday thank god, wondering all the while if I should ring Niall… or at least his parents or Lily. But I didn’t know what to say. I toyed with the idea of going to the Point and seeing if I could see Niall, but that seemed stupid. Unless…

I rang up the Point and booked a ticket. I just needed to see him in the flesh. OK, it was a fairly crap ticket, but then I didn’t know if I wanted him to see me there anyway. If I saw him on stage and performing, then it might just put my mind at rest.

 

It seemed so funny to sit in the balcony and watch him, thinking that I once had been part of his life. He was sensational, not the Niall I knew - but a professional and a pop star in every sense. He had a charisma, a presence. I hurt with loving him so much.

But under the make up and the smiles, I could see he was suffering, that he’d changed, grown up maybe. And the real world wasn’t being very kind to him. He looked tired and, to me, scared. I walked away from the Point and the screaming kids waiting for him outside the stage door, but my mind wasn’t anymore at rest than it had been before. I loved Niall and I felt instinctively he needed me. But what could I do?

 

I lasted all through the Saturday, scouring every paper for news of Niall. Louis Walsh had released a press statement saying that it was true Niall was having a problem with some medication which had been prescribed for a legitimate problem, and was taking a few days off to get it sorted before the release of his new album. What did that mean? Get it sorted? Was he going to check into some rehab clinic? Was he going to go home to Mullingar?

'It's none of your business anymore Liam.' I told myself. 'You left him, and it was the best… for his sake.’ So I drank a large quantity of vodka, and cried myself to sleep.

But sleep held no relief for me. I dreamt of Niall, first of all as he had been when we were first together, then when he got sick, then through pop idol, and finally on the day of his 21st birthday when I had walked away from home. I tossed and turned, seeing his face, his imploring eyes, the tears…

 

 _'_ _Liam… please… I need you!'_

 

I sat bolt upright. I had heard Niall’s voice cutting through the dream. Sweating slightly I came to a decision, as soon as it was a reasonable hour I was going to Lily’s. Niall might not be there, but she would know where he was and… and if he didn’t want to see me, that was fine. But I had to know!

 

 

Niall’s POV

 

I returned to Lily’s after the final show, just pausing to put a brief appearance in at the aftershow party. There wasn’t a lot of point me being there. I couldn’t drink, and I sure as hell didn’t feel like partying, but it wouldn’t have looked good for me not to go at all.

Then I was back home, feeling scared. I knew Paul wouldn’t give me any of the tablets, there were hardly any left now anyway, and I knew I would feel shit. I’d asked Paul about the side effects, but he said he didn’t know… or wouldn’t tell me more like!

Lily was waiting up for me. "How did it go Ni?"

"OK, I guess." I was feeling very down. "Look, I’ll stay up in my room for the next couple of days…"

"Why Niall?"

"Because if I’m not going to be very well, I don’t want to be a nuisance – again!"

"Oh Ni, don’t be stupid. You’re never a nuisance, and it's not your fault."

"This time it is …" I went upstairs, before anyone could try and make me feel any better about it.

 

I was laid on my bed when the door opened and Paul came in with two mugs. "Lily sent us some hot milk…"

I didn’t answer.

"Niall, you can stop being so damned rude!"

"If we’re talking about rude what about you, coming in without knocking!"

"Niall…"

"Paul… just leave me…"

"No… I’m here to look after you!"

"Well, I’m OK, and if I’m not - it's my fault, right?"

"No Niall, it isn't. You have to stop blaming yourself for this… Like you have to stop blaming yourself for Jack dying!"

I tensed at the mention of Jack’s name. "Paul, don’t!"

"Don’t what? Tell the truth? Niall, it wasn’t your fault…"

"Everything’s my fault Paul. It has to be. I was sick, Liam cheated on me and left me, Jack died and now I screw up again. I’m fucking useless… Why did I live when all I do is fuck my life up?"

I was yelling now, and Paul grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me gently. "Niall, snap out of it! You are a great kid if you could get over this self blame trip you seem to be hell bent on going on. You make a lot of people very happy. I’ve watched you on stage. You’re amazing and very talented. So you’ve had it rough, you pick yourself up and carry on…"

I slumped back onto the pillows, my head was thumping and I ached all over. "I can’t Paul, I’m tired…"

"Tired?"

"Tired of being alone!"

"You’re not alone…"

"I don’t have anyone to love…" a tear trickled down my nose. "I want to be in love again, Paul…"

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Oh Ni, I don’t know what to say…"

"I love Liam!"

"I know you do… Why don’t you call him?"

"No, I can’t… Not after this. And he walked away from me, Paul…"

"I know but… do you want me to call him…?"

I wanted him to so badly it hurt, but I couldn’t let him. "No…" I whispered sadly.

"Well then, Ni. You have to learn to let go and move on, because unless you get in touch with him…"

"I can’t…"

"There’s nothing else I can say then Niall…" He handed me the milk. "Why not drink this and try to get some sleep…?"

I swallowed it without tasting it. I couldn’t think straight anymore – it had been an exhausting day. "Liam said me and him… we were written in the stars…"

"That’s a nice idea, maybe its true…"

I shook my head. "It isn't… The stars have gone out."

And with that, I crawled under the duvet and pulled it over my head!

 

  
I didn’t sleep well though, I was haunted by horrific dreams. Liam, losing Liam, Jack dying and calling for me… _'You lied to me Niall!’_ even though I hadn't even been there when Jack died. I tossed and turned, unable to wake from the nightmare.

"Shhhhhhh Ni, come on. Wake up, it's all OK…" Hands were brushing my hair out of my eyes. I opened them to see Paul sat on the edge of the bed. "You had a nightmare…"

I nodded, unable to speak. My teeth were chattering and I was soaked in cold sweat. "S…so… r…r…real."

"It's OK, you’re awake now…"

"What time… is … it?"

"Nine AM, no point in going back to sleep. You get a nice hot shower, and I’ll change the bed…"

I stood in the shower, trying to stop my limbs from shaking. I hurt all over, and I wished to god I could just take a tablet and get rid of it, but I couldn’t. I examined myself in the shower. I had a rash that itched on my belly and arms and inner thighs, and I knew that was from the tablets. "Oh god why?" I muttered, laying my head against the cold tiles of the shower wall.

 

I was on edge that day, itchy and tense, and Paul wouldn’t leave me. He kept trying to get me to go downstairs and watch a film with him or something, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want Lily and Jack to see me looking a mess once more.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to just crawl under my duvet and cry. I wanted my mam, but I knew they were over in the UK visiting Bressie after seeing my first Dublin show. At least they didn’t know about this latest mess up. In the end I got my guitar and went to sit in the window. I had the idea for a song in my mind, perversely enough, they always came to me when I was suffering.

_Another picture from the wall, another life I used to lead_  
 _Another me that was untrue with every memory of you_  
 _Broken in my sleep_  
 _Another moment lost in time, you talked of love and I agreed_  
 _So many chances passed us by and now we’ve lost the strength to try_  
 _Your love was never mine to keep_

_We can’t hold on we’re losing track so where’s the road to take us back_  
 _And how could we forget what we believed?_

_If I can’t have you, if the love has gone,_  
 _if you just cant find it in yourself to carry on_  
 _If you have to leave then take my life forever_  
 _I will never be with anybody else if I can't have you_

_With every night I lie awake, with everyday we grow apart_  
 _Is there a promise we can’t break, we never learned from our mistakes_  
 _From the very start_

_Don’t look back on yesterday cos that time has been and gone  
_ _Think of what tomorrow holds without you it feels all wrong  
_ _I can’t carry on_

_If I can’t have you, if the love has gone,_  
 _if you just cant find it in yourself to carry on_  
 _If you have to leave then take my life forever_  
 _I will never be with anybody else if I can't have you_

 

Paul came over to sit with me… "That’s beautiful, Niall. Is that how you normally write songs…?"

I shook my head. "No… It just had to get out…"

"Well it shows how talented you are, but maybe you should listen to the words yourself…"

I didn’t tell him to leave it, I didn’t have the strength because suddenly my body was racked with shakes. I managed to put the guitar down and I struggled to my feet.

"Ni?"

"I’m OK, Paul. I just, I need to rest and I’m frozen." And I was, it had hit me all of a sudden. He helped me back to bed and filled me a hot water bottle. I clutched it, but I was still frozen, and I knew it wasn’t going to get any better!

 

 

 

Liam’s POV

 

I took a deep breath as I approached Lily’s door. It wasn’t even seven AM, I must be mad. But I had felt unable to lie there any longer thinking of Niall. I needed to know how he was, and… and if I could have another chance. Because I’d decided in the dark still watches of the night that I wanted to give us another go, that I could handle him being famous, that I could handle anything as long as I could hold his little body close again and kiss his little ears. Cuddle him close. Basically, I just wanted Niall back, and if I’d lost him through my own stupidity - then that was meant to be, but I had to know…

 

I didn’t really expect anyone to answer as I knocked, so I was amazed when the door opened. It was Lily and she looked tired, and very surprised…

"Liam!!! Oh my god, what are you doing here?"

"I… I… wanted to see Niall… I wanted… I was worried… I needed to…" I couldn’t get any of my words out, and I felt very guilty. I took a step back. "I’m sorry, this was a bad idea… I’ll go!"

She reached out and caught my wrist. "No, don’t be silly. For heaven’s sake, come in…"

I followed her into the hallway - and a thousand memories hit me. "Is Niall here?"

"Yes he is… but… he’s not too well. That’s why I’m up, in case Paul needs a hand with him…"

I felt my legs shake. "What’s wrong with him?"

"Did you see the papers on Friday?"

I nodded. "Well he’s coming off those bloody tablets. I don’t know what they were doing putting the poor little lamb on them in the first place, and they’re making him a bit poorly…"

I bit my lip. "How bad?"

"Well, he’s not slept properly and he’s got a funny rash, and in the early hours he started complaining of stomach cramps and now he’s throwing up and sweating for Ireland…"

I felt sick too – Niall had a fear of vomiting that came from his chemotherapy experiences. I could imagine the state he was in. "Can’t you get a doctor or something?"

"I think they’ve done enough damage and apparently there’s not much they can do anyway, till he’s over the worst…"

"Which will be when?"

"A couple of days we think…"

"Is his mam here?"

"No, she’s in Derby at Bressie’s, she doesn’t know, and Ni wouldn’t let us call her. You know how proud he is!"

I did and that was the problem. I had the same pride, and it had led to our break up. "Can I see him Lily?"

She thought for a long moment. "I don’t know Liam, you know what he’s like!"

I almost felt like laughing at that. "Yes I do… and I’ve seen him at rock bottom before, and he knows it."

She nodded. "You’d better take your coat off, if you’re staying. It’s the same room!"

 

It felt funny climbing the stairs after all this time. I had seen Niall almost die up here and I had seen him be unbelievably happy. I didn’t know if what I was about to do was the right thing, but it was the only thing...

I could hear a man’s voice talking in soft tones as we approached the door. "It's OK Niall, just let it come up."

"I… can’t!"

"You can…"

"My belly hurts…"

"I know…"

I looked at Lily…

"You’re sure, Liam?"

"Yes… of course!"

"Don’t go offering him hope, if you’re going to leave him again!"

"I won’t. I regret that bitterly…"

"Aye, I expect you do…" She knocked on the door. "Paul, I’ve something here that might help Niall!"

"He’s in a bit of a mess at the moment Lily!"

"I don’t think that matters… can we come in?"

I could hear Niall crying, no doubt protesting that he didn’t want anyone to see him, but Paul called out ‘Door’s open!’

They were in the bathroom, Niall was knelt over the toilet retching and crying. He had managed to be sick on himself and Paul was holding his head and rubbing his back. He looked up.

"Poor little bugger’s really going through it…" then he saw me. "Lily… I don’t know…"

"This is Liam, Paul. Niall's Liam. He wants to help…"

Niall hadn't heard her as he was crying too loudly. Without waiting, I dashed into the bathroom and knelt on Niall’s other side.

"Oh baby, it's OK now…" I stroked his hair, which was wet through with sweat.

He froze… "L…L…Liam?"

"Yep, the one and only!"

He shook his head. "No… please… I don’t…. don’t want you to see…" He paused to vomit again, "see me like this!"

"Why? I’ve seen you worse…" I kept my tone matter of fact.

"You… you don’t… understand… it's… it's all … my fault…"

"That’s not what I heard… I heard it was something that just happened."

"I took the fucking tablets…"

"So you could do the show right? That’s not your fault… they should have never given them to you if they knew you could get like this…"

"Why are you here…?" he retched again, nothing was coming up but it sounded awful. I winced at the sound. I wanted to say 'Because I love you…' but the timing wasn’t right. "To help Lily and … Paul…"

He seemed to sag and I got my arms round his waist. "Let me help, Niall…" I knew he didn’t have the strength to kick up a fuss. He leaned against me and sighed. "I’m all messed up, Liam!"

I wanted to cry at his tone – he sounded so small and scared and defeated, but I pulled him to me. "Then let's get you unmessed, hey?"

And to my relief he nodded.

 

It seemed he’d been sick over the bedclothes and himself. I carried him over to the chair and sat with him in my arms, whilst Paul and Lily changed the bed. He seemed to be drifting in and out of consciousness. I gave Paul a worried look.

"It's OK Liam, it's one of the withdrawal effects, severe drowsiness. And he’s hardly had any sleep…"

When the bed was clean I stripped off his t shirt and he started to shake violently. I wrapped my arms round him whilst Paul sponged him with warm water and got him clean, then we slipped a clean T shirt on and I lay him in the bed. He came round a bit. "I’m… sorry…"

"Don’t be… it's not your fault."

"How… how long …" he winced.

"What's wrong baby?" The term of endearment just slipped out.

"Cramp… in me belly!"

I lay my hand on his stomach, it was slightly bloated and hard. I began to rub it gently. "That better sweetheart?"

He opened his eyes, they were so tired but he gave a little smile. "Yes thanks… how long… you staying…?"

"While you’re not feeling too good…" He nodded and fell asleep again. I carried on rubbing his belly and smiled. "As long as you want me to," I whispered…

 

Nial slept a while. It gave me chance to study him. He was so beautiful. OK, he was sweaty and trembling, but he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I ran my hand down his face, his skin was so soft. He wriggled slightly in his sleep, and pushed against my hand. 'Please god' I prayed, 'give me this one more chance…'

Paul came in with tea. "Thought you might want a cuppa?"

"Thanks…"

"How is he?"

"Asleep for the moment…"

"Poor little sod. He couldn’t keep a thing down, was sick most of the night… and I feel so helpless."

"I know that feeling…" I remembered sat in this very room feeling helpless as I watched Niall’s life slip from him. "Paul, he is going to be OK, isn't he?"

"Yes, once he gets through this."

"There’s not a problem with his blood is there?"

"No…"

"But he was having tests…"

Paul sighed and sat down. "Niall picked up a bug. With the life he leads, he didn’t shake it as quick as he thought he should. And then Jack died. I think it all combined. The hospital say it was something viral, but Niall thought it was his illness back…"

"But it's not?" I held my breath.

"No, he’s clear. I wish to god I’d known about these tablets before it got this bad…"

"I guess we all have things we regret!"

He looked at me. "Leaving Niall?"

I nodded, it was surreal. He was a stranger, and I was talking about my relationship with Niall with him.

"I love him Paul, and I threw it away… because I was jealous… I cheated on him… I slept with a girl…"

He nodded.

 

"How could I? Niall never cheated on me… but… but… I was scared Paul… scared I was going to lose him."

"And now…?"

"I want him back. I don’t know much Paul, but I do know I want to spend my life with him."

"Then as soon as he feels a bit better, I think you should tell him…"

"But what if… what if there is no room for me in his life…?"

He gave me a gentle smile. "Liam, I practically live Niall’s life with him at the moment. There’s room for you, trust me. And he needs you…"

"You think so?"

"He needs someone who loves him unconditionally… that’s you, isn’t it?"

"I hope so…"

 

But I didn’t tell Niall straightaway, because we had another rough night. His belly grew harder with trapped wind, and he was crying and begging for something to take the pain away. Sweat was running off him but he couldn’t keep a limb still. It took both me and Paul to keep him calm.

"Please Paul, give me something…"

"Not a chance Niall, it won't do you any good now anyway. You’re past that point! Just relax…"

"I hurt!"

"I know you do… and I’m sorry but it will pass…"

 

Then he sat up, more distressed. "Liam, I need the loo now… I’m going to shit…"

I practically dragged him out of the bed and into the bathroom. He was crying bitterly. "Leave me Liam!"

"I can’t, not while you’re this sick!"

"I don’t want you to see me like this…"

"I don’t care. I’ve seen you like this before, remember…" Whilst I was talking to him, I was pulling his boxers down and sitting him on the loo, holding him upright.

"It was … different… then!" He wailed, trying to push me away!

"What was different then, Niall? You were ill then and you’re ill now…"

"I’ve caused this myself…"

"Try another excuse, because you know I don’t believe that one!"

He started to sob bitterly, hiding his face in his hands. "You loved me then!"

"Oh baby…" My heart ached. "I love you now…"

 

He stopped crying - and struggling. "Really?" I hardly caught the whisper.

"Really and truly… More than ever Niall…" I gently prised his hands from his face, it was red and sweaty and tearstained, and I loved him so much. "More than I can say…" And I dropped a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you too. Don’t leave me Liam…"

"Never again sweetheart…" I fought my own tears which despite the situation we were in, were tears of happiness. We had a chance again!

 

 

 

 

 

I held Niall on the loo till he thought he’d finished. I gathered I’d probably be making another mad dash, but we couldn’t sit there all night. His legs buckled as he stood up, and I had to lean him over the bath to clean him up a bit.

"I’m… so… sorry…"

"I know baby, and it's not your fault. Soon you’ll be fine." I wrapped my arms around him, and kissed the top of his head.

He clung to me then sobbing, telling me how much he loved me. It hurt to hear him say it in one way, because I caused his pain and I felt guilty.

"SShhhhhh babe, I love you too…"

"Honest?" He was like a child.

"Honest… Now let's get you back in bed baby."

I picked him up. He was heavier than when I used to lift him when he was ill, but he still felt too light for his height to me.

Paul was sat looking anxious. "How is he?"

"About the same…"

"I might get the doctor to come and have a look…"

I thought I didn’t think there would be a lot they could do, but anything that eased Niall’s discomfort would be an advantage. Plus I didn’t want him getting dehydrated and with the combination of the shits and the sickness - that was a very real danger.

"It can’t hurt Paul…" I didn’t know the guy but I felt I did. He had looked after Niall for the past year, and been more to him than just his security/body guard, and I felt indebted to him.

I tucked Niall back up in bed, he was drowsy again. It seemed to hit him when the cramps eased. He curled into a little ball and burrowed into the duvet.

The doctor couldn’t do much. He mentioned the option of a clinic which Niall rejected loudly and violently, and he mentioned sedating him … which both Paul and Niall rejected. Too much medication had led to this problem in the first place! All he could do was leave some rehydrating drinks. If Niall couldn’t keep them down we had to ring him and he’d put him on an IV. After he had gone I opened one, and sat on the bed next to Niall.

"Come on love, drink this…" It was like being hit by a blast from the past. The times I had sat there trying to make Niall comfortable, and it was a very weird feeling but as I kept telling myself this was only temporary. In a couple of days he’d be OK, whereas before there had been a good chance he would die.

"Eurrghhhh!" Niall spat the first mouthful out. "That’s… fucking awful…"

"Tough luck, because you need to drink it." I held it firmly to his lips again, and gently held the back of his head so he couldn’t move away. He had to drink it then, he lay there panting and glowering at me. I wanted to laugh.

"God, you’ve still got the temper on you then Horan?" I ruffled his hair.

He slid down in the bed, still glaring, but I could tell he was trying not to smile. I looked at Paul.

"Go and get some sleep Paul… he’ll be fine with me…"

"You sure?"

"Yes…"

"OK give me a shout if you have any problems…" He gave Niall a smile. "Hope you get a better night…"

He nodded and Paul left, and I was alone with Niall again.

He was going all sleepy again. I supposed it was better that than needing to shit or throwing up. I pulled the duvet up round him. God how cute he was, even in the state he was in at the minute. How the hell could I have ever cheated on him…? Let alone walked away from him. I’d almost lost Niall twice - I wasn’t going to let it happen again.

I pulled down the duvet and climbed in next to him. I was tired, and I figured the safest way to get some sleep was to be as close to him as possible. Then if there were any problems, I would be disturbed by his movement. I curled up next to him and wrapped one arm around his waist – pulling him to me. He sighed, and pressed himself closer to me.

 

I was awakened in the early hours by Niall scrabbling around. I put the light on, hoping he’d not been sick or done anything else. He was still asleep but scratching furiously at his belly and inner thighs, which were covered with bright pink splotches and blood from where he had broken the skin.

"Shhhh Niall… don’t scratch love…" I gently caught hold of his hands.

"Nooooo," he muttered, fighting me.

"Niall, you’re hurting yourself!"

He woke up then and looked at me, tears in his eyes. "It itches so bad … I can’t help it!"

"You have to Niall, you’re bleeding already…"

"Make it stop LiLi… please…" His eyes were wide and pleading and moist with unshed tears.

I called for Paul. I didn’t know what to do for the best. He came in and looked at Niall… He’d made a mess of his belly and thighs. They were scratched to hell… "Poor little bugger…"

"What can we do?"

Paul thought. "I remember when us kids had the chicken pox mam used to put calamine lotion on the spots… Wonder if that would help?"

"It's worth a try… Do you think Lily would have any?"

"You seen Lily’s medicine kit, Liam? She has everything… I’ll go look!"

He was back a few minutes later with the bottle and some cotton wool.

"I’ll do it…" I took it off of him.

"Never thought you wouldn’t" Paul grinned.

Niall didn’t like being painted with the stuff. "OWWWWWWW it's fucking cold…" It brought him back to full consciousness when I applied it to his belly.

"It's meant to be, it will ease the itch. You’d better brace yourself, because it will be even colder on your thighs…"

He was swearing and wriggling, but Paul held him firmly but gently - and between us, we got him sorted.

"Is that as itchy?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Right, we can go back to sleep now. Thanks Paul…" I put the bottle next to the bed in case I needed it again, and snuggled back down next to Niall. To my surprise he turned to face me and wrapped his arms round me, burying his face in my chest. I held him close, and I felt happy.

 

I woke up early though. I had to ring in sick, it was Monday and I didn't see any alternative. I didn’t want to leave Niall, not before I’d properly got him back. He meant more than my job, he meant more than my life.

I gently wriggled free of his grasp, and slipped out of the room. I rang the school and explained I was sick. They were quite understanding, and I sighed with relief when I had come off the phone.

"How is he?"

I jumped at Lily’s voice. "He’s asleep…"

"Sorry for making you jump, Liam."

"That’s OK…"

"Shall I make you a cup of tea?"

"Please. I’ll go back to Niall, I don’t want him to wake and think I’ve gone."

"No, he’s had too much of that!" I coloured guiltily.

I went back into Niall’s room. He was still asleep, still sweaty by the sheen on his skin, but he seemed calmer. I prayed for him to feel better soon - because I loved him so much, and we had so much lost time to make up.

Lily brought the tea in and some toast. She smiled at him. "Well, he looks more peaceful like…"

"Yes, he’s scratched himself raw though…"

"Poor little lamb…" she brushed his sweaty hair out of his eyes, then she looked at me. "And how do you feel about all this, Liam?"

"What do you mean?"

"It must be very hard for you… being here like this again…"

"I wanted to be here… I wanted to help him…"

"It's none of my business… but… what’s going to happen with you two Liam?"

I was taken aback with her directness.

"I want us to get back together Lily…"

"And does Niall know…?"

"I told him… though how much actually registered with him considering he was doubled up on the loo in agony at the time I don’t know…"

"And you mean it…?"

"Yes, more than anything. I know I was wrong, but I’ve paid for it Lily. There hasn’t been a day gone by that I haven't thought of Niall, you know? And it hurt so much … seeing him everywhere…"

"Why didn’t you come back to him?"

I shrugged. "I didn’t want to ruin it for him. I wanted him to learn to fly and reach for the stars…"

"And he couldn’t do that with you?"

"I don’t know. I think he can now… and… and… maybe I’m less possessive. I was jealous, you know?" It was hard for me to admit that.

"Jealous? Of Niall’s success…?"

"No, I never wanted that. I love singing, but it's not for me. I was jealous of having to share him…"

"You never had to share his heart Liam, that was always yours!"

"I know that now… Maybe we both needed to grow, and I needed to realise what it was like without him…"

"As long as you don’t hurt him again…"

"Lily, I know you’re not going to believe this straightaway. But when he hurts I hurt…"

"I do believe it, Liam. I said from day one there was never two people more meant to be in love than the two of you. You changed my views on love, remember? I just want you happy and that’s both of you!"

"I think we will be!"

"In that case, something good’s come of all this. Right, I’m off to make breakfast! You still like your bacon crispy…?"

"Sure do!"

 

And I smiled as she closed the door. I had come home.

 

But it wasn’t that simple. Niall had another rough day, he was managing to keep the rehydration drinks down and we’d stopped the itching by continuous application of the calamine lotion but he was having constant hot sweats. I guessed it was the drugs leaving him, but he was very restless and I kept having to sponge him down with cool water.

"Liam…" he fretted… "I feel crap!"

"I know you do baby…"

"How long am I going to feel like this for?"

"I don’t know sweetheart…"

"How long’s it been?"

"Three days…"

"Fuck, and I feel shite… I ache all over and I’m so hot then I get cold…"

"I know love…"

 

He fell asleep only to be disturbed by dreams, and I gathered they weren't pleasant. He was calling for Jack, and all I could do was climb alongside him and hold him tight. And wake him when he got too restless.

"It's OK, Niall. I’m here."

Finally he woke and looked at me. "Was it a nightmare?"

"Yes. Do you have them a lot?"

"All the time…" He shivered.

I pulled him close and kissed his face. "I’ll make them go away babe, if you tell me what they’re about?"

"It used to be about losing you… then I’d be dying again, in hospital… and you weren’t there for me…" His voice haunted me in the darkness.

"I’m here now though…"

"Then it’s about Jack… He died Liam, and he was only fourteen. He died and I couldn’t do anything about it!"

"I know Niall, and it’s a tragedy... but it wasn’t your fault…"

"I told him to have the transplant though… and he rejected…"

"But he had to have the transplant… he stood no chance without it…"

"You don’t know that!"

"I do, Niall… and so do you deep down. He had no chance to recover without it. You didn’t have a chance, and it could have been you…"

"Would you be feeling guilty if I’d died…?"

The question hit me like a brick. I had been in the same position Niall had been in with Jack. I had talked Niall into going home and having the transplant, and there had been many a time I’d felt guilty during the weeks he had been so sick afterwards.

"Yes… I guess I would a bit. But more than that, I’d be feeling grief at losing you - because at the end of the day there’s nothing more I could have done. And nothing more you could have done for Jack, and all that’s left is to either grieve or feel guilty. But you lived for a purpose, Niall. Like I left you for a purpose…"

"What was that?"

"To make you fly Niall. You used to say you couldn’t carry on without me. You chose to die rather than live without me, when mam stopped me seeing you. Maybe that’s what I couldn’t handle Niall, the fact that I held your life in my hands…"

"I don’t understand…"

"I was jealous of you with the fans and the life you had… What would you have done if I’d have told you that at the time?"

"I’d have quit the contest…"

"Exactly, and I didn’t want that. And aren’t you glad you didn’t quit?"

"Yes… I guess…"

I chuckled. "You love it Ni, don’t lie… I’ve seen you on tour! How much you enjoy it - even when you feel crap!"

"When did you see me?" He sounded surprised.

"Friday night at Dublin… I wanted to convince myself you were OK!"

"And?"

"I’m here…"

He smiled.

"Niall, I think you need to accept that you miss Jack and that his death was tragic - but not your fault. You helped him…"

"You think so?"

"Yes…"

"It won't be easy though…"

"Nothing in your life is easy Niall, but you’ve faced and fought everything. You can face this…"

He was quiet a long time then I felt his sweaty hand slip in mine. "Jack wanted me to call you, you know?"

"Really?"

"He said I needed to be loved!"

"Sounds like he had more sense than either of us… I wished I’d met him…"

"Think of me at 16 Liam, and you get the picture…"

I laughed. "A handful, then?"

"Yeah, but he was the best. Do you think he knows we’re back together again?"

"I would think so…"

"Good… Do you think he can see us…?"

"Probably. I hope he closes his eyes at times though Niall. There are some things between us that I don’t want anyone seeing!"

He smiled. "Liam, what did you think of the show?"

"Oh it was pretty good. Especially one guy. Small and blonde and very cute…" I kissed his nose. "Though it cost me thirty five euros. I think I should get a refund in kind… when he feels better!"

"Deal…" he yawned. "And you can go to the next one for free…"

My heart lifted. Niall was looking ahead, he would move on and I would move with him. "That sounds only fair…"

He smiled and fell asleep.

 

 

Niall’s POV

 

I woke suddenly. I had been talking to Liam then fallen asleep and then I was awake. It was light and I realised I’d been asleep for a good while. I cautiously moved. To my relief the pain didn’t shoot through me. I ached and felt drained, but I wasn’t feeling sick or having stomach cramps or sweating or itching. I felt more like myself again, and I was relieved.

I stretched out, and turned to look at Liam asleep next to me. He must have been shattered, because my movement hadn't woken him. A warm glow flooded me at the sight of him next to me in my bed. Our bed, I corrected myself. It was like going back in time…

But I couldn’t fall back to sleep again despite the drained feeling. I needed a shower in the worst way. I felt covered in dried sweat and my hair was filthy. Moving slowly so as not to disturb Liam, I got out of bed. My legs were a bit wobbly, but they held me.

Once under the shower I felt better. The hot water washed all my aches and pains away along with the sweat. Then I heard Liam.

"NIALL!" There was a note of panic in his voice, "ARE YOU OK?"

"Yes… I just wanted a shower… I feel filthy…"

"You should have woken me up!"

"I’m OK…"

I hurried up so he didn’t worry anymore. I quickly towelled myself dry and wrapped another towel round my waist before going back into the bedroom. Liam was laid back in the bed.

"I was worried when I woke and you weren’t here?"

"I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to worry you… I thought you needed your rest…"

He smiled. "How you feeling…?"

"Much better, thanks to you…"

"Good…" he gave me a big grin. "Come here!"

I went over to the bed, he patted it at the side of him. "Lay next to me Niall, I want to hold you to make sure it's real - and not just a dream I’ll wake up from…"

I laughed and laid next to him. "I’m real."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head to his chest, running his fingers through my wet hair and kissing the top of my head. I clung to him, burying my face in the soft curly hair on his chest. I had never expected to feel like this again – not with Liam anyway. To be honest - not with anyone!

He ran his hands down my shoulders and my back, rubbing it… then his hands reached to the towel. I sighed. It felt good to be touched like that again - it had been so long.

His hands slipped inside the towel and ran over my bum. I wriggled happily against him, he squeezed my bum cheeks.

"I’ve missed this so much Liam!"

"I’ve missed these so much," he grinned. "But I shouldn’t get carried away… you’re ill!"

"But I’m feeling much better!" I protested.

"Even so… You need to eat and drink…"

I pouted, but I guess he was right. I had been able to tell from my reflection in the mirror how much weight I had lost in those few days. And I would have an album launch soon – assuming the fans hadn't given up on me. I didn’t want to think about that!

He gave my arse a pat, then got up.

"I’m going to make you some breakfast! Are you hungry?"

I nodded. I was – and not just for food, though that was all I was going to get at that minute.

 

Whilst he was downstairs, I pulled on some clean underwear and finished drying my hair. After breakfast I would get dressed and go downstairs. Even maybe go for a little walk later, if I felt OK.

Liam was soon back with cereal, scrambled eggs and toast.

"Nothing too heavy for your stomach at first…"

"If I’m ill, perhaps you should be feeding it to me?’ I added slyly.

So he did. I was trying not to giggle. Apart from the thought of people’s opinions at the back of my mind, I was happier than I had been for a long time. And I knew what I wanted to do!

"Liam?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mean it…?"

"Mean what?"

"About us getting back together?"

He looked at me. "Of course I did, babe! Is it because I stopped…? The only reason I haven’t shagged you senseless is because you’re not well… I’m desperate for you!"

I grinned. "Actually, I didn’t mean because of that - but that’s nice to know! I meant… because… if we are back together, will you move in with me again?"

"I’d love to…"

"And… and can I go public? About us? I mean most people know about us… only not who you were…"

Liam looked thoughtful. "I’d have to leave work…"

"I hadn’t thought of that!"

"Well, they’re not going to accept their French teacher is gay Niall… not here…"

"I know… I’m sorry…"

"Don’t be… you’re more important than their narrow-minded views… I’ll hand in my notice…"

"But that’s your dream… just as singing was mine…"

"Yes Niall, but you’re my dream… And I’ll look for another job. I’ll just be open about my sexuality."

I looked at him worriedly. "Are you sure?"

"Positive…" he leaned over and kissed my nose. "I’m so proud of you… I want to tell the world…"

I laughed. "Then let's tell the world!"

 

I got dressed and went down with Liam. Paul was sat in the kitchen eating breakfast. "You feeling better, Niall?"

"Much, thanks…"

"Good… Louis said he’s popping round later… he’ll probably make you see the doctor…"

I nodded. "Anything else in the papers?" I asked nervously.

"Nope, but there’s been a none stop stream of fans at the door with presents and cards for you…" He pointed to a big sack in the corner. "I wouldn’t worry about the popularity too much if I were you…"

I was touched. In fact I cried a little as I read their messages, all wishing me the best, telling me not to worry, telling me they couldn’t wait for the album and how much they’d enjoyed the concerts. Liam pulled me close.

"It's going to be OK Niall…"

"I know…" I smiled through my tears and kissed him.

 

Louis turned up early afternoon.

"Hi Niall, how are you feeling?"

"Miles better, thanks…"

"Good… you look it…" He gave Liam a questioning look. "It's Liam, isn't it?"

"Yes…" Liam held out his hand and Louis shook it. "I met you at an audition for pop idol when Niall was starting…"

"I remember…" He smiled… "So are you the reason behind Niall’s recovery?"

Liam blushed.

"Yes…" I answered firmly.

"And are you back together again? For good?"

We both nodded. To my surprise, Louis smiled. "I hoped that would happen!"

"I want to go public, Louis. As soon as Liam sorts out his job!"

"Not a problem. You’re the public’s darling Niall, they want you to be happy! And it's obvious Liam makes you happy…"

I nodded and snuggled up to Liam, feeling his arms wrap around me.

 

The doctor checked me over and said I was fit, just to take it easy for a few days. Which though Louis had give me time off, I had no intention of resting. Not with Liam in my bed!

We went for a walk along the river, not holding hands or anything. I owed Louis for it not to leak out, but it was lovely to be in the fresh air.

A few fans stopped me, almost hesitantly to ask if I was feeling better. I told them I was and had pics and gave autographs. It put my mind at rest.

 

I was tired when we got back, but it was a good kind of tiredness. We slipped up to our room early, Liam went to the window to look at the view.

"I missed this too…"

"I missed sharing it with you…" I joined him and sat on his knee. My lips met his and we kissed passionately, tongues entwined. I could feel his hands slipping under my shirt, tracing the skin of my belly and round my belly button, then roaming upwards, playing with my nipples which were hard and erect. Then back down to the fastening on my jeans.

"Niall, are you sure you feel like this?"

"Yes… don’t stop…" I moaned.

His fingers ran round the waistband of my jeans then found the button, slowly undoing it, sliding into the waistband of my boxers. I moaned again more loudly.

 

"God I’ve missed you so much Niall… missed this…" Liam’s hand slid into the front of my boxers. I quivered in anticipation as his fingers brushed the soft hair there.

"Me… too…" I panted, feeling my erection grow hard in the confines of their underwear. "Liam… I need them… off… now!"

He giggled and kissed me passionately on the lips, as I raised myself off of his knee slightly and allowed him to slid my jeans and my boxers down in one smooth movement. With a loud sigh I settled back on his knee as his hand encircled my erection, and began stroking me gently but firmly.

"Ooooooohhhhhhhhhh." It felt so good. I threw back my head and whimpered as his other hand slipped between my thighs and slid them up to gently massage my balls. I felt Liam’s lips on my neck and I wrapped my arms round him.

It didn’t take long for me to climax, I cried out and shuddered as I felt my seed spurt over his hand. I clung to him when I had recovered enough to get my bearings and kissed his face. "Need to feel… you inside me…"

He kissed my forehead and the tip of my nose, before he lifted me up in one smooth movement and carrying me close took me to the bed, laying me on my back.

I watched him strip off his jumper and jeans, then his boxers. He was erect and excited too.

"Ni… have you got anything…?"

I gave him a sly smirk and reached into my drawer. "Yes, but don’t think I planned this…" They had been left from the last time we had made love.

He took them off me and opened the lubricant, lifting my legs. He smoothed it around and into my crack and gently slid one finger in. I sighed. It felt strange in one way because it had been so long, and yet in some ways it felt like I was coming home.

"You OK with this Niall?" Liam’s voice was concerned.

"Oh yes… need you in me Liam…"

"Patience..." He smiled down at me and stroking my belly he slid another finger in, moving them gently.

I took a deep breath to prepare myself, as his third finger went in I looked up at him. "I love you Liam…"

"I love you too babe…"

Then his fingers were gone, and he was smoothing on the condom. Lifting my legs higher, over his shoulders.

"Let me know if I hurt you, baby!"

"You won't!"

I sighed as he slid inside me, fitting into me as though it was meant to be. Which it was - I’d always believed that…

He thrust into me… looking into my eyes… His own were a chocolate shade of brown, fringed with the longest lashes I’d ever seen. He was perfect, and he was mine.

I moaned as he made contact with my prostate, and I felt myself harden again.

"Liam… love… you…"

I could have made love forever, but Liam was growing sweaty and showing signs of his impending orgasm. With a small cry he came and flopped onto me. Then as he came down, he must have felt I was hard again - because he slid down my body and took me in his mouth. I didn’t last long and came for a second time in his mouth.

We lay side by side, in each other’s arms. I kissed him, tasting myself, which was the most intimate experience. I looked into his eyes and smiled, finally feeling safe. I had faced my every fear, death and losing someone I loved, both through death itself and through my own stupidity and naivety. Most importantly I had faced the disease that had overshadowed my whole life. I couldn’t live forever expecting the worst. I had to live for now, because now was all that mattered.

"Don’t ever leave me again please!"

Liam kissed me, sweetly, gently on the lips, innocently. "Never!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a lot of fun translating this - and once again, thank you to Silje for letting me translate it into a Niam fic :) Also, a huge thank you to Chris for betaing this fic.. :) A huge thank you to everyone who has read, left comments and clicked that 'kudos' button :)


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